Wilson Vermilingua Cultural Enterprises proudly presents
THE UCKFIELD BRIDGE CULTURAL HERITAGE TOUR
Second Edition
UCKFIELD BRIDGE CULTURAL HERITAGE TOUR A few years ago, Wilson and I visited Ironbridge in Shropshire to see the famous Iron Bridge - the first of its kind in the world. On our return, Wilson mounted a (sadly, unsuccessful) campaign to have Uckfield’s own bridge declared a World Heritage Site. Part of this campaign was a Tour of Uckfield Bridge. In case you missed it, here is a NEW EDITION of the Uckfield Bridge Cultural Heritage Tour Souvenir Booklet. This New Edition includes a special song celebrating the Uckfield Bridge, written by Wilson, in the style of his hero the famous Mr William McGonagll:
WORLD HERITAGE SITE CAMPAIGN Wilson has just explained his new scheme to me. He intends to turn the Uckfield Bridge into a World Heritage Site and run tours of it, the money raised being donated to the Elderly Elephants' home (a cause very dear to his heart). This sounds to me like another doomed venture, like the Haunted Uckfield tour‌ but who knows? I hope I'm wrong and it's a great success. He has already produced a brochure to promote his tours:
RESEARCH I'm sorry to say that Wilson has fly-posted a few buildings in the village, even though he knows I strongly disapprove of it. Rest assured that I shall have a stern word with him. Now he's home again, busily researching what there is to say about a relatively unremarkable small-town bridge. Good luck with that! I dare say that what he can't learn, he'll make up - only time will tell!
VANDALISM Wilson has just returned from handing out some of his Uckfield Bridge Tour leaflets in town, and he told me that while he was out, he'd noticed that a few of his posters had been vandalised: An "F" had been written in front of the word Uckfield on one of them, and "RUBISH!" had been scrawled across another. Someone had even drawn a pair of glasses on W's face! He thought that the poster with the "F" on was too rude to ignore, so he changed the "F" into a "D", so it now reads "�uckfield". Sweet – and not entirely inaccurate! W was a bit shocked by this 'mindless vandalism,' concluding that 'it's probably the parents' fault!'
REHEARSAL I've had a chat with Wilson, and persuaded him to give me and Antony a private preview of the Uckfield Bridge Heritage Tour, so I can give him some feedback before he opens the Bridge Experience to the Paying Public. My real fear is that there is little to say and nothing to see, and I'd hate for him to be standing in front of a party of disgruntled tourists who've paid ÂŁ5 each when he realises this for himself. W says he should be ready for a dry-run tomorrow.
THE TOUR BEGINS Antony and I turned up at the Uckfield Bridge and waited expectantly for our tour guide, Wilson having popped round the corner for a few minutes to prepare himself. After a little while W reappeared, approached us with a smile and welcomed us to the Uckfield Bridge Heritage Tour Experience. We had assembled under the River Uck sign at the North end of the bridge; W pointed at the sign and explained that Uckfield Bridge was a bridge crossing the River Uck, which had previously been called the River Ouse. If it were still called the River Ouse, the town would probably be called Ousefield, and this would be the Ousefield Bridge. A good start, I thought, although I could tell W was quite nervous. I held Antony out to him, thinking he might calm him down, and he took him gratefully.
THE TOUR IS UNEXPECTEDLY INTERESTING Next, Wilson showed us (well, just me by now) the stone plaque commemorating the building of the original bridge in 1617. 'After more than 200 years, they knocked down the old, stone bridge and built a new one out of iron, just like the iron bridge at Ironbridge!' he enthused, 'But better!' He pointed to another plaque, dated 1858, which marked the building of the new bridge. 'So this is the 1858 bridge?' I asked. 'Um, not exactly,' W replied, 'there was a bit of an accident and that one fell down,' he confessed.
THERES ALWAYS SOMETHING IN THE WAY I asked Wilson when I could have a proper look at the bridge. 'You can't,' he replied bluntly. 'There's nowhere you can go to look at the bridge apart from if you stand on that big pipe over the river. But it doesn't look very strong, and the tour isn't insured for you to climb on it.' 'Can't you see it from the railway station platform?' I asked, 'Or the garden of the cafĂŠ over the road?' 'No, I've tried all those places,' he confessed, 'and you can't see it from anywhere. There's always something in the way. Oooh look, there are some ducks!' he shouted, deftly changing the subject. ‘You could feed those with the Heritage Tour Duck Food I'm producing, except I haven't got any with me today because I haven't quite finished designing the Limited Edition Souvenir Bags.'
DEBRIEF IN THE PUB Wilson, Antony, the Genuine Souvenir Stone and I retired to The Railway Inn for a debrief of the Uckfield Bridge Heritage Tour. 'What did you think of the tour, then? Wilson asked, anxiously. 'Well…' I said, but before I could continue, he stopped me. 'You hated it, didn't you? I can tell.' 'No,' I replied, I didn't hate it at all. I thought the TOUR was EXCELLENT — it was outstanding, exceptional, marvellous, wonderful and magnificent!' 'But?' 'Well,' I continued, 'The trouble isn't the TOUR, it's the BRIDGE itself. Its history is unimpressive — after all it's only just over 100 years old. And there's nowhere you can go to look at the bridge, you can only stand on it. And although your talk was very interesting and fascinating, the whole tour was over in just five minutes.' W's face fell a little. He reached under the Genuine Souvenir Stone and pulled out an envelope addressed to him.
THE TOUR ENDS 'I received this this morning,' he said, passing it to me. I took out the letter, which was from Uckfield Hospital, and read it. The gist of it was that they'd become aware of Wilson's Uckfield Bridge Heritage Tour and they were concerned about the refreshments he planned. They said that following his previous tours with refreshments, the hospital had been overwhelmed with food-poisoning victims and they wanted to know the dates of his Bridge tour so they could lay on extra emergency staff. Wilson shrugged in a resigned sort of way. 'That about settles it, doesn't it?' he said. 'Are you sure you wouldn't like to buy the Genuine Souvenir Stone?' 'Oh, alright,' I replied, handing over a £5 note, 'As long as you carry it home…' 'You'll have to carry it,' he said. 'My paws will be full what with Antony, the Traction Engine photograph and this £5 note. When you get it home, you can put it in the Wilson Vermilingua OBE Museum of Old Stuff and A Robot.' So saying, we finished our drinks and set off for home...
https://antwars2.blogspot.co.uk/