Ed. 76 - Things That Make Us Laugh

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Published monthly, The Talon strives to be an innovative student magazine that is entertaining, intellectually provocative, and visually engaging. We are conscious of the responsibility of writing and publishing, and we seek to create a dynamic magazine that is worthy of its readers. We show respect for our readers by exposing them to a variety of perspectives.

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About the Cover

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF: Danielle Aguilar & Danielle Bryant (a.k.a.

DA & DB) LAYOUT EDITOR: Naty Arenas (a.k.a. The Fixer) NEWS TEAM: Chris Thomas (Editor), Laura Deckers (Assistant Editor), Artur Renault (Reporter) FEATURES TEAM: Andrea Estrada (Editor), Ho Jun Yang (Assistant Editor), Melissa Fiszner (Reporter)

For this edition, I compiled things that make us laugh. I placed these items on hot air balloons because laughing tends to keep our spirits afloat. The back cover is simply the word “laugh,” and I used a colorful palette to reflect the colorful and bright tone of laughter.

—Elaine Chyung

Thanks The Talon advisors and editors-in-chief would like to thank news editor Chris Thomas for coming to our aid on the final editing day, which was Sunday of the four-day Finados holiday weekend. Thanks for stepping in, Chris!

ENTERTAINMENT TEAM: Luiza Justus (Editor), Olivia Dupasquier (Assistant Editor), Ashton Kim (Reporter) SPORTS TEAM: Isabella Zevallos (Editor), Yana Ahlden (Assistant Editor), Fernando Lima (Reporter) COLUMNISTS: Edu Estrada & Melanie Vladimirschi GENERAL REPORTERS: Gini Chi, Lupi Gontijo, Julia Wu BLOGGERS & ARTISTS: Luisa Alcântara and Leo Porto COVER ARTIST: Elaine Chyung PHOTO EDITOR: Julia Greenwald TEACHER ADVISORS: Josh Berg and Mary Pfeiffer PORTUGUESE LANGUAGE CONSULTANT: Maggie Moraes ▪ ▪ ▪ E-mail: talon@graded.br Blog: http://tal-on-line.blogspot.com

Space & Time After being on the “possible monthly themes” list for years, Mr. Berg and Ms. Pfeiffer are thrilled that this year’s staff has voted to pursue Space and Time in the next edition, our last of the semester.

We be green: Since August 2007, The Talon as been printed on recycled paper. Reduce, reuse, recycle!

editors in chief

Talon’s HS Top 20

What makes us laugh about (and at) our dear Graded Danielle Aguilar and Danielle Bryant

1

Technology Issues Has anyone ever noticed the irony in Graded’s technological situation? Everything at this school is based on technology from classroom facilities to email to our course sites. Yet, as dependent as we are on technology, it seems to fail us quite often. It is doubtful that there is anyone who reads this who has never been about to print something when suddenly the server crashes or the printer stops working. How often are we stuck in that bind?

2. Technology Issues (2) For those of us taking IB Physics in room A6, we all know how a typical class starts. We swivel our chairs and desks around to face the board while Mr. Stevens sets up the eBeam. Just as every class before it, and probably every class in the foreseeable future, the eBeam is out of calibration, and Mr. Stevens has to go through the mundane act of calibrating it again. It is one of those things that you cannot help laughing at just because of how ridiculous it is. It is as if you know it is coming and you are just waiting for the day when it won’t happen.

It’s laughable because it is simply so bizarre that it is always out of calibration (should we investigate Mr. Bentley’s alleged sabotage of the device?).

3. Sabotaged Elections This is one thing that we find funny in a sort of scary-funny way: the fact that people took the song choice for Flex so seriously that they actually found a way to cheat the system so their songs could win. When we laugh at this, we are both laughing in shock and laughing at the petty nature of human beings.

Perhaps what is funnier is that people care so much about the music they have to listen to for the first three minutes of flex.

4. Lack of Environmental Responsibility Here is another thing that makes us laugh, perhaps the nervous laughter of shock. Have you ever noticed how as Graded students many of us would rather throw something recyclable into the regular trash than walk a little further down the hall to find a recycling bin? This is not meant to be an opportunity to preach at you all about recycling; since we are all guilty of this, we think it’s okay to poke fun at ourselves.

5. All Nighters One thing about Graded that elicits laughter is that as students we often act as the creators of our own downfalls. How so?

Procrastination. We put things off until the very last minute

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just to be left scrambling in the end. Why do we do this to ourselves? Masochism? Boredom?

6. Bad English This one goes for laughing at those of us on the Talon staff.

Apparently some of us have been using the word “infamous” incorrectly for quite some time now. After learning from our advisors that “infamous” does not actually mean “extra extra famous” (but rather, “notorious”) we have tried to watch out for this mistake.

7. The Senior Lawn Personally, something that makes us laugh a lot about Graded is the senior lawn. Why is it called the senior lawn? Isn’t the name a little odd considering that it has almost no grass hence rendering the name somewhat inaccurate? Perhaps even funnier is how serious seniors tend to take the senior lawn. Sure, it is great to be able to use it, but it is just a few benches gathered under a tree.

8. The Graded Connection It has always been kind of funny how people at Graded seem to know everyone at Graded. They might not know the people based on names but they certainly get to know them in terms of other things. It kind of gets old after a while of being called “so-and-so’s brother or sister.”

9. Lack of Punctuality (Technology Issues 3) Isn’t it kind of funny how we are expected to be on time to class (and rightly so), but all of the clocks at Graded read different times? It is kind of laughable at first, but then you accidentally show up late to Economics. Then you lose that two percent bonus at the end of the semester. Yeah… not so funny anymore.

10. Graded’s Big Brother Has anyone ever thought about the fact that there are cameras everywhere at this school? What are the cameras for? Who is watching us? Does anyone ever even review the tapes?

11. Mr. Bair’s Facial Expressions Whether it’s are the infamous looks of disapproval, or the warm smile, whether its in the morning, walking down the school hallways, or on the sidelines of the basketball court, Mr. Bair’s facial expressions have kept Graded students entertained and talking for years.

editors in chief 12. The Constant Need to Applaud No matter what kind of Flex is taking place, be it a guest speaker or a typical slideshow of the week, there is one noise that is always heard: the sound of applause. We Graded students seem to feel a constant need to fill each slight pause, each stop for breath with claps of approval. No matter your presentation, no matter how good or bad it may be, you will always be applauded in the Graded auditorium.

17. The Facebook Agenda Although every year, on the first day of school, every student is given a brand new Graded agenda, there are countless occasions of students logging on to Facebook, frantically asking what the homework assignment was. It appears that as a student body, we are incapable of picking up a pen, turning a couple pages in our agenda and (gasp!) actually write the homework down for ourselves.

13. The Snack Bar Line A term that is almost laughably non-existent at Graded. The snack bar...has a line?! Yes, it’s true students, the snack bar does have a line that functions the same as any other line in the world, meaning, you have to wait it in. There are those at the school that actually follow the red bars in front of the counter, and do not appreciate when other members of the community choose to completely disregard line ettiquette and skip to the front. Although there are some that may scoff or chuckle at the thought of a line, skipping in front of hungry seniors waiting in line is not a laughing matter.

18. Lack of Locker Locks Although we usually have a great attachment to our belongings, be it our new BlackBerry or our latest masterpiece of an essay, we tend to leave them unguarded, unlocked, unsupervised in our lockers. Perhaps it’s out of laziness, or perhaps Graded students really do just trust each other that much. Not likely considering that this lack of locker locks caused massive havoc this year with the senior class. For the first month of school, top lockers were being swiped out from underneath their rightfully owner’s wandering eye. The laughable solution? Buy a lock!

14. Teachers Unlike most public American schools, Graded teachers and students have a very close and friendly relationship. Whether it’s Mr. Livingston’s unrelenting sarcasm and dry wit, Pepe’s... interesting lectures, Amaral’s exponential stories and metaphors (Go there!) or Ms. Pool’s...well, everything, Graded teachers are funny.

15. Apples and Bananas Every second break at 11:15, students and teachers alike rush to the main stairwell to pick through the bins of the fruit of the day to find the best, ripest and un-bruised apple or banana.

Often the cause of excessive pushing and shoving, and occasionally a full fledged fist fight, the second break snack is a sacred tradition at Graded. Who knew teenagers cared so much about eating fruit?

16. The Bell Walking in from the buses, students pass by the bell every day and may have yet to realize its purpose. Every year, the bell is only used on one day, when the graduating class passes underneath and rings it. The other 364 days of the year, the bell sits silent, tolling for no one. Although it is a lovely addition to an otherwise flat, concrete area, it seems that the bell could be put to better use, or actually given a purpose. (At least, that was what a group of seniors last year were thinking when the bell mysteriously disappeared for a few days…)

19. Chair Choice For years, the Graded community has crippled its students, causing many trips to the emergency room and life-long complaints of back pain, with the stiff, uncomfortable classroom chairs.

With the exception of the chairs in the lovely Talon hangout (B26), classroom chairs are painfully impossible to sit on for more than a few minutes, let alone 80. This choice in chairs was once believed to be a twisted plot of a past administration to get students to stop sleeping in class—however, this suspicion has often been proven wrong (we can indeed sleep on them.) This year, there have been new additions of comfy, Graded-colored chairs in the Portuguese classrooms in the freshman hallway.

Others like those are planned for other classrooms in the near future. Napping in class will never be so comfortable!

20. Outlets in Middle School Lockers To those disbelieving high school students, it’s true. Take a walk down any middle school hall; watch any pre-teen open their locker and you will find their locker equipped for all their computer and phone charging needs. No, were not laughing at the fact that the middle school students have these facilities while the high school lacks them (though it’s criminally unfair).

We are laughing at the fact that we Graded students are so attached to our technology that we cannot be separated from it for even a mere six hours during school. How could we not bring our BlackBerries and laptops with us everywhere we went, and even worse, how could we possibly carry on if our electronics…died?

the talon • 3

editors in chief

A Bad Rep Isn’t Punny The sad downfall of the once great pun / A thing that should make us laugh Danielle Bryant

E

ver since the first caveman grunted a chuckle, countless forms of comedic expression have been created and discovered. Many of these forms of expression are used to make us laugh every day through movies, novels, songs and many other forms. Among these are black comedies, slapstick, and dark humor. One of the most commonly used, yet sorely disrespected forms of humor is the lowly pun. Centuries ago the pun ranked among the greatest of literary devices, a clever twist and juggling of word choice and meaning. Puns were once used extensively by great writers such as Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde. These days, however, the lowly pun is never given more than a snide sneer by those who hear one. Once a great and clever exploitation of linguistic skill, the pun has, over time been dismissed as nothing more than a one-line groaner. It is with great concern that I address this issue and attempt to discover the truth behind why the pun has fallen so far from its pedestal.

First, in order to understand the story of the pun, we must understand what a pun is. According to literary circles, there are multiple types. The first to discuss is the homophonic pun, which uses homophones (words that sound alike) that do not mean the same thing (thus leaving plentiful room for the “pun-er” to use her creativity). A homophonic pun was once summed up by George Carlin though the phrase “To pun is to treat homonyms as synonyms.” To wit: • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

• Question: Why do we still have troops in Germany? Answer: To keep the Russians in Czech The second class of pun deals with word similarity as well. A homographic or heteronymic pun plays on words that are spelled the same but do not sound the same and posses different meanings. Because of the more visual aspect of these puns, they are much more effective if the pun-er makes the audience read the phrase on paper. Often these types of puns are accompanied by unusual sentence structure or word phrasing in order to make the joke succeed: • When asked to explain his large number of children, the pig answered simply: “The wild oats of my sow gave us many piglets.”

• You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish. Unless of course, you play bass.

The third type of pun, for those fine connoisseurs of this mistreated literary device, is the homonymic pun, which includes both the use of homographic and homophonic puns. A pun may also be polysemic, which means that the words must sound the same, be similarly spelled and posses comparable

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meanings: • Being in politics is just like playing golf: you are trapped in one bad lie after another.

