gair rhydd - Issue 700

Free Word 700

gair rhydd Cardiff’s Student Weekly

BATTLE ROYALE

A N IM A L MA GIC

FILM reviews the bloodiest film of the year

GRUFF chats to MUSIC about the Furries tour

HELLO BOOBIES FEATURES gets the lowdown on breast care

Monday 8 October 2001

It’s our birthday! Celebrate our 700th issue with a look at issues past

BLAIR CONSIDERS ABOLITION OF FEES Tuition fees a ‘barrier to higher education’ admit government ministers as tuition fee re-think is ordered

by Lydia Kirby TUITION FEES may be abolished and maintenance grants r eintroduced, it was announced last w eek, in an attempt by the gov ernment to boost the number of uni versity students from lo w-income backgrounds.

Speaking at a conference on Tuesday, Prime Minister Tony Blair, disclosed governmental plans to review the current student funding system, which emerged in this year’s election campaign as the most unpopular decision made by the Labour government.

The scheme has been welcomed by the NUS who have campaigned against the abolition of grants and the introduction of tuition fees since the decision was f irst instituted in 1997.

Announcing the proposal, education secretar y, Estelle Morris, accepted fears that the current scheme may be deterring poorer students from attending university.

She said, ‘I recognise that for many low income families fear of debt is a real worry and could act as a barrier to higher education.’

The announcement has come at a time when Labour support has been gradually declining. Pressure from groups such as the NUS and the decision by the Scottish parliament to scrap tuition fees has prompted Labour to re-think its vastly

unpopular education system.

The devolved governments in Wales and Northern Ireland have announced their opposition to the scheme although as yet they lack the financial strength to break away from the system.

As with the current loan scheme, under the new proposal graduates would still be expected to pay money received through grants back to the government. Graduates would pay off their grant through extra income tax in the 20-25 years after graduation.

All students would be required to pay graduate tax, or ‘graduate repayment’ as it is called by the government, except those whose courses begin before the scheme is introduced, regardless of whether they take out the grant or not. The extra tax would be charged once the graduate was paying 22 pence income tax but government officials are adamant that the contribution would be small.

It is hoped that the scheme will mean that those who earn more after graduation will effectively subsidise graduates whose wages are less.

Details of the reform are still being finalised by the Department of Education but it is believed that two schemes are currently being considered. The first plan is to make maintenance grants, abolished by Labour in 1997, available to all and charge a higher graduate tax. The second, most probable, idea is to

means-test the grant and make the repayment tax lower.

The continuation of tuition fees is doubted as the government is u n c e rtain that students will be willing to pay both during and after their scheme of study. Loans will still be ava i l a ble to all students but at a far lower level than is currently available.

President of the NUS, Owain James, has described the move as ‘a real victory’ for students but many students remain critical of the government’s decision to charge

graduate tax.

C a r d i ff Student Union president, Tom McGarry, said, ‘This decision is cert a i n ly welcome in Cardiff Unive r s i t y where we have been campaigning against tuition fees since 1997.

However, graduation tax seems only to make you pay after you graduate rather than before.’

Academic Affairs Officer, Ian Hibble added, ‘I welcome this positive move from the government but also hope that the government will look at extending contingency

loans at preferential rates to postgraduate students.’

The new arrangements will not be put into action until September 2003 at the earliest but the announcement is certain to spark debate throughout the political and student body.

C a r d i ff Student’s Union has p l ayed an active part in the protests against tuition fees since 1997 and Tom McGarry urges all students to express their views on the new scheme to the Student Union Council.

ABOVE: Cardiff students showing their contempt for fees at a march earlier this year RIGHT: Tuition fees Blair’s most unpopular decision

UNION TO GET TOUGH WITH TROUBLEMAKERS - SEE PG 3

2 ● N ews

Briefly...

Union warns against harassment CARDIFF STUDENTS are being warned to report any harassment to the union following the rise in racial tension across the world since the terrorism attacks in America.

Union President, Tom McGarry, urged any student who is confronted with harassment of any kind, to contact the Dean of Students or the union immediately. He added, ‘ Our union aims to promote a safe environment for all students regardless of their race or creed. Any harassment for any reason will not be tolerated.’

War Debate A DEBATE on the recent political events following the events in America is to be hosted in the Great Hall on Friday.

Speeches will be given by Chris Norris from the University’s Philosophy Department, and the Liberal Democrat councillor for Cathays, Simon Wakefield.

The debate will begin at 6pm and all students are welcome to attend and voice their opinion.

Security alert SECURITY OFFICIALS at Cardiff University are asking students to be on the alert for a man seen acting suspiciously around the Bute Building.

A number of females have reported the man to security after feeling threatened by his presence. All incidents be reported to security immediately.

MP debates legalising cannabis LABOUR MP for Cathays, Jon Owen Jones, will be debating the legalisation of cannabis in Cardiff Students Union on October 9.

The debate will take place in Meeting Room three on the fourth floor of the Student’s Union at 2pm.

gairrhydd Address: Gair Rhydd University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN Telephone: Editorial – (029) 20781434/436 Advertising – (029) 20781416 E-mail: ssugr1@cf.ac.uk Visitors: Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

Monday 8 October 2001, gair rhydd

Cydraddoldeb i’r Gymraeg gan Sioned Bevan Yn yr Eisteddfod Genedlaethol yn Ninbych eleni, lawnsiod d Prifysgol Caer dydd ei Chynllun Iaith Gymraeg .

Derbyniodd y fenter sêl bendith Bwrdd yr Iaith Gymraeg gan mai byrdwn y Cynllun fydd sicrhau fod y ddwy iaith yn cael eu trin yn gyfartal o fewn y Brifysgol.

Golyga’r Cynllun fod polisiau dwyieithog yn cael eu gweithredu er mwyn sicrhau fod y Gymraeg yn derbyn yr un statws â’r Saesneg.

AS Plaid Cymru ac yntau’n gyn-fyfyriwr o Brifysgol Caerdydd, Adam Price fu’n lawnsio’r Cynllun yn yr Eisteddfod. Roedd Mr Price yn galonogol iawn o’r Cynllun a dywedodd ei fod “o gryn bwys ac y bydd yn cynnig gwasanaeth i fyfyrwyr yn yr iaith o’u dewis o hyn allan.”

Bydd myfyrwyr yn awr yn gallu mynnu gwasanaeth gwbl Gymraeg gan y Brifysgol: trafod materion ar y ffôn yn y Gymraeg; derbyn gwybodaeth a manylion drwy’r post yn y Gymraeg.

Mae’r Brifysgol hefyd yn awyddus i wella’r ddarpariaeth addysgu drwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg. Y dymuniad yw cyflogi mwy o staff dwyieithog a gwella safon Cymraeg gweddill y staff drwy gynnig gwersi yn y Gymraeg

iddynt o lefel dechreuwyr i lefelau uwch.

Mr Price fod “y Brifysgol yn effro iawn i’r angen i adeiladu ar sylfeini’r Cynllun ac mae’r staff yn croesawu’r sialens o ddatblygu gweinyddiaeth ddwyieithog.”

Aeth rhagddo i nodi, ‘fel un o gynfyfyrwyr Caerdydd, rwy’n cofio’n dda cymaint oedd apêl astudio yn ninas ieuengaf Ewrop.

Mae’r Brifysgol yn cynnig profiad amlddiwylliannol cyfoethog gan fod ynddi fyfyrwyr o fwy na 100 o wledydd.’

‘Mae’r Cynllyn Iaith Gymraeg yn ehangu ymhellach fyth ar ei hamrwyaieth ieithyddol a’m gobaith i, wrth ddatblygu addysg drwy’r Gymraeg, yw y bydd myfyrwyr a allai fod wedi dewis Prifysgol mwy ‘Cymreig’ ei naws yn y gorffennol yn dewis Caerdydd.’

Rhodri Williams, Cadeirydd Bwrdd yr Iaith Gymraeg: ‘Gyda’r nifer cynyddol o Gymry Cymraeg yn mynychu’r Brifysgol yng Nghaerdydd, mae’r Cynllun hwn yn un hynod o bwysig ac i’w groesawu.’

‘Mae hefyd yn sail ar gyfer datblygiadau pellach yn y dyfodol.

Bydd y Brifysgol yn parhau i wneud cyfraniad pwysig o ran diwallu’r galw am bobl sydd yn gallu gweithredu’n effeithiol yn y gweithle yn Gymraeg ac yn Saesneg, a da yw gweld hynny.’

BILINGUAL : A taste of things to come

Bond bank gets go ahead

By Emily Warren

The Cardiff bond bank scheme , designed to regulate the system of housing bonds, will be officially launched later this year.

After a campaign involving the Cardiff Students’ Union and Jon

Owen Jones, Labour MP for Cardiff Central, the scheme has been granted full backing from the Welsh Assembly and Cardiff County Council.

Under the scheme, students will pay their bonds to an independent body.

The money will then be retained until the end of their tenancy. Local landlords and

University Bi-curious

By Sioned Bevan CARDIFF UNIVERSITY has launched a W elsh languag e scheme which will ensure that both Welsh and English will be given equal status within the Univ ersity.

The scheme, which was put into effect at the beginning of August, will see a series of bilingual policies operated that will make sure that parity between the languages occurs.

Plaid Cymru MP and former Cardiff University student, Adam Price, launched the Welsh Language Scheme at this year’s National Eisteddfod held at Denbigh.

Mr Price spoke positively about the measure,

describing it as “of signif icant importance – ensuring that the University’s existing and future students in Wales are offered a service in their chosen language.”

Students will now be able to demand a Welsh service from Cardiff University.

This service includes, discussing matters in Welsh with the University over the telephone, receiving publications and correspondence in Welsh and receiving a face-to-face service in Welsh.

A policy regarding this particular issue is being drawn up and the University is also keen to hire more bilingual staff.

Courses will also be

letting agencies will sign up to the scheme on a voluntary basis.

An independent panel will also be created to intervene if a landlord attempts to claim the bond unjustly.

Pressure for such action mounted when Roath based agency Castle Management went in to liquidation last offered to existing staff to increase the levels of Welsh spoken throughout the University from beginners to advanced learners.

Mr Price believes that the scheme will encourage Welsh speakers to choose Cardiff University.

He said, “I hope, with the development of Welsh medium education, that those students who might have chosen a traditional Welsh medium university, will instead choose to benefit from ‘the Cardiff experience’, which I always enjoyed as a student.”

Rhodri Williams, Chair of the Welsh Language Board said, “With the increasing number of Welsh speakers choosing Cardiff University, this scheme is vitally important and is welcomed by all students across Wales.”

He continued, “It also forms the basis for further development in the future.”

“The University will continue to provide a va l u a ble contribution to helping people wishing to use their skills in Welsh and English in the workplace.”

year, accruing debts to both landlords and students of over £250,000.

However, the Association of Letting and Management Agents (ALMA) have voiced concerns with the scheme in a recent meeting with Jon Owen Jones MP, and are so far refusing to take part.

Academic Affairs Officer,

Ian Hibble who has been involved in the campaign since the beginning said, ‘The bond bank is an important step towards enhancing student housing services.’

If proved to be a success, the scheme will be extended to students from the Welsh Institute and The Welsh College of Music and Drama.

N ews ● 3

gair rhydd,Monday 8 October 2001

Cardiff student dies in horror c ra sh

By Aimée Bry a n t and Abbie Jackson AN EXTREMELY popular and r espected Car diff University student, Irfan Khan, was last week tr agicall y killed in a horrif ic motorw ay accident.

The incident occurred on the M4 between Bristol and Bath as the student drove himself and a friend back to South Wales from London.

The friend escaped with only minor injuries.

The 24-year-old student from Newport had recently completed a postgraduate diploma in computing at the u n i v e r s i t y .

Communications and Community Officer Elaye Clark told gair rhydd, ‘Irfan was a very much loved individual who had many friends. He will be greatl y missed.’

Union President Tom McGarry also offered his condolences on behalf of the University, ‘I wish to express my deepest sympathy for the family and friends of Irfan Khan

during this difficult time.’

According to witnesses the accident occurred after the car appeared to lose control and turn on to its side. The upturned car then collided with other motorway traffic.

Police believe the force of these collisions, caused Mr Khan to be thrown through the windscreen into the path of other vehicles.

It is believed that two passing cars then hit the Mr Khan but failed to stop. Police are also trying to trace a heavy goods vehicle that was forced to brake heavily, but also continued without stopping.

Following the incident part of the M4 motorway had to be closed for seven hours.

Avon and Somerset police are currently investigating the accident and along with the University are urging any witnesses with information to come forward. The police can be contacted on 01275 818181, and Crimestoppers on 0800 555111.

Hooligans SOUL-ed out Union officials to take hard stance with troublemakers in nightclub

By Issy Taylor UNION OFFICIALS have announced a ‘zero toleranc e ’appr oach to the Save Our Union Licence (SOUL) campaign after a young man was seriously assaulted at Lashtastic last month.

The violent incident occurred outside of the Union Building and according to Union President, Tom McGarry, ‘the matter is under investigation.’

The zero tolerance approach means that any student who is caught doing a nything that the Union deem as unacceptable will be disciplined. This m ay va ry from a temporary, to a permanent ban from union facilities.

The Union could also report the student to the Dean of Students, who have the authority to perm a n e n t ly ex c l u d e students from the University.

Alex Molokwu, Head of Finances, emphasised that, ‘Everyone should feel equal in the Union and not oppressed or offended. It’s for all Cardiff University students and is there for entertainment, but if behaviour becomes unruly we’ll do everything we can to stop it.’

The SOUL campaign has been running successfully in the Union since it was set up four years ago, in an attempt to reduce noise pollution and vandalism. Last year was one of the most successful years without a single opponent to the renewal of the existing 1am license. Elaye Clarke, Union Executive, explained ‘What a lot of

people don’t realise is that students’ u n ru ly behaviour has a direct effect on the Students’ Union. If we have our late entert a i n m e n t license taken away, Solus will close at 11pm aind there will be no nightclub.’

He continued, ‘That in itself would lead to financial probl e m s and a loss of jobs.’

Tom McGarry agreed, ‘The action of a single individual could cause the possible shut down of the Union and all the facilities it has to offer.’

This year SOUL campaigners have been outside the Union in the evenings encouraging people to walk home in a quiet and respectful way.

Elaye Clarke goes on to add, ‘We are here for the students and want them to have a good time, but also to realise their responsibilities as good neighbours in the community.’

PIC: Mike Parsons

UNION STAFF: In no mood for buffooner y

Loyalty Card is best Bud

By Sarah Gunn

Budweiser aims to reward students with points which A NEW loyalty card has they can use against future been introduced to the purchases every time they Cardiff Students’ Union to spend in the Tafarn, Seren help students sa ve money Las and Solus. whilst spending at the bars.

As with the popular blue Following the success of cards, prizes can be won by the blue card in previous students using the new cards. years, the new loyalty card , A representative from the which is sponsored by Finance Department said, ‘We have tried to gear the prizes to things that students would like and, over the year will be giving away T- s h i r t s , alarm clocks, LOYALTY CARD: There to save you money kettles and

even International rugby tickets.’

However, concerns have been raised by students that, with the introduction of the new cards, they will lose the points on last year’s blue card.

The Finance Department has confirmed that these points will no longer be redeemable but that, on the reverse of last year’s cards, it clearly states points should have been collected by July 31 2001.

The cards are available from the Finance Department on the third floor of the Student’s Union. Points will be added at the rate of 10 per cent of the amount spent, when the card is produced at participating campus venues.

Cat-Walkabout

By James Bladon THE WALKABOUT Bar in Cardiff will be the venue for the regional final for an international modelling competition ne xt Sunda y.

The World Sports Model Search has held regional heats in 10 major cities all over the country in order to find a ‘Miss UK’, who will win £5,000 and take part in the world final, which will take place in March 2002 in Sydney.

Two qualifying heats have already been held in the bar on St. Mary’s Street, where eight models who caught the eye of judges have been invited to appear in the regional

final on October 14.

The final will see the contestants appear in several categories, including swim wear, a choreographed routine in sports wear, evening wear and an interview.

The two girls who impress the most during the evening will then have the opportunity to take part in a national final in London later this year. The event will also be televised live

by Sky Sports.

Walkabout Bar, who have teamed up with FHM Bionic to present the event have promised to bring ‘the awesome spirit of Australia to Cardiff’ where ‘Bondi Beach style babes will battle it out’ for the chance to be crowned Miss UK.

Ocean Spray Cranberry Juice 75ml

75p

Red Bull 79p Tel: 029 20 781472 E-mail shops@cardiff.ac.uk

www.cardiffstudents.com

4 ● N ews

gair rhydd, Monday 8 October 2001

700 issues young gair rhydd Editorial

With Gair Rhydd notching up its 700th issue this week, David Lindsall enters the murky depths of the gair rhydd archive to see how much times have changed since 1972

Second week stress THE NEWS that Tony Blair is prepared to re-think his ideas about tuition fees is a victory for common sense and student campaigning power.

Any student could have told the Prime Minister that the thought of having a £12,000 debt before even entering the workplace would make less well off student reconsider their plans to come to university.

However, I’m not so sure that graduation tax is the answer, although the move is a a step in the right direction. What we really need is a return to free education for all, which is something that young people have a right to and deserve.

The NUS will still be going ahead with their marches against tuition fees, so support their campaign and maybe we can force Tony Blair not just to reconsider his actions but to also make the change back to grants.

ALTHOUGH THIS fine publication went to press before Bush launched his air strikes on Afghanistan, the thought that we could well have World War III on our hands has prompted me to consider the implications of his actions here.

Like many people, I’m unsure what the air strikes are meant to achieve, rather than killing innocent civilians and making thousands homeless and hungry. Surely, if Osama Bin Laden has any sense, he would have left the country a long time ago, which means that the Allies are firing off their missiles futiley.

The sight of Pakistani’s rioting on the news this morning really brought home the severity of the situation. I just hope that the people who actually perpetrated the terrorists atrocities are punished as much the innocents who we are seeing on the news everyday.

Issue 400 – June 26 1991 THE FOUR hundredth edition carried editorial about the contr oversy over the £37,000 water fountain in the Union's Hanging Gardens, the old name of the union’s main venue .

There were fears that students would 'fill the pool with beer or even bring something in, like bubble bath.' Extra security staff were discussed to search each student and confiscate any such bubble bath.

The eternal argument on capital punishment raged on.

The writer in this edition viewed the sentiment that one day "the human race will regard all killing as a remnant of the Dark Ages" as "noble" but "has no basis". Probably all very helpful for philosophy students and prospective murderers.

The creative writing page exhibited the best of the years. Here's a rhyming couplet to die for: ‘I saw the back of you in the Finistere All I could gauge was that I liked your hair.’

Issue 100 – October 6 1981 THE ONE hundredth issue had a real newsletter feel to it with witty ed's inser ts appearing in br ackets all over the place a la Pri vate Eye. Inside gair rhydd went to bat for the unjustly treated of society. The paper was campaigning for a visa for a student facing deportation, whilst opposing housing fee increases. With the headline

'Rent strike on' - the 11% price hike was opposed. The price hike brought weekly rent in Uni Hall to £10.38 and Senghennydd to £14.56.

The recommended 'clubs' for listening to the Police and other such bands were Monty's in Charles St, Bananas in the High Street, but readers were told avoid Top Rank 'like the plague'.

Issue 500 – November 14 1994 "KEN CLARKE ate my grant!" was the eminentl y reasonable cry as 200 Cardiff students protested o ver education cuts in London and the pri vatisation of Student Loans Company loomed.

Union Communication Officers Colette Hume went on BBC radio to describe the scheme as 'laughable' but the kind of thing she expected from a Conservative government intent on taking 'a hatchet to students'.

A 500th special pullout charted the history of Gair Rhydd. Highlights included an incisive analysis of why Gair Rhydd doesn't win all the awards. It's because we produce weekly, thereby spreading the excellence throughout the year.

In the music section Ryan Shevlane asked whether Oasis ('a last, tragically shining outpost of true mod values standing alone in the midst of a musical desert') would just 'slide away.' Where is this music prophet now?

C o m men t ● 5

gair rhydd, Monday 8 October 2001

CCoommmm en t en t Prince Charming and the sleeping beauties

I

N CASE it has passed you by, Prince William started university this September.

St. Andrew’s saw a 50% rise in applications this year. You have to wonder what the point is. What exactly are these people going to do?

Picture ending up in the same flat as him: the almost obligatory ‘Where are you from?’ conversations in freshers week could perhaps seem slightly false. Oh, and how about ‘Is that your dad dropping you off?’ – I certainly couldn’t ask that in a sincere manner.

Although I would perhaps get on better with ‘Is that your uncle hiding behind a wall with the video camera?’, but it’s probably less of a good foundation for a friendly flatmate situation.

It probably is true that the biggest rise in WILL: Bit of a dish, what? applications came from girls, but it is truly sad if they are this deluded. How exactly would you go about approaching him? Admitting that he was the reason for your application is perhaps one strategy, but if that isn’t the biggest reason for him to walk off right away, I don’t know what is.

Even if you were the chosen girl that everyone seems to want to be so desperately, just how far could you really get? – ‘Do you want to come back to mine?

Yeah, sure, bring your bodyguard. No that’s no problem. Well...couldn’t he at least stand outside the room?’

Anyway, the chances are that when it comes to it, half of these girls won’t even dare go up to him, choosing instead to stand and stare, perhaps follow him ‘casually’ around for the evening, stare some more and, if all else fails, giggle.

I just hope that he has the sense not to go anywhere near them.

Perhaps I am being unnecessarily scathing about the whole course of events but I find something deeply uncomfortable in these hordes of people being so stupid as to choose their university simply because of one bloke that they do not even know.

Above all it shows a total obsession with themselves. Has it crossed their minds he could turn around to them and simply say ‘Sorry love, you’re just not my type’?

William is meant to have chosen St Andrews to escape crowds and get some peace, but it looks like he is about to be swamped by girls who in interviews have explained how their mothers have already chosen hats for the wedding.

Oh well. At least if all else fails they can store their hat safely away for the future – where their daughter failed with William they might succeed with Harry.

Jo Clements

Same difference S

O, AS the new century begins, (almost a religion itself) crusade? thriving western countries meanwhile, so also does a new era. An era The real problem seems to be a it is a similar inability to appreciate defined by a ‘new evil’, a new problem at the heart of human nature. difference which causes the Middle enemy that lurks in the shadows. Or It’s a problem which every nation has East to be so easily disregarded. so the news would have us believe. been guilty of throughout time. In When people are killed in America, But is the enemy really so expertly effect, it is the reason why a century graphic images of people that ‘could hidden, or does the problem lie cannot pass without a major conflict. be us’ cause us to sit up and take somewhere else?

It is the problem of difference. In the notice, not the simple fact that there The arguments over the Middle-East Middle East, where religion has a far are people dying. and the American terror attacks come more central role, religious intolerance At present, the world may be from two angles – there’s the ‘guilty has become a prime mover. divided due to specific inequalities and America’ camp, and the ‘guilty Exploitation of religious ambiguities political imbalances. But in the long terrorists’ camp, both term, it is human arguments with their own nature’s decision to strong evidence. America define itself in relation At present, the world may be helped arm the Middle to its superiority over divided due to specific inequalities East, and then turned others that causes and political imbalances. But in the away from the results. these problems to long term, it is human nature’s This scenario, it must be occur. decision to define itself in relation said, is reflected across Resistance to to its superiority over others that much of the West. difference is the prime causes these problems to occur.

On the other hand, the cause of conflict and it Middle East is hardly the is this inability to accept innocent victim. With the Taliban’s have led to a redefinition of ethics by others which will cause events such encouragement of violence in order to leading groups such as the Taliban, as these to happen again before the ‘purge’ difference in society, it is no causing moral frameworks which end of the century, and again after wonder that Afghanistan has given rise exclude others and lead to the that. to a militaristic fanaticism. creation of icons of the ‘society self’ There is no new evil, simply that Even less surprising is the fact that like Osama Bin Laden. which has been there throughout the such militants should turn their One of the most disturbing elements whole of history. thoughts to the destruction of America, of the Taliban regime is the limited America is guilty, the Middle East is seen as a self-satisfied symbol of world knowledge of its leaders. With guilty, and so is everyone else. And power, and resented for the cruel no access to television, and little sadly it seems that, beyond increasing reflection of inequality in the world that education beyond the Koran, their awareness, there are very few its presence gives rise to. empathy for ‘other’ societies is limited effective ways to eradicate this But what, really, is the issue here? to the extent that the opportunity for seemingly inherent human fault.

Is it really about these specifics? Is it empathy is simply non-existent. really about an Islamic or American In America, England and other Paul Sloman

“ ”

Doing it by the book A

S THE excitement that is known as Freshers Week starts to die down, the serious business of lectures and seminars has suddenly hit me like Mike Tyson taking a swing at Frank Bruno.

So on Monday I trundled off to my first lectures of the year completely blind to the work heading my way, having conveniently forgotten just what was involved.

As I sat down in the crowded lecture room, I was still oblivious to what I was letting myself in for (it only being my last year and all). And then the lecturer arrived and started speaking.

Against all laws of the human body, I think I had actually forgotten how to write. I found myself fighting for fifty minutes to get down every single word the lecturer said, having forgotten the knack of selecting what is relevant and important and writing that down instead.

Then came the most dreaded part of the beginning of lectures, the reading list. Every year I loathe this ritual because every year I know that I can’t afford to spend masses of money on books, and then find myself squabbling over them with fellow students in the Arts and Social Sciences Library.

This year however, with it being my final year, I made a vow that I would buy the key texts for each of my modules, so off I headed to Blackwells with debit card in hand.

I was prepared for one book being near the £30 barrier and picked it up and headed for the next book recommended by another lecturer – only to find that a book that was easily a fifth of the size of the one I had just picked up was actually more expensive.

Why don’t publishers realise that we poor students can’t afford these prices? And why doesn’t the very bookstore situated in the Students’ Union provide a student discount?

It’s mad!

Anyway, as my annoyance at this subject begins to slowly subside, it’s now time to head off to lectures and do some work for the first time since May. What a scary thought. But at least I’ll be able make use of the money I’ve just spent though. After all, I do complain but it is my future at stake, so why try and cut corners?

What will a few quid on books count if I’m a millionaire by the time I’m twenty five...?

Sian Birch

VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE

It’s that time of the year when every student’s conduct in the community will be highly scrutinised, which could lead to serious repercussions on the whole Students’ Union. If we continue to receive complaints about noise, vandalism, and general unruly behaviour by students from this University, it could affect our late entertainment licence, which in turn would mean a huge loss in revenue for all the great services we provide you.

So please continue to show your support for the Save Our Union Licence (SOUL) Campaign by respecting your neighbours and the community we all live in.

KEEP QUIET WHEN LEAVING THE STUDENTS’ UNION AT NIGHT DON’T VANDALISE OTHER PEOPLE’S PROPERTY (THIS IS A CRIMINAL OFFENCE PUNISHABLE BY LAW) PLEASE BE ADVISED ANY CARDIFF UNIVERSITY STUDENT FOUND BRINGING THE UNION INTO DISREPUTE MAYBE DISCIPLINED AND BANNED FROM THE UNION

REMEMBER SOUL AND TAKE IT EASY PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO REGISTER ON WWW.CARDIFFSTUDENTS.COM

Let ter s ● 7

gair rhydd,Monday 8 October 2001

Letter of the week The writer of this week’s Letter of the Week wins a full set of chimpanzee outfits courtesy of PG Tips.

Yours, James Landon

Dear Gair Rhydd, I would like to congratulate our University Challenge team on their more than creditable performance on this Monday’s programme.

They performed admirably and were unlucky to finish, well, second.

I particularly appreciated the conservative haircuts on display.

However, as a team hopeful back in April I was disappointed that only a handful of people took the trouble to make themselves available for selection. Surely a certain level of pride in our fine institution is called for.

Maybe next year we can expect a greater turn out in the trials, and, hopefully, can look forward to a prestigious run in the competition.

Yours, Aled Williams 3rdYear Electronic Engineering Lettersdesk says: Yes, didn’t they do well. I really thought we were gonna stick one up those arrogant UCL bastards. Even the man Paxman said we were unlucky with some of the questions. I mean who in the world knows the what the flags of the US states look like? For God’s sake. Hold your heads high, fellas, you did us proud.

A nd A no t her T hin g . . .

Dear Gair Rhydd,

I have a number of things to say to a number of people whose letters/reviews appeared in your last issue (GR 699).

First, to the 3rd year complaining about everyone paying equal fees, regardless of course. The point of tuition fees is to reduce government spending per person, so as to afford for more people to go to university. It is an equality thing by its very nature, so your idea is, er, stupid. You seem to advocate autonomous departments, which would decentralise everything, and make life hell, not least for us joint honours students. Oh, and have you seen what the international students pay? Science

cheque, even if she couldn’t give it to me!

Finally, to Sam Bevan. I, like you, would support a card system.

But the one proposed does impinge on civil liberties, simply because it would contain too much information, which would be available to total strangers. My greatest fear is a situation which would comparable to the 80s SUS laws. But then I’m a defeatist.

fees are double the arts ones!

Second, to Sian Birch. I am glad your enrolment went so well. Mine didn’t. I was, I admit, pleasantly surprised at the actual enrolment, and even when I came to get my NUS card updated. But then I had to get my loan cheque. I queued for 40 minutes, feeling the sanity ebb away, when I realised that inadequate sign-posting meant that the next queue, and thus began to push in. Not their fault, but the organisation’s. On arrival at the front, I watched as the octogenarian biddy filled in the form of the girl in front of me, taking a full minute to copy down her student number!

Finally, my turn. I admit to having forgotten my LEA/SLC award of loan notices, but had been assured by countless others that they were unnecessary. To the one at the end of my queue, they were. She even insisted on proving that she had my

Lettersdesk says: Hmm. Although I’m not so sure that a decentralised system would necessarily“make life hell,” (just look how smoothly decentralised Britain operates), your egalitarian stance on tuition fees is admirable. Which makes your attack on the “octogenarian biddy” in charge of giving you your loan cheque all the more unspeakable. The poor lady was only doing her job, after all. If you will turn up without the required documentation then what do you expect? Defeatist? That’s not the word I’d use.

