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INMEMORIAM

Thisissueof Geist isdedicatedinmemoriamtoJoCook,StevenHeightonand NorbertRuebsaat.Theirindividualcon-

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Lettersmaybeeditedforclarity,brevityanddecorum.

EldredAllen isanInukphotographer fromRigolet,Nunatsiavut,NL,who hasgarneredattentionforhisexpansive andstunninglylitscenesoflandscape andwildlifeinhiscommunity.Hisphotographs’compositionandcolouring elevatetheireverydaysubjectmatterto theextraordinary.FindhimonInstagram@The.SmallLens.

EruomaAwashish isfromthe AtikamekwNehirowisiwNationand grewupintheOpitciwancommunity. Herartisticapproachistoimprintwith spirituality.Sheaimstocreatespaces ofdialoguetoallowforabetterunderstandingofFirstNationscultures.The decolonizationofthesacredisatthe heartofherpractice.Sheiscurrently settledinPekuakami(LacSt-Jean,QC) andherstudiocanbefoundinthe MashteuiatshIInucommunity.Findher onInstagram@Eruoma_Awa_Rebel.

NicolaMacNeil isamixedmediacollageartist.Herworkisinspiredbyher loveofephemeraandforgotten momentsofthepast.Sheisonanendless huntfornewmaterialtouseinherwork. ShelivesinVancouver,BC.Findher onInstagram@NicolaMacNeilArt.

SondraMeszaros explorescounternarrativesoffemalesexualityinher work.TakingcuesfromfeministperformanceartandDada,herworkinvolves aconstantarchivingandre-presentationofcollectedreferencematerials.By usingfeministandpsychoanalyticlenses, sheaimstodisturb,renegotiateand reclaimtherepresentationofwomen andthefemalefigureinimage-making. ShehasanMFAfromtheUniversity ofWindsor.ShelivesinCalgary,AB. FindheronInstagram@SMeszaros.

BrittanyNickerson (she/they)isalensbasedartistwhoseresearchandpractice usesautoethnographytoexaminepatri-

archalstructuresofarchiving.Through aQueerperspective,Brittanyaimsto disruptandreconfigurehistoricalnarrativesinherfamily’sarchive.Shehas anMFAfromEmilyCarrUniversity ofArt&Design.ShelivesinMohkinstsis(Calgary,AB).Findheratbrittanynickerson.com.

DebraRooney isaretiredgraphicartist wholivesindowntownVancouver.Her cartoonsandillustrationshaveappeared in Kinesis, RadioWaves, Herizons, Xtra! West, ThePeak, OutofLine,HEU Guardian,CUPE PublicEmployee, VancouverSun, VancouverFringeFestival, Wimmin’sComix andthe BayGuardian.She enjoyspokingfunatquiteafewthings.

FarihahAliyahShah isalens-based artist.Usingphotography,videoand soundinstallation,herpracticeengages photographichistoryandexploresiden-

tityformation.Sheisamemberofthe Gallery44CentreforContemporaryPhotographyandWomenPhotograph.She hasbeenexhibitedinAsia,Europeand NorthAmerica.ShehasaBFAfromthe OntarioCollegeofArt&DesignUniversityandaBHRMfromYorkUniversity.ShelivesinBradford,ON(Treaty 18).Findheratfarihahshah.com.

AdrianStimson isaninterdisciplinary artistandmemberoftheSiksika(Blackfoot)NationinsouthernAlberta.He haswonnumerousawards,including theGovernorGeneral’sAwardforVisualandMediaArtsin2018,the REVEALIndigenousArtsAwardin 2017andtheQueenElizabethII GoldenJubileeMedalin2002.Hiswork hasbeenexhibitedacrossCanadaand theworld.HehasanMFAfromthe UniversityofSaskatchewan.Findhim atadrianstimson.com.

NOTES&DISPATCHES

SaintJoseph,PatronSaintofBad Pronunciation

DEBORAHOSTROVSKY

ScrapeeverylastbitofEnglishoutofyourthroat

EverysecondThursdayIwalkto Outremonttoseemyorthophoniste. Iliketothinkofmyorthophoniste,a speechtherapist,asatherapistinthe psychologicalsenseoftheword.This isbecauseIdon’treallyhaveanydiagnosabledisorderofspeech.WhatIhave isanaccent.Mydesiretochangeit seemstoindicateanothertypeof pathology—thedesiretofitin—rather thanaclinicalneedtocorrectdifficultieswithsyntaxoramotorspeechdis-

order.(“Sheisbilingual,”statesmyofficialevaluationfromtheorthophoniste. “Shewishestoreduceheranglophone accenttofeelmoreatease…”).

InitiallyItriedtoseeanorthophonisteonRueSaint-Joseph,afourlaneboulevardnearmyapartmenton thePlateau.Saint-Josephislinedwith theofficesofrealestateagents,psychologists,naturopaths,osteopaths, hypnotists,doctorsandorthophonistes.It’snotfarfromourlocalpublic

school,whereIfirstspokewiththe soft-spokenstafforthophonisteImet whilevolunteeringatthelibrary. We allhaveaccents,shereassuredme. Besides,soundinglikeanativefrancophonespeakerisrelativetoyourgeographicalpositionatagivenmoment intime,likebeingaBelgianinDakar, oraQuébécoisinToulouse,she explained.ShewasborninFrance,so shehadanaccentdifferentthanthe oneyou’dhearinRimouski. Beeasyon yourself,shesaid.

Still,Istartedsearchingalong Saint-Joseph.I’dbeingoodhandsifI couldimprovemyaccent,Itold myself,onastreetnamedafterthe earthlyfatherofChrist,apatronsaint ofadizzyingarrayofthings,including families,Canada,theUniversal Church,travellers,craftsmen,expectantmothers,engineers,immigrants andworkingpeople.Iamaworking person,marriedtoanengineer,and thedaughterofimmigrantsto Canada.I’mnotCatholic,butitfelt liketherightstreetonwhichtodo somehealing.

Notasingleorthophonisteon Saint-Josephwasavailable.Iendedup a40-minutewalkaway,inOutremont, attheofficeofayoungorthophoniste withkindeyes,recitingfive-syllable words,textsabouttheodourofapples, and“LaCigaleetlaFourmi”from Les fablesdelafontaine.

IfIcouldwitnesswhatgoesonduring myappointmentswatchingfrom above,perchedontheceilinglooking downasIpracticeexercisesinlaphonétiquecorrective,soundingoutvowels andshapingmymouthintoan“o,”or the“u”inlutin,discussingtheaccent tonique,Imightfeelcompassionfor myself.JustasIwouldwatchinganyone whosehairisgettinggray,thinning

Photo:SaintJosephstatuette,byDeborahOstrovsky.

aroundthecrown,tryingtochange somethingthatmayneverchange, readingthingslike“Deleurmontrer avantsamort/Queletravailestuntrésor”outloudwiththespeedanddeliberationofaseven-year-old.

Lookingdownfromtheceiling,I mightrecallthatyearsago,Itookan out-of-townfriendtoSaintJoseph’s OratoryonMountRoyal.Wespent anentireafternoonintheVotive Chapel,circulatingwiththecrowdsin frontofalltheofferingsofwooden canes,crutchesandlegbracessuspendedbetweenthecolumnsand rowsofcandles,leftbypilgrimswho’d beenhealed.Aftervisitingthechapel, wewenttoabusyrestaurantnear MétroBeaubienandwereseatednext toalongtable,adelegationofartisan foodpurveyorsfromtheBasque Country.Thedelegationsuddenly burstintosong,entreatingustocome dancewiththem,shoutingatusin Frenchtosingourownfolksongs.My friendandIlookedateachotherin stunnedsilenceuntilmyfriendcommencedameekrenditionof“Barrett’s Privateers.”

Andwhatareyourfolksongs?a Basquewomaninaredscarfand whiteblouseturnedandlookedatme, hervoicecompetingwiththeruckus andtheclatterofcutlery.

Iwantedtoexplainthatmyfather haddiedafewmonthsago.Wewere estrangedforoveradecade.Henever metmydaughter.Athisfuneral,Idiscoveredthatmymotherwasn’tsure whathismothertonguehadbeen. I thoughtitwasRussian,Itoldarelative. Da,therelativesaid.Russianwasmy father’sdominantlanguage.Butthings hadbeenchaoticduringhischildhood.Myfather’syoungersiblings spokeHebrew,theolderonesRussian, whichmeanttheyspoketwodifferent languagesathome,ifnotmore.Later, anotherrelativeexplainedthatmy father’smaternalgrandmotherhad fledRussiainthe1920s.Onaboatto Constantinople,nowIstanbul,she

rippedupallheridentitypapersand changedhername,cuttingtiesto RussiaandUkraine.Myfather,born inJerusalemamidsttheviolentclashes oftheBritishMandateofPalestine, emigratedtoCanadaandeventually changedhisnametosoundEnglish (“ItwastheColdWar.Youkidsdon’t understandwhatitwaslike,”yet anotherrelativesaidwhenItoldhim, atthenextfamilyfuneral,howI insistedonusingourRussianfamily name).Myfather’saccentwasBritish English,asIrememberit,buthe neverquitemasteredthesilent“l”in salmonoralmond.Meanwhilemy maternalgrandparentshadsentmy mothertoelocutionlessonsinpostwarBritaintobanishherworkingclassaccent,erasingtheirpastinthe nameofBBCEnglish.

Decadesaftermyfamilychanged namesandaccents,andcutties withcountries,languages,andoftenwith oneanother,IspendmyThursdays scrapingeverylastbitofEnglishout ofmythroatwithadeterminationborderingonobsession,tosoundFrench, moreQuébécois,somethingI’llnever be—aforegoneconclusiondetermined bythecurrentpoliticalclimatehere,the typeofnationalismwe’restartingto see,butalsobecauseasyoutryto becomesomeoneelseyoubecome awareofwhoyouarenot:apersonwho canbeltoutfolksongsatrestaurants.

Oneevening,Idescribedmy dinnerwiththeBasqueartisanfood purveyorstoaneighbourfrom Bucharest,andshestartedsinginga folkmelodyaboutabride,agroom, andadowry.Hervoicewavered.The floodofmemorieswastoostrong.She stopped.Shecouldn’tsingandcryat thesametime.

ButthereIwasinanoisyrestaurantatdusk,andnoneoftheseevents —theRomaniandowrysong,mysessionswiththeorthophonisteand reciting Lesfablesdelafontaine—had happenedyet.Confrontedbythe

womanintheredscarfwhileeating myappetizer,Ishruggedmyshoulders.Igotuptodance.Wealldanced, myout-of-townfriendandI,the Basquedelegation,thewaitersandthe chef.Bymidnightwespilledoutonto thestreet,joinedbythesoundand lightingcrewofaBelgiantheatre troupeandanaccordionplayer.

SoonafterIstartedseeingan orthophoniste,asmalltreeoutside ourapartmentlostallitsleavesand died.Myhusbandpulledupthetree. Itsrootswerewithered.Mydaughter swirledtheloosenedearthwitha shovel,creatingpilesofdirtinthe holewherethetreehadbeen.Somethingshimmered,asilveryobjectin theearth.Mydaughterpickedatit withtheshoveluntilitsvisiblesurface grewbigger.Ashiny,metalfigurine appeared,glintingsilverinthesunlight,peekingoutofoneofthepiles. Itwasaleadstatuette,Jesusperhaps, aboutthelengthofanadulthand.We broughtittoalocalhistoricalsociety whereavolunteertookit,promising toconsultwithsomeelderlyneighboursaboutitshistorywhenshe could.It’sgoodluck,thevolunteer explainedonthephoneafewweeks later.ItwasSaintJoseph,whoisalso thepatronsaintofhousesellersand buyers.PeopleburylittleSaint Josephsoutsidetheirhomeswhen theywanttosellthem,shesaid.The statuettewasprobablyahundred yearsold.Thesocietywantedtokeep itfortheirarchives.Wouldweconsiderdonatingit?

Ofcourse,Itoldthevolunteer. We’re notmoving. DeborahOstrovskyhaswrittensatire for McSweeney’sInternetTendency and PointsinCase.Hernon-fiction hasappearedin Tablet, Maisonneuve,the MontréalGazette and Geist.SheiscurrentlywritingabouttheMagdalenIslands andlivesinMontréalwithherfamily.

WaitingforLanguage

STEPHENOSBORNE RememberingNorbertRuebsaat

Whenhewasayoungmaninthe 1970s,NorbertRuebsaatbegan writingtinyunperformabledramasin actsof3or4linesandpublishedanumberofthemin 3-CentPulp,thezine publishedbyPulpPressBookPublishers(nowArsenalPulpPress).Oneof thesetinyworkswascalled AHog NamedDesire,andanother CheArrives inCanadatoLeadtheStruggleagainst Oppression. Youmightsaythathewas reachingforlimitstoconventionaland evenunconventionaldramabeyond whichitwouldbeimpossibletoproceed. Bordersandboundaries,limits,transitionsandtranslation:thesewereelementsof“cross-writing”thatbecame centraltohiscreativework.

IntheninetieshetaughtESL classesinwhichheintroducedthe conceptof“cross-culturallistening”— awayofunderstandinghowcultures learntoheareachother.Manyofhis students,hediscovered,feltthat secondlanguageslocatethemselvesin

differentareasoftheirbodiesand occupyspacedifferentlythanfirstlanguages,sothatCanadianlanguageis experienced acoustically inadisparate dimension.(Inevitablythepoliticsof accents,whichareunheardinthefirst stagesoflanguageacquisition,further complicatesthegrowthoffluency.) Someofhisstudentspitchedtheir voiceshigherwhenspeakingEnglish, theytoldhim,inordertoreflecta changeinstatusbetweentheiroriginallanguageandthisnewone—they feltthemselvestobesmallerinthe newlanguage,theysaid,andhewas remindedofhisearlylifeasanimmigrantsix-year-oldingrade1who spokeonlyGerman:hecouldhearthe otherstudentsspeakingalanguage thattoldhimnothingatall.“Itmade methinkIdidnotexistinthislanguageanddidnotexistinthisplace, andthisthoughtmademepanic,”he wroteyearslater.Heimaginedthat theQueen,whosepicturewasabove

theblackboard,spoketheperfect English(whichheoftenreferredtoas his“stepmothertongue”)thathemust learntoimitateifhewantedtolivein Canada:“Iimaginedheralsotobethe authorofallthebooksweread,andof thealphabetthatranalongthetopof theblackboard.WhenItoldmyESL studentsthistheysaidtheyunderstoodmeperfectly.”

In1990,hisstory“Nazis”won awardsforbothfictionandnon-fiction. Thesinglehingebetweenthetwo otherwiseidenticaltextswastheinitial lettergiventothenarrator’suncle, whoasUncleWinfictiontransitions intoUncleNinnon-fiction:inboth versionshewasaNazikilledinthe warinRussia“byasniper’sbullet.” Whentheschoolshowednewsreelsof theNazisandthewar,Norbertcould heartheGermanspokeninthe soundtrackleakingthroughbeneath theEnglishvoiceoftheannouncer: theywereneversayingthesame thing,asonlyNorbertcouldtell. Cross-culturallisteningbecameNorbert’sworkingmethodintheessays, reviewsandstoriesthathepublished widelyinCanadianperiodicals.He wasaregularcontributorto Geist. (Hislivingroomwasthelaunchsite fortheprototypeissueof Geist—“a magazinenamedinneitherofficial language”—in1990).Hepostedfrequentlyontheliterarywebsite Dooney’sCafé,andwrotemanybook reviews,featuresandarticlesforthe VancouverSun,the GlobeandMail,and variousliteraryjournals.Healsopublished Ruebsaat’s,anoccasionalnewsletterwhichfeaturedpoetryand storiesbyhimselfandotherCanadian writers.Heproduceddocumentaries oncross-culturallisteningforCo-op RadioinVancouver,whereheworked formanyyearsasaprogrammer,as wellasCBC’sIdeasseries.Hewas alwayswriting,rewriting,translating, interrogating,interpreting…remembering.HewroteintheRockyMountains,theKootenays,theCariboo,

HaidaGwaii,Germany,Franceand elsewhere.

HeproducednumeroustranslationsofGermanplaysoncommission fromthe(erstwhile)TorontoFree Theatre,TheOtherTheatreinMontréal,theBanffCentrefortheArts andtheGoethe-InstitutinLosAngeles.Hepublishedpoetrywidelyinliterarymagazinesandanthologies;his poetrybook, Cordillera,waspublished byArsenalPulpPress,andhewrote numeroustextsandlibrettosincollaborationwithCanadiancomposers BarryTruax,HildegardWesterkamp andAlcidesLanza,amongothers.In 2007hecontributedtoBrianHowell’s

iisanother

JEREMYCOLANGELO

everyoneismade ofsomeone who mypointisthat theshade ofanyonein everyonethewho ofthemthethemthat tarries suchthatallthat isissuspect particledecay ofnoone someone everyone toanyone weightiestofelements radiationofthewhoinall

photostudyofpeoplewhoimpersonatecelebrities, FameUs:Celebrity ImpersonatorsandtheCult(ure)of Fame (ArsenalPulp).Examplesofhis workcanbefoundatgeist.comand dooneyscafe.com.

AfterteachingCommunicationand MediaStudiesforseveralyearsat SFUandColumbiaCollege,Norbert movedtoNewDenverwherehefinished hismemoir, InOtherWords:AGerman CanadianStory—inwhichhischildhood investigationsarecarriedforwardinto the“grown-up”structuresofmemory andstorythatcamebeforeandthen camelater.In InOtherWords weare

returnedtothesix-year-oldimmigrant boysittingtongue-tiedinagrade1classroominEdmontonin1951,waitingfor thenewlanguagetoarrive.

NorbertRuebsaatdiedinMarchin NewDenver,BC.Hewasseventy-six. OneofhisearlyworksthatIrememberwellisanunperformableplaythat pressesontoevenfurtherlimits;itis called ATapeRecorderKnocksatthe GatesofHeaven.

StephenOsborneisco-founderof Geist (withMarySchendlinger)andhehasbeen afrequentcontributorto Geist since 1990.Readmoreofhisworkatgeist.com.

*

mapslikeparticlespresent thenonofnonexistence

letthemountainsgrazeyour fingers andtheriverdryyourhand coordinateand unityinflatness shapethatmakesaworld mypointis linkedtoyours

anovelisamapwhereallroadslead toending apoem isasketch oflandspicked clean

* that beingsaidi wonder specifically i question topically i wander stochastically seek mypointthat iisbuta:colongrown toolong

JeremyColangeloisanauthorandacademicfromLondon,ON.Hisstorycollection, Beneath theStatue,waspublishedin2020,andhisworkhasappearedinthe NewQuarterly, EVENT, Carousel,the Puritan,the DalhousieReview,andelsewhere.Heteachesatthe UniversityofWesternOntario,King’sCollege.

Reduce,Reuse,Reincarnate

GRANTBUDAY

“There’snomoneyinbooks,”said Selma,whoranthebookrecyclingprogramforBritishColumbia. “Theprogram’sbeingcancelled.We’ll sendatrucktopickupourbins.”A weeklateralleightbinsthatwehadon site,eachthesizeofaporta-potty,were gone.Thatwasacoupleofyearsago.

Nowwhenpeoplebringbooksinto therecyclingdepothereonMayne Island,Isaytotakethemtothethrift storeorburnthemintheirwoodburningstovesathome.Ifthat’stoo Fahrenheit451 forpeople,Isuggest tearingthebooksapartandpeeling thegluefromthespinesandthenwe canassimilatethemintherecycling stream.Theproblem,Iexplain,isthe glue.Peopleusuallyremarkonthe amountoftimeandeffortinvolvedin dismemberingabook,towhichIsuggesttheydoitwhilewatchingNetflix. TheystudymyfacewhenIsaythat, notsureifIambeingsincereorsarcastic.Iassurethemthat’swhatIdo withbooksIintendtorecycle.

