Thursday
Oct 31 - Nov 6 2005
Page
27
courtneylove@myarse.com
19.00 Demob Happy Interviews with the ‘we-didn’t-mean-to-really’ members of the perpetrators of the Birmingham riots. Rustle some feathers? Me? 20.00 The World 20.30 Mind Games 21.00 Tales from the Palaces 21.30 Fact or Fiction: Days That Shook the World 22.30 The Thick of It George Bush realises he’s made a complete tit of himself since he’s locked himself out of the Whitehouse. In this episode he has to go and ask ‘a poor’ to break in through the back window for him. 23.00 QI 23.30 Demob Happy 24.30 Tales from the Palaces The White Witch from Narnia reveals all in this ‘warts and all’ documentary. Life with men who have goat hair on their legs, living through perpetual winter and that unfortunate ailment of turning every man you sleep with to stone. Allegedly an insight into the female orgasm too. 01.00 Fact or Fiction: Days That Shook the World 02.00 The Thick of It 02.30 Mind Games 03.00 Tales from the Palaces 03.30 Fact or Fiction: Days That Shook the World 04.30 Close
6.00 GMTV2. 9.25 60 Minute Makeover. 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy. 12.25 The Jeremy Kyle Show. 1.30 Airline USA. All Shapes and Sizes 2.00 Coronation Street. (Shown Monday on ITV1) 2.30 Emmerdale. (Shown yesterday on ITV1) 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show. 3.50 Trisha. Another chance to see a classic episode. Their words, not mine. I’ll leave it up to you to judge whether this truly is a classic. 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.45 Judge Judy. 7.00 3rd Rock from the Sun. My Daddy's Little Girl Er...incestuous porn on this early? Surely this isn’t the only way to improve ratings? Well it’s certainly captured TV Desk’s imagination. 7.30 Spin City. The Commitments 8.00 Honeymoons from Hell. 9.00 FILM: The Beach. (2000, Drama) 11.15 Hell's Kitchen USA. 0.15 3rd Rock from the Sun. My Daddy's Little Girl 0.45 Big Game TV Fat people chased through cemetaries a la Hard Target so they can fucking lose some weight. 3.00 Teleshopping. Shopping
6:00 Morning Glory 7:00 Morning Glory 8:00 Wake Up With Athlete 9:00 Freshly Squeezed Tunes 10:00 Whatever... You Want 11:00 Whatever... You Want 12:00 Celebrity Threesome 1:00 Hijacked By Danni Minogue 2:00 Scrubs: My Life In Four Ceras 2:30 Scrubs: My Roommates 3:00 Playing It Straight Usa 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One With The Paediatrician 5:30 Friends: The One With The Sharks 6:00 Scrubs: My Life In Four Ceras 6:30 Scrubs: My Roommates 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends: The One With The Paediatrician 8:30 Friends: The One With The Sharks 9:00 One Tree Hill: Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking 10:00 The Simple Life: Interns 10:30 Massive Balls Of Steel 11:00 Spoons 11:30 Spoons 12:00 Queer As Folk 1:05 One Tree Hill: Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking 2:00 Massive Balls Of Steel 2:30 Spoons 2:55 Spoons 3:20 Queer As Folk 4:10 Playing It Straight Usa 4:55 Fool Around...With My Girlfriend 5:20 Fool Around...