S tar s and G ripe s Dear Gair Rhydd, It is rare indeed for me to feel the compulsion to write into a publica tion of any sort. Indeed, the last time I did so was to protest, through the NME, about the very poor packaging of a string of Menswear re-releases. As this amply illustrates, I am no common or garden whinger, happy to toss off a page long moan on a whim.

Oh no, not me sir.

However, last weeks letters page stirred me once more from my letter writing slumber. I mean, what sodding planet are you people on?

Rubbish bins? Tuition Fees?!

FREAKING BLUE CARDS! In case it had escaped your attention, our mighty Empire is at War. The world peace that the likes of the UK and the USA has striven so hard to maintain is in pieces, and our great nations stand once more

on the precipice of bloodshed and battles. And all you can do is moan about booze and videos? You make me sick. All of you.

God Bless America.

Yours, Andy Bell Lettersdesk says: It’s true, the stu dent orientated affairs with which this page concerns itself have been made to seem somewhat trivial in the aftermath of events across the Atlantic. However, that is not to say that they don’t matter anymore.

Far from it. What better act of defiance towards the terrorists is there than to immerse ourselves more thoroughly than ever in stu dent life? What choice have we got? So keep your letters flooding in.

S p ill a g e Dear Gair Rhydd, A word to the wise. Freshers (and any other highly-strung people), gravity works downwards. The bars in Solus aren’t very long, so inevitably can get busy. Put these two factors together and the result is, undoubtedly, spillage.

Nobody likes getting soaked with beer, but at the Union bars it is more or less a foregone conclusion that the bumping of elbows and the barging of oafs will result in a certain amount of misplaced moisture. So if you will wear your Sunday best to every event the Union cares to churn out, don’t be surprised to come home feeling drenched and unhappy.

Anyway, my point is this. Due the very nature of the universe, people will spill beer on you. GET USED TO IT! Don’t try to be hard, and don’t sulk about it. Shit happens. Don’t blame me.

Peace and lo ve to you all, Yours, Chris Tarrant

C a s h-flo w P r o b le m s Dear Gair Rhydd,

And there was me thinking that cash machines actually dispensed cash. Apparently not, if those on the second floor of the union are anything to go by. Every time I’ve tried to use them this semester I’ve been told to take my business elsewhere. It’s a royal pain in the arse.

Yours, A frustrated 2nd Year Lettersdesk says: Try using the cashpoints at sensible times of the day. If you will insist on trying to get your cash when the Union is at its busiest then what do you expect? It’s a sad fact of life, cash machines can’t always be fully stocked. Get over it.

G e t R e al Dear Gair Rhydd, Memo to whichever rampant tosspot is in charge of ‘Get There’try publishing the correct times and dates for events. That way, it would make it much easier to Get There, on time, and on the right day. You tit.

Yours, Ian Lloyd Davies 3rd Year Journalism Lettersdesk says: As you are no doubt aware, gair rhydd is produced in pressure-cooker working condi tions and it is almost inevitable that mistakes will be made. Obviously we all try to keep these to a mini mum, and apologise if any inaccu racies cause inconvenience. But your aggressive attitude is unhelp ful and uncalled for. You fudhead.

A wesome S cenes Dear Gair Rhydd, Praise be for the triumphant return of 80’s nite. Thank God that us 80’s lovers now have somewhere to go to discuss Spandau Ballet, leg warmers and Rolf Harris.

Yours Madonna

Send your letters in to us at Gair Rhydd, Students’ Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN or e-mail SSUGR1@CARDIFF.AC.UK. Gair Rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in, but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are not necessarily those of the newspaper or the editor.

Crossword

Back into the academic swing of things? So gi ve yourself a break. Take a few minutes to fill this in o ver a hot cup of coffee and win a meal for two at Cardiff ’s most illustrious curry house . I do it for my cultur e.

ACROSS : 3. Of us (3) 7. Bound about, puppy-fashion (6) 8. Public speaker (6) 9. Pause in doubt (8) 10. Dissolve (4) 11.Acclimatise (6) 12. Hard wor ker (6) 15. Straightforward (6) 18. Disfigure (6) 20. Load to capacity (4) 22. Habitual sleeplessness 23. More than one in number (6)

24.Cross and irrita ble (6) 25.Day before a nota ble event (3) DOWN: 1.Unpretentious (6) 2.Height abo ve sea le vel (8) 3.Sedati ve drug (6) 4.Small mammal pest, eg rat or mouse (6) 5.Moderately hot (4) 6.Breed of sheepdog (6) 11.Common conjunction (3) 13.Notorious (8) 14.Grass similar to wheat (3) 16. Frozen spike (6) 17.Thing of little value (6) 18.Medical measure (6) 19.Crunchy (6) 21.Loiter in a sinister fashion (4) Send your ans wers to the gair rhyddoffice and the winner will be announced in the next issue .

Last weeks winner was one Philip Walters of In verness Place .

Come on up to the GR office and collect your prize .

Name:_________________________________________________________ Address:_______________________________________________________ People point at me in the street because______________________________

This week’s winner wins a meal for two at The Roath Tandoori & Balti Restaurant

C la s sifie d s

●

Only 10 pence per word

●

20 pence per CAPITALISED word

●

25 pence per bold word

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30 pence per BOLD CAPITALISED word

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£1.00 additional charge for a boxed advertisement

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£2.00 additional charge for photo (box included free of charge)

MESSAGE Please print your Message in the box below. One word in each box. Capitalise words you want in CAPITALS. Underline words you want in bold.

TICK BOX IF BOX REQUIRED: TICK BOX IF PHOTOGRAPH REQUIRED: FOR INSERTION IN THE FOLLOWING ISSUE(S): CONTACTADDRESS/TELEPHONE: TOTAL COST: Please circle the category you require: Personal; Services; Employment; For Sale; Wanted; Accommodation; Societies; Miscellaneous Please complete this form and return it to: Gair Rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN. All cheques should be made payable to Cardiff Union Services Ltd.

G RiP

08 NON -SABBATICAL OFFICERS

PERSONAL

If you would like to get in touch with any of the non-sabs, please pop into the nonsab office on the 3rd floor of the union , as the new office hours have not been confirmed as Gair Rhydd went to press.

Every night between 8pm and 8am nightline is just a local telephone call or short walk away. here for information. here to listen. here for you.

Tel: 2038 2141 Drop-in: 148 Colum Rd

SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm WELSH AFFAIRS OFFICER/ SWYDDOG MATERIONCYMRAEG: Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons 2-5pm.

Contact Cerith Spooner on SpoonerC1@Cardiff.ac.uk INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS’ OFFICER : Wednesday afternoons. Contact Minelle Gholami on GholamiM1@Cardiff.ac.uk STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Monday 2-4pm. Contact Natasha Hirst on HirstN2@Cardiff.ac.uk WOMEN’S OFFICER: Monday and Wednesday afternoons. Contact Sally Cameron Griffiths on Cameron-Griffiths @Cardiff.ac.uk.

LGBOFFICER: Wednesday afternoons 25pm, Wednesday afternoons. Contact James Knight on KnightJ2@Cardiff.ac.uk.

BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Prab Ramkumar on RamkumarP1@Cardiff.ac.uk.

MATURE STUDENTS OFFICER: Contact Gareth Hiscocks on HiscocksG@Cardiff.ac.uk.

Xpress Station Manager: contact Emma Gait-Carr on StationManager@Xpressradio.co.uk.

All officers can be contacted on the third floor of the Students’Union.

Want to talk about sexuality ? Or do you want information about lesbian, gay or bisexual issues? No hassle, no pressure, just a friendly ear. Ring the LGB PHONELINE on 029 2039 8903, Monday, 7.00pm-9.00pm.

ACCOMMOD ATION 4 people looking for 2/3 students to join them in their lovely house 20 mins from university. House has bathroom and separate shower room, kitchen/sitting room, washer/dryer. All rooms have double beds, TV, internet. Rent £190pcm. Call Sinead on 07887 684446.

Room avaliable, suit postgrad female , £200. All mod cons. Own sink. Lisvane Street. Tel 029 20669037.

WANTED When this whole ‘uni versity’thing kicks off in earnest this space’ll be full to bursting, like the self-service salad bowl of a guiltily greedy man on a diet. But for now no-one wants anything, or has anything to say (rele vant or otherwise).

No matter .

WHAT YOU WANT: to meet that dream boy or girl who has the same painful obsession with old football comics and Japanese noise bands as you do. To go on a holiday shooting Mexican peasants with a Kalashnikov AND GETTING AWAY WITH IT. To find out that the Hamiltons were actually guilty after all. To see those polaroids of Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence (you want it, do you? Don’t we all). To work a 40-hour week as an office junior in an insurance brokers firm. To claw back a modicum of self-respect.

MISCELLANEOUS Freebase Desk welcomes back Field Marshal Lewis into the fray. It’s been a while, as Uncle Fester out of Staind would say. Actually it hasn’t been a while at all.

“In F rance we call this a sandwich...” I think I’m going to ha ve to stop you there.

Spacehopper Society to return in the near future... shit will be unruly.

Coming up next week in your horsefeedin’ GR: scrapin’the resin – a begin ners’guide; the f oxcore revival; the pur ple beast (it\s a car); the gospel accor ding to Foscolo.If it bleeds it leads,kids.

Inventive pizza toppings for hungry GR subs – Lockets and Tunes mixed with chest phlegm on a deep pan. Red and Coke with Rocket on a thin crust. Our mouths are watering.

0 1.1 0.0 1

blagging

C o m p e t i t io n s ● 0 9

gair rhydd,Monday 8 October 2001

The ultimate in...

THIS WEEK: RIDE THE RAILS, SLEEP HYGIENICALLY AND ENTICE RABBITS

On the right track THERE’S NO need to settle for simply playing on the railway lines now you’re at university. Celebrate the 25th anniversary of the steam train by taking a trip on a real train, and save a third on the price into the bargain.

The possibilities are endless. Why not ride the rails to Newport? Barry? Or even further. You’re bound to want to go home at some point, be it for familiar home cooking or, of course, a court appearance.

And after the disappointment of commercial spaceflight, you’ll find that almost every major British town now boasts a train station. Take advantage of this fact and avoid lectures by visiting your friends at their universities, drinking all their advocaat, sleazing

on their flatmates and generally out-staying your welcome before they eventually get sick of you and tell you to piss off. You leech.

If this all sounds like a jolly good wheeze, then listen up. We have FIVE Young Persons Railcards to distribute amongst the students of Cardiff. They are valid for fifteen months, affording you over a year’s smug travelling at the rail industry’s expense.

Mature students too can beat the system because these cards are good for full-time students over 26.

To win a Young Persons Railcard, just tell us the name of Wales’ answer to Thomas the Tank Engine. Was it:

RAILCARD: You don’t have to have a fat tongue to own one.

A: B: C:

Orville the Engine Ivor the Engine Ernie the Engine

God speed your entries to my loving arms at the usual address.

At last! Clean bedsheets!

YOUR DAYS of sleeping curled up in a piece of dirty sacking are over. No longer will you wake up cold and aching, the running sores on your back freshly opened by the coarse weave of the old curtain you use as a bedsheet.

ISIC, the International Student Identity Card people, have joined up with Coloroll, the bed people, to offer fifty huddled wossnames the chance to sleep like the king himself.

They have fifty sets of ‘Latino’ style bedding – I’m not sure what’s so Latino about them either – to give away gratis. Apparently these bed sets (duvet cover, two pillow cases and a sheet) hail from the fashion catwalks, and come in a choice of either Rich Red & Fuschia or Adriatic Blue.

Fashion’s all very well, but I think it’ll take all fifty duvets simultaneously to keep me alive this winter.

Win bedding with ISIC and Coloroll...

Just complete this ‘popular ’ saying: “Don’t let the ___ ___ bite” Email your answer to: Jfearnhead@nussl.co.uk or send a postcard to: Jo Fearnhead, ISIC Competition, NUS Services Ltd., Snape Road, Macclesfield, Cheshire SK10 2NZ.

They call it bunny love gair rhydd

*Printer model Xerox760. (Offer price £74.99 current selling price £139.99). Offer only open to students at UWC. Must show student ID, valid between 24th September + 14 October. While stocks last/Picture for illustration only.

Drop your answers in to the Gair Rhydd office on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union.

Or you can send them to: Gair Rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN Alternatively, e-mail your answers and contact details to: ssugr1@cardiff.ac.uk Win this stuff or I’ll have to keep it for myself.

IF, LIKE me, you spend most nights sobbing quietly into your Bovril and lamenting your lack of success with the lay-deez (or boys, whatever) then this competition probably isn’t for you.

This is a competition for ruthless sexual predators and icy, loathsome heartbreakers only.

Rabbit-On.com are looking to give away a fat wad of HMV vouchers for the most pant-loosening chat-up lines and noose-tightening put-downs you send in.

If you want a part of the £300, and don’t mind sharing your sure-fire bedwarmer line with the nation, visit www.rabbit-on.com and let them have it.

The saucepots.

F il m : I s E n i g m a all it’s c r acked up t o be?

Actor p r o file o n Ed N or ton

In G a m e s : Z el d a O r a cle o f S ea s o n s

Super Furry Animals The day that Gruff met GRiP Battle Royale • The Score • Brian Blessed• Mario Kart •The Barber of Seville I n s i d e : G e t T h e r e ! T h e u l t i m a t e g u i d e t o C a r d if f a n d b e y o n d !

C ontents 0 2 . G e t T here

P la n a nig h t o u t w i t h f r ie n d s , o r if y o u h a v e n o n e pla n a nig h t o u t t o m ee t s o m e, wit h o u r f r a n kly b o n z e r g u i d e t o W h a t ’ s O n i n C a r d if f .

0 4. A rts

O pe r a! T hea t r e! D ance!

N o , i t ’ s n o t R e n ai s s a n c e P a ris , b u t o u r w o n d e r f ul A r t s s ec t io n .

0 5 . B ooks

B o o k s c ele b r a t e t h e 7 0 0 t h i s s u e o f G ai r R h y d d w i t h a gla n c e 7 0 0 yea r s in t o t h e f u t u r e .

0 6 . F il m

F il m l o o k a t t h e s c a r ily v i o le n t B a t t le R o y ale a n d t h e p r o b a b ly g o o d T h e P le d g e , a s t h e s e x y E d w a r d N o r t o n’ s in i t .

0 9 . M u s ic

A h e a d y m ix o f n e w s a n d r e v ie w s , s e r v e d u p w i t h a win k a n d a k n o win g g rin b y t h o s e t a s t y M u s ic types.

1 3 . G a mes

W ha t m o r e c an w e s ay t h a t M a r io K a r t !

1 5 . T V G uid e

Yo u r c o m p r e h e n siv e g uid e t o w ha t’s on t he box.

N o t al w a y s a c c u r a t e , b u t i t ’ s s o m e t hin g t o r ea d .

G RiP E di t o r S arah H odson G R i P E di t o r J o h n B a yle y Arts Liz zie B r o w n a n d L a D o n n a H all B ooks D . C . Gates F il m J o nathan S teven Games J a m e s M o r le y a n d C h r is F ai r e s M u s ic G e m m a C u r tis a n d M a r ia L a n e Get Ther e N o el G a r d n e r n e e d s a lif e (s o d o e s C h a r lo t t e M a r t y n – a n y o f f e r s ? ) T V Lis t in g s C h a r lo t t e M a r t y n , N o el G a r d n e r , N ic k H a r r is o n G R i P n e e d s y o u r h elp ! W e a r e o v e r w o r k e d a n d lo sin g o u r m in d s .

Visit o u r m e dia p e n t h o u s e o n t h e 4 t h flo o r o f t h e U nio n o r • E - m ail s s u g r 1 @c a r dif f . a c . u k • H ea r u s s peak 0 2 9 2 0 7 8 1 4 3 4 / 6

G RiP

G et There

02

E

ver found yourself, alone, in front of the TV on a Friday night, unsure of what to do and whe r e to go in the sprawling metropolis that is Car diff? No, me neither. On the off chance that some people have, though, here are the listings. Any Society types wishing to adve r tise an event are more than welcome to, by dropping a line to the Gair Rhydd office, or e-mailing us at ssugr 1 @ cf.ac.uk, putting Listings as the subject, by noon W e dn e s d a y .

U nio n M o n day 8 / 1 0 Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm, free. With ‘Beat the Clock’ promotions running from 9-11pm and Playstation network.

Tues d ay 9 / 1 0 W ed ne s day 1 0 / 1 0

Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50. The midweek look back in time with loads of ‘60s and ‘70s tunes for all you sports fans to go crazy to.

Th u r s day 1 1 / 1 0

Replay @ Solus 9pm, £2. It’s like ‘80s night only with enough ‘90s stuff so first years don’t feel stupid. 80p a pint on stuff.

F r id a y 1 2 / 1 0

Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm, £2. Drink-friendly cheese abounds.

S u n d ay 1 4 / 1 0

Mark B & Blade @ Solus 7.30pm, £7.50. Rather good UK hip-hoppers will hopefully deign to both turn up this time, unlike in Clwb Ifor Bach earlier this year. Lazy tossers.

C lu b bin g M o n day 8 / 1 0 Rational Thinking @ The End...

8pm-11pm, Drum’n’bass.

Student night @ Cuba 9pm-2am, Free b4 10pm.

Happy Hour @ Bar IsIt? 5pm-7pm, £5 bottle of wine, £6 4-pint pitcher of Fosters

Tu e s d a y 9 / 1 0

Hoochy Koochy @ The Emporium 9pm-2am, £1 b4 10pm/£2.

Salsa night @ Cuba 9pm-2am, Entry varies, Salsa classes from 8pm, Carlsberg £1 a bottle, Bacardi £1.50 a bottle.

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am, £2.50, Heavy Rock Disco.

Pulse @ Zeus £1 a pint and spirits. A market with meat.

Breakbeat @ The End...

8pm-11pm, With DJ Pete.

Offya Face @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 before 10.30pm.

Happy Hour @ Henry’s Cafe Bar 3pm-9pm, £2.50 for cocktails with NUS card.

W ed ne s day 1 0 / 1 0

The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm. With a playback of the new Mull Historical Society album this week.

Party night @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry, Carlsberg £1 a bottle, Bacardi £1.50 a bottle.

Student Night @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am, £2,everything from UK garage to indie, all drinks £1.50.

Happy Hour @ Henry’s Cafe Bar 3pm-9pm, £2.50 for cocktails with NUS card.

RhythmNation @ Dylan’s Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50.

Student Night @ Rosie’s Bar DJ from 8pm. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50.

Happy Hour @ Bar IsIt? All night 2 for 1 offers on Smirnoff Ice, Foster’s Ice and Strongbow Ice. Pure Brown Sugar @ Philharmonic 10pm-2am, free before 10pm then £3/£2.50 NUS, r‘n’b, soul and ragga, £1 pint.

T h u r s d ay 1 1 / 1 0

Progressive House @ The End...

Disco Inferno @ Zeus 9pm-2am, £3/£2 NUS, 70s stuff. Zzzz.

Beyond The Calico Wall @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm-2am, free. This rules but we’re not sure if it’s still happening in Clwb. We hope all is OK now.

F r id a y 1 2 / 1 0

Precinct @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm, £8 before 11pm. Information (07950) 345791. Top floor: Brazilian jungle DJ Marky, plus Bryan Gee and Ruffstuff. Bottom floor: A Track, Nuff Flava and Money Shot. Sorry guys – retard boy here typed in the next week’s listings last issue. So, er, this week they stay the same. OK? Pure Brown Sugar @ Elite Room, Zeus 10pm-2am, free before 10pm then £3/£2.50 NUS, Enter the Dragon @ Vision 2K 9pm-6am, £10/£8. I’d rather not, thanks.

US Garage @ The End...

8pm-11pm, With DJ Gavin.

Move ‘n’ Groove @ The Edge (Po Na Na) 10pm-3am, £3/£4, House and Garage.

Chaos @ Metros 9pm-3am, alternative student night.

Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar (downstairs) 9pm-1am, £1. Stoner rock/post-hardcore night.

ROAR @ Evolution 9pm-4am. £10 or £8 NUS. Cool House @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. US, UK and Italian house.

Party Night @ Red’s 11am-2am. Chart, r’n’b, garage and swing.

Metropolis @ Charles Street 10pm-2am, Free before 11/£3 after. Chillout and mellow funk with Andy Loveless.

S at u rday 1 3/ 1 0

Funky Techno @ The End...

8pm-11pm, with One Mission DJ’s.

Bitch @ The Edge (Po Na Na) 10pm-4am, £5.

The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 before 10.30pm.

Club Class Latino – Sol Latino + guest DJs @ Toucan Entry £3.50 b4 10pm, slammers £1 b4 10.30pm.

Dance Classics @ Bar Cuba 10pm-2am. £2/£4. DJ Andy Loveless Stateside @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Funky US, UK house and Garage.

Party Night @ Red’s 11am-2am. 70s, 80s, 90s, chart!!!

Kettle @ Bar Amigos 8pm-1am, free entry before 9.30pm then £2.

Twisted By Design @ Dempsey’s 7pm-12am, £2 I think.

L iv e M u s ic M on day 8 / 1 0 Biffy Clyro + Tetra Splendour @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm, £4 adv. Information (029) 20232199.

Scotch pop-punk triers team up with Porthcawl psych-nudgers. Uh, groovy.

Aereogramme + Kardomah + Teriyaki @ Barfly 7.30-11pm, £3 adv. Information (029) 20667658.

Aereogramme’s splendid debut album, A Story In White, thanks ‘everyone who spelt our name properly’. Whoever did the posters for Barfly won’t be among them. Aereogramme have also inadvertently won us a bet with someone. Cool.

Tu e s d a y 9 / 1 0

The Roadworks Tour: Ben and Jason + Carina Round + Zanderman + Christopher Rees @ Barfly 7.30-11pm, £5 adv. Ben And Jason’s new album is called Ten Songs About You. Seeing as they both write the songs, that must mean they’re either banging, or cracking ‘em out over, the same girl.

That’s a disturbing thought.

W ed nes d ay 1 0 / 1 0

Liberty 37 + Taint + Goatboy @ Barfly 7.30-11pm, £5 adv. Three bands from Swansea, distressingly – but wait. OK, Liberty 37 are dull as watching semen dry, but Taint are top sludgehardcore and Goatboy, er, have a bomb name.

Radio 2 Live: Lear + Jylt + Chalk Circle @ Sam’s Bar. These are all free unless indicated and probably start about 8pm, but phone (029) 20694450 for confirmation.

Radio 2 Live: Charlotte Greig + Dylan Fowler + Mabon @ Dempsey’s Radio 2 Live: JT Mouse + Maharishi + Joe Quillin @ Oz Bar. Recommended.

Radio 2 Live: Christopher Rees + Riff + Den @ Toucan Club. Recommended.

T h u r s d ay 1 1 / 1 0

•Radio 2 Live: Man @ Clwb Ifor Bach. Scary old prog rockers.

Pezz + Douglas + Fishtake + My Deaf Audio @ Barfly 7.30-11pm, £5.00. Pezz: American emo-ish poppy punkers (produced by Albini, sadsacks). Douglas and Fishtake: local skatecore. MDA: nope, sorry.

•Radio 2 Live: Coal Porters + The Raconteurs + Smokehand @ Sam’s Bar. Recommended.

•Radio 2 Live: Roosvelt + New Druids + Juniper @ Dempsey’s •Radio 2 Live: Heroine + Cast Iron Shores + Drift @ Oz Bar •Radio 2 Live: The All Star Blues Revue @ Toucan Club. Led by Mike Peters of The Alarm, this sounds utterly terrifying.

F r id a y 1 2 / 1 0

Super Furry Animals + Killa Kela + DJ Vadim @ Cardiff International Arena 7.30pm, £16. Information (029) 20224488. This is going to rule. Nice choice of support as well.

S a t u r d ay 1 3 / 1 0

Maharishi + Mim Twm Llai @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm-2am, £3 members/£6 English scum. Welsh language bands’ night. Often ace.

S u n day 1 4 / 1 0

French Kicks + McLusky + Fenton @ Barfly 7.30pm, £3 adv. This is an NME On night, which is why it says NME on the posters in much larger type than the names of the actual bands. Sigh. Anyway, French Kicks: some of ‘em used to be Jonathan Fire*Eater. We have a boner already. McLusky are just legends. That’s all. Go to this.

King Django + Suffragettes @ Newport TJ’s Phone for times and prices. Information (01633) 216608. More stuff on the Hellcat label, and more strictly traditionalist ska/reggae. Could be a doozy.

C o m in g U p M o n d a y 1 5 / 1 0 t o F r id a y 1 9/1 0 Radio 2 Live In Cardiff @ various venues Information (029) 20694450. Full rundown next week hopefully, but highlights include Embrace, Gorky’s, The Divine Comedy, Pete Wylie, Haven, Murry The Hump (last gig ever... sniff) and about a trentfillion more.

Tue s d ay 1 6 / 1 0

Trans Am + The Fucking Champs + Sticker Club @ Newport TJ’s 9pm, £5. Two ace American experimental bands come to our back yard.

W ed nesd ay 1 7 / 1 0

Propaghandi + Grade @ Newport TJ’s £6.50 adv, phone for times. American hardcore types, generally described as ‘political’ and ‘emotional’respectively, arrive for rare UK dates.

S a t u r d ay 2 0 / 1 0

Ninja Tunes Night @ Seren Las 7.30pm, phone for prices. With DJ Food and The Herbaliser. Go and do drugs.

M o n day 2 2 / 1 0

Shed Seven @ Solus 7.30pm, phone for prices. Maybe Rick Witter will piss against the jukebox of the Taf, like he did last time Shed Seven played here. Zzzzzzzz.

Cinerama @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm, £8.00 adv. This might be the indiest night ever.

M o n day 2 9 / 1 0

Six By Seven @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7.30pm, £6 adv. They’re sick at the state of Britain.

That’s because you live in Nottingham, you fools.

T h u r s day 0 1 / 1 1

Gene @ Clwb Ifor Bach £10 adv, phone for times. The indie nostalgia circuit continues to pass through Cardiff. Louche is the word we’re looking for.

F r id a y 0 2 / 1 1

Slipknot @ Cardiff International Arena £20 (ulp) adv, phone for times. Way overpriced, but it’s going to rule. Go and see Slipknot and watch a man play drums with his head.

F r id a y 0 9 / 1 1

Muse @ Newport Centre Phone for times and prices. Indie-prog princes screech amusingly in large sports hall.

S a t u r d ay 1 0 / 1 1

Embrace @ Great Hall 7.30pm, £12.50 adv. Back again, in a venue that can actually accommodate them this time.

T h u r s day 1 5 / 1 1

Wheatus @ Great Hall 7.30pm, £12.50 adv. I’m scared frankly.

F r id a y 2 3 / 1 1

The Arsonists + DJ Patife @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm, £8 adv. The Arsonists fucking rule. This is such an awesome coup for Precinct that we forgive them for blowing out Richie Hawtin.

S u n day 9 / 1 2

Basement Jaxx @ Great Hall 7.30pm, £15 adv. What a way to commemorate the day of the Lord. The Jaxx are ace, spesh if they pull out all the stops live.

W ednesday 1 2/ 1 2

Stereolab @ Coal Exchange 8.00pm, £9 adv. It’s been years since Stereolab came to Cardiff. This will slay. When Listings was 17, Stereolab was the best drug music in the world.

Is that weird? We’ll see in December I guess.

Oh, one more thing. We know these listings are a botch job and we’re sorry. This isn’t our actual job anymore and we’ve had to cobble them together between doing TV, drinking red wine and trying to stay awake. We can’t find anything for the Emporium, short of going out and copying stuff off posters. Normal service will hopefully be resumed next week, but I wouldn’t put money on it.

0 8.1 0.0 1

G et There C in e m a S ho w tim es C hap ter A r t s C en t re ( C a n t o n ) u n t il 1 4 / 1 0 Tel : 0 2 9 2 0 3 0 4 4 0 0 Moulin Rouge Mon/Tue 20.00; Weds 14.30 + 20.00; Thurs 18.15 + 20.30 The Pledge Fri & Sat 18.15 + 20.30; Sun 21.00 Recess: School’s Out Sat 15.00 Lagaan Sun 17.00 Startup.com Mon & Tues 19.30 Two or Three Things I KNow About Her Weds 19.30, Thurs 14.30 + 19.30, ‘Black Film Festival on Tour’ Friday, Saturday & Sunday

U C I C a r d if f B a y U n t il 1 1 / 1 0 Tel : 0 8 7 0 0 1 0 2 0 3 0 Amelie 12.30 (Sat & Sun ), 15.15, 18.00, 20.45, 23.30 (Fri/Sat ) A.I. 11.30 (Sat & Sun), 14.55, 18.05, 20.00, 21.25, 23.35 (Fri & Sat ) American Pie 2 ADVANCE SCREENING SUNDAY ONLY 13.45, 16.35, 19.00, 21.40 Moulin Rouge 11.45 (Sat & Sun), 14.25, 17.30, 20.30, 23.20 (Fri & Sat) The Score 15.35, 18.20 (Not Tues), 21.10 (Not Tues), 21.55 (Tues), 23.55 (Fri & Sat) Mike Bassett: England Manager

14.40, 17.00, 19.30, 21.45 Scary Movie 2 00.15 (Fri & Sat) A Knight’s Tale 13.30 (Sat), 16.20, 19.05 Driven 13.00 (Sat & Sun), 15.50, 18.35, 21.20, 00.05 (Fri & Sat) Enigma 12.45 (Sat & Sun), 16.05, 18.50, 21.35 The Fast and the Furious 13.45 (Sat), 16.35 (Not Sun), 21.40 (Not Sun & Weds) Original Sin 12.15 (Sat/Sun), 15.10, 18.15, 21.00, 23.40 (Fri & Sat) Cats and Dogs 11.10 (Sat & Sun), 13.15 (Sat & Sun), 15.25, 17.45

U G C C i n e m a , C a r d if f U n t il 1 1 / 1 0 Tel : 0 8 7 0 9 0 7 0 7 3 9 Moulin Rouge 10.00, 12.30, 3.20, 6.10, 9.00, 11.50 (Thurs Only) A.I. 10.40, 1.40, 5.00, 8.10, 11.20 (Thurs Only) A Knight’s Tale 10.30, 1.10, 4.00, 6.50, 9.40 The Martins 10.20 (Not Thurs), 12.20 (Not Thurs), 2.20, 4.20, 6.20 (Not Mon & Weds), 8.20 (Not Mon & Weds), 10.20 Scary Movie 2 10.00 (Not Tues & Thurs), 10.10 (Tues & Thurs) 12.00, 4.00, 6.00, 8.00 (Not Weds), 10.00, 12.00 (Thurs Only) The Fast and The Furious 11.40, 2.00, 4.40, 7.00, 9.30, 11.50 (Thurs Only) The Score 10.30, 1.10, 3.50, 6.40, 9.20, 11.50 (Thurs Only) Battle Royale 11.30, 1.40, 4.00, 6.10, 8.20, 10.30 Rush Hour 2 7.50, 10.00, 12.00 (Thurs Only)

Cough

Do you have some time to spare?

