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SUNDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2018 • 3C
lifestyles
Learning about dignified name-calling There are many times that I recall a friend, who years ago, was raising two high-energy, willful sons on her own. The boys were two years apart in age, so at 10 and 12, they were fighting and arguing nonstop. My friend Debra was a highly accomplished executive in a business dominated by men. Still, she was able to maintain an admirable balance between tough and feminine. She dressed beautifully, had exceedingly courteous manners but also possessed a backbone of steel when required. Normally, she won her battles with wit and charm, but if a stronger conversation was needed, she was wellprepared.
then sat them down on the sofa for a talking-to. Of course, she began by explaining how important blood was and how they should be each other’s protectors, not enemies. That fell on deaf ears. Seeing that her reasonRonda ing was not working, she Rich folded together her perfectly manicured hands — she As Debra told it later, loved wearing Revlon’s she walked into the family Cherries in the Snow — room and found the two and said quite practically, boys scuffling and name“Okay, if you’re going to calling. fight and name-call, there “You pig!” screamed the are going to be rules. You youngest boy. will not use common, ugly “You’re stupid!” retorted slang names to call your the other. brother. You will each go She was a small woman to the dictionary and find of 5-foot-2, but the boys an educated, sophisticated had not yet outgrown her. word that describes the She grabbed both by the behavior.” collars, pulled them apart She got up, walked to
the bookcase, pulled out a Webster’s and announced, “From this moment on, this is your weapon of battle.” The boys listened. They made a list of words that each felt described the other in preparation for the next round. A couple of hours later, they were back at it. Debra listened in from the other room. “You pig!” screamed the youngest. The oldest drew himself up proudly then calmly responded, “You’re a recalcitrant pig!” Debra sighed humorously and thought, “It’s a start.” Let us all take a lesson from Debra and her boys. Words of disagreement are becoming increas-
ing ugly, and people call others degrading names on social media. Some famous people are the worst. They think that the platform given to them by the grace of God and fans allows them to use filthy language. Nothing could be further from the truth. Rather, they have a responsibility to lead, using grace and dignity. When I was growing up, I thought that “shut up” were cuss words and that a “fool” was the worst thing that anyone could be called because that’s what Daddy said the Bible said. Yet, society has created despicable words that are used too readily — crass and crude. Benjamin Disraeli, England’s great prime minister of the 19th Century, was once in a heated, lengthy war with another member of Parliament that had been stretching on for months. “You are a snake that crawls the ground on your belly,” stormed the Parliament member. Disraeli, a well-spoken
man, replied calmly, “And, you, sir, could walk under my belly, wearing a top hat.” Point made, brilliantly and gentlemanly. My New York agent, now in his seventh decade, is one of the courtliest men I’ve ever had the pleasure to know. He is elegant and eloquent. For 20 years, I have admired him greatly. He told me that as a young agent he did something in a business deal that was a little questionable. The other agent, an older man to whom many looked up, called my agent and was quite upset. He began the explanation of his upset with, “Sir, you are no gentleman!” “It stung,” my agent recalled. “And it taught me a lesson.” From these dignified folks, let’s take a lesson. Let’s not be recalcitrant. Or a pig. Ronda Rich is the bestselling author of “What Southern Women Know” trilogy. Visit www.rondarich.com to sign up for her free weekly newsletter.
Syndrome of just smiling, laughing Can you tell when someone’s sucking up to you? We’ve all been in situations where someone is obviously sucking up to the boss, yet the boss doesn’t see it. How could they be so oblivious to something so obvious? If you’ve ever been a boss yourself, you might have missed the forced laugh, or the eye roll behind the enthusiastic “Great idea!” It’s easy to forget how much power you have. People will smile and play along with a powerful person who treats them horribly when they feel like they don’t have other options. They’ll show deference to a person they disdain because they know it’s the only way to win. Two of my favorite movies — “The Shawshank Redemption” and “Cool Hand Luke” — provide masterful examples of smile and play along. In “The Shawshank Redemption,” Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins) is wrongly imprisoned. After trying to gain his freedom with facts, he’s cruelly pushed down. He realizes he can’t win against the oppressive warden. So he goes to work for the warden, he does his taxes, shines his shoes and carries a bible. He’s deferential, smiling, while secretly seething and plotting his escape. In the 1967 cult classic “Cool Hand Luke,” Paul Newman plays Luke, a rebel imprisoned in a southern work camp where he endures cruelty at the hands of the boss. He fights back, only to be reminded who’s really in charge. He fakes compliance, he does the boss man’s bidding, telling the warden he’s “Shakin’ it up boss,” to demonstrate his deference. In both movies, the powerless man does the smartest thing he can do in his situation: He stuffs his ego and pride down his throat, smiles and plays to the person in power. The wardens have no idea, think their smiles are genuine and that their deference is a sign of respect. When the audience is let in on the secret, we’re stunned at the self-control. The mental fortitude
Forget Perfect
Lisa McLeod it would take someone to hide their disdain is impressive. Can you imagine the acid-tasting, stomach-clenching burn of pretending to be OK, and smiling while someone in power treats you dismissively and downright cruelly? Actually, many of us don’t have to imagine it; we remember it, quite vividly. If you want to know what it felt like to be a woman at work, think about those two movies. I’m older now, and often, I’m the person in charge. No one beat me at work, but I haven’t forgotten what it felt like to smile and laugh while you were being belittled. Decades ago, I was an outside salesperson. As a young woman trying to be successful, I quickly realized, if you stand up to every customer who harasses you, you won’t have any customers. So you smile, laugh, try to fend it off politely, worry about their feelings more than your own and pretend you don’t feel sick. As a white professional woman, I can only imagine how much worse it is for women of color, or women working in a factory, or as hotel maids, or women who don’t speak English. The fact that the people treating you badly don’t have a clue how awful it is for you doesn’t make it better. It makes it worse, because it affirms your personhood is irrelevant. If you wonder why so many women are so deeply angry, this is why. Give us a bit to air the anger. We want to make things better, but we need a minute to vent. Lisa McLeod is the global expert in Noble Purpose. She is the author of the best-sellers “Selling with Noble Purpose” and “Leading with Noble Purpose.”