HAMLINE UNIVERSITY | ST. PAUL, MN | 3.31.21 | VOL. 132 | NO. 3.14159265 | HAMLINEORACLE.COM
Bishop blamed for COVID-19 outbreak Surveillance testing backfires on Hamline’s campus as it reveals an overwhelming spread of COVID-19. Notorious CQ News Reporter ncq19@hamline.edu Bishop Leonidas Lent Hamline was selected as a mandatory participant for Hamline University’s COVID-19 surveillance testing on Tuesday, March 23. When Bishop Hamline was notified he had been randomly selected as a mandatory participant for this event, he was thankful. So much so that he was even said to have slept outside of Walker Field House the night before the event to be first in line to receive his test. When Bishop Hamline reported his positive result to Hamline Health Services, they started the traditional contact tracing procedure that is done with any positive COVID-19 test. “The Bishop had reported that he had lost count and did not know the names of the individuals for which he could have possibly been in contact with,” a Hamline health services employee said. “Hamline was concerned with this input and ordered additional information to be gathered, we knew that this could not be ignored.” This resulted in over 300 students and faculty members being ordered into a 21 day quarantine by Hamline Health
Services for exposure to the Bishop while he was contagious with COVID-19. Public Safety was able to successfully trace each individual by using a surveillance camera that had recorded the area around Bishop Hamline. They successfully tracked everyone who had come within 10 feet of Bishop Hamline for longer than 0.05 seconds during the time 72 hours prior to the test being administered, following the practical COVID-19 protocol. In addition to this quarantine, official infectious disease researchers came to Hamline’s campus to conduct an advanced scan of Bishop Hamline’s books and clothes to determine if additional COVID-19 particles were present on his personal items. They found a significant amount of contagious COVID-19 and bacteria particles present on Bishop Hamline that were deemed unsafe to the public, even if individuals were wearing masks. Due to the continued threat this event had on the community, Hamline University took additional actions to ensure Bishop Hamline would not cause any additional harm to others. SCAN | NOTORIOUS CQ, RHETORACLE Through advanced technology, the infectious disease researchers were able to illuminate all contagious COVID-19 particles on the surface of Bishop Hamline. They classified the results of this scan as a public health threat.
see BISHOP OUTBREAK page 4
Retiring to Mars Professor David Hudson’s retirement plans will take him over the moon — quite literally. Al Dente News Reporter adente01@hamline.edu While most children grow out of their dreams of becoming an astronaut, Professor David Hudson of the English Department skipped that step and just kept on dreaming. Now, after an illustrious career in higher education, Hudson plans to return to his primary interest with a goal that puts even Neil Armstrong to shame: becoming the first person on Mars.
Something few Hamline students know about Hudson is that along with having a doctorate in philosophy, he also holds doctorates in astrophysics and aerospace engineering. “He’s one of the most brilliant men I’ve ever met,” said Joe King, deputy director of All Things Space at NASA. “Without him we would have never reached the moon. I don’t know how he balanced working at both Hamline and NASA for so long.”
see HUDSON ON MARS page 4
PHOTO | DJ FUNSIZE, RHETORACLE As well as being a professor at Hamline University, David Hudson is also regarded as one of NASA’s most trusted advisors on their space program and dreams of creating a life on Mars.
Workday taking over The switch from Piperline to Workday was only the first step in turning Hamline into the first Workday campus — a flawless model crossing over work, school and eventually, life. Adam Drivers License Senior Reporter adrivers21@hamline.edu The campus was thrown for a loop when it was announced that students would be using Workday, an online, cloudbased human resources and finance management platform, for registering for fall 2021 classes. However, registration was merely the beginning of a full-on transition to becoming a Workday campus — the very first of its kind. “The world is evolving fast. With an enterprise management cloud from Workday, you can build your business to adapt to what’s next,” their website totes. Hamline plans to continue building and adapting their business through Workday by replacing Canvas next, as they sunset yet another crucial entity on campus. The new program will house all classes and will come with a video-chat function that all online classes will be encouraged to use. They are calling this all-encompassing platform “Worklife’’ and plan to eventually use it for residents halls, sports teams and org management. Worklife was also going to be used for dining services but switching dining service would cost a significant amount that would take away from the student scholarship budget. “The quick, easy login, the icons that make complete sense that are not confusing at all, the minimal lag-time — Workday provides all our campus needs and more. We expect the assimilation, uh, transition I mean, to be smooth,” Dean Marci Kosten said. The campus assimilation began in early February when Canvas’s successor was piloted in four different classes from different areas of study: history, English, psychology and communication studies.
see WORKDAY page 2
2 News
EDITORIAL & PRODUCTION King Kombucha Crayons Queen Adam Drivers License Princess Your Mom... Chamberlain Cheesecake Cofferer Pidgeon Master Master Artisan Felony Pumpkin Wizard DJ FunSize Constable Ágatha Sousa Ferreira Falconer Caesar Salad Master of Ceremonies Kalamata Olive The Royal Fool Sir Gallahad Ladies in Waiting Oscar Mayer, Polyhymnia Hamlinton Aristans Shapes, Kimberly Kardashian (NOT WEST) Masters of the Hunt Monika Worsst, Al Dente, Attila the Hun
The Rhetoracle | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2021
Oops, Manor’s a hospital again Due to an influx in cases of COVID-19, Manor Hall is being turned into a hospital. Your Mom... Senior Reporter ymom...01@hamline.edu Hamline finally decided to pay homage to the traditions of the university by turning Manor Hall back into a hospital, as it was once told to be, to accommodate the spike in COVID-19 cases among students. But there’s a slight problem with that — Manor Hall was not actually ever a hospital and was never really equipped to be one. Now the university is facing even more of a deficit in money and space. Yes, that is possible. “It was never a hospital, it’s all baloney,” said the local mole woman who lives in the tunnels underneath Hamline and it is super unclear what her age is, Patricia Piper. “I’ve seen some things go down at this university, but a hospital in that dank building was never one of them.” The university will not be hiring any medical professionals to staff the hospital, however, it will be fully staffed by the ghosts that haunt the building that was initially built in 1922.
Heralds Meap Flynn Fletcher, Nacho Shizz, John Denver Jr., Gossip Girl, Parker, Nedyah SeyahLebowitz, Food Reporter, Eau De Nil Noctis Confessors Arthur Knotfound, Oscar Mayer The King’s Painter DJ FunSize The Royal Painters
Tony the Tiger, Notorious CQ, Chicago Bean Papermeister Robin Doyscher Lords
The Boys
POLICIES
T he Oracle has been published by Hamline
PHOTO | CHICAGO BEAN, RHETORACLE An example of the cleanliness Manor patients can look forward to.
students since 1888. The paper is funded through a student fee levied by the university’s Student Media Board. We are a public forum. The opinions expressed within are not necessarily those of the student body, faculty or staff. We do not discriminate in employment. Our mission To cover news, trends, events and entertainment relevant to Hamline undergraduate students. We strive to make our coverage accurately reflect the diverse communities that comprise the student population. Corrections The Oracle welcomes corrections of quotational and factual errors. Please send such commentary to: oracle@hamline.edu and place “Correction” in the subject line. Direct advertising inquiries to oracle@hamline.edu. The Oracle accepts most print and insert requests.
Workday
1536 Hewitt Ave. MB 107 St. Paul, MN 55104
(continued from front)
oracle@hamline.edu hamlineoracle.com issuu.com/theoracle1888 (651)523-2268
“It feels good to be needed, I feel so seen,” said Karen, one of the many ghosts in Manor. Yes, her name is just Karen. Since Manor Hall was once an all women’s dorm, most of the ghosts are women, and they have some thoughts about working for free.