If you are suffering from a cough please come and see us.

You may be able to help us with our research.

Expenses will be given for those who participate in the trial.

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Common Cold Centre

Cardiff School of Biosciences, Off Park Place, near the Tower Block Monday - Friday 9.30am - 4.30pm

Driven 11.50, 2.20, 4.50, 7.20, 9.50 Amelie 10.00, 12.40, 3.20, 6.00, 8.40, 11.30 (Thurs Only) Enigma 10.10, 12.50, 3.20, 5.50, 8.30, 11.30 (Thurs Only) Crazy / Beautiful 10.30, 12.50, 3.10, 5.30 Mike Bassett: England Manager 11.30, 1.40, 3.50, 6.00, 8.10, 10.20

If you’re mad about films, don’t forget to enter the competition on the film page to win tickets to the spanking new UGC cinema in town.

You can see any film you like and soak up the atmosphere in the bar overlooking the city.

If you don’t win the cinema tickets, you can always get to go to the movies for free by coming along to our GRiP meetings and take away a film to review. The meetings take place in the gair rhydd office at 2.15pm on Wednesdays, and are the best ways to get involved with the paper. See you there.

03 S o cie t ie s Lis t in g s DANCESPORT are now well and truly up and running for the start of the new year. Thanks to a massive success at the freshers fayre, if you missed us we were the ones walking around in dance costumes!, We have had a huge interest in the club and now have in excess of 125 members which is brilliant. We had our first lesson on Tuesday 2 October which saw members and non-members alike, strutting their stuff in the form of Merengue and Cha Cha Cha to name a couple. Better still this was just the first lesson and we are looking forward to even greater success in our next lessons, of course it’s never too late to join the club and experience the buzz for yourself!!! We are also pleased to announce that our first social will be on Thursday the 11 October at 7.30 in the End, so grab your ticket at the end of our lessons,now to avoid missing out!!!

S t ill s h o w i n g i n C a r d if f

T H E M A R TI N S Starring: Lee Evans, Kathy Burke Cert: 15 Disjointed but admirable take on working class suburbia, with Burke great as ever.

Lee Evans turns in the performance of his career to date, but the script lets the side down badly in places. Not funny enough for comedy or moving enough for drama, it’s still strangely engaging.

A I Starring: Jude Law, Hayley Joel Osment Cert: 12 Spielberg returns, and once more leaves himself open to those well worn ‘style over substance’accusations. Regardless, when a film looks this good, it’s worth the price of admission even if the plot does stink.

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Have you got time to help us with our research at the Common Cold Centre? If yes, please telephone 0 5 0 0 6 5 5 3 9 8 (Freephone) or come to the Common Cold Centre.

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Common Cold Centre

Cardiff School of Biosciences, Off Park Place, near the Tower Block Monday - Friday 9.30am - 4.30pm 0 8.1 0.0 1

b o oksfeatu r e

04

2 0 0 1 : A P a ge O d y s s ey

S

EVEN HUNDRED weeks of Books, eh? Probably counts as a crime against humanity in some places. But still, that’s a lot of books reviewed, praised, slated and, in some cases, burned.

The initial plan to celebrate this most auspicious of occasions was a look at how far this section of Gair Rhydd has progressed during this time – a trawl through the archives, bringing you a selection of gems from years past.

Unfortunately, a combination of laziness and lack of time has resulted in the abandonment of yet another over-ambitious scheme. So, instead, Books brings you a stirring portrayal of the undiscovered country, the realm of make-believe, the white-hot vision of technological progress that is the future.

Firstly, forget all that nonsense spouted by nay-sayers and bugbears about the internet replacing the printed word.The world wide web has produced, and has the capacity to produce infinitely more shite than Mills and Boon. Ever.

Yes, the future of books and literature is a fantastic prospect, M E T A L LI C : A r o b o t . Q ui t e p o s s i b ly r e a d i n g .

O r m aybe no t

and Gair Rhydd is here to guide you. So what of the structure of dependent on its author, and this part of the literary world has books themselves? Obviously the future holds much capacity for undergone the most changes. For one thing, there are now choice, and here the materials for book-making are open wide to books written by robots, for both robot and non-robot audiences, interpretations. For those who prefer their reading matter to be F o r t h o s e w h o p r e f e r t h ei r light and non-demanding, some books are available in pill form.

This mode of production is open to all forms of literature, r e a d i n g m a t t e r t o b e li g h t although it is best suited to magazines and light novels (the pill a n d fa s t -a c t in g , b o o k s a r e for Dune, for example, being particularly hard to swallow).

Some readers, of course, prefer the more traditional feel of a v ail a b le i n p ill f o r m pages between their fingers, and naturally they too are catered for. Books are usually available in covers of tungsten (hardback) some being programmed to write and others taking their own or Bacofoil (paperback). There are also aluminium-bound artificial-intelligent initiative. volumes, which contain analogue synthesisers, holograms, and Extra-terrestrial authors, despite finding recognition difficult at glow-in-the-dark patches. first, now make up a healthy portion of the literary market. Some In the future the subject matter presented to the reading unkind and jealous people have suggested that publishers public will also have increased in scope. Advances in technology prefer deadlines to quality, and that using psychic dictation or will widen the boundaries of manuals and self-help guides, with multiple limbs is just cheating.

The Idiot’s Guide to Cryogenics and Death Rays for Beginners Finally, developments in cryogenics and cloning have led to being firm favourites. many authors coming back form the dead to edit or improve The contacts made with life on other planets their work. So far there are forty-six versions of Watership Down opens up the range of subjects to an almost infinite by seven different Richard Adamses, including one in which the degree – especially in the foreign language and bunnies commandeer a truckload of plutonium and go on a travel sections of your local bookshop (which will be grass-grazed rampage. manned by clones of either Jim Bowen or Carol However, this brave new world is but a fraction of what the Vorderman, due to an unfortunate clerical error). future holds in store for those who like their books. Who knows Also, there are many more real-life war thrillers, what delights await us by the time Gair Rhydd reaches issue these being gripping tales of the campaigns against 1400? Here’s to the next seven hundred. David Gates enemies such as the Treens, the Space Mummy, the Mind Parasites and The Human This week, Brian Blessed gives us a few minutes of his League. Sadly, The Little Book precious time to tell us about his love of all things literary. of... series is Speaking to us from a nearby mountaintop, he gives you this still up and running. following endorsement.

The subject “BOOM! BEFORE I started reading Gair Rhydd I didn’t know what matter of a a book was – I thought they were really heavy butterflies. book is naturally But now I am the heartiest man in Great Britain, nay, the world,

IT’ S A B O O K S C E L E B RIT Y IN T E R VIE W !

and I owe it all to writing for Gair Rhydd’s BOOKS page, the finest surface wiper in the land (my housekeeper swears by them). Boom!”

WELL, YOU can’t fault the man, can you? If you want to be like Brian, then come along to our weekly meetings.

They’re held every Wednesday at 2.15pm on the fourth floor of the Union. We’re always ready for new blood (for more than one reason) and are desperate for contributions, ideas and reviews.

T h i s w e e k ’ s b e s t - s elli n g b o o k s . . .

Funky Wigs, & Shades Flares, Jeans, Shirts, Mini Dresses Ball Masks & Theme Accessories

10%

Student Discount

Open: Mon - Sat 10.00am - 5.30pm

UPSTAIRS CARDIFF ANTIQUE CENTRE 1 0-1 2 Royal Arca de, C ardiff Tel: 0 2 9 2 0 3 9 8 8 9 1

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1 : A tla n ti s F o u n d C . C u s s le r

t h e P hilo s o p h e r ’ s S t o n e J . K . R o w lin g

2 : D ead L o ng E no u g h J. Hawes

7 : C’m on City!

G . Ll o y d

3 : O wl Tr ee J . Nim m o

8 : D i s c o v e r i n g C a r d i f f’ s Pas t D . M o rgan

4 : T he P ep per ed M o t h M . D r a b b le

9 : H o t S ix J . E v a n o vi c h

5 : Ti d e Ta b l e s 6: Harry P o t ter and

1 0 : D eat h D u Jo u r K . R eic h s

...According to Blackwell’s, Cardiff

games

05

H a l f– L i n k

ZELD A: O R A CLE O F SEASONS C a p c o m / N in t e n d o (G B C)

F

AMILIARITY BREEDS contempt, and the Zelda universe (in both flatpack and 3D form) is becoming so embedded in the gaming mindset that you can’t help but feel you’ve been here before, that you’ve bombed those wall-cracks already. Seasons, as with any instalment of the Zelda franchise, does contain enough original ingredients in the form of side-questing, ideas and quirk to stimulate the palate of the most hardened, embittered antiSony letterbomb lobbyists out there. It features weekends worth of engrossing play, and still remains a definitive lesson to any budding developers out there whose idea of hi-design involves storing medical kits in crates, and toilets that can be flushed.

In addition to the usual dungeon-solving and heart-finding, the intricate world of Zelda now features a variety of animal sidekicks with jumping/swimming/moulting capabilities, and the titular seasons can be controlled by Link to open up new areas (much like the Light/Dark duality of Link To The Past). Customisable rings can be collected and worn, with varying effects, and provide an interesting connection with Oracles sister title, Oracle of Ages. A particularly considerate, though fairly inconsequential, touch on behalf of developers Capcom is that playing on a GBA will unlock one or two extras – it serves to illustrate the kind of detail and

affection that Zelda titles are lavished and plied with.

Zelda: Oracle Of Seasons, whilst not guilty of the hate-crime of churning that surrounds most western franchises (add a new hat, set it in a jungle, pepper with lens flare, call it a sequel), is slightly whiffy only because of how much classical Zelda it retains.

Enter

and Majora’s Mask. Maybe the obscene cosmetic wrong-footing that marks of the cel-shaded Gamecube Zelda is a positive omen.

Whilst Oracle Of Seasons isn’t staid or formulaic, it feels like a cosy, soporific Saturday night in front of the telly, watching beatific children stroke beatific animals, when at the back of your mind is that nagging feeling that you should be down the local nightspot, hassling the bouncers to give you a piggyback, dancing until your nose explodes in a shower of cartilage and disco biscuits, before stumbling home in the arms of a fuckbunny fresher and smashing your teeth upon the kerb whilst trying to blind a policeman with a wooden chip fork.

Oracle Of Seasons is good, it’s very, very good. Just don’t lose sleep over it, OK? Steven Bailey

www.feederweb.com www.weakestlink.com a dungeon, shove a block, l i g h t some torches, defeat uberstinky boss baddie with your recently acquired Zelda-gadget, collect the fourth piece of the sacred doobrie, and repeat. The distance between this and Links Awakening is minimal when compared to the gaping chasm of depth and mood that separated Ocarina of Time

THE NEWS COCK “What’s going on? Mornings? Argh! I hate mornings. I am the News Cock, so open your eyes to my wise words. This week, the rich Sony corporation has dropped the price of the Playstation 2 to a more compact £200, in a desperate attempt to get people to buy their DVD player before Microsoft’s X-Box and Nintendo’s Gamecube hits the shelves. Some rumours have been circulating that you can actually play games on this PS2, so maybe I’m just a big butch chicken but I haven’t seen any decent games for it yet. But then I’m banned from HMV after I shat on a cardboard cut-out of Lee from Steps.”

“Microsoft have announced that since Ground Zero they have removed the geographical co-ordinates from Flight Simulator 2002, as well as the two World Trade Centre towers – well, they do like to keep up to date.”

“The after effects of the incident has meant that several games have been postponed- like Sega’s spin-em-up Propellor Arena and Konami’s forthcoming masterpiece Metal Gear Solid 2.”

“In the meantime, I’ve been using my beak to play anti Bin Laden games at www.huntandpunish.com using self-appointed ‘Leader of the Free World’George W Bush or the ‘hardest man in America’ Colin Powell to shoot down the Sadistic Maniac (To be played by Antonio Banderas in the film).”

R e s p ec t t h e C o c k !

Games Top 5 A s p a r t o f G ai r R h y d d ’ s 7 0 0 t h I s s u e , G a m e s is p r o u d t o p r e s en t o u r 7 0 0 fa v o u rit e g a m e s eve r ! ( E d’s n o t e- I m ig h t h a v e t o c u t t his d o w n) 2 . G old e n eye 9 . V ir t u a T e n nis 1 4 . B u s t -a- m o ve 2 3 2 2 . C h u c kie E g g 4 8 9 . R o c ke t K nig h t A d v e n t u r e s 5 7 3 . H ovver B ovver 6 9 9 . T o m b R ai d e r 7 0 0 . E r o t ic a Is la n d

S u p e r M a r io N a t i o n M A R I O K A R T: S U P E R C I R C U IT N in t e n d o ( G B A ) £ 3 4 . 9 9

O

NE OF the most anticipated releases for the Gameboy Advance has been this version of Mario Kart. Indeedany sign of new Mario Kart based activities makes us more excited than an incontinent dog in a lampost factory. But its alright now – not only is the game here, so is the cleaning lady, but that doesn't matter anymore. The SNES original was an absolute classic, and though its N64 incarnation was derided by its hardcore fans, it also became a classic thanks to its fantastic four player battle mode and stunning track design – in particular the unmatched traffic strewn Toad's Turnpike – a devilishly imaginative gamesplaying experience.

But has Nintendo cocked up? Has it run another franchise short? Does the transition to a handheld system impair the playability? Er, no. Of course not.

Let's not be silly. Put simply: Mario Kart is the most electronic fun you can have in your hands. From the moment you pick it up to the strain of your eyes and pain in your thumbs when you put it down at least several hours later it's an absolute delight. Choosing your favourite Mario character, you race around themed tracks, using speed boosts and power ups, vertical green shells, homing red shells, invincibility stars and the all-crushing-all-powerful lightning to

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impair your opponents, clearing the field to help you win.

Although Sony's Gran Turismo wets several neo-realistic appetites, for sheer gameplay alone MK is the master. Maybe it's because absolutely realistic driving wouldn't be that fun (think about it – speed limits, traffic jams, dodgy road surfaces). No-one has made a game like that and it would be about as much fun as a University enrolment simulator. Mario Kart's world of powerups and short cuts is constructed so well that every characters expression, every turn you take, every move you make, you'll be loving it.

The difficulty setting is nicely layered from easy 50cc through tougher 100 and 150cc settings. The usual time trial, single race and replay settings are all here, and work well but they're all secondary to the game. It's just pure fun, whether you're leaving the opposition trailing in your wake or you have to rely on the power-ups, the game environment is fantastic to play in. Its the best Gameboy game since Tetris.

What makes this essential even if you've got the N64 version is the four player battle mode in your own screen. You can play with just the one cartridge, although to play it fully you'll need three friends with the game as well, but I really don't know why you're still reading this.

Super Circuit is almost perfect, the best looking handheld game

ever, and it looks much better than the shaky pseudo-3D world of grainy pixels in Playstation games. Just buy it, and play it in your lectures. Fuck it – play it with your lecturer. It may not change the world (which is a shame) but it'll make you deliriously happy, and ridiculously entertained as well as any film, TV programme or (giggle) Union night ever will. Super-b.

Chris Faires www.andretti.com: Mario Andretti, US Motorsport legend and the fastest Mario ever to grace a race circuit. www.cf.ac.uk/suon/motorsport: Cardiff Uni’s own motorsport club jam packed with karting specialists. www.karting.co.uk: The UK’s biggest karting directory.

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filmreviews/feature

Not all it’s Desert cracked up to be ENIGMA Starring: Kate Winslet, Dougray Scott, Jeremy Northam, Saffron Burrows Dir: Michael Apted 15, 119 mins

I

magine, if you will, trying to divide a restaurant bill for £52.43 between seven and a half people. No mean feat. But now imagine trying to do it if the bill had been worked out by Cambridge University’s most senior wranglers, translated into High German and sent to your table via Morse Code. Even if you can get your head round that you’re nowhere near the standard of mental gymnastics going on in Enigma.

Based on Robert Harris’ novel of the same name – which, for a book with embossed type on the cover, is actually rather good – Enigma uses World War II’s Bletchley Park as a backdrop for a tale of love lost and found, international intrigue and enough covert activity to make your average secret agent look like one of the Chuckle Brothers.

Bletchley Park, for those of you who dropped history, was a centre for Allied intelligence – particularly breaking Nazi codes – and its activities were the most closely guarded part of the British war effort.

It’s inevitable then, that the fictional events superimposed on Bletchley concern themselves largely with the hunt for a traitor within the midsts of the codebreakers.

In addition, however, there’s the disappearance of a glamourous young clerk to solve and a convoy of ships in the midAtlantic to save before a pack of German UBoats attack.

Central to all these events is Tom Jericho (Dougray Scott), a troubled genius who not only has a very personal interest in the fate

of the missing Claire Romilly (Saffron Burrows) but is the only man capable of breaking a new Nazi code. Scott’s portrayal of a man wracked by doubt, guilt and personal demons is excellent and is the perfect foil for Jeremy Northam’s waspish Wigram – the man charged with finding the Bletchley spy.

As the dowdy Hester Wallace, Kate Winslet displays the sort of sturdy British pluck that apparently kept everyone smiling as the bombs rained down but her character, although vitally important, seems a little under-used.

It would have been nice to have learned a little more about the actual Enigma machine and its workings – something the book explains in great detail – but, for the sake of bringing the film in at under two hours, much of this has been abandoned in favour of amateur sleuthing

by Wallace and Jericho.

The highlights of the film are undoubtedly the codebreaking sequences – the tension is palpable as a group of eccentrics and academics try to break impossible ciphers to save the lives of countless seamen. The rest of the film falls a little flat compared to these scenes – maybe because all the time you know that this frantic code-cracking actually happened.

It’s not surprising that Enigma sometimes feels like a Merchant Ivory Bond film, director Michael Apted’s last project was the run-of-the-mill The World Is Not Enough and John Barry has provided the score. Tom Stoppard’s screenplay, however, captures the essence of the novel with a refreshing minimalism and, while neatly tying together the multiple strands of the story, is labyrinthine enough to keep you guessing.

Charlotte Martyn

Deaths Dir: Kinji Fukasaku 18, 120 mins

B

ILLED BY the media as a cross between Lord Of The Flies and The Running Man, Battle Royale is the story of a post millennium Japan, caught in a wave of unemployment and unrest, and with the mass student boycotting of school, the government institutes a law requiring a class of schoolchildren to be sent to a deserted island once a year to fight to the death.

For those people interested in a gorefest, there’s plenty of mindless killing with big sharp blades and submachine guns, and even some mindful killing, with some well-thought-out action scenes.

One nice touch is an onscreen tally of the body count that pops up every time someone dies. But beyond the gore is a deeper social commentary.

Along the same lines as Lord of The Flies, that anyone can become a savage if it suits them. It’s just that in this film everything has been speeded up and compressed to keep the attention of the MTV generation.

Although it does share many common points with William Golding’s GCSE English classic, one of the interesting and original aspects that this film investigates is the interplay between the sexes. As the number of classmates dwindles, the question of sexual equality is not really looked into, as the

Jim: Apple pie, huh?

Chris: Uh huh.

Jim: McDonald’s or homemade?

The Daily Telegraph are currently running a promotion whereby if you buy two copies of their paper and take along the mastheads from both to the Union Shop then you get two free tickets to an advanced preview of American Pie 2 this Wednesday. To celebrate this fact (and because we needed to fill some space) we have some classic quotes from a few teen comedies. JONATHAN STEVEN whacks out a fresh apple pie and finds a few funnies . . .

Jim's Dad: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of [hesitates] masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud. [pauses again] I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the oneeyed snake 5-6 times a day.

Meet the Parents

Jim: She’s gone! Oh my God, she used me. I was used. I was used! Cool!

Jack: Well, Greg, when you have a bunch of Fockers running around your house, you'll feel the need for security.

Jack: His parents gotta be decent people if they named their son Gaylord Focker.

Greg Focker: You can milk just about anything with nipples.

Jack: [Pause] I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?

Greg: The only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers, okay? If you can get it from my kung-fu

GRiP

Island

BATTLE ROYALE Starring: Tatsuya Fujiwara, Aki Maeda, Taro Yamamoto, Masanobu Ando

Winning Lines

Jack: I understand you may have had sexual relations with my daughter before, but under our roof, it’s my way or the Long Island Expressway!

So just keep your snake in its cage for 72 hours.

06

grip, then you can come and have it, okay?

Otherwise, step off, bitch.

American Pie Stifler: I say, why don't you guys locate your dicks, remove the shrink wrap, and fucking USE them!

Jim: You realize we're all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.

Victoria: I want it to be the right time, the right place...

Jessica: It’s not a space shuttle launch, it's SEX. Jim: Guys, uh, what exactly does third base feel like?

Kevin: You want to take this one?

Chris “Oz” Ostreicher: Like warm apple pie.

Jim: Yeah?

Chris: Yeah.

Stifler's Mom: I got some scotch.

Finch: Single malt?

Stifler's Mom: Aged eighteen years. The way I like it.

Michelle: And this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.

Jim: [Choking on his beer] Excuse me?

Michelle: What, you don't think I know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is... sex-ed! So, are we gonna screw soon? 'Cause I'm getting kinda antsy.

Michelle: What's my name? SAY MY NAME, BITCH!

Road Trip Rubin: This is kind of an unusual request, but do you have any marijuana I might be able to buy from you? You see, our car exploded

two sexes keep mostly separate. The ways in which they go about deciding who they can and cannot trust is well observed, and is one of the more insightful elements of the film.

Due to the large ensemble cast (at the start there are 41 children in the class) and unfamiliar names, the film is at times difficult to follow.

Although the use of subtitles is, in my opinion, always superior to the use of dubbing in serious films (the two versions of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon being an example of this) the translation is at times a little stilted, and this does mean that you often miss some of the more subtle imagery whilst concentrating on reading the dialogue.

As the film reaches its climax, the film becomes more chilling with each passing minute, as the number of combatants dwindles. The end of the film, in giving the inevitable moral to the story, does leave a little to be desired, and it almost feels as if the film is one scene too long.

Although the violence is at times harrowing, and the subtitling makes it important to give it your full attention, overall this film offers an enjoyable afternoon’s viewing. It is an interesting and sometimes disturbing look into the perceived ills of Japanese society that also works well as an ultra-violent action film. Dave Pothecary

yesterday and I'm almost out of my own.

Motel Clerk: [short pause] I'm not a drug dealer.

No, I'm not. Thank you for asking.

Rubin: OK. Motel Clerk: Anything else? Perhaps you'd like an 11-year-old prostitute delivered to your room? We CAN do that. Or maybe you'd like us to off someone for you. Or why don't we just start simple? Would you like a fresh towel?

Maybe you can roll that up and smoke it. Oh hey, Cheech! That credit card you guys gave me last night was maxed out so don't go spending all your cash on needles and guns.

Dog: Hey Jack, have that bitch make me some blueberry pancakes...right now!

Rubin: A short cut is supposed to be hard otherwise it would be called the way.

Kyle: It's not cheating if you rub peanut butter on your testicles and let your dog lick it off.

E.L.: We're in college now; the opportunity to drink alcohol, do drugs, and take advantage of young girls is getting smaller and smaller by the day.

Barry: Have you come for the feeding? You’re early. You should come tomorrow, its going to be a blood bath… Unleash the furry Mitch, UNLEASH THE FURRY. Rubin: You realise this is a national black fraternity? They know you’re lying.

08.10.01

filmreview/profile 07 ACTOR PROFILE: ED NORTON

Scores O Well THE SCORE Starring: Ed Norton, Robert De Niro, Marlin Brando Dir: Frank Oz 12, 123 mins

‘JUST ONE more time’, is the phrase that professional safe breaker and Jazz Club owner Nick (Robert De Niro) just can’t stop saying. There is always that big fish waiting around the corner, taunting Nick into his alter-ego, the safe breaker.

You see, Nick leads a truly double life. One day he is a meticulous and super smooth owner of a successful Jazz Club, the next he is flying half-way across the world to crack open a safe and steal priceless jewels. He is the best of the best, no safe is safe, no uncrackable code uncrackable.

But Nick is happy with the Jazz Club and the love of his life has given him the ultimatum, "It’s either me or the safe breaker".

However, he is approached by an old friend, Max (Marlon Brando), who throws the biggest bone of his career his way.

He is to team up with Jack (Ed Norton), a security systems expert, and between them they must break into the Customs House and steal a priceless French artefact.

The ensuing story is a tale of mistrust, and disrespect between Norton and De Niro. With Norton being forced on De Niro, he hates the fact that he has to work with a partner.

The two lead actors really work together well as an anti-team, with the younger actor easily keeping up with the more experienced De Niro.

Norton plays the slightly down-trodden, unwanted sidekick with a real enthusiasm that forces him into the limelight and makes him the character that you are rooting for.

The film does move really fast, but keeping up with the action is not a problem at all. In fact it is the quick pace that keeps you on the edge of your seats, on a roller-coaster ride of twists and turns.

Marlon Brando provides a few moments of comic relief in his collection of brief, but key scenes. It is nice to have a few lighter scenes that leave you to take a breath after some of the longer action sequences.

The Score is well worth a look, it has some great acting from three respected and talented actors, a plot that whilst slightly predictable, did keep you interested and some good action sequences and thrilling will-he-or-won’t-he chases. The Score gets a high score from me (very poor pun – sorry).

Jonathan Steven

N 18TH August 1969, Edward James Norton Jr was born to attorney Edward James Norton Sr and teacher Robin Norton. Norton is the eldest of three children.

It seems that it is fate that brought Norton onto our screens. His parents hired a young babysitter for him when he was just five years old, who was an avid actress. Betsy True took him to see the play If I Were A Princess when he was six years old. Norton remembers this vividly, ‘Acting? It's a long-standing compulsion I've had since I was about five or six years old. I can literally identify the moment it struck me. I went to see a play in which a babysitter of mine was performing. I was completely shell-shocked by the magic of this little community-theatre play; it just riveted me.’So he caught the bug at an early age.

Norton attended Yale University where he majored in History. However, acting was his passion and he took many courses in drama whilst at Yale. But his day had not yet come and he decided it was best to work for his grandfathers company in Osaka, Japan. Speaking fluent Japanese, he found the desk work boring and longed to return to the stage.

It was time to return to New York and try to break into the industry from the bottom. Working as a waiter, proofreader

and a directors assistant, he finally caught the eye of playwright and director Edward Albee and started to appear on stage.

Norton’s big break was literally just around the corner. It was thanks to Leonardo DiCaprio walking away from Primal Fear in 1996 that Norton eventually picked up the role opposite Richard Gere after Norton won the role over 2000 other young actors.

He walked away from his first big role with a Golden Globe for Best Actor in a Supporting Role and an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor.

Hot on the heels of this success were The People vs. Larry Flynt in which Norton played Alan Isaacman and Everyone Says I Love You in which he played Holden.In 1998 Matt Damon costared alongside Norton in Rounders. It is said that the two got on so well that they persuaded Miramax to pay the $10,000 entrance fee to the Las Vegas World Series of Poker in May 1998. ‘Life, like poker has an element of risk. It shouldn’t be avoided. It should be faced.’

But this vice is the only one that Norton allows. An avid nonsmoker he threatened to walk away from Rounders if his

character, Worm was to be a smoker. ‘I don't smoke and I don't want to smoke, it’s that simple. I am not a fan of gratuitous smoking in films.’

Later that year Norton gained 30 pounds of muscle and gave himself a skinhead for his role in American History X as a violent white supremacist. The role would earn him an Oscar nomination for Best Actor.

But again, he was passed over fo the award and went on to star in Fight Club the following year, which also went unrecognised by the Academy. Playing opposite Brad Pitt, he was critically acclaimed for his role in a film that didn’t do as well at the box office as it should have done. Maybe it was a marketing campaign that made Fight Club out to be a film all about street boxing, when in reality it was a much more complex and clever film, delving deep into one mans mind. As a result those who went to see a street boxing movie left the cinema disappointed and those who would have appreciated it were kept away.

Norton brings his amazing talent to The Score in which he works well with Robert De Niro. Norton is signed up for the lead role of FBI Agent Will Graham alongside Anthony Hopkins in The Silence Of The Lambs prequel Red Dragon which is currently in post production. His is also currently working on a Comedy called Death to Smoochy, directed by Danny DeVito. We needn’t worry about Norton losing it as he becomes more famous, that is his worst nightmare. ‘Fame is very corrosive, you have guard very strictly against it’, he says, ‘I’ve never felt any particular encroachment of the celebrity stuff into my life. He goes on, If I ever have to stop taking the subway [due to my fame], I’m gonna have a heart attack’.

