Your Horrorscope VIRGO (23 August-22 September)
Don’t let the fact that others snigger at you, hold you back in life. You are a proud virgin – half of the star signs ‘want’ you, the other half want to be you. Some of them ‘want’ you and want to be you. Use your perceived innocence to plot an underhand and vengeful approach to business, if you don’t already. Lucky item of office stationery: mirror. LIBRA (23 September-22 October)
with a rEmit to help those souls toiling in the live music industry, our neighbourhood guru, Pessa Mystic, studies the movement of the stars, planets and dark matter to provide you with completely arbitrary guidance for your future. ARIES (21 March-19 April)
As the high priest of the zodiac, it’s your mission to persuade the other 11 star signs that this bullshit is actually real. Tell them that Uranus is ascending so that if they don’t buy into it, at least they’ll have sympathy for you and might even buy you a special cushion. Lucky medication: Preparation H. TAURUS (20 April-May 20)
Taurus: the bull. One of the cooler signs that actually looks good as jewellery, so count yourself lucky that you’re not depicted by a set of scales or a virgin or a f***ing goat (see Capricorn). According to Google, Saturn is in retrograde, so best get to work on that project you’ve been putting off by reading IQ. Lucky swear word: shit. GEMINI (21 May-20 June)
Are you in two minds about something? Well that’s because you’re Gemini and therefore a split personality. It’s why so many people don’t trust or like you. Use it to your advantage by being clever in deals and stuff, like fellow Gemini, Donald Trump. Lucky colour: orange. Obviously. CANCER (21 June-22 July)
As the only star sign named after a tumour – you say you prefer to be alone because you’re introverted, but actually it’s because people tend to avoid you. But about one in three people will get you – and that used to be one in four, so that’s something positive. Embrace your inner anger and make all negotiations hell for the other party. Like you usually do. Lucky number: -1. LEO (23 July-23 August)
Surely the rock star of the zodiac – you’re a lion! You are in the same pride as Jennifer Lopez, Robert de Niro, Barack Obama, and my dad - all great humans (although only one of them has a fantastic bottom. Which sadly I didn’t inherit.) Expound this roll call of fellow predators at dinner parties to highlight how amazing you are compared to everyone else. Virgos even try to steal a day from you, but they just don’t have your majestic mane and arrogant swagger. Lucky snack: human.
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You, my friend, are supposed to be the most balanced star sign that we know. So start acting like it FFS. We don’t care how good/bad (delete as appropriate) a year you are having, your obsession with doing the best job you can is downright tedious. Spend more time and money on your Aries friends, because they’re worth it. Perhaps they’d like a new cushion? Try doing something for pleasure that doesn’t involve a spread-sheet. Lucky item: manila envelope. SCORPIO (23 October-21 November)
That sting in your tail gives you a killer instinct but for everyone’s sake do not act on it. Serial killers Charles Manson, Carl Eugene Watts and Belle Gunness were all Scorpios and were subsequently removed from ILMC’s invite list (although they can still come to the karaoke). We beg you not to follow in their footsteps – make your own path. Lucky death toll: 119. SAGITTARIUS (22 November-21 December)
Half man, half horse, you can legitimately shit in the street without fear of reprisal. But public indecency isn’t all you’re good at. Apparently, you’re also pretty adept with a bow, so consider giving up your current dead-end career to become an Olympic archer. Fellow Sagittarian Dai Xiaoxiang won a bronze for China in the London 2012 games, you know. Follow your dreams! Lucky snack: hay. CAPRICORN (22 December-19 January)
Goats aren’t to be trusted. Have you seen the shape of their eyes?! Never trust anything that can climb a tree in hooves. Sorry, Capricorn but according to a trusted source (the Internet) you are a tedious combination of humourless and driven. You’re in the same tribe as Mao Tse-tung, Richard Nixon, Idi Amin, Sun Myung Moon and Benedict Arnold, none of whom were famed for their stand-up comedy routines. Consider cosmetic contact lenses and start lying about your birth date. If you’re not very good at lying, ask a Scorpio to help you. Lucky muse: Satan. AQUARIUS (20 January-18 February)
Someone just pointed out to me that horoscopes are meant to be about predicting the future, but who would be gullible enough to believe that? You, Aquarius, that’s who! Jupiter will be in ascendance at some point so the coming year will bring you surprises, good times, and disappointments. A bit like always. Probably. PISCES (19 February-20 March)
The big fish eat the little ones. Not just a Radiohead lyric, but also a lesson for life, especially in the live entertainment business. If you’re a little Pisces, then try and find a pond small enough to make you look big. If you’re a big fish, then devour: devour them all! Just think of the resulting share price. Unlucky accompaniment: chips.
IQ Magazine September 2018