ItisanOrwellianexperiencetosit infrontofthetelevisionanddismemberanovelorahistorytextorany bookforthatmatter.It’sonlythe mouldy,tatteredandunreadablethat undergothisprocedure.Though admittedlythecategory“unreadable” isambiguous,includingbooksphysicallyindecipherableandbooksthatI deemdreck.Ioftendismemberbooks whilewatching DowntonAbbey. Some peoplerateitdreck,butIenjoy watchingtheplotunfold.Thewriter dealsobstacleslikecardstothecharacters,whomustplaytheirhands.I especiallylikethetoffwhosurvives thesinkingofthe Titanic andistaken toMontréal,buthasamnesia.Agood SonofEmpire,heenliststofightthe Kaiserandthenregainshismemory duetotheshockofamortarblast.He returnstoDowntonwithfacialscarringsoseverethatnobodybelieves himwhenheidentifieshimself.In anguish,nolongerinlinetoinherit Downtonorwedthecoolandaloof

MaryCrawley,hedragshimselfoffto whoknowswhatfate.

DuringtheCOVID-19pandemic, Amazon’sbusinesshassoaredas peoplegetthingsmailedtothem ratherthanriskenteringretailspaces. Thevolumeofcardboardcominginto therecyclingdepothasconsequently alsosoared.Isolated,atomized,online andathome,wepulpevenmoretrees topackandprotectourpackages.

Morepackagingmeansmorerecycling.MayneIslandhasapermanent populationofaboutthirteenhundred consumers.Thedepotisopentwo daysperweek,andeachdaywebale some450kilosofpaperandcardboard.Everyseconddaywecollect Styrofoaminabagsixfeetindiameter,likeanenormoussnowball,easyto rollontothetruck,aparodyofthe stoneSisyphusiscondemnedtoroll upahill.Forusatthedepot,asfor SisyphusinHades,theStyrofoam neverends.

Onepaperproductindeclineis newsprint.Thisisbecausemoreand morepeopleprefertheirdailydoseof depressiononline.Still,newsprint retainsonevalue—itisindemandas firestarter.Manypeoplecomeinto thedepotwithnootherpurposethan toaskforit.

Alongwithnewsprint,booksand corrugatedcardboard,wegetmagazines:the NewYorker, Harper’s,the LondonReviewofBooks,the Guardian, the RollingStone andallmannerof tradepublication.Sometimespeople bringindecadesworthof Life magazine,whichsmelldampandcheesy. Weoftenseeboxesof NationalGeographic datingbacktothe1950sor earlier.Thesehaveadifferentodour,a littlemorechemical,likelyduetothe typeofstockandthenatureoftheink. Orit’samatterofhowtheywere stored.Thismassofprintedmaterial meanswehaveplentytoperuse.Here isanarticleontheRatPack,witha smilingyoungFrankSinatra,fedora tippedback,facetippedup,ridingthe

Destroyingbooksforthegreatergood

AmericanDream.Theads,freeof guiltorirony,peddlethepromiseof thesophisticationandsatisfactionto behadthroughcruisingaboutinconvertibles,enjoyingarefreshingcigarette,orstylishlysippingamartini.

Thereisalotofmartinisipping, winedrinkingandbeerguzzlingon MayneIsland.Icantellbythevolume ofempties.Theyareoneofourlarger sourcesofrevenue,thereforewe encouragepeopletodrinkasmuchas possible,assuringthemitisforagood

cause.Thebookcollectionprogram wasforagoodcauseaswell.The bookswenttoorphanages,asylums andprisons.

Reducing,reusingandrecyclingare ratedwiseprotocols.Thepapercollectedatthedepotgoestoaprocessing facilitywhereitisrenderedintomore paper.Thismeansitispossiblefora shoeboxtoberebornasabookof poems,anartist’ssketchbookoranovel thataddresseselusivebutpersistent questionssuchasreincarnation,orthe

fateofanamnesiac—likethecharacter inDowntonAbbey,whoregainedhis memorybutlosthisfuture. GrantBuday’smostrecentnovel, Orphans ofEmpire,wasshortlistedfortheCityof VictoriaBookAwardandtheRoderickHaigBrownAward.Hisshortstory“MarryMe” willbeincludedintheanthology FiftyYears ofBestCanadianStories.Heliveson MayneIsland,BC.

Themusehunt

DANIELLEHUBBARD

Ireachedapointinmyearly thirtieswhenIhadtoacknowledge myselfawashed-uppoetso Iplacedaclassifiedadinthe BrandonSun thatread:Wanted,onemuse. Verveandinspirationrequired.Ability toworkobscurehoursincluding weekends,pre-dawn. Thefollowingresume arrivedbyfax:Oneex-military man,52,applying forduty.Credentialsinclude thecapacitytosleep fourhoursanight. Physicalstamina.Fiveyears intheAirborneandathumbtattoo toproveit.Excellentlibido, abdominals.Oncejumped fromaHueyhelicopterat2,000 feetoverHelena,Montana andlandedonacactus. OncejumpedfromaC130Hercules inBaggotville,Quebec underredlightinthemiddleofdark.

Oncejumpedwith300 poundsofradiokitandatwisted chutethatonlydeployed100 feetbeforeimpact.Oncejumped fromaLockheedC-141Starlifter, greatname.Oncejumped fromaheliumblimpat 800feetoverEngland.

Onceservedfourmonthsinmilitary prisoninEdmonton asaresultofanincident withamachete.Twicemarried

andtwicedivorced.Oncetorearotator cuffliftingaChristmastree, stillsufferingtheconsequences. EnjoysChardonnay.Inexperienced withpoetrybut willingtolearn.Afterarigorous andlong-drawninterview,I signedhimupbecausehowcouldInot?

DanielleHubbard’spoetryhasappearedinseveralliterarymagazines, includingthe MalahatReview,the Fiddlehead andthe Antigonish Review.Whennotwriting,Danielleenjoysswimming,cycling,and exploringnewplaces.ShelivesinPortMoody,wheresheworksas thedeputydirectorofthepubliclibrary.

MarriageontheDownload

CONNIEKUHNS

Ifmarriagewasatelevisionshow,itmightlooksomethinglikethis

unheardofthen,aswewerenotmarried.Wehadneverbeeninabed togetheralonefortheentirenight. Thesheetsweresocoolagainstmy legs.Wetouredtheoldterritorial prison.Thedesertwasburningup. Jackhadpickedmeuphitch-hiking, orratherhehadpickedupLisa,my roommate.Iwassellingticketsatthe RivoliTheatreandshewasacashier inanofficeparkinglot.Wewould meeteverynightafterworkinfront ofthepostofficeonLongBeach Boulevardtohitchhikehome.Jack andhisfriendCharliehadstopped forher.Theirdestroyerwasdrydocked.Theyhadjustreturnedfrom asalvagemissionoffthecoastof Vietnam.Jacktoldmethey’d droppedexplosivesofftheship,day andnight,topreventtheVietcong fromswimmingoutandblowing themup.Theywerestonedon mescalineandlisteningtoJimi Hendrix.

Isleptwithhimrightawayand often.Lisawasavirginandexpected metobeone,too,soIpretended(to her)thatIwas.ThatmeantthatJack andIhadtogoacrossthestreetand dodgehelicopterspatrollingthe beachifwewantedtobealone. Ashamedyetdetermined.Iliedto Jack,aswell.Itoldhimthathewas onlythesecondguythatIhadever sleptwith.Healsowantedmetobea virgin.

MyfriendLoriaskedmeoneday ifIhadevergivenmyfirsthusbandablowjob.WewereeatinghotdogsinCostcoatthetime.Itoldher, quitehonestly,thatIcouldn’tremember.Ithadbeenoverfiftyyears.Too badyoucan’tcallhimupandask,she said.Butsexwasn’tthatdeliberate

then.Atleastitwasn’tthatdeliberate forme.Backthen,itwasstressful enoughjusttobenaked.

Whatdidcometomind,though, wasthatnightinYuma,Arizona,a fewmonthsafterImethim.Wehad gonetovisithissisterandsheputus upinthesamebedroom.Thatwas

Duringthatsummer,Jackgot bustedwithacoupleoflidsofmarijuana.Heinsistedtomethatthey belongedtosomebodyelseuntilthat momentincourtwhenthejudge askedhimifthe“contraband”was his.Hesaidyes.Hewassentencedto theLAcountyjailinNewhallwhere CharlesMansonwaswalkedthrough inshackleswhilebeingprocessedon hiswaytohell.IwenttoseeJack everyweekend;therewasa“jailbus” thatleftdowntownonSundaymornings.AndwhenIcouldn’tafforda tickettherewerealwaysothers

offeringridesonthecheap.Ionce caughtaridewithawomanwhowas alsoonherwaytoseeherboyfriend. Icouldn’ttakemyeyesoffhermassiveunderarmhair.Ihadneverseen suchathing.Itwaslikeanesthangingfromherbranch-likearm.When Ihitchhiked,Icarriedoneofmy grandmother’skitchenkniveswhichI turnedovereachtimetheguards searchedmypurse.ItalkedtoJack overaphone,whilesittinginabooth. Welookedateachotherthrough bullet-proofglass.

Ayearaftermeetingonthatstreet corner,JackandIgotmarried. Therewasreallynowayout.Backhome, allmyhighschoolfriendsweremarried.Iwasfastbecominganoldmaid. Iwasbarelytwentyyearsoldandhe wasnumberfour.

Themorningafterourwedding, whenweawokeinmygrandmother’s bed,whichshehadlovinglygiventous forourweddingnight,Iwasadifferent person.Thelightswereon.Thefog hadlifted. WhathaveIdone? ButIhad mademybed,whateverthatmeans.

Jackwasjealous.Hedidn’tlikeme

talkingtohisfriendsorattractingtoo muchattentiontomyself.Hefound thejournalthatIkeptthatfirst summerIarrivedinCaliforniaand toreitupinfrontofme,sayingit mademesoundlikeawhore,which, atleastinthecontextofthisstory,is alosstotheliteraryworld.

Ifourmarriagehadbeensomething like LoveAmericanStyle,apopular televisionshowatthetime,itmight havelookedlikethis:

EpisodeOne: TheGuest.Iinvite theinsurancemantoourhome.One

Image: WeirdJobs byDebraRooney

ofJack’sex-Navybuddiesshowsup stonedafewminutesbeforethe insurancemanarrives,andissitting onthefloorinthecornerofthe livingroompretendingtodrumto theDoors.Ijustkeepontalking aboutpremiums,pretendingCharlie isn’tthere.

EpisodeTwo: TheAngryWife.We aresupposedtoleaveforSanFranciscowhenIgetoffwork,butIcan’t findmyunemployedhusband.When Ifindhim,heisonthebeachtripping withTina’shusbandChuck,who offersmesomeacid.Igetvery,very madandImakeJackdrivetoSan Franciscoanyway.Iwon’tincludethe partabouthisdifficulty“transitioning”fromthemilitaryintocivilian lifebecausethatwasn’taconcept backthen.Thesunsetisspectacular, apparently.

EpisodeThree: TheMovieCritic. It’stherapescenein“StrawDogs.”I haveneverseenamovielikethis beforeandIhateit.“See,Itoldyou womenlikedit,”Jackwhisperstome. WearesittingintheBelmontTheatreandIsuddenlyfeelsick.

EpisodeFour: We’veOnlyJust Begun.Webuyaseasonpassto Knott’sBerryFarmandgothereat leastonceamonthforayear,thinkingittobeoneofthemostmagical placeswehaveeverbeen.Ithinkwe arejustliketheyoungmarried coupleintheCrockerBankcommercialwhodrivearoundlisteningtothe Carpenters.

EpisodeFive: SayWhat? MyhusbandasksmewhyIdon’tmakehim homemadesoupforhislunchatwork likethisotherguy’swife.IsayIwon’t havehischildrenbecausehisbrother-in-lawisracist.Hisfathercallsme longdistanceandtellsmetostartlettingJackmakethedecisions.Iyell outduringafight,“Youthinkyou werenumbertwo,well,youwere numberfour!”

ButJacklovedme.Hemademe spoonringsandonceswipedsomefire

hosenozzlesformetouseascandlestickswhenwecouldn’taffordthereal onesatCargoWest.Hemadetortillas fromscratchanddedicatedspecial songstomebyChicagoandSealand Crofts.Hisarmsweresmooth.His bodywaswarm.Hemadesexnormal. Ilearnedhowtosteamporkchops, whichinawayanswersLori’squestion.Whileourhusbandsdidtheir thing,CindyandIexchangedrecipes andTinaandIdecoratedourtables withbaby’sbreathinbrownpottery; weweremarriedcoupleslikeeverybodyelse.

Ourmarriagestartedcoming apartsometimeafterIboughtthe album Tapestry.IsupposeIcould blameCaroleKingforputtingwords tofeelingsnotcommonlyspokenby women.IknowIwasalotofwork, especiallyforaguywholookedlike GeorgeHarrisonandjustwantedto gohometoMissouri.IsuspectIwas “transitioning”aswell.

SeasonFinale(imaginary): The TruthIsAlwaysBeautiful.Ayoung wifestartsafireonthebeachand burnshercopiesof BeHereNow,the KamaSutra, OpenMarriage, Cosmopolitan (althoughthereweresome goodarticlesaboutthetrickshusbandsusetogetoutofdoinghousework), TheArtofSensualMassage for itshorribleillustrations,anybook aboutorgasmswrittenbymen,and thetheatricalreleaseof Bob&Carol &Ted&Alice.She’stiredofeverybodytellingherwhosheissupposed tobe.Shekeepsherthreevolumesof CarlosCastaneda.

ConnieKuhnshasaforty-yearhistoryas anessayist,photographerandmusicjournalist.Heressay“LastDayinCheyenne” (Geist No.84)wasnamed“Notable AmericanEssay”in TheBestAmerican Essays seriesandnominatedforaWestern MagazineAward.ShelivesonSaltSpring Island,BC.

FINDINGS

CollagenMatrix

THERESAKISHKAN

From BluePortugalandOtherEssays byTheresa Kishkan.PublishedbyUniversityofAlbertaPress in2022.TheresaKishkanistheauthoroffifteen booksofpoetry,fiction,andnon-fiction.Shelives inSechelt,BC.

WhenourdogLilydiedin1996,webroughther bodyhomefromthevetandthoughtaboutwhere we’dburyher.ShewasalargeLab-Shepherdcross, withalittlewolfinherpast.Youcouldseeitinher body,inherface.Andinherwildnature.Shewas happytobepartofourpack,butshewouldn’tbe trainedintheusualway.Ifitmadesensetoherto comewhenwecalled,thenshewould.Ifshewas

doingsomethingelse,somethingmoreimportant toher,thenshewouldn’t.

Anyway,shewasbig.Thethoughtofdigginga holeinrockygroundforherbodywasdaunting. ButJohnfoundaplaceinthewoods,adeep hollow,withcedarsallaround.Heclearedouta spaceforLily’sbody,lineditwithmoss,andcarriedherthereinthewheelbarrow.Hecoveredher withathicklayerofmoss.Thenhecutbranchesof cedar,salal,andheapedthemoverthetop.

Acoupleofyearslater,Iwenttotheplaceand pushedthebranchesandmossaside.Icouldseea cleanskeletoninthehollow.Ireachedin, removedasectionofboneIquicklyrealizedwas Lily’spelvis,andbroughtitintothehouse.I soakeditforafewdaysinmildbleachsolution anddrieditoff.Iwantedsomethingofheronmy desk.Inthoseyears,mychildrenweregrowingup

Untitled1,2015and Untitled7,2015,20"x30,"35mm,CanonAE-1,from CityscapeIII byFarihah AliyahShah.Shotdoubleexposureonfilm,theseriesexploresoscillationsbetweenman-madeandnaturalelements

indailylife.ThemeldingofimagesofQueen’sParkanddowntownTorontoexpressesadesiretopreservenature inurbanization. soquickly,andIknewthey’dbeleavingsoon.In fact,theoldesthadalreadygoneawaytoschool, andImissedhimterribly.Iknewourfamilywas changing,andIwantedaphysicalanchortothe yearswhenwecampedinthesummers,Lilywith us,thenightssweetandstar-filled.

Sometimespeoplewouldseetheboneonmy deskandwonderatit.WhenIexplainedwhatit was,Icouldtellthatmostofthemthoughtitwas macabretokeepadog’spelvisathand.Butitwas beautiful,thecleanbonesmoothasivory.Andhow differentisittokeepantlersoractualivory?Both shareacollagenmatrix,thoughivoryhasno systemofbloodvessels.Thirty-fivethousandyears ago,peopleweremakingrepresentativefigures fromboneandivory—Venuses,horses,reindeer— andalsohadshrinestothedeadthatincluded bones.I’mnotmakingacaseforfetishizingmy

dog’spelvis.Ijustwantedtohavesomethingofher tolookateveryday.Torememberherstrong body,herhighhips.

Perhapseightyearsago,Iwasinthekitchenand Iheardaloudcrash.Itcamefrommystudy.Wehad nohouseholdanimalsatthattime.Hadabirdor someothercreaturecomeinthroughanopendoor andknockedsomethingheavytothefloor?(Once, aweaselfounditswayinandracedaroundthe house,runningupawallofbooksandalongthetop ofawindow,untilwewereabletoshooitoutwith abroom.)Investigating,Isawthatahighshelf erectedabovethebigwindowinmystudy,the widthofthesmallroom,hadfallen,bringingits cargoofreferencebooks(EarlyGreekMyth, The Landmark Herodotus, Cruden’sConcordance, Bartlett’s FamiliarQuotations),anelkskull,andanoldbean crockfrommyparents’housedownontomydesk.

Mylittledesklampwasbroken.Ageodehad crackedinhalf.AndLily’spelviswasbrokentoo, fracturedfromthepointoftheischiaticarchalong thelineofthesymphysispubisandischii;theentire sacrumhadbrokenaway.

Crack.CRACK. Ithoughtaboutputtingitbacktogetherwithsome sortofglue.Maybehotglue?Orthekindofadhesiveweusedtoinstallceramictilesonourcounters. ButIneverdid.SometimesI’dtakeupthethree partsandfitthemasthey’dbeenbeforetheirfracture.

BallooninaSuitcase

TAMASDOBOZY

From GhostGeographies byTamasDobozy.PublishedbyNewStarBooksin2021.TamasDobozyis theauthoroffivebooks.Hisbook Siege13 (Thomas Allen/Milkweed)wontheRogersWriters’TrustFiction PrizeandwasafinalistfortheGovernorGeneral’s LiteraryAwardforFiction.HelivesinKitchener,ON.

Hubakeptaconstantlypackedsuitcasewithafull changeofclothesinside.TherewereAmericandollars,too.Therewasacompass,streetmapsofVienna, Paris,Madrid,andablack-market Playboy.Hubasaid hewasreadyforanything,includingtheloneliness oftheWest.Mostimportantlytherewasanewspaper articlefromthe NeuesDeutschland aboutafamily thathadbuiltanairballoonbackin’58inanattempt togettoWestGermany.Thearticleincludedafacsimileoftheplansdrawnuponabarnapkin,placed strategicallybythenewspaper’seditorsbesideapictureoftheactualballoon,crashedanddisintegrated aroundfoursplayedbodies,asadisincentivetoanyonewantingtotryitforhimself.Whenevertheygot drunkthearticlewouldcomeoutandHubawould talkaboutwhatagreatideaitwas.Notasuccessful one,butstill.Withhisknowledgeofaeronauticsthey couldtweaktheplanstomakeitwork.Butthenext morningHubawouldbesoberandthearticlewould gobackintothesuitcaseandhewouldn’ttalkabout ituntilthenexttimetheystarteddrinkingagain.

ItoccurredtoBánko,oncehe’dturnedfrom Írén,thattherewouldbenoneofthatinfamous alienation,rumouredtobethemainflawofthelifestylesoftheWest,ifHubaandhewenttogether.

Itwasinterestingtorunmyfingeralongthehard compactboneontheoutsideedge;itresembled ivory.Within,thecancellousbonelookedlikefine drysponge,containingwhatwasleftofthemarrow. Lily’spelvishadcradledherbladder,someofher intestines,and,originally,herreproductiveorgans, beforeherovariesanduteruswereremovedwhen shewasyoung,beforeshecametous.