It seems that Ed Norton is in he prime and we can expect many more classic performances in the years to come. Maybe one day the Oscar committee will actually realize the skills of this great actor of our time. Jonathan Steven

WIN WIN WIN WIN The Runners Up (who also win 2 cinema tickets):

After the incident Roy’s glass tongue went down well with the guys at the Jimmy Hill look-alike convention. Oli Downes, 3rd Yr Business & Finance Interviewer: ‘How does it feel to have a pint glass in your mouth?’ Interviewee: ‘Um, mmmm, unmm, lumn,

ummmmmmm’. Sophie Philips, 3rd Yr Philosophy The pint glass in Jim’s mouth didn’t hurt half as much as the one up his arse. Alan P. Tridge, 1st Yr Tree Surgery The new pint-sized ‘blow-job cocktail’just didn’t work out.

Tom Holve, 2nd Yr Gas Studies

This weeks competition ...

Oli completely misunderstood the rules to his first ‘downing competition’ - Hannah Perry (3rd Yr Law ) Well, what a great caption huh! Hannah Perry is now the proud owner of a pair of cinema tickets for the new UGC cinema. She could frame them and treasure them always.

Or maybe she could just go to the cinema with her boyfriend or one of her secret lovers . . .

GRiP

To win one of five pairs of cinema tickets to see any film at the UGC Cinema, just answer the question below and send us an e-mail with “Film Competition 700” in the subject line to: grfilmdesk@hotmail.com by next Wednesday.

What is the first name of the character that Ed Norton plays in The Score? (Hint: The answer is in the review above) (a) Max (b) Jack (C) Nick

Weekly Film Competition

gairrhydd in association with

08.10.01

a r t s r e vie w s

08

N ig h t - t i m e N a u g h t in e s s IL L M E T B Y M O O N LI G H T T he S he r m an T hea t re

I

SUPPOSE I could be forgiven for being a little suspicious of Ill Met by Moonlight, a production by Hijinx theatre company. This group of actors and producers specialise in the kind of community theatre that is fast disappearing, if only because these days people are a little sceptical of the whole ‘community theatre’ package. It smacks of earnest and well-meaning actors attempting to ‘engage’with their audience on a very real level and in a rather more intimate setting than usual. We’re far less likely to go and see a play put on in the round in say, a village hall, than one produced in the vastness of a huge theatre catering to an audience of

Japan 2 0 0 1 AN INNOVATIVE and ground-breaking underground Japanese theatre company is coming to Cardiff as part of the nation wide Japan 2001 festival. Gekidan Kaitaisha ‘s show Bye Bye: The New Primitive does exactly that – pushes back the boundaries of art as we know it, and gives live dance and drama a whole new outlook.

They have been performing radical and compelling theatre since 1985 on a large scale, and these shows look to follow the tradition. Get down to Chapter in Canton then on Wednesday and Thursday next week (10 and 11 October) and a free bus will take you to Barry Memorial Hall for the night lit shows. On Wednesday a free after show talk will give you the opportunity to chat to the stars and the director.

Box office line: 029 2030 4400 or check out the website www.chapter.org.

Following this, beginning on Friday 19 October, Chapter presents the internationally renowned Japanese artist Tabaimo and her exhibition The Japanese Boathouse. In a range of artistic mediums, including computer and sound animation, she looks at the complexities of Japan’s past and their relation with the present day. You can pop into the studio from Tuesday to Sunday every week from 12-5pm and from 6pm-9pm.

Admission is free.

Have you ever been to Japan? Speak a bit of the lingo? Arts would love to hear from anyone who would like to do a feature on the Japan 2001 shows in Cardiff, based on these shows combined with their own experiences.

Come up to the gair r h y d d offices on the 4th floor of the SU and look for Lizzie or LaDonna.

G RiP

hundreds, even thousands. We’re certainly more anonymous and secure in the latter, as if plush surroundings are somehow a certified indication of the quality of the acting.

But maybe I’ve got it all wrong. Hijinx seemed to be doing a fine job of pulling in the crowds and the high turn-out to Ill Met by Moonlight was evidence that word had got round; this was a play worth seeing.

Over the years they’ve performed in schools, hospitals, prisons, ‘changeling’ prisoner (Nia Davies). The tale churches, pubs, barns and forest clearings, so encompasses the rich tradition of countryside the Sherman Theatre seems a bit tame in comfolklore and superstition, creating a twilight parison. Nonetheless, a large number of the world where fairies have supernatural powers audience were schoolchildren (as well as a and an unnerving amount of contact with pleasing quota of grannies); there was a definite humans. This overlapping of worlds was porbuzz in the air as we waited for the performance trayed with ingenuity and a fair measure of to begin. energetic slap-stick.

And what a performance it was. The four As a result the script had plenty of scope for actors on stage brought to life a simple tale of humour and the actors proved themselves to be rural life and love that has the capacity to warm accomplished comedians in the appropriate the cockles of the most cynical of hearts. The places. Their talent for mime was some of the elegant writing of Charles Way was a treat in best I’ve seen and with some spectacular jazz itself, confirming that the S p e c t a c ula r ja zz d r u m m in g a n d most age-old subjects are often the best and h a u n t i n g e n s e m b le f o l k s o n g s that all it takes is someh el d t h e a u d ie n c e s p ell b o u n d one a bit quirksome to deliver something that hasn’t been seen before. drumming by Dyrig Morris and haunting ensemHis story revolved around a most unlikely ble folk songs that had the audience spellbound, union of an awkward, emotionally backward the company effortlessly conveyed their dramatfarmer (played by Rhodri Hugh) with his shy, ic versatility. It was an uplifting experience to defensive and recently widowed neighbour (Cler say the least and one that gave me renewed Stevens). One night he asks for her hand in faith in the power of good writing and the theatre marriage, to her utter surprise and indignation. companies who work to hard to illuminate it.

The unravelling of their relationship is presided Charles Way and Hijinx make a fine pairing. over by a wayward fairy (Dyfrig Morris) and his LaDonna Hall

A c t O n e In f o CONGRATS TO all you brave people who dragged yourselves down to the Trevithick, to be subjected to unrelenting torture in the form of porno improvisation (really not as bad as it sounds), banana advertisements (you had to be there) and various other am dram antics that put a smile on our faces.

For those of you that have no idea what on earth I’m talking about, it is in fact the annual Act One auditions. As usual the standards were exceptionally high so please don’t feel too bad if you don’t get a part. There are still plenty of other opportunities to get involved.

But before the dreaded cast list goes up and rehearsals begin we thought it was high time for a party (any excuse!):

THE POST AUDITIONS PARTY MONDAY 8 OCTOBER This is to be held in bar Is It? at 7.30pm (just off St Mary’s Street). Please be prompt. It is free for all members.

CAST LIST UP TUESDAY 9 OCTOBER This goes up on the societies board on the third floor of the union. Check carefully for the date of your first rehearsal.

FILM MEETING TUESDAY 9 OCTOBER For those of you interested in any aspect of film, whether it be on the technical side, producing, directing or even if you’re working on a script, please come along at 6.00 to the TV lounge on the 3rd floor of the union.

PRODUCTION’S MEETING THURSDAY 11 OCTOBER This is a great opportunity for anybody interested in everything other than acting. We need backstage crew, front of house, publicity, lighting, sound, make-up – the list is endless.

Please come along at 6pm to the SDU on the third floor of the union. The production list goes up the following day.

Watch this space for more Act One news.

THE B A RBER O F S E V IL L E N ew T hea t r e

heels in love with the beautiful Rosina.

However there is one problem; her possessive guardian is also infatuated with Rosina.

HENEVER ANYONE With the help of Figaro mentions the word his Barber, (hence the opera three things nortitle of the opera) they mally spring to mind; incomprehenembark upon a series sible singing, fat women (sorry to be of madcap schemes in crude) and a foreign language that order for the count to you can never understand. capture the heart of the However, if The Barber of Seville is one he loves. your first trip to the opera then you As soon as the curwill be pleasantly surprised. Gianni tain rose in this producRossini’s opera is filled with comical tion the audience had wit, a delightful story and, of course, difficulty suppressing glorious music. The Barber of their laughter, thanks Seville was first performed in Rome not only to the genius in 1816 and was based on a play by of Rossini himself, but Beaumarchais. It tells the story of also to the performance Almaviva, Figoaro and Rosina compare tonsils Count Almaviva who falls head over of the men and women of the Welsh ly performed. It seemed as though complemented the setting wonderNational Opera. Their it came as naturally to her as fully adding that extra shine to an expressive faces communibreathing. already sparkling performance. cated a wealth of information, The setting used was simplistic The orchestra, led by Antony as did the beautifully sung yet effective. Due to the compact Walker, performed flawlessly words. Each of the men and nature of the stage design no set throughout, creating moments of women who took a main role changes were necessary. One drama, comedy and general merriwas allowed to prove their tal- scene that proved a particular sucment. ent in a show case of songs. cess was the storm scene. In order Gianni Rossini’s opera proved to Each of them completely jus to create the windy effect a wind-up be an extraordinary chance to expetified their parts and T h e q u ai n t ly d e s i g n e d c o s t u m e s sang confidently to Rossini’s magnific o m p le m e n t e d t h e s e t t i n g w o n d e r cent compositions. f u lly , a d d i n g t h a t e x t r a s h i n e t o a n Perhaps one of the most memorable al r e a d y s p a r kli n g p e r f o r m a n c e . was the Largo al Factotum, performed by Mel machine was employed with the rience something sensational. A Urich as the highly charismathelp of some manpower and a picdelightfully entertaining comedy, The ic Figaro. In particular, Paula ture in front. The whole idea Barber of Seville was outstanding in Rasmussen as Rosina seemed so absurd that the audience its display of musical talent. charmed the audience with was in stitches.

Angela Singh and Vendana Bartolo and Basilio in scheming mode her powerful vocals effortlessThe quaintly designed costumes Chatlani

W

0 8.1 0.0 1

m u s i c alb u m s

09

LA M B W hat S ound

coherent album with, Scratch Bass aside, a perfect blend of distorted beats and atmospheric orchestration uniting

(Mercury)

all the tracks. Lamb have said that making this album was far less tortured than their last one – let’s hope they enjoyed it enough to want to make a fourth.

Charlotte Martyn

IF SECOND albums are notoriously difficult, third albums must be a bundle of laughs. The pressure of following up a debut is off and if you’re onto your third album then, well, that’s got to be better than calling it a day after two, hasn’t it?

After the troubled Fast Fours, Lamb return with third LP What Sound and, while it would be churlish to call it ‘a bundle of laughs’ there are decidedly upbeat moments here from a band renowned for their miserablist tendencies.

The bouncy, melodic funk of Sweet jumps along like the best acid-jazz while Scratch Bass is exactly what it says on the sleeve – thumping bass with a heady mix of scratches over the top. There’s plenty of dubby trip-hop here as well; I Cry is laidback yet slightly sinister, Sweetheart and One even more so.

But Lamb are undoubtedly at their best when they’re in melancholic mood. Louise Rhodes’ breathy, haunting vocals are at the same time intimate and commanding, particularly against the sweeping strings of Gabriel and What Sound – both of which recapture elements of Goreki, the track that has become the band’s calling card.

Despite the changing moods of What Sound it’s an impressively

L A M B : h e’ s n o t t h e m e s s ia h , h e’ s a v e r y n a u g h t y b o y

A LI C E C O O P E R D ragon Town

(Eagle)

F le e c e P le a s e M e

M O S O LI D G O L D B rand N ew Te s t a m e n t (E MI) YOUR FIRST instinct as you put this CD on is to wonder if Mo Solid Gold really can be as bad as their name suggests. Incredibly it’s... yes, almost.

Mo Solid Gold apparently pride themselves on being ‘new wave soul’, but all I could hear was a second-rate indie band doing bad James Brown impressions.

First track Solid Gold, with its nagging guitar hook, gets your foot tapping but you soon tire of the repetitive posturing of singer K. Mo Trilogy indicates a certain level of maturity at least. They’ve taken some time over the arrangement, and it pays off. But don’t get your hopes up – elsewhere we have the truly silly Miss America (In Space), which might be trying to be a ballad, but just ends up laughable, and to follow it up we have a cover of Massive Attack’s

Safe From Harm, which, despite being musical heresy of the highest order (where the hell did the guitar solo come from?!), is still the best thing on the album.

Past single Personal Saviour is quite catchy, but still ultimately dispensable; indeed, a far better track is Come Together, where MSG’s gospel shtick works quite well for a change. However it’s followed by the risible Motorway, which wanders along aimlessly for five minutes and is nothing but dull. And after that you lose all patience with MSG’s fauxsoul wailings, with nothing left to convince you otherwise.

Mark Cobley

P DID D Y & TH E B A D B O Y F A M IL Y The S aga C o n t in u e s…

(Arista) NEW NAME, new album, same old shit. The artist formerly known as Puff

JT M O U S E S und renched To r s o/ S u pe r m an (Boobyt rap) BOOBYTRAP HAVE managed again to weed out the prevailing talent of the Welsh music ‘scene’ to bring another gem to their Singles Club collective. This time courtesy of JT Mouse, rather less a ‘Welsh’ experience and ever more an eclectic trip of Americano and country babble.

Fronted by a singer with low-key gruffness, extra value is found in the diversity of the double a-sides. Sun Drenched Torso opens with sampled bravado to melt into a hypnotic groove of balanced rolling nicety.

Superman steps up a gear with a more concentrated edge, and JT Mouse begin to play the pop game.

Not executed with the same vigour as live, nevertheless a subtle delight.

Gemma Curtis

ROOTS M ANUVA D r ea m y D ays (Big Dada) TAKEN FROM the fantastic second album Run Come Save Me, Dreamy Days is one of Manuva’s best and most chilled songs to date.

What’s refreshing about this track is the idea of actually being nice to women before bedding them, surely

G RiP

There are no surprises – except perhaps Nothing’s Gonna Stop Me Now, a lament on the torments of being immensely rich and famous. It’s surprising that even a man with an ego as inflated as Diddy’s believes this track should be inflicted on the public.

P. Diddy and his family “ain’t going nowhere,” as he takes great pains to tell us on Bad Boy For Life. But it’s only a matter of time before the weight of his pseudo gangsta ego crushes him to messy pulp. And I’ll be the one laughing manically when it does. Amy ‘A Butty’Butterworth.

Daddy, now claiming the sniggerinducing moniker of P Diddy (oooh, I’m scared), returns with his gaggle of sycophantic bad boys to tell us all about his love of money, bitches and blunts and make sure we realize he’s ‘down wid da ghetto.’Still, at least he seems to have got over his obsession with bloated rapper Notorious BIG. This time, it’s Jennifer Lopez’s turn to be treated to a limp, insincere tribute a la Puffy in the tacky I Need a Girl (To Bella).

P Diddy has a massively inflated view of his own talent, but the best tracks here are the ones that he has the least to do with. The dark and menacing Child Of The Ghetto, performed by G Dep and ostensibly untouched by the hand of Puff shows more originality and passion than much of the rest of the album. So Complete is a smooth, yearning r’n’b groove given the kiss of life by the sassy Cheri Dennis and is the high point of the whole soulless, testosterone-fuelled exercise.

a step forward in hip-hop land. Of course there are also the usual Roots drug references and with lyrics like, ‘Here is my money, these are my drugs and this is my brain’, this a great tune to have a smoke and a beer to.

The b-sides are disappointing, MJ Cole has produced a rather lacklustre track which, considering Roots vocal style, could have been much better, while the Super Furry Animals remix fares even worse.

Altogether the single is a great summer tune that unfortunately got released in autumn.

Brendan Rainford

M ARK B AND BLA DE T h e r e’ s N o S t o p pin’ It E P (Wordplay) THE TROUBLE with British hip-hop is that compared to their US counterparts it has a tendency to sound a bit wussy. Dre rhymes “Life ain’t nuthin’ but bitches and money’, while Mark B and Blade give us “You rhyme like you’re constipated. ’ But hey, we can’t all be tough guys and British hip-hop is a far fresher genre than America’s stale ganstarap.

Here, DJ Mark B and MC Blade spin a funky twist on 80’s old skool beats creating a very modern hip-

hop sound that will appeal to lovers of Jurassic 5 and A Tribe Called Quest. If there is one weak point it’s the naffly titled Sealed With A Diss, an ill-thought out rant at the critics (yawn). Whereas Eminem’s The Way I Am was the angst-ridden rhetoric of a critically mauled superstar, this has all the force of a muffled fart. Such minor gripes aside, sterling work from one of the UK’s finest hip-hop acts.

Steve Hurst

SUPER FURRY A NIM A L S R in g s A r o u n d t h e W o rld (Placid Casual) GRUFF AND the boys’ latest Bohemian Rhapsody title track opens like an off-beat, drum dictated ‘come on clap your hands’ performance recalling The Teacher with the sleazy distortion of The Man Don’t Give a Fuck. It gets better with its Beach Boys melodical non-sensicality held together by that stolen Steely Dan riff that makes every one of their singles so fucking good. And just as the lurid darkness of the synth is turning into a remix of Muse’s Muscle Museum, you’re left with a hint of Fat-boy Slim writing the music for a BT advert.

Rings Around The World emulates the effortless beauty that is

THE SLEEVE of Dragon Town makes you smile. It would appear that Alice Cooper cannot help but adopt a placid look of pain in photos. Despite cynicism of Cooper’s latest release and dodgy Goth façade (an image of this pre-supposed ‘Rock God’ playing golf with former US Presidents springs to mind), this is actually rather good. It would also be a good idea if he used the weapons he adorns throughout the photography to massacre the likes of Papa Roach and Blink 182.

This immediately strikes as being a well laid-out compilation of Alice Cooper’s goth-rock style, based on the artist’s own experiences and views of society.

Tracks such as Sex, Death and Money and Somewhere In The Jungle are examples of intelligent use of voiceovers and guitar solos.

However, the real highlight of this album is Sister Sara with its incredible energy and complementary female backing vocals. This alone makes up for the hateful Disgraceland which sounds like a Primus/Elvis crossover. This and It’s Much Too Late are the only weaknesses here, however.

Dragon Town is surprising; dark and emotional, it represents Alice Cooper’s unique musical presence. It is reassuring that acts such as this still release material that

Wherever I Lay My Phone That’s My Home. And if you didn’t see that performed at the CIA last year, then you missed the Wombles having a love-in with cast of Happy Days. Go buy a ticket because you need to be there, with a smile on your face, and a precariously large joint in your hand. No Magic Roundabout needed. Didn’t like that fucking snail anyway. Because they are the epitome of all that is good about pop-rock.

Lee Davies

PULP T he T ree s/ S u n ris e (I s l a n d ) THE FIRST release for two years from Sheffield’s major export, fits snugly into the insular indie void

overshadows the shit that so many nu-metal groups are producing. Of course, Cooper’s arrogance is still present here. After all, he does Just Wanna Be God... Rich Moore

F U G A ZI The A r gu men t

(Dischord)

AND YOU will know them by the trail of their imitators… In the many years that Fugazi have been playing their trade they’ve probably influenced more bands with their music and work ethics than the combined efforts of most British rock acts from the last two decades. Lest we forget that this is the band that At The Drive-In grew up on…

Obviously evolving their songwriting considerably over the last five years, the band have moved on a fair distance from their early days of screaming noise. Singer Ian MacKaye hardly even raises his voice to the levels we’re used to, apart from Epic Problem which proudly sees the band showing everyone else how loud, fast, impassioned and angry should sound. Whatever may have changed in their writing style this album is still unmistakably Fugazi, with its lowdown basslines, dirty menace and squalling guitar melodies.

Like the Pixies before them, Fugazi have discovered that all the best rock songs have a pop tint to them. It’s these touches (the hand-claps and harmonies on Life And Limb, the backing “oooh”s on full disclosure and the whistling on The Kill) that give the songs their killer edge. Combine this with the ever more inventive guitar work and intelligent lyrics and you can see why Fugazi are miles away from the competition.

The mixture of styles and lack of noise may put off some hardcore fans, but Fugazi have left those days behind and delivered a mature and diverse album which is accessible, but never compromises.

So have Fugazi produced the goods yet again? Hell yeah, and then some – no argument.

Andy Parsons

they left behind. The star quality and somewhat geek-to-god coolness that previously shoved Jarvis into the limelight, continues to shine.

However, the truly handbag flaunting tunes that gained the majority vote – the Common People and Disco 2000’s-are a world away.

For this era, the music is timeless; less immediate but less irritating repetitive.

First of the double A-side Trees, is a sweeping musical arrangement of strings and harmony. When the melodic hauntings of Sunrise echoes and converges into a climax of noise, certain things become obvious. The old timers of pop are back to save the musically jaded.

Gemma Curtis P U L P : H el p t h e a g e d

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10 PRESTO N S CHOOL OF IN D U S T R Y B a r fly TONIGHT HAS a lot to live up to. After all Preston’s main man Spiral Stairs has the heavy baggage of previous endeavours around his neck. But whereas lesser souls would find being an ex- Pavement member undoubtedly a noose, the song-based delight of his own new material dismisses any such stranglehold. Because despite having lost some enthusiasm for the music industry after old band gripes and infighting, he has returned with the panache of one never to have been touched by the hand of such nastiness. Now on the road with old friends and acquaintances, the charisma and pleasure for playing live has returned with a vengeance.

And such ultimate delight is clear for all to see.

Charming the remarkably quiet if receptive crowd, they lap up the rolling pop-crossed-with country ballads. The splendid Solitaire, which sees a bass line of massively catchy proportions and new release Falling Away, both have the hook and pull of superstar singles, and are received as such. The ending blitz of the latter, sees the band turn and play off each other for a greater build of sound.

Encyclopedic Knowledge of is quite the other side of the coin. Here we see the melancholy in lashes, remarkably with all the markings of a Pavement track, and bizarrely not a million miles

PRESTON SCHOOL OF INDUSTRY: ‘Spiral Stairs’ scares us with fillings...

T H E M U SIC + S U P E R S T RIN G B a r fly THE MUSIC: new indie noiseniks and the latest darlings of the NME, complete with Tim Burgess haircuts and Bench T-shirts. But are they any good? Your intrepid reporter ventured forth to Barfly, through wind and rain and disappearing guestlist places, to find out.

But gracing the stage first, we had Superstring to contend with. You could tell from the start Superstring were all about rhythm: centre-stage was given to the bassist, who was surrounded by a veritable forest of keyboards and other electronica, while an almost superfluous drummer banged away behind.

They soon got the audience jumping with their Happy Mondays-esque dance-indie, but if you’re looking for tortured vocals and a captivating frontman, look elsewhere. Full credit to them, however, for sampling Dylan Thomas.

You don’t see that every day (without buying substandard Manics albums.)

The Music took to the stage with a full-frontal noise assault called The Dance. One word summed up their performance: Loud. The singer wailed eerily above a sea of churning guitars, and he knew how to dance too. Before long the crowd were joining him. Life and Take the Long Road and Walk It were irresistible rockers, and some of the guitar-work would have made the early Smashing Pumpkins proud. However, The Music don’t need thumping basslines to make you move, indeed we had to wait until Disco, almost at the end, for a really fat riff. A small group of dedicated dancers at the front were already jiving like mentalists by the time the humorously-titled You Might As Well Try To Fuck Me came in, now there’s a Top Of The Pops performance I want to see. Elsewhere, Human proved that The Music can be sensitive when they want to be, and that their frontman has a very versatile voice.

The Music, then, are one band that might just be worth the hype. My advice is, go see them now before the backlash starts next week.

Mark Cobley.

E C H O B E L LY C l w b If o r B a c h YES, YOU read right, Echobelly, they were all set to be the next big thing at the height of the britpop revolution some five years ago. And no, they’re not so muck ‘back’ in a Right Said Fred stylee, as ‘still here’. Since their heady days of Evening Session stardom, the ‘belly have been

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away from Stephen Malkmus solo work as well. But it is the curious lull of Whalebones which is understandably one of the marked highlights. The twang of guitar and reflective edge, silences those unimaginative punters balling for old Pavement numbers. With tracks from debut album All This Sounds Gas, translating live so well, at last recognition of ‘The Stairs’ new qualities are realised.

Quirky doodlings,heapings of imagination and diversity within their own specific genre, Pavement were kings. But Preston School Of Industry have nothing to worry about. With music like this they are less skulking in the pioneers shadows, and rather more daringly skipping headfirst into the sun.

PSOI: Rockin’...

all t h i s s o u n d s cl a s s . . .

busily, albeit quiety, working away, churning out a couple of albums, which have gone fairly unnoticed, along the way.

Taking to the stage of Clwb Ifor Bach, though, as pint-sized pixie-girl Sonya Aurora Madan steps up to the mic the crowd’s reaction is far from quiet. One of those women who every indie-boy wants to sleep with and every indie-girl wants to be, and, er, sleep with, Echobelly’s frontwoman draws the audience in with her viscous Bjork-like vocals and down-toearth banter, as she fights off an onslaught of middle-aged men’s pulling lines with embarrassed giggles and quirky comebacks.

Keeping the kids of ’96 waiting for their kicks, the band play a string of tracks from latest album People Are Expensive, showcasing a darker and more richly layered side of the band than can be found in earlier offerings. The brilliant Digit, which forges a dirty bassline with droning harmonic vocals contrasting with the spine-chilling Dying, which precariously juxtaposes a heartbreakingly icy melody with mesmerising tribal drums, allowing Sonya’s heart-warming vocals to spill-over reassuringly.

Of course there’s an encore. Of course they play King of the Kerb and Great Things. Of course everyone goes goddam pogo-crazy. And of course the night ends with the stunningly poignant Dark Therapy. What did you expect?

No surprises there then, but perhaps the real surprise will be that the best is yet to come.

Maria Lane.

ALABA M A 3 + ZERO TOLER A N C E C l w b If o r B a c h BEING FASHIONABLY late can be a dangerous practice, especially when, during the course of the summer break, certain clwbs fiddle with door times, catching the student massive unaware and resulting in awkward gaps in this review. As it was, I’m sure Zero Tolerance were the perfect warm up band, leaving the middle aged crowd of ex-Stones roadies well lubricated and well up for the ensuing performance of the Love family.

However, it was Alabama3 they came for, and Alabama3 they got.

Looking like a fashion cross of Bono, the Strokes and John Wayne, this country/blues/acid house band immediately radiate the kind of cool and respect you would expect from a band

M A N C H E S TE R – IN TH E C IT Y THE ANNUAL In The City event this year was celebrating its tenth anniversary. That’ll be a decade of live music, conferences and general muso piss ups then. Well yes that’s true, but to all intensive purposes the main objective is to ultimately get unsigned bands, um, signed. A frantic four days of such hopefuls playing venues around the city centre and beyond, sees A&R men and the like brandishing their chequebooks. It is here they attempt to find- wait for it- the next big thing. But regardless of the cliches, despite the cynicism and acknowledgement of certain whorish music industry elements, the event can only be a good thing.

This was especially the case with seven Welsh bands crossing the border to take their T & T C : H a v i n g i t l a r g e i n music to the masses, including the likes of M anches ter the Fantastic Super Foofs and Midusano, For unusually seemed a little out of sorts. On the many of them, a fresh audience and a different other hand, Squeezebox’s mainstream venue outside their hometown/adopted leanings perhaps made them more of a hometown made all the difference. Especially contender for some definite record company benefiting from the change of scene was interest. But a lacklustre performance meant current buzzin’ favourites Tommy and the that those taking the safer option were left Chauffeur. The frontmen exuded confidence, looking dull. Cubare who had a technical which with the amount of interest shown, was nightmare to compete against, were left with a more than understandable. Also faring well somewhat sporadic set and looking unsatisfied. was folky strummer Teflon Monkey, whose In Manchester the boys did good. Now its a songs about insecurities and emotional caes of waiting to see if the record companies rawness, were typically splendid Skewed noisemeisters Zabrinski, touched by the hand of come up with the goods..... Gemma Curtis deals start rolling on in... a typically Super Furry Animal’s eclectic appeal,

with such a committed, if small, hardcore following. Kicking off with favourites such as I Went Ten Rounds With The Devil and their only real hit to date, Woke Up This Morning (aka the theme to The Sopranos), the gig promised more than it eventually delivered.

Although the songs were performed with technical excellence, and, more importantly, with a degree of belief, the country stylings led to an almost inevitable sense of similarity between tracks (although, in fairness this was probably due to myself not being a connoisseur of the country and blues arts). In the end this, combined with the American, bible-belt, evangelistic lyrics, make for a band who are probably more fun to watch than to listen to. Simon Crockford.

ALABAMA3: or is it Bono?

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Super Fur ry Animals, eh? Not content with being dead good at songs and that, they’re also a bit tasty with whatever it is you need to make an awesome DVD. And they’re coming to Cardiff on Friday. Charlotte M artyn caught up with frontman Gruff Rhys to discuss life, music and the dangers of carpeted venues.

“

WE MADE a big mistake taking the High Llamas to North Wales to play with us. They got confronted by all these people shouting, waiting for us to come out – all these eight year olds in shell suits giving them hard stares.

Other bands have played with us and had carpet thrown at them because the crowd were waiting for us. That’s the good thing about the CIA – there’s no carpet.”

Gruff Rhys is describing, in an alarmingly offhand manner, some of the perils of life on the road with Super Furry Animals. I catch up with Gruff days before he heads off to Southampton to rehearse for the first gig of the band’s 14-date Rings Around The World UK tour which ends this Friday at the CIAwhen local Furry fans will get to experience the full force of the band ‘in surround’. Only when I ask Gruff exactly what a ‘surround’show entails, he’s a bit vague:

with surround sound and specially commissioned films to accompany each track.

Gruff describes the whole experience as something of a learning curve – “we made the interface for it with our friends who do the website in Cardiff and we’d never mixed in surround sound properly before, they’d never made an interface for a DVD, most of the video-makers had never made a video before” – but says that at least if they tried it again they’d know what they were doing.

Pushing boundaries seems to be something that Super Furry Animals enjoy. Their last album, Mwng, was the fastest-selling Welsh language album ever and their early single Man Don’t Give A Fuck (released and deleted on the same day) is the only known Christmas single to contain the word ‘fuck’ 52 times.