Another type of pun depends mainly on the listeners’ understanding of the first part of the phrase (an extremely risky business). Compound puns are sentences which contain multiple puns, therefore the first must be understood in order to find the next at all humorous. On a similar note, a recursive pun deals with broader understanding, and knowing the topic or element in the first phrase to apply it humorously to the second part: • The man, awaiting surgery to remove the malignant tumor, reportedly told interviewers: “This weight is killing me!”

• Why can a man never starve in the Great Desert? Because he can eat the sand which is there. But what brought the sandwiches there? Why, Noah sent Ham, and his descendants mustered and bred.”

• A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

• Immanuel doesn’t pun, he Kant.

Although the pun has received a bad rap over the past few decades, it still remains an extremely important part of comedy and almost a necessary literary technique. Puns were always regarded very highly in my family; my grandfather, known for his dry sense of humor, often butted into whatever conversation we were having to add his two cents/sense (haha...). And if his clever word play did not merit a chuckle or at least a smirk of recognition we received a stern stare.

Generations of my family have been brought up to love and appreciate a good ol’ pun and have attempted to bring it back into popular culture only to be met with groans and moans.

However ignorant society may be to the joys of a pun, I believe it is wrong to discredit the pun. Unlike many other forms of current comedy, a pun requires some literary genius; the understanding of word meaning and phraseology and how to exploit them. A pun is not just a routine of smacking people in the face with a pie, it is not just a slew of dirty words together in an anecdote, it is a true art form. The pun is not just a tired one-liner, a pun is a cornucopia of literary exploitation and word talent. Those who can create and shape puns from regular conversations, should be applauded and congratulated, not groaned at. Next time you hear a comedic word phrasing, before you open your mouth to make a sound of discontent, remember that life wouldn’t be nearly as punny without it and that you should never again have to say “Pardon the pun!”

editors in chief

Past Mistakes A source of shame, or humor Danielle Aguilar

A

s we grow up, our opinions of our past can take a few different paths. We look back on the kind of people that we used to be and we either cringe with embarrassment or are comfortable enough to laugh and poke fun at our past selves.

Regardless of how we react to our reflections on who we used to be, there always seems to be this sense of separation—a line drawn in the sand—between our past, present, and future selves.

Why is that? Are we not still the same people?

Can’t these different snapshots of our lives be put in a sequence to represent us as wholes?

The obvious answer, at least to some people, is yes, we are all still these people; we always have been and always will be. There is the potential for us to change in personality or disposition, but our pasts will still lead up to some sort of catalyst for this change. Most of us accept our past selves as part of who we are now, until we remember a time when we did something stupid.

Of course, when thinking about past actions that we consider to have been stupid, I do not mean simply something silly. Silly would be those kinds of things that we remember and feel the rush of embarrassment but are comfortable enough to laugh at. Silly would be my memories of getting married to a boy named Lawson in a sandbox when we were just five years old. Silly would be how we felt as eighth graders when we thought we were on the top of the world only to find out that we would be starting over at the bottom of the pyramid the next year. Stupid is something else entirely. Maybe our actions did not seem stupid at the time and maybe stupid is not even the proper word to describe these actions. Opening up the forum to the broader category of mistakes (after all, we sometimes tend to regard our past mistakes as stupid), this becomes a discussion of regrets and an embarrassment for something that cannot be taken back.

We all know the feeling that comes after we do some-

thing that we realize later is a mistake. The feeling runs in cycles as we move from regret to shame and often back again.

Anyone who has made a few mistakes in life knows that there are two types of mistakes: the kind that you regret but later learn from, and the kind that produce a lesson that you really feel you could have been spared from and instead would like to erase. There are some that we just laugh off and move forward and there are these others that we take a little too seriously.

We dwell on them and let them stew inside. Anything that reminds us of these mistakes—a person or place— sets us off into a Christina Naegli deep spell of almost obsessive reflection.

The only thought that comes to mind is “How could I have done that? How could I have made such a huge mistake?” The obvious answer is that we are all human and mistakes happen, but isn’t it possible that we are all taking ourselves a little too seriously in the way that we hold on to these mistakes as if they are grudges? Since when is okay to hold ourselves to such a high standard that it is impossible to move forward after making a big mistake?

I would like to say that there is an easy solution to all of this, an easy way to learn to live with our past mistakes without having to feel dread when remembering them. I would like to say that there is an easy way to forget about them and I know that I have had plenty of material to work with while trying to move forward. I have realized that over time, we get to a point where we no longer really care about our past mistakes.

After all, they happened in the past. Once we let go, we gain the ability to look back and actually laugh at ourselves. Who decides if what we have done is stupid or silly anyway? It just makes us who we are.

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point of view.

Finding What Matters But what does that even mean?

Melanie Vladimirschi

I

n Mr. Aickin’s ToK class, we have argued that humans are in a constant mode of preparation for the “next step.”

In middle school, we are told that we must write papers and essays in a certain way and research certain topics that will prepare us for the future tasks of high school. In tenth grade, we are given Paper 2s in History and practice commentary essays in English in order to prepare for IB classes. When we reach our junior and senior IB classes, the term “college-level” resonates in our minds as it gets repeated from class to class. As we struggle to write exceptional applications with the hope of getting into top-tier universities, I wonder what comes after that?

Work? Life? Does it even matter?

Personally, I don’t think it does. We’re always searching for what is meaningful. Taking a look at our community service records, the activities we are involved with at school, the challenging classes we take and the sport teams we want to be part of, it is clear to me that this is what we are all searching for. We’re not okay with being just active Graded students; we want to find the significance and meaning of this as well.

As we are shaped into adults, even though our workload increases each year, our essays become more intricate, and our thoughts become more profound, we can’t lose sight of what is really important to us. Certain intrinsic values remain, or at least should remain, with each individual and overcome our growing ambitions.

Reading excerpts from a book by Jerry Porras, Stewart Emery, and Mark Thompson called Success Built to Last: Creating a Life That Matters, I was inspired by the 37 things they list that help us realize what is truly worth it. I have chosen and rephrased the ones that seem to be the most applicable to Graded students, and although these might not be new to you, it’s nice to be reminded of them every once in a while.

Don’t give up on what you love. This seems like a hard task, given that some don’t even know what they love yet.

However, once you find your passion, it’s extremely important that you treasure what is meaningful to you. Regardless of what others say, when all seems to be going wrong, you can at least be sure of one thing that makes up who you are.

Acknowledge failure. Many highly accomplished people describe themselves as common mistake makers because you can’t learn if you have never failed. It’s a cliché that we hear way too often, but it’s only repeated because it’s true.

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matthewferry.com

Recognizing your mistakes, then, is the first step. According to Porras, Emery, and Thompson, “losers call it failure; winners call it learning.”

Do what matters to you. Whether it is dancing, drawing, saving the world, playing music, or getting into college, you have the power to do it. The task is in your hands, and once you are successful, it has almost little or nothing to do with luck. Your results come from your creation, and your creation comes from your courage and determination to do what matters to you.

Be open-minded. Even though at times it may seem like you live a repetitive and monotonous life, the truth is, you can’t know for sure what to expect. Not everything turns out as we plan it, so having a mind ready for exploration and an open heart is key to be prepared for any challenges or obstacles you are bound to face.

Laugh a lot. There’s nothing that better fits the definition of happiness than laughter. There is scientific research proving that laughter is actually a therapy. As William James wisely stated, “We don’t laugh because we are happy, we are happy because we laugh.” After all, what’s the point in a life without laughter?

Don’t stress. Or at least not too much. I am very aware that at Graded, it is almost impossible not to be overwhlemed by the long list of things we have to do. Yet, if you worry too much, you forget to appreciate the things that make you happy.

Everything will be okay in the end; if it’s not okay, it’s not the end yet.

point of view

More Contagious Than The Flu The effects of my brother’s laughter Samantha Isman

N

othing makes me laugh harder, than the sound of my in the world. But I miss hearing his laugh when I got home from brother laughing. I can be doing something completely school. I miss watching stupid movies with him just so I can

banal, and he can be in his own room watching Friends (usu- hear him laugh. My brother is not the type of guy that everyone ally), the sound of his laughter never fails to amuse me. It is thinks is funny; he’s the type of guy that does not mind laughing a strange realization, because his laugh is nothing out of the ordinary. The throaty, loud

An afternoon that I haven’t spent laughing is an afternoon wasted.

at himself every once in a while. He laughs at me and sometimes he laughs just for

laugh that emanates from his

the sake of it. But it does not

mouth is quite common. Yet to

stop there. I have come to

me it feels like there is a lot more meaning behind it. It feels realize that my entire family enjoys laughing, and we pass it like his laugh is coming from the deepest corners of his soul, to each other. On a regular week day, it would be unusual not like his laughter could cheer up the entire world. He gets it to hear us laugh. from my dad. Unlike my laughter, which is just like there is

Because of the way I have been raised, surrounded

an earthquake inside my body, due to the lack of sound and by laughter, I have also looked for friends that make me breathing, his laughter fills the

laugh. I get bored if my friends

entire house and is impossible

aren’t cracking jokes in the

to miss.

middle of our conversations.

I had not realized this

An afternoon that I haven’t

until my brother left for col-

spent laughing is an afternoon

lege. I do not start laughing at

wasted. I look for laughter

7:00 promptly, every day like I

wherever I can find it. The

used to. At first I thought noth-

things that make me laugh are

ing of this, yet later I started

numerous, a joke, a movie,

wondering why it was so. My

time spent with my parents or

first impulse was to say that

my friends. I am not afraid to

the reason I wasn’t laughing as

laugh at myself and I am not

much was because I was watch-

self-conscious about my laugh-

ing too much Grey’s Anatomy

ter. I love being surrounded by

and not enough Friends. So,

people who make me laugh; I

obviously, I turned on the TV

love being the source of oth-

and hoped for a Friends episode

ers’ laughter. I appreciate the

to be on. However, I discovered

kind of laughter that leaves

that the show did not have the

me breathless, the one that

effect on me that I was expect-

evolves from the deepest cor-

ing. I watched episode after

ners of my body. Thanks to my

episode and all that came out

Sami’s brother is the one on the left. Photograph by Tomas Isman brother, I realized laughter is

of me was a quick giggle. That’s

more contagious than the com-

when I came to realize that the main reason I laugh is because mon flu. It can disseminate in a matter of seconds, and nobody of my brother.

complains when they catch it.

He is not a typically funny guy. He does not have his own standup comedy show, and he does not tell the best jokes

the talon • 7

news.

Round Two Let the campaigns (re)begin!

Christopher Thomas

W

ith the results from the elections on October 3 requiring a second round election between presidential candidates Dilma Rousseff of the PT and José Serra of PSDB, the race to secure votes was underway. By the time this article is published, we will already know who is the new president of Brazil, as the second round will take place on October 31. Therefore your correspondent, takes a look at HOW the race was run.

A key figure in this campaign was the Green Party’s Marina Silva. Despite not making it to the second round, she gained the third highest number of voters. Whoever secured the majority of her votes has surely been elected Brazil’s next president. However, Dilma was at an advantage, needing a smaller number of voters to obtain victory.

Due to the importance of Marina’s voters to both Serra and Dilma, they have gone out of their way to endear themselves to her demographic.

Another important aspect of the campaign was the need of Dilma and Serra not necessarily to tell the truth, but to tailor-make their images to attract the largest number of voters, without distancing themselves from their core base.

Thus, Serra went to lengths in order to fight off the “bourgeois” association that atrributed to the PSDB party, by trying to portray himself as a man of the people. On the other hand, Dilma could not only cater to the members of the middle class who were undecided, but also to the religious community, as leftist party policies in general tend to contrast withmany of their beliefs. In fact, one of Dilma’s main bloopers so far was the retraction of pro-abortion statements after an outcry by religious communities over her view of a woman’s reproductive right. This was the subject of one of the covers of one of Brazil’s most prestigious magazines, Veja. Despite her backpedalling, however, she lost many votes due to this stance.

The statistics and polls, produced by organisations such as Datafolha and Vox Populi, came under immense criticism after Election Day. Many of their announcements were erroneous, and in an age where statistics may change the outcome, these institutions faced criticism. According to them, Aluísio Nunes, a candidate for a seat in the senate for São Paulo, appeared

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to lose; however, he ended up garnering the largest number of votes.

