We are all different from one another, but we all have the same human rights. — UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon
The Best Parents Handbook A Parenting Guide for LGBTQ Families compiled and edited by Han Leng
Children need to be provided with consistency and security. The gender of each of their parents is not what’s important. What they can provide for the child is what matters. Many studies have shown that same-sex parents are just as capable as heterosexual parents at raising happy, well adjusted, well rounded children. Researchers at the University of Melbourne found that children of same-sex parents fared better in health and well-being than children with heterosexual parents. The children from same-sex parent families scored around 6% higher on general health and family cohesion compared to those of heterosexual parents. Some suggest having same-sex parents creates happier and healthier children. It seems the only disadvantage that children may face from having same-sex parents is experiencing bullying or discrimination. This is something that cannot always be avoided in a child’s life regardless of their parents’ gender. Other minority groups may also face bullying and discrimination.
However, schools are becoming increasingly aware of the difficulties that children with same-sex parents may be facing and are taking action to control bullying, however bullying cannot always be avoided and can happen to any child regardless of family dynamics. Society is becoming more accepting of non-tradition families, however there are unfortunately still many people who refuse to accept them and refuse to see that same-sex parents can offer children adequate parenting. Attitudes towards same-sex parents vary considerably between countries and even within the same country. It is more likely that more urban diverse areas will be tolerant and accepting of nontraditional families than more rural areas. Studies have shown that same-sex parents raise more empathetic and understanding children. It is suggested this is possibly because of the personal understanding they have that judging others is unfair. Studies have also shown that children of samesex parents have a better sense of well-being, it is suggested that this could have something to do with the way their parents don’t default to gender stereotypes.
The Best Parents Handbook MFA Graphic Design Designed, edited and compiled by Han Leng Academy of Art University ID: 03945753 Printed&Bound at blurb.com Adobe Creative Cloud Academy of Art University Graduate School of Graphic Design Graduate Director: Phil Hamlett 79 New Montgomery Street, San Francisco, CA94105 Thesis Instructor: Phil Hamlett Carolina de Bartolo Jeremy Stout Marc English The Best Parents thebestparents.org View more by Han Leng on: hanlengdesign.com
Copyright Š2017 Han Leng This book is a non-commercial project for educational purposes. All rights are reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, otherwise, without prior permission of Han Leng.
Contents
01. Options Overview
10
02. Make Your Decision
58
03. Let’s Talk About Sex
84
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01 Options Overview
Biologically Legally Logistically
Options Overview
009
Biologically
Lesbian pregnancies are common today. While becoming a parent is important to most adults, lesbian parenting involves special concerns such as finding a sperm donor and determining which partner (or both) will experience the pregnancy and childbirth.
Selecting a sperm donor A commercial sperm bank will give you very specific information about sperm donors, including ethnicity, higher education, occupation, physical characteristics, blood type, and more. Most sperm banks will provide the donor profiles for a fee. If you choose to use a male friend or colleague as the sperm donor, you can make arrangements for the donor to undergo rigorous screening. The “directed donor� sperm will be frozen, quarantined and released to you only after repeated testing of the donor (at least 180 days later). The ASRM Guidelines advise using sperm only from donors who fulfill the same rigorous criterion as for anonymous donors.
Pregnancy preparations To get set on the path for pregnancy, it’s important to be in optimal health. A healthy mother helps reduce risks during pregnancy and increases the chances of a healthy baby. Here are some tips for a healthy pregnancy: Take a daily vitamin supplement containing at least 400 micrograms of folic acid at least 3 months before you try to get pregnant.
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If you are overweight, lose weight before you get pregnant to lower the chance of problems that can affect mother and baby. If you are underweight, try to gain a few pounds before pregnancy. The extra weight may help regulate irregular menstrual periods, making it easier for you to conceive Talk with a nutritionist about your diet to see if you are getting all the necessary nutrients and adequate protein, carbohydrates, and fat. If you smoke, stop! Also avoid second-hand smoke, as this can hinder pregnancy. If you are taking prescription drugs, talk with your doctor. Ask if you need to stop the drug or switch medications prior to pregnancy.
Pre-pregnancy testing Along with a review of your medical history, pre-pregnancy testing involves many tests including the following: Tests for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) Lab for blood type Physical examination and pap test Test of your “ovarian reserve� (a blood test is done on day 2 or 3 of your cycle to measure levels of the hormones FSH and estradiol) Basic hormonal tests for TSH and prolactin Hormonal tests for women with absent or irregular periods.
Options Overview
011
It can only be performed in a doctor’s office. It is more expensive than intracervical insemination. But it tends to lead to a pregnancy more quickly.
Flexible Catheter
or
?
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Intracervical Insemination(ICI) The sperm is placed just inside the woman’s cervical opening through the use of a speculum and syringe. It can be performed at home or in a doctor’s office. It is less expensive than intrauterine insemination Intrauterine Insemination(IUI) The sperm is placed just inside a woman’s uterus, using a flexible catheter.
Speculum And Syringe
or
?
Options Overview
013
In Vitro Fertilization(IVF) In Vitro Fertilization is an assisted reproductive technology commonly referred to as IVF. It is the process of fertilization by extracting eggs, retrieving a sperm sample, and then manually combining an egg and sperm in a laboratory dish. The embryo is then transferred to the uterus. It can only be performed in a doctor’s office.
Flexible Catheter
or
?
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Insurance Coverage for Fertility Services Health insurance companies generally only pay for alternative insemination when a woman has a diagnosis of infertility—that is, when it is considered “medically necessary.” There are different definitions of infertility. The most common and traditional one is when there has been 12 months of unprotected intercourse without conception. Depending on a woman’s age, some insurance companies reduce that to six months of unprotected intercourse—or inseminations (performed in a doctor’s office, not at home). If you are uncertain about what your health insurance policy covers, you can call the customer representative and ask: What infertility treatments are covered? What is the definition of infertility? How is it documented? Does the policy cover insemination for same-sex couples?
Options Overview
015
It’s About Money—How Much Cost Your for Insemination Unknown Donors Services from Sperm Banks Fees Donor Consultation and Photo Matching
≈ $100
Photo Matching by Email
≈ $50
Anonymous Donors ICI (Intracervical Insemination)
≈ $740
IUI (Intrauterine Insemination)
≈ $840
Open Donors ICI (Intracervical Insemination)
≈ $790
IUI (Intrauterine Insemination)
≈ $890
IVF(In Vitro Fertilization)
≈ $11,500
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Known Donor (Directed Donor) Services Fees Directed Donor Preparation
≈ $2,500
Initial risk assessment report and document review Semen analysis Test freeze/Thaw and screening ABO/Rh testing Genetic Testing Medical history review and consultation Virology, serology, microbial screening panel Additional testing as needed(Variable) Physical exam Donor generation medical and social history evaluation—donor eligibility determination according to FDA regulations Storage fee of 1 year Final serology test(180 days quarantine test) and final donor eligibility ≈ $420 IUI (Intrauterine Insemination)
≈ $750
Above information is an average cost, the actual fees depends different states, sperm banks and clinics. More information please check out your local sperm banks and clinics.
Options Overview
017
Known Donor The first choice anyone considering donor insemination must make is do you want to become pregnant through a friend or acquaintance (that is, a “known donor”) or through someone you find through a sperm bank (an “unknown donor”).
Advantage
You know what the donor looks like and acts like. As he or she grows up, your child can develop a relationship with the donor. The donor may be genetically linked to the non-biological mother, guaranteeing her some biological connection to the child.
Disadvantage
If a known donor later develops strong feelings for your child, you and your partner, could lose custody or have it curtailed. The man you choose could be HIV-positive or have another serious transmittable disease that he might pass on to your child. This is why so many experts recommend that women choose an unknown donor. While they pose their own disadvantages, they do protect you from the legal risks of a custody battle and greatly reduce the risk of your child’s exposure to HIV and other viruses.
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? Unknown Donor Using a sperm bank remains a safer alternative than becoming pregnant through someone you know. Includes two types, which are open donor and anonymous donor.
It could reduced risk of HIV/AIDS. It has ability to control your child’s exposure to problematic genes. It also can reduced risk of custody challenges
This is much more expensive The choice of sperms are vary
Options Overview
019
For gay men, here are two types of surrogacy to have a biological kid—traditional surrogacy and gestational surrogacy. In traditional surrogacy, a surrogate mother is artificially inseminated, either by the intended father or an anonymous donor, and carries the baby to term. The child is thereby genetically related to both the surrogate mother, who provides the egg, and the intended father or anonymous donor. In gestational surrogacy, an egg is removed from the intended mother or an anonymous donor and fertilized with the sperm of the intended father or anonymous donor. The fertilized egg, or embryo, is then transferred to a surrogate who carries the baby to term. The child is thereby genetically related to the woman who donated the egg and the intended father or sperm donor, but not the surrogate. Some lesbian couples find gestational surrogacy attractive because it permits one woman to contribute her egg and the other to carry the child. Traditional surrogacy is more controversial than gestational surrogacy, in large part because the biological relationship between the surrogate and the child often complicates the facts of the case if parental rights or the validity of the surrogacy agreement are challenged. As a result, most states prohibit traditional surrogacy agreements. Additionally, many states that permit surrogacy agreements prohibit compensation beyond the payment of medical and legal expenses incurred as a result of the surrogacy agreement.
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Options Overview
021
Green States
Surrogacy is permitted, pre-birth orders are granted throughout the state, and both parents will be named on the birth certificate. Click on any state on the map for more detailed information.
California, Nevada, Oregon, Texas, Maine, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Delaware Note: The state where the baby is born must have a procedure to allow both parents to be named on the birth certificate without action in another state.
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Blue States
Surrogacy is permitted but results may be dependent on various factors or venue; OR only a post-birth parentage order is available. In some birth states additional post-birth legal procedure may be required. Click on any state on the map for more detailed information.
Alabama, Arkansas, Colorado, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois, Kansas, Kentucky, Massachusetts, Maryland, Minnesota, Missouri, North Carolina, North Dakota, New Mexico, Ohio, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, South Dakota, Vermont, Wisconsin, West Virginia
Yellow States
Proceed with caution. Surrogacy is practiced, but there are potential legal hurdles; or results may be inconsistent. Click on any state on the map for more detailed information.
Alaska, Arizona, Iowa, Idaho, Indiana, Mississippi, Montana, Nebraska, Tennessee, Virginia, Wyoming
Grey States
STOP! Statute or published case law prohibits compensated surrogacy contracts, OR a birth certificate naming both parents cannot be obtained. Click on any state on the map for more detailed information.
