The law of in-laws

heart Talk

Hold your Position

by Morayo Fawehinmi

Afriend invited me to the inauguration of his brother as the president of the noblest philanthropic organisation in their community. Being an occasion that is usually attended with pomp and pageantry, all hands were on deck in preparation for this august occasion. No expense was spared.

Finally the D day arrived, and as I sat at the vantage seat reserved for me by my dear friend I looked forward to all the fun of the day. To my utmost surprise, the celebrant was invited to the high table accompanied by his MOTHER!

While I was still trying to gather my thoughts, I heard the MC announce the names of his four siblings (all married ladies) inviting them all to join their brother on the high table. As they were all seated, the ceremony commenced with the opening prayers. I sat there dazed, with unbelief and disgust written all over me as I watched the mother sitting confidently beside her only son, grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire cat, pride, possessiveness and an air of achievement all around her, even my friend too!

I looked around for the celebrant’s wife and I saw her obviously uncomfortable, where she sat, abandoned, and I was more shocked that nobody saw what was to me an unpardonable offence! This is definitely wrong. A wife’s place is beside her husband, it is her DIVINE POSITION.

The question kept leaping at me for answers. Why is everybody comfortable with this? Why is the wife not insisting on her right? Could it be because she is not a native of that community?

Perplexed, I did what I normally do when I’m confused. I sent a frantic ‘knee-mail’ to heaven. No sooner had I clicked the sent button in my heart, than the reply was released to me. For the next thirty minutes or more, I tuned my heart to the revelation from the throne of grace, lost in my own thoughts, oblivious of the topsy-turvy around me. HOLD ON TO YOUR POSITION would be the apt summary of the message. Let’s share the nuggets from the above as we download the reply to my ‘knee-mail’.

God is a God of order and the principle of position is one of the fundamental issues in God’s value system. This principle is reflected in the GODHEAD where God the father, God the son and God the Holy Spirit occupy three very distinct yet seamless positions. When God created mankind, He instituted the family unit and then established specific positions for family members.

Understanding God’s mind on the principle of position (the theology of position) would enhance the outworking of our relationship in every facet of life. Every position is an office, irrespective of its nature and there is a definite anointing to run each office. Every position also has the potentials of a calling from God who always equips those He calls. Invested in each position are authority, power, and responsibility. The average man as a result of his split mindset fails to recognize these facts and subsequently never avails himself of the inherent divine investments in positions.

The disposition of certain posi-

tions is a function of age, time and or dispensations while others have intertwined authority and responsibilities operating flawlessly. The most excellent example is the trinity. God the father had the pre-eminence in the Old Testament dispensation. God the son in the new testament while the present day dispensation is for the outworking of the Holy spirit, yet they are three in one and one in three and operate a seamless rule since eternity past.

Having established the significance, place and relevance of the principle of position in God’s order in general, there is the need to x-ray its application to our area of interest at this juncture. It is an understatement to infer that the root of much of the problems associated with the in-law issue is position tussle!

What a difference it would make if everyone understands the theology of position. If every mother would continually bring to her remembrance her yester years in the office of a wife, and every wife likewise will choose to look ahead of her future promotion to the office of the mother-in-law, then the sacred in-law relationship would be rescued from the mire of this malignant abuse! My dream of a world filled with pleasant in-laws would up grade on the reality scale.

Every parent needs to understand and accept the nature of his or her office. The authority and responsibility of a parent over the child ceases when he or she gets married, though the position as a mother or father is for a life time. Such knowledge should motivate parents to invest much prayer in the lives of their children, even from the tender ages, to ensure they find God’s chosen spouses.

Mothers especially should learn to pass the baton to their daughtersin-law joyfully and trust God that these wives also wish the best for their sons. Likewise, the son should be bold enough to cut off the apron strings of their mothers.

It is note worthy to mention the fact that some wives create issues for their husbands when they refuse to allow their marriage covenants to severe the spiritual umbilical cords from their mothers. Men married to such daughters are usually faced with challenges in the area of exercising their authority. The example of a beautiful transition of position was demonstrated in the story of Isaac, recorded in the book of Genesis.

What peace we often forfeit because we have not learnt to take our positions. I would like to share the story of a household which lacked peace until one woman decided to hold her position. This story might play out like a fiction but it was true to life.