Despite the administration’s emphasis on functionality and ease, those actually using the platform have expressed their concerns. “Have you tried logging into Workday before?” first-year Mason Grayson said. “Imagine you’re running to class, logging in one minute before it begins and boom, ‘send code to Hamline email.’ Who is trying to hack my Workday? Who is trying to break
PHOTO | TONY THE TIGER, RHETORACLE Rumor has it that Manor Hall was once a hospital. It was not. “I know that I can’t actually use real money, because I’m dead, but it’s the gesture of it all,” said one of the ghosts of Manor, Esther Willis. “Women, even if they are ghosts, should be paid equitably. Even though tuition was only like $75 while I attended Hamline in 1924, it really broke the bank at the time. Hamline totes owes me.” There is no compensation on the table yet for the ghost nurses, but they are guaranteed free lodging in the walls of the building. But before they can get too comfortable, Manor will be undergoing renovations in order to become a tiny, state of the art hospital. “Uh, we’ll be putting a new coat of paint on some of the walls,” said the newly hired hospital manager Panorama McSick. “But uh, that’s all we can really afford. Maybe we’ll be able to clean the carpets at some point, but otherwise, the building is staying exactly the same. We’ll just be adding some hospital equipment to the dorm rooms.” In order to make way for the new hospital plans, all current residents this spring semester are being abruptly kicked out of their rooms. Luckily, with so few students who actually want to live on campus during a literal pandemic, there are lots of free rooms for the displaced students. “The university just kicked us out of Manor, I’m so confused,” said junior Pippy Falsch and former resident of the building. “They sent us an email letting us know that we had until the end of the day to move out. How rude.” All Manor dorm furniture will stay in the current rooms, and hospital patients will have to pay $100 to Bedloft to unbunk their beds. into my classes? Don’t ask to remember my device if you’re just not going to.” And students are not the only people concerned about the change. “We have been piloting Worklife in my class and wow,” Anna Price, a communication studies professor, said. “As of now, whenever you do breakout rooms, half the students get kicked out and have to log back in, which takes anywhere from five to 10 minutes. I was worried at first that students were doing it to get out of having to talk in breakout rooms, but it turns out that isn’t true. Workday just makes everything harder than it needs to be.” Among concerns surrounding the platform itself, students expressed feeling confused about the change.
PHOTO | CHICAGO BEAN, RHETORACLE As his condition worsened, Bishop Hamline was moved to one of Manor’s luxury hospital rooms. “We’ll treat you in a bunked bed if we have to, but you have to pay that Bedloft fee,” McSick said. The university will be hosting an in-person grand opening ceremony on April 1, 2021, where President Mayneese Filler will give one of her classic speeches and cut the ribbon to officially open the hospital’s doors. Normal hospital operations will begin immediately after. “I am so glad that Hamline values my skill set and life experiences as someone who studied biblical studies when attending college and just trusts me enough to be a nurse for all these students,” Willis said. “I can’t wait to be a part of Hamline’s past, present and future.” “It’s Workday for, like, work? And so Worklife is for life?” sophomore Emilia London said. “Whatever, it really doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve already given up my ability to think freely. I just wish someone could explain what all the icons mean. And what task is awaiting me? Can they please just tell me what task is awaiting me?” Students can expect to find a transformed, monopolized campus in the fall, and should be prepared to lay down their last rights to become ideal products of capitalism. As always, Hamline continues to be a model for the completely ethical, logical and functional way to run higher education like a privatized business.
The Rhetoracle | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2021
News 3
Hamline gets pixelated With changes to dormitory spaces, a raging pandemic and financial cutbacks, Res Life moves virtual. Monika Worrst Senior Reporter mworrst89@hamline.edu Financial cutbacks and and the pandemic have caused Residential Life to think creatively for how best to navigate the future. Hamline can expect changes to residence assistants (RA), meetings and obtaining of materials starting as early as fall of 2021. “This is a huge deal. After over 250 years, Hamline’s Residential Life office will be moving completely virtual,” said Res Life’s newest addition, Sy Press who specializes in college related artificial intelligence services. This comes after years of controversial opinion surrounding Res Life. Students feel issues are sometimes left unresolved or uncommunicated. “I really think this virtual thing could be good. Maybe they will actually handle things and be transparent if they are glued to their computers or just, robots themselves,” said Hamline junior Al O’Vera. One change is all meetings will be held through astral projecting. Originally they were thinking of using the 2003 video chat service, Skype, because of its accessibility and vastness. When surveyed, Res Life staff decided they would be most interested in learning astral projection. This consists of intentionally separating your “astral body” from your physical body. “This will keep everyone safe, save time, and allow for meetings to be held whenever wherever,” Press said. “Stuck in the Hamline Tunnels? We can project to you. Having trouble with a ghost in Manor? We can join you! It really is the next best thing.” Another change is that, for the first time ever, RAs will be replaced by artificial intelligence similar to robots. This allows for fewer RAs per building with heightened security and awareness. Like Baymax from Disney’s “Big Hero 6,” these soft-robot RAs will be able to scan students and provide advice. They can also detect lies. “Though the human connection a college RA offers can never be replaced, COVID19 has taught us that we can survive in safer and more fulfilling ways virtually,” said Sue Mack, notably recognized as the next Elon Musk. They will still operate with the RA on duty system, and can and will be on duty more frequently. Like Baymax, these robots have a charging port that takes a half hour to get to a sufficient level. Some of the software automatically programmed into the RAs include a decibel meter and breathalyzer. Current RAs are torn between whether this is a good idea or not. “Financially, ethically, morally, it all makes sense. I think it is kind of weird, but it’s cool,” said senior RA, C. Daar.
The money that originally went to RAs as their stipend pay will purchase these robots. Aside from these changes, the Res Life office will be moving to a virtual format entirely. Students were concerned with the things that need to be in person such as picking up materials. ResLife has considered these situations. “Say if you need pins for bunking beds, we have contracted with a local blacksmith allowing you to forge your own pin,” Press said. Not only does this allow Res Life to remain online, it also teaches students the skill of metal forging, something many institutions of higher learning often “overlook.” All questions, comments and concerns are currently being backlogged.
