Written by Colleen Hillard Illustrations by Marjorie Gaber
T
I used the Force in excess.”
here was no time to play.
There was no time for fun. There was no time for games. There was work to be done. The empire was bad. The empire was no good. To me Yoda said, “Defeat it you should.” So I took my lightsaber, My sister did too, see We went to go train, Princess Leia and me. Well, there we both were, We were training like that, And who should appear But the cat in the hat! “Oh shit,” Leia said. “Ignore him, that cat, He’s a pain in the ass, that cat in the hat.” “You know he's the head of the empire, for one, and last time made a mess, I thought we were done.” “Head of the empire?” said Cat. “Oh, my my! Oh, no no!” I just want to come in, to give training a go.” “Jedi training?” said Leia. “That sounds sketchy as hell. He’s gonna try to kill us; I know him quite well.” But that cat came in, In the house the cat came! “I can help you,” said he, “With a lightsaber game!” And from under his cloak, He pulled out his own saber, And gave it a swing! At the refrigerator! But the oddest thing happened. It did not slice in two. Rather, it got covered In odd glowing red goo. “Look what you’ve done!” I screamed. “It looks like red ink!” And will it ever come off? No it won’t, I don’t think!” “Have no fear of that goo,” Laughed the cat in the hat. “Why, I can take lightsaber goo Off fridges like that!” And you know how he did it? With mom’s white jedi cloak! 6
“What the fuck!” screamed Leia. “Is this some kind of sick joke?” “Have no fear, little ones, It will come off like that!” He then shook the cloak, And on the wall the goo splat! Now the wall is a mess! We are getting annoyed! “I can fix this,” said Cat, With some help from a droid!” He held a hand to his mouth, And let out a loud whistle. In seconds flat came R2D2, Fast as a missile! “Clean this right up,” barked the Cat in the Hat. “He won’t listen to you!” I protested. “That droid is mine and not yours!” R2D2 stopped fast, his loyalty contested. “But he is helping you, is he not?” Asked the cat. And to tell you the truth, I could not argue with that. And help us he did, Robot arms scrubbed the wall. And honest to God, He cleaned up it all! R2 then sat down proudly. “Good job!,” the cat whooped. R2D2 responded, “Beep diddle dee boop.” “Now be gone, Cat!” I said. “Kindly get the hell out! You’ve caused enough trouble! “We must finish our bout!” “Not so fast,” Said the Cat. “I came here to help!” And he pulled out his saber And swung at Leia, who yelped! She was hurt pretty bad! This was worse than a mess! The Cat said, “I meant to help.
“He meant to!” yelled Leia. “He wanted to hurt me! He’s evil, that cat! That I can guarantee!” That was the final straw! I was pissed at this cat! I couldn’t hold back. That cat had to scat! So I swung my lightsaber, At his dumb black mask. But it didn’t even dent. This was no easy task. So we battled and fought, The evil cat and I, For what seemed like forever, While bleeding, Leia lie. Until a well-timed swing at the cat’s long tail Sliced the thing right off! “Okay, I give up!” said he. “Time to blastoff!” And out the door the cat ran, That cat who is naughty, And when he was beneath his Death Star, He yelled, “Beam me up, Scotty!”