An interesting aspect from the Aluísio Nunes campaign that Serra noted was the use of the image of Fernando Henrique Cardoso, Brazil’s president before Lula. Before employing this strategy, Nunes did not look like a strong candidate. Afterwards, however, he gained a considerable increase in support, which allowed him to win the senate seat. Members of Cardoso’s party are generally reluctant to use his image, as his approval rating at the time was a low 30%. Nevertheless, over time his image has improved, and whilst it was a gamble for Serra, it presented the opportunity to garner voters, and with Dilma’s advantages, Serra had to go all out to win.

A particular grievance many fabiocampana.com.br had with the presidential debates was the lack of questions posed by Serra to Dilma, and vice versa. Seeing as they were the two main candidates, one thought they would question each other brutally, picking apart their policies. Instead, voters were greeted with questions directed at them by the two other minor candidates, Marina and Plínio. Luckily, in the second round there was no dodging, and they had to go head to head.

Perhaps the most striking error of judgment, noted especially by Veja magazine, was the scarcity, or in fact total absence of any true proposals for Brazil’s betterment. The candidates seem so focused on winning the elections through propaganda, image, and past successes, both candidates Dilma and Serra forgot that a fundamental component fundamental component of getting elected was to have a relevant plan for the improvement of the country. Amidst all the electioneering, candidates simply forgot to notice that none of the candidates had a single clear proposal, preferring to keep to vague statements.

Rest assured, the second round, which pitted Dilma and Serra head to head, forced both candidates to face reality and do their best to secure the votes they need. With it being the final round, no rules, high stakes, and winner takes all, the Brazilian public were able to see who ultimately delivered the knockout blow.

news

On the FARC Front Recent news concerning Colombia’s most feared rebels Laura Deckers

N

ews of the Fuerzas Armadas Revolucionarias de Colombia

On that front, Piedad Córdoba has been making headlines. Until

(FARC) appears to be more prominent as of late – and with

recently, Córdoba, a left-wing senator, had been virtually free

it comes talk of hope. First, Ingrid Betancourt, one of the Revo-

of any political scrutiny: her efforts in negotiating the release

lutionary Armed Forces of Colombia’s most noted ex-captives,

of FARC captives had been such that she was considered for

has released her memoir on her life as a political prisoner, Even

a Nobel Peace Prize, and even gained her the cooperation of

Silence Has An End. Controversy has sparked as well following

Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. On September 27, the

accusations that Colombian senator Piedad Córdoba, credited

government’s Inspector General Alejandro Ordoñez claimed he

with taking an essential part in hostage negotiations, has been

had uncovered evidence that proved her collaboration with the

secretly cooperating with the Marxist guerillas. And last but

FARC, and Córdoba lost her seat as senator and right to public

certainly not least, a successful military raid took place on

office for 18 years. Ordoñez backs his claim with information

September 22 that resulted in the death of an important FARC

from a rebel infiltrator, as well as incriminating telephone

leader – deemed the most significant victory against the group

calls and e-mails supposedly from the senator’s alias, “Teodora

since the 1960s – a development that got the world’s attention

Bolívar.” In fact, the evidence suggests that Teodora Bolívar

and inspired optimism.

at one point vouched to prolong Ingrid Betancourt’s captivity,

Back in 2008, newly freed Ingrid Betancourt, whose

even after a FARC member had shown concern for Ingrid’s health

captivity had been widely covered by the international press

given her frail appearance. The question of whether Córdoba

for the past six and a half years, became a reminder to the

and Bolívar are the same person, albeit important, illustrates

international community of the problem of FARC, unresolved

an even broader, more complex facet of current Colombian

since the 1960s. At the time of her kidnapping, Betancourt had

politics. John Otis, a journalist for Time Magazine, describes it

been campaigning for the Colombian presidency. Surprisingly

best: “Córdoba’s fate…shows how times have changed. During

enough, however, she did not use her captivity as a politi-

peace negotiations a decade ago, it was fashionable for Bogotá

cal platform once free, retreating to France (where she has

politicians to be photographed grinning and shaking hands with

citizenship and was received as a hero). The entirety of her

FARC comandantes. But now the Colombian army is winning

experience – or at least, the entirety of what she is willing to

the war, the FARC is considered a drug-trafficking terrorist

share – is told in her book Even Silence Has An End.

organization, and envoys like Córdoba are widely viewed as

Betancourt’s memoir has instilled the opposite of

rebels in disguise.”

silence — heavy criticism from fellow captives, including her

Despite this news regarding rebels, that same week

ex-presidential campaign manager Clara Rojas, has called into

brought to the government much reason for celebration. On

question the legitimacy of Betancourt’s heroism, accusing her

September 22, a raid led by Colombia’s military on a jungle

of arrogance and selfishness during their imprisonment, and

camp south of Bogotá killed Jorge Briceño, a.k.a “Mono Jojoy,”

accentuating even further the cruelty imposed by the FARC on

considered to be the rebel’s second leader in command. Over

their hostages, equating their behavior with the threat they

20 guerillias also suffered attack that same day, which Defense

have come to represent. Betancourt’s public image in her native

Minister Rodrigo Riveria declared to be one of “joy and glory for

country has also been hindered by a lawsuit she filed against

all of Colombia.” Recently elected President Santos, a former

the government not long after her release. Despite appearing

defense minister himself, has expressed confidance that the

otherwise in the media, she insisted that efforts on the govern-

aftermath of those attacks, together with Briceño’s death, will

ment’s behalf to rescue her were insufficient and significantly

do much to destabilize FARC’s power and lower morale. His

delayed, demanding over U$6 million in damages from the

people and our world certainly hope so, as it has for the past

Colombian government. After this was met with public outrage,

46 years.

Ingrid dropped the suit, making her book perhaps the surest form of earning national redemption and calling attention to

Sources used in this article: www.time.com; www.huffington-

the greater issue at hand – that of national security.

post.com

the talon • 9

news

IB Director General Caught Plagiarizing ...and went unpunished Artur Renault

T

he International Baccalaureate Organization defines plagiarism as “the representation of the ideas or work of another person as the candidate’s own.” It then proceeds to define a process of investigation and several punishments for different degrees of academic dishonesty. The document describing this process gives a clear idea that the IBO gives academic honesty much importance. Therefore, it perplexed many people when Jeffrey Beard, the director general of the IB, was caught plagiarizing a speech in August at the Chautauqua Institution in New York State.

His speech copied many ideas from a TED talk given in February by Sir Ken Robinson, a British educationalist. The talk, entitled “Bring on the learning revolution!” is freely available online and has been viewed by over 1.5 million people.

The phrases that were copied are easy to detect. In his speech, Beard said, “Every day, everywhere our children are spreading their dreams under our feet, and we should tread lightly,” “We have evolutionary change but need “revolutionary change,” and “Our educational model...is based upon an industrial model.” In his speech, Robinson said, “And every day, everywhere, our children spread their dreams beneath our feet. And we should tread softly,” “What we need... is not evolution, but a revolution in education,” “We have to go from what is essentially an industrial model of education...”

The parallels are obvious.

The day after the speech, the Chautauqua Institution’s board of adult education issued a statement denouncing Beard’s mistake. In September, an IB spokeswoman, said that Beard claimed, upon reflection, that he could have cited his sources more obviously, and that if this had been a written paper, he would have included citations and a bibliography. She also claimed that Beard had drawn from multiple sources and never intended to imply the ideas were his. The Chautauqua Institute

10 • the talon

has withdrawn the speech from their website and bookshop, stressing their disappointment with the incident.

Jeffrey Beard has not faced any consequences from the IB after this mistake. Many find this unfair, as, while Beard’s actions go unpunished, an IB student caught plagiarizing runs the risk of losing his or her diploma.

The explanation for this lack of penalty is that this was not truly a case of academic dishonesty, as it was more an inconsequential speech than really an academic work. This type of casual oratorial plagiarism often goes undiscovered or unpunished. Even Martin Luther King Jr.’s famous “I have a dream” speech has been accused of being based on one performed by preacher Archibald Carey Jr. Students also tend peytonwolcott.com to get away with light punishments in similar instances. A good example is Columbia University School of General Studies valedictorian Brian Corman, who was caught plagiarizing a comedy routine called “Physics for Poets” by Patton Oswalt earlier this year. Oswalt was very angry, but Corman simply issued an apology and graduated as planned. Therefore, plagiarism seems to be seen only as a serious offence when the culprit may benefit monetarily or academically from it.

Academic plagiarism is considered one of the most serious types of academic dishonesty. There are many computer programs such as those at Turnitin.com that detect plagiarism , both for students who are scared of accidentally plagiarizing and for teachers. This is because plagiarism is becoming so common that it is impossible for all of it to be detected. Studies show that 80% of students admit to cheating at least once.

When does this become a crime, though? Is it always wrong to plagiarize? Is it okay because of its commonness? What is clear is that schools try to stop students from doing so, and Jeffrey Beard’s mistake isn’t helping much.

news

Com vocês, o Tiririca Gringo O que passa pela cabeça de um político no Brasil?

Lupi Gontijo

T

odos os políticos são uns idiotas. Pelo menos Gnarr é um idiota engraçado. Não, Tiririca não mudou de nome. Jón Gnarr (foto) hoje em dia é decididamente o político mais célebre da Islândia, um dos com melhor qualidade de vida do mundo. O motivo: honestidade e carisma, conseguiu ser eleito prefeito da capital Reykjavík no final de maio deste ano. A frase acima é a resposta de um fã para, provavelmente, a seguinte pergunta: “Em sã consciência, você votaria neste abestado?”

A tal “honestidade” atribuída à reputação do homem vem do partido que ele mesmo criou. Tendo em vista a impossibilidade de se eleger individualmente, surgiu: o Melhor Partido.

“O MP tem a grande vantagem de poder fazer muito mais promessas do que seus concorrentes políticos pelo fato de não ter, assumidamente, a menor intenção de cumprir qualquer uma delas”, anunciou na época. Jamais os islandeses viram um candidato tão honesto quanto Tirir Gnarr.

Não deu outra: Gnarr venceu as eleições e no seu discurso de vitória acalmou os que estavam com o pé atrás.

“Ninguém deve ficar assustado com o Melhor Partido porque ele é o melhor partido. Se não fosse, seria chamado de Pior Partido, ou Partido Ruim”. E para fechar com chave de ouro: “E pior não fica”. É desnecessário explicar que essa figura nos remete, sem sombra de dúvida ao brasileiro Francisco Everardo Oliveira Silva, vulgo Tiririca, um ex-integrante de programa humorístico na televisão. Eu não tenho dúvidas de que tem gente que sabe o seu número eleitoral (que para piorar é fácílimo de memorizar: 2222, com direito a música e dança) e não consegue sequer nomear os quatro candidatos a presidência deste ano. Mas o que me fascina é como esta forma de levar a política na piada está presente não só no Brasil, como eu achava antes de ler o primeiro artigo da revista Piauí de setembro, mas mundo afora,

multiplicando-se como um vírus. E parece que isso está dando certo para os ditos palhaços. O que com certeza aconteceu é que ao ver o sucesso de Gnarr, Tiririca resolveu fazer o mesmo. E agora está pleiteando os mesmos resultados. Ou seja: qual a chance de vermos no próximo ano mais e mais “MulheresPêra” e “Ronaldo Espers”? ALTA. E a eleição do Tiririca (iminente receio, enquanto escrevo esta coluna) comprovará isso.

Mas eu me pergunto: quem são os verdadeiros palhaços? Teoricamente não há nada de errado em apresentar-se como fizeram Gnarr e Tiririca. Afinal, temos uma liberdade de expressão afinal. Os que votam nessa gente, convenhamos, são os menos informados e menos interessados na nossa ordem e progresso. E já que são muitos no Brasil, os Tiriricas da vida tomam proveito disso. Eles atingem essa uploads.neatorama.com grande camada da populacão, a camada que não quer ser politizada e que talvez até se identifique com eles. Sabem que têm chances de ganhar porque a política está desmoralizada. E o povo brasileiro se satisfaz com o mais fácil, com a piada.

Tiririca não é burro. Ele consegue sacar oportunidades e tirar proveito disso pra si mesmo, assim como os outros dessa patota. O eleitorado dele consiste de pessoas menos politizadas, que se identificam com ele e com o slogan “pior do que está não fica”.