ILLUSTRATION | SHAPES, RHETORACLE
Be your own boss with new work-study Because college isn’t enough of a pyramid scheme already. Attila the Hun Senior Reporter athehun01@hamline.edu Have your work-study prospects been curtailed due to COVID-19? Fret not, for there is a new option in town this spring. On April 1, President Mayneese Filler announced the launch of PiperPlex, the official multi-level marketing scheme of Hamline University. “We’ve been talking for years about how to boost our retention rate as high as Macalester’s,” Filler said. “Then I thought, what better way to keep ‘em coming back than to put students in charge of our marketing and recruitment efforts? And the best part is, they’ll get to be their own bosses!” Under PiperPlex, students will become independent sales representatives of the university, answering to no one — except the IRS, who may be less than chuffed. “I can’t wait to finally put the skills I learned from my business major to good use,” sophomore Cancelle Cultcher said. “All those kids that I bullied in elementary school are going to be totally convinced to come to Hamline when I send them a generic recruitment message that begins with ‘Hey, girl.” When one enlists into the program, they will join Filler’s downline, meaning that she will reap a hefty chunk of the tuition revenue from any prospective Piper they recruit. What she does with the money is anybody’s guess — maybe rescuing the religion department from extinction, or maybe just paying her musician son’s rent
in New York City. Financial benefits for the representatives themselves will not be immediate, as they will have to wait for their recruits to sign up to recruit others in order to secure a downline of their own. Like the pay-off of a degree itself, though, the delay is worth the wait. In addition to a world-class degree from Hamline University, goods available for purchase from your local PiperPlex rep include overpriced skincare products, vacuum cleaners that (like everything else about dorm life) break down after two uses, garishlycolored leggings with the Piper logo on them, and essential oils that are guaranteed to set off the fire alarm at three in the morning. “We’re planning to put our football players in charge of selling the leggings,” a press release from the Department of Athletics said. “To save money on uniforms, they’ll be sporting them during the games. Determining whether the fabric will hold up against the aggression of the sport will be entertainment in and of itself.” The mathematics department could not be reached for comment on whether or not the economic logistics of PiperPlex were feasible. Less than thrilled about the launch of PiperPlex, however, were the employees in the Department of Marketing and Communications, who were furloughed to save money. “I guess Mayneese Filler thinks a bunch of 20-year-olds sending emoji-overladen Facebook messages can do our job better than we ever could,” said Communications Director Geoffry Puppies. “If the next generation of college students isn’t motivated to buy into the scheme, you can always try and recruit the squirrels.”
4 News
The Rhetoracle | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2021
Hudson on Mars (continued from front)
Hudson, who is widely considered an American hero for both his teaching and his scientific work, has always been passionate about space, but the reason he’s planning on traveling to Mars includes something a little different. “I just really want to stick it to Elon Musk,” Hudson said. Musk, who happens to be the second most insufferable person at any party, also has plans for Mars. The two have been self described “arch-nemeses” for over a decade, after Musk allegedly stole one of
Hudson’s pencils and never gave it back. At times it has been unclear which of them would make it to Mars first. Recently, however, Hudson has taken a final and insurmountable lead. Hudson is now in the final stages of building his rocket, which will be fully equipped for the long journey with snacks, books and the extended editions of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. The launch is planned for June and will be televised internationally. Hamline students and faculty will receive special invitations to attend the event in person, and a raffle will be held for the honor of christening the rocket with a bottle of Welch’s sparkling grape juice.
After making it to Mars, Hudson has no plans to return to Earth, and instead is going to build a little cottage on the surface and spend his days reading, gardening and playing fetch with the Mars rover. “I’ll finally have a chance to relax knowing I beat Musk,” Hudson said. “I plan to take full advantage of my retirement, I might even pick up a new hobby. I’m thinking I might get into jigsaw puzzles.” While it will no longer be possible to visit Hudson on Earth, NASA is expected to begin providing shuttle transportation to Mars as early as next year for those who would like to visit their former professor and friend. “Anyone from Hamline will always be welcome to visit,” Hudson said. “I’d love to catch up with people and introduce them to this part of my life. I’ve always wanted to be in space, and this will be the realization of my childhood dream.”
CLASSIFIED FOLDER RENDERING | DJ FUNSIZE, RHETORACLE When he is not at Hamline, David Hudson spends time building a rocket that will one day take him to Mars, where he will build his dream cottage and spend the rest of his days. Once soil samples have been tested Hudson hopes to create a sustainable garden on the surface of Mars. Have no fear students and faculty, NASA will soon have a shuttle service allowing you to visit Hudson and his cottage.
Bishop outbreak (continued from front) A team of heroic volunteers wearing hazmat suits successfully took Bishop Hamline to quarantine off campus in a makeshift isolation room made out of an abandoned shipping container along Energy Park Drive. “Our goal was to take Bishop Hamline to a safe space where he could be isolated from the public, and also be able to have some privacy,” one volunteer said. “We used over two gallons of
sanitizers and sterilizers to ensure that a proper disinfection of any germs on the surface of Bishop Hamlines clothes were gone for good.” Bishop Hamline is expected to make a safe return to campus in the coming weeks, he was last noted to be resting happily in isolation. When asked for his personal input on this matter, Bishop Hamline was speechless.
PHOTO | NOTORIOUS CQ, RHETORACLE Bishop Hamline was relocated to the shipping yard where he was able to isolate peacefully without posing a further threat to campus.
The Rhetoracle | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2021
Is that a skunk? After Hamline Public Safety busts Drew Hall Resident for possession of marijuana, students rally and protest the university controlled substance rules. Gossip Girl News Reporter xoxo@blogspot.com In late february on a Tuesday afternoon, residents in Drew Hall began smelling what seemed to be a loose skunk throughout the hall. However, once residents began thinking critically about the source of the smell, they realized it was not a skunk, but in fact marijuana. RAs were prompted to send out floor messages reminding students of the Hamline’s policies on drugs and controlled substances in an effort to keep the building from smelling like a teenage skate park on a Friday night. In the following week, it is reported that Residential Life and Public Safety identified the individual using the illicit drug in their room and will be subject to university sanctions. Many residents, marijuana users and sober students alike criticized the response of Hamline University. Marijuana is a federally classified schedule one drug. The classification groups the five-leafed plant in with other more dangerous and addictive substances like heroin, LSD and ecstasy. While the federal government and Hamline stand firm in their anti-marijuana regulation and rhetoric, it overlooks a large population of citizens in the United States and students at Hamline who use marijuana to help with chronic medical conditions. In Minnesota patients with chronic illnesses such as cancer, HIV/AIDS, seizures and terminal illnesses can apply for and receive a medicinal cannabis card. However, this notably doesn’t cover a wide range of students who utilize cannabis to control and cope with other serious medical conditions such as anxiety and depression. These aren’t the only barriers to getting legal marijuana, it is very difficult and expensive to even find a provider who will prescribe patients a medical cannabis card in the state.
News 5 Students have long criticized the university’s policies regarding drug use. “RAs are allowed to write you up and fine you up to $150 for just smelling marijuana around you or on your clothing. They don’t even need to have proof you were using it or have any on you. There is no just cause, it’s worse than living with my parents” said Jack Knauf, a first-year at Hamline. Following the incident, in February a group of students who use cannabis to cope with their anxiety and depression disorders got together with the Drew Hall Residential Housing Association and proposed a new exciting event series. “Pass the Roach” is a weekly Thursday night event for Drew Hall residents only, where residents can gather in the third-floor study lounge in the community and to partake in a smoke session. “Smokers and non-smokers can join, but because of COVID we ask that anyone smoking bring their own pipes or joints so we don’t all share one piece, and as soon as you take a hit you have to put your mask back on and we continue to stay socially distant,” said Nick O’Teen a junior at Hamline and one of the organizers of the event. “We wanted to create a space for students to participate in civil disobedience to protest these stringent policies, we plan to hot box the third-floor study lounge until Hamline revises its outdated and frankly racist policies against possession and use of marijuana.” O’Teen says the current policies of the university and laws within the United States unjustly target and punish people of color. According to a report from the American Civil Liberties Union published in 2020, “Black people are 3.6 times more likely than white people to be arrested for marijuana, despite similar usage rates.” O’Teen expects there to be repercussions from the university following the publishing of this story, and from the lingering smell of their Thursday night sessions, but they aren’t worried. “We are doing this out of a love for Hamline, and out of wanting to see important changes on our campus. We will probably get fines and have stuff confiscated but it will draw attention to the real issue on campus, the over policing of Black and brown bodies and the stigmatization against a drug that many of us use to help with serious mental health issues,” O’Teen said. One of the Drew residents who partook in the first of many hot box sessions last week shared, “Well I think it is important to stand up for the things you believe in, or in our case sit down and smoke for the things you believe in… Hey man, are my eyes red?” Liz Bien, a sophomore said, surrounded by the haze of smoke in the room. “Hey where’s my lighter? Oh god, has anyone seen my lighter?”