But Gruff takes pains to point out that technological envelope-pushing

album was written to reflect the state of the world: “It’s not like we’ve predicted anything – we’ve been at war for 10 years and we’ve become targets for the last 10 years too because of the way the Arab world has been treated by the West. We’re all targets and the album was written in that context.”

Certain tracks have already been misconstrued after the World Trade Centre attacks the Juxtapozed (With U) video was pulled from TV stations worldwide (although it’s still being shown in Italy where, Gruff says, “they can think for themselves”) and the next release off the album, It’s Not The End Of The World, may get a similarly frosty reception (“I don’t know if they’ll play it,” Gruff laughs,

will never overshadow good music (“If it’s got a good tune it will sound good on an eight-track or whatever – an album that someone made in mono thirty years ago will still sound good because it’s got good songs”) and much of the content of Rings Around The World belies its advanced style.

The current single (Drawing) Rings Around The World is ostensibly about how technology and communications have shrunk the world and, in the light of recent events in America, certain tracks seem oddly prescient – particularly It’s Not The End Of The World and the George W Bushinspired No Sympathy.

Gruff maintains, however, that the

“But things change all the time”).

With songs about Dubya’s rightwing administration and Bill Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky on the album it would be tempting to think of the Super Furries as an overtly political band but Gruff insists that political matters have found their way onto Rings Around The World in much the same way that they shoehorn their way into everyday life.

“The thing is,” he explains, “We formed the band because of The Aberwystwyth Super Furry Animals. I our musical don’t think they play much – I don’t think obsessions and I write they’re in much demand. But you haven’t the lyrics from these made it until you’ve got an Australian cover events that I feel in band.” my own personal life.

And you’re watching TV – well, we’re On M ichael Jackson: “He’ll exposed to TV probably be Michelle Jackson next year – everywhere we go – just change gender. It’s the only way he and you see more of can go – he’s already changed race.”

Bill Clinton than you see of your brother and sister. Which is On wanting to record just ridiculous. It’s like Juxt apozed ( W ith U ) with a soap opera – these Brian Harvey: “We wanted someone people intrude into with a proper voice. But we just got word your life through the that he couldn’t do it. It was a long shot TV so it seems anyway.” inevitable that I write

R h y s ’ p ie c e s On festivals:

“I think a lot of British festivals are very corporate compared to the European ones. You’re just sort of herded around. [I enjoy them] as long as I don’t have to play in daylight - it’s a very vulnerable sensation...it makes me feel naked.”

On Australia: “They’re a very irreverent nation – they released Man Don’t Give A Fuck and it was playlisted for about four months. I was hoping to go back this year but things have been busy.”

On tribute bands: “We did have a cover band but they couldn’t keep up. But we’ve got a new one in Aberwystwyth – G RiP

about them.

“I think our songs are written from the perspective of someone who’s completely insignificant – someone who’s completely helpless in the face of this tide of...[thinks for ages,

IN ACTION: Gruff, er, kicks out the jams at The Forum in London earlier this year

W e t r y n o t t o b u il d u p t o o m uch of an au r a. W e t ake o u r m u s i c v e r y s e r i o u s ly b u t w e d o n ’ t t a k e o u r s el v e s s e r i o u s ly.

T h i s f a s ci n a t i o n w i t h c ele b r i t ie s is s ca r y “It can mean whatever you want it to mean really. We like to overwhelm people. It basically comes from our experiences of going to see other people play. Sometimes it can be very underwhelming when you go to see a traditional rock band play when you’ve been exposed to what happens in dance clubs with megasurround systems.”

This desire to create an experience rather than a gig comes on the back of the Super Furries’ groundbreaking CD and DVD released this summer, Rings Around The World. For the first time in the history of music (ever), the band created an album on DVD complete

G uy

finding the right word] shit that’s washing over us. But I think they’re optimistic in tone, you know – you can overcome anything. So I think our message over all, if there is one, is to face up to the shit.”

And Gruff starts laughing.

However it’s interpreted, the album’s been a commercial success and a critical one too – it earned the band their first Mercury Music Prize nomination.

In the end, PJ Harvey took the prize but Gruff says the band never really expected to win anyway and were surprised to be even nominated.

Super Furry Animals have never been ones to go consciously courting favour within the record industry, preferring to concentrate on music rather than marketing, and Gruff’s view on the Mercury Prize and other industry back-slapping exercises shows a refreshing disregard for PR niceties: “I don’t know how the hell you’re meant to judge albums. I mean, it’s just to sell records – you get a nice

most influential bands were completely ignored – The Who, MC5...” he tails off before adding, “Not that I’m saying we’re like them.”

Gruff’s opinions on the record industry sound more like those of someone on the outside looking in rather than someone who’s embraced the rock and roll lifestyle with its drug-fuelled debauchery and brownM&Ms-only riders. In fact, the whole fame thing seems to be something that he’ s keen to denounce: “We’re still on the blag, you know. This is still a big scam for us. We’re still amused that people give us drinks and stuff.

“But there’s just this big cliché. You can have doctors or plumbers or scientists who are just as rock and roll as any musician. I don’t think it’s my duty to get fucked every night.

“We try not to build up too much of an aura. We take our music very seriously but we don’t take ourselves seriously. This fascination with celebrities, with minor celebrities, is scary.”

Even though they don’t play up to the image of rock stars, the band have had to adapt to certain aspects of international fame. As soon as this tour is over they’ll be heading off to Japan for ten days before touring America until the end of December.

British fans were deprived of Super Furry appearances at festivals this year (although they did one gig in Ireland because the organisers let them take their own sound system along) but it’s clear that the band have the fans’ best interests at heart.

Steadfastly refusing to release multi-format singles Gruff is pretty scathing about bands that do: “You just get remixes of shit singles. You know, you do a single and you put two songs that you like on the B-side but then some people just do another one and put anything on it. That kind of misleads people and it tells you a lot about the band.

“I mean, when Blur beat Oasis to number one it’s because they had two versions [of Country House] out but Oasis wouldn’t do that. Whatever you think of them at least they didn’t

I t hin k o u r s o n g s a r e w ri t t e n f r o m t h e p e r s p e c t iv e o f s o m e o n e w h o ’ s c o m p le t ely i n s i g n ifi c a n t – s o m e o n e w h o ’ s c o m p le t ely h el p le s s i n t h e f a c e o f t his t id e o f . . . s hi t t h a t ’s w a s hin g o v e r u s sticker on the front of your album. It’s just record companies saying ‘we think these people should sell lots of records this year’.

“And the record industry is this little village inside London where individuals can influence the careers of whichever band they like. But it doesn’t mean anything. Some of the best bands are ones that people have never heard of, or at least get no recognition. I mean, some of the

rip off their fans.”

Coming from anyone else, this could sound like well-polished ‘we’re only in it for the fans’PR-spin but it’s clear that Gruff means what he says.

Passionate, articulate, affable, selfdeprecating...he’s exactly how we need celebrities these days.

But of course, as he says himself, it’s the music that matters and that’s why Super Furry Animals are going to rock the CIAthis week.

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6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilr oy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Bar gain Hunt 12.00 Wipeout 12.30 Doctors 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 Birds of a Feather 3.25 Pingu 3.30 Tweenies 3.50 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.10 The Cramp Twins 4.20 Eureka TV 4.35 The Queen's Nose 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Tess reacts angrily to Darcy's marriage proposal, accusing him of a last-minute verbal gamble, but a chat with Susan helps her see things in a new light. Morning everyone! Welcome to TV.

6.00 Open Uni versity 7.00 Potsworth and Co 7.25 Arthur 7.50 DIY TV 8.10 Brum 8.20 Little Bear 8.45 64 Zoo Lane 9.00 Tweenies 9.40 Playdays 10.00 Teletubbies 10.50 Schools 12.50 Home F ront Tricks 1.00 Brum 1.10 Dr Otter 1.20 Bill and Ben 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 Conference Li ve 3.50 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 4.00 Awash with Colour 4.30 Read y, Steady, Cook 5.15 The Weakest Link Anne Robinson pulls open her coat, peels back the skin on her chest and reveals a bank of flashing, beeping instruments thus confirming the views of a nation – she’s an evil cyborg. Result!

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Watch to Win 9.30 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1.05 Shortland Street 1.35 The Biggest Game in Town 2.05 Crossroads 2.35 The Bill 3.05 ITV News Headlines 3.10 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Animal Stories 3.25 Mopatop's Shop 3.35 The Ad ventures of Captain Pugwash 3.50 Cardcaptors 4.15 The Quick Trick Show 4.30 Two of a Kind 5.05 Crossroads Virginia and Oona have a catfight after a row in reception. Bradley wants to let Tracey down gently. He wants to do what? A ‘fnarr’ for the gentleman in the motel. 5.35 Nuts and Bolts

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Suddenly Susan 12.30 Planed Plant: Pei Pwmpan 12.45 Planed Plant:Y Blobs 1.00 Supporting Acts 1.20 Brookside 2.45 A Place in the Sun 3.15 Watercolour Challenge 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 5.15 Planed Plant:Ffeil 5.30 Tell It to Me Straight In this edition, librarian Sally discovers her mates think she is frumpy. But, let’s be honest, if Sally’s a mumsy fifty-year-old in a tweed skirt and sensible shoes I think frumpy’s the word they’re looking for.

6.00 ITN News Channel 7.00 Milkshake! 7.25 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.25 J ay Jay the Jet Plane 8.55 Beachcomber Bay 9.20 Ricki Lake 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Famil y Law 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 The Oprah Winfrey Show 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM:The Great Santini Answers on a postcard please: Is Santini a) a cheap drink liked by slappers; b) a fearsomely tedious Latino-esque guitar band; c) a magician with twirly moustachios; or d) none of the above? 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News; Weather 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 X Ray More tedious consumer whingeing.

7.30 A Question of Spor t Team captains Ally McCoist and John Parrott are joined

by Mark Nicholas, Frank Lampard, Roger Black and Dion Dublin. Sports Desk, if there was a ruckus in the Question of Sport studio, who’d emerge victorious?

“Dion Dublin will batter Frank Lampard with his massive cock”. “Mark Nicholas got beaten up over the summer by a pikess [female pikey, it says here] with a dog chain. So he’d lose,” adds News Desk.

Somewhat unnecessarily.

8.00 EastEnder s 8.30 Changing Rooms Modernistic rusticity and neo-gothicism in Painswick in the Cotswolds. Sounds like the story of my life. Except I’m not from the Cotswolds.

9.00 Silent Witness 9.50 Children in Need 2001:The Fun Starts Her e 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Scott Gibbs – Out on His Own 11.15 Welcome to Britain: The Unwanted 11.55 FILM:Where's the Money, Noreen?

1.35 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The Simpsons A stranger claims that Principal Skinner is an imposter. Ah, now, I’ve seen this one. But I can’t think of a quote.

6.20 Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons When the Mysterons announce that Colonel White is to be their next target, he goes into hiding under a pseudonym.

Will the Mysterons be fooled? Not if his pseudonym’s Osama Bin Laden they won’t.

6.45 Farscape Chiana and D’Argo visit the planet Kanvia to buy medicine for Talyn. Yes, and the J’gksdsus from the planet Th’v invade the neighbouring galaxy of Yffffffff. Honestly....

7.30 Class Act 8.00 University Challeng e Downing College, Cambridge face Newcastle.

Did you see Cardiff on here last week? Heroes. Especially when they laughed at the word ‘Koch’.

8.30 What the Victorians Did for Us:Conqueror s 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 'orrible 10.00 Coupling 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Langan behind the Lines:Ka bul Vice 12.00 Seinfeld 12.25 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Tricia returns, putting the pressure on Martin to show if he has really laid the past to rest.

Um, well the word ‘laid’’s in there so Martin can have a ‘fnarr’. Well done.

7.30 Coronation Street Dennis puts Ryan under pressure. That’s better – fnarr!

8.00 Trauma Team A consultant assesses a parachutist with a suspected broken back. I think it’s ridiculous that people with broken backs are allowed to go sky-diving anyway – it’s a drain on resources and, oh, right, I see. My mistake.

8.30 House of Horror s 9.00 Bob and Rose 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 The Sketch Sho w 11.00 The Race Keith Duffy introduces a global adventure in which four teams travel round the world on a shoestring. God knows what qualifies ex-Boyzone Duffy to do this. Still, keeps him off the streets. 12.05 UEFA Champions League Weekly 12.35 Nationwide Football League Extra 1.15 Young, Gifted and Broke 1.40 Trisha 2.35 The Web Review 3.00 Box Office America 3.25 Judge Jud y 3.40 ITV Sport Classics 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Ear ly Morning News

6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.10 Heno 7.00 Pobol y Cwm After recent events and discoveries, Reg is feeling ashamed and red-faced. FNARR. ::sigh:: 7.30 Newyddion News 8.00 Ydy Coleg Yn Gret 8.30 Yn Ein Dwylo 9.00 Taro Naw 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 Gas Attack ‘Controversial’(in the light of tabloid scaremongering) film about a nerve gas attack in Glasgow. They’re hard there, aren’t they? They’ll be alright 12.05 Lost 12.35 Hollyoaks: Movin' On 1.25 FILM: Valley of the Dolls 4.00 Schools

6.00 Home and Away Is Hayley going off the rails?

And is the pressure of leading a double life getting too much for Shauna? What’s this? Everyone’s going nutbag down at Summer Bay. 6.30 Famil y Affairs Jim is shocked to realise that Paul has pieced together all the clues. Ah, pull yourself together, man – it’s only Cluedo. Try Kerplunk instead if you can’t keep up.

7.00 Toyota World of Wildlife:Sand and Sno w Wildlife documentary looking at two regions with polar opposite climates – California's Mojave desert and North Alaska. What wildlife survives in these regions? Film crews, apparently.

7.30 5 News 8.00 Secrets of World War II:Home Run from Colditz 8.30 The Most Evil Men in History: Torquemada Head of the Spanish Inquisition, I think. “Nobody expects...” ::snip:: 9.00 FILM: Inferno 10.55 Dr F ox's Char t Update 11.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 12.00 American Football: NFL Update 12.35 Moto GP 3.05 Motor Sport: FedEx CAR T Racing 4.30 Motorspor t Max 5.00 Golf: Jebel Ali Challeng e

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This is the film that broke the mould when it came to black humour. Basically, these two guys get dumped by their girlfriends so decide to avenge all mankind by simultaneously seducing and then abandoning a

CH4.As S4C except:9.30 4Learning 12.00 Montel 12.30 Suddenly Susan 1.00 Cheers 1.25 Creme de la Creme 1.40 FILM: It's Great to Be Young 3.45 4.15 5.00 A Place in the Sun 5.25 Tell It to Me Straight 6.00 Friends 6.30 Holl yoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Bod y Talk 8.00 O'Shea's Dangerous Reptiles:The Magic Man 8.30 A Child's World:The Mind Reader 9.00 Gas Attack 10.30 Lost 11.05 Hollyoaks: Movin' On 11.50 FILM: In the Company of 1.40 FILM: The Red Squirrel (aka La Ardilla Roja) 3.45 Four mations: Wat's Pig 4.00 4Learning

deaf girl who works in their office.

Is this how men’s minds really work? Or is it just the most tongue-in-cheek response to the ‘new lad’ phenomenon? Whatever your thoughts, you’ve got to admire a film where one of the protagonist’s thoughts on women are summed up with the line, “Never trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn’t die.”

Nice boys, really.

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6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilr oy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Bar gain Hunt 12.00 Wipeout 12.30 Doctors 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 Birds of a Feather 3.25 Pingu 3.30 Tweenies 3.50 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.10 UBOS 4.35 So Little Time 5.00 Byker Gr ove Ollie’s stag night is a non-starter, while Teraise’s hen night is more eventful. Wait! This is Byker Grove – you can’t have people getting married.

They’re only young. But then they are Northern and there’s no accounting for that. 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours

6.00 Open Uni versity 7.00 The Magical Ad ventures of Quasimodo 7.25 Arthur 7.50 Blue Peter 8.10 Binka 8.20 Little Bear 8.45 64 Zoo Lane 9.00 Tweenies 9.40 Playdays 10.00 Teletubbies 10.50 Ethelbert the Tiger 11.00 Conference Li ve 1.00 Binka 1.10 Look and Read: The Legend of the Lost Keys 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 Conference Li ve 3.50 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 4.00 Awash with Colour 4.30 Read y, Stead y, Cook 5.15 The Weakest Link Early and unconfirmed reports say that someone in this office may soon be appearing on The Weakest Link. Start sending ideas for Robinson comebacks now.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Watch to Win 9.30 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1.05 Shortland Street 1.35 The Biggest Game in Town 2.05 Crossroads 2.35 The Bill 3.05 ITV News Headlines 3.10 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Animal Stories 3.25 Mopatop's Shop 3.35 The Adventures of Captain Pugwash 3.50 Cardcaptors 4.15 The Quick Trick Show 4.30 Two of a Kind 5.05 Crossroads Tracey continues to pursue Bradley. I’d only watch this if Tracey was pursuing Bradley to a soundtrack of Benny Hill music. And brandishing something of comedic value.

5.35 The People Versus

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Suddenly Susan 12.30 Planed Plant: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.45 Planed Plant:Miffi 1.00 Supporting Acts 1.15 Ultimate Guide – Great Apes 2.15 Location, Location, Location 2.45 A Place in the Sun 3.15 Watercolour Challenge 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Y Marinogion 5.30 Tell It to Me Straight John Lowe discovers his mates think he looks like an urban farmer and dances like a dad at a wedding. An ‘urban farmer’?

Sorry, I’m lost.

6.00 ITN News Channel 7.00 Milkshake! 7.25 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.25 J ay Jay the Jet Plane 8.55 Beachcomber Bay 9.20 Ricki Lake 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Famil y Law 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 The Oprah Winfrey Show 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: Kramer vs Kramer “Weepy but dated,” sobs Film Desk 5.25 Vox Pop Members of the public share their thoughts on the recent acts of terrorism in the US. “Bomb them!” Yeah, thanks for the balanced views. 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Holiday – You Call the Shots Kate Humble and her team explore Sydney. I certainly hope Sydney doesn’t mind. Sorry, it’s been a long day. I think I might be feverish.

7.30 EastEnder s Jim is in the dog house with Dot. If we work on the premise the ‘the dog house’is a euphemism for something or other, this can have a ‘fnarr’.

8.00 Holby City Anton Meyer's colleagues must fight to save his life after he is shot in a road rage attack.

Cool – that sounds like a fairly hardcore injury. None of that ‘I was painting the guttering and a fell off a moderately high ladder’ faff.

9.00 FILM: Beverly Hills Cop II “Errrrm,” thinks Film Desk for a ridiculously long time, “I don’t think it’s as good as the original. But it has its moments.”

10.00 BBC News News.

10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 FILM:Be verly Hills Cop II Gah!The BBC’s getting as bad as ITV. Don’t interrupt my films!

11.15 FILM:The Stepsister “I think this was made for TV – which is kind of a review in itself,” shrugs Film Desk non-committially.

12.55 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Star Trek: Voyager Captain Janeway decides to take three young crew members on an away mission with her. Dirty mare. I bet she’ll claim it back on expenses as well.

6.45 Roswell High A future incarnation of Max Evans returns to tell Liz that, if the world is to be saved, she has to break up with his younger self. How to unite the twin teen angsts of relationships and mass destruction? Like this! Yay! Utter tosh, of course.

7.30 Tune Team 8.00 Food and Drink Antony Worrall Thompson pickles vegetables and cooks roasted pheasant with cider, Calvados and apples. Why waste good cider by pouring it on a pheasant? Cuh! 8.30 Ainsley's Gourmet Express 2 Recipes include an oaty gingered plum crumble. ::snicker:: Plums.

9.00 Battlefields: Bomber 9.50 We Are History 10.00 Double Yellow Includes a profile of Pete Fowler, him what does the awesome SFA artwork. Nice.

10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Langan behind the Lines: Tea with the Taliban Enlightening. And timely.

12.00 Seinfeld 12.25 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Carlos and Bernice are forced to hide from Nicola's anger, and strange events at the Holiday Centre worry Marc. Not good enough! Where’s the rudery?

7.30 Grass Roots 8.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Still, for some reason, running on the ‘parent and child’format that, while entertaining for the occasional bickering, can’t really compete with the joy of watching one person crumble when they lose the most money they’ve ever seen in their pitiful life.

9.00 The Bill 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.20 The Fattest Men in Britain: Real Life 11.20 HTV News and Weather 11.30 Top Spor t 12.40 Take the Mik e 1.10 FILM:The Woman in Red Film Desk declines to comment, mistakenly believing they’ve been asked for their thoughts about Chris de Burgh.

2.35 World Sport 3.05 Racing Arr ows 3.30 Nationwide Football League Extra 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Ear ly Morning News

6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.10 Heno 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News 8.00 Cerdyn Post 8.30 Ffermio 9.00 The Six Wives of Henry VIII:Catherine Howard and Catherine Parr 10.00 Brookside 10.35 Amdani 11.30 Lost Alright, alright, I’ll concede that this isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

So, y’know, you can watch it if you like. I won’t mind.

12.00 Hollyoaks:Movin' On 12.50 Frasier 1.20 FILM: Home from the Hill 4.00 Schools

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Famil y Affairs 7.00 Five Concluding part of top boy band Five's March 2000 concert filmed at Manchester's Evening News Arena.Wipe the tears from your eyes and set the video to record for all eternity the mighty 5ive before they decided to call it a day. Does anyone else think that Jay’s eyebrow ring looks funny?

It’s too low, and it’s gone through the smallest amount of his face possible so it looks like it’s about to fall out. If he’d only go out with me, I could follow him round to make sure everything was okay. ::sigh:: 7.30 5 News 8.00 Zulu – the Warrior s Retur n 9.00 FILM:Ransom “Not too bad really – a bit mediocre but then it’s a Mel Gibson film so what d’you expect?” postulates Film Desk.

11.20 Special Taskforce III A close look at some nutbag South African police hitsquad type thing.

12.20 La Femme Nikita 1.10 American Football NFL Game of the Week: Detroit Lions v St Louis Rams 4.30 Dutch Football:PSV Eindho ven v Vitesse Arnhem

CH4.As S4C except:9.30 4Learning 12.00 Montel 12.35 Suddenly Susan 1.00 Creme de la Creme 1.15 FILM:Beau Brummell 3.15 3.45 4.15 5.00 A Place in the Sun 5.25 Tell It to Me Straight 6.00 X-Fir e 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Body Talk 8.00 Brookside 8.30 Dri ven 9.00 Extinct: The Irish Elk 9.30 Going Critical:The Airsho w Miracle 10.00 Sex and the City 10.35 Lost 11.05 Hollyoaks:Movin' On 11.55 Power to the Pixel 12.55 FILM: Nelly and Monsieur Arnaud 2.55 Boy Meets Girl 3.45 Capriccio 4.00 4Learning

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C H OIC E T h e F a t t e s t M e n I n B r i t ai n : R e al L if e IT V , 1 0 . 2 0 p m What a missed opportunity. Film-maker Nicholas O'Dwyer meets severely overweight men like 56-year-old Jack Taylor of Bradford, G RiP

who thinks he weighs between 50 and 60 stone, and 55 stone Barry Austin from Birmingham.

Apparently Barry used to be the fattest man in Britain – although the scant information we have doesn’t say whether this dubious honour is now held by Jack Taylor.

Anyway, what could have been an all-out fatty attack – a clash of the titans, if you will,

featuring a range of Gladiators-style games – is, in fact, a look at people’s perceptions of food and the way we eat (or, in the case of Jack and Barry, how much we eat).

And, even better, this programme finishes just in time for you to catch Tea With The Taliban on BBC2. At least now you’ll know who the Americans are rattling their sabres at.

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6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilr oy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Bar gain Hunt 12.00 Wipeout 12.30 Doctors 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 Birds of a Feather 3.25 Pingu 3.30 Tweenies 3.50 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.10 Jackie Chan Ad ventures 4.35 Oscar Charlie 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbour s Harold suggests Paul explores alternative career options.

Fnarr. Oh yeah, Harold gets arrested as well. Probably for sex with minors.

6.00 Open Uni versity 7.00 Charlie Br own and Snoop y Show 7.25 Arthur 7.50 UBOS 8.10 Bob the Builder 8.20 Little Bear 8.45 64 Zoo Lane 9.00 Load of kid’s shit 10.50 Ethelbert the Tiger 11.00 Conference Li ve 1.00 Bob the Builder 1.10 Science Zone 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 Holiday Snaps 2.15 FILM:Bundle of J oy A delivery of a surprise package to a young journalist’s house leads him to abandon his career as he embarks on a rollercoaster adventure. 3.50 News 4.00 Awash with Colour 4.30 Read y, Steady, Cook 5.15 The Weakest Link

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Watch to Win 9.30 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1.05 Shortland Street 1.35 The Biggest Game in Town 2.05 Crossroads 2.35 The Bill 3.05 ITV News Headlines 3.10 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Animal Stories 3.25 Mopatop's Shop 3.35 The Ad ventures of Captain Pugwash 3.50 Cardcaptors 4.15 The Quick Trick Show 4.30 Two of a Kind 5.05 Crossroads Bradley rekindles his passion with Tom. Fnarrzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... oops sorry. Nodded off there.

5.35 The People Versus

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Ysgolion/ Schools 12.00 The Leader's Speech 1.00 Planed Plant: Ari Awyren 1.15 Planed Plant:Sionyn 1.20 Planed Plant:Caio 1.30 Supporting Acts 1.45 Property Ladder 2.45 A Place in the Sun 3.15 Watercolour Challenge 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Planed Plant 5.15 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.30 Tell It to Me Straight An ex go-go dancer learns that she is tarty and selfish. While a Channel 4 programme scheduler learns that he’s an exploitative cunt.

6.00 ITN News Channel 7.00 Milkshake! 7.25 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.25 J ay Jay the Jet Plane 8.50 Beachcomber Bay 9.20 Ricki Lake 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Famil y Law 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 The Oprah Winfrey Show 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: Stranger in Town 5.25 Vox Pop Members of the public share their thoughts on the recent acts of terrorism in the US. Don’t watch this shite – read theonion.com instead.

Genius. 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 So You Think You're a Good Dri ver 7.30 Celebrity Read y, Steady, Cook Ainsley Harriott challenges TV stars – Helen Adams from Big Brother and H from Steps – to cook a meal in 20 minutes.

H will most likely sprinkle gak on his cornflakes if past TV appearances are anything to go by.

8.00 The Weakest Link 8.45 National Lottery Winning Lines Not presented by H from Steps, oddly.

9.00 The Blue Planet: Seasonal Seas Jellyfish and ‘the bizarre walking handfish’feature in this programme, surely by now becoming a predictable staple in the entertainment schedule of early-evening stoners. If this applies to you, get out of the house and come for a pint brah.

10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Band of Brother s 12.55 The Blue Planet 1.45 Panorama 2.25 See Hear on Saturda y 3.10 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 TOTP 2 The Teardrop Explodes are on this week.

Rhodri has a boner.

6.45 Star Trek:The Next Generation 7.30 The Good Life 8.00 Would Like to Meet A builders’merchant from Kidderminster comes under the microscope. Could have phrased that a little better guys. Er, fnarr.

9.00 Babyfather 9.50 Body Briefs 10.00 Porridg e 10.30 Newsnight 11.25 Seinfeld The first of two special episodes looking back at some of the moments which have helped define the show. Tell you what, go to Preview and we’ll write some uninformed gash about it.

11.45 Seinfeld 12.10 48 Preludes and Fugues 12.30 BBC Learning Zone Last weekend in Manchester was bomb. 36 hours drinking, 12 or so hours of sleep – can’t knock that ratio. Thanks to all the bands we saw, except for Squeezebox who huffed dong like it was going out of fashion. Mel, Simon, Imran, friendly barman at hotel, friendly barmaid at pub who donated free lash, Joe, bloke from Ankst, Prince bin Laden – we salute your asses.

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Marlon is left in no doubt as to his position. Fnarr.

7.30 The Big Match:UEF A Champions League Li ve: Olympiakos Piraeus v Manchester United Des Lynam introduces live coverage of United's delayed Champions League match against the Greek champions.

‘On United’s form,’ says Pearlo, ‘12-11 to United.

With Olympiakos leading 11-0 at half time.’ Pearlo’s a Spurs fan by the way. A bitter weekend was had by all.

9.45 Coronation Street Eve takes matters into her own hands. Fnarr.

10.15 ITV News at Ten 10.35 Barry Welsh is Coming 11.05 HTV News and Weather 11.20 The Big Match: UEFA Champions League Highlights 12.30 FILM:Ringmaster With Jerry Springer. My days! 2.05 The Big Match: UEFA Champions League: Celtic v Rosenborg 3.40 Tri 2001 4.35 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Ear ly Morning News

6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.10 Heno 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News 8.00 Sgwadnewyddu 8.30 Hoelen Yn Yr Archif 9.00 Joined:the World of Siamese Twins 10.00 Brookside 10.30 Ally McBeal 11.30 Lost 12.00 Perfect Match 1.00 The Secret Life of Us 2.00 FILM:Hell and High Water

6.00 Home and Away Sally interferes in Mitch and Brodie's relationship. Fnarr.

6.30 Famil y Affairs 7.00 The Movie Chart Sho w 7.30 5 News 8.00 FILM: Stolen Youth Mum gutted as son lays pipe in her best mate. Foscolo hates his charges using the word ‘gutted’. Gutted brah.

9.45 Murder Detecti ves: Disappearance of Helle Crafts Which is not some ancient art of weaving blankets out of whale snot or something that only gets found in a teepee in the Glastonbury stone circle; rather, Helle Crafts is or was a woman who ‘disappeared’ after getting a detective to prove that her husband was knocking someone else off.

10.15 FILM: Bachelor Party ‘I’ve never actually seen it,’ Ford confesses. ‘If you wait for Jack to phone, he’ll be able to give you an opinion on it’– Sarah. Can’t wait that long.