Rolie Polie Olie 07.00 Funky Valley 07.05 Bird Bath Just be sure not to youch them afterwards or else you could be dead. Don’t believe me? Read the Daily Mail? 07.15 Roobarb and Custard Too Don’t...even...think..you...bastard...replacing...cunts. 07.25 The Adventures of Bottle Top Bill and his Best Friend Corky 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.15 Peppa Pig 08.25 Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends 08.45 Hi-5 09.20 MechaNick 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Trisha Goddard 11.30 five news 12.00 Home and Away 12.30 BrainTeaser 13.30 Film: Chuka 15.30 Film: The Big Valley: Explosion Plans for Rhondda Valley then? 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Built for the Kill: Predators of the Deep 19.45 Football (Live) (UEFA Cup: Bolton v FC Zenit St Petersburg) 22.00 House 23.00 Old Enough to be his Mother: Hidden Lives A man’s obsession with a 16 year old girl from Salford. If only she’d been to the GUM Clinic when she was 14. 24.00 John Barnes' Football Night As good a show as eating rusty nails and then shitting them out only to find you’ve caught AIDs from the rips in your colon in addition to the maggots oozing from your penis as a result of the latter-stage syphilis contracted from watching Jeremy Kyle earlier in the morning. 24.40 UEFA Cup Football 02.10 Dutch Football 03.40 Portuguese Football 05.10 Argentinian Football
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PRIMETIME
Friends: The One Where Chandler Can't Remember 8:00 Just Shoot Me: Puppetmaster 8:30 Will & Grace: Swimming From Chlamidia 8:55 Frasier: Chess Pain This is actually a factual series about the symptoms of bird flu. Better watch it you hypercondriac. 9:25 3 Minute Wonder Just leave my ejaculation problems alone. Please, you’re giving me a complex: The Homeless World Cup 9:30 Sweet Sixteen 9:55 Sweet Sixteen 10:20 Quit: Dog End 10:25 Last Rights 11:10 Tate Modern: Objects In Odd Places 11:15 Re-Writing History: What If Guy Fawkes Had Blown Up Parlient? 11:20 Tate Modern: Outside In 11:30 Deadsville 11:55 Tate Modern: World War I 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Coach Trip 1:00 Celebrity Life Skills: Baby 1:10 The Long Ships Premiere Wide 3:30 Countdown 4:15 Deal Or No Deal 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons: Lady Bouvier's Lover 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 Rory Peck Awards 2005 8:00 The F Word Flange, fuck, facaetious, foible, filch, farts, fromage, foilage, farm. 9:00 Wanted: New Mum And Dad 10:00 Misery Wide 12:00 Kumbh Mela: Nell's Story 1:05 4play: Burt Bacharach 1:15 Bollywood Firsts: Ab Tak Chhappan Premiere Wide 3:55 3 Minute Wonder: Compressed Lives: 4500: Some Children Wear No Shoes 4:00 3 Minute Wonder: Compressed Lives: 4500: I President Of My Dres 4:05 Dispatches: The Hurricane That Shed erica
PRIMETIME
12.30 ITV News1.30 Loose Women 2.15 A Brush with Fame. Wildcard Final 3.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 3.30 Pocoyo I think this is foreign. 3.35 Feodor. Thunderstorm 3.45 Blips. Movie Star 4.00 All Grown Up! 4.30 The Giblet Boys. No, We Do Have Bananas A duo named after all the shit from a turkey and also song about a market seller? Genius. 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Farewell Seth Before all you trendy, desperate OC watchers start crying into your Death Cab for Cutie poster, this has nothing to do with the one everyone fancies from that show. Honestly. I wish it was too. 8.00 The Bill 9.00 All About George 10.00 Mike Bassett: Manager 10.30 ITV News 11.00 Wales This Week 11.30 Soccer Night 0.00 Never to be Forgotten Yeah, again this show is a reference for my beautiful self. Somehow I’ve had a mention every week since my departure. The legend of TV Manners lives on. 0.30 Shoot the Writers! Sport, News and most importantly Ed-Op. 0.55 The Legend of Zorro - Behind the Mask It’s rather sweaty because the filthy wetback never washes behind said mask. How he manages to pull so much is beyond me. I mean, I’m wearing a dashing ladies scarf and nothing. 1.15 Providence. The Letter 2.00 Too Many Cooks 2.50 Cybernet 3.15 Motorsport UK
P R I M E T I M E
P R I M E T I M E
19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three which thankfully, after years of us telling the BBC it’s wank, have finally axed it. 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels Thankfully most of the little bastards I teach are great, although musically inept. Only a few little bastards to deal with and a swift kick to the nads sorts them out. There, just solved all of our schooling problems. 21.00 Who Rules the Roost? 22.00 EastEnders 22.25 Trauma Uncut 22.55 Trauma Uncut 23.25 Robbie Williams: Intensive Care This is where he will be once the entire member of the GR office have inserted the first pressing of his new album, with surgical precision, into his over inflated arsehole. Trip on that you bildge-warbling, piss-flap. 24.25 Funland Watched this last week and it was pretty good. Finally a show worthy of writing about. Ever since the demise of Desperate Housewives the pickings have been rather thin. 24.55 Who Rules the Roost? Manners, evidently. 01.55 Trauma Uncut 02.25 Trauma Uncut 02.50 The Brothers 03.50 Close
