Embracing Imperfection B y
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s a recovering perfectionist, resolutions have always beckoned to me as the ideal time to finally make myself ideal. In January 2017, I set out to be as fit, strong, and athletic as possible. A short four months later, I slid back into an eating disorder that I thought was far behind me. Unfortunately, they thrive on obsession, perfection, and results. It was euphoric, until I came close to dying. That summer, I began my journey of acceptance when I agreed to get professional help that I couldn’t receive at home. At the time, it felt like a failure, but residential treatment changed me in unimaginable ways and let me find my authentic self—not the perfect image of my own creation. So, I have taken a huge step back from “perfect” and now focus on the inherent value of my work—does it convey the message that I want? Does my dance choreography sink into the music rather than appear “forced” to fit? Are my words thoughtful and caring? I cannot control other people’s perception of me, but I can control the intent behind my actions. I could say that I have pushed through the past year by my own strength and sheer willpower, but I only survived because I learned to accept the hand I was dealt, ask for and receive help graciously, and stand firm in my faith that God has my back.
ANDREA MADELEINE PHOTOGRAPHY
“Transformation isn’t sweet and bright. It’s a dark and murky, painful pushing. An unraveling of the untruths you’ve carried in your body. A practice in facing your own created demons. A complete uprooting before becoming.” – Victoria Erickson
Emily is a co-owner of Dance Tonight Knoxville. She is passionate about using her time & talents for the community.
42 KNOXVILLE STYLE MAGAZINE
One of my favorite and most-repeated Bible verses is Romans 5:3-5 about rejoicing in suffering as it produces endurance, character, and hope. I lived this truth the past year while suffering more than ever before, but I also have more hope for my future than ever before. A few examples, my two-year-old little boy endured open heart surgery and thrived in recovery (the doctors correctly predicted that his energy level might double!). My own medical set-backs changed my career path, but I’ve been called to do meaningful work in the community that I love. Each time I received potentially devastating news, I felt exhausted and unable to face another challenge, but after taking time to rest and reflect on what God has done for me, I scrape myself off the floor (or out of bed) and carry on with a restored spirit and renewed plan. In this beautiful season of reflection and hope, let’s be grateful for what we have and be gracious to ourselves. Speaking from experience, I believe true, lasting, meaningful change is messy, painful, terrifying, and very un-perfect. Presenting perfection to the world will not change you—embracing imperfection will. s