helped keep you going when maybe you felt like quitting? Marcella There was not even a thought about quitting, really. You know, it’s interesting – working class women throughout history just expect more of ourselves. Because we don’t have a choice. When second-wave feminism is like, “Can you have it all?” You’re like, “My mother worked, her mother worked – what the fuck are you talking about?” Malaika Yeah. I mean obviously, that’s something that black women feel like white feminists missed in those first couple of waves of feminism. We didn’t get to vote until after them. And a lot of black women saw it as a luxury to have to question: Do I stay at home? Do I go out and work? Maybe now that there’s been generations of college educated black women it’s more of an option for us. But when middle class white women were struggling with that choice it just seemed absurd to a lot of other women. Marcella It’s implausible for me still. Malaika It is totally unfathomable for me, too. And so, you’re right. I think there’s a whole classist issue with that. Working class women are like, what do you mean, can you have it all? I just do it all. I don’t have anything. I’m just doing everything. I don’t know what you mean. So that’s where you’re coming from. I’m pregnant and I still have these assignments due. Marcella Right. And my professors, especially my thesis advisor, just got it. He’s from a black working class family in Chicago. He got it. And also, I thought, what is making these other students uncomfortable? it’s not a hatred toward me. They’re uncomfortable with their own childbearing capacity. Maybe they’re uncomfortable with being confronted with their own biological limitations. My pregnancy is raising an issue to them that’s uncomfortable. They don’t want to be a jerk to me. Malaika It’s also your audacity. How dare you not fit this poor stereotype? How dare you have children in the prime of your fertile years and continue to go to school, and be totally
unapologetic about it? It’s really a revolutionary act to be all of these things at once. Marcella I was just like, we’re going to do this. So then, we have Valencia. Her dad stayed home with her when she was a baby. I breastfed her at night. I’d be writing my reading responses and breastfeeding her while I’m on the computer typing with one hand thinking, if the other students could see me now, or if my professor could see me now! Malaika Oh my god, it’s a stark contrast to what other 20-something college students would be doing at that time. And you had a toddler too. Marcella: Yeah, most of my college experience was with an infant and a toddler. And there were always little things like the car that always broke down; or our slum landlord was always trying to evict us; he was always taking me to court. Malaika Holy shit. How were you coping with it all? Were you in any type of therapy, or were you trying to do any type of emotional work? Marcella No. That’s another interesting thing. A lot of people in recovery communities think that you need to stay away from triggers, just like in trauma. Avoid triggers. But I had no other choice of where to live. One of the most helpful things I’d ever heard were not things that were emotional, and not religious, but when people talk sort of scientifically about trauma and addiction. Those things are the things that have stuck with me. And someone said, the more you’re exposed to a trigger, the less powerful it becomes. So I used to say to myself, this is like boot camp. I don’t feel anything about this anymore. It’s not triggering because I live here every day. We don’t have the luxury to be triggered or have trigger warnings. You know? I mean, there was a man who was shot to death directly in front of our apartment and Carmelina was like right there. She doesn’t remember because she was too young, she was maybe less than two. And this guy was just shot to death in broad daylight, right in front of our door. And we couldn’t use the front door, it was taped off. You know, there was no trigger warnings about drugs or substance
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