The Agony Page
Dear Auntie Alex... IQ’s resident agony aunt, Alex Hardee, gives fellow professionals who have been suffering sleepless nights (for all the wrong reasons), the benefit of her worldly experience.
Q: I’m managing a hot, new act and the agencies are queuing up to sign them. How do I decide on which agent to trust? Quizzical of Quebec
Auntie Alex says: ‘Trust’ is not a word usually associated with agents. In fact, ‘trusted agent’ is an oxymoron, much like ‘sports personality.’ The reason snakes bite agents is out of professional courtesy. Q: I’ve just found out that there is an outstanding arrest warrant for my headliner’s lead guitarist and police are planning to arrest him when he comes off stage. If the band cancels, I’m not confident about my ticket sales. Ethically, am I bound to tell the act’s management? Lost of London
Auntie Alex says: I am confused. You seem to be implying that you have a guitar band as a headliner. It’s 2018, mate, get with the programme – have you not heard of grime? Q: I’m having the biggest summer of my life with sold-out shows everywhere, sponsors renewed for next year, and festivals so hot that I had to bring in emergency beer tankers from three neighbouring countries. I’m fucking minted. What do I do with all this money before the taxman finds out? Moneybags of Munich
Auntie Alex says: Do what ET did and become a nonresident alien.
Q: I’m launching a new event and thanks to some wealthy investors, I have a big budget, but I cannot get any agents to give me headliners. What am I doing wrong? Flummoxed of Finland
Auntie Alex says: It’s probably because you’re not actually offering them the money. But you also live in Finland and it’s a bastard to get to. Q: I have been approached by a multinational corporation who say that if I don’t sell up to them, they will start a rival company to put me out of business. Should I just give up? Bullied of Buenos Aires
Auntie Alex says: These big companies usually get what they want in the end, so yes. Q: I’m dealing with a very angry but powerful US agent who keeps calling me at 4am. How can I subtly educate this guy about time zones without losing the three acts I am negotiating on for my festival? Livid of Leipzig
Auntie Alex says: As I’ve always said when asked why I take an instant dislike to Americans – it’s because it saves time. Educating an American is impossible. I know people say nothing is impossible, but some things are – try putting a shit back up your arse with a spatula. Point proven.
Q: I’ve struggled to build a credible roster for the last 15 years. What other career paths are possible after so long as an agent?
Q: I’ve had to remortgage my house to fund this year’s festival and I’ve just lost my major sponsor. My wife is threatening to leave me if we have to rent a new house. What would you do (and can I have my deposits back)?
Confused of Copenhagen
Anxious of Auckland
Auntie Alex says: You need to use the skills you acquired in your previous career, so: hitman, lawyer, traffic warden,; president of the United States... Or any other job that requires absolutely no moral compass whatsoever.
Auntie Alex says: I have several properties currently unoccupied that I am willing to rent at reasonable prices. So the actual question is: can I have my deposit, please? – six months upfront should be fine.
Do you have a burning issue (or sensation) that you’d like help with? Then email your dilemma to Auntie Alex via info@iq-mag.net
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IQ Magazine July 2018