si s a n a ly r u O er s, er, i n g. O r d e r t ph i lo s oph on s u m f c o , s a in g r in A l ge b t e s , a n c i e n i l a nc e g y Gr e e t i c v n t a a tha ”F ca r ds us a de “A i n gs of A l a n w it h i n r i g G e m e b e h r t ay o ri dt i on B e h o l f r o m t h e w u t -t o w n w h i s i o n s . It m c o n s i d e r a t o c s s rd b e d i c i o u e m a ny h a d e r i v e a n d m a n- a t o b e t t e r d u j y b s r, ed r ’t b b r e w e a u r a nt le a d i on , fol lo w r e c a n ide t he d i ne e e h T t t . g a s e t h e r e e s o f e l i m i n e z i n g z o n c a n h e lp g u s a r i l y c h a n t , s th es ss an pr oce y a r r ive i n me for mu l a les w i l l nec he r est au r a s l t o l s of i ab u st t o f i n a r u le s , b ut h e v a r t h e q u a l i t y e h o u s e. J e v e , T . l t s a h , a e e t a nd f r y’s sl t t e r m e c u s t om e r w d t o b e a t a e s b r a e d a dv nt of t h sh re t ow a r up a n ap p oi nt m e s t a st es ne mu st be k e c i h t b ut l d is he t r . O w it h rger y, m e nu t e v a l u a t e t o r p o t e n t i a u e s h n t i br a us a ct a nd nu . ’s not s p y m e r s h o u ld f t r I e . p k f a me u o n t i t a as r e u d o a nd t er a n mo s t ses t h e v e le c t i n g fo o d e t t i n g t h e p u r p o on g t e s n o t e n t e m i r wh e r t a i n h e ap pl i c a t om e a t s n s e i r e s fo ee t w in t her w i n g i o t g u a r a nt n go o d c h o o l l o f lt i sn T he c y do e i n w i l l r e s u I NG! n N a R F A ” e W “A er Gr a d e e s c r i b e d h on ly. d c ip l e s o f p r i n s e. ca e ver y
The Algebra of Ordering An
unfamiliar menu is like a roulette table. There are lots of choices, but you can’t put your chips on all of them. In roulette you can bet “straight-up” (I just got thirsty) on a single number, say, 23, but there is only one chance in 37 you are going to win. You could also bet on a set of two, three, or four adjoining numbers; red or black; odd or even. Each of these bets will lower the odds of your losing—although they also decrease the payout for winning. This isn’t really the right metaphor, though, because with each turn of the wheel there is precisely the same chance for any single number to come up a winner. Obviously that doesn’t happen in a restaurant; if the meatloaf is king on a Tuesday, it is unlikely that the broiled haddock will suddenly triumph on Wednesday.
Maybe reading a menu is more like reading the Daily Racing Form. You are handicapping the different offerings in hope of finding the dish that can win. And if you are in the race for three courses, maybe you can pick a trifecta; win, place and show! Sometimes the safe bet seems prudent and you put your money down on the favorite. The rib-eye at a steakhouse? That’s such a sure thing it isn’t even gambling. Sometimes you have a hunch about a long shot, and then the payoff is big! But what if you are at an unfamiliar track, confronted with a card full of nags the history of which you know nothing? What, pray tell, to do? The first inkling of this quest began when we discussed the tricky task of choosing a salad dressing. We realized that habitually ordering what we wanted—a simple vinaigrette—was resulting in a slap in the face. Unless we were in a really outstanding joint, the salad too often arrived in a sauce so vinegary it smarted the lips. Greens are supposed to be good for you, but eating a salad shouldn’t be a “no pain, no gain” situation. It’s hard to understand why something as basic as a vinaigrette can be so rotten so frequently. Maybe the cook takes the name literally and fashions it wholly from vinegar—so what are you, too cheap to throw in some olive oil? When the dressing is “Italian”
you can bet you’re in trouble: it is forever fated to taste exactly like the flavor-packet shaker gizmo with corn oil, water and dry oregano. For too many years, most of us thought that was salad dressing, and a salad was a penance. Not surprisingly, “Italian dressing” is basically bogus; if you are in Italy there is olive oil and vinegar on the table so you can do-ityourself. So we’re talking about the phony-baloney American version. We don’t even consider ranch; that’s what jocks order, and what’s more it is a total bullshit flavor perpetrated by Big Salad Dressing. Blame it on Dubya, but I could not eat any ranch dressing past the year 2000. House salad dressings are almost always horrible. They have to make it “special” for you so you’ll tell all your friends about the amazing food at Mario’s (this is a hypothetical Mario’s, not intended to represent any real Mario’s, living or dead). So they make it all fruity, or sweet, or ridiculously garlicky—whatever they do, they do too much, and then drown the poor greens until your salad plate resembles a Superfund site. And so, the problem in a nutshell: how to avoid salad dressing disaster? You need to assess the situation to beat the odds.
