Award-Winning Television
May 2 2005
Page 25
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This week’s paddle in the TV puddle: May 2 - May 8 2005
Frigging Frogs Fornicate For Frisky Flapper Tadpole time for Dr. Tatiana’s torrent of totally titilating, tawdry toad totty
HOT
ACRONYMS: Any two bit organisation can make itself sound infinitely more professional with the use of a wellplace acronym, e.g. Cardiff University Netball Team, or The Vindictive Dangerously Entertaining Shoddy Kunts. You get the idea.
SOAPS So we’re moving into polemic waters in Neighbours this week with the whole Boyd bullimia storyline. Ok, so it means we get to see more rippling muscle but it’s just not the same anymore. Sob, sob. More light-hearted tripe is provided by the Hollyoaks gang however as we see Tony being haunted by a poltergeist, complete with eerie music and moving vases in the background. Sooper dooper. Meanwhile, I’m sure loads is happening in Feastenders but It’s now been a grand five months since I saw an entire episode so haha, I cannee tell yee what goes on. Tsk. In the Archers however, Debbie has returned from France with a Gallic attitude (?) to life which she intends on using against her cheating husband, Simon.
Ahoy there me hearties, another week has passed in TV land and our eyes still haven’t turned square - our mothers were fibbing all along. Therefore, we must continue to rot in front of the Box of Life, especially to watch this week’s pick, Dr Tatiana’s Sex Guide To All Creation (Monday, C4, 11.05pm) The world's first science musical describes the evolution of sex and explores the colourful sex lives of a menagerie of creatures - including penis-fencing marine flatworms and the beetle who has sex with her son and then eats him - and all set to music. Meet the ethereal, anciently asexual bdelloid rotifer (which hasn't had sex for millions of generations - yikes), the mite who copulates with all his sisters while he's still in his mother's womb, and the hermaphrodite slug that sometimes emasculates itself by eating its own penis. Estupendo! Dr Tatiana demonstrates that you don't need sex to reproduce (the rotifer is not alone: lots of creatures clone themselves) and often sex doesn't look like much fun (the male green spoon worm is 200,000 times smaller than the female; who says size doesn't matter?). The programme explains why sex evolved and why we don't like mating with our close relatives. (Tatiana obviously hasn’t been to Chard, Cornwall, Hereford or up here at TV Desk) Songs include The Trouble with Sex , The Hermaphrodite Song , Strangely Familiar and Coz I Can. M i s s this at
TV Desk’s Revision Guide So with everyone positively shaking in their boots at the prospect of exams, or more importantly, finals, we lovely folk at TV Desk have decided to provide you with your very own revision guide. And yes, you can cut this out and stick it within eyeshot of your ‘revision desk’. 1. Right, let’s get things straight. First year exams mean fuck all so just do enough revision to pass. If you’re doing your finals, you’re going to be disappointed. I’m sorry but it’s a fact of life. 2. Buy a bumper pack of Pro-Plus and nescafe ‘caffiene extreme’. If all else fails (and in all honesty it probably will) you can fuck your brain up on 500% of your daily high in one pill. 3. TV Desk’s favourite place to while away those precious hours of revision time is either gr Towers or the Trevithick cafe which TV John reliably informs me is open 24 hours. 4. Finally, and seriously, draw up enormous revision timetables (to waste enormous amounts of time) and make acronyms to help you learn.
NOT
PALINDROMES: Wow, Reuben, you’re like SOO clever calling your album Racecar is Racecar backwards. Telling people you know what this word means isn’t impressive. Anyone proud of possessing this knowledge is nothing but a stupid T I T. your peril! TV Willy here. My TV pickolata for this week is Andrew Neil’s brilliantly good daily political show The Daily Politics (BBC2 Weekdays). Despite sounding distinctly like it was named by Aristotle, Neil’s fantastically sexy Scottish accent (I wish I had one) is super when analysing the day’s politcal news. I also like the fact that in the non-election time when the show isn’t running on a daily basis, it’s still called The Daily Politics. Score. Right people, get out there and vote. Or (as P. Diddy Bop Pop would say) DIE!! The surprising show-of-themoment for me has got to be Hustle (Tues, BBC1, 9pm). For a BBC swish drama it’s not all bad. At least
it’s better than the rest of the shit on a Tuesday night (unless you’re down at UGC watching Donnie Darko). With it being 60 years since VE Day (for the children out there, that means the end of World War II in Europe) there are a shed load of war documentaires on throughout the week. To be fair, and to respect the dead and all that, you should probably watch at least one of them. Failing that, watch five for the alternative look at the war. You see, despite the controversial Papal article, I do have some respect for the dead! Finally, if you need something to soothe your brain after a short night out watch The Amityville Horror (Fri, BBC1, 11.45pm). Trashy horror at it’s best and not a decent plot line at any point. Fantastic. Another week of historical picks from Manners. What would you do without me?
DVDS TO RENT/BUY Predatory purple pervert perfectly pumps the pedals in pulsating Palladium playing presentation - PLEASE! This week we have The Phantom of the Opera released on DVD for your viewing pleasure. The most annoyinh thing about this film is its collosal length. When i was in the cinema I lost all feeling from the waist downwards which detracted from my enjoyment of the film somewhat. Impressive sets, Jennifer Ellison in a ‘serious’ role and posh singing do not a good film make. In fact, Brookside’s finest manages to look like she’s posing for a GQ shoot throughout. Buy it for your parents. If you want to watch something that’s actually decent, Garden State is also out this monday. TV Willy is possibly THE biggest fan of this film, so here he is to big it up: Yo yo. i must point out that while I am a big fan of Zach Braff’s masterpiece, the thing i really like about Braff’s film is Natalie Portman. She’s lovely. Also Garden State has the best soundtrack since Batman and Robin featuring The Shins, Iron & Wine, Coldplay, Frou Frou, Nick Drake and a whole host more. Admittedly not the best review I’ve ever done but it’s late and I want to go and do some more alliterations.
SPORT Sport Desk have reliably informed us that this week is the long awaited (well, I didn’t know about it) titanic clash between Liverpool and Chelsea in the Champions League Semi Final at Anfield (Tues, ITV1, 7.30pm). The winner will go on to play AC Milan or PSV Eindhoven. Can you tell I’ve got no idea what I’m talking about?
FILMS For the next nine weeks at UGC (in associated with gr) the most voted for films are being shown each Tuesday at 9pm. This week Donnie Darko: Directors Cut is being shown. The week after is Reservoir Dogs and 24th May is the one and only Ghostbusters. I’ll see you there.
RADIO TV Katie can actually talk with partial conviction about radio for the first time ever, due to her recent purchase of one of them digital thangs. Have been tuning in to a mixture of Classical Gold (Bonnie Tyler, Neil Diamond and Steve Winwood ahoy - yes!) and BBC 6 with Phill Jupitus and the gone but not forgotten Steve Lamacq. Everybody loves “Downtown” by Petula Clark, but do you know anything about else about her? No? Well me neither, but luckily, she’s recorded over twenty hours of interviews especially for Radio 2. Thats’s right, that’s almost a days worth of good old Petula. The best bits are condensed into four thirty-minute chats about her West End things you don’t really care about so long as she croons Oooh isten to the music and the traffic in the city. Radio 2 (Friday 6th 7pm)