4 minute read
Attunement
from June 2021
Gò0dNews for Everyone
Attunement
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by Heather Medley, LPC
“When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled” (John 11:33). Attunement is the word that psychologists use to describe the ability to “tune in to” or recognize and engage another’s emotional state. It happens when someone makes space for another person’s feelings and connects with their emotions without trying to correct or change how they are feeling.
Attunement is one of the cornerstones of healthy, successful relationships. It leaves a person feeling seen and cared for. It helps build trust and strengthen bonds.
We first learn how to attune from our primary caregivers in childhood. An attuned mother engages and responds to her baby’s cry, and as a result, the baby’s mirror neurons create pathways that allow the baby to one day grow up and attune to others. Isn’t that amazing?! Attunement can look like this: A child begins crying because he does not want to put his toys up and go to bed. A mother responds by tenderly making eye contact and saying, “It makes sense to me that you feel this way. It is hard to put things away when it is time to go to bed. I am here with you, and it is okay to cry.” Sometimes, parents are afraid or too busy to make room for a child’s emotions, but oddly enough, research has shown that feelings are more easily and quickly moved through once they are recognized and engaged with attunement.
Here is another example: A spouse feels angry by something that happens at work and expresses their anger. The other spouse responds by saying, “That sounds really hard. I can hear that you are angry. Thank you for sharing this with me.” In Scripture, Jesus often displays examples of attunement, but my favorite is John 11. In this passage, Mary and Martha have sent for Jesus because their brother Lazarus is sick and about to die. Jesus, knowing that He will raise Lazarus from the dead, does not hurry to the sisters, and by the time he arrives, Lazarus is dead. Mary and Martha are full of grief, and both greet Jesus with the words, “Lord, if you had been here my brother would not have died.”
The way Jesus responds is amazing. He does not shame the women, He does not tell them they have no faith, and He does not dismiss their pain. Instead, John 11:33 says that when He saw Mary weeping, “he was deeply moved in spirit,” and later, in John 11:35, it says, “Jesus wept.” Jesus knew that He was minutes away from raising Lazarus from the dead, yet He acknowledged the grief that the sisters experienced and engaged it with them. He attuned to them. I am thankful for a God who attunes and who models for me what it looks like to attune to others.
About The Author Heather Medley is a licensed professional counselor, speaker, and published author. She loves neuroscience research papers, bargain shopping, and laughter. She resides with her delightful kiddos and steady husband.
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