Louisiana, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Washington
Options Overview
023
Legally
More and more birth parents are choosing same-sex couples over different-sex couples and many private agencies report an increase in placements with our community. Again, choosing an agency that you know will positively represent you to birth parents is essential, and even if the “waiting period� feels lengthy you can be confident that the agency is doing their best. It is also important to talk to other LGBTQ adoptive parents in your community about their experiences and for agency recommendations. However, LGBTQ people have successfully adopted children through each of these methods. However, each road poses its own challenges. For example, in the past some prospective LGBTQ parents who pursue an agency open adoption have found that there is a hierarchy of preferred parents for a child, and they are not on top. As a result, they are only offered children with special needs, while non-LGBTQ people are offered the younger, healthier children. It is important to thoroughly research agencies to ensure you will be welcome, and their protocol is compatible with your adoption needs. If you are considering adopting a child, you are in very good company! There are an estimated 2 million LGBTQ adults in the U.S. who want to parent children, many via adoption. There are numerous ingredients that go into successful adoptions.
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An estimated 2,000,000 LGBTQ people are interested in adopting 16,000+ adopted children are living with LGBTQ parents in California, the highest number among the states LGBTQ parents are raising 4% of all adopted children in the United States. Adopted children with LGBTQ parents are younger and more likely to be foreign born
65,500+
Adopted Children are Living with a LGBTQ Parent U.S. Census 2000, the National Survey of Family Growth (2002), and the Adoption and Foster Care Analysis and Reporting System (2004)
Options Overview
025
In the United States, there are Five Options for Adopting a Child: State or Public Agency Adoption. Plan to adopt a child who is in foster care from the public child welfare system. These children whose birth parents cannot care for them and whose parental rights have been terminated. The children are temporarily in foster or group homes while waiting to be adopted. These children tend to be older and have been removed from their birth parents due to abuse or neglect. A series of classes on how to successfully parent these children is often required. Fost-Adopt. This is a form of adoption where a child will be placed in your home as a foster child, but with the expectation that he/she will become legally free and available to be adopted by you. Infant Adoption. There are more people wanting to adopt infants than there are infants available to be adopted. Many people who want infants will try to adopt through an intermediary such as a lawyer, physician or other facilitators rather than through a licensed adoption agency. This is known as independent adoption which is legal in most, but not all, states. Open Independent Adoption. Set out on your own to find birth parents who want or need to place their child in an adoption and complete that adoption through an attorney. There is usually no counseling for birth parents, and the infants are not usually eligible for financial assistance for any special needs that may not have been noticeable at birth. International Adoption. Adopt a child from another country through an agency or independently.
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95% Adoptions are Open
Fully-open
Birth and adoptive parents often know one another’s full names
Adoption
and addresses. The child would know the identity of the birth parent, with an agreement between birth and adoptive parents as
40%
to how the birthparent would be called. Visits would be arranged either through an attorney, agency, intermediary or directly by the birth and adoptive parents.
Semi-open Adoption
Relationships usually include phone calls and possibly meeting before the birth of a baby or placement of a child, but there are no plans for continued contact after the placement of the child
55%
in the adoptive home. Birth and adoptive parents typically know one another’s first names. It allows adoptive parents to share information and to share observations of the birth parent with the child as he or she grows.
Close
Relationships are less common these days. The match of birth
Adoption
and adoptive parents is done by a third party (i.e. an adoption agency, facilitator in states that allow them to do so, or another
5%
disinterested party who is not financially compensated.) There is no contact between the birthmother and the adoptive parent.
Options Overview
027
How Much Does Adoption Cost? According to the Child Welfare Information Gateway, adoptions can cost anywhere from $0 to over $40,000 depending on the type of adoption pursued. Possible adoptions include: Foster Care Adoptions: $0–$2,500 Licensed Private Agency Adoptions: $5,000–$40,000+ Independent Adoptions: $8,000–$40,000+ Facilitated/Unlicensed Adoptions: $5,000–$40,000+ International Adoptions: $7,000–$30,000 On average, second parent adoptions—which many same-sex parents need to complete-cost from $2,000 to $3,000 including home study expenses which range between $1,000 and $2,000 and legal fees of approximately $1,000. Federal Adoption Tax Credit A federal adoption tax credit of $13,400 per child is available for domestic adoptions. The credit increases for domestic adoptions of children with special needs. People earning more than $201,010 or more in adjusted gross income receive a reduced tax credit. People earning $241,010 or more receive no tax credit. (These figures are for 2015. Limits are adjusted for inflation and may change from year to year.)
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Several states also offer tax credits for couples adopting children from the state’s child welfare system. To learn if your state offers a tax credit, contact your state department of taxation, tax attorney or state adoption specialist. Employer Adoption Benefit Programs Ask if your employer offers: (A) financial assistance through reimbursement of a portion of adoption expenses. (B) paid or unpaid leave time. (C) employee Assistance Program with adoption information and referral services. Federal Family and Medical Leave Act The Federal Family and Medical Leave Act guarantees that employees who adopt can take up to 12 weeks of leave with no interruption in health benefits if they meet the following conditions: (A) They have worked for at least the last 12 months for the same employer. (B) They worked at least 1,250 hours over the previous 12 months. (C) They work for an employer who has 50 or more employees. Military Subsidies If you are an active-duty member of the military, you may be eligible for reimbursement of up to $2,000 in onetime domestic or international adoption costs, according to the National Endowment for Financial Education. If you adopt a child with disabilities, he or she also may be eligible for up to $1,000 a month in assistance under the military’s Program for Persons with Disabilities.
Options Overview
029
402,378 Children in Foster Care in US in 2013
52% Were Boys
Were Girls
3
1.8
Length waits to be
Time Spent in
dopted
Foster Care
Years Average
Zinda & Davis
030
48%
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Years Average
More than 400,000 children and youth are currently in foster care in the U.S. LGBTQ youth are over-represented among the population of young people in foster care. Every day foster care agencies across the country search for safe and affirming homes for LGBTQ youth. Caring adults can make a real difference in the lives of these young people by becoming foster parents. This page provides some basic information about foster parenting. What is Foster Care? Children and youth in foster care have been temporarily placed with families outside of their own home due to experiences of child abuse or neglect. This means that, for many, their homes have been broken by death, divorce, drugs, alcohol, physical or sexual abuse, illness or financial hardship. LGBTQ youth in foster care have often experienced family rejection because of their LGBTQ identity. The goal of foster parenting is to provide a safe, stable, nurturing environment. Foster parenting requires courage, empathy, patience and tenacity as well as love. What To Prepare For Like any big commitment, there are many things to consider when thinking about becoming a foster parent. One of the most important things a foster parent needs to be prepared for is having a child in your home and then having them leave. Nearly half of all children in foster care have an end goal to be reunited with their families. In situations where reunification is not the goal, adoption through foster care may be an option.
Options Overview
031
Empathy, patience and preparation are necessities for foster parents. Many children and youth come into the foster care system with histories of trauma which can lead to emotional and behavior health challenges. Foster families should learn about and prepare to help young people cope with their feelings of abandonment, experiencing abuse and a lack of nurturing. Click here for more food for thought when considering foster parenting.
Finding an Agency While the names may vary, you need to contact the government agency in your state that is responsible for foster care. It might be called “The Department of Human Resources,””The Division of Children and Family Services,””The Department of Social Services” or something similar.
Foster Parenting & Finances The decision to become a foster parent includes several financial considerations. In most cases, foster parents receive a set reimbursement to help with expenses while a child is in their home. The monthly stipend ranges from $200 to $700, depending on the age of the child and the state and county you are in. Most states also provide small clothing allowances and some day care or day camp funds. Foster children also are covered under your county, state and federal welfare health benefits for their medical and dental needs.
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Options Overview
033
Logistically
A Custody Agreement Custody agreements are similar to prenuptial agreements in that they outline ahead of time how you agree to conduct yourself during your relationship and how to behave in the event of a break-up. Alternatively, some couples manage to develop such agreements after deciding to separate, especially if their separation is an amicable one. In either event, preparing a custody agreement with your partner can provide a nonlegal parent with a much greater degree of control in the event of a separation. Factors to Address Who will the child live with? Who will make major decision such as health care and schooling decisions for your child? Will the child spend part of the week (month or year) living with one parent and live part with another? And will both parents share in making major decisions? How will you both provide for your child’s medical and educational needs? In what religion, if any, do you plan your child to be raised? What financial, familial or other resources you both will offer? How you will resolve disputes? What you will do if either parent moves? What will you do if one of you violates the agreement?
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Other Evidence to Prove You Are a Family While a nonlegal parent may have a custody or visitation petition rejected without even a hearing in many states, some states have recently recognized a new legal concept that has alternately been called “psychological parenthood,”“de facto parenthood” or “parenthood by estoppel.” This has granted non-legal lesbian parents visitation privileges in recognition that they did, indeed, have a very close relationship, if not a legal one, with the child.
Options Overview
035
What Courts Look For Among the conditions that some courts have looked for in establishing psychological parenthood are the following: The non-legal parent lived with the child. The non-legal parent took on a parental role by accepting significant responsibility for the child’s care and development without the expectation of pay or other compensation. The legal parent consented to and fostered the non-legal parent’s relationship with the child. The non-legal parent’s relationship with the child formed over a sufficiently long period of time so that the child feels a bond with the non-legal parent.
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What You Should Keep Because not all courts recognize custody or visitation claims based on psychological or de facto parenthood, and because de facto parenthood represents very new legal territory, no one should rely on this new theory as a basis for custody or visitation claims. Nonetheless, keeping a record of the ways in which you have satisfied the conditions listed above can help you make a strong claim for psychological parenthood should that be your only avenue for obtaining visitation privileges. Here are some things to keep: Domestic partnership registration Records of your shared planning for pregnancy and birth or adoption Health care proxies Powers of attorneys Reciprocal wills Co-parenting agreements Records of expenditures on the child’s and the family’s behalf Photos, letters, email and records of your involvement with the child’s religious, cultural, day care, scholastic or extracurricular activities.
Options Overview
037
While written agreements are important in the event of a custody dispute, it is worth remembering that courts also consider the most simple and practical facts when making custody decisions, namely: Have you behaved as a parent? To offer an extreme example, adults who have been out socializing every night are likely to be looked upon less favorably in custody disputes than adults who have been home with his or her child, carrying out everyday parenting duties. The bottom line, as one attorney with extensive experience on this issue suggests, is not to constantly try to prove you are a parent. It is to be a good parent. Then if there is a custody dispute, you will be in the best position to say your sexual orientation, if raised as an issue, is irrelevant because you are a good parent. If you are a co-parent and want to have legal parental rights and responsibilities for your partner’s child, a co-parenting agreement is a legal document that you can create to clearly explain the rights and responsibilities of each parent where a second-parent adoption is not available. A second-parent adoption extends legal parental rights to the non-biological or non-adoptive co-parent. However, some states’ laws not only restrict who may adopt a child but also ban second parent adoption. To find out if second-parent adoptions are granted in your state, see the second-parent adoptions article. If you and your partner do not have access to secondparent adoptions, a co-parenting agreement may be your best legal option.
