Your Pizza Toppings And What They Say About You
BY KYLE LANDGRAF
Along with gaydar, knowledge of pizza toppings is one of those few abilities coveted above all others when it comes to superficially judging people, or so we’ve been told. Forget palm reading and astrology. Those are last century’s techniques. Nothing impresses a woman more than critiquing/analyzing her pizza toppings, except maybe pulling an RV out of a ditch with your teeth. But let’s face it, you probably have neither the dental fortitude, nor the kickass mobile home to pull off such a feat. You do, however, have this article that you’re really only half reading while you wait for class to start. PAY ATTENTION FUCKER!!! Forget about Oceanography. Every question in that class can be answered with the term “subtropical gyre.” There’s important stuff here. Learn what kind of person you/someone else is using only pizza!
Chicago Deep Dish • You are: Someone who wants to eat quickly and constantly be full. • Likes to: Make sarcastic “vomit-noises” when people mention New York Style Pizza. • Sexual fetish: New York Style Pizza. •Favorite Book: Journey to the Center of the Earth. That’s how deep you like it. • Most likely to: Make wheezing noises whenever you stand up.
Ham and Pineapple • You are: One person that we can securely say ISN’T Hawaiian. • You said: “It has fruit on it. So it’s healthy right?” • You spend your day: Pregaming. • Interesting fact: Ancient Hawaiians have a legend about your pizza. Like most ancient Hawaiian legends, it ends with a volcano making love to the ocean. • Typical morning: Waking up with dicks drawn on your face (“Real mature guys!”)
New York Style • You are: Walking here, you stupid cannoli. Despite such verbiage, not Italian (they like good pizza). • You spend your day: Making pizza porn for deep dish fans. “Schlepping.” • Favorite Song: “Poker Face” – Lady Gaga (“She totally invented avant garde pop music bro!”) • Most likely to: Not understand what avant garde means. Call something “mad funny bro.”
Meat Lovers • You are: More interesting than plain cheese, with enough questionable meat to put a petting zoo out of business. A person who loves pure, unadulterated, greasy meat in and around his/her (ok, fine, his) mouth. • Prefers: A constant stool cycle coupled with persistent acne, sweat, and horrific meat-induced nightmares. Oh the nightmares… • Favorite Book: The Jungle, strangely enough. • Favorite Song: “Jump Around” – House of Pain. • Most likely to: Soil yourself while dancing, blame it on the girl next to you, then waddle away like goddamn James Bond would if he was as pathetic as you.
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