Thedesklampwasrepairedwithducttape. Andnow,morethantwentyyearsafterLily’s death,Iamholdingherpelvisinmyhands,thinkingabouthowlongalifeis,andhowbrief.What vanishesandwhatremains. ��

Hespenttherestofthemorningtryingtogetto Huba’splacewithoutbeingfollowed.Leapingonto streetcarsatthelastsecond,thenleapingoffatthe nextstop,onlytostepontoanotherheadedinthe oppositedirection.Climbingupanddownthesteps ofbuses.Goingbackandforthalongthestationsof the kisföldalatti.Doingwhateverhecouldtothrow offaninvisibleandforallheknewimaginarypursuit.SometimesBánkojuststoppedandstaredat thesky,grippedbytherealizationofwhathe’dleft behind.HewasnolongerawrestlerontheHungariannationalteam.Itfeltexhilarating,likethat uncertaintythatalwaysgrippedhimbeforeamatch, andwhichhe’dalwaysregardedashistruechallenger,onehecouldneverfullydefeat,thathe alwaysneededtofightagain,andwasmaybeeven thereasonhefoughtinthefirstplace.

Hubawasworkingunderthetableinthosedays astheunofficialsuperintendentofhisbuildingon Villányiút.Beforethathe’dbeentrainingasanair trafficcontroller,ajobthey’dsuggestedafterhis mandatorymilitaryserviceintheHungarianair force(suchasitwas).Hismainproblem,backthen, wasthathe’dneverjoinedtheparty.Hehadn’tbeen vocal,eitherfororagainstit.He’djustdemurred.So hewassuspect,passedoverforpromotion,though heknewasmuchaboutthejobasanyone.Then,one dayin1953,Huba’sfatherwastakenaway.They receivednoexplanation,beforeorafter.Onedayhe simplydidn’tcomehome.Hubawentwithhis mothertothepolice,whoshruggedandsaidthey’d makeinquiries.AttheNationalRailwaysoffice wherehisfatherworkedoneofthesecretariessaid he’dbeen“paidavisit”andleftwiththreemen.The wayshesaidit,inthattone,suggestednoonehad

beensurprised,andhiswifeandsonshouldn’tbe either,asifhisfather’sinsurgencywascommon knowledge.Hubahadhadtoracehismotheroutof therebeforeshespatinthewoman’sface.Whenhis fatherreturned,arrivingintimefordinnerafew monthslater,hewasinpieces.Bothhishandswere bandaged,andHubahadtosendhismotherfrom theroomwhenhechangedthedressings.Each fingerlookedasifithadbeenflattenedwitha hammer.Theoldman,andhewasoldnow,having gonefromfiftytoeightyinthosefewmonths,shook hisheadwhentheyaskedwherehe’dgone,whathad happened,asifwhattheÁVOhadwantedfromhim wasnotinformationbutitsopposite,interrogating himuntilheagreedtoclosehismouthforever.In theweeksthatfolloweditbecameobvioustoHuba andhismotherthattheoldmancouldnolonger stayawayfromhighbalconies,traintracks,the whirlpooloftrafficaroundMoszkvatér,whereone dayhebrokefreeofthemandsteppedinfrontofa streetcar.Hismother’sheartlastedforafewmonths afterthat.Itwasimpossibleforhertostopseeing it—themomentofimpact.Hubafoundherbodyin thevestibuleofherapartmentonemorning,fallen underanopenumbrella.

Hisfather’sincarcerationwastheendofHuba’s jobatFerihegyairport.Youcouldn’temploythe offspringofareactionary.Allthingsconsidered he’dbeenlucky.Theycouldhavejailedhimforlife, broughtinthetorturer,madehimdisappear.Had Hubabeenamemberofthepartythat’sprobably whatwouldhavehappened,andwhenhelaughed duringthattime,whichwasn’toften,itwasat that—howhe’dbeensavedfromtheregimebyhis reluctancetojoinit.Instead,alltheydidwasdeny Hubaanincome,leavinghimtostarvetodeath. Nowhewasunofficiallyunemployed,which,apart fromtheword“official,”wasthesameasbeing officiallyunemployed.Butsomeoftheresidentsof hisbuildingcametogetherandpaidhimpiecework forfixingventsandpipes,stovesandfridges,hinges, parquetfloors,crackedcement.Thesuitcaseinhis closet,firstconceivedwhenhisfathervanished,was lessaplanthanashrinetotheideaofescape,and everynighthe’dtakeitoutandchecktomakesure everythingwasinplaceintheeventthatmagic indeedexistedandhesuddenlyfoundhimselfairliftedtothecornerofPhilharmonikerStraßeand KärtnerStraße,hankeringforaniceespresso.The truthis,Hubawasterrifiedofescape,andthattiny suitcase,andthehopeitsignified,mighthavebeen enoughofthewestfortherestofhislife.Hecould

havesubsistedonthat,uplate,unpackingand repackingthesuitcaseinthelightoftheredstar risingabovetheministrybuildingacrossthestreet.

ButonthatAprilafternoonBánkoburstin, rivuletsofsweatrunningdownhisshirt.Helet looseatorrentofgibberish: wrestling, Zabrovsky, murder, Írén, escape.IttookHubaanhourtocalm himdownwithbrimmingshotsof pálinka,until themorning’seventscameoutinlogicalsequence andattentionturnedtothesuitcase.Youcan’tbe serious,Hubatoldhim,butBánkojustgotupnervouslyandpacedfromwindowtowindow. They’regoingtobecomingforme.Hubawent andpeeredout,unsureofwhatheshouldbelookingforexceptmaybeuniformedpolice.Seeing none,hewentbacktohisseatbythetableand slumpedinit,restinghischinonhisforearms.You can’tbeserious.

GISFORGASLIGHTING

From HallelujahTime byVirginiaKonchan.Published bySignalEditions,animprintofVéhiculePress,in2021. VirginiaKonchanistheauthoroffourpoetrybooks,four chapbooksandacollectionofshortstories.Sheisthecofounderof Matter andlivesinHalifax,NS.

Gisforgaslighting,thespellunderwhich youconvincemeI’mcrazyforlikingtolive, termoriginatingfroma1938playtitledsame. Gisforgarlic, allium sativum,floweringplant praisedforitscurative,alimentaryproperties. G:gyroscopes,gastronomy,bathtubgin. Greenisthecolorofthepatinathatgrows onthesurfaceofcopper,brass,andbronze. GarthBrooks,golems,andgastricbypasses. Glamor,grammar,goodness,gavels,ghouls. Genesis’fifthday,whenourGnosticcreator inventedcreaturesofthesea,sky,andland: God’sfemale,accordingtoArianaGrande. Thefinalwordsofanauctioneerafterthe highestbidisoffered:going,going,gone. PabloPicasso’santi-warpainting Guernica Itismoreblessedtogivethantoreceive. GalGadotintheroleofWonderWoman, whowentbackintimetosaveWWI: shapeshifterofflightandinvisibility. G:glitter,glow,gleam.Intimations ofarealmbeyondthis,immortality.

Bánkokeptuphisnervouspacing,butitdidn’t surpriseHuba.Bánkowasalwayslikethis,supercharged,whetherhethoughthe’djustkilledsomeoneornot.HewastheonlyguyHubaknewwho’d comeoutforawalkwithyouandendupcrossing thestreettolookatsomething,thencrossbackto walkbesideyoufortenorfifteenpaces,thenenter somebuildingforfifteenminutes,comeoutthe backway,andmeetupwithyoutwoblockslater, thendisappearoncemoreintoapublicgardenonly tointerceptyouatthedoorofthebaryou’dagreed upon.Hehadthemotion,theenergy,oftenmen, andsometimesÍrénteasedhimwiththenickname, “Csapat.”ThatwasBánkosinceaslongasHuba couldremember—stronger,braver,alwayswiththe bestgirl—andHubawouldhavefeltjealousexcept therewasnowayanyofBánko’sattributescould everhavebelongedtohim.Itwasoutsidetherealm ofpossibility.Hemightaswellhavefeltjealousof BuddhaorJesusorElvis.

TheAmericanembassy,saidHuba,sittingup. I’msurethey’dlovetoseeyoudefect.Youcould jointheirOlympicteam.ButBánkojustshookhis head,sayingitwasthefirstplacethey’dlookfor him.Thetwoofthemsatforsolonginthesilence thateventuallyHubahadtogetupandturnonthe lights.Wehaveonlyoneoption,Bánkosaid.We havetobuildthatballoon.Balloon?Bánko nodded.Theoneinyoursuitcase.

Oh,thatballoon.Hubahadlookedoverthe designsomanytimeshecouldrecallthebarnapkin stainbystain.Sheetsoftaffetastitchedtogetherinto aninflatablesphere,agasburner,kerosene,what

couldgowrong?Wewouldn’thavetoflyfar,Bánko said,ifwetakeofffromthesouthwest,say Nemesmedvesorthereabouts.Atnight,upinthesky likethat?Toohighforsearchlights?Theywouldn’t evenknowwewerethere.We’donlyhavetotravel tenmilesatthemostandthenwe’dbeinAustria.

BALKANECONOMICS forGoranSimic

From AllIHaveLearnedIsWhereIHaveBeen by JoeFiorito.PublishedbySignalEditions,animprintof VéhiculePress,in2020.JoeFioritoistheauthorofnine books.HelivesinToronto,ON.

ThelasttimeIsawsugar, itwas$100akilo duringthewar— hesaid,stirringthreespoons intohisdouble-shot Americano.

We’dbeoverAustria,Hubasaid.Twohundred feetoverit.Duringthenextday,heputeverything hehadintodissuadingBánko,managingtokeepup anargumentagainsthimforawholehourbefore thewrestler’senergyburnedhimout.Itwasonlyon daytwothatHubathoughthe’dcomeupwitha surefireobjection:Okay,let’ssaywegothrough withit.Let’ssaywefindaridedownthere.We’ll findaridedownthere,answeredBánko.Right,continuedHuba,sowehavearide.Let’ssaywefind thatgasburner,kerosene.Hubanoddedaftereach word,authoritativeasateacherputtingcheckmarks alonganassignment.Hubahadexpectedallofhis certainty,therewasnothingbutconfidencewith Bánko,butforthefirsttimeeverhefeltasifhehad theupperhand,thathewastheonesettingthetrap. Allthisisfine,saidHuba,albeitinsane.Butthebig questionis:Who’sgoingtosewthesheetstogether fortheballoon?You?BecauseIcancertainlytell youitisn’tgoingtobeme.Toprovehispointhe indicatedthejaggedandcrookedcurtainsoverthe window—whichlookedasifthey’dbeenhacked withamachetefromarolloffabricwhileitwasstill rolledup—heldinplaceovertherodwithamixture ofadhesivetapeandbentpaperclipsjabbed throughthefabric.Shit,saidBánko,you’reright, hishandmakingstitchingmotionsintheair,asif mimingitlikethatwaspracticeenough,asifit mightgivehimtheabilitytomastersewingright thenandthere.Hestoppedsuddenly,thoughtful. Sothat’sthat,saidHuba.Wecan’tdoit.We’ll havetofigureoutsomethingelse.Bánkoscrewed upaneye.Italmostsoundedasifhehadn’tpreparedwhathewasgoingtosaynext.Íréncansew, hewhispered,andatthosewordsHubarealized he’dbeentheonestandingonthetrapdoorthe wholetime,BánkofingeringtheleverevenasHuba believedhe’dwontheargument.Írén?Ithought youwantedherleftoutofthis.Bánkoshruggedand saidtherewasnootheroption,andHubawondered athisfriend.ItwasunlikeBánkotoriskthelivesof thoseheloved,nomatterwhatthecosttohimself. Hewouldhavediedfirst.IftheSovietauthority foundoutthatBánkohadescaped,andHubaand Írénhadhelpedhim,theywouldbearrested, imprisoned,andworse.Hadtheincidentwith Zabrovskyfrightenedhimthatbadly? ��

305LostBuildingsofCanada

RAYMONDBIESINGER&ALEXBOZIKOVIC

From 305LostBuildingsofCanada byRaymondBiesingerandAlexBozikovic.PublishedbyGooseLaneEditionsin2022.Raymond Biesinger’sillustrationshavebeenpublishedinthe NewYorker,the Guardian and TIME.AlexBozikovicisanarchitecturecritic forthe GlobeandMail andco-authorof TorontoArchitecture:ACityGuide (McClellandandStewart).

CHARLOTTETOWN,PE

PETERPANDRIVE-IN1958–2020

Inthepostwaryears,thePeterPanwasbelovedbylocals foritsmilkshakes,burgers(servedinabasket),andlobsterburgers.Therewerefewfranchisedfast-foodrestaurantsatthetime;thislocallyownedplaceinanA-frame buildingwasalandmark.Therestaurantclosedin2013 andwasdemolished,butcarpentersfromHollandCollegerescueditssign,featuringPeterPanandlettering thatseemedtohavebeencreatedbyayoungchild.711 UniversityAvenue;demolished.

SASKATOON,SK

COMMODORERESTAURANT 1947–2007

SteveLeakoslefttheGreekmainlandasaboyoffourteen andwoundupinSaskatoon;herehewasoneofahalfdozencountrymentorunrestaurantsinthedowntown. ThisoneLeakoscalledtheNewCommodoretodistinguish itfromitspredecessoron21stStreet.Itwasahangout forthecoolerhighschoolkids,including,apparently,a youngJoniMitchell.Therestaurant’snamealsoappeared onsportsjerseys:inthe1950sownerSperoLeakoswas generalmanagerofthesemi-proSaskatoonCommodores baseballteam.ThebuildingbecameaChineserestaurant, Chau’sCommodore,andwasdemolishedafterafirein 2007.1082ndAvenueNorth;nowaparkinglot.

OSHAWA,ON

MAYFAIRBOWLINGALLEY1930S–1957

Inthe1920sand’30s,bowlingwasamongthemostpopularsportsinthecountry.(ACanadian,ThomasRyan, hadinventedthefive-pinversioninhisTorontobowling alley.)Oshawa’sMayfairwasasharpdecobuildingwith portholewindows,glassblock,andneon.In1948,itscandalizedavisitingPresbyterianministerbyopeningon Sunday.Lessthanadecadelater,itburnedandwentdown. 39CelinaStreet;nowaparkinglot.

HALIFAX,NS

AFRICANMETHODIST EPISCOPALZION

CHURCH1846–1955

Therehasbeenasizeable communityofBlack Haligonianssincethelate eighteenthcentury,yet theywerelongsegregatedintoafewspecific neighbourhoods.One washere,alongGottingenStreetinthethen prosperousNorthEnd. Intheyearsaround 1900thischurch,partofaBlack-ledbranchofMethodism broughttoNovaScotiabyBlackLoyalists,stoodatthe community’scentre,runningaschoolandcharitable work.Thechurch’scongregationshrankasotherBlack churchesgrew,butafter1930thechurchwasrestored withcommunityhelp—andthenvandalized.Suburbanizationandurbanrenewalprogramsdecimatedthe neighbourhood’sbuildings,andthechurchwasdemolishedinthe1950s.26GottingenStreetandFalkland Street;nowanemptylot.

MyMoneyandMy DaughterGotoCornell

KELLEENGAN

From GoodMomOnPaper,editedbyStacey MayFowlesandJenSookfongLee.Publishedby Book*hugPressin2022.Excerptedfrom“What HaveYouDoneToday?”byKelleeNgan.Kellee NganisawriterofChinesedescentandCaribbean heritage.Herworkhasbeenpublishedin Geist, Grain and PoetryisDead.ShelivesonBowen Island,BC.

ItwasduringarecentcreativestreakthatI’d reportedwhatIthoughtwasavictoryformyself andmynovel-in-progress.

“Iwrotefivehundredwordstoday,”I’dsaid. Therewasanimplied“ta-da!”aspunctuationbut everyonefailedtopickuponit.

“Isthatalot?”thekindergartnerasked.Thisis akidwhousedtospendhoursbeingcharmedby mismatchedTupperwarelids.Nowthathe’sin school,he’sgotopinionsandisfarlesseasyto impress.

Hissisterinterjected.Athirdgrader,sheisturbo-chargedonreadingandwillburnthrougha novelinonesitting.Shewillgladlytellanyone whoasksthatshe gets books.Andmath.Icouldsee herdoingtheadditioninherhead,fingerstapping onthetabletodoublecheckthecalculation.

“Butaren’tthere,like,millionsofwordsina book?”shesaid.Theupspeakattheendboththe resultoftwomissingfrontteethandadesiretobe atleastatinybitdiplomatic.

“It’smoreliketensofthousands,”Isaid.But neitherofthemwasparticularlyinterestedinthe distinction.Fivehundredoutofanylargernumber equalsnotenough.

Mykidsareharshbutfaircritics,somethingI attributetotheirgeneticheritage.Myparents wouldreacttheexactsameway,viewingthe typingoffivehundredwordsintoacomputer documentasinconsequentialuntilprovenotherwise.It’snotthatthey’reunsupportive;it’sthat theyhavenotimeforflattery.Praisefrommyparentsisdeliveredinthesamematter-of-fact mannerasatakeawayorder.WhenItextedmy mothertoaskforheropinionontheepisodic children’saudioplayI’dworkedon,shereplied: Listenedtotwo,sofar,shouldbegoodforthekids. Thenshee-transferredLunarNewYearlucky

moneywithinstructionstobuyhergrandchildren somethingtheycoulduse,likepants.

MymotherandfatherarrivedinTorontointhe late1960sfromJamaicaandHongKong,respectively.TheymetattheChineseCatholicchurch theybothattendedandwouldgoontostarin theirownversionoftheimmigrantsuccessstory inwhichtheirstoicworkethicledtoabetterlife forthemselvesandtheirCanadian-bornoffspring.

WhenIwasyoung,Irecallthatmyparents workedalot.Theybothhadfull-timejobs.My motherwasateacheratacommunitycollege,my fatheranelectrician.Foraperiodoftimemy fatherworkednightshifts,hiscareerpathdivertingfromnormalwakinghours.Hisschedulerenderedfamilydinnersimpossiblesomedays,but therewasalwaysfoodonthetable.

Theirdedicationtotheirworkpaidoff.My fathereventuallyswitchedhisfocustorealestate, anothercareerwithgreattimedemandsbutbetter returns.Byworkinghard—andneverquitting untiltheywereofferedthegoldenhandshakeof earlyretirement—theywereabletobuyahouse, putmeandmyolderbrotherinavarietyofactivities,andnearedtheapexofAsianparentingby sendingusbothtouniversity.

WhatIdon’trecallisthemdoingmuchfor themselves.They’dchauffeurustoschoolandour extracurriculars,buttheyrarelyboughtnew clothesorwentonvacationsasacouple.Theytake yogaandtaichiclassesnowasemptynesters,but Idon’tthinktheydidanythinglikethatbefore: Nopickupsoccerforold-timers,nowinenight withfriends.Iftheywenttothereccentre,itwas totakeoneofuskidstoswimmingorsocceror skating,andthenearestthingtoanightoutwould beafamilywedding—withtheemphasisonfamily. Intherear-viewmirror,thesenseofdutyandsacrificeflashestothepointofblinding.

Startinginpregnancy,mothersbegintoloseparts ofthemselves.

Ina2018 NewYorkTimes articleentitled “Reframing‘MommyBrain,’”writeranddoctor AlexandraSacksreferstoastudybypediatrician andpsychoanalystDonaldWinnicottthatexplains thephenomenonknownasprimarymaternalpreoccupation.Dr.Winnicottfoundthatmothers,out ofnecessity,mustlaser-focusontheirhelpless dependentinordertokeepsaiddependentalive. Ourgreymattershrinks,ourbrainsalteredto narrowourfocustoourchildren.

Whilethispsychologicalstateofintenseattentivenessisnecessarytohelpthebabythrive,itcan comeatthedetrimenttothemother’spsychologicalwell-being.Ifthebabyisherworld,whathappenstoeverythingoutsideofthatorbit?What becomesofthosepartsofthatwomanthatexisted beforemotherhoodandareindependentofher identityasaparent?Talkaboutano-winsituation, wheretendingtoyourownneedsisseenasaderelictionofduty.

Thecultureofcontemporarymotherhoodhas triedtorallyagainstthisimperative.Inrecentyears, themessaginghasbeenthatmotherscan—and shoulddemandto—haveitall.“All,”inthese instances,meantkillingitatthemomgamewhile climbingthecorporateladder.Fromthestoriesof workingmothers“leaningin”àlaSherylSandberg, totheriseofmommyinfluencerswho’veparlayed parentingintoapaidgig,examplesofsuccessful motherhoodhaveremainedcentredonthereconfigurationandrebalancingofworkandfamily.

Themathseemsfaulty,oratleast,incomplete.It supposesthatitonlytakestwopartstomakethe wholemother:hercareerandherchildren.Itsupposesthatourinteriorlivesarelessnotableandin noneedofnurturing.Whycan’tmothersstriveto haveafulfillingsocial,spiritual,orcreativelife,too? Tonotonlycareforlovedones,butforourselves?

