N O N V I O L E N T C O M M U N I C A T I O N _______________________________________
It is helpful to recognize a number of common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings: 1) Use of impersonal pronouns such as “it” and “that”: “It really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures.” “That bugs me a lot.” 2) Statements that mention only the actions of others: “When you don’t call me on my birthday, I feel hurt.” “Mommy is disappointed when you don’t finish your food.” 3) The use of the expression “I feel (an emotion) because . . . ” followed by a person or personal pronoun other than “I”: “I feel hurt because you said you don’t love me.” “I feel angry because the supervisor broke her promise.” Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel . . . because I . . .”
In each of these instances, we can deepen our awareness of our own responsibility by substituting the phrase, “I feel . . . because I . . . ” For example:
1) “I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in our public brochures, because I want our company to project a professional image.” 2) “Mommy feels disappointed when you don’t finish your food, because I want you to grow up strong and healthy.” 3) “I feel angry that the supervisor broke her promise, because I was counting on getting that long weekend to visit my brother.”
The Needs At The Roots Of Feelings Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated Judgments of others are expressions of our needs. If someone says, alienated expressions of “You never understand me,” they are really our own unmet needs. telling us that their need to be understood is not being fulfilled. If a wife says, “You’ve been working late every night this week; you love your work more than you love •
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