Setting the Record Straight

by: Grace Reid

Dear Fairytale Readers,

Hello everyone. I’m here to set my story straight. Now, The Brothers Grimm had good intentions in writing their famous story, “Snow White,” but they exaggerated and took many artistic liberties, without consulting me first. And don’t get me wrong, The Brothers Grimm are great guys, but they were about 18 years old, shorter than most of the other guys, and desperate for any attention whatsoever, so they decided to follow me around and write about me for their English 1101 class. Apparently, normal old Snow White was a little too boring for a creative writing piece, so they made their observations a little, flowery, let’s say.

First of all, there was no “Evil Queen” and “Magic Mirror” that told her that I was “The fairest in the land.” I was with the president of my sorority at Woods University, and we were getting ready in her bathroom. It was just a regular old mirror, and I think she suddenly got really insecure because I looked pretty good that night. Her doubts about my looks versus her looks were apparently validated in her mind, because when one of the Grimms were interviewing me for their literary piece, he asked me, “How does it feel to be the prettiest girl in Phi Mu?” He was just joking or flirting, I’m not really sure though. Anyways, little Miss President got really upset, and told Grimm to escort me out of the house because I was no longer a Phi Mu. Why did she get so upset, you ask? No one really knows, not even my psychology major friends.

When I woke up in the morning, I realized just how messy the room I slept in was. As I opened the door, I quickly noticed that the mess was not only inside Doc’s room, but throughout the entire frat cottage. Everyone else was asleep, so I decided to tidy up for them a bit, since they let me spend the night. That’s when Grimm came over to check on me, and he took the idea of me cleaning for the guys and ran with it, as can be seen in the original “Snow White” story. As the entirety of Kappa Dwarf woke up and came into the kitchen in search of food, I realized that they all had dwarfism. I guess I hadn’t noticed since it was so late and dark when I first went through the house. And let me get one thing straight; I did not regularly clean for the KDs. It was just that first morning, but the frat was very welcoming of me staying with them indefinitely, even without a cleaning agreement.

Now, I’m going to talk about the most infamous part of the “Snow White” story–the poison apple. Instead of an “evil queen” disguised as a ragged old lady bringing me an apple that would put me to sleep, it was the president of Phi Mu who brought me a fruit basket as an apology. Of course, I bit into my favorite fruit first, the apple. Don’t judge me, but at the time, I had recently developed an allergy to apples and completely forgotten. Well this time, I had the most severe reaction I had ever had to the bright red fruit, and I went into anaphylactic shock. I didn’t fall asleep, I just couldn’t breathe, and there was no “Prince,” just a pre-med student who happened to have an EpiPen on him. He also happened to be super cute, so we did end up together for a little bit.

And that’s the end of it. As you can tell, the Brothers Grimm took hold of my pretty normal, non-magical story and ran with it. Their flowery language and use of symbolism left a mark on the world, and on my reputation. Either way, I hope that this explanation has helped a few of you to see how my story, and my life, really played out.

Sincerely, Snow

White.