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In the co-parenting agreement, you and your partner can: Agree to jointly and equally share parental responsibilities by proving support and guidance to your child; Authorize the other to consent to medical care for your child; Devise a custody agreement before any separation should one occur; Stipulate that each partner will name the other partner as the child’s guardian in his/her will. If you are the custodial parent, you can stipulate in your will that you want your partner to become the child’s guardian in the event of your death. But this stipulation is not legally binding in a court of law.
Options Overview
039
Adoption
Donor insemination for Lesbians
y
r Ga
y fo ogac
Surr
Fost
erin
Co-P
aren
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g
02 Make Your Decision Adoption Fostering Donor Insemination for Lesbians Surrogacy for Gay Men Co-parenting
Make Your Decision
041
Option 1 Adoption Before Starting the Adoption Process: 1. Public or private agency? Public child welfare agencies are government entities that provide a safety net for families. Each county and jurisdiction has its own department of social services responsible for caring for children and youth in foster care and those unable to be reunited with their first families are often available for adoption. Many state, county and city public child welfare offices recognize that LGBTQ applicants are excellent prospects to parent youth in their care. The disadvantages of public agencies are the bureaucracies involved and the lengthy period it can take to complete the process. The advantages are the very low (or no) cost to adopt and the occasional, short-term financial stipends to help you support your new child. Private agencies are licensed and regulated by the state they reside in and are often non-profits. Many LGBTQ adults choose to adopt through private adoption agencies, especially those agencies with demonstrated sensitivity to LGBTQ applicants. While these adoptions can be costly, applicants are often treated very well and can exercise some control over the type of infant or youth they adopt.
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2. What child is right for me/us? Think carefully about the type of child you feel most able to parent. Please remember that adopting a child is primarily for the child’s benefit, not yours. If she has physical, emotional, or mental challenges, will she eventually thrive with you as her parent? If he has a high need for attention, are you prepared to let him have the spotlight? Would you consider adopting a child who comes with a sister or brother? Are you adamant that you must adopt a girl, not a boy or vice versa? Are you prepared to parent a straight teenager? Or are you pretty open to the kinds of children needing a safe, loving and permanent home? The more flexible you are, the greater the chances of success for both you and your child! 3. Do you have the necessary investments child-rearing requires? These investments are far more than buying clothes, giving a weekly allowance, or saving for college, although those are important. Can you provide unconditional love to a child? Are you willing to get interested in activities for which your child shows aptitude? Can you be your child’s educational advocate with the school system? Can you lovingly establish, and enforce, reasonable limits? Are you ready to be completely out to your child? If you are partnered, will both of you share these commitments to your new child? If you answered yes to these, you are probably ready to make the necessary investments in the child.
Make Your Decision
043
4. Do you have the patience to wait for your child to show you love? Some children, especially those older than age 5 or so, have a hard time bonding with, and trusting new adults. Are you ready for your new older child to have a very healthy dose of skepticism about you and your commitment to them? Are you prepared to wait for them to return your love? 5. Do you have the social and community resources around you that will help you and them along the way? Will your friends and family embrace the new family unit? Does your community (i.e., LGBTQ resources, spiritual center, schools) offer vents and groups that could be valuable to you and your child? Is there an active LGBTQ parent support group in the area? 6. Are you patient enough to successfully complete pre- and post-adoption placement counseling? All agencies, public and private, will require you to complete some counseling before and after you adopt. Do you welcome that support or do you view it as intrusive and unwelcome? 7. Are you ready to be 100% honest and transparent with the agency worker? The worker will evaluate you, your home, financial records, employers, family, medical and psychiatric history, criminal background and so forth to see if you are likely to become a good parent. It’s important to understand that the agency worker is not looking for perfect parents. She or he is looking for your honesty and a reasonably good match with a child in need of a loving home.
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8. Have you had a major life event in the past 12 months? For instance, have you separated from or lost a partner, moved across the country, experienced the death of someone close, lost your job, married your new love, suffered a significant illness or accepted major new job duties? If so please let your significant life events settle in for a while, then re-evaluate whether or not you still want to adopt. Avoid adopting as a remedy for or as an add-on to another major life event. The adoption process is a major life event in its own right. It is unwise to couple it with another life event. For same-sex couples, it is often the case that there is only one legal parent even though two people may equally parent the child and think of themselves as co-parents. This is because the status as a legal parent is automatically conveyed to the parent who has a biological connection to a child, such as a biological mom or biological dad. Similarly, while some couples raise an adopted child together, only one of them may have officially become the adoptive parent because some agencies prohibit same-sex couples from adopting together but permit an LGBTQ individual to do so. A second-parent adoption allows a second parent to adopt a child without the “first parent� losing any parental rights. In this way, the child comes to have two legal parents. It also typically grants adoptive parents the same rights as biological parents in custody and visitation matters.
Make Your Decision
045
Get A Baby
Adoption
o1
Agency Selection Pennsylvania has numerous agencies licensed to provide quality adoption services. You may check the Agency List to find agencies in your local area.
o2
Application Process After selecting an agency, you will be invited to complete an application to begin the adoption process. Most applications will gather information about your family composition and background as well as the characteristics of the child(ren) that you would like to adopt. Adoption agencies may invite you to attend an orientation session before completing your application. The orientation process describes realistic expectations of adopting a child from the foster care system.
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o3
Completing the Family Profile
The Family Profile is a document created from a series of meetings between you and an adoption professional. These meetings will give you an opportunity to gain better insight into the challenges of adopting a child from the foster care system and examine how your family may respond. Your family must be approved by an adoption agency before the matching process can begin.
o4
Matching Process
The approved Family Profile is used by the agency to share information about your family with agencies responsible for the waiting children. We recommend that families with an approved Family Profile register on the Pennsylvania Adoption Exchange (PAE). All families who have family profiles provided by SWAN are registered by the agency that completes the family profile. PAE routinely reviews the characteristics of families and children and notifies their agencies when a suggested match is identified. Agencies also try to match children and families in their local recruitment efforts.
Make Your Decision
047
o6
Placement
o5
This is the point when the child moves into a preadoptive family’s home.
Pre-Placement Visit
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When you have been tentatively selected by a county agency to adopt a child, you will get a chance to meet the child and spend time together to determine if the suggested match is a good one for both your family and the child.
o7
Placement Supervision
Agencies normally plan a six month period after placement for the child and family to begin to build a stable relationship before finalizing the adoption. During that time, an adoption worker will visit regularly with the family to offer support and assistance.
o8
Adoption Finalization
When the placement continues to be positive, a request is submitted to the court for a hearing. A number of legal obligations must be addressed such as a verification that the child is legally free for adoption, the agency with custody will consent to the adoption, etc. At the hearing, the judge reviews information about the child and family and may approve the adoption.
Make Your Decision
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Option 2 Fostering Is Foster Parenting for You?
Children are placed in your home on a temporary basis. Their stay could be as short as one night or as long as several years. There are opportunities for adoption but they are not guaranteed. The goal of most state and private placement agencies is to reunite the child with his or her family as quickly as is safe and feasible. Your house may be the latest stop for a child who has been in the system for some time and may have been to many homes, some good, some not so good. This is especially true for older youth. Young people in foster care often develop defense mechanisms that can make it tough for anyone to get through to them. Children in foster care are often the victims of neglect or abuse. These traumatic experiences can lead to emotional and behavioral problems that can disrupt your household. Foster parents often need to care and advocate for foster youth around their medical needs, including issues related to physical and developmental disabilities.
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The rewards to foster parenting are countless. Two foster dads from Missouri, Derek and Justin, say “Becoming foster parents has been, without a doubt, one of the best choices we’ve ever made.” Below are just a few of the reasons to open up your home and your life to a young person in need: These children need you. Right now, there is a critical shortage of adoptive and foster parents in the United States. They want you. LGBTQ youth are especially in need of welcoming and affirming foster homes where they will be accepted for who they are. You can make a difference. Some of the hardest children to find foster homes for are LGBTQ teens; young people questioning their sexual identity; and babies born with HIV. LGBTQ adults are in a unique situation to help these young people.
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Deciding If A Placement Is The Right Fit There are many questions that you will want answered when considering a specific young person, or a sibling group, for a foster care placement at your home. Here are a few of the basics questions you’ll want answered: What is the child’s name, age, race, gender and sexuality? Why is the child being placed? What is the child’s medical history and current medical needs? What was the last school attended? And how was the child performing in school? Are there any known behavioral issues or safety considerations (e.g., gang affiliation, sexually acting out, setting fires, stealing or lying)? Has the child been in foster care before? In how many homes? What was the average length of stay? And why?
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Get A Baby
Fostering o1
Go To Orientation
Foster parents need to receive a foster care license before taking children into their home. Learn more about the process to become licensed and get your questions answered by attending a Resource Family Orientation. See the orientation schedule to find out when the next orientation is happening in your community.
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Fill Out the Application and Follow Instructions to Get Fingerprinted
At orientation, you will receive an application packet. The application asks for basic information about yourself and the people in your household. The application also asks for five personal references and permission to complete a background check on all persons over 16 years of age in your household. To complete the background check, OCS asks you (and everyone over 16 years of age in the home) to undergo fingerprinting and will pay for that to be done. Each office does it a bit differently so follow the information you receive at orientation. Return your completed application to you local Office of Children’s Services.
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Attend Core Training for Resource Families
All foster and adoptive families should attend this basic training. Core Training covers information about the child protection system, separation, grief and loss, visitation and birth families, positive parenting, and transitions back to birth parents. Core Training meets the training requirement for the first licensing year.
o4 Participate in a home
o3 Complete Background Checks Once you return the application, you will be assigned a licensing worker who will process the paperwork and complete the background checks for everyone in your home over age 16 years. If your family is “cleared� for licensing, (no prohibitive criminal or substantiated child protection records), your licensing worker will make an appointment with you to complete the next step—the home visit.
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visit The OCS worker will visit your home to see that your home has a place for the child to sleep and keep his clothes. Workers will also look for basic safety standards in your home, such as smoke detectors in bedrooms, a fire extinguisher, a carbon monoxide detector on every level, and no dangerous conditions in your home.
o6 Receive Your Foster Care License
After completing all the above steps above, your licensing worker will submit all the paperwork and you will receive a Community Care License. That means you are licensed by the state to care for a specific number of children in a specific age range. You can now take foster children into your home! This license needs to be renewed after a year (and every two years after that) and you will continue to participate in ongoing training every year as part of your licensing requirement. Time may vary depends on different States foster low.
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Placement of Children
Once licensed, your foster family will be contacted by OCS social workers for placement of children. When an OCS worker calls you to place a child into your home, make sure to ask lots of questions about what the children will need and why they are coming into care. You will need to decide whether you will be able to provide good care for the children. Every child or sibling group will be assigned a Protective Services Specialist (PSS) that you will work with. The PSS should talk to you about the foster care placement plan so you understand what your obligations are. Obligations may include making the child available for contact with birth parents, or attending medical or therapeutic appointments. Every case is different and every child is different. The foster care placement plan outlines the specifics for your particular child.