Do mesmo jeito que 71% da população islandesa se diz satisfeita com Jón Gnarr (responsável por projetos como incluir toalhas grátis em todas as piscinas públicas, ônibus e serviço dentário de graça para “jovens e pobres coitados”), é bom mesmo que os eleitores de Tiririca fiquem satisfeitos com suas realizações, como “tirar moradores de rua e colocar eles em calçada” (sic). O governo do país está virando um circo, e ele, palhaço, até que não se encaixa mal nesse ambiente.

the talon • 11

news

The Tablet War Begins Samsung vs Apple...Again Gini Chi

A

man emerges from of a building and pulls a rectangular tablet out of an inner pocket of his jacket. While walking, the man uses his tablet to go online to find a shortcut to a supermarket, and later he logs into professional wine website to compare different kinds of wine as he is shopping. The man refers to a recipe for his dinner from his tablet. After dinner, the man discusses a company issue with his boss through the screen of his tablet; during the conference, the man is at home and comfortably in his underwear while wearing a suit jacket above his waist. All of these tasks with a single small tablet. Thinking of iPad? No. The previous story is an official teaser for Samsung’s very first tablet PC, the Galaxy Tab. On September 16, Samsung presented its Galaxy Tab in The Samsung Experience Hall of Manhattan.

About 200 people visited and tried out the latest product from Samsung. Most people at the exhibition gave positive reviews after the try-out. And, of course, the Galaxy Tab was inevitably compared with its predecessor, Apple’s iPad. But the Galaxy Tab was noted more for its features that are different from those of the iPad, rather than for the similarities. First of all, the Galaxy Tab is notable for its seven-inch screen and weight of 380 gram, smaller and lighter than iPad (9.7-inch and 750 gram). Second, the Galaxy Tab is noted for its camera on front and back and expandable storage application (maximum 32 GB), the two major applications that iPad currently lacks. Moreover, it is also applauded for its speakerphone application. Although it does not provide an earpiece yet, the Galaxy Tab will soon hit the tablet PC market with its phone call applications. The Galaxy Tab also provides Adobe Flash (Version 10.1) and allows multitasking and registering applications without restrictions.

Yet there are drawbacks to the Galaxy Tab. The iPad is superior to the Galaxy Tab in terms of battery power. When a video is played, the iPad will last for 10 hours whereas the Galaxy Tab will last for just 7 hours. Most of all, the iPad attracts consumers with over 10,000 applications; Samsung has to catch up with Apple’s vast content.

Of course, some people, especially those who have become obsessive fans of the iPad, will not take notice of the

12 • the talon

Galaxy Tab very much. With Apple’s product, there is already a tablet PC that is devouring the minds of consumers of the world, so why care about another one?

But the world is becoming interested in the Galaxy Tab. The Wall Street Journal praised the tablet for those new features that the iPad does not have, commenting that it could be possible for the Galaxy Tab to turn the table of the world telecommunication market. American telecommunication services such as AT&T, Sprint Nextel, and Verizon Wireless are already plying their consumers with the Galaxy Tab. PC World, a professional magazine about electric and digital products, commented that the Galaxy Tab would serve as a good challenge to the seemingly invincible iPad. There is also one debatable but strangely obvious fact regarding the release of the Galaxy Tab. The new tablet PC will surely garner attenpcworld.com tion, if not wholehearted worldwide admiration. Most of the consumers who had a taste of the Galaxy Tab through its teaser expressed interest and excitement at a chance to use another tablet PC. Some of those people who had positive reactions to the Galaxy Tab were iPad users. But what’s most obvious is that Samsung and Apple are going to wage another war in the telecommunication world. It is well-known these the two giant producers of digital products have long collided with each other over their smartphone products. For instance, when Apple released the new iPhone, Samsung fired back with its Galaxy S. Without doubt, another battle will ensue in the area of tablet PC. The battle commenced last April, Apple’s iPad release; the Galaxy Tab will be released in Europe before it is officially released in United States. It would be important for the Galaxy Tab to acquire content equal or superior to that of iPad in a short period of time. Samsung made it clear that the world has not seen the best of the Galaxy Tab yet and that it will soon show more of the capabilities of its first tablet PC. For more information about the Galaxy Tab, see PCworld.com, Engadget.com, and Gizmodo.com

news

Fraud Rida Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Graded students manipulate song survey!

Eduardo Estrada

Y

es, I am afraid the news is absolutely true. The facts are as follows: prompted by Gaby Samanez’s insolent comment about the Earth, Wind & Fire classic “September,” Mr. Bair, our forward thinking leader, decided to conduct a survey on the now popular “inter-webs” to give the student body a voice in the selection of the new song to be played during Flex. The aforementioned survey was available to all High School students (and anyone who has access to the “inter-webs”) through TalonLine (the online version of the magazine you currently hold in your hands). The survey was live for “a really long time” according to one Graded senior who preferred to remain unnamed due to a pending police investigation.

Before releasing the survey, however, the dynamic duo behind TalonLine, Luisa Alcântara and Leonardo Porto (L&L), opened up a suggestion box in the blog, the results of which were then used to narrow down the options to five different song candidates (the five that were included in the online survey).

Now, before delving into the crime that was perpetrated, let us first take a look at the options that Graded high schoolers came up with: t “Another Brick in the Wall”— Pink Floyd: Who would’ve seen that one coming? A song that includes the lines “We don’t need no education” and “Hey! Teacher!

Leave them kids alone!” being proposed by high school students for a school event?! No way. In their defense it is a great song and a classic, but it probably did not win the competition due to the fact that it is “from your [Mr. Bair’s] time.” t

“Uprising”— Muse: Although it is the most obscure option of the bunch, like “Another Brick in the Wall” it is also blatantly defiant towards authority… cliché much? Additionally, this is the only song on the list not to make it to the Top 10 of the Billboard Hot 100 and we simply can’t settle for a song that peaked at 37.

t

“ABC”—The Jackson Five: A school friendly song, upbeat, pays homage to the late Michael Jackson, but it also falls prey to the problem of being from Mr. Bair’s time, and the whole point of this was to avoid that, right?

t

“Party in the USA”— Miley Cyrus: Uh… Well, at least it wasn’t Justin Bieber!

t

“Club Can’t Handle Me”— Flo Rida featuring David Guetta: Not to be confused with or pronounced like

the state, however Mr. Rida (not rider) was definitely onto something with that clever pun. The song is accompanied by a music video which Mr. Rida describes as “The biggest party of your life, Club Can’t Handle Me definitely represents that. Lotta energy. Lots of diamonds, ice sculptures. Just showing that boss vibe.”

By a process of simple elimination it becomes clear that “Club Can’t Handle Me” was the obvious choice from the beginning. After all, there is no better place than Flex for us to have that “boss vibe.” Which begs the question, why the fraud? Was it really necessary? Who knows?

The fact remains, however, that at some point in time and through clever manipulation of the “inter-webs” someone was able to vote for one of the songs over and over again. This, in turn, made the survey null and has been called “a crime of the highest degree” by the administration.

This crime continues to be shrouded in mystery as everyone involved has so far refused to comment. The situation seems to be of the gravest degree. When questioned, Luisa Alcântara stated, “I can’t tell you anything or I could lose my job. . .oh, and I’d have to kill you.” Gaby Samanez was reportedly spotted sobbing as a result of all the trouble that she has caused the High School. “It was never my intention for things to get out of hand! All I wanted was to give Flex a more youthful feel!” said the tearful senior as her voice cracked.

The criminal, or criminals (there have been reports running amongst the underground world of the A3 Gamer Society that this was definitely not a one-man job), are still at large and the administration is doing everything it can to find them. Mr. Bair has even claimed that he has a student informer, a statement that is even scarier than the fraud itself. It puts into question the sanctity of that sacred code of comraderie that exists in our high school. Before you know it, students will be telling teachers that yes, Johnny was here for first block and that he was just seen in the library working on his History IA, or that the printer in the Writing Center did not crash since “I just printed my homework there.”

We must come together as a student body and find the elusive criminal(s) and bring them to justice. But, more importantly, we must find the snitch and forever silence him(or her). The fate of our high school depends on it. *Mr. Rida’s statements were legitimately taken from an interview conducted by an MTV reporter.

the talon • 13

features.

My Life is Average It’s been a rather normal day, actually Andrea Estrada

A

t Graded School we have “stress talks” at least one assembly every two months or so. If you are not familiar with them, you are most likely not new or a Graded High School student. However, if you are a Graded student and are well aware of our usual “stress talks,” then you too are aware of what people generally claim is an important cause for given stress: procrastination. And who is to blame for our procrastination? Among laziness, daydreaming, sleeping, eating, and a few other things, Facebook is usually the culprit. But it is quite narrow to claim Facebook is the only online drug (or distraction) keeping us from “productive” occupations. There is also another online addiction: MyLifeIsAverage.

If you have not come across MLIA yet, then maybe you do not want to. Why? Because once you go in, you never go out. Why should you still look it up even though you have been warned? Because 99% of the time you will find it more entertaining than whatever else it is you are supposed to be doing, and it will make you laugh, which according to other articles in this edition, will make you live longer.

The website allows anyone to post, vote, and comment on stories. To provide a more accurate image of this, the description on the site is the following: “MyLifeIsAverage is a place to share your everyday mediocrity. It is a place to post the mundane things in your life, and read about what makes life normal for other people. We believe that for every fail story, or good story, there are about a million normal stories.

So tell the world what makes your life average.”

For some odd reason, we find humor in the most trivial, everyday events. Perhaps it is because we can relate to them, perhaps because of their random nature, or occasionally because they are genuinely comical situations. Still, most of the posts on MLIA consist of ironic or unexpected situations that make their way into our daily routines, creating a little bit of spontaneity in our lives.

Someone tripping over a pencil, the funny joke the teacher shared in class, finding your teacher reads MLIA—all of these classify as potential stories. The website basically allows individuals to share with a few million people the funny incident they would have normally shared with their close friends.

Whether the posts classify as MLIA-worthy is entirely up to the viewers. The voting system consists of two stages.

First, the submitted stories go through a voting process

of “yes,” “no,” or “skip” by MLIA fans who will determine whether the post makes it to the front page. Once it is voted in and available to all of the website’s visitors, the next step consists of two classifications, “average” or “meh.” What exactly “meh” means is not defined on the website, but it is like saying “sure, it’s ok, but not average.” “Average” is the good vote; it classifies the story as MLIA-worthy.

To get an idea of what kinds of posts the website deems worthy, I recommend you visit the website. Just in case you truly cannot afford to procrastinate tonight’s on homework though, here are a few random examples. t t

t

t t

t

Today, I bought a pair of shoes. It said on the box "Average Contents: 2." I'm still confused. MLIA Today, I turned seventeen. The only thing that I am looking forward to is that I am now a legal wizard, and I can cast spells at any time. MLIA [Many posts are Harry Potter-related] Today, my parents were screaming at each other. My mom repeated how my father was a cheater, and she couldn't look at his face and she didn't know if she could ever forgive him. Turns out they were playing Wii Fit and cheated on yoga to beat my mom's top score. I guess we're all 4 at heart, even if they are 40. MLIA Today, I found a potato on my lawn. MLIA.[for Naty] Today, I walked into AP Calculus to find the equation (RAH)2 (AH)3 + [ROMA (1+MA)] + (GA)2 + (OOH)(LA)2 written on the board and Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" playing. Best math class ever. MLIA. Today I got a B+ on my English project. My teacher told me that if I get a story posted on MLIA that he will bump my grade up to an A. Please guys, it's up to you. MLIA. [Yes, teachers are also guilty]

If you want to read more, visit www.mlia.com. I can guarantee that even if today’s posts do not make you laugh (which they most likely will, unless you truly are in a bad mood), then even the FAQ page on the website is funny. So go ahead and relieve some stress. And if next time someone blames MLIA for your procrastination-originated stress, argue that you will live longer because you have laughed more.

the talon • 14

features

Graded Makes Us Laugh At times it might seem hard to believe, but you know it’s true Melissa Fiszner

G

raded never stops. There is always a math portfolio to finish, a poem to annotate, an Internal Assessment to write. We have fundraisers to plan, games to attend, meetings to schedule. To top it off, we have to find time to write our Extended Essays, CAS journals, and send our college applications. And it does not stop there. Sometimes, after a whole week of work, we are once again in school on a Friday night or a Saturday morning because there is a Zombie Zoo or the Benefit Bash or Run for Humanity or Thanksgiving Lunch. Not to mention the many times we find ourselves filling in “Absence Forms” because we have Big 8, Ilha do Cardoso or HACIA trips.

