gairrhydd
NOVEMBER.19.2007
PROBLEM PAGE
PROBLEMPAGE@gairrhydd.COM
From the Desk of
TEd
35
e m so
d n Ha
He’s a ruddy good lad.
Ted Handsome’s Places That Children Should Be Banned From An Occasional Series
I hate children. They sicken me, and as far as I’m concerned they are all one and the same. I don’t understand these people who seem to melt when they see a picture of some dribbling sticky infant. All children are as stupid and as ugly as each other, and quite frankly the only time a person becomes interesting to me is either when they are old enough to drink old brandies and smoke expensive cigars with me, or when the are old enough to be plied with alcohol and enticed into the back of a limo. So, children are awful and, by this twisted logic, they should be banned from these particular places.
No. 1 - All Restaurants There is nothing worse than looking forward to eating the dead flesh of some hapless animal, only to be disrupted by some mewling twat smearing mush all over their ugly fat face, and being lauded by their ‘progressive’ fucknuts of parents for ‘actualising his self-belief pattern’ or some other pseudo-psychological bullshit. If we are no longer allowed to smoke indoors, then I certainly think that children should also be banned, as they cause more misery than any form of Tobacco.
No. 2
- Public Transport
At least with a building there is the option of simply leaving and leaving the problem within the building. Unfortunately, if you are trapped within a train or an aeroplane there is no escape, and no matter how many complimentary spirits you quaff to numb the pain, the yelp of an ungrateful brat will always manage to disrupt whatever alcholic haze you are dwelling within. Not to mention the obligatory feral child who believes that it is well within their rights to run around shrieking and to clamber all over you all while the parents shrug meekly. Arseholes.
No. 3 - Society Essentially, I believe that children should be brought up on some kind of a farm or a secure facility until they reach adulthood, as parents have demonstrated that they simply cannot be trusted with the safe handling of these tiny little shits. No it is not ‘cute’ for a child to burble words like some kind of miniature drunk and fall over. Nor is it socially acceptable for somebody to literally foul themselves in public, so why should we tolerate it from children? Exactly.
A letter about low-down dirty rats Dear Ted, I live in a lovely Roath apartment, with a splendid view of the bustling metropolitan paradise that is Albany Road, we boast laminate flooring and wonderful balcony view. However, it has come to my and my flatmate’s attention that we may have got some unwanted tenants in the form of our old pals, Rattus Norvegicus. They are nothing like that film ‘Ratatouille’, as they are yet to speak in an American accent, nor have they attempted to cook any gourmet food. Have you got any ideas about how to deal with this somewhat unsavoury problem? Yours, Alison Airport My Dear Alison, Rats truly are a nuisance, although as a student you will simply have to
get used to this way of living. You see, according to my awesome levels of prejudice, rats and students are essentially one and the same. One is a kind of vermin, usually caught scrabbling through filth, with matted hair, scared of daylight and usually costs a great deal of money to get rid of. The other is a rat. Hello, satire! If I had my way, then I’d get rid of all you student types, clogging up pubs trying to pay for a cider and black using a bloody chequebook. Yet, apparently this sort of talk ‘isn’t PC’, and ‘could be deemed as hateful’ and ‘isn’t really appropriate for a PTA meeting, Mr. Handsome, could you please be quiet, you are scaring the children.’ As I am not allowed to call for the extermination of a whole stratum of society, I guess I’m going to be forced into actually attempting to give you some form of meaning-
ful advice. If you want to wuss out, and act all compassionate for the little buggers, then there are any number of humane traps available, and even many pest removal agencies who specialise in the humane capture and release of these animals. However, in my opinion, anyone who goes for this option has forfeited their right to be considered a decent human being. I’ll possibly allow some lee-way for the ladies as they love their little animals, but any red-blooded male who does not fight the animal to its death is clearly suspect. Yours Ted
A letter about mobile bloody phones Dear Ted, Mobile phones are bloody brill, and I’m rarely seen without mine attached to my face or my thumb nimbly dancing over the keys sending a text to one of my many friends. However, after a few too many shandies the other night, one of my erstwhile friends decided to take a picture of his engorged phallus and send it to my mother. I am unsure as to what to do about this situation, as I have not spoken to my mother since that fateful night. have you any advice as how to deal with this touchy subject? Yours, Graham Breakfast Graham, To be quite frank, you deserve nothing less. Mobile telephones are the bane of modern day life. There used to be a golden age for working peo-
ple, when they could simply leave their office and their work stayed put. These days, however, with these bloody devices your work follows you around like a bad smell, and for that reason, I wish nothing but pain upon the strange individuals who actually like these infernal contraptions. I saw one chap seemingly talking to himself whilst walking through Millets the other day. Of course, I rugby tackled him to the ground, because he could have been a deranged lunatic, or even worse, a Communist spy. Although, having been dragged off this suspicious character, still raining punches and kicks upon his person, I was informed in no uncertain terms that this sort of behaviour was de rigeur these days. The shop assistant mumbled something about a ‘blue tooth’ which only confounded my suspicions that this poor chaps was suffering from some
medical abnormality. It has just occurred to me that I have yet to deal with the problem of the picture of the swollen rod that your mother received. I am going to assume that the rendering of the excited shaft emanated from your phone as opposed to anyone else’s, or else it would not be considered a problem. Essentially, Graham, your mother has seen your manhood before, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she will see it in years to come. Plus, if this is the same Mrs. Breakfast that I am thinking of, then she has seen a lot worse than a poorly rendered erect penis. Trust me. Ted
Dear fair reader, It has come to my attention that last week’s thrilling installment of Ted Handsome may have been substandard, in fact, I’d go as far as to say that a brain damaged chimp having his penis slammed in a car door could have done a better job. There are a number of mitigating factors behind this altogether rather shoddy excuse for a newspaper page, some of which I shall regale you with now. Primarily, your old friend Theodore Handsome had a larger than usual sniff of the barmaid’s apron and was feeling worse for wear. Secondly, a deadly tropical disease had struck me, and having suffered from wailing hysterics and screaming vapours in the past, I became rather worried. However, It turned out to be nothing more than Sloth. TH xxx