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Option 3 Donor Insemination for Lesbians Ask Yourself Before Your Process 1. Are you ready? Conceiving can be just as hard as the dirty nappies and 2am wake ups. It took us two years to conceive our son – two years that I’ll never forget but was worth the wait in the end. Are you ready for a lot of potential heartbreak and waiting? Are you committed to bringing a child into the world? 2. Take your time I often wondered whether my time would ever come, but I persevered and kept going. It’s not a case of ‘just relax’ or ‘the baby will come when you don’t think about it’ (near on impossible as a same sex couple) but rather, taking care of yourself and not rushing into things or the next cycle. 3. Know your cycle Before we started trying, we got to grips with my cycle so we knew when the optimum time to inseminate was. If you don’t know this crucial piece of info yet, get on it. Otherwise, there’ll be a lot of wastage.
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4. Know the law The important thing to know is that it’s illegal to buy sperm. So if you’re in talks with a potential donor, and they’re asking for payment, get rid (you may, however, offer money towards petrol, for example). The same goes for any donor who is asking for NI (Natural Insemination) only. NI changes the law for you as parents drastically. There’s heaps of guidance on the Stonewall website, but if you want your partner on the birth certificate then you must be married or civil partnered at the time of conception. If not, don’t worry – your partner can still adopt. 5. Finances There are so many ways to (safely) conceive these days that you don’t have to be rich to have a child. Whatever way you choose to conceive is up to you but know that it’s possible on little to no budget. Some of the options include in vitro fertilisation (IVF) and intrauterine insemination (IUI). The treatments can be done through a private clinic, NHS, or at home. 6. Be safe If you’re in talks with a potential donor – protect yourself. Ask for ID, ask questions (constantly), complete health checks and maybe even a contract. Anyone who refuses any or all of these needs to be ditched (no matter how desperate for a child you are).
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Make A Baby
Donor Insemination
For Lesbian
o1
Chose Who’s Egg If you and your spouse both have fertile eggs then you get to decide who’s eggs you will use. Typically the easiest and least expensive is if the egg you choose and baby carrier are the same. Mine
o2 Decide Gestational Mom If you are using an egg that belongs to the person who will carry the process is typically cheaper(if no fertility issues exist). If the egg and person who will carry the baby are different you will need to go through IVF—this is offer referred to as Reciprocal IVF.
My spouse Third party
Mine My spouse Third party
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o3
Decide How You will Acquire Sperm
IVF IUI ICI
o5 Choose Sperm
There are two basic categories of sperm donors:”directed/known” and “anonymous”. Using a known donor means you’ll acquire sperm from someone you know(which means you’ll likely need to do additional legal work. Anonymous sperm is purchased through sperm banks and you can chose a “closed” donor that will remain anonymous forever for an “open” donor which allows future kids the option to contact them when they turn 18.
This is dependent on your first decisions. If you are using a different egg than the person who is carrying baby you will have to go through IVF. If not than the most common is intrauterine insemination(IUI), less common and less effective intracervical (ICI).
Known Anonymous
o4 Decide How You’ll Inseminate
For Known Donors there is a lot more legally and medically(on the donors side) that you’ll need to manage personally. For Anonymous Donors different sperm banks have different way to shop for sperm. Most have an online database and you can get some information for free. Your sperm choice is forever— and ranks higher is stress than buying a house.
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o7 Take Fertility Drugs/ Treatment
o6 Get Sperm& Set Delivery Date
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Since you’re going through all this effort to get pregnant, typically it will make sense to go through so type of fertility treatment or use a fertility booster. If going through IVF you will follow the IVF protocol. If doing IUI you will typically take RX fertility drugs.
You’ll need to work with your doctor to set an insemination date. Once it’s set you’ll want to order the sperm or schedule the final specimen drop off. When it arrives you’ll want to triple check it the right sperm.
08 Get Inseminated Whether you are doing ICI, IUI, or IVF—this is the moment where you baby is potentially(hopefully) made! You get inseminated then you have to wait about 2 weeks to see if you are pregnant. The earliest you can detect is 5 days before the first day of your missed period.
09 Get Pregnant
If all goes according to plan you get that wonderful pregnant reading on the test and 9–10 months later deliver your beautiful baby! Depending on your method of insemination, age and a bunch of other things you have a 10%–50% chance of getting pregnant on your first try.
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When choosing a sperm bank: Do you keep a medical history on the donor? How long do you keep these records? Do you offer a service where adult children conceived through donor insemination can have access to the donor’s medical records if necessary? How much non-identifying information about the donor do you provide to the consumer? Do you keep track of the number of pregnancies achieved per donor? Do you require the donor to stay in your program for a specific time or provide a minimum number of donations in a six-month period? What are the costs to store pre-purchased, reserved specimens? Can I purchase and store sperm so that I can use the same donor for a second child? If the specimen received is inadequate (poor motility, abnormal morphology or low count), what is the sperm bank’s responsibility? Does your information on each donor include: Religious background Ethnic/cultural background Educational background Physical characteristics
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Do you screen for: Sickle Cell Anemia Hepatitis B Hepatitis C HIV (AIDS) Cytomegalovirus Chlamydia Mycoplasma hominis Syphilis Tay-Sachs Genital warts Gonorrhea How often are the screening tests repeated? Do you check the donor’s blood type? Do you test the donor for HIV? Do you use a donor’s sperm before he tests negative for HIV/AIDS? Do you follow the recommendation of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) for holding specimens for 180 days before retesting for HIV and only then using the specimen? Do you do genetic testing on donors? What is the minimum age of your donors?
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Selecting An Unknown Donor This process typically involves three steps: (A) Review the “catalog” of donors; (B) Request the “short profile” on donors that interest you; (C) Order a “long profile” on donors that seriously interest you. Some banks also provide additional background, through audiotaped interviews with the donor, photo-matching services and interviews with staff. The “Catalog” The first step in choosing a donor is to review the sperm bank’s catalog of donors. Many banks have these catalogs on the web. Others require that you call and request one. All provide basically the same general information about their donors, including: Race / Ethnicity Skin Hair Eye color Height Body type Blood type How do you choose? Lesbian couples often begin by trying to match the donor’s characteristics with the nonbiological mother’s so that the child will resemble both of them.
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Race /Ethnicity Asian Black Hispanic/Latin Indian
Brown Grey Hazel Other Height
Middle Eastern
Under 5 feet
Native
5–6 feet
American
6–7 feet
Pacific
Above 7 feet
Islander White Other Skin
Body type Thin Overweight Average build
Dark, Medium
Fit
Fair
Jacked
Freckles
A litter extra
Light
Curvy
Other
Full figured
Hair
Blood type
Black
A negative
Curly
A positive
Thick
B negative
Straight
B positive
Blond
AB negative
Other
AB positive
Eye color Amber
O negative O positive
Blue
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The “Short Profile” After you identify those donors whose basic physical characteristics interest you, the next step is to gather more information by requesting what banks often call the short form of their donor profile. This information, which some banks also provide on the web, includes information such as: Date of birth Education Occupation Body type and physical characteristics, such as dimples, etc. Religion Family medical history Medical test results conducted in the sperm bank And the donor’s answers to questions about his: Skills (math, mechanical, athletic, artistic) Languages spoken Hobbies and talents Personality Goals and ambitions in life Reasons for wanting to be a sperm donor Message to those receiving his donation
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The “Long Profile” and Comprehensive Medical History After examining a short profile, you should have a reasonable idea of which donor interests you on more than a physical level. Then it’s time to ask for a long profile, for which banks will usually charge you a moderate fee. This profile includes a comprehensive medical history and other important facts about the donor and his family, including: Details about the donor’s diet, exercise, medications, average alcohol consumption, smoking history and so on. The physical characteristics, education, occupation, skills and personality of the donor, his parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and grandparents. Detailed information about any medical problems the donor and his extended family members have faced. For example, the California Cryobank Inc. provides a medical history over three generations about the following topics. Cardiovascular conditions, such as heart attacks, high blood pressure, etc. Blood conditions, such as anemia, leukemia, etc. Respiratory conditions, such as asthma, pneumonia, lung cancer. Skin conditions, such as acne, skin cancer. Gastrointestinal conditions, such as ulcers, colon cancer, hepatitis. Urinary conditions, such as kidney disease, bladder disease, etc.
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Genital/reproductive conditions, such as breast or ovarian cancer. Metabolic/endocrine conditions, such as diabetes, thyroid disease. Neurological conditions, such as cerebral palsy, learning disorders. Mental health conditions, such as schizophrenia, severe depression. Muscle/bone/joint conditions, such as muscular dystrophy, osteoporosis, etc. Sight/sound/smell disorders, such as significant hearing loss, glaucoma, etc. Other conditions, such as alcoholism, drug abuse, etc. Photo Matching, Audiotapes, Interviews with Staff In addition to their extensive profiles, some sperm banks also offer these special services to help you choose a donor who is right for you: Photo Matching Many couples who choose donor insemination wish to have a child who resembles both parents. As a result, many try to find a donor who resembles the non-biological mother. Some do this by simply choosing a donor with a similar ethnic background. Others go one step further and search for a donor who actually looks like her. Audiotapes Some banks offer audio-taped interviews with the donor, which allow you to make your own observations about his personality, intelligence and affability.
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Interviews with Staff Another option is getting through to the staff biologist or donor interviews to delve deeper.
Insurance Coverage for Fertility Services Health insurance companies generally only pay for alternative insemination when a woman has a diagnosis of infertility—that is, when it is considered “medically necessary.” There are different definitions of infertility. The most common and traditional one is when there has been 12 months of unprotected intercourse without conception. Depending on a woman’s age, some insurance companies reduce that to six months of unprotected intercourse—or inseminations (performed in a doctor’s office, not at home). If you are uncertain about what your health insurance policy covers, you can call the customer representative and ask: What infertility treatments are covered? What is the definition of infertility? How is it documented? Does the policy cover insemination for same-sex couples?
