Sylvia Tan My dance with life and death

I crossed between two realms once. I went to the other side in the climax of pleasure and bliss. There, she handed me the keys to safeguard. Then, she whispered to me the secret and told me to go back. I shall hand her the keys when she arrives.

That night, I returned with the weight of life in me. But what was the secret? I heard it but I didn’t understand. It didn’t matter at the time. I imagined multiple universes with her. For the first time, I truly believed that I was not alone.

Even so, this dance with life was heavy. So heavy I didn’t think I could carry it by myself. I tried to speak to her, ask her for guidance. But I could only hear the echoes of my own cries and the silence that followed.

And my fears eventually got to me. But I didn’t give up because of fear. But because fear showed me I wouldn’t be ready for her when she arrived. So I dug a hole in my heart and buried her keys deep within.

I didn’t know the dance with death was thunderstorms until then. And in my weeping, I heard the secret again. I understood it this time. My daughter whispered to me, “Dance with me, mama. The life of my death will hold your hands forever.”

Words by Sylvia Tan (she/her) @imrongamirite

Artwork by Moana Mourie (she/her)

To Sylvia, her baby and their dance together

Watercolour