Interim provost seen as an ‘odd choice’ Students randomly selected for mandatory COVID-19 testing received an email that left many uneasy. Parker Lebowitz News Reporter plebowitz57@hamline.edu Recently it has been announced that Associate Provost Jyll Briant has stepped down from her position to return to her professorship at Mitchell Hamline Law School. Briant’s departure has left the office of provost completely unmanned after the termination of the former Provost Mohn Jatachek this last summer. In an effort to quell the tensions of not having a full time chief academic officer, President Mayneese Filler has appointed Empty Chair, a professor from the underwater basket weaving department, as the interim head. Professor Empty Chair has been Wa mainstay of Hamline University politics, but some view their appointment to the position as an odd choice. “I like Professor Chair, don’t get me wrong, but they seem really unfit for the job,” one student noted. “They are really good at listening, but their stoic demeanor is off putting at times, and they don’t really give good advice if any.” Another student noted that Empty Chair holds weird office hours, despite always being on PHOTO | CHICAGO BEAN, RHETORACLE campus. Look! It is interim Provost Empty Chair!
PHOTO | CHICAGO BEAN, RHETORACLE Look! It is interim Provost Empty Chair’s office! “Somehow, it seems like Professor Empty Chair is always in their office, but simultaneously in Anderson Center, or Klas or even the lounges in the dorms,” the student added. Faculty have chimed in about their confusion over the appointment of their colleague. One faculty member in particular felt that the appointment was highly inappropriate, “Am I the only one who is confused? They chose a literal chair.” When asked for a comment about their thoughts on their new position, Professor Empty Chair did not reply to any of our emails or phone calls. According to the Hamline University website, “the Provost serves as chief academic officer of the university, providing leadership through the establishment of academic priorities, support of existing and development of new academic programs, and supervision of the academic deans.” As the faculty council convenes to have their voices heard on who should be appointed to the provostship, only time will tell if Empty Chair will retain the position.
6 A&E
The Rhetoracle | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2021
Boosting nutrient intake and reducing waste Hamline administration conducted an independent review of Aramark and found numerous human rights violations. Thanks to the grassroots organizing of students and faculty, Hamline is now moving dining services into the landscaping department. Food Reporter Food Reporter freporter01@hamline.edu Hamline’s lawn is immaculate, but now it’s dinner. After divesting from Aramark, the administration looked at the budget and realized landscaping had enough infrastructure to provide dining services, and so the “Green Meal Deal” was born. By cutting the grass every day, Hamline generates 110 pounds of fresh clippings daily for smoothies, soups, salads, patties and even some desserts. Twigs, pebbles and mulch can easily be added to any dish for a little extra crunch. With the addition of squirrels and bugs, as well as acorns for our plant based friends, students have the protein they need for maximum productivity. A diluted pesticide acts as a calming after dinner beverage. Transportation is a major factor in how current
food systems contribute to climate change. By using what’s in our own backyard, Hamline will save 20,000 pounds of carbon each month. Taking the lead in our collective effort against environmental destruction starts with eating campus turf. To cater to the tastes of students, the new dining service had a group of students test out new menu items and provide their feedback. “I enjoy eating a leaf blower protein burger because it makes me feel like I’m living my authentic goblincore life,” one local internet-addicted student said. “Hamline’s new menu is viral on Tik-Tok.” “Manure is the forbidden pudding. Our generation craves going outside the normative food labels that our capitalistic society has constructed. Large corporations have sold this myth of “poison” and “inedible”,” another Hamline intellectual said. “Our ancestors, the ground sloths, have eaten dirt on North American soil for centuries before us. Gen Z’s tide pod protest was just the beginning. We’re revolutionizing what sustainable food systems can look like.” President Filler made a statement indicating the urgency of divesting from Aramark at all costs. She made it clear that the economic benefits Aramark incurs from prison labor is a vestige of America’s history of slavery. The new menu will make your mouth water. As soon as you start gnawing on the pebble polenta, you’ll feel your molars gently lift off your gums. The mix of the savory dish with your tangy blood and spittle is just delightful. The twig tortilla chips make a great replacement for teeth.
PHOTOS | DJ FUNSIZE, RHETORACLE TOP: Ever wonder why the Hamline groundskeepers mow the lawn three times a week? Hamline has recently introduced the “Green Meal Deal,” allowing for the utilization of lawn waste to provide healthier food options to students and faculty. BOTTOM: With the “Green Meal Deal” plan, students and faculty are offered lawn clipping smoothies, which are high in nutrients and antioxidants and pair perfectly with a new protein-filled leaf blower burger.
A&E 7
The Rhetoracle | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2021
Bush library’s “shush room” scandal Prohibition ignited the rising of speakeasies, COVID-19 has dawned the creation of nightclubs in library basements.
The Oracle
Instagram: @hamlineoracle
The Oracle
Eau De Nil Noctis A&E reporter enoctis01@hamline.edu It has been an entire year full of uncertainty, stress and just straight up annoyance as the hours of the day tick by. In a short time, the world was expected to mask up and stay back from one another. That should be easy enough if you have already had enough of humanity or just respected the health and well being of others, but for a disturbing amount of people, this is not the case. Those that would choose to rebel against the CDC have popped up in various forms, the most known ones being the “anti-maskers.” They have been showcased all over social media protesting the world’s most basic representation of compassion. “It just doesn’t seem necessary,” Sophomore Gertrude Milliam said. “I mean, coronavirus is probably fake anyway.” There is an abundance of cases like this. People from all over the country find masks unimportant or they simply choose to believe that COVID-19 is nothing more than a rumor, despite the spike in hospitalization and death tolls. During the time of quarantine, many people used the time to work on themselves or take many well needed selfcare days, even with the streets overflowing with mask protesters. Taking the time to step back and reflect has helped many people during this time and new creative ways to get together have risen up to the challenge of a pandemic era. However, now that time has passed, it seems more and more people are finding the current restrictions to be less important than they were last year. It started with people standing right behind others in check out lines to friendly get togethers and outings and has now been the direct result of a secret nightclub within Hamline’s own Bush Library. At first, the only things noticeable were the escaping beats of a strong bass against the floors resonating from the basement below, then students (and some staff members) began disappearing at odd hours of the day after entering the pristine building to “study.” It soon grew into much more and could no longer go unnoticed. After many reports from concerned staff and students, officials decided to investigate and discovered Bush Library’s very own nightclub that had been dubbed “The Shush Room”. It had been determined that The Shush Room had been in operation since November, holding discreet gettogethers with what started as a small
STUDENT PUBLICATIONS
Instagram: @hamlineoracle
The Oracle
Instagram: @hamlineoracle
The Oracle
Instagram: @hamlineoracle
PHOTO | DJ FUNSIZE, RHETORACLE To curate the vibes in the new basement nightclub in Bush Library, Oracle photographer and Minneapolis artist DJ FunSize was hired to redefine the purpose of a library. group of students that ended up drawing the attention of various others around campus. The entire basement had installed speakers, fluorescent lights and even a DJ station. When questioned about their participation in the scandal, which obviously broke Hamline’s code of conduct as well as the rules put in place for health safety during this time, students felt they had done nothing particularly wrong. “It was the only way to get away, you know?” Senior Mishka Odvo said. This operation had been so secretive that to enter one had to know the phrased password “I shall pass, I shall pass, coronavirus will not pass.” Those involved said they began by passing the news and information along to friends who then spread it to more friends before some staff members had decided to get involved. “I thought that when professors had learned about it we’d be shut down for sure,” Junior Tomas Vyitt said. “But they actually liked the place just as much as we did and even helped fix it up.” Hamline has yet to release a statement on how they will be taking action or if the nightclub will actually be shut down. Students who had participated have received various forms of reprimand while there is still no word over how Hamline plans to deal with the staff members involved.