HS Science Department from left to right: Bipolarity, Black Plague, Chicken Pox, Mad In the midst of all these activities we Cow Disease, Doctor, Scarlet Fever, and Swine Flu. Photo by Julia Greenwald end up complaining nonstop about stress. We become tion to set people up romantically. so blinded by this so-called “negative” side of Graded that we Dona Dri’s anecdotes and scary stories. Klam’s extenforget about the tiny details that alleviate us on a daily basis. sive use of irony. Ricardo’s contagious smile and his accent.

We are so focused on claiming that we are officially deprived Mrs. Bree’s soccer fanaticism and her stories about Bair and of a social life that we ignore the subtle things that make us their dog. Ms. Baratta’s typical American sarcasm. Cleber’s smile every day. So here I am taking this opportunity to remind deep voice and critical eye. Ms. Valades’ motherly love. Ms. us of what might seem to be insignificant moments that we take Petersen’s personification of nations, her jumpy personality, for granted; the sprinkles of joy that we overlook; the Graded and her attempts to master a Russian accent. Ms. Panayatova’s people who are responsible for our daily school survival. aspiration to teach her students Bulgarian. Mr. Jensen’s referMr. Bair’s two-minute talks and obsessions over “Sep- ences to Star Wars. Mr. Stange’s musical reenactments. Ms. tember” and the Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy. Pepe’s Bowditch’s freezing classroom. Ms. Pool’s jokes and ability laugh (enough said) and his whiteboard that never fails to enter- to make chemistry fun, including her romantic analogies for tain us. Mauro’s “dança da luxuria.” Mr. Stevens’ atomic noises the elements. Ms. Doro’s profound excitement over math that and his random breaking into song mid-class. Mrs. Pfeiffer’s causes her to laugh. Dona Cris’ obsessions with having the cooking skills (those cookies certainly bring us joy) and spurs hallway completely silent while she’s teaching. of excitement when analyzing works of literature. Mr. Aickin’s And these are just a couple of brief examples. Yes, adorable daughter’s anecdotes and his distinctive sarcasm (yes, Graded is a busy place to be a part of, sometimes so busy that Mr. Aickin, those Oscars were accurate). Mr. Stephenson’s clas- it becomes unbearable. However, these names written above sic punishment for tardies (locking people out) and the student are the ones that make it all possible. If it wasn’t for their need for alertness to protect themselves from his golf club stupid jokes, their hilarious sarcasm, their stories about the swinging. past, their enthusiasm, and especially their support, Graded Mr. Livingston’s “who’s the sexiest dictator?”, his par- wouldn’t have its enjoyable atmosphere. Our teachers are the ticular taste in music, and his wand. Mr. Berg’s iPad obsession reasons why we love Graded so much; they are the ones that and his vocabulary competitions. Ms. Clemensen’s knowledge make us want to learn and become involved, even if it means about every single college (who am I kidding? Her knowledge giving up our free time. So, dear reader, you can take this about every single thing). Kaue’s failed attempts in controlling article as a reminder of why we love Graded, you can take it his laughter (“RonAldo”) and his going on tangents during class as a way to alleviate your end-of-first-quarter stress, you can discussions. Mr. Skinner’s cute Australian accent. Amaral’s pro- even take it as a simple list of things that make us laugh; but found knowledge of Graded’s gossip and his way of reminding also consider it as a thank you note to our beloved teachers, a couples of their anniversaries. Pags’ daily hovering over the reminder that without them Graded would not make us laugh hallways. Mr. Bentley’s college anecdotes. Ney’s many years at the way it does.

Graded. Valdemar’s different voice tones. Maggie’s determina-

15 • the talon

features

Why We Laugh Laughter’s evil nature Ho Jun Yang

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A HA HA HA” is a sound we’ve heard coming from ourselves laugh at situations that seem to be unreal as a violation to the or someone around us. Almost everyone in their lives has “norm” of the world yet is gentle. Meaning that, in general, a laughed at least once because laughing is an innate quality. It person would not find something to be funny if it was a serious is something that has to come naturally. If this seems doubtful, violation of the norm such as with matters of life and death. go ahead, ask a friend to laugh right there on the spot … con- Although different types of people have different senses of vincingly. Didn’t work, right? (If it did, congratulate the friend, humor, this is only because people view different things as bebecause not most people can do that.) ing out of the “norm” yet benign. According to this research, Everyone does it, but what exactly is it that makes the hypotheses were tested by the following experiments. A us or the people around us laugh? Think about that humorous person read two scenarios, in the first, a rabbi was hired as a How I Met Your Mother episode or spokesman for their new line of the time spent with friends where pork products and in the other everyone laughed so hard that it scenario, a farmer was hired as became hard to breathe. Then a spokesman for their new line there’s another type of laughter of pork products. As expected, in which is when we were tickled by the situation where there was a our friends as a joke, but in that break from the “norm” (a rabbi case we only laughed because promoting pork) people saw it as of the physical stimulation, not wrong, causing them to laugh. mental. Most people haven’t given The second part of this it much thought; they’ve just probstudy focused on whether “benign ably shrugged it off at “because it’s appraisals of a moral violation” funny,” but there are characterisinduced a more humorous reactics that explain why we laugh and tion from the reader. Again, an its positive effects. experiment was conducted where effectsandoverdramatics.blogspot a person had to read several sceWhy do scientists even bother researching that? Scientists have tried to figure out why narios and their reactions were observed. For one scenario, the humans express themselves in a certain manner while animals volunteers read about a church that raffled off an SUV to attract can’t. Out of the ways to articulate our feelings, laughter is one new members, while in the other, a credit union did the same. that yields truly miraculous effects. According to a University Surprisingly, the participants were “disgusted” when the church of Maryland Medical Center study, laughing also helps prevent attracted members in that manner while they felt no qualms heart disease. For example, they found that people with heart whatsoever from the credit union attracting members that disease were 40 percent less likely to laugh in various situations way. However, this result varied because while non-churchgoers opposed to someone of the same age who didn’t have a heart found the church situation to be amusing, their counterparts disease. This occurred because according to Michael Miller did not. As a researcher, McGraw explained that this was due to (F.A.C.C. director of the Center for Preventive Cardiology at the non-churchgoers feelings no need to uphold the sanctity of the University of Maryland Medical Center), “We don’t know the churches, making the moral violation seem “benign” while yet why laughing protects the heart, but we know that mental it was just offensive for the church-goers. stress is associated with impairment of the endothelium, the Further research also revealed that people who have protective barrier lining our blood vessels. This can cause a greater psychological distance from the moral violation of a series of inflammatory reactions that lead to fat and cholesterol situation were much more likely to be amused. While referbuild-up in the coronary arteries and ultimately to a heart at- ring to slapstick, McGraw confirmed that “We laugh when (The tack.” In addition, due to the same reason, laughter is often Three Stooges’) Moe hits Larry because we know that Larry’s able to cause loss in weight as well as cleaning blood vessels. not really being hurt. It’s a violation of social norms. You don’t It seems laughter really is an effective medicine. hit people, especially a friend. But it’s okay because it’s not According to MedIndia.net, the common char- real.” So our urge for laughter comes from our need to see acteristic that two psychologists have found is that people often something different. And often, as we feel distanced from that laugh at situations and events which seem to be unreal; people “moral violation” we have even more laughter.

the talon • 16

features

The Ultimate Laughter’s ID The nature, science, and history of this legendary sensation Julia Wu

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he headline says it all. You have engaged yourself into a methodical analysis of one of the finest sensations in life.

Since most of you have experienced the sentiment of laughter for nearly two decades, it is time to understand something about its factual basis.

If you were to tickle a baby chimpanzee, it would most likely giggle similarly to a human infant. Although the sound of an ape’s laugh may differ from ours, this expression of genuine amusement is enough to prove that laughter is a trait inherited from our ancestors. In fact, scientists have revealed that the human laughter has been around for nearly 17 million years.

Yet what exactly is the conductor of laughter, and how does it “broadcast”? This query leads us to refer to getology – the physiological study of laughter. According to this field of study, the production of emotional responses is generated mostly in the brain’s largest region, the frontal lobe. Still, other portions of our brain play noteworthy roles in producing laughter, too. Getologists have acquired knowledge and made progress on this subject by tracing patterns of brainwave activity when a human laughs (internally and out loud). The brain’s reaction to humor is uncovered electronically by utilizing the electroencephalograph (EEG), which screens the patient’s brain waves by attaching wires to his/her head. With this method, a regular pattern is recorded: when witnessing something funny, a negative electrical wave travels through the cerebral cortex (the frontal region of the brain, also the biggest) within 0.4 seconds while, if the wave possesses a positive charge, the patient reports no emotional response. As a result, laughter does not originate from just a single spot, but from a voyage throughout the brain – the left side of the cortex receives and decodes the joke, while the right side carries the analysis to break down and comprehend the joke. The frontal lobe also gets extremely active, for it is responsible for the social, emotional response.

Now that we’ve gone through the cerebral processing of laughter, it’s time to embark on a scavenger hunt for humor. What exactly causes us to zip open those lips and release delight? Researchers have come up with three major theories to categorize the origins of laughter. The first one, the incongruity theory, suggests that humor is created by unexpected

17 • the talon

results and things that don’t normally belong together. For example, when we’re told a joke, our mind subtly begins to anticipate its outcome. This expected outcome is built by logic intertwined with emotion according to our past experiences and assumptions. When a twist begins to emerge, our thoughts spontaneously try to switch gears. This new line of thought is generated by incongruity, which turns out to be funny.

Believe it or not, the next theory in line is terribly trendy amongst witty Graded students. It is called the superiority theory, and it is as simple as it sounds – it comes into play when we put ourselves in a superior position and laugh at those who make stupid mistakes (i.e. Epic Fails), or simply their troubles, silliness and idiocy. For the sake of conscience, perhaps you will strive to keep from making fun of these situations. But believe it or not, these are the ones that tickle the photobucket.com most. You know what I’m talking about—the type that causes random laughter in the shower.

The last one is rather internal, and universally applicable. The relief theory has been utilized by cheesy T.V. comedies or movies for a long time. The conductor of the “joke” will build massive tension and suspense. When the suspense reaches its climax, the speaker then allays the tension with a side comment or silly joke, just so the anxiety can build up again after the relief. Just like in real life situations, when one is extremely nervous or jumpy, he cracks jokes just to appease, if not erase the pent-up tension. In other words, dark humor helps provide us with mental breaks and optimism in the face of adversity or overpowering stress.

Nevertheless, laughing is a wondrous sensation on the whole. It is also known as an international human vocabulary – there are copious languages and dialects, but laughter itself is universal. Infants as early as three weeks are able to produce whimsical sounds of laughter. Even children who are born impaired, blind, or deaf still obtain the facility to laugh.

Aside from feeling good, laughing is healthy – the University of Maryland has performed studies that prove the dilation of arteries and decline in blood pressure when one laughs.

If you’re a bona fide laugher, you’ve probably learned more about the benefits of this colossal pleasure. If you have yet to become one, go for it… Just don’t tickle yourself.

Actually, go ahead.

features

Sex sells... ...and saves animals Gabriel Dias

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n the year of the thirtieth anniversary of the largest animal rights organization in the world, PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), their controversial advertisement campaigns have become a matter of much debate. The print ads, often featuring either nude, semi-nude, or suggestive pictures of actors, entertainers, or stars from the adult-media industry, have been turned down by magazines and newspapers many times. However, they have also tenaciously persisted and been able to make it into various major publications.