A certain mother lived with her son for 17yrs and there was never a moment of peace in the family. The wife despised the idea of the live-in mother-in-law; she was very hostile and unaccommodating. The mother

felt the wife was incompetent and therefore not fit to take care of her son and grandchildren. They lived like cat and mouse, with the poor man torn in between the two of them.

At every available opportunity, the mother was quick to remind the wife of her precious maternal investments in her son. She would proudly relate how her womb was the nest where the man was incubated in the gestation period of his life, and how he was nurtured to life at her breast, claiming a world record of ‘baby friendly’ programme because according to her, ‘she nursed her son for six years!’

According to the story, this went on for years until one day the wife threw in a joker which permanently shut the mother-in-law’s mouth and probably opened her eyes to reality.

On this fateful day, as the mother in law started her tirade of maternal boasts, this desperate wife took her on squarely. It was a big drama as she jumped up, and began to undo the buttons of her blouse to the surprise of every one present. She blatantly told her mother-in-law off, claiming she had no jurisdiction when it came to breast issues. According to her, the mother in-law only had six year tenure at the business, but she, the wife had not only been in the business for seventeen years, she was still good to go for a life time!

She was restrained from removing her bra by her embarrassed husband and sister-in-law, in her attempt to prove her claims to her dumbfounded mother-in-law. I laughed till my sides ached in protest, the day I heard this story. I was told that that was the last

anybody heard of any quarrels between these two women.

Of course, I do not advocate the need for such dramatic displays in order to hold unto one’s position; however, I couldn’t help but agree that at times only the violent would take it by force.

I am also reminded of a wife who did not allow her husband and the sister to eat from the food prepared by the live-in sister-in-law because her husband would not stop giving his sister the housekeeping allowance instead of her. The issue had been a long standing one and the poor wife had had to go to a catering school to sharpen her culinary arts in other to meet up with expectations. She had complained to

God is a God of order and the principle of position is one of the fundamental issues in God’s value system. When God created mankind, He instituted the family unit and then established specific positions for family members.

by Eyiyemi Rogbiyin

ageing Gracefully

As the Bible says, ‘there’s a time in life for everything.’ For women there are a lot of things we can’t get away with once we attain the age of say 30 - 40.

Can you imagine a 40 year old woman in a micro mini? It doesn’t matter how great her legs are, you’re bound to think to yourself if not to anyone else: why is she not respecting her age? Right?

OK, so some of us are bolder than others but when and how do you draw the line as you get older?

As you get older, you have to work harder to maintain your glow as your skin and hair are also ageing.

The rule to Remember is that LESS IS MORE in terms of make up application, skin exposure as in no cleavage on display, no legs on display etc.

You need to keep your skin hydrated always, as skin tends to get dryer as you grow older. Use Olive oil, Coconut oil or Shea butter. Drink lots of water. This cannot be over emphasized.

Hair for most women as they grow older becomes a bother. The solution for most women is to have their hair cut low, as this is easier to maintain.

You could wear wigs for that special occasion or if you prefer long hair, you could go natural and weave or matt your hair every couple of weeks.

Wardrobe is a personal decision for all women as it’s a matter of taste. Clothes tend to become loose fitting and darker in colour as one gets older.

You can wear form fitting clothes as long as they are not tight and can also use accessories with a bright piece like a scarf, jewelry, bag or shoes.

The look you should aim to achieve is timeless and classic. If you look around, you will see a few examples of beautiful women ageing gracefully.

You need to keep your skin hydrated always, as skin tends to get dryer as you grow older.

Ancient beauty therapies

The age of information explosion may have proven to be more of a curse than a blessing to the present day woman as it relates to making choices of what beauty product to use. What, with the plethora of skin care products from foreign lands, each with a promise of working wonders on your skin, face, hair, hands,…, one is hard-pressed to make realistic choices that would yield the desired result.

However, things needn’t be as difficult as that, if only we can look more carefully. Around us and at minimum cost are timeless beauty products that have worked and are still working miracles! Do you remember the Shea butter(ORI),Coconut

Oil (Adi Agbon) and OLIVE OIL?

These 3 products all have the natural God given essential working elements that we need for lovely looking skin and hair. Interestingly, they also form part of the base for those imported creams we scramble to buy.