STAFF COMPLAINT OF THE WEEK COMPLAINT: Why isn’t BLM a bush? Kombucha Crayons Resident Bubble Blower
“I’m upset that the Bush Memorial Library isn’t actually a bush. I thought Hamline was making a push to go green. I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.”
ILLUSTRATION | SHAPES, RHETORACLE
8 A&E
The Rhetoracle | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2021
My pigeon ate my homework Sorry I didn’t receive your letter, my pigeon went south for the winter. Nedyah Seyah A&E Reporter nseyah01@hamline.edu Extra, extra read all about it! The mailroom is going stone age. In a last effort to push for complete social distancing, PiperXpress has decided to cease all in-person contact when it comes to mail pickup and receiving. The Hamline mail officials will soon begin using pigeons as their main mode of transportation when it comes to incoming and outgoing letters, magazines and packages (specialized pigeons will be used for this one, to ensure your packages arrive safely). “We are in a time of uncertainty, and in a time of uncertainty, uncertain decisions must be made,” leader of the initiative George P. Hamline, a direct descendant of the Hamline Bishop, said. “I know this is a rather unusual way of doing things, but my wife and I switched to the pigeon system six years ago and I don’t regret it for a minute.” Starting at the beginning of fall 2021, every Hamline student (and faculty if they choose), will be assigned their own personal messaging pigeon. The students will attend a seminar on how to properly care for and train their pigeons, along with a retreat to help each and every student bond with their special pigeon friend. “My school switched to pigeoning about four
months ago,” Junior Fooli Smith said “I was nervous, obviously, I mean it’s a literal animal. But after the seminar and the retreat, I really bonded with my pigeon, Petunia. Her chirps are honestly so soothing at night. I was able to request a specialized pigeon, so she can carry up to 20 pounds of mail and packages. With all the care packages my mom sends me, I needed a pigeon with big guns and a lot of heart.” Though unorthodox, pigeon messaging or “pigeoning,” has been proven less likely to spread bacterial infection than traditional mail, as noted by an esteemed epidemiologist, Mike Kawoski. “What can I say? Pigeons are in, paper is out, that’s that,” Kawoski said. The new delivery system comes with a multitude of pigeons to choose from. Green, blue, pink, chartreuse—whatever color your heart desires will be available. Let us not forget the outfit choices as well. Want a gangster pigeon, equipped with a chain and some fresh jordans? Or a cottage core pigeon dressed in floral? The possibilities are endless! There is hope to bring the pigeoning into the classroom as well. It would no longer be necessary to go up to the professor to turn in an essay or a weekly assignment, simply have your pigeon do it. Maintain social distancing and maintain good grades. Pigeoning is the obvious next step when it comes to handling COVID-19 safety. As the pandemic’s grip on society grows deeper, it is pleasant to see a new and effective means of mailing popping up within school systems. Who needs Gmail anymore? Hopefully, these new pigeon allies can prove themselves useful year round… waaaait do pigeons migrate?!
ILLUSTRATION | KALAMATA OLIVE, RHETORACLE
GRAPHIC | KALAMATA OLIVE, RHETORACLE
The Rhetoracle | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2021
Classifieds: country correspondence
Venerable, quaint university with charm, Starbucks and well maintained lawns seeking provost. Must further our diversity initiative and be able to manage my financial slump. Serious inquiries only, please (I’ve gotten my hopes up before). If interested, send photo addressed to “Hamline.”
Piperline has been dying for many years and recently passed away. It is survived by its successor Workday and 3,241 befuddled students. There will be no funeral.
It is with great sadness that Hamline students announce the death of Subway, community member, now dearly departed. The bereaved family requests that you think fondly of the deceased whenever you bite into a soggy sandwich with stale vegetables and too much mayo.
FOR SALE Gucci handbags to pay for catalytic converter replacement. $2,300/ each. Send inquiries to Mayneese Filler.
Prince Harry Sophomore
HELP WANTED WEDDINGS Armie Hammer and Aramark Food Services will become Mr. and Mrs. on April 1, 2021. The wedding will be performed in front of their remaining friends and family at Hammer’s former home in Los Angeles before he flees the country on accusations of an anthropophagous nature.
Speakout What do you like about Hamline?
OBITUARIES PERSONALS ADS
Opinion 9
Sympathies extended to the owners of any cars that perished during the car theft epidemic of January 2021. You will meet again in another life, maybe.
After an extended illness, Liberal Arts has passed away. She graduated from many universities and received many degrees. Her long and rich life spanned over six centuries. She is survived by millions of unemployed grandchildren, and preceded in death by her beloved children, Religion Department and German Studies.
Full-time workers needed to assist with dormitory surveillance. Busybodies encouraged to apply, especially those with experience in weed sniffing and Orwellian theory.
There is a lot that I really like about Hamline. If I had to pick a favorite, I would say I love that Hamline reflects the same values as my family, such as not being racist.
Student newspaper searching for a necromancer to resurrect esteemed colleague, Oxford Comma. Parker Lebowitz and other serial comma haters need not apply.
Bridgeman Hall Senior I really love the buildings. Particularly, I admire how accessible this campus is. Any space on campus can be for anybody!
We don’t want to hear from you. Letters must be delivered by pigeon in the middle of the night through the window in our office. You must include your full name, date of birth, social security number, mother’s maiden name and name of your childhood pet. We do not edit letters to the editor because we do not want to. We reserve the right to withhold publication of letters, and we probably will. The content in the Opinion section is really good and might reflect the opinions of the staff. Or, it might not. E-mail submissions to: oracle@hamline.edu With questions, contact: Drew Science 106
The Piper Junior I love attending all the sporting events. I am a dedicated fan who has never missed a football game. Hamline is just so good!
10 Opinion
The Rhetoracle | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2021
Poltergeists: Friends or Foes?