One of the print ads that PETA released recently for its Animal Birth Control (ABC) campaign is titled Too Much Sex. It features Sasha Grey, an adult-film star, sitting naked on a bed with her back to the camera but with her side also showing. She is gently (and barely) covering her right breast, gazing at the camera with a lustful look as her butt is (once again, barely) covered by the bed sheets. At the height of her mid-ribs the only writing in the whole ad is presented in thin white letters: Too Much Sex Can Be a Bad Thing. Have your cats and dogs spayed or neutered. Very appropriately, Ms. Grey’s PETA ad’s first appearance was at the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas, NV. Interestingly enough, Grey’s male counterpart in the Too Much Sex – ABC campaign is none less than Ron Jeremy, American pornographic actor ranked first by AVN on their The Top 50 Porn Stars of All Time list.

Other famous faces (bodies) in PETA ads involving some sort of nudity include: Joanna Krupa, Holly Manson, Eva Mendes, Layla Kayleigh, Stephanie Pratt, Pamela Anderson, and Brody Jenner, amongst others. The full campaigns can be found in PETA’s website (www.peta.org) by clicking on the Media Center tab and then selecting the Print Ads section, located on the sidebar.

A first glance at the Print Ads section on PETA’s webpage gives the impression that there is a pretty good balance regarding the number of ads with women versus ads with

men. It doesn’t take much, though, to notice that there are trends in the way each gender is portrayed. Ads with women generally involve a beauty in a sexually suggestive setting, with a lot of make-up, carefully done hair, minimal clothing, and so on. The backgrounds of these are usually either one-colored and simple or, in the case of ones in more complex settings, a shallow depth of field is used in the photograph, causing the focus to be on the woman and on the animal (usually a bunny or a kitten) when there is one. Ads with men, on the other hand, generally involve a man who isn’t necessarily attractive wearing clothes in a setting which is pertinent to what they are known for, or outdoors, with animals (usually dogs).

For example, NBA star Ron Artest on a basketball court or UFC former lightheavyweight champion Tito Ortiz in a fighting cage. petaasiapacific.com Although PETA has been criticized for using this aggressive and daring type of advertisement, which can be considered offensive by some, these campaigns are, in many ways, much more appropriate than other popular companies’ ads. Unlike perfume and cologne ads which feature men and women just as nude, and beer ads with slogans much more sexually suggestive, these ads are selling support for a non-profit organization which advocates animal rights and their ethical treatment.Another importnat fact about these PETA ads is that their target audience is very clear. As mentioned, Sasha Grey’s ad was shown in the Adult Entertainment Expo.

Most of these are published in adult-oriented magazines, such as Maxim, Playboy, FHM, Men’s and Women’s Health, and GQ. It is in many ways ironic that these campaigns be considered immoral, especially because they support an organization and a mission like PETA’s. The truth is, if any organization, company, or brand has the right to be aggressive in their advertising it seems only reasonable that it be one like PETA, which stands for moral awareness and for the improvement of our society.

the talon • 18

entertainment

The New Era of Vampires How the once-deadly creatures became tame and pathetic Luiza Justus

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ampires aren’t funny. They are bloodsucking, undead creatures of the night that feast on human blood and feel no remorse for doing this. They have no souls and are nothing but dead bodies that come alive through the thirst and instinct to survive. Daylight is deadly to them, and they can only be killed by a wooden stake to the heart. They show no mercy; their relationships with humans go only as far as their need to brutally murder and drink human blood.

Thank you for ruining that, Stephenie Meyer.

Now, vampires are lovable creatures. They are nothing but tortured teenagers doomed to a lifetime of thirst for blood. They walk around in broad daylight and are capable of human emotion. Drinking animal blood relieves them from being seen as coldblooded killers. If you see a vampire, you will only think of how gorgeous it is and you will fall in love with it.

I mean, really?

That is something that makes me laugh. Whatever gave Stephenie Meyer the impression that she can simply take one of the oldest and most mysterious legends of humankind and turn it into some kind of teenage dream soap opera? I don’t see a problem with writing a story about vampires, and it is even respectable if she writes a novel about a vampire who falls in love with a human. But changing nearly all the characteristics of the folkloric vampire in order to create a dreamy and perfect teenage guy to make all pre-adolescent girls fall in love with?

Great marketing scam, Meyer. Enjoy your millions.

I’m not going to lie. I bought into the whole Twilight story for a while. I read the books and saw the movies, and I can’t say I was bored. However, vampires began appearing in books, TV series, T-shirt, movie, advertisement, promotional item, or anything that is directed at teenage girls. Girls now dream of falling in love with and dating vampires. Not even the werewolves could escape the trend. “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” T-shirts sell quicker than the next aspiring author can ruin vampires.

Whatever happened to the classic representation of vampires in books like Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1897) or in films like F.W. Murnau’s Nosferatu (1922)? I wonder if teenage girls would indulge themselves and go crazy over those vampires. I bet all of the Edward Cullen fanatics would love to find them-

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selves in a sexy forbidden love affair with those Count Draculas.

Perhaps I am being hypocritical. I am a devoted viewer of the TV seriesThe Vampire Diaries, now on its second season. This show portrays the life of a troubled teenage girl who falls in love with a vampire (big surprise!). However, it does not completely ruin and change the – for lack of a better word – history of vampires. In this show’s representation of the creatures, they can die with a wooden stake through the heart, and they do burn in the sun. They are undead, so in order for a human to become a vampire, they need to die

weregeek.com

first (unlike Meyer’s bite plus painful transition period). The story is a lot more interesting, and the human main character is not an insipid, vapid, and charmless young woman to whom a desirable and ethereal non-human boy just happens to be extremely attracted.

Someone had a brilliant idea. They decided to make a movie highlighting all the mediocrity surrounding the current view of vampires. They wanted to show the world how ridiculous it was to simply make vampires into adorable little boys: Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer wrote and directed the new satire, now in theaters, Vampires Suck. The film is basically a remake of the Twilight films, but with half-witted jokes poorly inserted in certain parts and a lot of forced humor. It was a good idea, but unfortunately, just didn’t come through.

Stephenie Meyer’s version of vampires makes me laugh.

How she managed to create this worldwide fever-like fixation is beyond me. Vampires don’t sparkle in the sun. They don’t fall in obsessive love with annoying girls who hate their lives and can’t stop twitching and breathing. They don’t fall in love, period. They kill. They drink blood. The sun is deadly to them.

You can’t just pretend that’s not true. If you want to write a story about a person like that, don’t call it a vampire. Call it a blood enthusiast.

entertainment

Those Who are Paid to Make us Laugh Stand-up comedy’s success in Brazil Olivia Dupasquier

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tand-up comedy is performed in front of a live audience by comedians. Though it is popular in the United States, only recently has it begun to attract audiences in Brazil. Television shows like “Saturday Night Live” and “Seinfeld” played a big role in making stand-up comedy more popular in Brazil, and now many comedians are famous for their hilarious shows. However, not many people realize how far stand-up comedy has come in Brazil, and how much talent these shows really demonstrate.

Stand-up comedy was introduced to Brazil by José Vasconcelos, in the 1970’s, and the entertainers Chico Anysio and Jô Soares helped it progress. Since Brazil is a country known for promoting a good time, those who work with humor always have a chance to be successful. However, stand-up is considered by many to be the most difficult art form to perform and master, because not only do comedians rely on the audience and their reaction more than any other artist, but it is also a lot easier to make someone cry than it is to make them laugh. For this reason, stand-up comedians must often adjust their routine on the spot or in accordance with their spectators. A stand-up comedian’s job is so difficult that it can often take them years to come up with 45 minutes worth of material, which they must still alter and perfect over time. However, they do not need make-up or any sort of props—all they need is a microphone, perhaps a stool and enough creativity and wit to put on a great show based on daily life.

Just last year I was in Rio de Janeiro when I went to check out the stand-up comedy Comédia em pé, featuring one of the funniest people I have ever met, Fernando Caruso, in Shopping da Gávea. As this was my first time ever watching a live stand-up comedy, I couldn’t really compare it to the shows performed anywhere else. But I can say that I left the show that night with the absolute best impression of stand-up comics, and a strong desire to return to the place that had made me laugh more than I ever had. And trust me, that’s saying something.

What I liked most about the show was that there were a few different comedians performing, each with a different sense of

humor. One was more sarcastic, another preferred dirtier jokes, and since the comedians all write their own material, each appearance was completely different from the last. But what they all had in common was that they were able to integrate aspects of Brazilian life and culture into their act. This is what made me realize what may be the biggest difference between stand-up comedies in different places around the world, besides the language in which they are performed.

It’s not enough just to understand what the comedians are saying in order to really appreciate the performance; one must also understand the culture of the place, since a lot of the jokes come from making fun of cultural habits, such as Brazilian micaretas, which are often a target of ridicule here.

A great stand-up comedy show here in São Paulo is Clube da Comédia Stand-up, which happens clubedacomedia.com.br every Wednesday night at 9 in Teatro Procópio Ferreira in the neighborhood of Jardins. Some of the most renowned Brazilian stand-up comedians participate in this show, including Rafinha Bastos, Oscar Filho and Danilo Gentili, one of whose jokes appears on the site of the club: “O papa anda por aí num carro com um vidro à prova de balas. O que me faz pensar que se Deus não protege o papa, eu então to ferrado.”

This is just a taste of what these hilarious artists have in store for those who take a night off to go have a laugh. So may I be so bold to suggest: next time you feel like you’re overloaded, overstressed and underlaughed, spend your next Wednesday evening at the Clube da Comédia Stand-up with the funniest guys Brazil has to offer, and I guarantee you’ll be running back for more.

Source used in this article: www.gun.com.br/standupcomedybrasil/

the talon • 20

entertainment

Malibu, Bro Code, and Bazinga!

American sitcoms with the laugh virus

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he long-awaited new seasons of TV sitcoms have come back for the fall, each with their different backgrounds, colorful characters, and witty catchphrases. Some audiences follow a series closely, catching up according to each broadcast in the U.S. Others simply enjoy what they can see when they change the channel to WB. Contemporary American comedy has evolved from its old ages, beginning with the years of Seinfeld and Frasier, skimming across the late 90s with classics like Friends, to the more modern series that dominate our laugh boxes this very day.

What makes us so amused by these stories seems simple: they show us how different the world can be, depending on who, what, and where you are. There are countless examples to bring to the table, but it is incontrovertible that three sitcoms of CBS have made their mark.

In the Year 2003, Chuck Lorre created Two and a Half Men, the story of a womanizing drinker, Charlie Harper, who takes his younger brother Alan, and nephew, Jake, under his Malibu-beach-house-wing. Charlie, portrayed by the actor Charlie Sheen, has changed much as the series reaches its eighth season, but the story goes on with now nearly three full men as Jake becomes of age. This series playfully portrays the life of a somewhat broken and dysfunctional American family, surrounded by divorce, stalking, alcohol, and mother issues.

Covered up by wit and humor and transferring perhaps a sad reality into comedy, the series is full of laughs, romance, and silliness, and can be enjoyed without knowing the specific plot.

Going into its eighth season we can only expect the best.

Soon followed a sitcom that shared many similarities with the legendary Friends, bringing us some unforgettable characters from the Big Apple. How I Met Your Mother, a narrative in reverse, concerns the tale of Ted Mosby and the stories of his search for his wife that he tells his children in the year 2030. Ted and his four friends—including Lily and Marshall, each of them the other’s first love, Barney, a lucrative womanizer

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Ashton Kim

with no interest in settling down, and Robin, a news anchor with focus on her career—share countless happenings in the city and their favorite bar. The series concerns true love, obsession with settling down, compromising with reality, and grownups who can never quite grow up, much like Friends but from a more modern standpoint. Barney’s jokes and catchphrases such as “What UP!”, “Suit Up!” or the infamous “Bro-code” have had significant effects on many, and the references to the city make people dream. The only limitation of the series is perhaps its many inside jokes, hilarious to the fan but abstruse to any newcomers.

Chuck Lorre’s newest sensation, The Big Bang Theory, that captured everyone’s attention with its pilot, three years ago. As strange as the combination of characters may be, audiences can only describe the writers of this sitcom as genius.

Leonard, a fairly witty experimental physicist, and Sheldon, an antisocial, robot-like theoretical calceil.deviantart.com physicist are roommates, and meet with an attractive neighbor, Penny.

Jewish engineer Howard, and Indian astrophysicist Raj join in, adding to the show’s presentation of beauty and the geeks.