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Known Donor Agreement When a woman finds a donor through a sperm bank, she does not need a donor agreement. Typically called an unknown or known donor, this man will have signed an agreement with the sperm bank and surrendered any parental rights in the process. As a result, the woman does not have to worry that this man may later change his mind and try to claim that he is the father and deserves visitation or even custody of the child. Even if he does, there is little chance he will have any legal ground to stand on. In contrast, when a woman wishes to become pregnant through a known donor, such as a friend or an acquaintance, there is a greater risk that the donor may later claim a parental relationship to the child. In such situations, attorneys highly recommend that a woman consult an attorney and that both she and the prospective donor sign a donor agreement before she begins the process of donor insemination. This agreement is designed to define the role and responsibilities, if any, the man will have with the child. Generally speaking, there are two types of donor agreements: One that is used in counties or states where second-parent adoption is available, and one in counties or states where second-parent adoption is unavailable. Both forms are provided here with this difference between them: Where second-parent adoption is available, the agreement states that the donor agrees
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in advance to consent to the adoption by the second or nonbiological lesbian parent and agrees to the termination of all parental rights of his own. (Some states allow the donor to have some diminished role in the child’s life, if requested and agreed upon.) Attorneys consider this the preferred agreement if the choice is available to you. Whichever form you use, it should be noted that this area of the law is extremely fluid, and it is difficult to predict whether a particular judge will honor such an agreement. In some situations, for example, men who have signed such agreements have later changed their minds, sought a parental role in the children’s lives and judges have granted it-essentially declaring that they were the legal fathers, despite the agreement they signed with the mothers. You also should note that donor insemination laws vary from state to state. For example, in some states, you are required to be under the care of a physician. Your attorney can tell you if this is required where you live.
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Option 4 Surrogacy for Gay Men Finding a Surrogate Sometimes a family member or friend offers to be a surrogate. This can greatly reduce the cost of surrogacy. However, because not everyone knows a woman in a position to volunteer to be a surrogate, most people find a surrogate through other means. There are many full-service agencies/firms that will match intended parents to surrogates. When choosing an agency, it is imperative to research the agency’s history. Important questions to ask include how fees are determined and how surrogates are screened. If possible, it is often helpful to speak to former clients of the agency. A selection of sample questions that parents should ask includes: Is the agency responsive to clients? For example, are they prompt in returning calls and e-mails? Is there more than one person who can respond if the parents’ primary contact is away or busy? Does the firm operate as a team? Regarding screening of potential surrogates: Do they meet the surrogate in person? Do they evaluate her home environment or is the screening limited solely to a telephone or office interview? Do they do reference checks? Do they routinely do criminal background checks? What kind of information do they obtain about the surrogate candidate’s prior pregnancies to minimize the risk that this will be a high-risk pregnancy?
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Some parents choose to search for a surrogate independently. In this case, it is of the utmost importance that both intended parents and surrogates obtain legal advice before making any agreements or signing any contracts. A clear contract can prevent many potential conflicts during the process. Intended parents should also research a potential surrogate’s history to make sure that there is no cause for concern. Additionally, many states that allow gestational surrogacy prohibit traditional surrogacy and/ or compensated surrogacy agreements as a caution against perceived coercion.
Surrogacy Qualifications Most surrogacy agencies and fertility clinics require surrogates to meet the following general qualifications: Be in good physical and mental health; Have been ever carried and delivered at least one child; Have had pregnancies that were all free of complications and were full-term; Be less than 43 years of age (some clinics will accept older woman in certain circumstances; others have younger age cut off for all surrogates); Be in a stable living situation; and Not smoke or abuse alcohol.
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Tips That You need to Know
? ??
1. Know Why you’re Choosing Surrogacy Don’t underestimate outside pressure: Often people will ask you why you chose surrogacy, and why you chose it over adoption – even though straight parents are rarely asked why they chose to create a baby! Be prepared to ask yourself – and answer! – a host of difficult-but-crucial questions: How important is a genetic link with your kids? How do you and your partner (if you have one) decide who’s going to be the bio dad? What are the criteria for your egg donor? Why do you want to bring a new child into an alternative family? The answers to these questions will likely help you through moments of doubt – about finances, about donor choice, even about the surrogacy decision itself. 2. Understand all the People Involved in Your Surrogacy and the Roles They Have Surrogacy for gay dads has as many moving parts as adoption—if not more. Our gay dads told us how critical the right surrogacy agency is when you begin the process. Then comes the fertility clinic, the donor (the woman who provides the egg), the gestational carrier (if different from the donor), the lawyers, the hospital, and the insurance company.
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A very important note to add: Be sure to think of your gestational carrier or surrogate as an invaluable person responsible for helping you fulfill your dreams of fatherhood, and treat her with the utmost respect. Ensure that she is not being exploited, that she has read the contract in her native language, that she knows you (or you and your husband/partner) are gay, and, if there is remuneration, that she is being paid what you were told. 3. Known the Laws, and Understand That Laws Can Change While several states either don’t have laws on surrogacy or have courts that tend to rule favorably for surrogate families, a few outlaw surrogacy contracts or limit the access to surrogacy, particularly gestational, to straight couples. Parental presumption—determining who is listed on the child’s birth certificate—can also be a challenge. As in others areas of biology and technology, the law simply hasn’t caught up with today’s advances. This is why gay dads need to seek out an experienced lawyer in this field. But they have to do the research themselves. 4. Budget The medical costs of surrogacy often surprise aspiring gay dads. Before even getting into the costs of the actual pregnancy, you must plan for harvesting the egg, fertilizing with donated sperm, making an embryo, and storing the embryo until ready to be implanted. The process can be overwhelmingly expensive and clinical, and for many gay dads, they can get lost in both the bills and the technical details. That’s why gay dads need a forward-thinking yet organic budget that can handle the medical demands of a successful surrogacy.
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5. Be Prepared to Make Hard Choices About the Future of Your Embryos Pregnancy has risks. The creation of a new life might challenge your beliefs in ways you can’t expect. If you use in vitro fertilization, how will you decide to reduce the number of embryos? If after a year of planning and you’re anxious to bring home your son or daughter, there’s a miscarriage? If an early test proves positive for a birth defect or genetic illness, will you fight to keep the pregnancy? No one but you has the answers to these questions, and you need those answers now before you start looking into surrogacy. Challenge yourself and your beliefs so that if a decision needs to be made, you know you can better live with your choice. 6. Have a plan for how much you want your donor and your surrogate to be a part of your family’s life. Surrogacy agreements can work in much the same way as open or closed adoptions. Several gay dads told us that they kept some contact with donors or surrogates or both so that their children could understand where they came from, and not be misled at an early age about human reproduction. Sometimes the carrier is a close friend or family member, and carefully gauging the level of contact between the child and the carrier can lead to very fulfilling mix of two families. Sometimes, the donor becomes a valued female role model for the child. The more adult role models in a child’s life, the better, most gay dads who chose surrogacy agree.
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Make A Baby
Surrogacy
For Gay Men o1
Find an Agency
You can choose to start looking for a surrogate with recommendations from a fertility center through their preferred network of gay-friendly surrogacy agencies or you can work with a surrogacy agency directly. Sometimes intended parents find their own surrogate via a family member or from their own searches. Fertility centers work with various surrogacy agencies and vice versa, and over time agencies can become preferred based on outcomes. However, regardless of how the gestational surrogate is matched, the fertility center is ground control for coordinating all medical activity between the intended parents, egg donor, and gestational surrogate. Another choice of where to start to find a gestational surrogate is the fertility doctor you are working with—they can give you their recommendations for the best agencies to help begin your search for a surrogate.
o2
Legality and Location
The surrogacy matching process involves a team. Once you’re connected with a surrogacy agency, their job is to make sure the surrogate and intended parents can legally match in each other’s home state. Surrogacy laws vary widely from state to state and country to country, so it’s important to have access to a surrogacy agency’s attorneys and legal advice. Once location variables are worked out, next up is personality matching.
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o3
Surrogate Personality Profiling
o4
Matching personality types is based on questionnaires and interviews of both the intended parents and the various surrogates available. It’s the agency’s job to try to find the right personality to fit each situation. The agency sends intended parents profiles of surrogates and the surrogates the profile of the intended parents. If there’s interest on both sides, the last item before connecting both parties on a conference call is to review what happens in the case of possible selective reduction or abortion. These are very personal and emotional decisions should they need to be made, and ultimately it is the surrogate’s decision, not the intended parent, so knowing what she would feel comfortable doing, or not doing, is imperative.
Connection
Sometimes it is difficult to have both location and personality matches line up. Luckily with modern technology, surrogates can live 2,000 miles away or more and only travel to your fertility clinic twice to move forward in helping a family grow. Now comes the truly exciting part, which is usually an arranged first conference call between the intended parents and surrogate. Afterward, the surrogacy agency gets feedback from all parties to determine whether it’s the right match. Since you will be spending at least the next year in a relationship with your surrogate, this decision is one of the most important on your journey.
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o5
Gestational Surrogate Screening
The next step is medical screening, which occurs at the fertility center. What happens leading up to the medical screening is: Criminal background check of the surrogate Home inspection by a social worker Financial background check Multiple levels of interviews to ascertain psychological, social and mental health The fertility center will then review the surrogate’s medical records of their previous pregnancies followed by a full day of medical profiling including screening for sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s) and common genetic disorders or diseases. The medical screening is usually done at the same time that the surrogate and the intended parent(s) meet in person.
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o6
Starting the Journey There is such joy and excitement in the intended parents as they participate in the development of their child with their surrogate—it’s the happy anticipation of their family growing. Attending appointments can be facilitated with the help of new technology that allows intended parents to be virtually present for appointments and to talk regularly with their surrogate and to interact with that family.
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Option 5 Co-Parenting If you are a co-parent and want to have legal parental rights and responsibilities for your partner’s child, a co-parenting agreement is a legal document that you can create to clearly explain the rights and responsibilities of each parent where a second-parent adoption is not available. A second-parent adoption extends legal parental rights to the non-biological or non-adoptive co-parent. However, some states’ laws not only restrict who may adopt a child but also ban second parent adoption. To find out if second-parent adoptions are granted in your state, see the second-parent adoptions article. If you and your partner do not have access to secondparent adoptions, a co-parenting agreement may be your best legal option. In the co-parenting agreement, you and your partner can: Agree to jointly and equally share parental responsibilities by proving support and guidance to your child; Authorize the other to consent to medical care for your child; Devise a custody agreement before any separation should one occur; Stipulate that each partner will name the other partner as the child’s guardian in his/her will. If you are the custodial parent, you can stipulate in your will that you want your partner to become the child’s guardian in the event of your death. But this stipulation is not legally binding in a court of law.
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Find a co-parent and start planning: First, find a co-parent. As with a romantic partner, one can be found anywhere. We found ours through a monthly prospective parent group. Others we know met through mutual friends, and others already were friends. There are now even match-making websites! (Links are located near the end of the article.) “Date” for a while to get to know each other. And if you’re already friends, do not confuse friendship with being compatible co-parents. Discuss all expectations in advance no matter how uncomfortable: Religion, approach to discipline, legal custody, etc. Even abortion, should there be medical issues for mom or child. In addition to the shared custody schedule, be sure to discuss how much time the whole family will spend together. Put everything in writing. Parenting agreements are about more than just legal coverage (in fact, they provide little of it). It is about spelling out all expectations while everyone is calm and rational. You can refer to the agreement if there are disputes, as can legal authorities should it escalate.
