Saturday
April 25 - May 1 2005
Page 35
ohmygodican’tbelieveit@i’veactuallyfinishedatvpage.woop
06.00 GMTV2 09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus Emily tries to keep up appearances, but she finally loses it and informs the entire Woolpack of Paddy and Viv's affair. Diane anxiously awaits her test results, but there's good news from the hospital. Val encourages Bob to go in for some record breaking. Doona discovers that Marlon's been lying. Despite knowing better, Louise succumbs to Matthew's charms. Paddy the pariah is helped out by Max. 12.10 Coronation Street Omnibus 15.00 Nanny 911 16.00 Cycling Highlights: LiegeBastogne-Liege 2005 16.30 CD:UK 17.30 To be announced 18.00 To be announced 18.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 19.00 Celebrity Fit Club USA 19.50 Movies Now The latest movie news and reviews. Featuring Ice Cube in XXX2: The Next Level; and a report on the Beverly Hills Film Festival with Goldie Hawn, Kurt Russell, Robin Williams and David Duchovny in attendance.
R
I
19.00 The DVD Collection 19.30 Rex the Runt (A Crap Day Out) Animated adventures with the intrepid Rex and his Plasticine friends. A bank holiday outing ends in disaster when the gang mistake a spaceship for a garden centre and are kidnapped by an alien plant pot named Gordon. Featuring the voice of Graham Norton. 19.40 Animation Nation Shorts 20.40 The O U Lecture 21.40 Hitler: The Discussion 22.10 Wallace and Gromit: A Grand Day Out 22.35 Animation Nation 23.35 Days That Shook the World (Archduke Ferdinand/Hitler's Suicide) Programme exploring those Scottish indie rockers and their involvement with the Nazi Party. Features exclusive footage of Alex Kapranos as a baby in Vienna, watched over by his loving Godfather, Adolf. 24.35 The O U Lecture 01.35 Hitler: The Discussion 02.05 Animation Nation 03.05 Days That Shook the World The day TV desk got home in time for GCSE Bitesize 04.05 Close
6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am Transworld Sport 8:00am The Morning Line 8:55am T4 9:25am T4: hit40uk 10:00am T4: Playing It Straight 11:05am Friends 11:45am T4 Movie Special: Hitch-hikers guide to the Galaxy 12:30pm Pure T4 1:00pm Point Pleasant 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 4:00pm Relocation, Relocation 5:00pm Property Ladder 6:00pm Morgan and Platell 6:30pm Channel 4 News 7:00pm Journey to the Centre of the Earth Hot, very hot. And long. I’d say it’d take about 14 hours if you follow the motorway. 9:00pm FILM Well that’s jolly nice, you want to tell us what film eh? Makes my life easier you know. 11:25pm TBA Bunch of indecisive cunts tonight aren’t you? 12:35am 4 Music: Empire Square: Richie Sells His Arse on ebay Kids used to get paper-rounds to make money now they sell their virginity online. Richie is about to find out exactly what his innocence is worth. Answer: about £3.75.12:40am 4 Music: Napster Live 12:55am 4MUSIC: Joss Stone Hits New York ‘Cause she’s like so urban man, like you can tell she’s really feelin’ it. Jeez, she doesn’t even wear shoes - mental! 1:50am 4Music: Morcheeba 2:00am 4Music: Popworld With performances from Faith Evans, Lil Jon and Freefaller and interviews with El Presidente and Willy Mason. 2:50am 4Music: hit40uk 3:15am 4Music: Empire Square 3:20am TBA 4:30am No 57: The History of a House 5:25am Cuntdown
2:00pm Switched 2:25pm hit40uk 2:50pm Hollyoaks Zara is horrified when her article on Jez is published after she told the printers to cancel it. Eurgh, why does Zara have such an arse for a face? EVERY single scene she’s in, she destroys with her screwed up expression, front teeth on display in eternal disgust. Tom won't go to school until he gets a dog. Tom on the other hand is completely adorable, such a top actor! 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm TBA Testicular Bubbles Ache 6:30pm TBA Turnip Breath Alert 7:00pm Smallville 8:00pm Friends 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm Playing It Straight 10:00pm Average Joe 11:00pm TBA Too Big Anus 11:30pm Father Ted 12:00am Father Ted 12:30am Porn: A Family Business 1:00am hit40uk 1:30am Playing It Straight 2:30am Average Joe 3:30am Line of Fire 4:00am Close
Rex The Runt BBC4 7.30pm