the end is surely shite. Avoid. 7:30 Raven 7:55 Newsround 8:00 Legend of the Dragon 8:25 CBBC Playlist 10:00 CBeebies: Cbeebies Birthdays: Lazytown 10:30 Pingu 10:35 Pingu 10:40 Pablo, the Little Red Fox The question is, who would win in a fight between Pablo and Fantastic Mr Fox? 10:45 Boo! 11:00 Trade Secrets 11:10 Meet the Ancestors 12:00pm: The Daily Politics 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Bowls: International Open 3:30 Flog It! Fresh from watching the film Secretary this show has a whole new meaning for me now. Here’s a fun game for you too, ask people their state of arousal after watching it, I’m sure you’ll be presently surprised. 8 out of 10 people in the office were positively dripping following the most recent screening. 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Eggheads 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two to have sex in the Xpress toilets. 7:00 The Culture Show 8:00 Restored to Glory TV Manners back behind his right and proper desk. Damn it’s good to be back. 9:00 Horizon 9:50 Underground Britain Populated by small rodents. 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 The Culture Show 12:20am: Bowls Extra: International Open Strange how they show this pinnacle of the sporting calendar so late in the day. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: GCSE Bitesize: English 1 - Macbeth 4:00 GCSE Bitesize: English 2 – Poetry
Your Union
6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 To Buy or Not to Buy 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Mind Your Own Business 11:30 Car Booty Featuring infamous wobbly arses as Beyonce Ford Transit, Jennifer Humvee, Lisa Megane and Michelle McManus (seriously, it’s a car) 12:00pm: Cash in the Attic 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Diagnosis Murder 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Lazytown 3:50 Pinky and the Brain what’s the plan tonight? Same thing we do every night, write drivel until the wee hours. 4:10 Best of Friends 4:40 The Batman 5:00 Byker Grove 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:00 BBC News and Weather 6:30 Regional News Programmes 7:00 Hotel on Sea Good for a laugh but what if you leave your car in the car park and the damn hotel floats off? Clearly a question that will plagure mankind for eons now. 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 Bleak House 8:30 The Queen's Cavalry 9:00 Spooks Like a bad smell, for one week only, Tv Manners has returned. Man you’re lucky people. I guess this means copious amounts of porn in the pictures then. Joy. 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 11:35 This Week 12:25am: Sign Zone: Panorama 1:10 Sign Zone: Hotel on Sea 1:40 Sign Zone: It Beats Working being on half term, away from annoying children. The amount of holiday teachers get is obscene, but of course I’m not complaining. 2:10 Sign Zone: Road Rage
P R I M E T I M E
Car Booty BBC2 10pm
BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGUThe Giblet Boys My Daddy’s Little John Barnes’ Football LAR PRICE & GET A 2nd ITV1 4.30pm Girl ITV2 7pm Night five 12am for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – 06.00 Titch 06.10 Old Bear 6:00am: Close 7:00 CBBC: 6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Jeremy 6:05 Making It: Lee Ties A Fly Looney Tunes 7:05 Trollz Any Kyle Show. What Happened 6:10 The Hoobs: Cows 6:35 The Stories 06.20 Franny's Feet DELIVERED! smell of her flange. Fnarr. 06.30 show with the letter z tagged on Next? 10.30 This Morning Hoobs: Shy 7:00 B4 7:30
06:10the Hoobs: Funny Faces 06:35the Hoobs: Cool 07:00b4 07:30friends: The One The Morning After 08:00just Shoot Me: A Spy In The House Of Me 08:30will And Grace: Ice Cream Balls 08:55celebrity Life Skills: Beast 09:00the Market 09:25life Stuff: From The Top 09:50the Deadly Knowledge Show 10:15hardeep Does... Family 10:40 Bricking It 11:30 crefyddau'r Byd Ail Iaith 11:45 crefyddau'r Byd Ail Iaith 12:00 news At Noon 12:30 planed Plant Bach 12:30 Hwre! Dyma Nodi 12:45 Barrug 13:00 Clwb Cleber 13:15 Water Stories 13:20 a Place In The Sun: Home Or Away 14:25 deal Or No Deal 15:15 countdown 16:00planed Plant 16:00 Crafwr16:25 Teledu Eddie 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00the Simpsons: Lady Bouvier's Lover 18:30hip Neu Sgip 19:00wedi 7 19:30newyddion 20:00pobol Y Cwm 20:25 dudley 21:00twrio 21:30a I Y O Gerdd Dant 21:40ydy Gwenno'n Gallu* 22:10darn O Dir 22:40bandit 23:10 blitz: London's Firestorm 01:15uk Music Hall Of Fame: The Who
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