Arthur Knotfound Guest Columnist aknotfound@hamline.edu
Ghosts are in my Dormitory! What should I do about this? H AMLINE U NIVERSITY IS the oldest university in Minnesota, coming to the state in 1854. A university as old as Hamline is bound to have a few skeletons in its closet or in this case, a few ghosts in its dormitories. Most upperclassmen know the stories of the hand in Drew Hall or of Manor being a repurposed hospital, still haunted by its old patients. While the existence of these poltergeists is common knowledge, what to do when encountering them is a whole other story. While living on campus, I’ve found that the best way to deal with these supernatural guests is to be welcoming of them as you would any other person. The first ghost I encountered was named Banquo and was initially
seen in Manor Main. I (like anyone else would) screamed and ran out of the building to call my mom when I first saw him, but after a few more encounters I discovered that Banquo was a normal guy. Getting to know him made me realize that the Hamline student body has a tendency to mistreat our ghostly friends by not knowing how to communicate with them. So what can you do? First, stay calm if you encounter a poltergeist. They know when you’re scared and it hurts their feelings. Second, make small talk. Communication with the dead
First, stay calm if you encounter a poltergeist. They know when you’re scared and it hurts their feelings. can be tricky since you can’t use conventional means to hear what they’re saying in return. I’ve found that using a steamer on a mirror, window or any glass surface and waiting for writing to appear is one of the most effective methods of communication, however, simply calling out into a dark room will work too (but less consistently). Once you’ve made contact with the ghost,
be sure to welcome them like anyone else. They are people too so put away the salt and incense, it’s rude. One way to make a ghost feel welcome is to offer them things. It could be anything from a chair, a bowl of ramen or a piece of paper with a smiley face on it. Most ghosts will appreciate the thought behind the object. Another method would be to open your window and sing sea shanties. The sea shanties act as a lullaby to the spirits, no matter what level of skill you may have at singing. The most important part is to make sure you’re singing the shanty loud enough for your neighbors to appreciate, then the ghost will know you’re serious about your intent to welcome them. Befriending the ghosts haunting your dormitory has several benefits! In Drew Hall, when you complete a difficult assignment or do well on an exam, you can expect a spiritual pat on the back, or high five. The hand may not be good at communicating verbally, but loves making a haunting appearance to give you a thumbs up as if to say, “Hey, you’re doing great.” In Manor Hall, you may find that on hot nights you suddenly get a case of the chills. This would either be Banquo or one of the other many spirits wandering around Manor trying to do you a favor and cool you down! I feel that poltergeists are nothing to be afraid of, and jumping to conclusions out of fear is uncalled for. Care for your ghostly dormmates, and they’ll look out for you too!
The Rhetoracle’s Fortune Caprisun is rising, so make sure to mentally prepare for whatever chaos that brings along with it. It seeks a sacrifice of 11 toothpicks from all. Caprisun in rising will require you to need more water at all times. Aries - Mars (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19) Hot singles are in your area! Call me ;) (888) 447-5594 Taurus - Calf (Apr. 20 – May 20) Avoid birds at all costs, they work for the bourgeoisie. Gemini - Gemstone (May 21 – Jun. 20) Seeing double? You might be seeing twins near you. Run. Run far away. Cancer - Brachyura (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22) Help will come in the least expected form: a glass of water. Leo - Tolstoy (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22) You should befriend a fervent Christian anarchist and pacifist. Virgo - Nympho (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22) You know your fate. Libra - Library (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22) If you find your doppelganger, chase a Gemini with your new friend. It’ll be fun! Scorpio - Scapula (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) Stop that. I see what you’re doing and I don’t like it. Sagittarius - Stegosaurus (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) The time has come for your dreams to come true! On April 31 you’ll have everything you’ve ever wished for. Capricorn - Cornucopia (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) Your soulmate is probably in the same room as you, make sure to look around for them! If you are alone while reading this you might be #foreveralone. Aquarius - Aquarium (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18) Self-loathing is tiring, take a break! You deserve it! Take a nap wherever you are right now, Anderson, the library, in a virtual class, it’s fine, we’re fine, you’re fine. Pisces - Walleye (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20) Some of you don’t exist, you know who you are.
ILLUSTRATION | SHAPES, RHETORICAL
Sports 11
The Rhetoracle | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2021
Athlete diets: they are not for everyone To what extremes do the Hamline athletes go to stay sharp and fueled for their competitions? Caeser Salad Sports Editor csalad69@scamline.edu
PHOTOS | COURTESY OF HAMLINE ATHLETICS TOP LEFT: The men’s tennis team is trying a new intense juice cleanse to encourage team bonding. TOP RIGHT: Track and field constantly needs carbs. MIDDLE: Women’s lacrosse has no time for solid meals, and consumes only smoothies. BOTTOM: Men’s hockey relies on BANG energy drinks. Most on-campus students are familiar with the groups of piper athletes, sorted by sport, sitting in their seemingly assigned sections of the dining hall. They know who is going to be where, the noise level they will bring and whether or not to engage with the team when everyone is present. What the student body is less privy to, however, are the eating habits of these athletes and how they fuel up for their sports. Just as each team trains differently, each team has unique diets to support their endeavors. One of the bigger sports on campus, track and field, is notorious for their carbo-loading meals that consist solely of bread. All bread in all forms all day to get the bread on the field. And it has paid off! Four piper athletes were recently recognized on the USTFCCCA Indoor All-Region list. Similarly, many track athletes also compete on the cross country team. However, those athletes that only run for miles and miles need no other nourishment than an occasional bite of a leaf from the trees they run past. Besides that, these athletes run on something deep inside, and external stimuli are unnecessary to their success. For other sports, more meals of substance are required. Women’s lacrosse is one of these teams that need nutrition, but they simply don’t have the time. You can find these Pipers running past cradling
a green protein smoothie as they juke you on their way to practice or class. Never ask to try a sip unless you have a chaser on hand. Football always makes time to eat. While they can often be seen with multiple plates from the dining hall and returning a few times to replenish their supply, football has difficulties fully satisfying their appetites. The only way to truly feed football players is to supply them with human veal, though this is widely considered unethical and is illegal in most countries including the U.S. Men’s soccer is often spotted trading their meal times in favor of taking acting classes through Hamline’s theatre program. This speaks to both departments. Women’s soccer players live by the motto “you are what you eat” and only consume pop rocks. The softball and baseball teams are decidedly built different, surviving on only the barest of necessities. Softball gets all the power and support they need from McDonald’s shamrock shakes. These players only feed in the month of March and are set for the
rest of the year. Baseball eats mostly the sand from their diamond and supplements this with raw eggs if necessary. Women’s tennis is not known for their unique dietary restrictions as they simply do not eat. Men’s tennis is working to get on this level and are currently attempting a whole-team juice cleanse. Both hockey teams often dine separately out of disgust towards one another, though their diets are quite compatible. The men’s team prefers BANG energy drinks and the women’s team prefers to BANG their opponents in quite a few methods by way of satisfaction. The two basketball teams shape their diets around supporting the chain corporations in the surrounding area, namely Chick-Fil-A, Starbucks and endless amounts of Gatorade. While all of these eating habits have been approved and cleared by expert nutritionists as well as TikTok-ers around the world, it is not advised that non-athletes attempt any of these extreme diets. Stick to getting the same hamburger from the dining hall twice a day.
