9 minute read
Questioning Tradition
By Myhriah Young
Tradition. When I say this word, what do you see? What feelings does it bring up? Good? Bad? For me, there was a time when this word brought up a lot of anxiety. Let me back up a bit and tell you about the journey our family has had when it comes to family traditions. As a teenaged mom, I had a lot of people just telling me what to do. I get it. No one thought I knew what I was doing. From my family to the doctors, to society. So, it should be no surprise that when it came to doing the things my family did, we were told what we were doing when to be there, and just be expected to fall in line, no questions asked. My husband and I were already rebels. We had people telling us we wouldn’t make it in our marriage. There were even polls on how long we would last! Our answer was, “Well, watch us!” Insert sassy snap. We had a few large turning points in our lives and we finally asked ourselves: “Why are we doing this?” One of the most memorable moments of change was with our little kids one Holiday Season. It was Christmas week. We have a lot of extended families that live in our town. Of course, none of them wanted to celebrate together, BUT, everyone wanted to see the grandbabies. For a few years, we would make our rounds to see everyone. This particular year, with two children in tow, Christmas day was EXHAUSTING! We were scheduled to be at several different homes in one day to celebrate.
Advertisement
Listen, I love my family, but you moms can see the picture emerging here: Hauling around two very little ones, at this time we had a 3-year-old and a baby. Packing everything but the kitchen sink in our tiny car. The sleep schedule is completely disrupted. And of course, it’s the cold season. The kids didn't feel well, but we need to make it to every house. After all, it's family, and were supposed to be with family, right?! After getting everyone ready to go and making sure we packed everything we would need, we finally got settled into the first home. We got there and sit to open presents. We can't fit all the gifts into our tiny car, so we needed to arrange another time to come pick them up later. After presents, we sat down to eat with these family members. Everyone wants you to sit and eat with them Christmas Day. Of course, they're not concerned that I’m trying to eat less. We finally get the kids settled down from the excitement, and then, “Oh, it’s time to go to the next place!!” Insert appropriate expletive here! IT. WAS. MISERABLE. On the drive between family homes, my hubs and I had quite a discussion about all the chaos with our screaming baby in the backseat. Asking each other “Why in the heck are we doing this?” It was a good talk. Productive, amid the screaming babies and tension we had with trying to make everyone happy. We made some very big decisions in our tiny Honda Civic that day. The most important one being that we would reserve Christmas morning to our home for our little family from now on. Since we were the ones with the grandbabies, we would be the ones calling the shots on what we would and wouldn’t do from now on. That was just the beginning of us finding our voices. Finding what worked for our little family. We began questioning why we were doing certain things! We started to question everything and we began to rebel against our family norms in every way. Nothing was safe. Family Reunion? Hmm…do we even know anyone? Halloween? Ok, we will stop in if we can or we'll send some pictures. THE Family Pizza Place? Why is it in a bar when most of us cousins have little kids? How is this A THING?
We felt like we had become REAL adults. We gave ourselves the power to decide what we wanted to do. Our decisions weren’t always easy… for everyone else.
THEN we decided to homeschool our children. That was not a popular decision among the rest of the family. That was questioning the entire SYSTEM everyone had conformed to for years. Who were we to say this system didn't work for us? We were FULLYrebelling in ways my family never even thought of! Boy, I got an array of questions from them when we made this decision. What I can tell you is that their questions just made me feel more resolute in our decision. Homeschooling our children had me questioning things even more. Why do we teach this way? Why do we only learn history from ONE perspective? In a completely abstract in a way that makes History so boring.
What about learning about the truth of our celebrated Holidays? Who are the people we’re celebrating? Why are we celebrating them? Why aren’t we teaching kids the truths behind these people, you know, the good and the bad? I could seriously go on and on with the plethora of questions that came from learning how to homeschool.
This was the foundation along with many other stories, that set me on my Questioning Tradition Journey. I learned to really look at the different traditions set by our society, our family, our friends, and think through why they are a THING for us. What I found is that historical context is really important. Even if it is just that our family eats at this pizza place because 50 years ago Uncle Joe wanted to go out for pizza and found this place and said it had the most delicious pizza. I mean, really? This is why this is a thing for us? I was shocked that this is why our family always met at this particular pizza place. Was pizza really a thing 50 years ago? Has anyone in the family tried a different pizza place since? Was Uncle Joe right-in-thehead? Does that still hold up these days with all the pizza possibilities surrounding us today? Trust me, I have actually had a VERY SIMILAR question session like this one with our extended family.
With the times we are currently in, I find that this foundation of questioning “why do we do what we do,” is serving me well. I see more people doing this every day. Unfortunately, at this moment it mostly by force. We don’t naturally like change, and yet we’re being force-fed change on a monthly, weekly, even a daily basis right now. I'm seeing people starting to come to a place where there is a bit less panic, but I know it is there, just beneath the surface. Change is scary. Change is hard. As we enter the Holidays this year, I want to invite you to navigate through your family traditions a little differently.
With love, start to seriously look at some of the things that your family does, especially question the “That’s just what we do,” statement, and decide if this is what you and your family will continue doing from here on out. If it still holds up, AWESOME! If it doesn't sit well with you, think about what you would prefer to do. Here are some questions to help you begin the journey. Pick a tradition that drives you nuts, and ask yourself these questions:
James Joyce
1.Why is this a tradition we have? Who decided this was going to be a tradition? What was the context under which they created it? 2.Does this tradition SERVE our family? Is it still a fit with your family values, dynamics, goals? Eating cake at EVERY SINGLE birthday party might not fit if everyone is trying to eat healthier. Does it include people you want to be around? Are there toxic family members that you dread being around at certain events? Maybe they don’t have to be invited to every family gathering. Maybe you don't have to go. 3.Is this expectation a societal one? Is it a family one? Do we agree with it? 4.Do you LIKE the tradition? 5.Does it make financial sense for your family? Perhaps buying birthday gifts for 50 adult aunts and uncles doesn’t fit into your tough budget right now. Buying gifts for kids only might need to become a new thing in your family. 6.Does it fit with the time we have available?
You will likely get push back from doing this, but I promise, you and your larger family will be ok. You might be pleasantly surprised that you weren’t the only one wondering why your family is still holding a family reunion in a location that doesn’t make sense for where any of the younger participants. Others might be thinking the same thing, but were just too afraid to say anything. I do suggest that you think about what you would want to do instead. This can help ease the panicked family members who think things should “stay how they were back in the GOOD OLE DAYS.”
Here are some great questions to help you define what you'd like to do in place of the norm:
1.
2.
3. 4.
5. What would we like to do instead? Do we even want to do anything in place of this event? What goals do we have for our family? What do we want our kids to get out of this holiday? Family event? Etc.? How can we make this fun and convenient for those we care about? How far are we willing to go to make this happen? Location? Financially? Time-wise? Who do we want to include?
As we move forward with all the changes happening in our world today, it gives us the chance to take a step back and evaluate the things we do on a level that didn't seem available to us before. Everyone is pausing, asking questions, and seeking new ways of doing things. So take advantage and start making the traditions in your life be something you enjoy and look forward to instead of something you may be dreading.
“Your mission: Be so busy loving your life that you have no time for hate, regret or fear.” Karen Salmansohn