Ofcourse,therearemotherswhosecreative practiceistheirwork.Andfull-timeartmomsare myheroes.Iapplaudthem,respectthem,andnotso-secretlyenvythem.That’sthedream:todo whatyouloveandgetpaidforit.Thatdream, however,istemperedbytherealitythatartisnot oftenwellcompensated.Accordingtoa2018study bytheWriters’UnionofCanada,morethan85 percentofwritersearnanincomefromtheirwritingthatisbelowthepovertyline.Ifthemajorityof workingwritersinthiscountrycan’tsupport themselvesthroughwritingalone,howcanone hopetosupportafamily?

Agoodmotherprovidessecurityforherchildren—thisisthetaleI’vebeentold.Themoralof theimmigrantsuccessstorymakesitclearthatI shouldfocusonfeedingmychildrenfoodover poetry.Fivehundredwordsadaywillnotkeep themalivethewayasteadypaychequewill.Five hundredwordsadaywon’tpayforopportunities.

I’vebeenremindedofthisadviceoften.After ferryingmetouniversityforthefirsttime,myparentswenttothecampusstoretobuyatchotchke tomarktheoccasion.Ithoughtthey’dpick

FIRSTLETTER

From AfterVillon byRogerFarr.PublishedbyNewStar Booksin2022.Thepoemsin AfterVillon arebasedon thewritingsofthe15thcenturypoetFrançoisVillon. RogerFarristheauthoroffourbooksofpoetry.Helives inVancouver,BC.

Villon, Languageisagameinwhichtherulesareknownonlyto theplayers.

WhenItranslateoneofyourpoems&comeacrossa wordIdon’tunderstand,Ibluff.SometimesIwin,sometimesyoulose.Irecognizeonlyafewwordsofthelanguageyouwrotein.Someofthemwerecounterfeits coinedbyyou&neverseenagain.Webothcheat.

It’sallverydifficult.Iwanttodeciphertheformof life,thegame,notthe“objects.”Ialsoseeksomeadvice about vice.Theproblemissomeofthecodesmayhave beencrackedbycops,&webothknowbetterthanto trustapoeminwhichthepoet sings

I’mgettingwearyofcheaterscheatingcheats.Mash somethingup.Swapthedice.Pretendit’snew.Poets aren’tmurderers.We’re executioners.Honouramong thieves.Thisiswhatismeantby“theTradition.”

Mostofmycontemporarieshatepoetry.Theygetup early,writetheirpoemsinthedark,beardownonthe meaningofeveryword,churnthewordsaroundintheir mouths,garglewithdifferentwords,thenspititoutinan emailaddressedtosomeonedoingtheexactsamething acrosstown.OthersfindpoemsamongtheWires.They havenocontrolovertheirdigits,don’tknowhowto stop.That’stheworst.

Villon,you’renotastraighttalker—yourwordsare queer.Youusewordstocommunicateideastocertain people,whiledeceivingothers.It’sasthoughyou’re playingaGame:yourpoemsarenotthegame,but ratherthemeansforone.Yourwordsarecodes,orcards. Isuspectthemannerinwhichyoudealthemholdsthe secret.

ThatiswhatImusttranslate:an arrangement.It requiresnewmethods.Theoddsaren’tgood.ButI mightgetlucky.

Irepeat—webothcheat.

—RF

STRANGERSTOBATSTOLOVERS

AselectionoffanfictiontagsfromArchiveofOurOwn,anopensourcerepositoryforfanworks.Tohelpreadersfindthekindsof storiesthey’relookingfor,fanficauthorstagtheirworkswith keywordsandphrasesthatarelinkedtogetherinacomplexmetadatataxonomybyAO3volunteers.Findmoreat archiveofourown.org/tags.CompiledbyKelseaO’Connor.

Time-TravelShenanigans

DubiouslyHelpfulWoodlandCreatures

Female-LedReimaginingofDwarvenCivilization

CompleteLackofOlympicsKnowledge

Probablemisrepresentationofhowairportswork

UnrealisticallyLargeBathtub

Vintagegaysadness

StrangerstoBatstoLovers

Derelictmotorvehicles

Authorseeksownemotionalcatharsis

JokesAboutSocks

Directlyinspiredbyawfulholidaymovies

Geese

Scienceisexplainedbadly

AdvancedCuddling

GratuitoususeofaBarenakedLadiessong

Ruralcanadianqueers

CanCon

TheMortifyingOrdealofBeingKnown

Warningforcoldoatmeal

StrangerswhoMetinaFieldtoCoworkerstoFriendstoLovers

TheMortifyingOrdealOfHavingAPodcast

AccidentalBabyAcquisition

Pivotalcheesecakemoments

crueltytohouseplants

LunchAsAnObstacle

Graphicdescriptionsofaterriblesuitbeingdestroyed

Behavingcarelesslyaroundexpensivesilkrobes

Tooth-RottingFluff

CompetitiveBoyfriending

Goose-typicalviolence

horrificmanglingofhockeyfacts

BasedonaTaylorSwiftSong

HistoricallyAccurateGayPeople

TheseeminglyrestorativepowersoftheNorthernLights

Lovelanguage:reheatedchicken

TheInherentRomanticismofaJointRetirementFund

Pastriesasalovelanguage

MinorCharacterDeath-Lamp

Two-personlovetriangle

SpaceWives

somethingwithutilitylikeamugoramousepad. Buttheyoptedforaflimsybumperstickerthat lookedlikeithadbeenprintedfromaglitchy dorm-roomprinter.Itread:MYMONEYAND MYDAUGHTERGOTOCORNELL.I rememberthemhavingagoodchuckleaboutit, saying,“It’sfunnybecauseit’strue.”

Theyneverputitontheircar.Instead,itwas tackedabovetheclothesdryerinthemudroomof ourhousewhere,whenIreturnedonbreaks,I’d beguaranteedtoseeitandberemindedoftheir sacrifice—andthattheleastIcoulddoishelpwith thelaundry.

BeforeIhadkids,IvowedthatIwouldn’tletmotherhoodchangeme.Butthebabiescamealongand theywreakedtheirhavoc.Notjustonmybody,but mybrain.Thankstothatchangeingreymatter,I nowspendadisproportionateamountoftimefeeling badaboutwhatI’m not doing.

Thisguiltoccursregularly,mostoften expressedinastreamofconsciousnessdownward spiralthatmyhusbandreferstoasmyhomageto LucyEllmann’s Ducks,Newburyport:ThefactthatI can’tbeagoodwriterifIdon’tdedicatemoretime toit,thefactthatIdon’thavetimebeforemy boardmeeting,thefactthatthekidsneedtofinish theirValentine’sDaycards,thefactthatnoonewill wanttopublishmybookevenifIfinishit—Iprobablywon’tfinishit;thefactthattheroastwon’t defrostintime,thefactthatIforgottaketheroast outofthefreezer,thefactthatIdon’thaveenough timetowrite,thefactthatIcan’twritewhenIhave time,andtheclockinthekitchenhasstopped.

“WhydoIevenbother?”isthestandardcoda. Myhusbandwaitsformetoutterthisclosingline beforeherespondsinhisusualrationalfashion: “Youwouldn’tfeelsoguiltyaboutitifyoudidn’t wanttodoit.”

Thatmuchistrue:theneedtowritepersists,as doesthedesiretobeagoodmother.Thesolitary exerciseofwritinghasalwaysappealedtomyintroversion:theopportunitytobealone,butalsoina worldofmyownmaking.It’salotliketacklinga jigsawpuzzle.Bothcanbeanexerciseinfrustration, giventheinevitablestallsinprogressandhoursspent staringattheholesinthescenes.Butasamother jugglingamentallaundrylistoftasksandtheburden ofemotionallabour,there’snogreaterfeelingthan figuringouthowallthepiecesfittogether.Toknow thatmybrainstillhasspacetomakesenseofchaos and,forthatmoment,tocontrolit. ��

From ToKnowYou’reAlive byDakotaMcFadzean.PublishedbyConundrumPressin2020.DakotaMcFadzeanhasbeenpublished in MAD magazine,the NewYorker, TheBestAmericanComics and FunnyorDie.Heistheauthorofthreegraphicnovels. HelivesinRegina,SK.

Past,Present,Future

Thesepictographsarefromthesculpturalwork Calgary&AlbertaPast,Present,FutureCount,createdbyAdrianStimson fortheCalgaryCentralLibrary.Theproject,whichincludesforty-onesteelpictographsandthreesculptures,reimaginestheBlackfoot languageofpictographs.Traditionally,itwasuptotheartisttodeterminethesymbolthatrepresentedasinglewordoridea,and thoughdepictionschangedovertime,therewasoftenarecognitionofpreviousartists’work.Throughhiswork,Stimsonaimsto becomepartofthatpictographichistory,honourBlackfoottradition,andbridgetogetherpast,presentandfuture.

NATOSI

TheSun,theuniverse,thegreatmystery.Thecentre ofallthings,knownandunknown.

NAPI

OldMan.Blackfootcreatorandtrickstercharacter. HisstoriestellofBlackfootcreation,lifeandways ofBeing.

GIPITAKI

OldWoman.OftenaccompaniesOldManin Blackfootwaysofbeing.Shereflectsbalance toNapi’sunpredictableways.

OTTER

OneofNapi’scompanionsontheraftinthecreation stories.Otterdovedownandcamebackwithnothing.ConsideredoneoftheBlackfootanimal totems.

BEAVER

OneofNapi’scompanionsontheraftinthe creationstories.Beaveralsodovedownand cameupwithnothing.Consideredoneofthe Blackfootanimaltotems.

LOON

OneofNapi’scompanionsontheraftinthecreation stories.Loonalsodovedownandcameupwithnothing.ConsideredoneoftheBlackfootanimaltotems.

MUSKRAT

OneofNapi’scompanionsontheraftinthe creationstories.Muskratdovedownandcame upwithclaywithwhichNapimadetheland. ConsideredoneoftheBlackfootanimaltotems.

IINII

ThesefourbisonrepresentthetimebeforeEuropeancontactwhenbisonwerebountifulandfilled theirlandscapes.FortheBlackfoottheywerecentraltoallaspectsofbeing.Shelter,clothing,tools, food,medicineandspirituallife.

HORSECULTURE

RepresentingtheintroductionofthehorsetoNorth America,andtheBlackfootmasteryofthisrelationship.

SKYBEINGS

Honouringandrespectingtheforcesofnature. Specificallytheforcesofthesky:wind,thunder, rain,snow,stars,auroraborealisandmore.

SIGNINGOFTHETREATIES

RepresentingthesigningofTreaty7.Thepeace pipecrossingthetomahawkindicatespeaceful coexistence,livingtogetherwithoutconflict.

SIKSIKANATION

ExistingpictographicsymbolfortheSiksika Nation.

STONEYNAKOTANATION

ExistingsymbolfortheStoneyNakotaNation.

KAINAINATION

ExistingsymbolfortheKainaiNation.

TSUUT’INANATION

ExistingsymbolfortheTsuuT’inaNation.

PIIKANINATION

ExistingsymbolforthePiikaniNation.Note: Missingbreathinfrontofmouth.

THEENGLISH

Firstcontact,thecrossrepresentstheBritishCrown.

ROYALCANADIANMOUNTEDPOLICE

HistoricallytheMountiesweredepictedwith pointedortriangularshapedheads,referencing thepickelhaubeonthetopoftheirhelmet.

METISNATION

ArtistinterpretationoftheMetisNation,consistent withhistorictribalidentifiers.

THERAILWAY

TheNationalDream,linkingthecolonies across‘Canada.’

RESIDENTIALSCHOOL

1870–1990s.150,000Indian,InuitandMetis studentsattendacrosstime.

CATTLE

TheintroductionofAgricultureandCattle acrosstheGreatPlains.

HORSE

TheintroductionofAgricultureandHorses acrosstheGreatPlains.

AGRICULTUREANDFARMING

Thereplacementofnaturalprairielandscape withmonoculturalfarmingpractices.

RESOURCEEXTRACTION

Referencingoil,gas,mineralandother resourceextractionprocesses.

AUTOMOBILE

1901,thefirstautomobilearrivesinAlberta. EvolutionoftheHorseCulture,leadingto pavementandroadandtransportationsystems.

AIRPLANE

1911,thefirstaircraftarrivesinAlberta.

CALGARYSTAMPEDE

TheGreatestOutdoorShowonEarth!The beginnings,Blackfootparticipation.

FIRSTWORLDWAR,THECRASH ANDDEPRESSION,THESECOND WORLDWAR

Theeffectoftheseeventsworldwideand theCalgaryandAlbertaconnections.

HUMANSINOUTERSPACE

Anarrowintothesky,theknowledgethat humanshavereachedspace.1961.

THEHUSKYTOWER

NowknownastheCalgaryTower,thissymbol wasoncethetallestbuildinginCalgary, Openedin1968,IremembergoingtoCalgary fromtheeast,thefirstthingwewouldsee wastheHuskyTower,itwasthrilling.

1988OLYMPICGAMES

AninterpretationoftheCalgaryOlympicGames in1988.Thelargetipi,thecauldron,themountains,foothillsandOlympicrings.

TWOSPIRITPERSONS

AnewinterpretationofTwoSpiritedpeople,the bridge,thegenderfluidity,thespirits,theheart.

THEWIDEWORLDWEB

Wearecaughtinaweb,aworldwideweb.What doesitmeanaswebecomefurtherentangled? Whatdoesthebinarycodemean?

BLACKSNAKE

ThePrairieBullSnakecanbemistakenforarattle snakeorlooklikeablackshadowinthegrass. TheLakotaprophecyabouttheblacksnakerefers tothepipelinessnakingacrossthecountry.We areatatimeofreflection,urgencyandaction.

CHANGINGENVIRONMENT

AlsoknownasEarthEmergency,thechanging environmentisuponus,wewilleitheradaptor perish.MotherEarthspeakstous,arewelistening?Whatdoesthefuturehold?

ANEWHOPE

Learnfromthelittleones;observe,learn,mimic, cooperate,defendandnurture.Naturewillteach uswaysofseeingtheworldaroundus.Ourfuture dependsonit.

THEEAGLE

Asymbolofhonour,powerandhopeintothe future.Theeagleholdsthesevengenerationsin itsheart.

THEUNIVERSALTIPI

Frombeneaththeearth,tothelandandwater, foothillsandmountains,theearth,cosmicwaves, apartoftheUniverse,oursunhurtlingthrough space,planetstrailingintotheGreatMystery. PleiadesandBigDipperguidingtheway.Weare alloneintheGreatMystery.

BISONBEING

ThereturnoftheBisontotheGreatPlains,The BuffaloTreaty,assigners,wehavethehonour andprivilegetobringbackthebisontotheGreat Plains.TheBisonisinallofus,makeroomfor theBison.Whatdoesthefuturehold?

STATEMENT068

From TheEmployees byOlgaRavn,translatedfrom DanishbyMartinAitken.PublishedbyBook*hugPress in2022. TheEmployees waslonglistedfortheDublin LiteraryAwardin2022andshortlistedfortheInternational BookerPrizein2021.OlgaRavnistheauthoroffivebooks andlivesinCopenhagen,Denmark.

WhyshouldIworkwithsomeoneIdon’tlike?Whatgood couldpossiblycomefromsocializingwiththem?Why haveyoumadethemsohumantolookat?Icompletely forgetsometimesthatthey’renotlikeus.Standingin lineinthecanteen,IsometimessuddenlyrealizethatI feelakindoftendernessforCadet14.She’saredhead.Or maybeyoudevelopedthemlikethatintentionally,sothat we’dfeelthissympathyfortheirbodiesandthebeings theyare,ifyoucancallthemthat,andmakeworking withthemeasier.Yes.Onlynowyouwantmeto,youwant tochangethenatureofmyassignment?Sowhatyou’re askingmetodoissuperviseCadet14’smovementsabout theship,withouthercottoningon?Becausewesharea bunkroomtogether.Isitbecauseshewon’ttalktoyou? I’mnotverycomfortablewithit,obviously.Whatyou’re askingmetodoisthesameassurveillance,isn’tit?Idon’t likeher,butIstillthinkaboutherallthetime.Sointhat senseIsupposeI’mtherightpersonforthejob.Itryto understandher,whosheis.She’snotjustanembodiment oftheprogram.There’smoretoherthanthat.Isthat

thekindofthingyouwant?Inthereport?Whethershe speakstoanyoftheotherhumanoids,andwhatthey saytoher?Allright,I’llkeepaneyeout.HowwouldI characterizeher?Cadet14ishumanoid,fifthgeneration, female,awell-likedemployee.Doesherworkimpeccably. Arathermeekanddocileversion,likemanyofthefifth generation.She’sfondofthefrecklesonhernose.She looksatherselfinthemirrorinthebunkroombefore goingtobed,andputsherfingertoherfreckles. How human,shesays.Tothinktheygavemefreckles.What morecouldsomeonelikemewishfor? IthinkIloveher.

Ineedtoworkthatoutofmysystem,obviously.No,you don’thavetotransferhertoanotherbunk,I’vealready toldyou,I’llkeepaneyeonherforyou.Isn’tthatit?Isn’t thatwhatyouwant?IfI’mtobeperfectlyhonest,ifthat’s wherewe’reat,Icansayshe’samuchbetterworkerthan me,weallknowit’sthetruth.WhathaveIgotleftother thanafewrecollectionsofalostearth?Iliveinthepast. Idon’tknowwhatI’mdoingonthisship.Icarryoutmy workwithcompleteapathy,sometimesevencontempt. I’mnotsayingthistoprovokeyou.Perhapsit’smore ofacryforhelp.Iknowwewon’tgetawayfromhere inmylifetime.Cadet14hasn’tgotalifetime,orrather hersspanssuchagiganticstretchoftimeit’sbeyondmy comprehension.She’sgotafutureaheadofher.Sonow you’resayingmyjob’schanged?ThatnowI’mtowatch her?Ithinkthismightsavemylife.

What’sItLike?

ELAINEMCCLUSKEY

Excerptfrom RafaelHasPrettyEyes copyright ©2022byElaineMcCluskey.Reprintedbypermission ofGooseLaneEditions.ElaineMcCluskeyisthe authoroffourshort-storycollectionsandtwonovels. ShelivesinDartmouth,NS.

Twitter TheGlobeandMail @globeandmail34m

Areyouonyourthirdmarriage?What’sitlike?Pros? Cons?EmailourreporterDeidreFairfieldforastory: Xavierd@globem.com

To:Xavierd@globem.com

From:gregmac@yahoo.com

Yes,Iamonmythird.What’sitlike?Thinkback towhenyouwereateenagerandimaginethat youweretheonlykidinyourneighbourhood forcedtoattendsummerschoolbecauseyouhad flunkedalgebra.It’sthatsamefeelingofdreadand shamewhenyouawakeeachmorning.Andthe sunmaybeshiningandyourfriendsmaybeheadingtoChestermanBeachinavan,butyouare trudgingtosummerschool,afailure.It’slike that Andyoudon’tknowwhyithappened.Youtell yourselfyouwerejustlazy.Peopleunderestimate laziness.Theymistakenlybelievethatunder-

achievingchildrenmustbetroubled,handicapped, orfailedbytheirparents,whensomearejustlazy. Youhopeitis that.

Butyoufearitissomethingworse.Youfear thatyouaresodeficientthatyoumayneverbe goodatanythinginlife.Likesummerschool,a thirdmarriageisyourlastchance—theone thingthatstandsbetweenyouandthatdirtroadtrailerwithpowerlinesrunningfrom someoneelse’shouse,aplasticrainwatercollector,andanangrydogchainedoutside.

Thepros:ChristmasorEasterarenever boring.Whenyouhaveanextendedand estrangedfamilylargeenoughtostageafull productionof ComefromAway—someoneis boundtogooff,andtheyalwaysdo.Andit makesyouquestioneverydecisionyouhave evermadeinyourlife,everyroadtakenandnot taken.Andself-examinationisagoodthing, isn’tit?

Thecons:Thinkaboutit. Robert

Iwouldpreferthatmyrealnamenotbeused because—well,Iamsureyouknowwhy.