12 Sports
The Rhetoracle | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2021
Hamline’s public menace
The Public “Safety” department’s bike patrol has all but gone rogue in the past few weeks. What’s going on behind the handlebars? Caeser Salad Sports Editor csalad69@scamline.edu
The last thing anyone expected from Hamline’s Public Safety was their endangerment of the students, but an intense internal rivalry is proving to be a cause for alarm to many on campus. “It was terrifying. This guy was biking right towards me, and he wasn’t slowing down even after I waved at him,” senior Big Dipper said. “I had to barrel roll onto the grass in front of Old Main to get out of his way. I landed on my back, ninja style, and watched him race across campus towards Klas.” Dipper had no idea what was going on when he almost got run over, but it was clear to him that the Public “Safety” patrol couldn’t care less about his safety. Thanks to his peers who rushed to his aid, Dipper is now safe and was taken to the Health and Counseling building where he received a Dora bandaid and a lollipop. However, incidents like Dipper’s are not isolated nor are they uncommon. More and more students are visiting Health and Counseling with similar traumatic
experiences. “I swear one of them had a baton and was waving it around, like in those old cop movies,” first-year Little Dipper said. This is yet to be corroborated by Hamline’s Public Safety’s bike patrol. Weapons on campus would be indicative of a much more serious issue than a few wild racing biking buddies. While the bike patrol has been seen as docile and kind since the beginning of the school year, gears seem to be shifting. Much as there are two sides to every story, it has become apparent that there are two sides to the bike patrol. One group is often seen with purple glittery ribbons on their handlebars, and the majority of those without the ribbons wear bright yellow face masks and gloves, no matter the weather. This dramatic and sudden change from the normal black jackets and plain bikes is hard to ignore. “The differing apparel choices are a classic indication of rival groups. I might even go so far as to label them as ‘gangs,’” an unnamed FBI informant said. “This kind of situation can escalate at unprecedented rates without intervention.” The FBI is not offering any support for students at the time and asks for privacy as they conduct their investigation. They will be setting up their base in the Red Room on the third floor of the Anderson building, and have requested that they not be disturbed. Please avoid knocking. In trying to get an interview from one of the
apparent gang members, our reporter was given a citation for not walking on the right side of the sidewalk and has not been seen by anyone since their conduct meeting. Please keep an eye out for our reporter, and tell them we love them and want them to come home. Inform their kidnappers that this reporter has a family to appeal to their humanity. The formation of these rival gangs may have come to the Hamline campus suddenly, but any true biker knows the exact cause of this tension. The latest Andretti model bike was recalled after complaints about the gear shift sticking, causing an inability for the user to shift down and speed up with ease when necessary. This is not a new problem for the Andretti family. However, the recalled bike was lost in the shadows of the newest Penske model. The Penske model was identical to the recalled Andretti bike, boasting all the same features but without the faulty gear shifts. This was the final straw for Andretti fans, who have hated the Penske company for generations. The Public “Safety” biker gangs are simply the tide of the Andretti-Penske war washing up on the shores of Hamline. Stay safe by not siding with either company or else be prepared to defend yourself. Even when Public “Safety” is the primary danger on campus, students should remain calm and smart. Hug your loved ones, stay on the grass out of the paths of bikes and don’t go in the Red Room in Anderson.
ILLUSTRATION | SHAPES, RHETORACLE
Variety 13
The Rhetoracle | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2021
The real reason tuition was raised An insider reveals the secrets behind why Hamline has raised tuition once again. Meap Flynn Fletcher Variety Reporter meap@hotmail.com Hamline told students that they raised tuition for the 2021-22 academic year. These reasons were that they essentially needed to “generate enough revenue to maintain their high academic standards” and had to purchase special technology and equipment due to COVID-19. However, recently an insider (who will remain anonymous) revealed that Hamline raised tuition during the pandemic for an entirely different reason. According to this insider, Hamline is secretly building a machine called a “moon-travel inator.” “I had an idea for a new machine, and I mentioned it in an important meeting with Hamline executives. They asked me a lot of questions about it, and that’s how it started. With this
machine, people can be sent to the moon in minutes,” the insider said. Hamline has been keeping its plans quiet. Because the class of 2025 is one of the smallest classes Hamline has seen in a while, they plan to travel to the moon and recruit aliens. “Executives were concerned about how small the incoming class size was. I didn’t expect them to want to build my machine. They usually never take an interest in my projects because they have a problem with my selfdestruct buttons and previously failed machines. But anyway, they took my blueprint for it and built it themselves without the button,” the insider said. The insider claims that he never pitched the whole recruiting aliens idea to Hamline. The moon-travel inator’s purpose was for personal reasons. The insider thinks that Hamline took advantage of him. “Backstory. When I was a child, I was forced to be outside as a lawn gnome, long story. At night my only companion was the moon and my neighbor Kenny. I came up with the moon-travel inator to go to the moon myself. After I found out they took my blueprint, they fired
me and refused to stop building my machine,” the insider said. The insider says the parts needed to build the “moon travel inator” and everything else required for space travel will cost Hamline a fortune, which is why they raised tuition. They have recently started building and plan to have the machine entirely built by this fall. “I knew that the moon-travel inator would be costly, but I have alimony I saved up over the years to fund it. I can build my inators because of the alimony. This particular project I knew would be the most expensive, and I knew had to save up for years to make it a reality,” the insider said. The insider said when it comes to stopping Hamline from building the machine, his hands are tied. “I used to have a platypus ruin all my plans, but now Hamline has really done it. I can’t even build the moon-travel inator myself because I don’t have the blueprint anymore. I can’t stop them either because now I am banned from the campus. But who knows, maybe Hamline will not succeed in bringing aliens to be students here. But maybe
they will,” the insider said. Hamline has had to lay off and furlough much of its staff this year. They also did this for more money toward the building of the moon-travel inator. “Hamline could have easily kept all its staff. They have enough money for that. They wanted to get rid of some staff to use the money for the new machine, not because of COVID. I don’t think that was right. Just because I’m evil doesn’t mean everything I do is evil,” the insider said. The reality is this: Hamline raised tuition again because they need to build a machine to go to the moon. They are in desperate need of students to the point that they feel the need to recruit alien students. To do that, they need to build a crazy machine to get them to space, which will require more money. They have chosen to take more money from students by raising tuition. This whole time, Hamline has lied about the reason for the tuition raise.
ILLUSTRATION | SIR GALLAHAD, RHETORACLE
14 Variety
The Rhetoracle | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2021
It’s my cubicle, I’ll cry if I want to Noise complaints lead to Bush Memorial Library outsourcing cubicles to contain students’ tears. Oscar Mayer Variety Reporter wiener@yahoo.com To the untrained eye, the verdant and oft unused lawn in front of Old Main will look more like an office next week. In fact, it will appear that way to the trained eye as well, since two dozen cubicles will appear as part of Hamline’s newest mental health initiative. As an alternative to spring break, Bush Memorial Library is rolling out a new plan to help students cope with the weeks surrounding midterms. “We’ll be installing temporary cubicles on the lawn for students that need a place to cry,” Libra Rian, spokeswoman for Bush Memorial Library, said. The decision comes after a week of disturbances at the library, when Public Safety began issuing noise complaints to students crying in Bush. “Generally, it was pretty easy to ignore the students crying on the third floor, since my desk is here on the main floor,” Rian said. “Regrettably, it did become an issue when Public Safety began making a general fuss that was louder than the actual crying.” Swollen-eyed Hamline students were rather apathetic about the announcement, but a decision about the library’s collaborator on the plan
sparked plenty of contention. “Airabark Construction Services will be constructing and installing the cubicles for us, because frankly, it’s a lot easier to outsource jobs to large companies than looking in the community for local businesses,” Rian added. “We recognize that Airabark has a history of partnering with private prisons to construct jail cells, but Airabark has given Hamline some good deals in the past, so we kind of feel indebted to them.” The decision to outsource was met with hostility from those of the student body who were awake enough to notice. Etta Tharich, first -year and founder of Students Against Large Corporations (SALC), is upset about the initiative. “I am 110% most upset about the decision to outsource the cubicles from Airabark, but I’m also like super upset about the decisions that led to this point.” It’s worth noting that, at this point in the interview, Tharich began to cry. “Sorry. I’m just really overworked and stressed and it’s just a lot and —-” Although the interview was never completed, as Tharich ran off in the direction of the library (presumably to cry), many other students share Tharich’s views. “I feel so strongly about this that I was planning to create a petition,” junior Susie Bee-Thony said. “However, I just didn’t have time, as I’ve been working on midterms until now.” Although Rian noted students’ opinions and general outrage, her
PHOTO | SIR GALLAHAD, RHETORACLE response was simple: “I really don’t care.” The library and Airabark collaboration will proceed as planned,
unless any campus visits get scheduled for this weekend, in which case, Rian doesn’t “want students crying in the cubicles to be an ‘earsore.’”