Begin with this easy example. Most adults don’t need to be told that in a diner or coffee shop, one does not waste time gazing at an eight page menu of stock photographs and trendy come-ons. You order the solid, time-honored favorites: eggs, grilled cheese, BLT, patty melt if it’s offered, or regional specialties. That is simple, do we agree? But throw this into the batter: it can become more complicated when you are in a different locale or an untested establishment. For instance, New Yorkers should think twice about tuna or chicken salad in America where mayonnaise is a primary ingredient and not just a Here is a scenario taken from real delicious moist adhesive. life. We were at Neary’s and ordered salad, because one wants to be good to It is also good to keep in mind how one’s colon. Glancing around at the modern trends, in both technology roomful of white heads, we thought and taste, can screw up diner classics. about how endearingly old-fashioned Ask before you order: Do you nuke Neary’s is—not just the everyday your pie into a heap of steaming jacket and tie ambiance, but the meat goo? Are the French fries dusted and potatoes menu, too. There was no with musty chili “seasoning”? And, reason the salad dressing shouldn’t remember, if you don’t smell coffee, go with the aesthetic of the place. So you’re not going to taste coffee. We we bravely ordered Russian dress- still order it by reflex, but if it comes ing. It seemed like the right thing out of one of those Mr. Coffee-style to do, even though we hadn’t had it auto drip machines, it may as well on a salad since we were kids. And be melted brown Crayolas in a 95% it was perfect. That got us thinking water solution. about how these crucial decisions are made. How can we read our own Beating the House desires and the menu in front of us at The following are some general ideas the same time, and how often do we on how to get the most out of a menu. make the best choices?
Jumbo Size Menu > Possible Great Dishes The smaller the menu, the better the chance of a bigger payoff. Large menus may seem like a boon—look at all those choices! But really, your odds are terrible. One might say they stink on ice.
onnaise, they can improve even the saddest icebox-cold salad.
The Crazy World of Salad Dressing As earlier mentioned, after years of enduring jarring vinaigrettes we learned that in old-fashioned or nonfancy restaurants, Thousand Island, Russian, or blue cheese are the clear winners. Tempered with may-
While we’re talking macaroni, do you always choose the spaghetti side if you’re in an Italian fried seafood kind of establishment? I know, you think you should have the vegetable for a well-rounded meal but come now, you’ve done this before, think
The Happy Pocket Value System You are in the mood for a chop or steak but don’t feel like $plurging that night. “Eat pork chops, young man,” as Horace Greeley might have said, if he had thought of it. At two thirds the If you are in the corner coffee shop price of the average steak, it is the don’t waste time contemplating forty cheapskate’s delight, your value bet. different wraps or pasta dishes you know will be sub-par. The red flag And speaking of value, garlic bread should go up when a small-time greasy is for suckers. They are betting that spoon has big-ticket pretensions. you are a chump who will shell out a As the writer and meat fancier Paul premium for some oil and garlic Lukas wondered out loud, when con- smeared on yesterday’s bread. Unfronted with a menu the size of the fortunately, it’s considered irresistNew Testament in a humble coffee ible party food and if you’re out with shop, “Who orders the T-bone?” a crowd you’re sunk, so eat a slice, enjoy its oozy crunch, and continue The Specialty with the merriment, please. Process of elimination decision-making is easy when you’re somewhere You know what else is for suckers? with a specialty. I think you know Pasta. The markup is enormous, so what you’re having at Roscoe’s House save your bowl of pasta primavera of Chicken & Waffles. At a steakhouse shoveling for a night in with “Jersey you just choose whichever cut they’re Shore.” We take that back if you are known for. And you’re not going to at a place celebrated for their fromorder a bagel and an egg cream in scratch noodles. That would be the New Orleans, are you? aforementioned specialty.