DearRobert, Areyouavailableforaninterviewaboutyourworst Christmas?Wecoulduseyourinitials. Cheers, Deidre

From:MaeveandDonald@hotmail.com DearMissFairfield, Istruggledtofindmypathaftermanylost yearsduringwhichIwasdistantfromGod.And thenIwasblessedwhentheeldersinstructed metomarryDonald,agoodmanwhosewife diedthreemonthsago.IamgratefulthatIhave thehealthtotakecareofDonaldwhoisenteringhisninetiethyear,ablessing.Todaywasa wonderfuldayatthetemple,whereIdidone endowmentandDonaldfour.Nextmonth,we aretravellingtoUtah,whereDonaldwilldo thesealingforhisgreat-grandson.ThereIwill meettherestofhisfamilybeforereturningin timeformythirtiethbirthday,whichwewill celebrateinourhome.

Pros:Themanyblessingsweshare. Cons:None. YoursinGod’simage,Maeve

BUCOLIC

From AHistoryofTouch byErinEmilyAnnVance. PublishedbyGuernicaEditionsin2021.ErinEmilyAnn Vanceistheauthorofthenovel AdviceforTaxidermists and AmateurBeekeepers (Stonehouse)andfivepoetry chapbooks.

Confession:Ifellasleepbythefirelastnight. Itwascoldandnowmysockshavesmallcratersburntinto thetoes.

Confession:Ididnotfeedthegoat beforeIshutthebarndoorandwentinsidetoread.

Confession:Ioftenprodyoutoseeifyouarestillstiff withcold. Whenthetemperatureshifts,Iworry thatyourskinwillsloughoff.

Confession:Idon’tbotherwiththewalktotownmostweeks. InsteadIeatthepickledonionsanddrinkwarmwater inwhichI’vedroppedeggwhites.

Confession:Icrossmyfingersasthewhitescloudinmyglass andwishforyourchildtoleapintomywomb. Theeggwhitesalwaysrevealourbarrenness.

Confession:Ibakedthefollowingitemsintoacake:theleft lensfromyourspectacles;amolar—Ican’tremember whetherit fellfromyourmouthormine;yourweddingband;aquail’s egg; appleseeds. Thecakewaslarge,butIateeverylastbit.Iswallowed theeggwhole.

Afterthewake,Ipeeledanappleinonelongstrip andthrewitovermyshoulder.WhenIturnedtoseethe initial ofthemanIwouldmarrynext,thepeelwasgone.

Confession:Ididn’tthrowitovermyshoulder.Ituckedit underyourhead.Ibrokeoneofthechurchwindows andheldashardofglassunderyournosetosee iftherewasanybreathleftinyou. Therewasnot.

DearMaeve, Wouldyouandyourhusbandliketobeina photo? Cheers, Deidre

From:Mike@nili.ca DearDeidre, ImaybetheonlygaymaninCanadawiththree legalmarriagesonthebooks.IthinkIwasjustso happywhenwefinallygotourrightsthatIwanted in.AndsoImarriedaprofessornamedDennis—an expertin“thehierarchiesofdesirabilityviaerotic capitalinthevaluesystemofgaydesire”—aftertwo shortmonths.WhatcanIsayaboutpoorpedantic Dennisthathasnotbeensaidbefore,thatyoucannot lookupforyourselfonRateMyProf,butIamnot abouttodemonizeDennis.Notatall.

Dennis was adifficultperson—andIsaythat withlove—thatpersoncapableofmakingthe mostbenignoutinguncomfortable.Ithinkofthe timewhenwetookhismothertodinner,andthe waitressaskedifwewouldlikewater,andDennis repliedwitharesounding,“No!!Ibringmyown. Ionlydrinkwellwater.”Andthen,forthedurationofthemeal,nevertookasip.

AfterDennisandIdivorced—hekeptthe Gatineaufarmhouse—ImetArthur.Atthispoint youmaycuetheschmaltzymusic,youmayroll outeveryclichéabouttrueloveandhappyever after,becauseitwaslikethat.Itwas.Arthurwas perfect.Afirefighter,hecouldfixthingslikepipes androofs.Hecouldcook.Whenyousawsix-foottwoArthurarrivingatapartywithaTupperware containeroflemonsquares,yournervoussystem relaxed.Youfelthappy.Arthurwouldmakethe rosesinyourgardenmoreglorious,awalkonthe beachmoreexotic.Arthurwouldgiveyouhislast bottleofhomemadePinotGrigioorhisbest orbitalsander,andmakeyoufeellike you had done him afavour.Andthenhedied.

Whenyoulosetheloveofyourlife…well,you losetheloveofyourlife.Afterthat,youmayfind alesserlove,youmayfindcompanionship,you mayfindalovelymannamedScottwhowilltravel withyouandwhounderstandswhyyoulighta candleonArthur’sbirthdayandwhyyouvisithis momatChristmas,whyyoucollapseinapuddle oftearswhenasongcomesontheradio.Ifyou arelucky,youmay…

Mike

DearMike, Sorryforyourloss.IsScottokaywithbeingin astory? Cheers, Deidre

From:hockeyfan10@hotmail.com DearDeidre, Threetimes.Callmeanoptimist.WhenIgotmarried attwenty-one,Ibuiltusaloghousein MusquodoboitHarbour(NS).Wewerelivingthe dreamwithtwobeautifulkidsandagoldenretriever namedRocket.Ifyouaskmewhatwentwrong,I willdefaulttotheoldestclichéinthebooks—we weretooyoung—whichmeansabsolutelynothing. ButI will tellyouthatmyheartbrokewhenthat marriageended.IlovedthathouseasmuchasIloved GuyLafleur.

Ontherebound,ImarriedAngie,theKenny Linsemanofspouses,masterofthecheapdirty shot,whichisallIwillsayaboutthat.Iwaslikea hitchhikerthumbingacrossthecountry,entering strangecarsandstrangetownswithasenseof fearlessnessthatwas,inhindsight,apathy.Ididn’t careenoughaboutmyselftobeworried.Ididn’t careaboutmyfuture.Iwasreadytotakewhatever lifehadaimedatmebecause,well,shagit.

Numberthree:Igotitrightthistime.Gailis thesweetestwomanyouwouldevermeet.Welive inDartmouth,wherewebothgrewup.Some goofsacrosstheharbourcallitDarknessand that’ssupposedtobeaslag,butthat’sokay becauseDartmouthhasJoelPlaskettandMatt Mayswhowritesongsaboutthetown.DartmouthhasSidtheKidandNathanMacKinnon, whileHalifaxhastheRat.TheLittleBallofHate orwhateveryouwanttocallhim,notthathe cares.He’sgota$49millioncontractinBeantown whereheisahero,andthat’s$49millionmore thanyouorIwilleverseeinourlives,sowhatthe hellamIgoingonaboutanyway?

Pros:It’sajourney. Cons:Idon’tknowwhatIamtalkingabout halfthetime.

Greg DearGreg, Itsoundslikeyouhavefoundyourperfect match.Imaybeintouch.

Best, Deidre ��

RonnieTesslerdocumentedrodeosacross westernCanadaandthroughoutthe AmericanNorthwestfrom1976–1979. Herphotographscapturemorethanjust thesportitself;theyexplorethe momentsbeforeandafterthemainevent, thecommunitysurroundingrodeoand thelifestylethatcomeswithit.These photographsweretakenwithshortlenses atcloserange,allowingTesslertocapturetheintimacyofsmalldetails:facial expressions,flashesofemotion,minute gestures.We’rerighttherewithheras shewatchesamangetbuckedoffhis horseorspotsacowboyinaquiet moment,stretchinghislegsbeforearide.

In2021,SarahGengeproduceda documentaryaboutTessler’sRodeo SeriesincollaborationwiththeJewish

CloseRange

ThePhotographyofRonnieTessler

MuseumandArchivesofBC,where thiscollectionofphotographslives, titled Crackin’Out:TheRonnieTessler Collection.In Crackin’Out,acamera zoomsinonaselectionofTessler’s photographs,onebyone,astheyare placedindifferentlocations—ashop, anemptystadium,acity—afilming techniquewhichmimicstheexperienceofapproachingaphotographon thewallofagallery.Gengeinterviews aselectionofTessler’ssubjectsalongsidepeoplewithdifferentconnections torodeo,creatinganintersectionof voicesthatmirrorsthemanyanglesof Tessler’sphotojournalism.Gengeaims toexplore“thewayinwhichaphotographevokesdifferentstoriesandideas todifferentpeople,justasmuchasit

depictsaparticularmomentintime.” Onewaythat Crackin’Out achievesthis isinquestioningwho’smissingfrom thesephotographs,andfromourculturalnarrativeaboutrodeo.Thefilm touchesbrieflyonqueerandIndigenoushistoriesofrodeo,bringinginthe voicesofAdrianStimson,CeliaHaigBrownandNicholasVillanueva, amongothers,toplaceTessler’sphotographsinabroadercontext.

Whatisunchangingaboutthese images,despitethelensthroughwhich they’reperceived,istheirundeniable energy.Thefull Crackin’Out exhibit, whichfeaturesaselectionofTessler’s photographsalongsidethedocumentary,canbefoundatjewishmuseum.ca/ exhibit/crackin-out. —TanviBhatia

Clownundresses,ca.1976–1979.JewishMuseumandArchivesofBritishColumbia A.2019.005-1-3-L.27137.

Horsebucking,OklahomaCity,OK,1978.JewishMuseumandArchivesofBritishColumbia A.2019.005-1-3-L.27013.

IvanDainesstretching,ca.1976–1979.JewishMuseumandArchivesofBritishColumbia A.2019.005-1-3-L.27100.

Steerrider,Edmonton,AB,1979.JewishMuseumandArchivesofBritishColumbia A.2019.005-1-3-L.26901.

Cowgirl,ca.1976–1979.JewishMuseumandArchivesofBritishColumbia A.2019.005-1-3-L.27214.

BigBird(CarlGerwein)andothers,Lillooet,BC,1976.JewishMuseumandArchivesofBritishColumbia A.2019.005-1-3-L.26968.

Cowboysstandingnearthearena,Edmonton,AB,1978.JewishMuseumandArchivesofBritishColumbia A.2019.005-1-3-L.27001.

JimSolberg,JayWilliamsandothersgettingreadyfortherodeo,Kamloops,BC,1979.Jewish MuseumandArchivesofBritishColumbiaA.2019.005-1-3-L.26904.

IvanDainesandhisfirstwifeKay,preparingiceforhimafterhisride,Edmonton,AB,1977.JewishMuseum andArchivesofBritishColumbiaA.2019.005-1-3-L.27204.

JohnsDoddsandJordieThomsonattheCanadianfinals,ca.1976–1979.Jewish MuseumandArchivesofBritishColumbiaA.2019.005-1-3-L.27097

Womenon horses,Riske Creek,BC,1978. JewishMuseum andArchivesof BritishColumbia A.2019.005-1-3L.27033.

RonnieTesslerbeganhercareerasadocumentaryphotographerin1973.Sheworkedon numerousphotographyprojects,exhibitingherworkinCanadaandtheUnitedStates through1990.Herartworkresidesinanumberofpubliccollections,includingtheNational ArchivesofCanada,theCanadaCouncilArtBank,theCanadianMuseumofContemporary PhotographyandtheJewishMuseumandArchivesofBC.

BloomofYouth

SPENCERLUCASOAKES

Jonesy’sheadinjuryhadexposedacrackandrevealedavoid

Jonesywentfromhousepartytofour-waystoptoemergencyroomtothewaiting areaofahospitalatcapacitytoastairwelltoahallwaywherehewaitedfora radiologist.Theothersfromthefour-waystopwereaheadinline,stiffandstill, wrappedinwhitegownsandmedicalgauze.Lyingflatonagurney,Jonesythought hisbladdermightpopinthebusycorridorsoanursegavehimabedpanand whenheturnedonhisside,hemadeamess.Eventually,thenursenoticedthe darksheetsandshinypuddlebeneaththebed.Jonesyfeltlikeanidiotbutmore thanthathefeltdistant,likehisheadbelongedsomewhereelse,space,maybe. HefoundoutlaterthattheSUVthattransformedhissedanintoabright messofglassandsteamhadcomefromthepartyhejustleft.Ahouseinaquiet suburbonlyafewblocksawayfromthefour-waystop;whenJonesynolonger recognizedanyoneatthepartyhedecidedtogoandtheotherpeoplemust havedonethesameandeventhoughtheytookdifferentpaths,thecoiling streetsledtothesameplace.Jonesy’sfriendParkoalwayssaiddrunkdriving wasn’ttheproblem,otherpeopleweretheproblem.

Onthehospitalbed,Jonesy’sfoamneck-conerobbedhimofhisperipheralsandhiseardrumschirpedonloopwhilehiseyeswateredunderthehallwayluminescence.Herecalledtheambulance’slightsarrivingfirst,maybe notfirst,buttechnicallyfirstthatday,becausetheambulanceappearedsecondsaftermidnight,and,morespecifically,JonesyrememberedParkoand Seblosingtheirmindsoverthetime,howtheykeptyelling,Fridaythe13th! Canyoubelieveit?andlaughingandhadtheaccidentoccurredafewminutes earlierthisdetailwouldbenodetailatall,yetJonesycouldstillhearthem, singingtheirsong,achorusfillingthecorridorwhilehisnursehelpedhim intoanewgown.

Next,Jonesyrememberedgettingtohisfeetbeforebeingpulledbackto theground.Summer’sfinalwarmmomentshadsoakedintothepavementand ParkoorSebkneltoverhim,hiseyesandcheekswet,thesludgeoftearsrunninghotdownhistemples,coolinghisskin,beadsrollingintohishair.Seb, ormaybeParko,pushedthemelsewhere,makingsurenoonesawanddespite

theday-warmedcement,Jonesy’sbodyshiveredinthenight.Trynottomove, they said.I’mlatefortraining,hesaid,ashestruggledagainsttheparamedics. AfewdayslaterwhenSashavisitedJonesy,ashelaidinbedathomeand performedlittlemorethanthesmallactsofwatchingTVorobservingtheceiling,shetoldhimthatParkoandSebweren’tthere.Inthecar,youmean,Jonesy said,butSashameantthepartyandtheaccidentandthehospitalandshe seemedprettysureParkohadbeenathomeandshedidn’tknowaSeb,shesaid, letaloneanyoneontheBulldogswiththatname.

AmonthpassedinablurforJonesyashislastsummerasauniversitystudent cametoanendalongwithpreseasontraining,whilehisearscontinuedto ring,remindinghimofhiscar’shorn.

Jonesyfoundhimselfstandinginhisroomwiththeblindshanginglow;thin slitsofsunlightilluminatedtherockycoversonhisbed.Sweatpants,ahoodie, cottonsocksandspentunderwearonthecarpetlikeconfetti.OntopofJonesy’s dresserwastheget-well-sooncardhisteamhadsignedandgiventohim.Sasha founditonthefloor,underhisgymbag,andtoldhimheshouldputitout.“Winnersneverquit,”“Championshipmentality,”“Victoryisastateofmind,”they wrote.Someoneelsedrewapenis.Abovethechestofdrawers,thewhiteand blacksquaresofacalendarhadbeenpinnedtothewallwiththemostimportant squarehighlightedinyellow,itstextreadHOMEOPENERinaspeechbubble sproutingfromtheheadofacartoondog,abulldog,andwhile,technically,the seasonbeganthisweekendwiththeteamawayontheroad,visitingSt.Mary’s CollegeorDoncrestUniversity,Jonesydidn’tgobecauseofhisconcussion,but, whentheyreturned,andifJonesywasclearedtoplay,itwouldbehisfinalhome opener,ever;hewasaseniornow,thoughhisinjury,hisstupidhead,hadhim seriouslyconsideringwhatitwouldmeanifhecouldn’tplay,ifhehadtospend histimeonthebench,thesideline,likeanobody.Hemightneverplayagain, mightneverwinagain.I’mnotreadyforthebenchoralifetimeofsidelines, Jonesythought,notreadytoberelegatedtonobody-dom;sohedecidedhewould dowhateverittooktomakesurethatdidn’thappenandif,no, when another chancetoplaycamealong,hewouldn’twasteit.

Thefollowingweekslidbylikemistofftheriver.Jonesytriedtoforget theaccidentandfiguredactinglikeeverythingwasnormalwouldserve himwelland,inasense,hefoundthatputtingoninthiswayfeltnodifferent fromanyotherdayofhislife,soevenwhenhisconcussionmadehimfeel especiallylost,whichwasmostofthetime,hestillwenttothegym.During liftsandcurlsandsquatsascratchyhazemadehimfeellikethewallswere closinginonhissight.Jonesypushedextrasetsthroughthedimminglight. Normally,hisinhalesandexhaleswerefluidandunthinkingbutnowthey feltscattered,inscatchingouts,dogschasingtails.WhenJonesy’svisionfully returned,eveninghadarrivedandhefoundhimselfinbed,unsurehow.He assumedhetookthebuseventhoughhiswallethaddisappearedinthecrash. Jonesydriftedoffagainbeforeavibrationcausedhisphonetoglowtolife. Asocialmedianotificationdirectedhimtoawallofpostswherepeoplecommentedonastringofpictureshe’dbeentaggedin;grainyscansanddigital photosoffilmphotosofSebastianSisleski.Jonesycaughthimselfinsome

Photoonpreviousspread:SnowWingsbyEldredAllen,2021,DigitalPhotograph.CopyrightEldredAllen,courtesy theStephenBulgerGallery.Thisphotohasbeenmodifiedfromtheoriginaltomeetprintsizespecifications.

oftheimagesfromwhentheywerekids.InonepictureheandSebwere kneelinginthefrontrowofateamphoto,roundwhitefacesandpinkcheeks, bumpycloudsinthebackground;inthenextpicture,aboveacommentlabeled “firstdayofschool,”thetwoboysstoodwiththeirarmsaroundeachother, brush-cutheads,asoccerball,thumbsup,squintingfromthesunlightbeaming offthedriveway.Jonesyrememberedthatwasthefirsttimehe’dshavedhis head,anactofsolidaritywithhisfriendSeb,whodiedofcancerattheage oftwelve.HowcouldhehaveforgottenSeb’sanniversary?Jonesywondered intheshadowsofhisroom.

Inthemorning,Jonesyreturnedtothegym.Hehadn’tslept,whichultimately seemedlikeagoodthing.HesawParkolaidoutonabenchonthefarside ofthefluorescentroom,pressingdumbbellsintotheceiling.Jonesybeepeda treadmilltolife.

“Jonesy,youlittlefuckboy,you’relateasshit,”Parkosaidwithoutinterruptinghisreps.

Jonesyjoggedandsaidnothing,twothingsthatneverfailedhim.Looking overhecouldseechunksoflightinParko’ssweatwhenParkodroppedhis weightstotheblackrubbermatsthatjigsawedthefloorandsaid,“How’sthe head?Stillsoft?”

Jonesyincreasedthetreadmill’sspeed.“Whyaren’tyouwiththeteam?” Jonesyasked.

Parkolookeddownatthewhitetapewrappedandwoundaroundthe middleofhisleg,hiskneecappoppingoutlikeanegg’syolk,andhobbledcloser toJonesy,exaggeratingthelimp,leaningonthetreadmill’srail.

“SometimesIforgetthatyouneverhadalotgoingonuptheretobegin with,”Parkosaid,swipingahandatJonesy’sbobbinghead.Jonesylikedthe heightdifferencethetreadmillgavehim.Healsolikedthathedidn’thaveto tapeoverhishead.

“Isallthattapenecessary?”askedJonesy.Parkoreachedforthecontrolson Jonesy’streadmillandincreasedthespeed.Jonesyjogged,ran,thensprinted with noproblem,andhesaidasmuchtohimself,repeatingthewordsnoprobleminhishead,untilParkogotbored.

“Youseemfinetome,”Parkosaid,movingawayfromthetreadmill.

JonesypushedhimselftokeeprunninguntilParkoleftthegym,thenrested hisweightonthetreadmillandheavedforair,wideninghiseyesasiftotrigger feelingnormal.Sometimeshecouldn’ttellifheandParkowerefriends.Jonesy liftedropesandmedicineballs.Whenhegotdizzyhelookedathisphoneina searchforfocus.MorepostsaboutSeb’sanniversary.Jonesytypedacomment thencutit.Hedidn’tknowwhattosay,didn’tknowhowanyoneeverknew whattosay,andfelthedidn’twantanyoneelsetoseewhathemightwriteanyways.Sebyouweremybestfriendlol,Jonesydeleted.

