Kerala Varma

As a former ghost, I don't like irreverent drinkers hurting the religious sentiments of ghosts by asking questions. If you believe in ghosts, please practise your faith without asking questions. Don't be stupid like an atheist asking believers to be sensible. But as I have a hunch that you're good material for transformation (we don't usually use such long winded words) into an entertaining ghost, I'll answer your questions.

1. Does everyone who dies become a ghost? No. Only honest people with a good sense of humour become ghosts. Dishonest people with no sense of humour but endowed with a huge sense of self-importance go straight to heaven.

2. How exactly do ghosts spend the daylight hours?

We sleep during daytime. Haven't you ever been to Las Vegas?

3. Do ghosts need to eat/drink and carry out other bodily functions? No. We're permanently drunk like Obelix with the magic potion, and we simply imagine other essential body functions like sex (much like what humans do with porn sites). Some dirty human minds have imagined the act of a ghost walking into another ghost as copulation.

4. What happens when one ghost meets another? As we don't have to drink and make love (as explained above), nothing happens when a ghost meets another.

5. Do Cupid/KaamDev feature when they meet? No because we ghosts don't believe in love, which is a human weakness.

Kerala Varma: He hails from Chirakkal (Kannur), Kerala, is a former Deputy General Manager of State Bank of India and lives in Chennai with his wife Chitra. He is an amateur writer, who believes in “simple living, simple thinking”, welcoming enrichers of life like love, humour, long walk, the river, sea, mountain, books, music and Internet and avoiding complicaters of life like greed, anger, ambition, sentimentalism, sexism, god, rituals, religion and superstitions.