The series has combined humor with comic book references, science, and the world of science fiction and fantasy, capturing the attention of countless viewers. Leonard’s awkward yet clever behavior, Penny’s slow absorption into the geek world, and of course, Sheldon’s “Bazinga!” have all made their mark on TV history. Kick-starting its fourth season, the show will continue to highlight how Leonard and Penny will work out their relationship, and what love interests are in store for Sheldon.

Various sitcoms are made for people to sit down and enjoy for 20 minutes or so, thus giving them non-stop laughs in a short amount of time. It seems obvious that they have incorporated what we see and don’t see in this world and brought out the most amusing aspects of it, whether positive or dark.

Each generation of sitcoms shows a new side of life, a more entertaining version of life, and thus allows us to have a laugh whatever the problems or worries we may be having that day.

entertainment

Trivialities Facts that really make us laugh Luiza Justus

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“jiffy” is an actual unit of time.

Women are more prone to nightmares.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

A flee can accelerate 50 times faster than a space shuttle.

Vikings didn’t wear horned helmets.

Pixar characters blink one eye at a time.

A 13-year-old boy was struck by lightning at 13:13 hours on Friday the 13th.

As a child, Hitler wanted to be a priest.

It’s impossible to block Mark Zuckerberg on Facebook.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

The average tree can provide enough wood for 170,000 pencils.

The heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.

Human bones are stronger than concrete.

Mercury’s day is longer than its year.

There are around 100 million bubbles in a bottle of champagne.

The television was invented before sliced bread.

Clint Eastwood turned down the role of James Bond.

The names of the ghosts in Pacman are Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde.

Coca-Cola kills insects.

Olympic swimmers can consume more than 12,000 calories a day without getting fat.

Cows that are given names produce more milk.

Tug-of-war was an Olympic sport in 1920.

The human body produces about a liter of mucus every day.

Chewing gum is banned in Singapore.

The world’s tallest snowman was created in Bethel, Maine in 2008. It measured 122 feet (37.2 meters) and weighed

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• • • • • • •

•

• • • • • • • • • •

learnsomethingneweveryday.co.uk

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13,000,000 pounds (5,896,700.8kg).

The trucking company Elvis Presley worked for as a young man was owned by Frank Sinatra.

Approximately 60% of the water used by households during the summer is used for watering flowers and lawns.

Most domesticated turkeys are so heavy they are unable to fly.

A typical full-time worker in the U.S. with a four-year college degree earns about 62% more than a worker with only a high school diploma.

When it comes time to give birth, the female shark loses her appetite so she won’t be tempted to eat her own pups.

People spend about two weeks of their lives at traffic lights (probably more if they live in São Paulo).

Ants began farming about 50 million years before humans thought to raise their own crops.

The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

203 million dollars is spent on barbed wire each year in the U.S. Vikings used the skulls of their enemies to drink from.

Benjamin Franklin originally wanted to make the wild turkey, not the bald eagle, the national bird of the United States.

Shakespeare’s works contain first-ever recordings of 2,035 English words, including: frugal, critical, excellent, barefaced, assassination, and countless.

30% of Chinese adults live with their parents.

A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans.

Club Direct, a travel insurance company in Britain, provides insurance plans for protection from falling coconuts.

Donkeys are commonly used by Iraqi rebels to launch rockets.

Famous billionaire Howard Hughes stored his own urine in large bottles.

Fortune cookies were invented in America in 1918.

1 in 3 male drivers picks his nose while driving.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.

The average person spends three years of his or her life on a toilet.

The U.S. government spent $277,000 on pickle research in 1993.

The U.S. has more bagpipe bands than Scotland does.

The Yo-Yo originated as a weapon in the Philippine Islands during the sixteenth century.

the talon • 22

entertainment

Long Overdue Letters It’s about time someone wrote these...

Natalia Arenas The following is taken from www.dearblankpleaseblank.com.

Dear optimists and pessimists, I don’t care whether it’s half full or half empty, is anyone gonna drink that?

Sincerely, An Opportunist Dear Children, Please stop wondering what I am. I’m a star. You just said it like two seconds ago.

Sincerely, Twinkle-twinkle Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.

Sincerely, Unicorns Dear Soccer Fans, B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z! Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

Dear Lady Gaga, I’m pretty sure you were calling my name.

Sincerely, Alejandro Dear World, Guys! We just ran out of writing space!

Sincerely, Mayans Dear Seatbelt, I was just leaning over. We are not about to have a car accident.

Sincerely, You’re strangling me Dear Lady Gaga, I won’t be needing you to write a bad romance after all.

Sincerely, Stephenie Meyer Dear World, 15 cubic feet of wood.

Sincerely, Woodchuck

Dear Yahoo, I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it...” just saying...

Sincerely, Google

Dear Automatic Flusher, I haven’t even sat down yet!

Sincerely, Annoyed User

Dear Edward, This is why you were in Hufflepuff.

Sincerely, The Sorting Hat

Dear Lady GaGa, Lady: noun—a woman who is refined, polite, and well-spoken.

Sincerely, Dictionary

Dear Rose, There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.

Sincerely, Jack

Dear Reader, Yes, that’s it... Continue reading... Excellent.

Sincerely, Procrastination

Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black?

What happened?!

Sincerely, 1985

Dear Galileo, Looks like you were right... Sorry about that.

Sincerely, the Catholic Church

Dear Jelly, It’s time.

Sincerely, Peanut Butter

Dear Zelda, So yeah, whenever Mario rescues Peach, she makes him a cake. Just saying.

Sincerely, Link

Dear Neptune, Watch out. You’re next.

Sincerely, Pluto

Dear Awkward people, Please stop blaming me!

Sincerely, Turtle

Dear Ke$ha, Toothpaste works better than a bottle of Jack.

Sincerely, 4 out of 5 Dentists

Dear Time, Let’s get wasted.

Sincerely, Internet

Dear guy wearing camouflage in public, WE SEE YOU! Sincerely, Everyone Else

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Dear Hips, I appreciate your honesty.

Sincerely, Shakira

viva voice

Iroquois: A Journey to Find Oneself A story excerpt Yana Ahlden

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ARAH The wind whips my flushed face as I stare madly across the corn fields. Yellow, brown, and green shades mix together on plants nearly two-meters tall that sway in the wind that will bring snow and cold from the north.

Why did he do it? Why did he tell the truth for once?

Why didn’t he realize that the truth was the last thing that I wanted to hear? Is he that stupid? No, he’s not. He’s actually quite smart, but doesn’t have common sense, or doesn’t use it. One of the two.

I want my family, the one that’s really mine. One that doesn’t pretend to be mine. I wish the time could go backwards, I wish it could rewind. I want to do everything again. I don’t want them to ever regret taking me in. But it’s too late for that now. I know the truth and that’s enough never to go back to them. It’s enough never to trust anyone, ever again, because I know they’ll lie.

I remember Sundays, when Harriet and Oliver would make James and me dress up for church and tell us to be happy. They also said we had to sit two rows in front of them.

They didn’t want us to sit with them, but we never knew why.

I remember when someone came to visit James and I had to leave the house, but we never knew why. I remember when Granny visited. James and I had to eat in the kitchen and serve the adults, and Harriet and Oliver told Granny we were their servants. Granny didn’t believe them. She knew something, but we never knew what. But what we knew was that Harriet and Oliver were ashamed of James and me and that they didn’t want anyone to find out who and what we were.

“Sarah? I want to talk.” I whirl around to see James standing there in shorts and a sweatshirt. He looks really upset.

How could I ever be mad at him?

“Okay. Shoot.” He stares at me for a moment. When he doesn’t say anything and turns away instead, I run up to him.

“You know why I did it, Sarah?” he asks me, his voice shaking. Without realizing that he can’t see me, I shake my head. But he doesn’t need the answer.

“It frustrated me that they didn’t trust you,” he said.

I gasp without making a sound. Harriet and Oliver not trust me? They trusted me with everything. Affairs, fights, dreams, wishes, fantasies. Everything. And what about my brother? They never told him anything. But this.

He turns and looks at me. His brown eyes pour sadness, confusion, frustration, anger and hatred into me. I feel different, but I don’t know why.

JAMES The way she stands there—frozen, frightened—worries me. I want to hug her, but something stops me. It feels weird.

Standing there with her in the cornfield where we grew up together, where memories pour into us. Here we stand, our eyes set on each other, but we can’t see anything. We stand in silence. Then she turns her back on me. I can tell by her quavering voice that she is crying. Then she whispers: “I’ll miss you, James. I really will.”

“Sarah, what are you talking about?”

“You’re not the same person you used to be. Neither am I. I know the truth now. I’ve got a family to meet.” I want her to just turn around, forgive me, to help me forget everything I’ve said.

“I have to leave, James, and you know it. I can’t stay here.” Without another word she picks up her black leather rucksack from the ground. She looks at me over her shoulder and smiles.

“Good luck, James.” Then she runs. She runs away. I want to follow her but I know it’s pointless. She’s way too fast and she knows the fields and the forest better than anyone, apart from the Indians. She could escape anyone, anything, anytime if she wanted to. And she wants to escape me, my parents, her history, her childhood.

Everything that used to matter to her is now a reason to run away, something she wants to forget. I watch her go, her raven hair flying behind her like a cape. Going. Her feet thundering down on the floor like hooves. Going. Her frame becoming smaller every moment. Gone. The mist swallows her like a lion swallows its prey.

I remember the time she first came to us. I was five, she was two. Her black hair fell over her shoulders. Her skin was the color of an olive. She looked around frightened, confused, her little hands clasped tightly around her only belonging: a bright red and gold tissue that Harriet pulled out of her hands immediately. That’s when I first heard her cry. A low, wailing cry, more like a howl. It filled the room and gave me goose bumps everywhere. I ran towards her and hugged her as tight as I could so she would stop and so I didn’t feel miserable. She did stop. She looked at me and smiled. And at once I felt like a big brother.

I try to remember our games, our inside jokes, our birthday parties, our vacations, but just like she faded into the mist, these memories fade into grey, and I remain with nothing.

the talon • 24

sports

Back to the Viking Era, With a Hockey Stick The 101 guide to VikingBall Isabella Zevallos

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ne may remember the long-ago days of middle school History classes, endlessly watching the tick of the clock as the teacher talked endlessly about the Egyptians, Mayans, or even the Vikings. Yet, what one probably doesn’t recall is, for example, a Viking’s typical daily life or what physical activities or sports the Vikings played. Well, nor do I. But I’m willing to look in more depth towards a more modern Viking inspired sport: VikingBall.

Now, you might imagine that VikingBall is an extremely brutal sport or maybe even a sport in which competitors sail across seas trying to conquer European lands, you’d be wrong. VikingBall is a modified version of the ball hockey played in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. What truly distinguishes VikingBall from street hockey is not the presence of men in funny, pointy, Viking helmets, but rather the presence of a goalie who happens to be called the Viking. It is important to say that there is a defined set of gear, rules, court layout, and even tournaments that are sponsored by the American VikingBall League (AVL), from whose website (www.viking.com) all the information in this article was gathered.

Before anything else is said, one must understand how the game works. For one thing, the court or field has to be especially designed for the game: there is the Viking Box, in which “the Viking is allowed to roam throughout the game without incurring a penalty”, and its end line should extent to about halfway between the back wall and the center line; there is also the penalty box, which is the area behind the goal; there is the alley, which is the area on either side of the Viking box; there is a goal which is set at the end of the Viking box, which should have a 5’X5’ opening and is usually made of recycled fishing nets; and like in other sports, there is the goal line and the center line and, like in regular ball hockey, there is also the crease (which serves as a spot for goalies to stand on when defending against penalty shots).