They nourish dry skin, have softening properties, can be used to alleviate joint aches and pains, protect your skin from the sun, can reduce the appearance of dark spots, blemishes and stretch marks, can be used as bath oils for that relaxing soak, as massage aid and for lovely long thick manageable hair.

So what are you waiting for? Just ask your mum or better still, your Grandma to get your stash of any one of the products listed above and you’ll be making the best decision of your life.

Enjoy!

Natural Essential Working Elements

~ Shea butter(ORI) ~ Coconut Oil (Adi Agbon) ~ OLIVE OIL

Hair styles

For children, matting or ‘didi’ is best, as it doesn’t pull the hair too tightly and thereby puts no pressure on the scalp. Also ‘calabar’ or big braids without the hair pieces are good for kids. Ribbons, beads, hair clips can be added to further beautify the hair.

For Teenagers, weaving is advisable as it lasts a bit longer but should not be done too tightly as this could cause bumps on the scalp.

for all ages

Adults have a wide range of stlyes to choose from. There are all types of weaving like the Ghana weaving, braiding like the million braids, twists, weave on, perming, curling, dreads, wigs and of course going natural.

Keeping it short!

Long straight bob.

Nice upswept look. Ghana weaving Glam look.

Tomi Soyode

Despite all Odds

Interview by Bola Olawale

She became an English graduate at the age of eighteen, got married at twentysix, and began her banking career at twenty-nine. But it seemed that some of the kindness life offered Tomi Soyode, the 45-years-old banking executive, was going to be marred by the sudden death of her husband five years after her marriage. Fourteen years after the tragic incidence, the banking executive employed by UBA PLC, one of Nigeria’s leading banks, has not only made great gains of her condition as a single mother but found purposeful living as a woman. She relates the pains of her early loss, the challenges of building a career and raising a child, and enjoying the grace of God in carrying on her life’s purpose even in the circumstance.

GEM: How have you been able to juggle motherhood with your career pursuit especially, being a widow? T.S: Only this morning, I told a friend of mine that children don’t come with instruction manuals. You simply learn to raise them as the days go by. God’s grace has been abundant upon my life. People talk about the fact that my daughter is so well brought up, only God could have made that possible.

Motherhood has come with various challenges at different phases of my life, particularly given the demands of my job. It is expected that any child who grows up under such condition will be shaped by circumstances. With a doting mother who is there all the time, some say the child tends to become very dependent, relying on her mum to make everything available or possible. That hasn’t been the situation in my case.

My daughter grew up among adults, and while I’ve had several people living with me over time, she remained the youngest among them. As a result, she matured a little faster than her age, and became more independent.

GEM: Your daughter was only 5 when your husband passed on-the same year you began building your career with the organization. What has it been like this past years? T.S: My daughter is 18 going on 19, and for most of her life. For most of her life, she has known her mum to be a career woman. GEM: The Banking profession has been a major challenge for women in regards to managing the home and raising children. Would you say you made it this far because of your status as a single mother? T.S: I would like to say that everything has been because of God. Even if you sleep and wake with a child 24/7 (round the clock), it takes only God to raise him or her properly. This is because children can be very unpredictable especially, as teenagers. You never really know what is going on in their lives - they spring up all sorts of surprises.

There is no doubt that there is greater pressure on family life now that women have had to take up more demanding jobs such as Banking like their male counterparts, creating a situation in which the father is never around and the mum is also not there. By the time both get to meet at night, they hardly have enough time to find out what has been going on in the home.

GEM: How then did you get by? T.S: My experience taught me to show love but not over pamper my child, or compromise her ability to exercise good judgment, and it has worked out for me.

I believe it is good for children to enjoy some degree of independence, at least, enough to give them a sense of responsibility for their own lives, and decisions, of course with guidance from adults around them.

Prior to the time my husband died, my daughter had

come to enjoy her father’s attention, being the only child. He doted on her to the point of almost making her an idol. I always had to work full time as a paid employee while he ran his own business from home, so she was used to seeing her father as the “loving parent” while I was the disciplinarian.

After the death of her father, I guess the shock made her…let me say, elicited all sorts of reactions from her. She went through physical changes and suffered some degree of emotional trauma. I had no choice but to cultivate my own relationship and become closer to her, and I think that became the key.