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Be ready to call it off. Bringing a life into the world is serious stuff. One of the advantages to intentional co-parenting is that you can take your time. If there’s a strong sense that this parenting arrangement isn’t right, then maybe it’s not. Once that baby is around you are binding yourself to your co-parent in a profound way and there’s no turning back. Take note of all the personalities involved. Co-parenting might not be for control freaks or those not able to assert themselves. Flexibility and an even temperament are key to long term success. The personalities have to be compatible. I can’t stress this enough. Ideally, the planning process will reveal if that’s the case. Get input from a counselor who specializes in shared custody arrangements. They can advise on the best custodial schedule for the children. Meet with a lawyer experienced with alternative families in your state. There will be a lot of documentation needed, and specific ways to handle certain steps (such as insemination), to ensure maximum legal coverage. Seek out current co-parents. If possible, meet with the father(s) and mother(s) separately, to get the most candid advice. But also meet with everyone together, to get a first-hand view of the family’s dynamics.
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03 Let’s Talk About Sex The Basics Talking Sex by Age Explore Body Parts With Your Kids Teach Your Kids Types of Sexual Orientation and Gender Identities
Let’s Talk About Sex
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The Basics
All children want to know about their origins. As their minds develop and their understanding of the world grows, their questions go deeper. Toddlers ask where babies come from; teenagers want to know where they came from. It is part of their identity development. For gay parents (and all adoptive and foster parents), the answers to those questions can be complicated. Gay parents do not become parents in the usual way (unless they had their children while in a heterosexual relationship). They may use donor sperm or eggs; lesbian mothers may have each carried a child, or all the children may have been carried by one of them; gay male parents may use sperm from both, or just one of the men. And with both gay men and lesbians, they may have used either strangers or people known to them during the reproductive process. Yeah, complicated. So what do you tell the kids when they ask questions? The two most important factors in responding to any questions children have are (1) understanding their age/developmental level and (2) sticking to the truth. (I am reminded of the old joke in which 7-year-old Jimmy asks his dad where he came from. Caught off guard, Dad awkwardly tells Jimmy about the birds and the bees. After which Jimmy replies, “Oh. Davey came from Ohio.�)
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Very young children require only a few words to satisfy their curiosity. When your 4-year-old asks where babies come from, they simply want, “They grow inside a woman’s body,” not a sex education lecture. Later, at around seven to 10 years of age, their expanding minds may start wondering how that baby got in the woman’s body. Even then, they are usually satisfied with, “The man’s seed started it growing there.” It is not usually till the preteen years when kids get curious about sex. So, don’t overwhelm your child with what you think they need to know or what you assume they want to know. If you’re not sure what they are looking for, get clarification. Then give them the simplest answers and if they want to know more, they’ll ask.
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Do We Have to Talk? Even though studies show that 80 percent of parents feel responsible for their kids’ sexual education, few actually sit down and talk about it. One study reveals that 19 percent of kids get information about sex from their parents, while 81 percent are educated by their friends! With stats like these, it’s no wonder that teens suffer from so many misconceptions about sex. Why do we parents fail to talk about the birds and the bees? Let’s face it is the subject makes us feel awkward and anxious. It also forces us to face the fact that our teens have become active sexual beings. To make matters worse, most of us grew up with parents who wouldn’t or couldn’t talk to us about sex. We haven’t had parenting models for discussing this sensitive issue with our kids. Well, it’s time to break the cycle. In order for your kids to make responsible, safe decisions about sex, they’re going to need vital information from you. We can help you tackle this tricky topic.
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WORD
Find the Words
Since teens are bombarded with and
Does the thought of talking about sex with
influenced by rarely-protected sex occuring on
your teen give you the jitters? Take heart. It’s
TV, in the movies, and in the lyrics of popular
okay to confess this to your child. Most kids
music, try using the media to launch your talk.
are just as uncomfortable as we are. If the idea of one, “big talk” makes you more nervous, consider having several continuing discussions. Do your best to start talking before your adolescent’s hormones start to rage.
For example, ask your teen if the teenage couple on her favorite show should have had sex. Once you open up lines of communcation, you can bring up unsafe and unwise sex, abstinence, and the consequences of sex with a mere acquaintance.
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When the Pressure Is On
your teen how he thinks his peers feel about
Today’s teens become sexually active
different sexual preferences. As a parent,
considerably earlier than teens from past
you should know that many teens become
generations. The everpresent media portrayals
confused about their own preferences as they
of sex between teens are shown as risk-free,
search for their sexual identity. Teenagers
normal, and a way to gain popularity: “Hey, if
who become troubled about their confusion
everybody’s having sex, why not me?”
or gender preferences are at an increased risk
Ask your kids if many kids their age feel pressured to have sex. Who do they think
for committing suicide. Almost one-third of all suicides are committed by gay kids.
applies the most pressure? Is it TV? Peers?
By the same token, your teen needs to know
Boyfriends or girlfriends?
that it’s normal to experience an attraction
Teens also pressure each other to have sex: “If you really loved me you’d have sex with me. Do you want to be the only virgin in high school?” Acquaintance (date) rape is a growing problem among teenagers. Your teen needs to know that “NO always means NO” and that nobody has the right to pressure him or her in any way to have sex. To broach the subject of homosexuality and bisexuality, ask
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to someone of the same sex or both sexes. Sexual attraction and confusion about sexual identity doesn’t automatically mean that a person is gay or bisexual. If your teen is gay or bisexual, they must know that their sexual orientation will never cause you to love him or her less.
Wrapping Up Remember that informal sex talks with your teen shouldn’t center on “sexual plumbing” facts and scare tactics. Your talks should focus more on the emotional and social factors of teenage sex and sexuality, as well as your own values regarding sex within a committed, caring, and mature relationship. Don’t be put off by your teen’s attempts to shut down your overtures. Many adolescents have told me that even though they acted embarrassed and uninterested in their parents’ efforts to engage them in sexual discussions, they appreciated their parents’ concerns and efforts to guide them in this confusing area. Several teens acknowledged that their parents’advice saved them from sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and unwanted pregnancies.
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Talking Sex by Age
“Playing Doctor” — and Wondering Where Babies Come From
[Age 4–5] During the preschool years, your child’s general curiosity about gender (especially the opposite gender) is probably growing. She is likely also wondering: Where do babies come from? How did I get out of Mommy’s tummy? Don’t worry too much about your preschooler’s interest in the genitals. According to the AAP , 4- and 5-year-olds may touch their own genitals and even show interest in other children’s genitals. “These are not adult sexual activities, but signs of normal interest.” While hugging and kissing friends and “playing doctor” with peers is normal for preschoolers, calmly explain to your child that touching others in the private parts is not okay, and find toys and books to redirect the children’s attention to more appropriate play. Acting sexually inappropriately—such as mimicking or drawing pictures of intercourse or oral sex—can be a sign of sexual abuse, so be aware of the warning signs. Explain to your child that no other person — including close friends and relatives—may touch her private parts. Only doctors and nurses may touch his genitals during physical exams, and you (his own parents) may touch his genitals when trying to locate or treat pain in the genital area.
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Look for natural “teachable moments” for talking about the topic of sex, the AAP advises. For example, talk about genitals at bath time, and loosely explain pregnancy when you or someone you know is expecting a baby. But don’t go overboard on the facts. Preschoolers who ask about pregnancy don’t need to know the details of sexual intercourse—just answer their specific questions with a simple, truthful response, like: “Mommies have a tiny egg inside of them and Daddies have something called sperm that can make the egg grow into a baby. The baby comes out of the mom’s vagina. This is how a lot of animals have babies, too.”
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Gathering Clues and Setting Up Boundaries
[Age 6–7] Your early elementary school–age child is probably trying to gather more clues about everything: how exactly male and female bodies differ, how exactly babies are made, and what takes place sexually between adults. He’s also learning to set up boundaries for his own body. Continue to answer your child’s questions simply and truthfully without going into too much detail. Turn to age-appropriate children’s books to help explain things. In the book It’s So Amazing by Robie H. Harris and Michael Emberley (recommended for ages 7 and up), kid-friendly drawings illustrate how boys’ and girls’ bodies are different: “The parts that are different are the parts that make each of us a female or a male. Some of these parts are on the outside of our bodies. Some are inside our bodies. Some are also the parts—when a person’s body grows up—that can make a baby.” Teach your child how to protect herself from sexual abuse and let her set boundaries for her body and personal safety. If your child hates being tickled or seen naked, even by immediate family members, allow her to make the rules and say “no” to anything when it comes to her body. It’s natural for children to become more modest about their private parts as they get older and more independent, but it’s good to teach them that nothing about their bodies is shameful. It’s still fine for parents (even of the opposite sex) to horseplay, cuddle, carry kids on their shoulders, and teach kids to shower and bathe themselves, if the child is comfortable with all of these things.
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Talk with kids about the beauty of romantic relationships, so they learn that love is connected to sexuality. Show affection and respect toward your partner; your child is observing everything. “Lessons and values he learns at this age will stay with him as an adult,” the AAP says of this age group. “It will encourage meaningful adult relationships later.”
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Preparing for Puberty and Wondering About Sex
[Age 8–12] In some ways, the years leading up to puberty can feel like “the calm before the storm.” Children may be more embarrassed and quiet about sex-related questions than when they were younger. Or, they may be even more openly curious and less shy about the topic. Either way, your tween’s gears are turning, and your openness and honesty is more important than ever. Continue to follow your child’s lead and readily answer his questions about sex. According to the book Talking to Your Kids About Sex, most kids develop an understanding about the basic mechanics of sex by age 8 or 9. The AAP advises trying to find out what your child already knows, and correcting any misinformation he has picked up along the way. Ask if your child wants or needs to know more during talks about sex. Follow up your answers with, “Does that answer your question?” Use TV-watching and media time as an opportunity to check in about your tween’s sex-related questions, the AAP says. Kids who say, “eww — gross!” when they see characters making out in a movie might actually be expressing curiosity about sex, so ask whether your child has any questions. Talk about the depiction of sex and gender roles in the media, and the importance of separating media portrayals from reality. Prepare your child for puberty. Don’t leave it up to school health/
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sex education teachers — their information may be too little, too late. Puberty usually begins between ages 8 and 13 in girls and ages 9 and 15 in boys. Early puberty is becoming more common, so it’s wise to let your older elementary school–age child know about the physical and hormonal/emotional changes on the horizon before he (or some of his friends) begin to experience it. When you discuss puberty, you may need to touch on the basics of intercourse, but unless your child has specific questions, you can likely save in-depth conversations about sex until the early teen years. Have separate talks about puberty and sexual intercourse rather than one “big talk,” which can embarrass and alienate your child. Let him digest the information one topic at a time. Talk about the normalcy of sexual feelings, “wet dreams,” and masturbation (in private), and allow your child some more privacy in his tween and teen years. Don’t tease tweens about crushes because their self-esteem and body image can be fragile. Start thinking about and communicating your family’s ground rules for dating. Forewarn your child about porn. “The average age a kid sees porn is 10. It’s everywhere and it’s naive to think your kid won’t see it,” sexual health educator Amy Lang tells CNN. “Tell them about porn before they stumble across it: ‘Sometimes people look at pictures or videos of people having sex. This is called pornography, or porn. It’s not for kids, and your heart and mind aren’t ready to see something like this.’”