The game starts with the flip of a coin to determine who starts with the ball. There are five players per team, one of them being the Viking and the other four the Runners. The team wins when seven points are scored, but there are multiple ways in which one could score: either by goals or hits. One can score by getting the ball into the opposing team’s net, yet the Viking who has just let the ball into his goal can then immediately (even if the other team is still repositioning) “quickly pick up the ball and throw it downfield” in an attempt to have his

team score whilst the other one is off guard. The other way to score is via hits: the Viking, within the Viking box, can hit the Runners with his especially-designed hammer on any part except the hands or the hockey stick, without letting go of the hammer when he first hits the Runner, of course; if he successfully hits the Runner, a point is scored. On the other hand, Runners can also hit the Viking’s hammer or shield out of his hands with their own hockey stick, or they can defend themselves from the Viking attacks by raising their hockey stick against the hammer, in which case the high-sticking rule (that of not raising the hockey stick above the waistline) is not applied, though the Runner must hit the hammer’s head (not the stick) for it to be a legal move. Yet, only “one hit can be scored by the Viking until the next throwin,” which means that a succession of hammer hits won’t award the team more than one point if the ball hasn’t been thrown-in by the opposing Viking. Penalty shots are awarded if inappropriate high-sticking, checking (marking players who do not possess the ball), intentional displacement of goal, hooking (using their sticks to prevent other players from moving), tripping, or infringement (when the Viking leaves the Viking box) occur. Each team has the right to request up to two time-outs, in which they can substitute players.

As one has probably already noticed, the gear is essential in this game: the ball is a simple, regular street hockey ball; Runners use regular street hockey sticks; players are advised “to sports goggles, helmets, mouth guards, support cups, full leg and knee guards, chest protectors, or some type of bulletproof bodysuit with a functioning life-support system.”

The Vikings have a special shield and hammer. The shield “is the Viking’s main tool for blocking Runners’ shots. It should have a relatively flat structure to maximize the surface area necessary to guard the goal. In standard play, the shield should be 30 inches in diameter.” The hammer is used to “help block the goal, hit the ball towards allied Runners, and hit opposing Runners to score points. The hammer is comprised of two primary parts: the head [which is made of high-density foam] and the handle.”

VikingBall is a rather complex game that has only recently come into existence. Will this sport, much like the real Vikings, be able to conquer lands overseas?

What truly distinguishes VikingBall from street hockey is not the presence of men in funny, pointy, Viking helmets.

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sports

No, We’re Not Crazy Waking up early during In Loco Yana Ahlden

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echnically speaking, wake-up call was at 7:00 AM. Everyone should have been asleep; athletes should have been enjoying their week off. Realistically speaking, my alarm went off at 6:00 AM; I met up with my teammate and a teacher to run, and I wasn’t the only Graded athlete who was making sure practice on the week after In Loco was a little bit easier.

For those who aren’t athletes this “week off” of training may sound great, except when you think about the week after In Loco. The week that followed the trip was the reason why we ran; it was why we pushed ourselves to wake up earlier that everyone else. We knew that if we didn’t, we would suffer during practice. Let it be said that not all athletes got up earlier to condition themselves. And to answer all of those who asked us the same question when they saw us running: no, we’re not crazy.

We may sound crazy, but from experience we’ve figured out it’s more beneficial to exercise during In Loco than to relax and face extreme conditioning the week we come back. That’s one reason why we wake up early and deal with being called insane. However, that is a general statement. When asked why he ran and pushed himself every morning, tennis player Riccardo Lemos replied: “If I don’t play tennis for more than two days and don’t exercise either, when I train again the problem is not really hitting the ball — that takes a matter of minutes to get used to again — but getting to the ball. Conditioning is everything in tennis. Even one day without exercise makes a difference.”

Conditioning, speed, and agility are key in athletics.

Even though it might seem as if atheletes don’t have to be quick on their feet for every sport, ask any athlete and they will tell you that all of these qualities make for a hard competitor. Conditioning on their own and pushing themselves doesn’t just give you the ability to run faster and for a longer time. As Riccardo Lemos said,“it also makes you feel accomplished and energetic for the rest of the day.” During In Loco Trips, there seemed to be a correlation between those who ran, those who didn’t, and their respective energy levels. Those who ran in the morning during the high-school trips were tired, but they also were the most of aware of their surroundings and the students who had the most energy throughout the day.

However, that doesn’t explain why some Graded athletes were able to wake up in the morning to run while some weren’t; it doesn’t explain why some athletes didn’t wake up to run at all during the entire week. Decathalon champion Ken Doherty once said, “The five S’s of sports training are stamina, speed, strength, skill, and spirit, but the greatest of these is spirit.” The students who did decide to set their alarm for 6:00 AM had spirit. They had a goal in mind and wanted to achieve it. All the athletes that were seen running in the morning were not forced to do so, but they instead chose to run. They ran because they wanted to and were willing to push themselves. But for what?

To answer that question, junior and guard of the boys’ basketball team, Patrick Bird, who woke up at 4:30 each morning, said, “I ran purely out of dedication of basketball, and so I could better myself for basketball. I also didn’t want day of ‘Purification and Recommitment’ to be a Julia Greenwald devastating shock to my body.”

Athletes ran for their teams and for themselves. Sure, it was difficult to wake up to the alarm clock instead of continuing to sleep. But when the athletes got through, their bodies thanked them because, as Patrick Bird said, it wouldn’t be such a shock when practice picked up again.

So there is the reason why some athletes decided to wake up earlier and train: to feel energetic, accomplished, and to ensure their bodies safety when practice came back around.

They wanted to be better, faster, and stronger. Mixed martial artist Hershel Walker once said, “If you train hard, you’ll not only be hard, you’ll be hard to beat.” Patrick Bird seems to believe in a similar ideology, especially after “Purification and Recommitment” day: “Today we ran crazy amounts. I don’t think that I have ever run so much in my life. I started out laughing, in the middle I was screaming and in the end I was crying, but as I walked out of the gym I felt accomplished, and I was not the only one. Everyone was working to the maximum their body could handle, and it’s through this pain and suffering that we as a team are bonded for life and work for a common goal; to deserve.”

Source for Doherty and Walker quotations: www.10ktruth.com

the talon • 26

sports

Ridin’ Dirty Athletes are no role models Fernando Lima

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his month, this humble author provides you with a list of athletes and their missteps, as well as their possible or real jail convictions. There is nothing here to make you laugh.

Nikolai Khabibulin – NHL Khabibulin is one of the best goaltenders in hockey in the last decade. He owns a home near Glendale, Arizona, where, during the past season he passed most of the time because of a back injury. Under the influence of alcohol, he took his Porsche out for a speedy spin and was arrested. He was sentenced to one month in jail. The irony is that he plays for the Edmonton Oilers. Edmonton is in Canada.

Edmundo – Soccer Edmundo is one of the most controversial soccer stars ever to play the game. In 1996, he was driving drunk and crashed his car on a street in Rio, killing a person. He was sentenced to serve six years in jail, though nothing has actually happened until now.

Gilbert Arenas – NBA Gilbert Arenas was caught with guns in the Washington Wizards locker room, a violation of The NBA conduct codes. Not only did Areans have guns but, worse, the guns were illegal. This cost Arenas two months of his season and community service hours.

Mark Bell – NHL During Labor Day weekend 2006, Mark Bell had the brilliant idea of taking his car out for a ride after a party. He ended up rear-ending a truck at a stop sign. The truck was thrust forward 15 meters before wrapping itself around a telephone pole. The driver was uninsured and unlicensed, and suffered multiple head and back injuries. Bell served a six-month sentence after that season.

Michael Vick – NFL Recognized in Ice Cube’s Hood Mentality, Michael Vick has the longest police report of all sports. The strangest incident of them all was the dog-fighting change. Vick promoted dog fights on his estate to earn extra money. He was charged and expelled from the NFL. He served 23 months at a federal prison in Leavenworth, Kansas.

Pacman Jones – NFL Also mentioned Ice Cube’s masterpiece, Hood Mentality, Pacman Jones symbolizes everything that is wrong with the NFL, according to analysts. Also having a long rep sheet, Jones was

27 • the talon

suspended for a year and a half, and sentenced to 100 hours of community service after an incident a strip club. Jones and rap artist Nelly were patronizing the club that night and started to the act of “making it rain,� that is, showering the stage with 100 dollar bills. The club owner instructed his employees to pick the money up. When a dancer was doing her task, Pacman slammed her head on the floor saying that she did not have permission do that.

Ricky Williams – NFL Mentioned in another of Ice Cube’s works, Smoke Some Weed, Ricky Williams was a prime running back for the Miami Dolphins. After testing positive for marijuana in two drug tests, he decided to retire from football, due to the strict conduct policies of the NFL. The next year, he moved to California and got medical prescription for marijuana. He beat his addiction through yoga and is now the starting quarterback for his old team the Miami Dolphins.

Tank Johnson – NFL He served a four-month sentence for possession of illegal firearms in the state of Illinois. His legal troubles involved an incident in which his bodyguard got killed, another occasion in which Tank was caught carrying firearms in to a night club, and a third event in which he was pulled over for speeding. A test later released that stated that he was over the permitted blood-alcohol level when caught speeding.

Dany Heatley – NHL In another instance of reckless driving, Heatley, one of the most prolific NHL scorers of the past decade, killed his teammate Dan Snyder in a car accident in 2003. He lost control of his Ferrari 360 Modena and hit a wall. Reports say that the car split in half. Heatley was sentenced guilty to all charges and served a sentence of four years in probation in Atlanta.The judge required approval of his next car, which was to have no more than 6 cylinders (Heatley would not able to drive faster than 110 km/h).

Corie Blount – NBA Arrested for receiving and transporting eleven pounds of marijuana, Blount received a one-year sentence in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Three guns and more marijuana were found in his three cars and house as well. He served his sentence and then retired from professional basketball.

sports

Twitter’s Athletic Top 20 Athletes and their unpredictable Twitter accounts Fernando Lima

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he Talon’s very own sports section provides you a few laughs with a list of some of the best tweets by athletes: “Just valet parked in Compton. I’m now thinking I probably should’ve asked to see some credentials‌â€?

(Joffrey Lupul - NHL) “Hope Caps give Belanger that $. I know a lot of things we can do with an xtra shmill in da bank. Homeless people would b bawlin’ outa control� (Paul Bissonette – NHL) “What are the vegas odds on how long I last on twitter?� (Paul Bissonette – NHL) “Yall knooew biye my tweets dat I kant spell. L oh el�

(Shaquille O’Neal – NBA)

twitter.com

hind me who is snoring so loud that everyone is looking at him laughing.â€? (Scottie Upshall – NHL) “I have to apologize‌ for my pour speeling on hear.

Hopefully my grade 6 English teacher Mrs Bitner is not following me.� (Joffrey Lupul – NHL) “I was medium. But I kidding I embraced the nerds.

Had to get homework done somehow.� (Paul Bissonette – NHL)

“Oh man im starving like hell. I didn’t eat breakfast or lunch just so i could get a large meal at this fan dinner.

Should b cool.� (Chad OchoCinco – NFL)

“One of my tp packages was environmentally friendly stuff. So I’m saving the world while dropping food babies. Now I need solar panel speedos.� (Paul Bissonette – NHL)

“@Adam_Schefter DUI is a sport in Cali� (Warren Sapp – NFL)

“Real men don’t eat honey. They chew bees.� (Gilbert Yvel – UFC)

“Must‌ get‌ back‌ in‌ shape‌â€? (Apolo Anton Ohno – Ice Speed Skating)

“Buffalo’s offense looks like Donald Trump’s hair!! Not so niiiice!� (Matthew Barnaby – NHL)

“Michael Phelps & USA swimming team r eating breaky beside me. Never thought I’d be star struck by a guy who wears speedos for a living.� (Scottie Upshall – NHL)

“I have like 10 anchors holding my shoulders together.

I look like Robocop in this brace.� (Hope Solo – Soccer)

“The best part of Wall Street 2 was the 20 mins I fell asleep.� (Joffrey Lupul – NHL)

“Oh yea and after lunch I had experience to learn how to cook sushi! Awesome experience! I don’t want to brag but, I was unbelievable.� (Victoria Azarenka – Tennis)

“Off to pick windows, tile, and faucets for my new pad, wtf? I don’t say this often but, I wish I had a gf right now.� (Joffrey Lupul – NHL)

“Back. My credit card is probably gonna cry today. Lol.�

(Victoria Azarenka – Tennis)

“If you think you’re angry, you’re not‌ compared to Mel Gibsonâ€? (Joffrey Lupul – NHL) “Tweeting from 30,000 ft. because there is a guy be-

the talon • 28