about your wagering. Odds are the anything deep fried. They just have vegetable will be wet and bland, and the superior equpiment and the time the spaghetti will be a winner. for these jobs. Not to mention they pay people to clean up the mess. Another When In (insert country here) example is eggs Benedict. Nobody You have doubtless noticed that wants to make hollandaise sauce a French restaurant knows how while half-asleep. to cook a steak. It can seem like a boring meat-and-potatoes-Dad $ and ¢ in Relation to Value cop-out to order a steak in a saucy Beware the middle-of-the-road. It place but in fact it is a Grade “A” is a dangerous place to be. Family option, and we have seldom been restaurants and chains are anti-luxe disappointed by doing so. anti-treats, and they’re no bargain, either. Whether it’s genuine corpoWhen dining in an Italian restaurant, rate hellspawn like Chili’s or Ruby don’t order chicken if you don’t like Tuesday, or, even sadder, an indie a paillard. Pancake flat is what they knock-off of the genre, the horror do. I don’t. Similarly, avoid steak in will be the same: peeking under a a Mexican or Colombian restaurant rubbery blanket of melted cheese unless you like your meat well done. to find your entree; college-town The cuts are usually thin and will be “Mexican” or southwest-styled dishcooked through; not that it won’t be es that are essentially baby food for tasty, but you have to be prepared. drunks; tired staples like wraps or ersatz Caesar salad with chicken; Restaurant Food > Troublesome Home and flavor trends like chipotle everyCooking thing…served in a “bread bowl” Sorry, Alton Brown, but some things whenever possible. This kind of are jus t r e s t a u r an t f o o d. A f e w fare may make good copy on the food items that professionals do better service trade sites, but, ew. Likethan you, in a home kitchen, can do, wise, the imaginative drinks on are prime rib, baked potatoes, and their cocktail menu would leave you crying in your beer if only you had been smart enough to order beer. There is nothing in the middle-ofthe-road but a giant rip-off. One night when stuck for time and out of options we actually looked at the menu at T.G.I. Friday’s. (I know, how
can we, editors-about-town, admit this in public?) We figured it would just be a forgettable meal never to be spoken of again, but were shocked to find how horribly overpriced that hellhole was. The risk was too high; we bolted. Pinch Here, Blow There When pennies must be pinched, it is sometimes smart to reserve your cash for a big payoff. Some nights, the big bucks are better spent on a fine cocktail in a deluxe setting followed by a cheese sandwich at home. A favorite dodge is a jolly round at Sardi’s, followed by one course at the Sabrett cart. Speaking of Drinks It must be five o’clock somewhere so here are a few notes on the question of beverages. Classic = Cocktails Back before the cocktail craze of the aughts, we discovered that nine times out of ten, if the bartender is over sixty, you are going to get a decent cocktail, and a white shirt and bowtie ups your odds over a logo-encrusted polo shirt any day. A crisp jacket or red vest seals the deal. If it’s a steakhouse, we’ll wager a good cocktail is coming.
Simplicity, you know? Grill a steak, bake a potato, mix a Martini. Small menu, big payoff. Patronize a lounge where the silverhaired set tipple and the prices are probably set in amber. Plus they won’t laugh if you order a whiskey sour. Bottled sodas instead of a soda gun says the joint has some amount of interest in your welfare. The soda gun is a vile contraption that fouls all. Highlife Tax Never order cheap booze in a highend joint, kiddo. You are going to get mightily screwed. The markup is bigger at the low end so the
last thing you want is Budweiser. Make that Martini with Junipero, let’s say, or Hendricks. Or here’s one to try if you’re feeling lucky: don’t call your liquor. The finer saloons got too much class to sully their reputations with rotgut, so the well is plenty good for the likes of us.
Location Scout: The Algebra of Ordering Beverages Everywhere As with dining, the Algebra of Ordering beverages varies according to the type of establishment. Satisfaction can be attained by considering the venue:
Local In a neighborhood bar or an old man bar, stick to beer, a shot or a highball. If you see regulars with cocktails then you’re in the clear to order one, but don’t expect fashionable liquors Nasty, rancid olives are dished up or elaborate drinks. We can report with shocking frequency; it never excellent success with Seagram’s 7 fails to surprise us how many seem- Manhattans. ingly fine establishments neglect this elementary ingredient. Therefore, Creaky Classic unless you’re somewhere depend- In a vintage restaurant, you’re okay able, order a twist. Although maybe with cocktails but the wine may be you should specify lemon twist. Oh iffy. A good indication is the beer boy, we’ve received lime twists and selection. If they haven’t got it tolemon wedges more times than we gether to offer something more intercan count. The down side in asking esting than Budweiser or Heineken, for a twist is watching the bartender chances are they haven’t paid any take the lemon wedge out of the gar- attention to their wine list since the nish tray and pull the peel off with Reagan administration, either. her fingernails. That, my friend, is class. (Alcohol kills germs, alcohol House wine in a very good French, Italian, Spanish or Greek restaurant kills germs, alcohol kills germs…) is usually correspondingly good. In an old-time Italian place, the house More ≠ Better A dazzling array of by-the-glass wines wine can be astonishingly sour and and tap beers does not delight us. thin. You gotta wonder. Is the pox on Not all will be great, not all will be at you for not shelling out for a serious prime time, and, yes, we are childish: bottle? we are simply annoyed that we cannot try them all. Garnish Appraisal When it comes to olives or a twist, well…are you sitting down? This could take a while.