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Keep an open-door policy. Even if you have been shy about discussing sex until now, know that it’s not too late to offer yourself as a resource on the topic. Let your child know you are always available to answer questions about puberty, sexuality, intercourse, and the things she encounters on the Internet or TV, or hears about through peers. You would probably prefer to be your child’s primary resource about sex questions—and your family’s related beliefs and values—so let your child know early and often that you’re always there for her. If your child is too shy to talk, provide him with an ageappropriate book like It’s Perfectly Normal by Robie H. Harris and Michael Emberley (recommended for ages 10 and up) for him to explore on his own.
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Dating and Dreading, but Needing “The Talk”
[Age 13+] By now, kids know what sex is (and that it has nothing to do with “birds” and “bees”). But there’s still a lot you can teach them about protecting themselves against STDs, teen pregnancy, date rape, and other risks. Fewer than 2 percent of U.S. adolescents have sex by age 12 (phew), but one-third of teens have sex by age 16, nearly half of teens by age 17, and more than 70 percent by age 19, so the early- to mid-teen years are generally a good time to go into some more specifics about healthy sexual choices. Confess your jitters about discussing the sex topic with your teen. This can help break the ice since your teen is probably feeling just as uncomfortable about the subject. Again, consider using TV or the media as a conversation starter. For example, ask your child if the teenage couple on her favorite show have had sex, and whether she thinks it’s appropriate. Say whatever comes to mind—just be honest. Here are some key points that can help. Talk with your child about mutual consent, and protecting herself against STDs and pregnancy by using condoms or other contraceptives. Girls should first see a gynecologist when they become sexually active or by age 18. Talk with kids about avoiding Internet porn, sexting, and meeting new people online. Legal consequences for sexting seem to vary by state, but it’s best to advise your child to avoid it altogether. Don’t spy on your child’s every move online, but talk about rules for mobile safety and using apps and social media wisely.
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Tune into your child’s dating life. If your child seems to be seeing someone seriously, it’s time to talk about sex and contraceptives. Most U.S. teens (70 percent of females and 56 percent of males) say that their first sexual experience is with a steady partner. “If you find out your child is planning to have sex, it is important to have a direct, open, and non-judgmental conversation,” Dr. Berman advises in Talking to Your Kids About Sex. Let your teen know that her sexual desires are legitimate and natural, but that sex comes with tremendous responsibilities. Express your family’s values and your wishes for your child to make careful decisions, but remember that she may still engage in sex even if you disapprove, so it’s important for you to tell her how she can protect herself.
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Explore Body Parts With Your Kids Teaching Children the Real Names for Body Parts A presidential election offers many “teachable moments”: a chance to explain democracy, the electoral process and even a certain amount of negative advertising and name-calling. But this may be the first time that a presidential election has called upon parents to discuss slang terms for genitals. Mind you, the words that young children use for their nether regions are a daily concern in a pediatric office, where we examine children’s bodies. We try to connect with them in language that they understand, but also, often, find ourselves providing the correct names for body parts, sometimes even as we try to figure out exactly what is itchy, or exactly where it hurts. And sometimes a child is embarrassed that the physical exam extends to the genitals, but it’s usually helpful to explain, in tandem with the parent, that yes, these parts of your body are private, but we need to make sure they’re healthy, so it’s O.K. for the doctor to check them. And in doing so, usually the doctor will name them. A pediatrician friend whose work in a Southern city included doing evaluations for child sexual abuse told me that the local name for these exams on young girls was “tootie checks.” The clinic staff would start out with whatever term the child was accustomed to using, and then move carefully to more precise language. Sandy K. Wurtele, a professor of psychology and an associate dean at the University of Colorado in Colorado Springs, was the lead author on a 1992 research study showing that preschoolers in Head Start knew the correct names for other body parts, but
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referred to their genitals by a wide array of slang terms, from the familiar (my peepee, my weewee) to the more baroque (my coochie, my piddlewiddle). In this study, children learned the correct names better from their parents than from their teachers. Ideally, parents should start teaching those terms even before their children can talk, naming the genitals just as they name other body parts in the inevitable daily round of small-child body care and grooming and, yes, diapering and potty time. “Once they learn the correct terms they’re going to use them,” Dr. Wurtele said. “Often they use them in public and that’s often embarrassing for parents, when they’re at the grocery story in line and their daughter says, ‘my vagina itches.’” But that, of course, is another teachable moment, a chance to explain about the private in private parts (often defined for small children as what a bathing suit covers). When children are old enough to talk, looking at picture books together is a good way to discuss these issues — the nomenclature, the privacy, the different kinds of bodies. “I made a conscious decision to not use the other names, other than the names that these parts are actually called,” said Robie Harris, a children’s book author (and a friend of mine) whose books include “Who Has What? All About Girls’ Bodies and Boys’ Bodies,” and “It’s Not the Stork! A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends.”
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The human body refers to the entire structure of a human being and comprises a head, neck, trunk (which includes the thorax and abdomen), arms and hands, legs and feet. Every part of the body is composed of various types of cell. The human body is truly wondrous. Now just how it looks, but how it works! With enough oxygen and nutrients, a body grows on its own. It produces blood and hormones and distributes them amongst itself. Each of the body’s many functions is carried out by one of its systems.
Hair Forehead Nose
Eyebrow Ear Neck
Mouth
Shoulder Hand
Chest
Hand
Stomach Hip
Leg Knee Ankle Foot
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Muscular System Muscles are elastic tissues that allow for people to move in both voluntary and involuntary ways. There are over 600 muscles in the human body and they are divided into three types. Smooth muscles are involuntary and they work for the digestive and excretory systems to move substances. Cardiac muscles are only found in the heart and they are also involuntary. Finally, skeletal muscles are those that are attached to the bone. People can move them at will.
Frontalis Orbicularis Oculi Triceps
Face Muscles Sternocleidomastoid Biceps
Deltoids
Pectorals
Rectus Abdominal
Sartorius
Hamstrings
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Obliques
Quadriceps
Skeletal System The skeletal system is what gives the body shape and durability. It also protects the organs within. The skeletal system is made up of 206 bones including 22 for the skull, 26 for the vertebrae and 6 just for the inner-ears. To keep healthy and strong, bones need calcium through vitamins A, C and D.
Skull Ulna Phalanges
Mandible Clavicle
Metacarpus Carpus Humerus
Radius Sternum
Rib Vertebral Column Pelvis
Femur Fibula
Patella
Tibia Metaurus
Tarsus Phalanges
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Nervous System The heart is the center of the circulatory system and the lungs are the center of the respiratory system. In the nervous system, the brain is what does all the work. Inside the brain are nerve cells called neurons. Neurons transmit chemical messages through synapses, which causes the body to act in a certain way. The transmissions are responsible for thinking, muscle movement and even involuntary actions like the heartbeat.
Brain
Brain Stem
Spinal Cord
Peripheral Nerves
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Circulatory System The circulatory system is responsible for pumping blood throughout your body. The blood carries chemicals, including oxygen, to the other organs giving them fuel to function properly. Its central part is the heart, which does the pumping. It takes deoxidized blood and pushes it toward the lungs where it receives oxygen. The blood then travels through the arteries to the rest of the body, giving them the oxygen. The again deoxidized blood then returns to the heart through veins, which are blue because deoxidized blood is actually blue in color.
Brain Vessels
Vessels of Upper Limb Heart
Superior Vena Cava Right Atrium Pulmonary Veins Cardiac Valve Right Ventricle
Aorta Pulmonary Artery Pulmonary Veins Left Atrium Cardiac Valve
Inferior Vena Cava
Vessels of Lower Limb
Left Ventricle Aorta
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Respiratory System Using the respiratory system is another way to say breathing. Blood transports oxygen throughout to body, but breathing gets the oxygen inside in the first place. When a person inhales, they fill their lungs with air. Then, oxygen is filtered from the carbon dioxide and other compounds the body doesn’t need. The blood takes the oxygen away and the person then exhales the unwanted compounds.
Nose Nasal Cavity Larynx
Trachea Right Lung Alveolus
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Mouse Thyroid
Bronchus Bronchiole Left Lung
Digestive System Oxygen is not the only fuel that the body needs. Other nutrients are also required for the body to function properly. They are received by ingesting food and allowing it to pass through the digestive system. The digestive system is made up of many of the organs in the midsection. Included are the mouth, the esophagus, the stomach, both the large and small intestines, the rectum and the anus. Food is mashed in the mouth, dissolved in the stomach, nutrients are absorbed in the small intestine and the remains are excreted thereafter.
Mouth and Salivary Glands
Liver Gallbladder Duodenum Cecum
Anus
Esophagus
Stomach Pancreas Transverse Colon Descending Colon Jejunum Sigmoid Colon Rectum
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Excretory System The excretory system, also known as the urinary system, is in charge of collecting waste materials in the body and removing them. Tiny filters in the kidneys remove extra water, minerals and urea from the blood. The kidneys then turn it all into urine and send it to the bladder through a tube called the ureter. From the bladder, it then travels through another tube called the urethra and out of the body. The liver, the lungs and the skin also serve significant roles in the excretory system.
Medulla Cortex Renal Pelvis Urinary Bladder
Aorta Kidney Renal Artery Renal Vein Vena Cava
Urethra
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Ureter
Immune System The immune system is comprised of all the parts of the body that help to fight against disease and germs. An often overlooked part of the immune system is the skin. The skin covers nearly the whole body, protecting it from pathogens. The parts of the body that are exposed have their own defense mechanisms. The nose has hair and mucous, the mouth has saliva and the eyes have tears. For germs that do enter the body, the inside is armed with white blood cells which locate and combat the invaders.
Tonsils Lymphatic Vessels
Lymph Nodes Thymus
Spleen
Appendix Bone Marrow
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Reproductive System Human reproduction is when an egg cell from a woman and a sperm cell from a man unite and develop in the womb to form a baby. A number of organs and structures in both the woman and the man are needed in order for this process to occur . These are called the reproductive organs and genitals.
Male Reproductive
Bladder Glands Sperm Duct Urethra Penis Testis Scrotum Foreskin
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Female Reproductive
Oviduct Ovary Uterus Cervix Bladder Urethra Vagina
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Teach Your Kids Types of Sexual Orientation and Gender Identities Sexual Orientation vs. Gender Identity Sexual orientation is about who you’re attracted to and want to have relationships with. Sexual orientations include gay, lesbian, heterosexual, bisexual, and asexual. Sexual orientation is about who you’re attracted to and who you feel drawn to romantically, emotionally, and sexually. It’s different than gender identity. Gender identity isn’t about who you’re attracted to, but about who you ARE — male, female, genderqueer, etc. It’s important to note that some people don’t think any of these labels describe them accurately. Some people don’t like the idea of labels at all. Other people feel comfortable with certain labels and not others. It’s up to you to decide how you want to label yourself, if at all. Here I would like to talk about what’s the meaning of 5 sexual orientations and 00 gender identities with some pride flags and symbols.