Amongthepolishedconcretefloors,rubbermatsandsteelapparatus,a mirroronthewallcontainedanimageofasingularJonesy.Helookedlikea lesserversion,ablinkingsatellitecopy.Thelastfewweekshadrevealedtohim thatit’sonlywhenyou’remadetobeinisolationthatyourealizehowaloneyou are.Hefoundithardtobeawayfromtheteamandunabletoexpresshimself intheusualways:throughslidetackles,headers,laughswiththeboys.Jonesy’s headinjuryhadexposedacrackandrevealedavoid.HetextedSashathatthe workoutwentwell,hisbestoneyet,andsherepliedwithasmileyface.He askedforaride.

Inhisbedroom,Sashagotontop,movingslowandgently,asJonesy’sstomach tensed;hetoldherheneededaminute,tookadeepbreathandpeeredoverthe sideofthebedbeforesittingup,whiletheringinginsideofhisheadcameonlike afirealarm.

“What’swrong?”Sashaaskedasshemovedtositbesidehim.

“It’smyhead.”

“Whichone?”SashalaughedbutJonesystaredpasthimselfatthefloor.They sattogetherontheedgeofthebed.Jonesyleaneddownandpulleduphisshorts.

“Ihaveanidea,”Sashasaid.“Stayrightthere.”

Tenminuteslatertheywerestretchedoutonthebedwiththeirfacescovered inamint-greenlather.Aloeandwhitetea,SashatoldJonesy.Thetelevision glowedwithsitcomrerunsinthedarkroom.Eventually,SashagaveJonesyahairbrushandsatbetweenhislegs.AsJonesybrushedSasha’shairhesensed,forthe firsttimeinamonth,partofthepaininhisheadcoolunderthecoldlayerof lotionandtenderlaughtracksgushingfromtheTV.

Jonesysleptthroughacommunicationsclassandalab.Hecouldn’tremember whyhe’dregisteredinalab.You’reinthewrongroom,someonesaid.Jonesy almosthittheguy.Atlunchhewenttobuytextbooksbutthebookstoreeluded him,toohardtofind.ThecampuspharmacyrevealeditselfandJonesyaskedifthey hadanythingfordizziness.Apharmacistlookedover,inthemiddleofpreparing aflushotforayoungwoman,andaskedJonesyifhewasokay.Jonesytookabottle ofPepto-Bismolandleft.Hispinkdrinkseemedtoworkbecausehefoundhimself atpractice.Theteamwasbackfromtheirmatchawayandaneveningsunsank flushwiththeearth’scurve.ParkotoldJonesytojustwearahelmet.Coachtold himtogohomeandrestforFriday’sgame,everyonewastalkingaboutthehome opener.Jonesyshaggedballsbehindthenetuntilitbecameclearhewasn’tneeded. Eventuallyhecaughtabusgoinginthedirectionofhishouse.Jonesysawababy-faced manwholookedlikeSeb—sameshorthair,holdingasoccerball—getoffatone ofthestopsandgopoofinthedazzleofstreetlights.

Fridayarrived.Onhiswayintothelockerroom,Jonesycouldseethestandsfilling, peopleinjerseysandscarves,thesmoothgreenfieldundertowersoffluorescent light.Alotofblueandwhite.Heheardpublicannouncements,thesmallmarching band,musicfillingtheemptyspace.JonesyfinishedanotherbottleofPeptoandthen thetrainerinterceptedhimsohefollowedthetrainerintotheclubhouseandlifted himselfontothemedicaltableashisstomachknotted.Jonesypreparedforhislife tobesidelinedasthetrainer’spenlightdevouredhiswholeworldinaflash.

“Okay,youlookgood.You’reallset.”

“What?”Jonesypushedtocomprehendthroughthepenlight’sglarewhich superimposedtheroom.

“Yeah,you’reallset.Goodtogo.”Thetrainerwrotesomethingdownina notepad.“Allsignsofheadinjuryorconcussionhavedissipated.Completely.”

“Areyousure?”

“Well,yeah.What’sgoingon,Jonesy?Doyoufeelokay?”

“Ifeelfine,”Jonesysaid.“Completely.”

InthelockerroomtherestoftheteamwentoutoftheirwaytowelcomeJonesy backwithshouldergrabs,softslapstothehead,handshakesandhugs.Bazasked

aboutSasha.Soobzlaughedhard.CoachcalledtohimfromtheofficebutJonesy didn’thear.

“Jonesy,”Roddosaid,“Coachisaskingforyou.”JonesylookedupatRoddo,one oftheyoungestplayersontheteam,anewrecruitwholookedlikeachild,likehe’d neverbeenhurt.“Youdon’tlookgreat,”Roddosaid,“Imean,youlooklikeaghost.”

Jonesypassedthetrainer’sofficeandsawParkoonthetable,lookingflat,knee wrappedinbagsofice.“Iceage!”JonesyyelledbutParkodidn’tlaugh,hejust staredaheadanddeflatedonthetable.

“H

owareyoufeeling?”Coachaskedfrombehindhismetaldesk. “Ifeelgood.”Jonesywobbledandleanedonthedoor’sframe.“I’mallset.”

“Youlookfit,”Coachsaid.“Iheardyou’vebeenintheweightroom.”

“Iwas,yeah.”

“That’swhatIwanttohear.You’reatcentre-halftonight.Iftheywantin,they gothroughyou.”

“Starting?”Jonesyasked.

Jonesyhadstartedeverymatchsincefirstplayingfortheuniversitythree yearsago.Coachlaughedhimoff.

“Dosomedamageoutthere,Jones,we’vemissedyou.”

Jonesy’smemoriesofthegamewereminimal;enduringacalfcramp,colliding withopposingplayers,streaksofcolour:greens,bluesandreds,thefieldon fireinparts,acar’shornhonkingwheneveraplayerkickedtheball,likeacartoon, puddlesofglassandsteamswirlingnearsidelines,howhesawSeb’sfaceonthe opposingteam.Thecrowdshowednothingbutblankfacesofotherpeople,sometimesstopsignsorhigh-beams,andduringamomentinthesecondhalf,Jonesy foundhimselfoutsidehisbody,butmorelikehehadexitedhispain,tradeditfor theflowofthegamewhenanelbowangledoffhischeek.Hefoundhimselfinan automaticcarwash,thensomeoneelsetookoverhiscontrols,instantlyhewas verytall,tootall,hisheadaplanet,inconversationwiththemoon,Whatshould Ido?heaskedthemoon.Youcankeepgoing,themoonsaid,ifyouwantto.I don’tthinkIfeelfine,Jonesysaid.You’vetranscendedfine,myboy,saidthemoon. Iwantittostop,saidJonesytothemoon,butthemoonhadvanished,leavinga blackspotfilledbyayoungSebwhogazeddownathimasheshranktotheearth. Jonesywasonhisbackwhenhisteammatesliftedhimfromthegrassandplaced himinpositionforthenextplay.

TheBulldogswontheirhomeopenerandcelebratedintheshowers,inthe lockerroom,bytheircarsintheparkinglot.EveryonetoldJonesyitwashisbest performance,theyweregladtohavehimback.Jonesypuked.Theycheered.They weregoingtoahouseparty.

Inhisbedroom,Jonesyheardaringinghethoughtsignalledhowpermanently damagedhemightbe,buthedidn’twanttotellanyone.Whenheclosedhiseyes, hesawimagesofacrashtestdummy’sfacegetmashedwhilerubberandplastic balloonedinslowmotion,likeaTVcommercialplayingonaVHStape,thenhe sawemptysidelines,unoccupiedbleachersandnobodies.Hishigh-pitchedreminder cooledbrieflywhenSashaappeared,thoughhedidn’tnoticehercomein.

“Mygentlegiant,”shesaid,andsheputherhandonhisshoulder.Itlookedlike she’dbeeninthebedforsometime.Theykisseduntiltheydidn’t.Againhe

couldn’tgethard.Sheranherthumbsoverhistemples.Atouchlikefeathers,like runningwater.

Sashaneverspentthenight,butshehadfallenasleep.Jonesylistenedtoher breathandwhilenotwantingtowakeher,gotupforaglassofwater,thinking maybehecouldflushthehurt.Inthebathroom,hefilledandemptiedtheglass, losingcount.He’dstayupallnightorwethimselftrying.Whenhecouldn’tdrink anymore,hewentbacktobed.

Sashasatperchedontheedgeofthemattress,themoonilluminatingher throughtheblinds.Shehadherclotheson,leatherjacket,keys,phone,baginhand.

“Ifellasleep,”shesaid.

“Youshouldstay,”hesaidandsatbesideher.

“Maybenexttime.”Shekissedhisheadinthemosttenderspotandwhite flashesfilledtheroom.Jonesydidn’tmove.

“I’msorryabout,youknow,whatever’sgoingon.”Helookedathislap. “Don’tworry,okay?”

Jonesywantedtosaythathewasn’tgoingtobeokayandSashaseemedtobe waitingforhimtosayasmuch.HethoughtaboutshowingherthepicturesofSeb andhimaskids.Theysaidgoodnight.

Porndidn’tdoanythingandheeventuallyturneditoffforsportshighlights whichalsodidn’thelpfindpeaceorsleep.Theclockread2:47.Lyinginbedand lookingintohisphone’sblindingscreen,Jonesyscrolledupthroughtimeinhis textconversationwithSashaandstoppedataphotoshe’dsenthim.Init,she stoodacrossfromamirrorhavingjustgotoutoftheshower,withherphonein herhandandbeadsofhotwatercoatingherbody.Jonesyremainedlimp.He swipedtothenextpicturewhichwastheselfieshetookofthetwoofthemwith theirfacescoatedingreen;itwasn’tlikehefeltnothingwhilestaringatthephoto, no,infact,hefelttwelveyearsoldagain.Hetypederectiledysfunctionintohis phone’sinternetbrowser,butthatjustmadehimfeelstupidandthenthescreen’s glarebegantopressintohimlikeaniron,andhisstomach,withamindofitsown, madeitswayoutandhestumbledintothebathroombeforevomitingintothe toiletandontothefloor.Jonesydrankmorewaterwhichalsofounditswayinto thetoiletbowl.Hesearchedforreliefamidboutsofpukinganddizzystreaksbut allhefoundinthetoiletwaterwashisdistortedsilhouetteandafeelingofconfusionandheknewthenhowoftenhehadbeenconfused,alifetimespentinadaze, asifallthistimehisinnerworkingswerefallingshortofwhathisprogramming intendedhimtobe.You’realwaysconfused,hethought,don’tknowhowto grieve,can’tevenloveright.Jonesyfeltcheatedbythewayhehadlivedhisentire life.Winningwasnothingbutadebtowedtotheinevitabilityofloss.

AtpracticetomorrowJonesywouldsayhewasnotfine,hewouldtellhisteammatesabouthisfriendSebandfinallyopenuptoSasha,butnowthedimworld dimmedandflickeredandhisdreamsofchangefadedeverytimeaheadrushcircledandlandedlikeadrunk-driversideswipe.Hekneltbeforethetoilet,fighting thespasms,faceleakingintotheporcelain.Jonesysquintedinthedarkandmade outthebitsofhimselforbitingthetoiletbowl—whoheusedtobe.Thismustbe whatlosinglookslike.

SpencerLucasOakesisawriterfromSaskatoon,SK,livinginVancouver,BC.Hiswriting appearsin Maisonneuve and PRISMinternational,andwasrecentlyshortlistedforthe Fiddlehead’s2021fictioncontest.HehasanMFAfromtheUniversityofBritishColumbia’sSchoolofCreativeWriting.

WalkingintheWound

JUDYLEBLANC

Itisracism,notrace,thatisariskfactorfordyingofCOVID-19

Theblurredoutlineofalonefishermanemergesoutofthemorningfogalongtheshore. It’sOctober2021,andwe’rewellintothefourthwaveoftheCOVID-19pandemic.I sitatmydeskandthroughthewindowIwatchthefishermancastandcastagain.I’ve spentthemorningdiggingontheweb,whichhasledmetothereportnowopenonmy computerscreen.FromtheTŝilhqot’inNation,it’stitled DadaNentsenGhaYatastɨg;in Englishthismeans Iamgoingtotellyouaboutaverybaddisease

***

Englishivycreepsfromtheneighbour’syardandembedsitstinyrootletsintothefence, concealingtheboardsbehindaleafycurtain.Wetearatit,butitpersists.It’sthesame withthefieldbindweedthatspreadsevenfaster,drapingthebankalongtheshoreand twiningaroundthebarbedleavesofthenativemahoniaandtheNootkarose.Alover ofdisturbedsites,itoccupiesthespacebeneathandaroundthestairstothebeachbelow ourhouse.Itsleavesaretheshapeofarrowheads,anditsvine—skinnyasthread—iseasy enoughtosnapwithaflickofthethumbnail,buttherootscrawlundergroundwhere theytracegreatnetworksimpossibletodislodge.Inthisway,theyrecordahistoryon theland.

***

Disease,too,writesahistory.Mygreat-auntStellawasoneofmanychildren—roughly oneinfiveatthetime—whoreturnedhomefromaNativeAmericanboardingschool withtuberculosis,orTB,onlytodieshortlyafterwards.TB,abacterialinfectionprimarily affectingthelungs,spreadinNativeAmericanboardingschoolsduringthelasthalfof thenineteenthandthefirsthalfofthetwentiethcentury.ThesituationinCanadawasn’t anybetter.Dr.PeterBryce’sreportfrom1907statesthattuberculosiswasrampantin Indigenousresidentialschools,withtwenty-fourpercentofstudentsdyingeitheratschool orsoonafterleaving.DavidDejongreferstoTBasthe scourge ofIndiancountry.

IcantracemyCoastSalishancestors onmymother’ssidebackto1853whena womannamedZICOTofthe WSÁNEĆ NationmarriedaScotnamedPeter Bartleman.TheirdaughterRosaliemarriedWilliamHoustonwhosemothercame fromeithertheSuquamishtribeinWashingtonortheTsleil-WaututhNationfrom BurrardInletinBritishColumbia.Rosalie andWilliamweremygreat-grandparents. Theiroldestofeightchildrenwasmy great-auntStella,andtheiryoungestwas mygrandmother,whohadsixchildren includingmymother.WhenIattemptto sketchafamilytree,namesanddatesmultiply,burgeonoutwardandlengtheninto branchesthatcrossoveroneanotherleavinggapsandblankspaces.Thisfamilytree, asifitwerealivething,fansintoafiligree inwhichpatternsrepeat,thenabruptly end,thenstartupagain.Acreeping rootstock.

***

TheTŝilhqot’inNationreport,dated March2021,isaboutatwenty-firstcentury scourge.Apullquoteintheintroduction reads: ThisreportisspecifictotheCOVID-19 pandemic.Butthemessagethatemergesisthat theemergencyisnotsimplythepandemic. Rather,theunderlyingandongoingemergency isthepersistenceofcolonialisminCanada.

***

SomedaysallIseeareinvasivespecies.I walkthedogatthebaseofthemountain onoldloggingroadsovergrownwith Himalayanblackberry,bracken,variousthistles,andcolumnsofScotchbroom.In 1850,CaptainWalterGrant,aScottishsettler,broughtScotchbroombackfrom HawaiiandplanteditonhisSookefarm. Perhapshewasattractedbytheprospect ofhillsideslitupinspringtimewiththe shrub’sbrightyellowflowers.Asitturns out,theseflowersaretoxictohumansand animals,andbroomdisplacesnativeand beneficialplants.Theproblemissobadon VancouverIslandthatavolunteergroup namedBroombusterssetsouteveryspring

toclearroadsides,parksandproperties oftheinfestation.

***

Upuntilthe1950s,“virginsoil”theory, whichheldthatIndigenouspeople hadn’tbeenexposedtothediseasesof thewhiteman,andthereforewere moresusceptibletoillness,wasthemost widelyacceptedexplanationforthe higherratesofTBamongsttheIndigenouspopulation.Thisbeliefpersisted despitemountingresearchimplicating socio-economicconditionsandevidenceconfirmingthepresenceofTB antibodiesandlong-healedlesionsin Indigenouspeople.Inanarticleonthe CBCwebsitetitled“WhyhaveIndigenouscommunitiesbeenhitharderby thepandemicthanthepopulationat large?”AinsleyHawthornclaimsthat thevirginsoiltheoryabsolvedEuropeansettlersof“anymoralresponsibilityfordepopulation.”

Whatresponsibilitydowehave towardoneanother?Accordingto IndigenousServices,asofDecember 2021thereweretwiceasmanyactive casesofCOVID-19onFirstNations’ reservesthaninthegeneralCanadian population.TheTŝilhqot’inreport outlinesdisparitiesinaccesstoclean drinkingwaterandhealthservices betweenIndigenousandsettlercommunities.Foodinsecurity,underemployment,povertyandinsufficientdata trackingthenumbersandlocationsof infectionsincreasetheriskofcontractingCOVID-19.Theseconditionsexist inFirstNations’communitiesacross CanadaaswellasacrossNativeAmericancommunities,makingthem vulnerable,not susceptible tohigherincidence ofdisease.

***

In1870,adoctorwhoworkedwiththe Winnebagoessaid,“Theprevailingdisease istuberculosis,whichisslowly,butsurely, solvingtheIndianproblem.”

***

ThedogandIwalkonthedesertedlogging road,andaboveusclear-cutsdotthemountainsidelikerawsoresandthepowerline snakesupwarduntilitdisappears.Itstransmissiontowersandcableslinkonetoanother, scoringanavenuethroughtheforestand acrossthemountainsidesinalldirections. Inthedistance,theIslandHighwayhums withtrafficheadingnorthandsouthorto oneofthreeferryterminalswherecarscross thewatertomeetthenetworkofroadsthat traceanentirecontinent.

***

Great-AuntStellawasofmixedrace,and herIndigenousancestorshadlived

amongstwhitesettlersandbeenexposed totheirdiseasesforoveracentury.She contractedTBatagefourteenin1905 whileattendingChemawaIndianBoarding SchoolnearSalem,Oregon,witharound sixhundredotherstudents.Adocument fromtheSeattleArchiveslists148childrenintheschoolhospitalwhenGreatAuntStellawasadmittedinJanuary1905, roughly25percentoftheschool’spopulation.TheMeriamReportreleasedin 1928deliveredascathingassessmentof theconditionsinNativeAmericanBoardingSchools.Poornutrition,overcrowded dormitories,andunsanitarylivingconditionswereidealconditionsforthespread ofdisease.

***

The2021Tŝilhqot’inreportstatesitis “racism,notrace,thatisariskfactorfor dyingofCOVID-19.”

***

Nearthegravelpitofftheloggingroad,a handfulofbulletshellsarescatteredonthe groundalongwithsquishedbeercans.A pieplatenailedtoatreeshowsevidenceof targetpractice.I’mgratefulthere’snoone aroundtoday.Gunblastputsmeonedge, sotoothethoughtofacougarsomewhere inthetrees,waiting.Butthisismyfamiliar, thebodyneverquiterelaxed.I’mathome withthescruffandscramble,thestruggle betweenoldmountains,cedarandshifting sky—andarudeandinvasivespecies.My earattunedforgunsandcougars,forsigns ofruin.

***

Mygreat-grandparentswerenottoldthat theirdaughterStellawasilluntiljustbefore ChemawaIndianBoardingSchoolsenther hometodie.AfterStellareturnedhome, herparentswrotetotheschoolmanytimes toaskthattheysendherbrotherFredso hecouldbewithhissisterinherlastdays. Theselettersweremetwithsilence.

***

WhenmydogandIwalkaloneonthemountain,Icarryastickcarvedfromalaurel branch,anotherinvasivethatwe’vebeen unabletoeradicatefromouryardbutdo keepundercontrol.Thestickisofadense, heavywoodthatmightonedayprotectme fromacougar.Idon’tknowifthere’sa cougarnearby,butthere’salwaysthepossibility:VancouverIslandhasthehighest concentrationoftheminNorthAmerica.

Hypervigilanceisconsideredasymptomoftrauma.Ithinkoffamilystories nottold,mymother’smistrustofothers, howmyfathersaidshewas“slowto warm.”Irecallherquickintakeofbreath, widenedeyes,thetensioninherjawatthe firstsignoftrouble:anoverlookedbill,a busyhighway,asickgrandchild.