12.20 Major League Baseball 3.30 Major League Baseball Repla y POSSIBLY A MORE RUBBISH SANDWICH THAN LIFE ITSELF ■ NABIN LADENS IN POPSCENE? ■ SEE YOU IN COURT THEN

CH4.As S4C except:9.00 Bewitched 9.30 4Learning 12.00 The Leader's Speech 1.05 Creme de la Creme 1.20 FILM: Pal Joey 3.15 3.45 4.15 5.00 A Place in the Sun 5.25 Tell It to Me Straight 6.00 Model Behaviour 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Body Talk 8.00 Brookside 8.30 Location, Location,Location 9.00 Joined:the World of Siamese Twins 10.00 Ally McBeal 10.55 Lost 11.30 The Secret Life of Us 12.30 4 Music:Ibiza TV 1.00 4 Music:Fla va 1.35 4 Music: 4 Play 1.50 4 Music:4 Pla y 2.05 Cry Me a Ba by 2.35 Boy Meets Girl 3.35 TV Dinners 4.00 Trans World Sport 4.55 The Red Bull Soap Box Race 5.20 Countdown

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S T A YIN G IN T O NIG H T ?

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(0 2 9) 2 0 2 2 9 9 7 7 6 2 C R W Y S R O A D , C A R DIF F

G RiP

Even when the BBC purport to be celebrating Seinfeld, they put it on at some ridiculous hour like this. A bit like Larry Sanders before it, it kind of points to a snobbish sense of outmoded superiority about Auntie’s comedy legacy. Which is great, but

when the current crop consists of warmed-over toss like Never Mind The Buzzcocks and My Hero, you’d think they’d appreciate the gifts America hands them.

Anyway... despite that murder-inducing slap bass refrain that everyone knows Seinfeld for, it will stand the test of time as a wickedly funny slice of NYCprofessional arch buffoonery. Jerry himself somehow effortlessly epitomises the I’m-so-funny-I-can’t-get-ashag-oh-bloody-hell airs and graces of every male standup comic ever.

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6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilr oy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Bar gain Hunt 12.00 Wipeout 12.30 Doctors 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 Birds of a Feather 3.25 Pingu 3.30 Tweenies 3.50 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.10 UBOS 4.35 Hollywood 7 5.00 Byker Gr ove Stella discovers that she has been ripped off by her model portfolio photographer. I assume everyone’s heard that story about ex-Byker Grove ‘star’Donna Air and her runin with a photographer? See BBC 2 for details. 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours

6.00 Open Uni versity 7.00 The Magical Ad ventures of Quasimodo 7.25 Arthur 7.50 Blue Peter 8.10 Dr Otter 8.20 Little Bear 8.45 64 Zoo Lane 9.00 Tweenies 9.40 Playdays 10.00 Teletubbies 10.50 International Golf 1.10 Landmarks 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 Wildlife on Two 2.30 International Golf 5.15 The Weakest Link Basically, Donna claims that nude pics of her only exist because the photographer asked her to take all her clothes off so he could check for birthmarks.

And she did. But then this is an admission from the woman who asked The Corrs how they met. “Duh, by dabe’s Donna” etc

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Watch to Win 9.30 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1.05 Shortland Street 1.35 The Biggest Game in Town 2.05 Crossroads 2.35 The Bill 3.05 ITV News Headlines 3.10 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Animal Stories 3.25 Mopatop's Shop 3.35 The Ad ventures of Captain Pugwash 3.50 Cardcaptors 4.15 The Quick Trick Show 4.30 Two of a Kind 5.05 Crossroads Virginia is charmed by John on a lunch date. And, er, starts hiding in big baskets and only coming out when people play the recorder at her. 5.35 The People Versus

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Suddenly Susan 12.30 Planed Plant:Saith 12.45 Planed Plant:Bibi 1.00 Creme de la Creme 1.15 O'Shea's Dangerous Reptiles 1.45 Bad Hair Days 2.45 A Place in the Sun 3.15 Watercolour Challenge 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 5.30 Tell It to Me Straight Kate's friends thinks she has comic talent but no confidence.

And, as we all know, the best way to build confidence is to have your personality ripped to shreds by your mates on national television.

6.00 ITN News Channel 7.00 Milkshake! 7.25 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.25 J ay Jay the Jet Plane 8.55 Beachcomber Bay 9.20 Ricki Lake 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Famil y Law 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 The Oprah Winfrey Show 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: Something Big “Ooh! I’ll be watching just in case!” squeals a tiresomely prurient Film Desk. 5.25 Vox Pop Joe Public spills his uninformed brains about the WTC attacks. And I’ll bet none of them try to sneak in a sick joke on air. 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Watchdo g Including the dream holiday resort that turned into a nightmare.

Okay, word of advice – never ever go on a holiday touted as ‘dream’– it will always turn into a nightmare.

7.30 EastEnder s Little Mo takes matters into her own hands in the search for Zoe. And what hands they are – like shovels, I tells ya.

8.00 Paul Daniels in a Black Hole 9.00 Crime watch UK 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Crime watch UK Update 10.45 Question Time Topical debate with David Dimbleby from Liverpool.

Guests include the Liberal Democrat home affairs spokesman Simon Hughes MP, and Daily Mail columnist Simon Heffer. Do you know how much a Daily Mail sub-ed earns a year?

Nearest guess we receive wins a prize. Clue: it’s more money than you’ll ever see in a lifetime.

11.45 Film 2001 with Jonathan Ross Includes a look at American Pie 2 and The Pledge. Nice.

12.15 Liquid News 12.50 Watchdo g 1.25 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The New Adventures of Superman Seeking a mysterious device in Lois Lane's home, a sinister scientist tries to stop Superman interfering by blinding him. Why bother finding some Kryptonite to cripple Superman when you can just poke him in the eye?

Beautifully simple.

6.45 Buffy the Vampir e Slayer After being bested in a fight by an ordinary vampire, Buffy asks Spike to explain how he killed two Slayers many years ago. Ah, but that would be telling.

7.30 Rivers of Wales 8.00 Dragon's Ey e 8.30 Top Gear 9.00 Horizon This film follows a group of children as they undergo a pioneering treatment for leukemia which doctors hope will save their lives. Not wishing to sound churlish, one would hope that this was the outcome the doctors wanted.

9.50 Body Briefs 10.00 Dad's Arm y 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Seinfeld 11.45 Seinfeld 12.05 48 Preludes and Fugues It’s a shame this isn’t on earlier because, the Open University presenting aside, it’s actually rather interesting.

And the music’s good too.

12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Ashley suffers a crisis of faith. Chris grows even more suspicious.

Marlon gives up. They’re not being smutty. But at least they’re being succinct.

7.30 Wales This Week 8.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

9.00 Without Moti ve Margaret's happiness is brought to a halt by a single phone call. Who’s the phone call from, though? “A mime artist – the deafening silence drives the poor woman insane,” ventures Books Desk. And I’m inclined to agree.

10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.20 Tonight with Trev or McDonald 11.20 HTV News and Weather 11.30 Sharp End A debate on whether gambling should be made easier in Wales in order to boost the tourist economy. No, it should be made easier to keep the locals happy. 12.00 Global E-Missions 12.35 Young, Gifted and Broke 1.00 CD:UK 1.50 ITV at the Festivals 2001 2.45 Cybernet 3.10 Tonight with Trev or McDonald 4.05 International Motor Racing 4.30 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Ear ly Morning News

6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.10 Heno 7.00 Pobol y Cwm Beryl gives Meic a helping hand.

Fnarr!

7.30 Newyddion News 8.00 Brodyr Bach 8.30 Cymru Ar Ras 9.30 A Child's World:The Thinker 10.00 Dri ven 10.30 Eurotrash 11.05 Clipsen 11.35 The Armando Iannucci Shows 12.05 Los Dos Bros 12.35 The Sopranos 1.35 Fla va 2.05 Ibiza TV 2.30 FILM: Love Is a Man y Splendoured Thing

6.00 Home and Away Has Hayley taken things too far with Sam? If she needs hospital treatment then probably yes, she has.

6.30 Famil y Affairs Deke thinks that Paul is covering for Ziggy's involvement with Badger and Switch. Vince is pleased to hear that Fern has inherited her brother's house.

A big shout out to Family Affairs today for having the most baffling selection of names known to man, beast or, for that matter, badger.

7.00 The Pepsi Char t 7.30 5 News 8.00 Scenes of Crime This edition’s about Harold Shipman – who the listings people called ‘likable’for some reason. Nutbags.

8.30 Arrest and Trial: Almost Perfect Murder 9.00 FILM: Tom Hor n “It’s about cowboys unfortunately.

Although with a name like that I can see there’d be some confusion. Steve McQueen’s penultimate film, you know,” offers Film Desk.

11.05 Real Sex:Pyjama Party 12.00 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.30 Dutch Football:AZ Alkmaar v PSV Eindho ven 2.10 Argentinian Football: Racing Club v San Lorenzo 3.50 Major League Soccer: NY/NJ Metrostars v LA Galaxy 5.35 Motorspor t Max

CH4.As S4C except: 9.00 Bewitched 9.30 4Learning 12.00 Montel 12.35 Suddenly Susan 1.00 Cheers 1.30 Creme de la Creme 1.45 FILM:The Net 3.45 4.15 5.00 A Place in the Sun 5.25 Tell It to Me Straight 6.00 Friends 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Body Talk 8.00 Property Ladder 9.00 Dressed to Kill:the Downfall of Jane Andr ews 10.00 Frasier 10.30 The Armando Iannucci Shows 11.05 Pornography:the Secret History of Civilisation 12.05 Action 12.35 Late Night Poker 1.35 Onedottv 2.10 Boy Meets Girl 3.10 FILM:Hol y Matrimony 4.40 TV Dinners 5.10 Countdown 5.55 Max Bear

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C H OIC E P a u l D a n iel s I n A B l a c k H o le BBC 1, 8.0 0pm It’s asking for trouble calling a programme ‘Paul Daniels in a Black Hole’ because it will inevitably lead to people rolling their eyes skywards and muttering ‘If only’.

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As it is, this is a documentary following the diminutive conjuror as he travels anonymously across America in an attempt to become famous using only his experience and the tricks he has learned in thirty years of performing.

It’s certainly a brave move – when you’ve got David Blaine being all smouldering and ‘down with ver kids’, you might find it hard to

find an audience for a more, erm, traditional performer.

And it’s a double-edged sword – if he’s a success and stays in America then that’s all well and good.

But then that means no more Louis Theroux documentaries following Paul and the lovely Debbie MacGee as they lead their very strange lives.

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6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilr oy Pure silk in an arse. 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Trading Up 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.00 Wipeout 12.30 Doctor s It’s so gratifying to see that the BBC has really pepped up the daytime line-up in order to grab post Richard and Judy floaters. Sort it out wankers. 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 Birds of a Feather 3.25 Pingu 3.30 Tweenies 3.50 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.10 Super Duper Sumos 4.35 Bring It On 5.00 DIY TV 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbour s

6.00 Open Uni versity 7.00 Chipmunks Go to the Movies 7.25 Arthur 7.50 UBOS 8.10 Bill and Ben 8.20 Little Bear 8.45 64 Zoo Lane 9.00 Tweenies 9.40 Playdays 10.00 Teletubbies 10.50 International Golf 1.10 Landmarks 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 World Rally Championships: Rally San Remo 2.30 International Golf 5.15 The Weakest Link Just between you and me, I am conceiving a plot to rub out Anne Robinson by posing as a contestant on this gameshow.

I have organised an audition for Monday. Keep you posted.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Watch to Win 9.30 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News; Weather 1.05 Shortland Street 1.35 The Biggest Game in Town 2.05 Get Gardening 2.35 Soft Sell 3.05 ITV News Headlines 3.10 HTV News and Weather 3.20 Animal Stories 3.25 Mopatop's Shop 3.35 The Adventures of Captain Pugwash 3.50 Cardcaptors 4.15 The Quick Trick Show 4.30 Two of a Kind 5.05 Nuts and Bolts 5.30 The Biggest Game in Town The residents of Oswestry indulge in a humungous game of Kerplunk.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Suddenly Susan 12.30 Planed Plant: Tecwyn y Tractor 12.45 Planed Plant: Sali Mali 1.00 Pocket Guides 1.10 FILM:Dry Rot 2.45 A Place in the Sun 3.15 Watercolour Challeng e 3.45 Fifteen to One 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Planed Plant:CIC 5.30 Tell It to Me Straight Mel Giedroyc presents the hidden-camera series in which people reveal the shocking truth about their friends. 21-year-old James Bladon discovers he is g ay.

6.00 ITN News Channel 7.00 Milkshake! 7.25 Rolie Polie Olie 7.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.25 J ay Jay the Jet Plane 8.55 Beachcomber Bay 9.20 Ricki Lake 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Famil y Law 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 The Oprah Winfrey Show 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM:The Secret In vasion 5.25 Vox Pop Members of the public share their thoughts on the recent acts of terrorism in the US. “Mildly amusing” ventures a Mr. O.B. Laden 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Animal Hospital This week Rolf Harris tackles a slightly miffed rhino with a sore ring. And loses.

Hilariously.

7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnder s 8.30 My Famil y 9.00 One Foot in the Gr ave I thought he was supposed to be dead. Oh yes, he’s a fictional character. Tell that to all the losers who laid flowers at the spot where he ‘died’. That’s not fiction.

9.30 They Think It's All Over 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Just Up Your Street 11.05 Jo Brand's Commercial Breakdown Nice to see some really innovative programming from the Beeb. Yes, I bought my television licence this week and it hurts when this kind of shit is presented to me.

11.35 FILM:Dirty Mary , Crazy Larry Finally the real story of Mary Whitehouse and her retarded son. Watch her complain about this one, the wrinkly old bitch.

1.05 The Stand-Up Sho w 1.45 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Masters of Combat When are we going to get to see Wee Gail McPorter in combat? Entertainment value surely goes through the roof.

6.45 Star Trek: Voyager 7.30 Bill Oddie Goes Wild This week Bill travels to Amsterdam where he visits a one of the famous strip shows. He is offered £200 to crap on a woman’s face. He is subsequently taken outside and beaten shitless. Great viewing. Now the BBC are truly justifying the licence fee.

8.00 Home F ront in the Garden Why must production companies keep on churning out DIY programmes, when the only people who watch then are students yearning for a better home? Useless.

8.30 Gardeners' World 9.00 Band of Brother s 10.00 Room 101 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Revie w 11.35 Later with Jools Holland Jools Holland introduces a diverse mix of music performers including Bill Oddie and his incredible dilating sphincter.

12.35 The X Files 1.20 Buffy the Vampir e Slayer 3.00 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Bruce's Price Is Right 8.30 Rich and Famous On this week's celebrity magazine, Caron Keating visits George and Alex Best in their Belfast home, while Andi Peters teams up with Steps as they entertain the troops in Oman. The mind boggles in what manner Mr. Peters inspired the troops but singing We’ll Meet Again probably wasn’t on the cards.

9.00 The Bill 10.00 ITV Weekend News 10.30 Lily Li ve Not as good as Lily Dead.

11.20 HTV News and Weather Local news.

11.30 Shotgun Slidesho w Videos by new bands including Rhondda, Skep, Psychosquad and the Lubricated Rentboys.

12.00 Refresh 12.35 Dial-aDate 1.05 Pla yers 1.55 Ne w Music Television 2.25 Take the Mike 2.50 Box Office America 3.15 World Football 3.45 ITV Nightscreen 4.00 ITV Ear ly Morning News 4.30 F1: Japanese Grand Prix Qualifying Li ve

6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.10 Heno 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Newyddion News 8.00 Cefn Gwlad 8.30 Lle Neis i Blant?

9.00 Friends 9.30 Will and Grace 10.00 Brookside 10.35 So Graham Norton 11.15 Bar Wars 12.20 Sex and the City 12.50 Sex and the City 1.20 Hollyoaks Omnibus: Movin' on 2.55 Beach Volleyball:FIVB World Tour 2001 3.25 Why Men Don't Iron ‘Cos it’s wank.

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Famil y Affairs 7.00 Cleopatra 2525 Futuristic action adventure series. Cleopatra, Hel and Sarge are forced to deal with a Betrayer that is a clone of Cleopatra. Zoiks!

7.30 5 News 8.00 Inside the Criminal Mind: Life Inside Crime 9.00 FILM: Evidence of Love With Barbara Hershey and Brian Dennehy.

10.55 FILM: Confessions of a Window Cleaner Bawdy comedy about a cheeky window cleaner who finds that he is extremely popular with all the ladies, except the one he really cares for.

12.35 FILM: Bird With Forest Whitaker and Diane Venora. This film won an Oscar for sound recording.

Surely that alone makes it worth a look. Or a hear.

3.25 FILM: California Straight Ahead 4.35 Russell Grant's Postcards Someone told me the other day that Russell Grant was one of the founders of AOL. Funny thing that.

4.45 Strange Luck Could possibly be applied to the above.

5.30 Oka vango

CH4.As S4C except:9.00 Bewitched 9.30 4Learning 12.00 Montel 12.35 Suddenly Susan 1.00 Creme de la Creme 1.15 SlotAr t 1.20 FILM: Scott of the Antarctic 5.00 A Place in the Sun 5.25 Tell It to Me Straight 6.00 Friends 6.30 Model Behaviour 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 Unreported World 8.00 Great Civilisations 8.30 Brookside 9.00 Friends 9.30 Will and Grace 10.00 So Graham Norton 10.40 Los Dos Bros 11.10 Bar Wars 12.15 Hollyoaks Omnibus 1.50 Beach Volleyball 2.25 FILM: Bedazzled 4.15 See Red

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I think we may have a case of a programme taking itself rather too seriously. A game which involves people kicking the crap out of each other should not be shrouded in the

quasi-religious mystique that Masters of Combat uses. I appreciate that martial arts does have spiritual side, but come on guys, lighten up. Here are a few ideas to pep up proceedings a wincy bit.

My first suggestion is that there is there is a distinct lack of gunge incorporated within the show. And for that matter, Peter Simon.

Kick-boxing is probably quite a hard sport, but what would really sort the men out from the boys would be some form of go-kart race involving picking up little tokens.

Dave Benson-Phillips could certainly fill the role of the anchorman. His intellectually challenging would complement the more inane aspects of the show. That should do it.

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7.00 Little Bear 7.30 Brum 7.40 Fix and F oxi 7.50 Gadget Boy 8.15 Flint the Time Detecti ve 8.35 Rugrats 9.00 The Saturda y Show 12.00 Football Focus 12.50 BBC News; Weather 1.00 Grandstand 1.05 Eggchasing: Wales v Ireland?

1.10 Golf: World Matchpla y 1.55 Racing from Ascot 2.05 Egg-chasing: Wales v Ireland “Ireland 3-0,” says Ed. Inexplicably. 2.25 Racing from Ascot 2.35 Egg-chasing: Wales v Ireland 3.45 Football HalfTimes 3.55 Egg-chasing: Wales v Ireland 4.45 Wales on Saturday 5.35 BBC News 5.50 Wales Today

7.00 Weekend 24 9.00 Puttin’on the Ritz 9.15 FILM: Top Hat 10.50 See Hear on Saturday – Deaf News 11.05 See Hear on Saturday 11.50 Turning Points 12.00 Stingr ay 12.25 Star Trek 1.15 TOTP 2 2.00 International Golf , Racing from Ascot and Snooker Awesome scenes are happening on all sides – McLusky are being played on the radio. Robin Jackson has just come in with a bomb new mohawk (as not seen on University Challenge last week). Pearlo has just insulted one of his own. Nick didn’t recognise Robin Jackson when he came in.

6.00 F1: Japanese Grand Prix Qualifying Li ve 6.15 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Li ve 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 On the Ball 1.20 ITV News; Weather 1.25 HTV News and Weather 1.30 F1: Japanese Grand Prix Qualifying 3.15 Ken Tyrrell – Surviving Formula One 4.20 The Goal Rush 5.05 HTV News and Weather 5.20 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5.30 Challenge of a Lifetime Bladon is currently undertaking the challenge of his lifetime: getting the word “buffoon” into the news pages. See if you can spot it, win a prize. Conceivably.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.35 Blue's Clues 7.00 Aviemore Street Luge 7.30 World Offshor e Powerboating Championship 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Scrapheap Challenge 11.00 X-Fire 12.00 Star gate SG-1 12.55 FILM: Flipper 2.30 Rygbi: Pencampwriaeth y Chwe Gwlad:Cymru v Iwerddon 4.55 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 5.05 FILM: Carry On Matron “A good one actually. Medical ones are always very good,” says Ford.

Frankie Howerd’s the buffoon, Frankie Howerd’s the buffoon... and it goes on.

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 WideWorld 6.30 WideWorld 7.00 ITN News Channel 7.30 Milkshake! 7.35 Red wall 8.00 The Powerpuff Girls 8.20 FILM:Where's Willie?

10.00 Agrippine 10.30 Singled Out 11.00 Cor e News 11.05 Edgemont 11.30 Zoe, Duncan, Jack and Jane 12.00 5 News 12.10 Home and Away Omnibus 2.15 Atlantis High 2.45 The Core 2.50 The Pepsi Char t 3.25 Harry and Cosh 3.55 School 4.55 Under Pressur e 5.55 5 News I’ve just realised this ‘buffoon’thing isn’t funny at all unless you work in this office. Sorry.

5.55 Jim Davidson's Generation Game Games include fencing and tapping a barrel of beer. Watch out for the moment when one contestant tempts Jim toward the barrel with a carrot dipped in whisky on the end of his sword, and as the talentless cockney cunt’s mouth starts to foam and his eyes roll back in his head at the prospect of tasting that beautiful, beautiful alcohol, he is slashed, slowly but surely, to a bloody mess with the pre-sharpened implement.

6.50 Dog Eat Do g 7.25 National Lottery Winning Lines 8.10 Casualty 9.00 Randall and Hopkir k (Deceased) 9.50 BBC News; Weather 10.10 Parkinson 11.10 FILM:The Substitute Action thriller about a mercenary soldier... my god, the description actually gets worse from here on in. I can’t implore you enough not to watch this. It’s Saturday night, go out for fuck’s sake.

1.00 They Think It's All Over 1.30 A Question of Sport 2.05 Top of the Pops 2.35 Joins BBC News 24

6.40 What the Papers Sa y 6.50 David Hockney's Secret Knowledg e David Hockney reveals evidence that cameras have been a secret tool for artists since the 15th century. Given that cameras were only invented in the 19th century, this has intrigued me... a little.

8.00 Kings in Waiting: Henry V This seems to be part of a series looking at Princes of Wales through the ages. Can I just remind you that if William ever gets a transfer to this proletarian dump, I have carte blanche to call him a cunt in the TV pages as much as I want. Ask Tom McGarry if you don’t believe me.

9.00 I Lo ve 1997 I love the Preview.

10.00 FILM: Q & A Thriller With Timothy Hutton and Nick Nolte. “That sounds awesome...” says Pearlo... and then he tails off and the mists of ancient lands descend as the beatific squeals of several Jewish children reaches his ears.

This is actually true – they were running up and down outside the office for no apparent reason. Amazing.

12.10 Snooker 1.10 Later with Jools Holland 3.00 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 Pop Idol “Hi, I’m humourless Presbyterian BBC chief of old, Lord Reith. Despite being long dead, I fucking love Ant and Dec, the crazy little Geordie buffoons. If you like them too, why not have a look at the Preview? No wanking now.”

7.00 The Premiership I don’t think anyone has yet pointed out in these pages how utterly dire ITV’s Premiership highlights are.

Well, they have now. DES, WHAT THE FUCK IS IN YOUR EAR?!?!?!

8.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

9.25 The Frank Skinner Show 10.05 FILM:The Naked Gun Awesomely funny. I didn’t even have to ask Ford to tell you that.

11.55 The Premiership 1.25 Forever 2.20 Dial-aDate 2.50 Mixmasters 3.15 Box Office America 3.40 World Sport 4.05 World Football 4.30 Judge Jud y 4.50 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Ear ly Morning News This is the most awesome night of my life since at least Sunday (although Monday was pretty bomb as well... sorry to all who saw me).

Wait there, I’ll tell you why...

6.45 Carry On Snogging 7.15 Newyddion a Chwaraeon News and sport..

7.30 Sadwrn Ar y Stryd 8.00 Noson La wen 9.00 Y Plwyf 10.00 Top Ten TV 11.35 Alien Evolution 1.00 FILM:Screamers 3.00 Late-Night Poker 4.00 Goodwood Motor Circuit Revival Meeting 4.20 Unreported World

6.00 Fort Bo yard 7.00 Night Fever 7.55 5 News and Spor t 8.10 Earth's Fury: Volcano 9.10 CSI:Crime Scene Investigation 10.05 5 News Update 10.10 FILM: Bloodknot “It’s really good – I’d give it six out of ten,” says Pearlo.

12.10 FILM:Shanghai Surprise “Not awesome” – Ford. 1.55 Golf: European PGA Seniors Golf 2.45 Sports week 4.35 The Legend of the Hidden City 5.20 Okavango 5.40 Moto GP: Australia ...After the little Jewish kids, a load of girls from SHAG (who, for the uninitiated, are like the sex advice people here and as such are all awesomely teethgritting pipelaying love machines to the power of a trentfillion) came in and gave us their leftover wine. Which was like eight bottles. OH MY DAYS. TV Desk actually thinks we’re on the way to becoming an alcoholic – anyone who saw us in Manchester over the weekend will testify to this, plus we’ve woken up with really badly shaking hands every morning this week. But we’d managed to avoid having any lash since Tuesday... until now. Hic.

CH4.As S4C except: 6.00 Tales of a Wise King 7.00 7.30 8.00 9.00 10.00 Gazetta Football Italia 11.00 Motorsport on 4: Goodwood Motor Revi val Meeting 2001 Goodwood.

Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh...

12.00 X-Fire 1.00 Famil y Guy 1.25 Little House on the Prairie 2.25 Channel 4 Racing from York and Bangor-on-Dee 5.05 Brookside 6.30 Channel 4 News 7.00 Seven Wonder s of the World 8.00 Battle of the Robots – the Hunt for AI 9.00 Top Ten TV 10.40 Alien Evolution 12.00 FILM: Screamers 2.00 Lost Omnibus 3.30 Where's Bingo Betty? 3.40 The Norm Show 3.45 For Your Love 4.25 Untold - An Indian Affair:Rogue Trader 5.20 Countdown

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C H OIC E P o p Id ol HTV, 6.0 0pm OK, hold your breath, we’re going in. This finds Ant and Dec commencing “the search for the nation’s pop idol” with the aid of judges including Pete Waterman and Dr Fox. We’ve read interviews with Waterman before G RiP

and know he has an acid tongue on him.

Which probably means this is going to be another ‘let’s laugh at the talentless nohopers’ job. We don’t know what to think.

I Love 1 9 9 7 BBC 2, 9.0 0pm Do you know the era that I’m nostalgic for?

The era of wry, satirical pieces about ‘90s

nostalgia, when people would tearfully reminisce about things that had just happened. Well watch it and weep, satirists, because now it’s HERE. For EVAH! The crushingly vapid ‘page 3 girl for the thrillennium!’ Melinda Messenger presents, which should give you an idea of what this is going to be like. “The Teletubbies and Viagra, Titanic and The Full Monty...” Please kill me..

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6.00 Breakfast 8.30 Breakfast with F rost 9.30 The Hea ven and Earth Show 10.30 International Golf 12.00 Countryfile 12.30 On the Record 1.30 EastEnders 3.20 The Blue Planet 4.10 My Family 4.40 Points of View 4.55 BBC News; Weather 5.15 Regional News; Weather 5.20 Songs of Praise Pam Rhodes visits the city of Worcester, where she finds out why two novice oarsmen are rowing the Atlantic. I hope they’re not starting in Worcester. Somewhere like Plymouth or Falmouth might be more sensible. Even more sensible would be to stay at home and not do it at all.

5.55 Star for a Night

6.45 Tweenies 7.25 Pocket Dragon Ad ventures 7.40 The Lampies 7.50 Gadget Boy 8.15 Flint the Time Detecti ve 8.35 Rugrats 9.05 Hollywood 7 9.30 S Club Search 9.35 The Cramp Twins 10.00 Kenan and Kel 10.25 Byker Gr ove 11.20 Rex the Runt 11.30 FILM: Cagney and Lacey:the Return 1.00 Sunda y Grandstand 1.05 Golf: World Matchpla y This sums up why Douglas Adams referred to Sunday afternoons as being ‘the long dark tea-time of the soul’.

Okay, this is a bit early for it to be a tea-time per se. But I think you get my point. 4.00 Eventing 5.15 Scrum V Blokes chat about sport.

6.00 F1: Japanese Grand Prix Li ve 8.30 GMTV 11.30 Sunday Morning 12.30 The Man in the Van 1.00 HTV News and Weather 1.05 ITV News; Weather 1.15 F1: Japanese Grand Prix 3.45 The Magnificent Se ven 4.40 Pulling P ower 5.00 Soccer Sunda y Wrexham Vs Queen’s Park Rangers – anyone care? A very serious Pearlman (Sports Desk) predicts a 1-0 Wrexham win.

‘Everyone in Wrexham is a smackhead so QPR will win 2-0,’ says Wrexham Desk.

5.30 Textured Li ves Some sort of arts programme which promises to take a ‘sideways look’at arty, er, things.

Which would surely make them difficult to see?

6.20 Pippi Longstocking 6.45 Blue's Clues 7.10 The Hoobs 7.40 Bagpuss 7.55 Football Italia:Gazetta 8.55 Blunt attp 9.25 Model Behaviour 9.55 Model Behaviour 10.25 Holl yoaks Omnibus 11.55 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 12.30 4 Trac 1.00 Y Clwb 2.00 Welsh in a Week 2.30 Brookside 3.55 Extinct 4.25 Maniffesto 5.25 Newyddion 5.35 Pobol y Cwm Actually, to follow that point made just there on ITV, there is some painting by some Dutch bloke (I think) where there’s a skull in the fore ground that you can only see if you tur n the picture sideways and squint a bit. Remind me and I’ll find out about it.