Airport In t h e t r a n q u i l c o m f o r t o f t h e common schlock-rock spewing, fastfood-scented, flat-screen infested airport bar, wine will cost twice the price of beer but will doubtless be hot plonk. (Hot plonk should henceforth replace “hot mess” as the horrible trendy nonsense phrase of the moment.) Plain ol’ beer or a shot are once again safest, and there is often some crazy deal to get a Paul Bunyan portion. But beware cocktails. Not because it won’t be a stellar beverage; it won’t, you know that, you’re in the airport. We’re talking about getting fleeced. There can be some crazy calculations when the tab arrives. From a menu that said “all cocktails” one price, we were charged double because there are two liquors in a Manhattan. I knew my solid argument of the definition of a cocktail would not be greeted warmly. Newfangled Novelties In a newfangled cocktail lounge, we naturally get sucked into ordering some original concoction. While that can be interesting, it’s seldom satisfying, and rare we would ever want to buy the same again. There are exceptions, of course; extraordinary places will offer extraordinary recipes, but these fashionable cocktail places, almost by definition, have to promote gimmicks rather than simple quality to bring in the punters. The sad truth about the exotic
cocktail racket is that there really aren’t a lot of great things to try. Any drinks manual you pick up will have hundreds of recipes, most are just silly fantasies that no one will ever drink, certainly not twice. That is a swell strategy if you’re writing a book on bartending and you need to fill pages. Not so great if you are actually trying to sell a menu you have “curated” to feature your incredible creative mastery of the mixological arts to real people, because then you really have to be good to come up with a drink as satisfying and timeless as a Martini or Manhattan. For the second round we invariably order a classic, and it’s usually beautifully prepared. So, here’s our Grade “A” strategy; reverse the order. Go classic on the first round to scratch the cocktail
itch. Now for the second round it’s safe to try something goofy. It takes the pressure off an “eh” novelty drink to fully satisfy. Think of it as dessert after you’ve already laid down a solid base. By the way, we call them “newfangled” cocktail bars to avoid the nausea induced by the overuse of “artisanal” or “craft.” Unfortunately for the Algebra of Ordering, it’s tough to sort out in advance if you are going to get your money’s worth—that is, are top ingredients and real creativity going to come together in a glass of liquid heaven? And to be blunt, will it justify a colossal price tag, pretentious ambience and a twenty minute wait? Or is this joint going to be all mustache and an empty shaker? I wish I had an angle for telling the difference, but I’ve been fooled time and again.
son who is currently behind the bar can make them. These might be the artistic products of some bar-star who only works Wednesdays and never trained tonight’s bartender how to make them properly. But whomever is behind the bar should have at least mastered the standard Martini and Manhattan. You order the classics because the recipe is already perfect. All we can say is give your bartender the once over, and trust your instincts. And remember, no matter what dump you’re in, Scotch whisky, neat, always works.
Further Research You may find it hard to believe, but despite years on the boulevards and in the cafés, there are still codes to decipher and systems to crack. The Algebra of Ordering remains a work in progress. For instance, The Special: how can you tell if it’s a dark horse, or crowbait (what the chef wants to get Consider the Source rid of because it’s quickly going off?) The bottles behind the bar could And How To Interpret The Word of once be a clue to the sophistication The Waiter: is his advice expertise or of the establishment, but no more. flimflam? Is she friend or foe? How Take as an example an East Village would the smart diner best phrase a dump where the vast display of high- question to get the inside info instead end whiskey bottles led us to believe, of a bullshit frosting snow job? even though the bartender herself looked less than competent, that we For now, let the chips fall where could order a Manhattan. Ha! Was they may. But if they fall on the floor, we wrong that time. remember the five second rule. Also, a list of house specialty drinks does not necessarily mean the per-