ASK Karis

ASK Karis

Dear Karis, My son has ADHD and autism spectrum disorder. How do you discipline, or guide, a small child who lacks impulse control?

– M. in Phoenix, Arizona

Dear M.,

Your question is one I receive frequently. Parenting is hard. Parenting neurodivergent children is even harder. Yes, they are a gift and their unique ways of thinking and relating to the world remind us of the diversity of God’s creation, but the challenges this presents for them and for us doesn’t always feel like a gift. I have ADHD and so does my daughter, so I speak from personal experience.

You are not alone. Many parents of neurodivergent kids struggle to find effective ways to parent and discipline their kids, and methods that work for neurotypical kids often fail to produce the desired results for our kids who have differences like ADHD, autism spectrum disorder, or sensory processing disorder.

You mentioned a lack of impulse control, but focus, executive function, time management, and socialemotional skills are also areas where neurodivergent kids may be developmentally different from their peers. This results in our kids struggling with their behavior both at home and at school.

While this list of recommendations is nowhere near exhaustive, there are a number of interventions that can help you set your neurodivergent kid up for success and allow them to live to their full potential. They are easily remembered using an acronym: T.R.E.A.T.

TREATMENT

While conditions like ADHD, ASD, SPD, and learning disabilities aren’t diseases, they often manifest symptoms that cause our kids significant suffering. For that reason, the very first step we need to take is to seek to mitigate that suffering with treatment. Counseling, medication, occupational or physical therapy, and special education can help alleviate some of the symptoms that cause them suffering and free them up to live happy, meaningful lives.

Parents cannot do this alone. We need to assemble a team of people like doctors, therapists, and teachers to help our kids thrive.

REMINDERS

Neurodivergent kids have brains that function differently, and often this means they lack or are delayed in developing the executive functions in their brains that come naturally to neurotypical people. That’s why our neurodivergent kids need reminders. Verbal reminders can be helpful, but when these executive functions of their brains are lacking or delayed, it’s most helpful to find ways to take these functions from the ethereal realm into the tangible world. Lists, flow charts, calendars, chore charts, and even fun gadgets like buzzing digital watches become indispensable tools that help our neurodivergent kids help themselves.

The goal is to develop several layers of visible, sensory, and auditory reminders that cue our kids to tasks, behaviors, and skills that help them accomplish their daily goals. This might be a poster on the wall of their bedroom with a flow chart displaying the tasks they need to complete to get ready for school as well as a timer to help them pace themselves successfully.

Our kids want to do well. They want to be successful in the things they do, and if they aren’t doing well, it isn’t usually because they are trying to misbehave and ruin our day; it’s because they are lacking something…a skill, a tool, or the support they need to do better.

EXERCISE

Exercise helps everyone, but our neurodivergent kids need it even more. Exercise secretes biochemical compounds in our bodies and brains that help us relax, focus, and feel happy. But exercise isn’t just running on a treadmill or lifting weights at the gym. It can be playing a sport, taking a walk in nature, pulling weeds in the garden, or busting some sweet dance moves in the kitchen!

In addition, unstructured play is extremely important for our neurodivergent kids’ brain development and health. Giving time and space for our kids to use their imaginations and creativity in ways that are unscheduled and unstructured allows them to decompress and engage with their senses. Don’t be surprised if this sometimes looks like our kid throwing dirt clods against the back fence for forty-five minutes!

ACCOMMODATION

When we talk about accommodations, it’s important to remember that we celebrate our neurodivergent kids’ differences. The world would be bleak without our musicians, artists, architects, scientists, inventors, and comedians, who are often neurodivergent people. I don’t like to use the word “normal” to refer to anyone, but embedded in the term “neurotypical” is the idea that there is an average or typical way that most people think and function, and the world is structured around the average to ensure that it caters to the most people. This means that we need to create “on-ramps” for our neurodivergent kids.

Just like a wheelchair serves as an accommodation for someone with physical limitations, we need to look for ways to accommodate our neurodivergent kids’ brains. Think of these accommodations as a “wheelchair of the mind.” This might play out as extra time to complete tasks; a quiet, calm space to decompress; breathing exercises; sensory toys; simplifying routines; or adding stimuli like music or white noise.

The most important question we can ask ourselves is, “What would help my child be successful right now?”

Remember, our kids want to do well. So, if they aren’t doing well, we must be on the lookout for ways to accommodate their differences so that they have a mental, emotional, and physical on-ramp to success.

TRANSITIONS

Neurodivergent people have a greater-thanaverage difficulty with what psychologists call “perseveration.” This is the ability to stop doing one thing and begin doing another. In other words, transitions. Transitioning from doing a jigsaw puzzle to writing your spelling words; getting out of the bath and getting dressed; going from the noisy car with music blasting into the library.

We can help our kids with transitions in a number of ways. First, giving our kids advanced warning that there is a transition coming gives their brains some lead time to anticipate change. Second, reviewing expectations and timelines helps them understand how they should

behave. For example, “We will be arriving at the hospital to visit Grandma in a few minutes. The hospital is a place where people aren’t feeling well so it’s important that we use quiet, calm voices and that we move gently and don’t run or roughhouse.”

Finally, it can be helpful to do what I call a “vibe check.” Transitioning between feelings and emotions can be challenging for our kids. Doing a vibe check can help them assess how they are currently feeling and verbalize how they’d like to be feeling. If they are angry, help them identify the feeling and ask if they’d like to spend some time outside to help them feel calm.

BONUS TIP:

Neurodivergent kids benefit greatly from positive reinforcement. Because our differently-abled kids have to live and function in a world that isn’t designed for them, they can start to get the idea that everything they do is wrong. Noticing the ways that they are doing well and complimenting their character goes a long way in affirming that they are beautiful human beings who were designed by God for an incredible purpose.

When we give our kids the freedom to be different, we don’t just tolerate those differences but celebrate them! God’s love for us isn’t tied to our behavior or functioning. He loves us in spite of our flaws and challenges and delights in our diversity. You can represent that same love to your children by providing them with discipline that takes their unique design into account.

All is grace,

Karis Kimmel Murray is the author of Grace Based Discipline and senior editor of Grace Based Home magazine. She lives in Scottsdale, Arizona, with her daughters, dogs, and too many cats.

If you have a discipline question for Karis you’d like her to answer in this column, please submit it to family@gracebasedfamilies.com with the subject line: Ask Karis