Subway surfing out of Klas Center Some of the options for replacing Subway in the Klas Cafe may be surprising for students. Sir Gallahad Variety Reporter europeanswallow@stthomas.edu For years, Hamline students have been making the trek to the far end of campus to enjoy a fresh sandwich from Subway in Klas Center. The 202021 academic year has unfortunately brought this to an end. While the loss of Subway may sit heavily in the hearts of many, there are fortunately several options being considered for replacement. One of the top contenders is Applebee’s. One of America’s largest chain restaurants, the Applebee’s in Klas would have a full kitchen and a full bar. Some students may find the prospect of a sit down restaurant in the middle of Klas odd, but the administration is
confident that it will be a success. “Those half price apps after 9 p.m. really hit different,” one administrator said. Students have also expressed excitement about this potential option. “I can’t wait to get wasted using my DB,” Senior Monte Pithon said. Another option floating around is completely unique to the Hamline community: President Mayneese Filler’s own home cooking. Since any student living on campus is forced to eat not-so-delicious food provided by Aramark on a daily basis, many students are excited about the potential of experiencing a taste of how President Filler lives. “I think it is an amazing idea,” sophomore Patsy Coconuts said. “She must be able to buy the most expensive meats and spices.” Hamline’s other hotspot for food, Starbucks, is not excited about all of the possible Subway replacements. Administration has reportedly been in contact about contracting Caribou to occupy the space in Klas Center.
PHOTO | COURTESY OF ? STOCK PHOTO? The Starbucks versus Caribou debate is an ancient one, and the opinions on Caribou coming to campus have been polarizing. “Caribou coffee is straight sugar. I would much rather have President Filler’s food as an option than that sh—,” Professor of espresso studies Ni Knight said. There have also been many positive reactions to Caribou moving in. “I’m just glad I can say normal words like medium and large instead of
grande and venti,” first year Zoot Duck said. Regardless of whether Klas Cafe welcomes a national chain or home cooked meals, students have a lot of great potential options. “Whatever happens, I just hope there are more vegetarian options,” junior Arthur King said. “I’m really sick of broccoli and brussel sprouts being passed off as a full meal.”
Variety 15
The Rhetoracle | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2021
Hamline’s guest policy tears lovers apart Love is the only thing keeping many students going this semester, especially without a spring break. Yet, Public Safety and the guest policy continue to suck the hope out of students. Nacho Shizz Variety Reporter thebigcheese@hamline.edu When walking through the halls, many students reported hearing sad love songs, such as Drivers License, and the cries of students coming from their dorms. It has been so bad that many students have trouble falling asleep. Right when their eyes shut, a heartbreaking moan echoes throughout the building. The cause — star crossed lovers forced to separate because they live in different dorm buildings. Ha m l i n e Un i ve r s i t y ’s g u e s t policy states that “guests will not be permitted in the residence halls” and that “a guest is defined as any person who is not assigned by residence life to live in a particular room, suite or apartment.”And tragically, these lovebirds live across campus, one in Drew and the other in Schilling. After some hesitation, and between sniffles, they agreed to a joint interview, although they wished to remain anonymous because of the looming fear of Public Safety. For anonymity purposes, they agreed to go by the initial of their first names, C and W. The distance has been hard on this modern day Romeo and Juliet couple. They have certainly seen their mental health decline. “How can I go on without the only thing keeping me going?” C said. “All I want is to spend time with my boyfriend and I don’t understand why it matters which hall we live in.” “I didn’t know that I would meet the love of my life, and the person that completes me when I moved in,” W said. “Now, I can’t even hold her or cuddle… like what will I do without cuddles and stuff?” The emotion filled the room when speaking with this couple. The sexual tension was apparent, as well as their heartache. A student that lives on the same floor as C gave their input as well, however they also wished to remain anonymous because of C’s heartache filled rage that they often witness late at night. “Honestly, it’s so annoying to hear the cries every night,” he said. “Like I totally get they are in love or whatever, but get over it and just go to the Anderson center to meet up or something.”
EDIT | KIMBERLY KARDASHIAN (NOT WEST), RHETORACLE “You know that one old vine with the tween couple that is like making out in public and the guy turns and is like ‘is this allowed??,’ well that’s what it feels like everyday of my freaking life on campus now. They literally make out everywhere. I see their tongues thrashing all over and honestly I can’t hold down my food most days,” the anonymous neighbor said. When reaching out to Public Safety for comment on the guest policy, they declined because they had a busy day of walking loops around campus and drooling over the camera monitors. However, C and W both feel that the
guest policy is unfair. “I see people breaking the rules all the time, yet no action is taken against them.” C said. “We have tried to sneak into each others dorm, but we always hear the stupid, dreadful knock and Public Safety busts us.” “Yep, one time there was literally a girl passed out in the hall, and Public Safety stepped right over her just to write us up,” W said. It is clear that C and W feel as though Public Safety is targeting them specifically, perhaps because their love is just too powerful. “They hate our love and are just
trying to ruin our lives,” C said. “When love is this strong and this true, everyone is going to try to tear you down. We won’t let it tear us apart,” W said. “They’re just jealous.” Although C and W commented that their love is untestable, at the time of publication, they have separated stating that they found easier love options in their own residence halls.
16 Variety
The Rhetoracle | WEDNESDAY, MARCH 31, 2021
Hamline student expelled for eating on campus Student faces repercussions for violating COVID-19 shift plan. Joan of Arc Variety Reporter baddie365@aol.com Last Tuesday, third year student Imm Hungary, was expelled from Hamline after being caught eating in the Giddens/Alumni Center. “The building was completely empty. I was famished after working a double shift to pay for you know —- living. GLC is my favorite place to study because it’s always so desolate. I
had two Mott’s fruit snacks,” said Imm Hungary. According to the “Dining Operations Network Team Eradicating All Transmission” (DONTEAT), Hungary had violated phase two of the COVID-19 Shift Plan which requires all eating and drinking be done only in the Anderson Center’s dining hall or privately in the residence hall dorms. “My office is located in room BML 23, that’s those scary corridors in the basement of the library. One time, my partner visited me with our newborn child. The baby started crying and my partner started to feed the baby in my office. I had to give them a citation for violating protocol,” said DONTEAT officer, Cal Meastoic. One student eating in the dining
hall openly expressed their view on Imm Hungary’s expulsion. “If you don’t follow the rules, you pay the consequences. That’s something that my parents tell me every weekend when we go to our family dinners at the local pub,” said first-year student, Peter Pann. Rule Breaka, a senior pre-med student, was not in support of Hungary’s expulsion. “My roommate goes to their partner’s house every night to do who knows what but I’m certain bodily fluids are shared. Let the poor kid eat in the empty building!” said Breaka. Administration was unavailable for an interview, as they were all on an extended spring break. However, they emailed the student body the following
statement: “Good evening, it has been brought to the administration’s attention that students are eating in buildings other than the Anderson dining hall or privately in dorm rooms. To ensure your safety, the dining hall will only be available to go and fifteen DONTEAT officers will be hired by the end of this month to ensure there are no more violations of this sort. Thank you for your cooperation.” Students still remain hopeful for the day they are free to eat on campus wherever they please.
WORD SEARCH | SIR GALLAHAD, RHETORACLE