***

Atthebeginningofthefirstwaveofthe COVIDpandemic,aYellowheadInstitute researcher,CourtneySkyefromtheSix Nations,saidonCBCthatwithholding dataaboutspecificwhereaboutsof COVID-19casesunderminesIndigenous autonomyandputsIndigenouslivesat risk.Knowingthereexistsathreatinone’s environmentwithouthavinganyspecific informationoragencytoactonitengenderswhatSkyecallsa“vigilantementality.”

***

SometimesIlongforafreckle-lessskin, mymother’ssmoothbrownlimbs.Ifeel— whatisit?—shamethatIpasssomuch moreeasilythanshedid,thatsheandI knewsolittleaboutourCoastSalishancestry,thatweknewnothingaboutAuntie Stella.Ihaveahouseonthebeachonthe traditionalterritoryofthePentlatchspeakingpeoplewhosenumbersweresignificantlyreducedbytwosmallpoxepidemics,warwiththeLekwiltokpeople fromthenorth,andencroachmentfrom settlers.Theirchildrenwouldhavebeen senttoresidentialschools.ThisI’veonly learnedrecently,andthemoreIlearn,the moreit’sasifthepastmergeswiththe present.Iliveinthishigh-ceilingedwaterfronthouseonthislandthatthrumswith history.Myprivilegeislikeasentence,the costofmygrandmother’sbetrayalofher ancestry,myfamily’sdenial.

***

IwriteabriefarticlefortheFannyBay flyer,anappealtoorganizethecommunitytoridthebeachofitsbindweed.I describetheproliferationofthisinvasive speciesonthebankandthepotential destructiontothecoastalvegetationabove theshore.Noonecontactsme.

***

Knowledgedoesn’tleadtochangethough wisdommay.Astrongsenseofequity formsthefoundationofwisdomandat itsbasisarecognitionoftheintercon-

nectednessofalllivingthings,or interbeing,aphrasecoinedbytheBuddhist teacherThichNhatHanh.Thisechoes theexpression“allmyrelations”used amongstmanyIndigenouscommunities toreflectaworldviewthatacknowledges aninterdependencebetweenallthat existsintheuniverse.Theshoreisme andyouareme.Iamyou.So,too,the nativekinnikinnickandmahonia.We keeponeanotherinbalance:you,meand themahonia,andthereforeweare responsibleforoneanother.

***

Iwanttoknow,butnotinthewayone knowsafterreadingbooksonracismand attendingtalksonculturalsensitivity.I wanttowalkthroughaclear-cutandlet thedistantsquealofasawandtheechoingscreamofacougarfracturethe silence;Iwanttoyankandtwistthe ScotchbroomawayfromthekinnikinnicksohardIgetblistersonmyhands, maybeevenblood,tofeelhopelessness, butIwon’tstop.IthinkwhatImeanis Iwanttoknowitinthebody,tositfor uncomfortablehoursandmeditateon loss.

***

Althoughtheterm soulwound hasbeen expropriatedbypopculture,according toEduardoDuran,NativeAmericanpsychologist,ithaslongbeenanintegralpart ofIndigenousknowledgeusedtodescribe themultigenerationaldebilitatingdistressthatistheresultofcolonization.In the InternationalHandbookofMultigenerationalLegaciesofTrauma,Duranetal. describethesymptomsof acculturative stress as“anxiety,depression,feelingsof marginalityandalienation,heightened psychosomaticsymptoms,andidentity confusion.”

Mymothertellingmemonthsbefore shediedthatshedidn’tknowwhereshe belonged.Andyearsbeforewhenmy fathercalledtosayshe’dfallen,thatit washardlyafall,butshewouldn’tgetup

andshewouldn’tlethimnear.Heputher onthephone.

“Hesaysthere’snopain,it’sallinmy imagination.”

Therewaspain.

***

Aclear-cutisawoundonthelandscape. Fromthehighway,theseloggedpatches makethemountainappearscrapedraw,and asyoudrivenorthonVancouverIslandpast smallerandincreasinglyremotecommunities,theclear-cutsspreadwiderandare morefrequent.Theheavilypopulatedsouth Islandwaslogged,subdivided,anddevelopednearlytwocenturiesago.Atitstipin Victoria,whereIlivedformostofmylife, itwaseasytoforget.UnliketheComox Valley,Iwasn’tconfronteddailywiththe remainsofagreenerday,animmenseforest fromatimethatisslippingaway.IguessI wasinsulatedfromthepast,butnowIthink Iwasmissingsomething.WhenIwalkin thewoundonthemountain,I’msurroundedbylifestrugglingtocarryon. Awarenessofthisstrugglecomesmorefrom adeepknowingthanfromseeing,aresult ofseeking.

ThedogandIknowplacesonthe mountain:long-abandonedroads,animal trailsbeneathtallmaplesthatdwarfthe coloniesofScotchbroom.Againstablue autumnsky,themaples’andthealders’ brittleyellowleavesglitter.Theairis wovenwithcedar-scent,anddeeperinthe thirdorfourth-growthforest,thickbedsof mossarespeckledwithmushrooms.SometimesthedogandIsitbytheriver,the rollingwatermurmuringlikevoicesfrom thepast.

***

Duranetal.delineatesixphasesinhistorical traumaspecifictoIndigenouscommunities. Underthe“BoardingSchoolPeriod”they saythat“childrenwereforcedintoacolonial lifeworldwheretheNativelifeworldwas despisedandthoughtofasinferiorandevil.” IsthistheechothatpassedfromGreatGrandmotherRosalietomygrandmother

Pearlwhomarriedaltogetherthreewhitemen, tomymotherwhomarriedmywhitefather, tofreckledpale-skinnedmeraisedasawhite womanwhoseesherIndigenousancestrydissolvingintoanelusivepast?

***

In1958ataBritishconferenceontuberculosis,SouthAfrica’stopTBexpert,B.A. Dormer,said,“…ifanynationwithlimited resourcesatitsdisposal,betheyfinancialor human,weretoputitsmoneyintogoodfood foreverycitizen,properhousingforevery citizen,cleansafewaterforall,properdisposalforsewageandwasteforthewholecommunity—itcouldsafelyignoretheever increasingdemandfortheprovisionof expensivehospitals,clinics,physicians,chemicals,antibioticsandvaccinesinthecampaignagainsttuberculosis.”Morethansixty yearslater,TBpersistsinthepoorercommunitiesoftheworld,includingIndigenouscommunitiesinCanada.In2018,Canada’schief publichealthofficerTheresaTampresented areporttitled“TheTimeisNow,”atwentypageappealtofinallyeliminatetuberculosis inCanadawhereshenotedthatratesofTB werefortytimeshigherinFirstNations’communitiesandalmostthreehundredtimes higheramongsttheInuit.

***

COVID-19entersthelungsinthesameway asTB,thoughtheformerisviral,andthelatterbacterial.ChronicObstructivePulmonaryDisease,orCOPD,whichisn’t contagiousunlessmanifestingascertaintypes ofpneumonia,isagroupofprogressivelung diseases,mostcommonlyemphysemaand bronchitis.Mymother,whowasagrand smoker,ultimatelydiedofCOPD. Researchersarecurrentlyinvestigatinga geneticdispositiontowardthisdisease.A numberofyearsago,Iwasdiagnosedwith mild“exercise-induced”asthma.I’venever beenasmoker,thoughIlivedwithsmokers forthebetterpartofmylife.Whenthedog andIgoupalongtheoldroadstowardthe mountain’shigherpeaks,sometimesaspectral handclaspsmylungsandcausesmetostop

tocatchmybreath.Mylimbsgrow leaden,andI’masnumbasaclear-cut;I nameitgrief.Iwishmymotherwerehere. Ithinknowwecouldtalk.I’dtellher sometimesIfeelasifIamtheinvasive species.

***

Colonialismspreadsitstendrilsintoeverything,fromhowweteachourchildrento howwecareforthesick.Butitstenacity issurfacespreadonly,itssubstratuman illusion.Thereisnoupendingcultures whoserootshavegrowndeepintothisland forthousandsofyears.TheTŝilhqot’in areoneofmanyFirstNationswho’ve takenactionstoprotecttheircommunitiesfromCOVID-19.Thesenationshave sentpetitionstothegovernmentinwhich they’veaskedforjurisdictionovertheir owndata;they’veerectedroadblocksto limittheircommunitiestoresidentsonly; they’vearrangedvaccinationsfortheir membersandisolationforthoseinfected withthevirus.They’remanagingthepandemicintheirterritoriesdespitebarriers atthebottomofwhicharepersistentracist attitudes.Thesearenottheactionsofvictims,buttheenactmentofresistance,of survivance. ***

Bytheafternoonthefoghaslifted,and thefishermangonefromtheshore.The sunslantsthroughthetallfirsandwashes theopenpartoftheyardbeyondthewindow.It’soneofthosefinefalldaysIlove. I’vebeentoolongatmydesk,andsometimesthishouseisatrap.Ineedtoget outside.Onmywaydownthestairstothe shoremyeyesscanforbindweed,looking pastthedunegrass,thewildroses,the thimbleberrybushesandmahoniaasif they’renotthere.SatisfiedthatmyhusbandandIgotmostofitinAugustwhen westagedourlastassault,Idroptothe beachandstretchmylegsoutonthe gravel.

Thatdaywe’dtornattheflimsy weedsthroughthehotmorning,our

armsscratchedfromrosethornsand ourforeheadsslimedwithsweat.Our neighborwithhisolddogathisside hadstoppedonhiswalk.Sinewyand tough,hewasaformerloggerlikemy father.

“You’llneverberidofit,”hesaid.He shookhishead,andweagreed.Hegesturedtowardthespadeinmyhand. “Youdon’tneedtodigitout.Soonasit appearsabovethesoil,plucktheleaves. That’llweakenitsrootsandslowit down.Justdon’tgiveitthelight.”

Theseaisstill,abrilliantblue,and thesunwarmsmyback.I’mwondering whatitisIgivethelightto.We’vebeen talkingaboutcuttingdownafirtomake roomforanoakthathasgrownfroma seedlingtoatwenty-foottreeintheten yearswe’velivedhere.Thiswould removetheoakfromthefir’sshadow, allowingitmoresun.Theoakgrows slowly,butitstrunkanditslimbsare

muscularandgraciousatthesametime. Ever-lengtheningbranchesspanoutwardstotraceleafypatterns.It’sanative treethatquietlyinsistsonitspresence, asdothehistoriesofthisland,asdoes thefuturewhichwecan’tpossiblyknow. Wecanlieinwait,steelourselvesfor whatmaycome:disease,climatedisaster, deprivation—orwecangrowwhatwe have,strengthenourgoodroots.Iclose myeyesandliftmyfacetothesun.A breezestrokesmyface,andIgettomy feet.

JudyLeBlancisawriterfromFannyBay,located ontheuncededtraditionalterritoryofthe K’ómoksFirstNation.Severalofherstoriesand essayshavebeenpublishedinCanadianliterary journals,andhercollectionofshortstories, The PromiseofWater,waspublishedbyOolichan Booksin2017.

CollateralDamage

STEPHENHENIGHAN

Whenbuildinganation,culturalrichescanbelost

Asixty-five-year-oldwomanwho livesinmyfriendFedir’sapartmentbuildinginKyivwenttoworkin thegardenplotofhercottageonthe edgeofthecity.Glancingup,shesaw Russiansoldiersapproaching.She watchedasyoungpeoplecameoutto challengethesoldiersinUkrainianand wereshotdeadinfrontofher.Speaking tothesoldiersinRussiantogivethem theimpressionthatsheacceptedRussiandominance,Fedir’sneighbour retreatedtohercottage’sdirt-floored cellar.Shelivedtherefortwoweeks, survivingonvegetablesfromhergarden.Bythetimeshewasabletocreep outatnightandslipintothecitycentre, Russiansoldiershadtakenupresidence inhercottage.

FedirandImettwentyyearsago, whenwewereroommatesfora monthwhiletakinganadvanced RomaniancourseinBaiaMare, Romania.Webothbecametranslatorsoftheearlytwentieth-century writerMihailSebastian,IintoEnglishandFedirintoUkrainian.For yearswespokeoffindinganexcuse forFedirtotraveltoCanadaormeto traveltoKyiv.Itneverhappened;our mostrecentin-personmeeting,in 2018,tookplaceinRomania.Asingle maninhisfifties,Fedirbelongstoa generationthatgrewupasRussianspeakingcitizensoftheSovietUnion. Thoughhislatemotherwasa

nationalistpoetwhowroteversein UkrainianduringtheSovietperiod, Fedirlearnedtobecautiousinhis assertionsofUkrainianidentity.He applaudedtheyoungUkrainianswho foughtfordemocracyandtiestothe EuropeanUnionduringthecrisisof 2014,whenRussiaoccupiedCrimea, startedawaronUkraine’seastern borderandtriedtoinstallapuppet presidentinKyiv.Yet,asmuchashe admiredtheseyoungpeople,Fedir continuedtodistinguishbetweenthe KremlinandtheRussianlanguage: betweenthecolonizingapparatusand theculturalachievementsofRussian writersandthinkers.Hisstudents, increasingly,didnot.In2019Fedir wrotetomethatwhenteachingthe historyofancientGreeceandRome, hecouldnolongerassignsecondary readingbytheRussianscholarsfrom whomhehadlearnedaboutthesubject.ThoughUkrainianandRussian aremutuallycomprehensible,hisstudentsnowrepliedtotheassignment ofRussian-languagereadingwith, “Sorry,Idon’tspeakRussian.”

Ukrainehasaccelerateditstransitiontowardsnationhoodwithaspeed thathasoutragedRussianassumptions andbewilderedsomeUkrainians. Muchisgainedinbuildinganation; richescanalsobelost.Ifirstentered UkraineonaJulymorningin1994, oneofabusloadofESLteachers

headingeast.Afteranightdriving throughthePolishforest,wereached theUkrainianborderat5a.m.The bordercrossingtookthreeandahalf hours.TheSovietUnionhadceasedto existtwoandahalfyearsearlier,yet thescrappypaperformswewere obligedtofillintolduswewereentering“theUnionofSovietSocialist Republics”andmustpresentfor inspectionall“printedmatter, manuscripts,films,soundrecordings, postagestamps,graphics,etc.”Theuse ofresidualSovietformsandbureaucracy,invokingthecensorshipofthe past,madeUkrainefeelasthoughit lackedtheapparatusofanation.The transitionfromPolandwaschastening. Thefieldsweresmallerandscrubbier, theroadswereclutteredwithloose fowl,oldwomeninscarves,children withoutshirtsorshoes.Thecityof Lvivwaswreathedinwhitishsmog. Thecountrydidnothaveaformal currency,onlytheKarbovanet,popularlyknownasacoupon,whichtraded at45,000totheUSdollar.Behindthe desolationrosethegrandioselinesof Habsburgarchitecture,attestingthat westernUkrainesharedahistorywith PragueorBudapestratherthan Moscow,orevenKyiv.

Iwasremindedofthiscultural diversityonalatervisittothewestern partofthecountryin2008.In Suceava,innorthernRomania,I

innocentlyboardedabusthatserved asavehicleforasmugglingrun.The driverandthewomenlugginghuge bagsofcontrabandonboardwere astonishedtoseeaforeignerappear andhandthedriveraticket.Thistime myentrytoUkrainewaseffortlessas theborderofficialshadbeenpaidoff.I wasvisitingChernivtsi,whichRomanianscallCernăuţi.DuetothescramblingofbordersineasternEurope, thiscity—whereRomania’snational poet,MihaiEminescu,spenthischildhood—isnowinsideUkraine.The numberofRomaniansinUkraineis disputed,withjournalisticestimates runningfrom150,000to500,000 people,andstaunchRomaniannationalistsclaimingthatonemillionoftheir compatriotsaremaroonedonthe wrongsideoftheborder.Though RomaniahassupportedtheUkrainiansduringtheRussianinvasion, Ukraine’scurtailingoftherightsof Romanianchildrentostudyintheir ownlanguageremainsatenseissue betweenthetwocountries.In2017, confrontedbyevidencethathigh schoolgraduatesfromethnicminority groupsoftenlackedproficiencyin Ukrainian,thegovernmentinKyiv tightenedupaccesstoschoolingin languagesotherthanUkrainian.In July2021,Ukrainianwasdeclaredthe country’s“constitutionallanguage,”in whichallchildrenmuststudy.SchoolinginRussian,Romanian,Slovak, Hungarianandotherminoritylanguageswasterminated.Thissuppressionoflinguisticdiversityisattheroot ofHungarianpresidentViktorOrbán’s furtivesupportforMoscow.Orbánhas boastedthatHungary’srewardfor helpingtheRussianswillbethe restorationofHungariansovereignty toUkraine’sTranscarpathiaregion, whichcontainsanestimated150,000 Hungarianspeakers.

InChernivtsiIfoundViennesecoffee houses,cobblestonedstreetsnamedafter Jewishwriters,Austro-Hungarianapartmentblocksundergoingrenovation.

Presidingoveratentativeeconomic stabilitywerethestatuesofthe nationalpoetsofRomaniaand Ukraine:EminescuandTaras Shevchenko.Thefactthatbothbards werepresentfeltlikeevidenceofa tolerationofculturalmultiplicity.On themorningofmydeparture,latefor mybusbacktoRomania,Iflagged downataxi,andtriedtoexplain whereIwasgoinginmynon-existent Ukrainian.Thedriverinterruptedme innativeRomanian:“Areyougoing togetthebustoRomania?”Yes,Itold him,delightedtofindsomeoneI couldspeakto.Ihadbeenrescuedby culturaldiversity.

Fourteenyearslater,Fedir’smost recentemailmessagedescribeswatchingfourRussianrocketsskimlow overhisapartmentbuildingtodestroy thefactoryattheendofhisstreet. “People,”hewrites,“havebeentransformedintosavagebeasts.”Thefactorywasgone,hetoldme,andsowas theRussianlanguage,recentlyeliminatedfromhisuniversity’scurriculum alongsidethreesubjectsheusedto teach:Greek,LatinandRomanian. EvenUkrainianliteratureisbeingcut tofocusonteachingtheUkrainian language.“Iwon’tfarewelliftheRussianscome,”Fedirwrites.Ukraine’s strugglefornationalsovereigntymust bewon.Butthevictoriousforces cannotallowculturaldiversityto becomecollateraldamage.

StephenHenighan’smostrecentnovelis TheWorldofAfter.Overthewinterof 2022–23,MonicaSantizo’sSpanishtranslationofStephen’snovel ThePathofthe Jaguar willbepublishedinGuatemala, andStephen’sEnglishtranslationofthe GuatemalanwriterRodrigoReyRosa’snovel TheCountryofToó willbepublishedin NorthAmerica.Readmoreofhisworkat stephenhenighan.comandgeist.com.Follow himonTwitter@StephenHenighan.