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Heterosexual
[het-er-uh-sek-shoo-u]
Heterosexual is person who is attracted to the opposite sex, which is male attracted to female and female attracted to male.
Gay
[gey]
Gay is person who is attracted to the same sex, it is especially referring to gay males, and the practices and cultures associated with homosexuality.
Lesbian
[lez-bee-uh n]
A lesbian is a female homosexual, a female who is attracted to other females. The term lesbian is also used to express sexual identity or sexual behavior regardless of sexual orientation, or as an adjective to characterize or associate nouns with female homosexuality or same-sex attraction.
Bisexual
[bahy-sek-shoo-uh l]
Bisexuality is person who is attracted to both males and females, or romantic or sexual attraction to people of any sex or gender identity; this latter aspect is sometimes alternatively termed pansexuality.
Asexual
[ey-sek-shoo-uh l]
Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the variations thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality.
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LGBTQ LGBTQ is an initialism that stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer. The term queer is an umbrella term for sexual and gender minorities who are not heterosexual or not cisgender. People who reject traditional gender identities and seek a broader and deliberately ambiguous alternative to the label LGBT may describe themselves as queer.
The rainbow flag was popularized as a symbol of the gay community by San Francisco artist Gilbert Baker in 1978. The different colors symbolize diversity in the gay community, and the flag is used predominantly at gay pride events and in gay villages worldwide in various forms including banners, clothing and jewelry. Since the 1990s, its symbolism has been transferred to represent the extended “LGBT� community . The pink triangle was one of the Nazi concentration camp badges, used to identify male prisoners who were sent there because of their homosexuality. Pink and yellow triangles could be combined if a prisoner was deemed to be gay and Jewish.
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Cisgender
[sis-jen-der]
Cisgender is a term for someone who has a gender identity that aligns with what they were assigned at birth. The term was created for referring to “non-transgender” people without alienating transgender people. For example, if the doctor announces a baby as being a girl, and she is fine with being a girl, then she is cisgender. Cisgender may sometimes be referred to as cissexual (corresponding to transsexual, not to be confused with a sexual orientation), or shortened to cis.
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Gender Fluid
[jen-der floo-id] Gender fluid is a gender identity which refers to a gender which varies over time. A gender fluid person may at any time identify as male, female, neutrois, or any other non-binary identity, or some combination of identities. Their gender can also vary at random or vary in response to different circumstances. Gender fluid people may also identify as multigender, nonbinary and/or transgender. Gender fluid people who feel that the strength of their gender(s) change(s) over time, or that they are sometimes agender, may identify as gender flux.
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Bigender
[bahy-jen-der]
Bigender is a gender identity which can be literally translated as “two genders” or “double gender”. Bigender people experience exactly two gender identities, either simultaneously or varying between the two. These two gender identities could be male and female, but could also include non-binary identities. Bigender people may also identify as multigender, non-binary and/or transgender. If a bigender person feels that their identity changes over time or depending on circumstance, they may also identify as genderfluid, which describes any person whose gender identity varies over time. Bigender people can have any gender expression but many prefer to be seen as androgynous and/or change their presentation to be more masculine or feminine depending on their current identity. Bigender people may experience dysphoria in which they want their body to reflect traits from two distinct sexes, or experience dysphoria at some times but not others. However, not all bigender people experience dysphoria. Some bigender people may choose to transition so that their body more closely matches their gender identity, but not all do. Bigender people can be any sexuality, and should not be confused with bisexual.
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Agender
[ey-jen-der]
Agender is a term which can be literally translated as ‘without gender’. It can be seen either as a non-binary gender identity or as a statement of not having a gender identity. People who identify as agender may describe themselves as one or more of the following: •
Genderless or lacking gender.
•
Gender neutral. This may be meant in the sense of being neither man or woman yet still having a gender.
•
Neutrois or neutrally gendered.
•
Having an unknown or undefinable gender; not aligning with any gender.
•
Having no other words that fit their gender identity.
•
Not knowing or not caring about gender, as an internal identity and/or as an external label.
•
Deciding not to label their gender.
•
Identifying more as a person than any gender at all.
Many agender people also identify as genderqueer, non-binary and/or transgender. However, some agender people prefer to avoid these terms, especially transgender, as they feel this implies identifying as a gender other than their assigned gender, while they in fact do not identify as any gender at all. Agender people can have any preference for pronouns, although some prefer to avoid using gendered language about themselves as much as possible. They can also present in any way - masculine,
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feminine, both or neither. Agender people can experience dysphoria if they are unable to express their identity in a way they are comfortable with. Agender people who wish to appear gender-neutral or genderless may have gender nullification surgery to achieve a body that lacks sex characteristics. Chromosome therapy is currently being studied by researchers at UC Berkeley which attempts to nullify those chromosomes which stereotypically identify the individual by a sex. Agender people can be of any sexuality and should not be confused with being asexual.
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Genderqueer
[jen-der-kweer]
Genderqueer is an umbrella term with a similar meaning to nonbinary. It can be used to describe any gender identities other than man and woman, thus outside of the gender binary. Genderqueer identities can include one or more of the following: •
Both man and woman
•
Neither man nor woman (genderless, agender, Neutrois)
•
Moving between genders (gender fluid)
•
Third gender or other-gender
•
Those who do not or cannot place a name to their gender
•
Having an overlap of, or blurred lines between, gender identity and sexual orientation
Some genderqueer people use that as their only description of their gender identity, while others also identify as another gender identity such as androgyne, bigender etc. Genderqueer people may also identify as transgender and/or nonbinary. Some genderqueer people may wish to transition, either medically or by changing their name and/or pronouns to suit their preferred gender expression. Genderqueer people can have any sexual orientation.
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Many genderqueer individuals see gender and sex as separable aspects of a person and sometimes identify as a male woman, a female man, or a male/female/intersex genderqueer. Genderqueer identification may also occur for political reasons. “Genderqueer”, along with being an umbrella term, has been used as an adjective to refer to any people who transgress mainstream distinctions of gender, regardless of their self-defined gender identity, for example, those who “queer” gender, expressing it nonnormatively. Androgynous is sometimes also used as a descriptive term for people in this category, but genderqueer is used to indicate that gender norms can be transgressed through a combination of masculinity and femininity, or neither, and because not all genderqueer people identify as androgyne.
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Transgender
[trans-jen-der]
Transgender or Transexuality is an umbrella term for anyone whose internal experience of gender does not match the gender they were assigned at birth (normally based on genitalia). Transgender people often experience discomfort or distress due to their gender not being recognized by others, and therefore wish to transition to being viewed as their true gender identity. A popular image of transgender people is that of a “woman trapped in a man’s body” and vice versa, but this isn’t entirely accurate. A more accurate description is that transgender people are born into bodies which society does not associate with their gender, or were assigned a sex that does not match their gender. People whose bodies are recognized in a way which corresponds to their gender identity are referred to as cisgender. Some transgender people feel that way from a very young age, while others go through a period of questioning before realizing they are transgender. Transgender people can be men, women or non-binary. They can have any sexual orientation, express their gender through their appearance in any way, and may or may not fit into society’s views of gender.
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The Best Parents Handbook
Aperson who is assigned by a cultural
People who are assigned by a cultural
authority (usually a medical professional) a
authority (usually a medical professional)
male sex at birth but whose gender identity
a female sex at birth but whose gender
is female and who tries in various ways to
identities are male and who try in various
change her sex to match her gender identity.
ways to change their sex to match their gender identities.
Let’s Talk About Sex
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Credits Klass, M.D. Perri. “Teaching Children the Real Names for Body Parts.” The New York Times. The New York Times, 01 Nov. 2016. Web. 03 Aug. 2017.
“How to teach body parts to kids.” EnglishClub.
Campaign, Human Rights. “Donor Insemination: The Basics.” Human Rights Campaign.
Campaign, Human Rights. “Known Donor Agreement.” Human Rights Campaign.
Campaign, Human Rights. “Selecting Sperm Banks and Unknown Donors.” Human Rights Campaign.
Campaign, Human Rights. “Donor Insemination: The Basics.” Human Rights Campaign.
F., Sandra. “Using a sperm donor to get pregnant: process and chances of conceiving.” InviTRA. Reproducción Asistida .ORG, 01 Mar. 2017.
“State-by-State Interactive Map for Commercial Surrogacy.” U.S. Surrogacy Map | Creative Family Connections.
“Talking with Kids About Sex | The Birds & The Bees | Age by Age Guide.” FamilyEducation.
Everall, Kate. “Conceiving as a lesbian couple: 7 things to consider before you have a baby.” Metro.
Adoptions, Lifelong. “Lgbt adoption.” LifeLong Adoptions.
“How Many U.S. Children Have Gay Parents?” The Spruce.
“6 Surrogacy Tips That Every Prospective Gay Dad Needs to Know.” Gays With Kids.
Glossary Foster care The raising or supervision of foster children, as orphans or delinquents, in an institution, group home, or private home, usually arranged through a government or social-service agency that provides remuneration for expenses.
Sperm bank A repository for storing sperm and keeping it viable under scientifically controlled conditions prior to its use in artificial insemination.
Surrogacy Surrogacy is a method or agreement whereby a woman agrees to carry a pregnancy for another person or persons, who will become the newborn child’s parent(s) after birth.
Sperm bank A repository for storing sperm and keeping it viable under scientifically controlled conditions prior to its use in artificial insemination.
IVF In Vitro Fertilization is an assisted reproductive technology (ART) commonly referred to as IVF. IVF is the process of fertilization by extracting eggs, retrieving a sperm sample, and then manually combining an egg and sperm in a laboratory dish. The embryo(s) is then transferred to the uterus.
ICI Intracervical insemination (ICI) is one of the oldest and most common artificial insemination procedures, dating back as far as the 1880s. Similar to intrauterine insemination (IUI), it involves placing sperm directly into the woman’s reproductive tract to improve the chances of pregnancy.
IUI Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is a fertility treatment that involves placing sperm inside a woman’s uterus to facilitate fertilization. The goal of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes and subsequently increase the chance of fertilization.
Cisgender Cisgender (often abbreviated to simply cis) is a term for people whose gender identity matches the sex that they were assigned at birth. Cisgender may also be defined as those who have “a gender identity or perform a gender role society considers appropriate for one’s sex”. It is the opposite of the term transgender.
STD STDs are infections that are passed from one person to another during vaginal, anal, and oral sex. They’re really common, and lots of people who have them don’t have any symptoms. STDs can be dangerous, but the good news is that getting tested is no big deal, and most STDs are easy to treat.
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