7.30 Milkshake! 7.35 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.00 The Beginner's Bible 8.30 Tintin 9.00 Tiger, Tiger 9.30 The Life and Times of Grizzl y Adams 10.30 Cor e News 10.35 The Big Question 11.05 It's Your Funeral 11.35 The Movie Chart Show 12.05 Wildlife Photographer 12.35 5 News at Lunchtime 12.45 Moto GP: Australia 2.20 Exclusive 2.50 Famil y Affairs Omnibus 5.05 FILM:Masterminds ‘Something about teenage computer hackers and a boarding schools or something. Wish I went to boarding school and was a hacker. Gutted,’ mopes Film Desk.

6.45 Antiques Roadsho w Michael Aspel and the team examine antiques in Bridgend. Fascinating finds include a Victorian Welsh hat, a bow-fronted barometer and a valuable whale's tooth.

‘My Mum’s been on Antiques Roadshow twice,’ spouts Focus Desk. ‘She had a silver pepper-pot shaped like a chauffeur. Worth £1000,’ he nods sagely.

7.30 Penelope Keith – Lad y of the Manor ‘I fucking love Penelope Keith. Margot Leadbetter is the best thing about The Good Life. Oh, just...awesome,’ gushes Camp Desk.

8.00 Down to Earth 9.00 Lions - Spy in the Den Okay, this is a lion thing and looks very good but I’m going to have to interrupt the listings to say thank you to the SHAG committe who have just breezed into the office and given each member of the GR team a bottle of nearly-full wine. We love you. Not necessarily in a penetrative way. But we love you. Mm, it’s good wine too.

10.00 BBC News; Weather 10.15 Panorama:VCJD: the Risk List 10.55 FILM: Perfect Crime 12.35 Joins BBC News 24 If anyone’s looking for some nice wine, try Hidden Falls.

It’s a Colombard Chardonnay. And bloody potent.

6.00 Wild: Polar Bear Diary ‘Got up this morning and it was bloody freezing. Again.

Wandered around the ice floes for a bit, ate a penguin – damn those fiddly wrappers. Froze a bollock off. Went back to bed after being photographed by a bloke from Athena.’

6.10 Wild:Congo's Secret Chimps Charlotte Unhleurone (whatever her name is) gets up close and personal with some chimps.

Anyone see the front of the Radio Times last week? Very odd. Almost pornographic in fact – a union of woman and beast that really shouldn’t be allowed.

6.40 Wild:The Natural World: Yellowstone America's Sacred Wilderness 7.30 Snooker 9.00 FILM:The Ice Storm ‘Awesome, really great,’ blathers Film Desk. Cheers.

10.50 Rex the Runt 11.00 Rock Profile Spoof music chat show. Jamie Theakston meets up with Lee and H from Steps, the enigmatic Chemical Brothers, and Welsh legends Tom Jones and Shirley Bassey. Brilliant! Watch this!

11.30 Correspondent:The Boys From Brazil 12.15 To Be Announced 12.30 Snooker 2.00 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.15 ITV News; Weather 6.30 Pop Idol Ant and Dec start the search for the nation's next pop idol, to be chosen by ITV viewers with help from judges Nicki Chapman, Dr Fox, Simon Cowell and Pete Waterman.

Oh God, what a dreadful idea. This kind of thing could turn a person to drink.

Cheers! Don’t mind if Ido. 7.30 Coronation Street Eve waits for news of Linda as Mike's car is pulled from the river. Dev and Geena throw an engagement party. Yeah, whatever – but we’ve got free drink. Who wants a fight?

8.00 Buried Treasure 10.00 2DTV Before I forget – I haven’t dissed Jamie Oliver yet this week so, for good measure, he’s a fattongued, messy-lipped cunt.

10.10 ITV Weekend News 10.25 Tarrant on TV Apparently this was going to be called Tarrant With A Television until someone pointed out that the acronym was ‘twat’. True story.

10.55 The South Bank Show 12.15 F1: Japanese Grand Prix Highlights 1.15 The Web Review 1.35 Dance 2000 2.30 Trisha 3.25 Judg e Judy 3.45 Cybernet 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

7.30 Y Sioe Gelf 8.00 Dechrau Can u Dechrau Canmol 8.30 Llwybrau Paul 9.00 Amdani 9.55 Newyddion News 10.10 FILM:Alien Resurrection 12.15 Battle of the Robots the Hunt for AI 1.15 WWF Heat 2.05 Talking with Aliens 3.00 Alien Contact 4.00 FILM:It! The Terror from Be yond Space

7.00 5 News and Spor t 7.30 Motorsport Max Oh, some bloke called Max drives a car quite fast or something. I don’t know.

8.00 The Mole Game show which challenges a group of ten people to perform an array of tasks, while a saboteur – the titular mole – tries to prevent them from succeeding. First rule – look out for an actual mole, with fur and everything. Big giveaway.

9.00 FILM:Legionnair e Action adventure with JeanClaude Van Damme about a French playboy forced to join the Foreign Legion after an affair with a gangster's moll.

‘Never seen it, but there’s nothing on so I’d probably watch it,’ sighs Film Desk despondently.

10.55 Murder Detecti ves: Case Files: Death Grip 11.55 Polter geist:the Legacy Drama series about a secret society that battles supernatural forces. Angeline kidnaps Derek's sister and lures him into an elaborate trap in an attempt to gain eternal life. Hmm, Derek’s not a very supernatural name, is it? Geliant would be better. Or Satan. Or...sorry.

This wine is really rather good though.

12.50 US Major League Baseball

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I imagine most of you have cable or satellite so you will have seen this already but there’s no reason not to watch it again.

Even if you hate Jamie Theakston, and many

CH4.As S4C except:6.05 Bagpuss 7.40 CatDog 8.05 Investigators 8.30 One World 9.00 T4:Blunt a.t.t.p.9.30 T4: Popworld 10.30 T4: Hollyoaks 12.00 T4: FANatic 12.30 T4: Model Behaviour 1.40 Alien Contact 2.45 FILM:It! The Terror from Be yond Space 4.00 Talking with Aliens 5.00 Star gate SG-1 5.55 Scrapheap Challenge 7.00 Extinct:The Irish Elk 7.30 Channel 4 News 8.00 Untold - An Indian Affair: Brief Encounter 9.00 Elizabeth:The Virgin Queen 10.00 FILM:Alien Resurrection 12.05 Football Italia – La Partita 1.05 WWF Heat 1.55 The Chequered Flag 2.50 TVR Tuscans P owerTour 3.15 Goodwood Motor Revi val Meeting 2001 4.10 World Offshore P owerboating Championship 4.35 Aviemore Street Luge 5.00 Countdown 5.45 Bagpuss

people do, Matt Lucas and David Walliams (yes, it’s spelt like that) impersonate a range of musical celebrities with, at the same time, the sort of accuracy and inaccuracy that will leave you falling about on the floor begging for more. Well, okay – that’s a wild exaggeration, but it’s about time something got the big-up in these pages rather than a slating.

So, yeah, watch this and cheer yourself up.

0 8.1 0.0 1

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY STUDENTS’ UNION PRESENTS/ ADLONIANNAU UNDEB MYFYRWYR PRIFYSGOL CAERDYDD YN CYFLWYNO

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12 • Focus

gair rhydd 2001-2002

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Want to help?

Want to get your name in gair rhydd? Come along to our meetings in the office on the 4th floor of the union. They’re at 1.15pm on Monday for News, Sport and Features, and at 2.15pm on Wednesdays for GRiP.

Gair Rhydd Monday 8 October 2001

PC on your PC Students are often easy targets but a new website aims to help you ensure you’ re not the next victim.

Rebecca Pash meets the copper responsible.

Y

OU COULD , in many w ays class uni versity as a crazy , rollercoaster ride lesson entitled ‘how to be an adult’…if that makes an y sense. The thing is that it is a transitional period,a learning process which means you’ re not supposed to get it right. Freshers ha ve just flown the nest, second y ears are experiencing the ups and downs of moving into pri vate accommodation whilst third and f ourth years are proba bly still trying to cope with the ups and downs of living a way from home .

All are likely to agree that whilst relishing the freedom, independence, fun and excitement of the big wide world beyond the cosy confines of home sweet home, the accompanying responsibilities and pressures of looking after yourself are far from easy. Which is why at university help is never far away.

May I introduce PC Bob, Cardiff University’s resident superhero who is at hand to help you with the biggest responsibility of all; looking after number one. I apologise now if you’re looking for someone to take on cooking and cleaning duties. PC Bob ‘aint the man to sort out your dirty dishes but he can help if you’re in a bit of a pickle of the unsavoury sort and more importantly help you stop landing yourself in it in the first place. That is, as the victim of crime.

PC Bob has provided an invaluable link between university students and the police service for seven years but recently his role in looking after students has become even more closely tied to the university. PC Bob now has his own office on the third floor of the union and will be available every Thursday if you need to talk to him.

Maybe you have concerns over safety, maybe you want to report a crime, maybe you’ve witnessed something suspicious…tell Bob. He has also launched a new website, which he hopes to update up to twice a week informing students of crimes in the area that may directly or indirectly effect them. These services hope to help students become far more involved, active and vigilant in the fight against crime, ensuring their safety and that of neighbours.

The thing is that (and I hate to have to say this) most students are not half as

Contact us Address Gair Rhydd Cardiff University Students’ Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN Telephone Editorial – (029) 20781434/436 Advertising – (029) 20781416 E-mail ssugr1@cf.ac.uk Visitors Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

Most students are not half as streetwise as they think the y are...vigilance is not exactly the student forte

BOB: Crime and computer literate

streetwise as they think they are and as a result often become unsuspecting and naïve victims of illegal activity. Try for a minute (and only a minute, please) to adopt the corrupt mindset of the average criminal and you can probably see why the student is a logical target. Whether it be our fresh from the nest naivety, our carelessness in pursuit of pressing student pastimes or the hungover daze we tend to wander around in, vigilance is not exactly the student forte. I’m sure I’m not the first to admit that I have on occasion been known to rush out to the pub or a lecture without checking all doors are locked and windows shut.

But also think about the house or halls your living in. Unlike the average house, student accommodation is likely to have more than one tv, computer and stereo. In other words, rich pickings and it’s not brain science to work out that Friday and Saturday nights will hardly find students tucked up in bed. These factors combined mean that most students will know or come to know someone who has been the victim of crime whilst at university.

I’ll stop here because I have no business in scaremongering. Cardiff is generally a very safe city to live in compared with other major cities, which is a great bonus for students wanting to party into the wee small hours. Security cameras cover every square inch of the city centre, which has acted as a major deterrent causing levels of crime to fall quite dramatically. On an average Friday or Saturday night forty thousand people will pack the city centre’s licensed premises yet on such nights only ten to fifteen people are likely to be arrested for drunken offences. An initiative by Cardiff City Council means that in order to get their licence pubs and clubs can only use doormen who hold a valid licence. This is like a driving licence system whereby the doorman will receive points if they act inappropriately.

As for the campus, huge investments

in security have meant that Cardiff University is amongst the safest in the country.

Security cameras are widespread and campus staff are all on a radio-net system which means they are in direct contact with the police who can allocate resources within minutes of being contacted.

Freshers and all those that have lived in halls will not have failed to notice the cameras, fences, i.d. passes and security officers on patrol that make residences a reassuring breeze to live in during your first year. However, then follows the big step into private rented accommodation, which will most likely to take the form of a three to six bedroom house located in the student ghetto that is Cathays.

Being almost entirely populated by students Cathays makes an obvious target for crime. Rich pickings coupled with the fact that most student houses (unlike halls) are likely to have the most basic locks and security measures installed due to tight fisted landlords doing things on the cheap.

Yet Cathays is not necessarily an unsafe place to live and measures are being taken to make students ever safer.

Doubled manpower at Cathays police station has meant that more policemen are out on patrol. Over the past two

years burglaries in the area are down 50% and car crime down 30% and these figures look set to reduce further. Next year a scheme endorsed by the Council and backed by the union will mean that landlords can become part of an accredited list by securing their properties to set minimum levels.

Cardiff, Cathays and the university campus are extremely safe places to live, work and play. Cathays Police Station looks after approximately 25,000 students yet since we’ve returned there have only been a handful of crimes reported.

One such theft involved a bicycle being lifted over the top and stolen from the tiny ‘No Waiting’ sign it had been chained to. Now, if the dunce that owned the bike had been a little more aware of the potential risk and thought a moment or two about where he was chaining his bike he’d probably be hopping on it today.

With a little more care and vigilance you can stop yourself becoming the victim. It’s called crime prevention.

Take the time, make the effort, check out the website, talk to PC Bob, turn on the lights, shut the windows and lock the door on crime.

WANTED PC Bob is currently looking for students to take part in regular line ups. This pays £10 a time and no worries, you won’t get nicked! If your interested or want to speak to Bob about anything else his office is on the third floor of the union , ask at Student Services. He is there on Thursday afternoon .

Or you can e:mail PC Bob on communitypolice@cf.ac.uk Or check out the w ebsite at WWW. cardiffs tudents . com/ content/ police

Gair Rhydd Monday 8 October 2001

Focus • 14

DOLLY WOOD

On March 3 1969, the United States Navy established an elite school for the top one percent of it’s pilots. Its purpose was to teach the lost art of aerial combat and to ensure that the handful of men who graduated were the best fighter pilots in the world. They succeeded. Today, the Navy calls it Fighter Weapons School. The flyers call it...Top Gun. In this scene, training isn’t going too well for Maverick, the young and often irritating young fighter pilot and his co-pilot, that bloke from ER. Cast in order of appearance: Maverick (Tom Cruise) - Pikachu Goose (Anthony Edwards) - Chick Wolfman (Barry Tubb) - Bagpuss Hollywood (Whip Hubley) - Darth Maul Cmdr. Mike Metcalf (Tom Skerritt) - Pig

PRE-TRAINING BANTER

I feel the need...

Hey Maverick.

Heard about Ice? What’s that?

THE NEED FOR SPEED!

He’s won another one.

Really?

MAVERICK GETS AN EARFUL

Maverick, It’s not your flying. It’s your attitude. The enemy’s dangerous but right now you’re worse than the enemy.

That was some of the best flying i’ve seen yet.

Right up to the point where you got killed. You never leave your wing man...

AIR CONTROL: “Gentlemen, this is Hot 19. Multiple aircraft, multiple bogeys. Your training is half over.

The competition for the Top Gun trophy remains tight. First place IceMan. Second place Maverick, just two points behind...”

Great balls of fire!

AFTER THEY LOSE IN TRAINING That was stupid. I know better than that. It will never happen again.

You’re dangerous and foolish.

Whose side are you on?

JUSTIN GYPHION

He rocks my world

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I

t was a sunny 1 October morning, the start of the next academic year. I was filled with excitement (oh, the irony!) about the lectures that were to come. It was on that same sunny morning that I made a complete prick of myself. Those of you who know me may think this is a regular occurrence, but that is beside the point.

Let me assure you that being the idiot who sits in the wrong lecture theatre until the lecturer enters and says something like ‘this is a lecture on contract law – those of you who should be somewhere else should probably leave now’, accompanied by the walk of shame in front of numerous first years, is certainly a new experience for me.

Having partially recovered from this embarrassing episode I have managed to find comfort in the fact that it is not just me that makes an arse of himself in public. Following a good trawl of the internet, I have stumbled across still more law related bloopers and blunders, many of which take place in the courtroom itself.

Having just started family law myself, I find this example particularly relevant. A lawyer asked a male doctor who was in the witness box, ‘Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?’ to which the doctor replied ‘The young lady is pregnant, but not as a result of my examination.’ It becomes steadily more clear that lawyers can be extremely stupid.

The following little excerpt from an American case gives the perfect illustration:

LAWYER: ‘When was the last time you saw the deceased?’

WITNESS: ‘At his funeral.’

LAWYER: ‘Did he make any comments to you at this time?

The day that a dead man can speak at his own funeral will probably be the day I die. But lawyers do seem to have a habit of asking questions related to death with the aim of creating a comedic response. One lawyer asked a witness ‘Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?’ to which the doctor replied, ‘All of my autopsies have been on dead people.’

Having done my bit of slandering the legal profession and highlighting how daft lawyers can be, I think a redress of the balance is necessary. I was particularly amused by a recent story, where a Training Department Sergeant was enjoying a holiday. Whilst walking along the street he heard a woman scream and saw two men snatch her handbag and race from the scene. Being the dutiful bobby he was, he set off in pursuit and managed to floor the men. However, the local TV company were not very happy at having to re-film the Crimpestoppers reconstruction of the robbery.

Before I leave you, I’d just like to make a brief observation - is it me, or are there literally hundreds of law students compared to the number there used to be? It seems nearly everyone new I meet studies law – I reckon that at the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more lawyers than humans.

N EWS

Gair Rhydd Monday 8th October

Focus • 15

Non-Sabb

Word on the liberation campaigns

Closet Wars

How hard can it be to admit it to yourself, your family and friends that you are gay? James Knight tells us what it was like for him to come out...

I

BELIEVEthat we are all shaped by our experiences. The people we are no w, and the people we will become . This is life. However, I also belie ve that there is one experience that is truly unique to lesbian, gay and bisexual people.

An experience that no one outside of that position can e ver truly understand, or even successfull y empathise with. That is coming out.

At some point in their lives, on whatever level, every single LGB person will have to come out. What do I mean by ‘whatever level’? Well, there are several stages that every person passes through on the way to eventual ‘outhood’. And, regrettably, not everyone reaches the last stage. We need only look to older generations to see how people often live in denial, only to come out when the pressure of living a lie becomes unbearable; George Michael and Michael Barrymore, just to name a few.

As strange as it might seem, the first stage of coming out is to yourself and this is often the hardest stage, and the stage that many people never fully achieve. Almost every LGB person realises fairly early on in life that they feel some level of attraction towards members of the same sex. This is not the problem. The difficulty comes in actually ascribing the label ‘lesbian’, ‘gay’, or ‘bisexual’ to themselves.

It might sound odd but that small word has enormous implications for the rest of that person’s life, and often people would rather try and deny themselves than face the arduous task of coming out.

If people manage to admit it to themselves as, I’m very pleased to say, more and more people are, then they generally move on to the next stage, telling someone else. It might take years, but eventually it will happen. Often, people will call anonymous phone lines, and come out there. Some areas have drop-in centres where people can come for impromptu listening (rather than counselling).

But generally, people confide in the person closest to them, or the person they perceive will act the most favourably. This can be a best friend, or even a slightly removed family member like an aunt or uncle.

By this point there will be a noticeable change in the person involved. I don’t mean that they will have become a militant LGB

campaigner, or that they will insist on wearing pink. I mean that they will be happier. They will have more confidence. They will feel like it actually is possible for them to live a normal life. They will stop using ‘gay’ as an insult, unlike most of their peers. They will probably take an interest, whether publicly or privately, in politics that affect LGB people.

They will be happier.

They then enter the third almost honeymoon stage, where they are comfortable with their circumstances, and have the support of, by now, probably a few people. However, eventually this period has to end, and the

“My father’s image of gay men was men who went around shouting ‘look at me!’ wearing pink and spreading aids”

process of coming out must be continued. On the horizon is outhood and acceptance. But first there are two more obstacles.

The next stage for many people is to come out to their parents. This, for most LGB people is the hardest thing that they will ever have to do in their lives. Even if their parents react favourably at the time, it is still an incredible emotional and physical drain. It’s like doing an eight hour workout at the gym, and resitting all of your A Levels at the same time. It is never easy. And for some people, it is conceivably, for them at least, impossible. I have spoken to one person whose parents are Muslim. When he eventually came out to them, they took him on a pilgrimage, and at Mecca begged Allah to remove his sin and madness. I know of someone whose parents

COMING OUT: There is help avaliable to you are conservative in every sense of the word, and when she came out to them, they forced her to go and see a psychiatrist.

It is never easy. But it is necessary. When I told my parents, by the things that they said at the time, which, frankly, were quite painful, I never thought that I’d ever have any sort of relationship with them again. With the passage of time, however, things have changed. In fact, I am closer to my parents now than I ever was, simply because before there were secrets between us, and now we are totally open and honest with each other.

Moreover, my relationship with my father has improved tenfold. Before, he suspected that I was gay. He didn’t understand it. He blamed himself, wondering what he’d done wrong, what he’d done to deserve a gay son.

There are two things that people forget when they Come Out. Time and exposure, luxuries afforded to you, and not the people you are coming out to. What I mean by that is that you have known that you were gay (or lesbian, or bisexual) for a long time, probably years by the time you get around to coming out to your parents. Similarly, you have, as a result, known at least on person who is LGB (i.e. Yourself). The people you Come Out to have not had this luxury, and may not have ever met another LGB person.

To be honest, it’s asking a lot for someone to change the way they think about you in the space of seconds, especially when they might not be in a position to understand what you are asking of them.

My father had only ever seen gay people on the television; gay people on the news every time there was a Pride march, and the entertainers, like Julian Clary and Boy George. My father’s image of gay men was men who went around shouting ‘look at me!’ wearing pink and spreading aids. You can imagine that when his son came out to him, he was upset. He thought that I was all those things. He realised (or, rather, thought) that he would never have any grandchildren from me, and was worried about me on both health and social levels. Would I contract HIV-AIDS? Would people ever accept me?

I say all of this because I perceive my parents’reactions to be fairly typical; not ideal at first, often painful, but with time getting much, much better. My father now understands that I’m not gay through choice,

that it’s not a phase and that I don’t just need to find the right woman – typical responses of parents in denial. He acknowledges that I face difficulties because of other peoples’ reactions to my sexuality, rather than because of my sexuality itself, and that there is a whole lot more to me than just my sexuality. He knows, after I sat down and gave him some information, that the chances of my contracting HIV-AIDS are about the same as a heterosexual person, with the added benefit that there is a 0% risk of unwanted pregnancy (unlike my brothers).

The final stage of coming out? After coming out to your parents, you’ll probably find that coming out is never difficult again, even to people it really should be – people you live with in halls, people on your course, your lecturer, your work-mates. In short, the rest of the world. I won’t say that the reactions you get will always be what you hope for. I won’t lie and say that you will never be on the receiving end of homophobia, or prejudice, or queer bashing, or whatever. But you will, at least, be emotionally equipped to deal with this, and will have the support of many friends, and your family, and probably other gay and bisexual people in the same situation as you.

Monday, October 8th is National Coming Out Day. There will be a stall in the reception of the Union all day, where you can get information on how to come out, as well as information on how to act if someone tells you that they are gay. There will also be coming out karaoke in Buffers (Solus) that night, where we are looking for people to either come out as LGB, or come out as a karaoke addict. There will be prizes, and there will be lots of out and proud LGB people just dying to sing ‘Heaven Is A Place On Earth’.

If you have any questions regarding sexuality, your own or someone else’s, drop into the Union, on the third floor any time (if I’m not there leave a message and I’ll get back to you). Alternatively you can phone the LGB Phone Line on Mondays between 19:30 and 21:00.

CONTACT DETAILS E-mail: KnightJ2@cardiff.ac.uk or Tel: 02920 398903

KEEP IT CLEAN One of the main concerns in the community is litter and trash created everyday by senseless or misinformed individuals. This affects everyone, and is not only destroying the environment but also poses serious health risks. It goes without saying that a clean environment is a healthy environment, and should be sort by all.

Be a GOOD NEIGHBOUR and ensure that trash and litter are properly stored in designated areas in the community e.g. provided waste bins.

Furthermore, black bags should not be used to litter the streets.

Put them out on the pavement on the designated day of removal for your area e.g. by 7.15am on Wednesday mornings for Cathays.

To find out about black bag removal days for your street, free collection of unwanted furniture or appliances, and the Council’s Pest Control Division, call the Cardiff Council Cleansing Department on: 029 2077 5533

LET’S ALL CONTRIBUTE TO KEEPING CARDIFF CLEAN. PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO REGISTER ON WWW.CARDIFFSTUDENTS.COM

Riverside needs male volunteers to work in a challenging inner city after school club for Sikh kids.

Home and Away works with primary school kids that have mild learning difficulties. Go bowling or swimming, have some fun!

Fitzallan High School works on the national curriculum with 11-15 in a local high school. Ideal experience for those looking to teach.

Out and About works with teenagers with learning difficulties on fun activities. All you need is a sense of fun, hours and times are flexible.

To join the biggest society in the union, with socials and attitude to match, cum and find us on the third floor of the SU or telephone 20 781510 to find out more.

Prifysgol Cymru Abertawe Adran Addysg

University of Wales Swansea Department of Education

Just finishing your degree?

Fancy a Starting Salary of £17,000 Would You Like To Teach?

The Department of Education, the largest in Wales, has vacancies for a September 2002 start, on the following Post Graduate Certificate in Education (PGCE) teacher training courses at Primary and Secondary level.

• Biology

• Chemistry

• Design and Technology

• English

• Geography

• History

• I.T.

• Mathematics

• Modern Languages

• Physics

• Welsh

All Secondary subjects command a training and teaching grant ranging from £6,000-£10,000 depending on subject.

Please note that 50% of our students live in Cardiff and train in our Cardiff partner schools during this course.

The qualifications obtained from this course are valid throughout Europe. You will receive two qualifications - the PGCE and Qualified Teacher Training Status (QTS) from the Department for Education and Employment.

Students may gain accreditation towards a Masters Degree in Education (M.Ed.) during the PGCE. Telephone: 01792 518673 for a prospectus or visit our website at: www.swan.ac.uk/education

The DfEE have announced that students on PGCE courses will be exempt from their contribution towards the tuition fees.

1 8 ● S por t

gair rhydd,Monday 8 October 2001

Magnificent seven hundreds GR NOSTALGIA/To celebrate our 700th issue, this week Michael Pearlman and Nick Harrison look back at seven great sporting hundreds, from a plethora of different sports. From Mark Butcher to Matthew Le Tissier, we hope you enjoy our focus on these memorable tons.

Linford Christie 1992

Matthew Le Tissier

TEN SECONDS is a very small space of time in the general scheme of things.

But it was long enough for Linford Christie to make history.

On a sultry August evening Christie sprinted his way to Olympic gold in the 100m, becoming the oldest man to take the crown.

In a discipline that demands the absolute peak of physical condition, it was a prodigious achievement for a 32-year-old whose best years were apparently behind him.

Christie had cruised through the heats in Barcelona, but he was by no means a shoe-in for the title.

As the eight men lined up, the Catalan crowd fell silent.

But as they took to their blocks, a hand was raised in

lane three. American Dennis Mitchell, one of Christie’s fiercest rivals, was choosing the Olympic final as an occasion to play a few mind games. He was to be rewarded with bronze.

Amid the shenaniga n s , Christie remained calm.

His legendary tunnel vision was being tested to the limit.

Eventually they got off, and in a blur it was over. Christie was the fastest man on earth.

Critics pointed to the absence of Carl Lewis, the finest athlete of his generation.

A year later he too was vanquished at the Wo r l d Championships in Stuttga rt .

Christie had proved himself to be a true giant of his sport, at an age when many thought to write him off. An inspiration.

Tottenham Hotspur 1981

WHEN SUE Barker challenged John Parrott on A Question of Sport recently to name all the footballers who had scored 100 goals in the Premiership, the predictable names were correctly answered: Shearer, Ferdinand, Sheringham.

Then he was stumped.

Matthew Le Tissier. Parrott seemed surprised. It strikes one as mildly curious that Parrott should forget, simply because the vast majority of Le Tissier’s goals are so wholly, and so wonderfully memorable.

Matthew Le Tissier is a footballer who can surely stand alone in more ways than one.

The flair with which he plays the game is phenomenal.

remaining, the inquisitive Gar th Crooks bought the scores le vel.

Six minutes later a legend was born.

Ricky Villa the Argentinian, who had been in tears after his substitution in the first game , added to his earlier strike in astounding fashion.

Villa picked up the ball outside the area, danced past Tony Caton, weaved past Ra y Ranson bef ore cruelly beating Caton again and then slotting past the hapless Joe Corrigan.

Spur s had won the centenary FA Cup Final and poor John Motson, w ent supersonic about the wonder goal from Villa.

“Villa, he can really sta b them, he’s going all the w ay, what a fantastic run, he’s scored!”

His unstinting loyalty to relatively unfashionable Southampton is virtually unheard of.

Every fan has their favourite ‘Le Tiss’ goal, but perhaps the most memorable is his effort against Blackburn Rovers that was named ‘Goal of the Season’.

Jinking this and that way, he bedazzled countless Rovers defenders before exquisitely lobbing then England keeper Tim Flowers with the most breathtaking precision.

Le Tissier is now entering the twilight of his career, but just for the romantics among us, scored the last ever goal at the Dell and the end of last season.

British Lions 2001 116 pts vs. W Australia

THE MODEST nature of the opposition dictate that in spite of the 116 points that the Lions rattled up in their opening tour match against Western Australia, this performance will ne ver be remember ed as one of the greats.

But it will for ever stand as a testament to a tour that promised so much b ut delivered relati vely little .

The Lions ran in 18 tries, including three for Scott Quinnell who seemed to r evel in his role as the fulcrum of a pack that was shaping up promisingl y.

Forwards such as Vickery, Morris and Grewcock all displayed signs that they could make an impact in the test series.

Luger, the flying wing er, flew home injured after a heroic showing. His injury was a bitter blow to the Lions.

From such a thunder ous start, the Lions proceeded on to win the First Test on that memorable night in Brisbane , but ev entuall y ran out of steam as the W allabies claimed their first series win.

Perth was all but a distant memory , as the Lions came home losers once mor e.

Ronnie O’Sullivan 1997

173* Ashes fourth test

SOME COMMENTATORS have criticised Australia’s stand-in captain Adam Gilchrist for making a declaration in the Fourth Test that was too attacking.

But as he rightly pointed out himself, how could he have foreseen that one man was to step forward and play the innings of his life.

Particularly a man who at the start of the summer, discarded by his country, was even struggling to get into his county side.

A summer that had promised so much for a resurgent England side, had quickly subsided into utter abject misery.

A winless triangular one-day series with Australia and Pakistan was swiftly followed up by a humiliating failure in the quest to regain the Ashes.

As England came up 138 runs short after their first innings, it appeared that a familiar tale was being played out once again.

