Growing: Because of the Circumstances

Content Warning: brief mentions of violence and death

by Taylor Lander

When I was younger I believed my identity as Asian was simple, it was an unimportant aspect of myself that others would ignore and during my early years I treated it as such. I grew up with a distaste in my mouth for my own identity, and I began to hate my culture for the way others treated me because of it. They threw me in lockers and trash cans all whilst putting post-it notes on my backpack that reminded me that I was exactly what they saw me as; less than. As an adult, the images and experiences I had as a young Asian girl seem to have manifested itself in the big scary adult world as intense violence and intimidation. They beat our grandparents, target and kill our sisters, and shout hate at our community.

We are constantly filled with images of struggling people in our communities who are simply trying to live in a world of hatred against them. News reports with graphic videos of deaths, attacks and screams fill our brains. They remind us that the world can be a scary, unforgiving place for people who look like us. We are never allowed space to love, or love each other for the things we have been told to hate about ourselves.

I want to love myself. I want to love my culture. I refuse to let what others believe define who I am and what I can be. My experience as an Asian woman is limited and I can’t nor do I wish to speak for people I don’t represent. What I do know is that we are all worthy of happiness. We are all deserving of love. Most BIPOC communities have found that knowing we are worthy is inherently different from feeling worthy. It is anything but easy. I am in a constant battle between the socialized image of “deserving” as being things I will never be, or having a strong craving to feel that worthiness others deny me that I know I am deserving of. This is a battle I don’t know if I can win, but I believe has immense worth.

I pass this on to others who resonate with these feelings, and have a simple message; You are growing, and that is beautiful. You are growing in a way that no one can take away from you, and in a way only you can see or understand. Push past the messages that self-love is an end goal, and instead see your journey as exactly what it is and not what it should be. You are deserving of love on days where you feel your best. You are worthy of love on days at your worst, and this is because all of these thoughts and feelings are what makes you who you are. And you are growing, not in-spite of, but because of these circumstances.