I believe the answer, is for parents to build friendship with their children, whatever the age. If you’re friends to your children, you can discuss a lot of things with them and that way you get to find out what’s going on in their lives. God has made it worthwhile for me, because even though I didn’t have all the time to spend with my girl, whatever time I spent with her was quality time.

GEM: Is that no longer the case? T.S: Now that she is more of an adult it’s a bit different, our friendship is on another level. You know the way it is with two adults, we fight but get to make up. I guess we are continuously rediscovering our friendship.

GEM: Were there practical steps you made to make it all work out? T.S: Practical steps? Well, one thing I have learnt is that It is not the amount of time that one spends but what is achieved within that time. You’ll find out that for most of us who get to work feel so tired by the time we get home and only half heartedly ask if they have done their homework. It is all about instructions: ‘have you done this? Have you done that? What have you not done? and so on. At the end, there’s hardly any bonding with the children because you have had only 30 minutes with them before bedtime and adding nothing of value.

Now that schools have become so competitive in our environment, it is all about doing homework, taking extra lessons, all adding up to more pressure on the children.

They have very little room to enjoy themselves and when they remember that mummy will be home soon, they have nothing really to look forward to.

GEM: How do parents manage this problem? T.S: My advice to younger parents is not only to create a balance between work and the home, but to build a bond with their children. Do things you enjoy. Am very busy, there’s no doubt about it, I work hard, but when you come to my house at the weekend, you’ll find out that I spend whatever spare time I have doing things that I enjoy AT HOME, and that’s what really gives me pleasure. I am not a party person, so I guess that helps.

GEM: How long were you married before you lost your husband? T.S: Okay! I guess now we are delving into more interesting territory. I was married for five years, though we knew each other about two years before we got married. I got married before I became a Christian, he wasn’t then a Christian either and that created its challenges because we argued a lot. Only God can ordain the coming together of two people from totally different backgrounds, with different lifestyles, that expect to live peacefully under the same roof and live happily ever after. I mean, it’s really a mystery. My marriage was very challenging. As a matter of fact, it was in an attempt to cope with the challenges that I became born again. Somebody invited me to church and when I got there, I asked the Lord to help me experience some calm. I later found out that being married to an unbelieving husband also created its own major demands, but one thing that made it a whole different experience was that my husband and I were friends. We were two different people, with different values but the friendship we developed before we got married was sustained and that added great value for the short time we lived as husband and

I believe it is good for children to enjoy some degree of independence, at least, enough to give them a sense of responsibility for their own lives, and decisions, of course with guidance from adults around them.

wife. The way things were after our first year together, may have ended up parting ways if not for God and the friendship we had. I am an advocate of friendship before marriage because, when the stars have gone down, it is the friendship that keeps the relationship alive.

GEM: At what point did your husband become a Christian? T.S: A year before he died, he gave his life to Christ. He saw that whatever I was doing was working for us as a family and for our marriage.

He managed to stay on the straight and narrow road after that. Our last year together was so blissful but was cut short by his sudden death. Still, I am grateful that I had that period even though it was really short compared to the other years of our marriage. Memories of our last moments have remained with me.

GEM: Is that why you never remarried - did you remain a widow by choice? T.S: I don’t know how to answer that question. I don’t want to say it was by choice or design- perhaps it is a combination of both. I became a widow at 31 and a year later, everybody thought that the natural course was for me to remarry and being a very domesticated person, many assumed that I was better of becoming a wife again. I love home cooking and always seize every opportunity I have to do one or two things in the kitchen or do normal things that a home maker likes to do.

A few years after, I had very strong desire to get married again, given one or two possibilities but which never got any far for various reasons. With each passing year, my views on… or should I say the qualities I wanted in a man appeared to increase and that perhaps is because God develops our character and depth as we grow older. What you thought was okay years back suddenly seems inappropriate, or out of taste and you wonder how you ever came to thinking you could live with this or that person in the first place.

I felt it was important for me to marry a man that I would look up to since I was now mature and had somewhat advanced in my career, which some Nigerian men often see as an issue. I really didn’t think that I should marry just for the sake of marriage. Considering the fact that I am approaching another phase of my life, I’ll like to call that the second half (I’ll be 45 soon by the grace of God). Children are not on my radar right now, I have one biological child but several other children that I look after.