However, poor weather

RONNIE O’SULLIVAN was a man in the doldrums.

Mentally exhausted and psychologically unstable, the player known as ‘the Rocket’ had come within a whisker of being expelled from the 1996 World Championships for an assault on a tournament official.

O’ Sullivan, regarded by many as one of the most naturally talented players to have graced the baize, was on the brink of discarding his considerable gift.

However, having searched deep within himself, O’Sullivan drew back from the edge and a rr ived at the 1997 World Championships a more resolute figure. The Rocket was about to go into orbit.

In the first round O’Sullivan had been drawn against Mick Price, his game was strewn with errors and at one point Ronnie trailed 4-3.

Although O’Sullivan rallied to lead 8-5, an expectant crowd had yet to be satisfied by they had come to see. They were becoming restless.

A mere five minutes later, the atmosphere had changed.

O’Sullivan had proceeded to clear the small matter of 15 reds, 15 blacks and six colours in little over five minutes.

Displaying absolutely inconceivable verve, Ronnie played at the most extraordinary tempo, hardly pausing to weigh up his options.

It was the fastest maximum break on record, and O’Sullivan had chosen to biggest stage to achieve it.

That moment was the launch pad from which the Rocket set forth to become World Champion, a feat he finally accomplished earlier this year, typically in scintillating O’Sullivan fashion.

conditions on the Sunday forced Gilchrist’s hand, and he declared the Australians second innings leaving England 311 runs to score on the final day to secure an improbable victory.

The odds were lengthening as Trescothick and Atherton were cheaply dismissed on a bouncy pitch. McGrath and Gillespie seemed to be on the verge of edging the tourists ever closer to that historic whitewash.

Heroism is an essentially ephemeral feature of sport, but that Monday in Leeds Mark Butcher came closer than most to encapsulating it.

Faced with a seemingly insurmountable mountain to conquer, Butcher systematically dismantled the finest bowling attack in the world in a flurry of flashing blades and dynamic strokeplay.

Ably supported by Hussain and Ramprakash, Butcher scored 173 not out to steer England to a victory that will stand out as one of the most thrilling ever.

Quixall Crossett

147 Break:Crucible

100th FA Cup final

FOR MANY years the F A Cup Final has ended in disappointment for the neutral, with dour f ootball and pr edicta ble scorelines becoming common place .

The 1981 FA Cup Final w as certainl y an exception to this rule.

Indeed, the 100th FA Cup Final may well be the greatest ev er.

After the first game ended in a 1-1 dr aw, with Tommy Hutchison famously scoring at both ends, the two sides replayed on a Thursday in front of a sell out Wembley crowd of 92,000.

Both sides began in scintillating fashion, each scoring inside the first ten minutes. Despite constant Spurs pressur e, it was City who took the lead in the second half when Reev es converted from the spot after a disputed incident.

With twenty min utes

Mark Butcher 2001

100 Premiership goals

Olympic 100M Final

100 Straight losses

THE MOST rousing of cheers greeted w onderhorse Quixall Crossett as he retur ned to his stable at Southw ell on an emotional Sunda y at Southw ell racecourse in July.

A packed grandstand r ose as one acclaim an extraor dinary triumph.

A phenomenal media frenzy ensued to catch a glimpse of one of the nation’s favourite hor ses.

Quixall Crossett had just booked his place in the annals of racing history: to stand beside such equine luminaries as Red Rum, Desert Orchid, and Sherg ar.

For Quixall Crossett had just reached an outstanding landmark: one hundr ed straight losses.

By heroically pulling up at the fifth fence, Quixall Crossett became the f irst

horse in British racing to achie ve such a feat, the pinnacle of a sparkling 11year car eer.

QC has endeared himself to thousands of r acegoers over the country with his star tling displays of ineptitude .

Never has any hor se shown such unerring consistency over the jumps: one can only marvel at the sheer bravery of a horse faced with such innate incompetence .

After the glory of Southwell, came the bombshell. Quixall Cr ossett retired from r acing .

It is under standa ble that a hero of his magnitude should want to bow out at the top.

It would be truly heartbr eaking to witness his career plumb the depths and actuall y win a r ace.

S por t ● 1 9

gair rhydd,Monday 8 October 2001

J om e c’s crown up for

grabs as IMG kicks off IMG PREVIEW Chris Wathan

Season of hell awaits Devils CARDIFF DEVILS Matthew Greenhill IT WAS nearly five months ago when the future of the Cardiff Devils Ice Hockey team looked precarious.

Since then, very little has changed with the club forced to drop down a division from the Super League to the British National league and subsequent clashes between the Devils’ owners and fans.

Aside from their political conflicts, the Devils have made a slow start to their season with three losses and only a single win, which has found them placed a lowly ninth in their new league.

The current Devils team barely resembles the successful outf its of the nineties who gained both super league and cup triumphs.

At the opening game of the season there were more fans protesting outside the National Ice Rink than those inside watching the Devils play.

The fans discontent is primarily aimed at the franchise owners Brian Candy and Bob Phillips who are seen as being responsible for the downfall of the Devils.

Former Devils Assistant Manager, Owen Jenkins, typif ies the discontent surrounding the club. “What they (the fans) are against is the present owners, who in the space of a few months have harmed the good name of the most successful Welsh professional team over many years”.

Ironically more Devils fans went to see their former heroes play for their new teams, than those who watched the Devils go down to Hull Thunder at the National Ice Rink.

This is a situation that every Devils fan knows cannot continue if the club is to regain the prestige and the respect that they once held amongst Ice Hockey’s elite.

The Devils next play Milton Keynes at the court of the kings on Saturday October 6 but will travel with a new player-coach in Mark Hazelhurst.

“I am very excited at the prospect of working with the devils and turning them into a major force In FPNL hockey”.

The problems on the rink certainly need addressing, but Cardiff first need to sort out their difficulties away from the Ice House, as disgruntled fans become more passionate, longing for a return to the previous years of glory.

FRESHL Y POLISHED boots, a fistful of Jive tickets and the lingering aroma of Lucozade and liniment; it can mean onl y one thing - the return of the IMG. The Univ ersity’ s InterMur al Games netw o rk kicks off in earnest ne xt week, hoping to put last year’s troubles behind it whe re weather and format changes took the gloss off an otherwise excellent season.

New chairs Laur a Welsh and Hifzur Rahman will hope to maintain the unbeata ble experience of the IMG w here freshfaced f irst years and veteran seniors are united in their quest f or championship glory .

One man who knows all about such success is Nabil Hassan, who last year lead his Jomec side to a first IMG football triumph and put an end to Carbs’ three year domination.

Pipped at the post in

previous years, Jomec finall y realised their dream in 2001, losing just one match along the w ay.

But a new season means a clean slate and the journalists will come face to face with sev eral teams looking to snatch their shield away, w hen the draw for the forthcoming season tak es place on Thursda y in the Great Hall.

Pretender s to the cro wn include the r e c e ntl y dethr oned Carbs A and last y e ar’ s pre mi e rs hi p outf its Law A and Engin A. Division One champions Chemsoc will also look to push for honours w hilst UWC IV will hope to improve on what must be regarded as a disappointing finish f or them last time around.

Welsh is hoping that new de velopments off the field will help the IMG flourish after last y ear’s hiccups. “We are r eally excited about this y ear’s games and think they will be the best y et. We are looking to get departments to take a more acti ve role in the sides that represent them, whilst we hope offers of refereeing and umpire courses are taken up to add a touch of professionalism to the fixtures”.

Brecon Carreg have been unveiled as league supporter s and social events are alr eady being planned to bring teams

closer to gether.

Meanw hile a website is under construction w hich enables all teams to advertise training, fixtures and their own social events.

The chairs have also promised better use of the student media ser vices available to give the hundr eds of IMG competitor s some muchdeserved recognition.

A squash league is also being set up to rival the thr ee traditional tournaments with matches taking place on a Sunday and costing £25 to enter a side.

On the rugby front, Engineering will be hoping to put last year’ s disappointment behind them to r elinquish Carbs A’s grasp on the title whilst some twenty teams will do battle for netball honours.

SQUASH: New IMG addition

CARBS A: Team to beat

Flynn out as Welsh clubs wield the axe MANAGER SPECIAL Pete Samson JUST SIX weeks into the new season and football’s managerial merry-go-round is already in full swing.

September has seen a mass managerial cull - with Leicester’s Peter Taylor being the most high profile casualty and all of Wales’ football league clubs mixing up their managerial staff.

Brian Flynn has left Wrexham after a successful 12 years in charge, establishing a decent second division side, a respectable achievement for a small North Wales club.

During that period Flynn has seen Cardiff and Swansea plough through a ridiculous 25 bosses between them - and yo-yo between the second and third divisions.

“When that statistic was brought to my attention it came as a real eye-opener” said Flynn.

“I have since worked out that the average term for a manager at a Premiership or football league club is 20 months.

“To think, under those circumstances, I lasted 12 years is a feat I am really proud of.”

Only 12 months after Alan Cork took over at Cardiff - and just five months after leading them to promotion to division two - sections of supporters and the media are calling for his head.

Ian Atkins, Cork’s number two, has already seen time called on a dismally short tenure at the club.

However, Cork’s close friendship with chairman Sam Hammam should mean he is granted something that most bosses are denied - loyalty.

Swansea have sacked Dave Hollins just one year after he won them the division three championship with well respected supremo and ex-Athletico Madrid boss Colin Addison taking over the reigns for the Swans.

But reputation counts for nothing

in football if you don’t gain results as Peter Taylor’s sacking on September 30 proved. This time last year Taylor was sitting proudly at the top of the Premiership with September’s manager of the month trophy in hand.

He then took charge of England for a friendly against Italy. Making Beckham captain was a surprisingly inspirational decision and his short stint was a success despite the narrow 1-0 defeat in Turin.

But a poor run at the end of last season threw away their Christmas third position. When Bolton destroyed them 5-0 on the opening day of the new campaign the Leicester board were already drawing up a shortlist of successors.

Even nice-guy Taylor took a swipe at football’s fickle boards: “I’m not doing anything differently from 12 months ago. I’ve not changed. I’m the same person.

“I was told to my face, by a man I cannot name, that my job was in jeopardy after losing our opening two matches”.

FLYNN: Out

1 8 ● S por t

gair rhydd,Monday 8 October 2001

Magnificent seven hundreds GR NOSTALGIA/To celebrate our 700th issue, this week Michael Pearlman and Nick Harrison look back at seven great sporting hundreds, from a plethora of different sports. From Mark Butcher to Matthew Le Tissier, we hope you enjoy our focus on these memorable tons.

Linford Christie 1992

Matthew Le Tissier

TEN SECONDS is a very small space of time in the general scheme of things.

But it was long enough for Linford Christie to make history.

On a sultry August evening Christie sprinted his way to Olympic gold in the 100m, becoming the oldest man to take the crown.

In a discipline that demands the absolute peak of physical condition, it was a prodigious achievement for a 32-year-old whose best years were apparently behind him.

Christie had cruised through the heats in Barcelona, but he was by no means a shoe-in for the title.

As the eight men lined up, the Catalan crowd fell silent.

But as they took to their blocks, a hand was raised in

lane three. American Dennis Mitchell, one of Christie’s fiercest rivals, was choosing the Olympic final as an occasion to play a few mind games. He was to be rewarded with bronze.

Amid the shenaniga n s , Christie remained calm.

His legendary tunnel vision was being tested to the limit.

Eventually they got off, and in a blur it was over. Christie was the fastest man on earth.

Critics pointed to the absence of Carl Lewis, the finest athlete of his generation.

A year later he too was vanquished at the Wo r l d Championships in Stuttga rt .

Christie had proved himself to be a true giant of his sport, at an age when many thought to write him off. An inspiration.

Tottenham Hotspur 1981

WHEN SUE Barker challenged John Parrott on A Question of Sport recently to name all the footballers who had scored 100 goals in the Premiership, the predictable names were correctly answered: Shearer, Ferdinand, Sheringham.

Then he was stumped.

Matthew Le Tissier. Parrott seemed surprised. It strikes one as mildly curious that Parrott should forget, simply because the vast majority of Le Tissier’s goals are so wholly, and so wonderfully memorable.

Matthew Le Tissier is a footballer who can surely stand alone in more ways than one.

The flair with which he plays the game is phenomenal.

remaining, the inquisitive Gar th Crooks bought the scores le vel.

Six minutes later a legend was born.

Ricky Villa the Argentinian, who had been in tears after his substitution in the first game , added to his earlier strike in astounding fashion.

Villa picked up the ball outside the area, danced past Tony Caton, weaved past Ra y Ranson bef ore cruelly beating Caton again and then slotting past the hapless Joe Corrigan.

Spur s had won the centenary FA Cup Final and poor John Motson, w ent supersonic about the wonder goal from Villa.

“Villa, he can really sta b them, he’s going all the w ay, what a fantastic run, he’s scored!”

His unstinting loyalty to relatively unfashionable Southampton is virtually unheard of.

Every fan has their favourite ‘Le Tiss’ goal, but perhaps the most memorable is his effort against Blackburn Rovers that was named ‘Goal of the Season’.

Jinking this and that way, he bedazzled countless Rovers defenders before exquisitely lobbing then England keeper Tim Flowers with the most breathtaking precision.

Le Tissier is now entering the twilight of his career, but just for the romantics among us, scored the last ever goal at the Dell and the end of last season.

British Lions 2001 116 pts vs. W Australia

THE MODEST nature of the opposition dictate that in spite of the 116 points that the Lions rattled up in their opening tour match against Western Australia, this performance will ne ver be remember ed as one of the greats.

But it will for ever stand as a testament to a tour that promised so much b ut delivered relati vely little .

The Lions ran in 18 tries, including three for Scott Quinnell who seemed to r evel in his role as the fulcrum of a pack that was shaping up promisingl y.

Forwards such as Vickery, Morris and Grewcock all displayed signs that they could make an impact in the test series.

Luger, the flying wing er, flew home injured after a heroic showing. His injury was a bitter blow to the Lions.

From such a thunder ous start, the Lions proceeded on to win the First Test on that memorable night in Brisbane , but ev entuall y ran out of steam as the W allabies claimed their first series win.

Perth was all but a distant memory , as the Lions came home losers once mor e.

Ronnie O’Sullivan 1997

173* Ashes fourth test

SOME COMMENTATORS have criticised Australia’s stand-in captain Adam Gilchrist for making a declaration in the Fourth Test that was too attacking.

But as he rightly pointed out himself, how could he have foreseen that one man was to step forward and play the innings of his life.

Particularly a man who at the start of the summer, discarded by his country, was even struggling to get into his county side.

A summer that had promised so much for a resurgent England side, had quickly subsided into utter abject misery.

A winless triangular one-day series with Australia and Pakistan was swiftly followed up by a humiliating failure in the quest to regain the Ashes.

As England came up 138 runs short after their first innings, it appeared that a familiar tale was being played out once again.

However, poor weather

RONNIE O’SULLIVAN was a man in the doldrums.

Mentally exhausted and psychologically unstable, the player known as ‘the Rocket’ had come within a whisker of being expelled from the 1996 World Championships for an assault on a tournament official.

O’ Sullivan, regarded by many as one of the most naturally talented players to have graced the baize, was on the brink of discarding his considerable gift.

However, having searched deep within himself, O’Sullivan drew back from the edge and a rr ived at the 1997 World Championships a more resolute figure. The Rocket was about to go into orbit.

In the first round O’Sullivan had been drawn against Mick Price, his game was strewn with errors and at one point Ronnie trailed 4-3.

Although O’Sullivan rallied to lead 8-5, an expectant crowd had yet to be satisfied by they had come to see. They were becoming restless.

A mere five minutes later, the atmosphere had changed.

O’Sullivan had proceeded to clear the small matter of 15 reds, 15 blacks and six colours in little over five minutes.

Displaying absolutely inconceivable verve, Ronnie played at the most extraordinary tempo, hardly pausing to weigh up his options.

It was the fastest maximum break on record, and O’Sullivan had chosen to biggest stage to achieve it.

That moment was the launch pad from which the Rocket set forth to become World Champion, a feat he finally accomplished earlier this year, typically in scintillating O’Sullivan fashion.

conditions on the Sunday forced Gilchrist’s hand, and he declared the Australians second innings leaving England 311 runs to score on the final day to secure an improbable victory.

The odds were lengthening as Trescothick and Atherton were cheaply dismissed on a bouncy pitch. McGrath and Gillespie seemed to be on the verge of edging the tourists ever closer to that historic whitewash.

Heroism is an essentially ephemeral feature of sport, but that Monday in Leeds Mark Butcher came closer than most to encapsulating it.

Faced with a seemingly insurmountable mountain to conquer, Butcher systematically dismantled the finest bowling attack in the world in a flurry of flashing blades and dynamic strokeplay.

Ably supported by Hussain and Ramprakash, Butcher scored 173 not out to steer England to a victory that will stand out as one of the most thrilling ever.

Quixall Crossett

147 Break:Crucible

100th FA Cup final

FOR MANY years the F A Cup Final has ended in disappointment for the neutral, with dour f ootball and pr edicta ble scorelines becoming common place .

The 1981 FA Cup Final w as certainl y an exception to this rule.

Indeed, the 100th FA Cup Final may well be the greatest ev er.

After the first game ended in a 1-1 dr aw, with Tommy Hutchison famously scoring at both ends, the two sides replayed on a Thursday in front of a sell out Wembley crowd of 92,000.

Both sides began in scintillating fashion, each scoring inside the first ten minutes. Despite constant Spurs pressur e, it was City who took the lead in the second half when Reev es converted from the spot after a disputed incident.

With twenty min utes

Mark Butcher 2001

100 Premiership goals

Olympic 100M Final

100 Straight losses

THE MOST rousing of cheers greeted w onderhorse Quixall Crossett as he retur ned to his stable at Southw ell on an emotional Sunda y at Southw ell racecourse in July.

A packed grandstand r ose as one acclaim an extraor dinary triumph.

A phenomenal media frenzy ensued to catch a glimpse of one of the nation’s favourite hor ses.

Quixall Crossett had just booked his place in the annals of racing history: to stand beside such equine luminaries as Red Rum, Desert Orchid, and Sherg ar.

For Quixall Crossett had just reached an outstanding landmark: one hundr ed straight losses.

By heroically pulling up at the fifth fence, Quixall Crossett became the f irst

horse in British racing to achie ve such a feat, the pinnacle of a sparkling 11year car eer.

QC has endeared himself to thousands of r acegoers over the country with his star tling displays of ineptitude .

Never has any hor se shown such unerring consistency over the jumps: one can only marvel at the sheer bravery of a horse faced with such innate incompetence .

After the glory of Southwell, came the bombshell. Quixall Cr ossett retired from r acing .

It is under standa ble that a hero of his magnitude should want to bow out at the top.

It would be truly heartbr eaking to witness his career plumb the depths and actuall y win a r ace.

S por t ● 1 9

gair rhydd,Monday 8 October 2001

J om e c’s crown up for

grabs as IMG kicks off IMG PREVIEW Chris Wathan

Season of hell awaits Devils CARDIFF DEVILS Matthew Greenhill IT WAS nearly five months ago when the future of the Cardiff Devils Ice Hockey team looked precarious.

Since then, very little has changed with the club forced to drop down a division from the Super League to the British National league and subsequent clashes between the Devils’ owners and fans.

Aside from their political conflicts, the Devils have made a slow start to their season with three losses and only a single win, which has found them placed a lowly ninth in their new league.

The current Devils team barely resembles the successful outf its of the nineties who gained both super league and cup triumphs.

At the opening game of the season there were more fans protesting outside the National Ice Rink than those inside watching the Devils play.

The fans discontent is primarily aimed at the franchise owners Brian Candy and Bob Phillips who are seen as being responsible for the downfall of the Devils.

Former Devils Assistant Manager, Owen Jenkins, typif ies the discontent surrounding the club. “What they (the fans) are against is the present owners, who in the space of a few months have harmed the good name of the most successful Welsh professional team over many years”.

Ironically more Devils fans went to see their former heroes play for their new teams, than those who watched the Devils go down to Hull Thunder at the National Ice Rink.

This is a situation that every Devils fan knows cannot continue if the club is to regain the prestige and the respect that they once held amongst Ice Hockey’s elite.

The Devils next play Milton Keynes at the court of the kings on Saturday October 6 but will travel with a new player-coach in Mark Hazelhurst.

“I am very excited at the prospect of working with the devils and turning them into a major force In FPNL hockey”.

The problems on the rink certainly need addressing, but Cardiff first need to sort out their difficulties away from the Ice House, as disgruntled fans become more passionate, longing for a return to the previous years of glory.

FRESHL Y POLISHED boots, a fistful of Jive tickets and the lingering aroma of Lucozade and liniment; it can mean onl y one thing - the return of the IMG. The Univ ersity’ s InterMur al Games netw o rk kicks off in earnest ne xt week, hoping to put last year’s troubles behind it whe re weather and format changes took the gloss off an otherwise excellent season.

New chairs Laur a Welsh and Hifzur Rahman will hope to maintain the unbeata ble experience of the IMG w here freshfaced f irst years and veteran seniors are united in their quest f or championship glory .

One man who knows all about such success is Nabil Hassan, who last year lead his Jomec side to a first IMG football triumph and put an end to Carbs’ three year domination.

Pipped at the post in

previous years, Jomec finall y realised their dream in 2001, losing just one match along the w ay.

But a new season means a clean slate and the journalists will come face to face with sev eral teams looking to snatch their shield away, w hen the draw for the forthcoming season tak es place on Thursda y in the Great Hall.

Pretender s to the cro wn include the r e c e ntl y dethr oned Carbs A and last y e ar’ s pre mi e rs hi p outf its Law A and Engin A. Division One champions Chemsoc will also look to push for honours w hilst UWC IV will hope to improve on what must be regarded as a disappointing finish f or them last time around.

Welsh is hoping that new de velopments off the field will help the IMG flourish after last y ear’s hiccups. “We are r eally excited about this y ear’s games and think they will be the best y et. We are looking to get departments to take a more acti ve role in the sides that represent them, whilst we hope offers of refereeing and umpire courses are taken up to add a touch of professionalism to the fixtures”.

Brecon Carreg have been unveiled as league supporter s and social events are alr eady being planned to bring teams

closer to gether.

Meanw hile a website is under construction w hich enables all teams to advertise training, fixtures and their own social events.

The chairs have also promised better use of the student media ser vices available to give the hundr eds of IMG competitor s some muchdeserved recognition.

A squash league is also being set up to rival the thr ee traditional tournaments with matches taking place on a Sunday and costing £25 to enter a side.

On the rugby front, Engineering will be hoping to put last year’ s disappointment behind them to r elinquish Carbs A’s grasp on the title whilst some twenty teams will do battle for netball honours.

SQUASH: New IMG addition

CARBS A: Team to beat

Flynn out as Welsh clubs wield the axe MANAGER SPECIAL Pete Samson JUST SIX weeks into the new season and football’s managerial merry-go-round is already in full swing.

September has seen a mass managerial cull - with Leicester’s Peter Taylor being the most high profile casualty and all of Wales’ football league clubs mixing up their managerial staff.

Brian Flynn has left Wrexham after a successful 12 years in charge, establishing a decent second division side, a respectable achievement for a small North Wales club.

During that period Flynn has seen Cardiff and Swansea plough through a ridiculous 25 bosses between them - and yo-yo between the second and third divisions.

“When that statistic was brought to my attention it came as a real eye-opener” said Flynn.

“I have since worked out that the average term for a manager at a Premiership or football league club is 20 months.

“To think, under those circumstances, I lasted 12 years is a feat I am really proud of.”

Only 12 months after Alan Cork took over at Cardiff - and just five months after leading them to promotion to division two - sections of supporters and the media are calling for his head.

Ian Atkins, Cork’s number two, has already seen time called on a dismally short tenure at the club.

However, Cork’s close friendship with chairman Sam Hammam should mean he is granted something that most bosses are denied - loyalty.

Swansea have sacked Dave Hollins just one year after he won them the division three championship with well respected supremo and ex-Athletico Madrid boss Colin Addison taking over the reigns for the Swans.

But reputation counts for nothing

in football if you don’t gain results as Peter Taylor’s sacking on September 30 proved. This time last year Taylor was sitting proudly at the top of the Premiership with September’s manager of the month trophy in hand.

He then took charge of England for a friendly against Italy. Making Beckham captain was a surprisingly inspirational decision and his short stint was a success despite the narrow 1-0 defeat in Turin.

But a poor run at the end of last season threw away their Christmas third position. When Bolton destroyed them 5-0 on the opening day of the new campaign the Leicester board were already drawing up a shortlist of successors.

Even nice-guy Taylor took a swipe at football’s fickle boards: “I’m not doing anything differently from 12 months ago. I’ve not changed. I’m the same person.

“I was told to my face, by a man I cannot name, that my job was in jeopardy after losing our opening two matches”.

FLYNN: Out

Sport

SEVEN UP: GR Sport celebrates our 700th issue with 7 great tons

Gair Rhydd

PLUS: Full IMG preview inside Free Word 700!

Monday 8 October 2001

Welsh RFU clubs shine in Europe RUGBY UNION CARDIFF RFC NORTHAMPTON RFC

25 17

Chris Wathan

Cork stands firm after dour draw BLUEBIRD CHECK CARDIFF CITY HUDDERSFIELD

1 1

Nabil Hassan from Ninian Park

THE PRESSURE on Bluebirds boss Alan Cork continued after another dour performance against surprise table-toppers Brighton and Hove Albion.

The recent poor performances of his City side had led to the sacking of assistant manager Ian Atkins in mid-week, with many speculating that Cork would soon follow with Dave ‘Harry’ Bassett being tipped as a potential successor.

Cork is certainly under pressure to change the long ball tactics that for seventy-f ive minutes brought moans from the Ninian Park faithful.

It wasn’t until the introductions of Leon Jeanne, Jason Bowen and Andy Legg with only 15 minutes of the game remaining that City started to play decent attacking football.

The impact of the trio was immediate with each of them playing a part in the goal that rescued City an unlikely point.

Jeanne broke down the wing beating several players before laying the ball off to Andy Leggwhose pinpoint cross was met by the head of Jason Bowen.

Bowen’s header remarkably rebounded off the post but Paul Brayson was on hand to tap it into an empty net.

Cardiff looked out of sorts for much of the match with Albion’s first half goal being a great example of the lack of communication and continuity throughout the side.

A hopeful punt forward by Cullip should have either been cleared by defender Rhys Weston or collected by keeper Neil Alexander.

Instead, Weston attempted a bizarre headed backpass that looped over Alexander.

To be fair to the Scottish keeper he did well to race back and scoop the ball off the line, only for unmarked Albion striker Bobby Zamora to slot home into the open goal.

The two goals were the only real action in a poor match contested by on this evidence, two very average sides.

Albion have an excuse as they have spent very little money this

summer. However, Cardiff have spent millions and the football currently being played at Ninian Park is simply not good enough and does not justify the amount of money that has been spent by Sam Hammam.

The Bluebirds have relied on Robert Earnshaw for far too long and his absence through injury has revealed Cardiff to be a far less imposing outfit than many Division Two managers would have expected.

However, Cardiff City manager Alan Cork seems both unconcerned with both his side’s performances as well as his own predicament insisting that his side, ‘is playing well’and that he

‘is going nowhere.’

Although he would not reveal it Cork will certainly be glad to see the back of his number two Ian Atkins who it seemed he never really had a decent working relationship with.

City manager Cork insists he wants his team to play football, which is why he has brought in p l ayers such as Graham K avanagh, Leanne Jean and Des Hamilton.

Atkin’s on the other hand was clearly a fan of long ball football and his departure will be greeted with cheers rather than tear’s from the Bluebird’s faithful, who are becoming increasingly impatient.

GOAL: Bowen’s header was turned home by Paul Brayson

Graham Henry is at it again. No sooner had the ‘great redeemer’ returned to these shores from Oz on a w ave of criticism and contr oversy than plans for a lifeline are being thr own to the Welsh clubs by the conniving Kiwi.

But the clubs Henry wishes to sa ve seem to be perfectly capa ble of succeeding in Europe on their own.

The Welsh coach’s proposed f ive super clubs would replace the qualifiers as we know them, mirroring the pr ovincial system used in the southern hemisphere and, more recentl y, in Ireland and Scotland.

However, Cardiff simply b lew away Northampton in a bruising encounter at the Arms Park, in a match in which the final scoreline pr oved decepti ve.

It might ha ve been a truer reflection of the play had Cardiff ’s Nicky Robinson impr oved on the two out of seven penalty g oal opportunity’s that came his w ay.

But what the virtuoso f ly-half lacked in kicking ability he made up for in open play as he combined ruthlessly with Rob Howley to deny the Saints any real grip on the game .

Howley was simply outstanding in his first real test since the Lions disappointment and once again defeated Dawson in their personal scrum-half duel.

Ali Heefer’s try then g ave the game some bite in the dying stages but former rugb y league legend Anthon y Sullivan sealed the victory after f ollowing up hooker Andrew Lewis’s powerful run to wards the line .

Shane How arth upstaged r etur ning Lion Jonny Wilkinson as the gr annyg ate victim produced an exceptional performance to help Newport turn o ver the Newcastle Falcons on their own patch.

Both Llanelli and Bridgend looked good in defeat against holders Leicester Tigers and Harlequins respecti vely.

The Scarlets came closer than most at Welford Rd and will be looking for r evenge in the return match.

Bridg end too can be heartened in their European debut against seasoned opponents.

Meanwhile Swansea – who under the ne w proposals would be mer ged with local ri vals Neath – chalked up three points ag ainst Edinburgh to make it three wins out of f ive in a tricky weekend of European rugb y.

On the basis of these displays, maybe Mr Henry should focus his attentions on the up and coming r earrang ed six nations match against Ireland rather than attempting to disturb the fabric of Welsh club rugb y.

Indeed, after the poor showing by the Lions this summer, coupled by the public criticism of Henry by Matt Dawson and Austin Healey, many are starting to question the ability of the authorati ve and dour Kiwi.

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