ARTICULATINGTHE INARTICULATESPEECH OFTHEHEART

ENDNOTES

REVIEWS,COMMENTS,CURIOSA

We Geist readersareasophisticated bunch,no?Weknowthedifference betweenJaneAustenandBridgertonand betweenJohnLeCarréandDavidBaldacci(who’she?).Whenwe’retoldthat therearereallyonlysevendifferentplots wesay,“Morelikeseventy!”When GeorgesPoltiwrotethattherearejust thirty-sixdifferentdramaticsituations, weresponded“Doesn’themean360?” Didyouknowthatthereare130emotions thatcanbeevokedinfiction?Sowe learninthesecondeditionoftheself-

published TheEmotionThesaurus: AWriter’sGuidetoCharacterExpression byAngelaAckermanandBecca Puglisi.Theemotionsrangefromthe commonplace:anger,disappointment, griefandregret,tothemoreesoteric: connectedness,powerlessnessandwanderlust.Foreachonetherearesuggestionstohelpwriterssignaltheemotion intheircharacters.Regret,definedas “sorrowarousedbycircumstances beyondone’sabilitytocontrolorrepair,” canbeevokedbyabentposture,wincing orgrimacingorbylosingthethreadof conversations.Itcanproduceinternal sensationsofalossofappetiteordullnessinthechest.Mentally,acharacter mayhavefeelingsofinadequacyoradesire togounnoticed.Overthelongterm theymaynolongerfindjoyinhobbies orfavoritepastimes,ortheymayget ulcers.Actinglikethelifeoftheparty mightshowthatacharacterissuppressing theirregret.Regretcanescalateinto shame(describedonpage240),frustration(134),depression(84),self-pity (238)orself-loathing(236).Itmaydeescalateintomeresadness(226)or embarrassment(118).It’seasytofeel smug(246)about TheEmotionThesaurus. Orperhapsevenfeeldisgust(102)with thewholeendeavour.Surelyourfiner writers,theliteraryauthorswhomwe lionize,wouldguffawiftheystumbled onthisbook.Orwouldtheyfindithelpful? —ThadMcIlroy

KNOWNITALL

WhenJames(Jim)H.Marshwasayoungster,hisfathergotintoanargument withhismother,pickedupashotgun andthreatenedtokilleveryoneinthe house.Jimwaspreparingtoescapeout abackwindowwhenheheardthegun gooff.Hismotherhadconvincedher enraged,drunkenhusbandtofireacoupleofroundsharmlesslyinthebasement.Thiswasjustoneincidentinthe turbulentlifeoftheMarshfamilyin Toronto’sJunctionneighbourhoodduringthe1950s.Jim(fulldisclosure:we haveknowneachotherforfiftyyears) willbefamiliartosomereadersasthe foundingeditorialdirectorof TheCanadianEncyclopedia,thehugelyambitious

andsuccessfulprojectpublishedbyMel Hurtigin1985.Butlongbeforetheworld ofbookstherewastheworldoftheJunctionwhereJimgrewupthesonofa vicious,resentfulmotherandawardamaged,alcoholicfather.Hehasnow decidedtorevealthisearlylifeinamemoircalled KnowItAll:Findingthe ImpossibleCountry (DurvilleBooks). Itwasachildhoodofviolenceandterror.“EverynightIlaysleeplessinthe dark,fearingmyfather’sfootstepson thestairs.”Forherpart,hismother cuffedhimsomuchabouttheheadthat hedevelopedpermanentringinginhis ears.Andwhentheyweren’tbeating him,theywerebeatingeachother. Thankstohisdiscoveryofbooksand libraries,Jimescapedintotheworldof publishingandthatstoryispartofthe memoiraswell.Butliketheproverbial trainwreckfromwhichyoucannot lookaway,itistheaccountofhischildhoodthatisbothabsorbingandhorrifying,readthroughthefingersthatyou holdoveryoureyes.

—DanielFrancis

THEDOORSOF

PERCEPTIONHADTOCLOSE

ForsomeofusfromNewWestminster, HollywoodHospitalholdsaplaceinliving memory:thebuildingbeganasaprivate mansionin1892andwassoldandrepur-

posedasahospitalshortlyafterWorld WarI.Fortunately,thelandscapedgardens, wrap-aroundporch,elaboratebalcony andclassicVictoriantowerwereretained. Beginningin1957,experimentalwork inpsychedelictherapywasconductedin thetopofthattower,whichcametobe knownastheAcidRoom.AuthorsJesse DonaldsonandErikaDyck,in TheAcid Room:ThePsychedelicTrialsand TribulationsofHollywoodHospital (AnvilPress),haveprovidedadetailed historyoftheformerhospital’scontributionstothefield.Includedaresomeprofilesofpatientswhoexperienced successfuloutcomesfromthistreatment method,includinganaccountofthelocal weightliftingchampionandcultfigure, DougHepburn:“Havingheardaboutthe experimentaltherapybeingconducted insideitswalls,Hepburnwasintrigued bythepromisethatitcouldtransform anindividual’sself-image,reportedly accomplishinginanafternoonwhattraditionaltherapycouldn’tinyears.”After adecadeofseeminglyhopelessalcoholism,DougHepburnmanagedabodybuildingcomebackthatgainedhim almostlegendarystatus.HollywoodHospitalclosedinJuly1975,duetolackof funding(and,moregenerally,lackofsupport),althoughitspsychedelictherapy programhadceasedbyaround1968. Withinweeksoftheshutdown,amysteriousfirebrokeoutandthebuilding wasfinallydemolished.Thesiteisnow amassivegreymallknownasWestminsterCentre.However,ifyougoaround totheback,you’llseeagroupofDouglas firsandacoupleofmapletreesthatlook asthoughthey’refromtheoriginallandscapeofHollywoodHospital.Thatis prettymuchallthatremains,exceptthe hopethatpositive,alternativetreatments formentalhealthissuesarebeginning toresurface. —JillMandrake

NOREGRETS

Iremembersingingalongwith,and laughingat,thelyricsto“TheSwim-

mingSong”fromKateandAnnaMcGarrigle’seponymous1976album:“This summerIswaminapublicplace/And areservoirtoboot/AtthelatterIwas informal/AttheformerIworemysuit /Iworemyswimmingsuit.”That album,andtheoneswhichfollowed, mademealoyal,long-termMcGarrigles fan.IboughtalltheiralbumsandI’d seethemwhenevertheycametotown, whichwasneveroftenenough.What Ididnotknowbackthenwasthatthose wittylyricshadbeenpennedbyLoudon WainwrightIII,Kate’shusbandatthe time.Andalthoughtheirmarriage didn’tlast,themusicalpartnership endured;youcanheartheresulton albumslike TheMcGarrigleHour from 1998,whoselinernotesmademewant tobeadoptedintothatmessyextended family.KateandLoudon’schildren, RufusandMartha,havecontinuedin thefamilybusinesstogreatacclaim, andnowtheirdaughterMarthahas writtenamemoir, StoriesIMight RegretTellingYou (PenguinRandom House),whichbringsbackMcGarrigle andWainwright’smemories—both delightfulandsad(Martha’saccountof hermotherKate’sdeathfromcancer isparticularlypainfultorelive).Among Martha’sownrecordingsisalivealbum ofEdithPiafcovers, SansFusils,Ni

Souliers,àParis,butit’sharderthanyou thinktolivebyPiaf’smaximto“ne regretterien.” StoriesIMightRegret TellingYou pullsnopunches,butMartha isashardonherselfassheisonher famousbutemotionallydistantfather, Loudon.Thestoriesshetellsareraw andunvarnished,butitallfeelsfair,and it’sarefreshingchangefromthestandard,self-serving,celebritymemoir.

MichaelHayward

COMINGUNRAVELLED

In2015,SylviaOlsenleftherfamily’s woolshoponVancouverIslandtobegin aroadtripacrossCanadawithherhusband,Tex.Visitingthenation’syarn shops,teachingworkshopsandcollectingstoriesfromtheknittersshemet, Olsendocumentedherjourneyin UnravellingCanada:AKnittingOdyssey (Douglas&McIntyre),adelightful recordofhowknittingspansCanada’s history—andpresent—inmanysurprisingways.CoastSalishknitting,made famousbytheCowichansweater,isthe intersectionoftheinnovationof indigenousknitterswithtoolsandskills learnedfromEuropeansettlers.Olsen usesthisasabasisforherbook,looking atsimilartechniquesusedaroundthe worldandthosepassedonthrough decadesofknittingcultureinCanada. TheCowichansweaterallowedCoast Salishknittersameasureoffinancial independenceandrenownastheonly knittingtraditionestablishedinCanada. Ontheroadtrip,Olsensearchesforthe oldestsweaterinCanada,findingcandidatessheestimatesbeingknitinthe 1930s.SteepedintheCoastSalishknittingtradition,Olsen’sownworkhas beeninfluencedbythetraditionalgeometricdesignsandnaturallydyedwool— butherprojectforthisroadtripisto knitadresswithamapleleafdesign. Thedressneverquitematerializesas Olsen’sideasforthedresschangethe farthershegetsalongtheroadtrip,a tidymetaphorforhergrowingunder-

standingofCanadaasanation.Olsen musesaboutcolonialism,culturalappropriationandquestionsofCanadianidentity,sometimesinawaythatfeelslike alighthistorylesson,asshetravelseast, meetingknittersofallages,backgrounds andskillsetsinavarietyofcolourful settingsthatcertainlymademewant tovisitdistantyarnshopsanddrive throughtheMaritimes.Olsenshows knittingassomethingthatlinksthe presenttothepastandjoinscommunitiestogether.Iwasinterestedtolearn aboutNONIA,thegovernment-backed knittingcottageindustryinNewfoundlandandLabradorthatpaidruralknitterstocreateknitweartosubsidizelocal healthcare.Asalifelongknittermyself, Iwaspleasantlysurprisedatthedepths ofknittingcultureinCanada,something Ihadneverspentmuchtimewonderingabout,whilethetravelmemoir aspectofthisbookscratchedmy pandemic-inducedtourismitch.

—KelseaO’Connor

CALLYOURSELFAWRITER

Reading Resonance:Essaysonthe CraftandLifeofWriting (AnvilPress) feltlikesnoopingaroundthedesksof someofmyfavoriteCanadianwriters.What’sintheirnotebooks?How dotheyorganizetheirthoughts?What countsaswriting?(Staringblanklyat yourkeyboardandfoldinglaundry,says ChristinaMyers.)Writingcanbealonely endeavour,butreadingthisbookislike havingcoffeewithafriendwhoischeeringyouon.Whatmakesitdifferent fromotherwritingbooksisthatthese writersaren’ttellingyouhowyou ought towrite,butrathersharingideas,tips andtricks.Insteadofassumingauthority,theystartfromaplaceofbelieving you’reasgoodawriterasthem.The comfortingmessageacrosstheseessays isthatnoneofuswritersreallyknows whatwe’redoing.Inthis,there’s immensefreedomandplasticity—as LeanneDunicsuggestsinheressayon

hybridforms,“DangerousTerritories: OnWritingandRisk.”Thebook,edited byLauraFarinaandAndrewChesham, isatestamenttotheuniquecommunityemanatingfromTheWriter’sStudiocontinuingstudiesprogramat SimonFraserUniversity,whereboth editorswork.Thiscommunityowes muchtoBetsyWarland,whodesigned anddirectedtheWriter’sStudiofrom 2001to2012,andherapproachto writing—aprocessthatbeginswithcallingyourselfawriterandbelievingit. Thisisawritingbookbuiltonthegenerosityofartistssharingideas,methods andprocess.Becauseeventhoughwritinghappensalone,itdependsonus relatingtoeachotherthroughfrequenciesandfeedback—indeed,writingis anactofresonance. —AprilThompson

PARTOFTHECROWD

Poetrybookspublishedin2019hadthe disadvantageoflittleornopromotion, astheCOVID-19lockdownsoonfollowed. CrowdedMirror (DurgaPress) isacaseinpoint.Anyofthesefifty-one poemsbySheilaDelany,medieval scholarandprofessoremeritaofSimon FraserUniversity,wouldhavegenerated

anamazingresponseatanin-person booklaunch.Thiscollectionislikefifty shadesofnear-boundlesscreativity.The longest,mostintricatepoemsare “DoctorJazz,”“Scenesfromreallife,” “Astraeainexile”and“Twoheads.”A womanwhovoluntarilygrewtwoheads isthenarratorofthelatterpoem.One headresemblesJanisJoplin,theother SophiaLoren.Halfwaythroughthenarrative,Sophia,tryingtobehelpfulbut comingoffaspatronizing,tellsJanis thateverywomanneedsthreethings: agoodlawyer,agoodtherapistanda goodhairdresser.Janisreplies,“Igot ’emall…andtheyallputthemakeon me.”Thecontinuingbanterresembles notonlyacrowdedmirror,butalsoa crowdedpsyche.Theshortest,most impactfulpoemsare“Three,”“Birthdayeve,”acharacterstudycalled “Dianne”andahaikuthatbegins“This appledeserves.”ThelatterpoemisreminiscentofWilliamCarlosWilliams’s “ThisIsJusttoSay,”althoughthetree fruit’sdelectabilityinDelany’shaikuis conveyedinfewerwords.Thepoem withthemostforcemaybethemidlength“Mistakes,”comprisedofmusingsaboutarelationship’sfinalcurtain; aseriesofone-linersdeliveredbya stand-uptragedian.Thesesadandwistfullinesactuallyhaveanaffirmative,if nothappy,ending.Theclosingone reads,“Hethoughthe’dneverstopcrying.”Butthisisapoemaboutmistakes, sothere’ssomereliefinknowingthat hewasmistaken;hedidstopcrying.

JillMandrake

VANISHINGCAREERPATHS

InhighschoolIdreamedofbecoming asellerofusedbooks,acareerpathfor whichtheguidancecounsellorcould offernousefuladvice.Tworecent memoirshavepersuadedmethatitwas perhapsjustaswellthatlifetookme downadifferentpath. TheLastBookseller:ALifeintheRareBook Trade (UniversityofMinnesotaPress)

describesGaryGoodman’syearsasa rarebookdealerinMinnesota.In Goodman’sview,theinventionofthe internetmarkedthebeginningofthe endfortherarebooktrade.Suddenly, buyerscouldsearchtheshelvesofthousandsofbookstoressimultaneously, andtitleswhichwereoncethoughtto bescarce(andpricedaccordingly) couldnowbefoundonlinebythehundreds.Prices(andprofits)plunged. The LastBookseller isamournfulaccount oftheglorydaysofaonce-vibrantfield, itspagespopulatedwithinfamous bookthievesandeccentricbooksellers. AFactotumintheBookTrade (Biblioasis)isacollectionofessays—digressive,opinionatedanderudite— whichtakeusthroughMarius Kociejowski’sforty-plus-yearcareeras anantiquarianbooksellerinLondon, England.Thereareprofilesofnotable bookcollectorsandoffellowbooksellers(amongthemthelate,andlegendary,VancouverbooksellerBill Hoffer).Kociejowski,whowasraised inafarmhouseinruralOntario,isalso apoetandarespectedtravelwriter; heisdefinitelythebetterwriterofthe two.Sowhatlessonsdowelearnfrom thispairofmemoirs?One:thatyou shouldsupportyourlocalusedbookstoreswhileyoucan,becausetheir daysarenumbered.Two:thatthose whoaredrawntothebooksellingtrade areinthegripofsomethinglikean addiction.Andthree:ifoneofyouroffspringeverexpressesawishtobecome abookseller,itmightbebest(though perhapsfutile)foryoutopointoutto themthemanybenefitsofaccountancy,ortheunder-appreciatedexcitementsoftelemarketing.

—MichaelHayward

ARCHIPELAGO

Lastyear,Iread ADreaminPolar Fog byChukchiwriterYuriRytkheu (translatedbyIlonaYazhbinChavasse) and AMindatPeace byTurkish

writerAhmetHamdiTanpınar(translatedbyErdağ Göknar),twonovels publishedbyArchipelagoBooks. RytkheuwroteinRussianduringthe Sovietera,andhisworksaresetinhis homelandinnortheastSiberia,where theChukchipeopleliveontheedge oftheBeringStrait—asfareastasone cangoontheEurasiancontinent. Tanpınarwasbornjustbeforethefall oftheOttomanEmpire,onthecusp ofthetumultuoustransitionto Ataturk’sTurkishRepublic.Like Rytkheu,heisalsooftwocultures, OrientalandWestern,theoldandthe modern. ADreaminPolarFog follows JohnMacLennan,aninjuredCanadian sailorstrandedinaChukchivillageand forcedtorelyuponthelocalswhenhis armsareamputated.Rytkheucaptures thestoicbeautyoftheArctic,and managestoadapthispeople’smyths andhisfamily’soralstoriesintomodernprose.Ironically,rytgļv,fromwhich hisnameisderived,supposedlymeans “unremembered”inChukchi.Like ArkadyandBorisStrugatsky’s Roadside Picnic—thebasisofAndreiTarkovsky’s 1979film Stalker—theCanadianconnectionseemstobeawaytoconnect theoutsideworldwiththeinsular USSRwithoutmakingovertpolitical claims.EverythingaboutCanada,it seems,ismildlyneutralandunoffending. AMindatPeace chroniclesthelives ofagroupofrelatedpeopleinIstanbul duringtheearlyyearsofrepublican Turkey.Tanpınargoestogreatlengths tocreateimagerythatcapturesthe livelystreetscapesofIstanbuland offersvividdescriptionsoftheGolden Horn,yethissentencessagwithnostalgia.Youcanalmostbreathein Istanbul’smelancholicclimate— hüzün.Itisnothardtoseehowthe novelistOrhanPamuk’sflirtationswith OttomanaestheticsareindebtedtoTanpınar.WhatismoredifficulttounderstandiswhyTurkishliteraturetakes uplessspaceonreaders’bookshelves thanRussianworks.

—AnsonChing

Abigandheartfeltthankstothefollowingdonorsfortheirgenerouscontributiontotheannual Geist fundraisingcampaign.Everydollarfromthefundraisingcampaigngoesrightbackintomaking Geist theweirdandwonderfulmagazinelovedbyreadersalloverthecountry.

Anonymous(11)

Ourgenerousdonors:

TheGEIST

CrypticCrossword

PreparedbyMeandricus

Sendacopyofyourcompletedpuzzle, alongwithyournameandaddress,to:

Puzzle#121GEIST

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Awinnerwillbeselectedatrandomfrom correctsolutionsandwillbeawardedaoneyearsubscriptionto Geist ora Geist magnet.

ACROSS

1 Tonyalwaysbragsabouttheweather intheMuskokas

3It’sextremelydepressingtoexperience allthosecarfads

8Hedidn’tneedbatsinhisbelfrytobe afraidofthatbloodycontagion

10SoundslikeBlackBeautymayhave originallybeenFrench

12Itcoveredeverythingthatwasoveror underit!

14WemetinRomein’92

15Ted’sbeenchannelingtonsofgigabits! (abbrev)

16Pleasefindacureforallthatbeige

18Whentheshortwomanmixesitup, she’selectric!(abbrev)

20Stoptheboat,avat’sgoneoverboard!

21Putthecultureinthosevialssowecan studytheforest

22Theconductorcouldlendahandbut thatwon’tstraightenoutthosetwisted horns

23Blessyou,thatsuntanoilfeelsgood!

24Nexttimehe’shome,let’sgetKenney tojoinourstretchinggroup

26Takeitinbeforeitmakesmeanxious!

28Billtoldhissontostaystill

31WasBentheBoreabsentwhenyou gothitinthesternum?

32Sadly,theSwedeworeblackwhenhe smokedinthegarden

33Shewasnotpreparedtobeunderthe weather

34Oh,Beaulovesthesoundofthewind inthecanes

37WhymustIbeinthistinyroomto makephonecalls?

39Thatdruglentanairofgoodwillto theotherwiseannoyedpeople

40Canourgadgetstashreallyhelpkids becomefashionable?(abbrev)

42Watchout!Thoselittlehornetsreally scootaround!

44Howmuchofthelowesttariffdidthey choosetopaylastyear?(abbrev)

45Theproblemsoriginateinyourmadeupstory

46Whichdishrewindsbackwards?

47ItsoundslikeBonniewasrunning awaywithasheep!

DOWN

1

Theycontrolthefoodwastefromthat largemass

2Hehadonacuteshirtbeforehegot readyfortheball

3Howdidthatbootlacebummanage toputeverythingbackinitsplace?

4What’smakingyousick—something youdrank?

5At3Iwasalreadyalltherage

6Forsomereasonthoselittleguysreally likedalfalfasprouts

7Aftercloseconsideration,Icanseewhy shewantedthebluestcar

9It’snottheDiner’sClub,butithas3 layers!(abbrev)

11It’sgreatwhenarebeloxcanbe movedsimplybyanearnestrequest

12That’sbigandodd-shapedbutIcan stillhandleit

13Inchurchtheyalwayssingtheloudest

16Ratherthanabetevil,Ithinkitisavoidable

17I’daskpolitelyforyourbreathyreply butI’vegotsomethingcatchy(abbrev)

19Tuckthatmerryfellowintotheprayer house

20Foronesec,Imiscastyouasafollower ofminimalistideas

25EveryoneinthebarlovestobeforgivenbyDesmond

27Whenthebellsoundswewillpray thatwecanpay(2)

29InAmericayoucanwinasailingjug!

30Givethatlionenoughspacetosing

35Honey,weneedtofinishthatquilt beforetheQueen’svisit

36Sometimesittakestoomuchtokeep thescreenfromwearingoff(abbrev)

38Folkwisdomsays,nevermailaletter toavampire!

39Mark’sbeenwrestlingwithshowing hisexuberantfeelings

41Thesedayswe’retryingtostopthe flowoffemalesawayfrombasicunits

43Thatwrinklycreaturewillendupat Anne’splace(abbrev) SolutiontoPuzzle120