Of course, loneliness has been an issue but God has brought me through it and I’ve learnt to enjoy my own company and have found joy even in my single state. There are times when one feels low and anxious about the future; you start thinking okay, at the end of the hard work; you need a companion, someone to share the rest of your life with and grow old with.

Life should never be put on hold permanently on account

of bereavement. God is a God of restoration and can make all things new. Learn to continue doing things that you enjoyed as much as possible. Keep a positive outlook

and firm conviction in God’s ability to bring some good even out of bad situations.

GEM: Are you open to marriage - it’s not a no go area? T.S: No it is not. I simply tell God it will only happen if it is the right person. May be it is because I’ve grown used to my own company and think perhaps, if I go back to living with someone, it could mean a complete change of lifestyle. So, it must be someone who is worth my while and can make me give up my independence.

GEM: Do you see God’s hand in the whole matter? T.S: Everything is about God. Sometimes, I imagine what it would have been like if I wasn’t born again, the new people I have met along the way, my parents in the Lord and things like that. Life would have been so different.

God took me through some of these things so that I can be an encouragement to others in my state. I’ve met some young widows along the line and I let them know that they can get through life and come out on top with God. I am not a Superwoman; it has been all about God’s grace. It is not a pleasant experience, and if I was to write the script of my life, it would have been different but God knows the end from the beginning. Widowhood is different from never having been married. Even with someone you quarrel with everyday, once that person goes out and you suddenly find yourself with no one to quarrel with, you still miss the person. After all, anger is only an emotional expression.

GEM: How do you advise we counsel young widows since there are times when words don’t seem enough? T.S: Not every situation is exactly alike. Emotions are different and people react to situations differently. This is one of the reasons God has carried me thus far - to reach out to other widows and talk to them about God’s sufficient grace.

One of the most important things people must bear in mind is allowing widows grieve properly. I realized that it is a common norm in Nigeria, for everybody to come around you when something happens. They offer prayers for you and encourage you not to cry. I think it is wrong because people need to express their pains. Worse still, it is usual to see people flocking around your house immediately the news goes out and after a while the faces disappear. It is like plunging a person into cold water after a hot one; suddenly reality dawns that you have to face life by yourself.

I am talking based on my experience. Widows must always be prepared for the time when they would be left alone. At the end of the day, nobody can walk that road with you except God. Not even another widow can share your grief or hold your hand, only God can. He alone is the comforter.

The second thing to bear in mind is that children also grieve, but the attention is always on their remaining parent. The children who have suffered loss of their father also have to learn to adjust to life without him. Sometimes we think overprotecting the children is the answer and that brings different reactions from the children.

Never build high expectations about anyone, if it comes, great. At least, there will be no disappointment if it doesn’t because you will never really know what people can do or are capable of. I have been shocked getting all kinds of propositions from men who were friends of the family and close associates….clients, all manner of people. Three weeks after my husband died, a man told me how sorry he was to hear the news, then he said he had always wanted to have me as his second wife, and now the coast was clear. Can you beat that? That day, I thought I was going to die, I was so shattered. You would not believe that man kept at it for more than 3 years.

You also get to know the heart of in-laws and relatives, and believe me, even those you expect to watch your back, can stab you. There is no use depending on anyone but God.

The watchword should be I am dependent on God because my expectations are of Him.

GEM: What is the way forward for widows? T.S: It is important to pick yourself up and get on with life, God helping us. Life should never be put on hold permanently on account of bereavement. God is a God of restoration and can make all things new. Learn to continue doing things that you enjoyed as much as possible. Keep a positive outlook and firm conviction in God’s ability to bring some good even out of bad situations. There will always be adjustments to be made in view of the fact that one suddenly finds you are no longer part of a couple, but it is still possible to live a fulfilled life as a single person.

GEM: Are you aggressive in your career? T.S: All I can say is I do my best to enjoy work, but I would say again, that God has made all the difference. He has brought me thus far and will continue to lead me towards His ultimate plan for my life in Jesus name.

GEM: Who is your ideal man? T.S: My ideal man for marriage is someone who is intellectual, spiritual, matured and can influence me, as well as share a passion for the things I enjoy.