06.00 Sunrise 06.55 Bear in the Big Blue House Hmmm, is that what they call it these days eh? Filth. 07.20 Milkshake! 07.25 Ebb and Flo Go the tides. 07.30 Funky Valley 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 07.55 Rolie Polie Olie 08.30 Franklin 09.00 George Shrinks Fill, fill, fill, fill, fill, flange, fill, fill, fill, fill, wank, fill. 09.30 Beyblade 10.00 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 10.55 RAD - The Groms Tour America 11.25 Home and Away Omnibus 13.35 Film: Sword of the Valiant (1982, Adventure) 15.30 Film: Pee-Wee's Big Adventure (1985, Comedy) WOW!!!! What a film! Sorry, I’ve just bought shares in the exclamation mark! Can’t believe this was 1985. Can’t believe kids at uni in September were born in 1988 - yikes. I feel positively veteran. 17.10 Charmed 18.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 18.50 Film: "Three Men and a Baby" (1987, Comedy) 20.45 five news 21.10 CSI:NY 22.10 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 23.05 To be announced This sounds good, definitely stay in for this, I hear it’s smashing. 00.00 PartyPoker.com World Open Argh, Jesus it’s 2am and I’m still here. Woop. 01.30 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit 02.10 Film: "Blind Vision" (1990, Thriller) 03.35 Sunset Beach 04.20 The Invaders 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters So, who’s going to vote for Mr Beanie, in the UK Beanie Party in this year’s General Elections? I’m certainly tempted.
029 229977
PRIMETIME
M
E
T
I
M
E
6.00 GMTV. 9.25 MOM. 11.30 cd:uk. 12.30 ITV News; Weather. 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 12.40 San Marino GP2. 1.10 Planet's Funniest Animals. This week the meerkat battles it out with the rare and sometimes vicious Doyle. 1.30 Barbara. Sisters 2.00 Quincy, ME. Bitter Pill 3.00 Midsomer Murders. 5.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 5.15 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather. 5.30 Hit Me Baby One More Time. 6.30 Celebrity Wrestling. Saturday nights in just reached an all time low. 7.45 Celebrity Stitch Up. Did I just say Saturday night TV had reached an all time low? Well this is lower. This is fucking your mum, eating from the toilet bowl, Maroon 5-loving low. 8.15 Hit Me Baby One More Time Results. 8.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Ooh, I get my brand-spanking new hi-fi tomorrow with Digital Radio, ever so exciting. It’s currently in the depot in Splott but I’m too scared to pick it up from there as last time I visited the area I got asked for a gang bang by a group of prepubescent runts. Eurgh. 9.35 Hell's Kitchen. A kitchen full of cauliflower, mushrooms, strawberry icecream, baked beans, tripe and assortments of boiled offal. Eurgh. 11.05 ITV News. 11.20 FILM: Chaplin. (1992, Biopic) 1.45 The Magnificent Seven. Manhunt 2.30 cd:uk. 3.20 Entertainment Now! 3.45 Ja Rule in Profile. 4.10 Mixmasters. 4.35 Cybernet. 5.00 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Early Morning News.
P
PRIMETIME
PRIMETIME
19.00 Strictly Dance Fever on Three Zoe Ball catches up live with the dancers, judges and celebrity fans, fresh from the BBC1 main show as the couples wait to hear who the British public want out of the competition. Rewind there a bit - Zoe Ball? Who the hell? 19.45 Doctor Who Confidential (The Daleks) Simon Pegg narrates a behind-the-scenes look at the new series of Doctor Who, following the production team, writers and cast as they bring the Time Lord back to the screen. Trundling tanks of terror, armed with a sucker, a ray gun and a really bad attitude - it can only be the Daleks. Woop. 20.15 Farscape 21.00 The Real Little Britain 22.00 Strictly Dance Fever on Three 22.20 Film: Red Corner (1997, Thriller) 00.15 Doctor Who 01.00 Doctor Who Confidential 01.30 Surviving the Wave: a Thailand Story 02.25 Essential Top 50 The ultimate guide to popular culture. 03.25 The Heckler
6:00am: Breakfast. 9:00 Weekend 24. 10:00 Saturday Kitchen. 11:30 Ever Wondered about Food. Cheese. Chef Paul Merrett tackles some classic cheese recipes and reveals the scientific secrets of their success. He gives an Italian twist on the cheese fondue, the science behind making a great sauce to give an ultimate macaroni cheese, and what happens to ricotta when used for a cheesecake. We see how processed cheese revolutionised the lunchbox, why we associate port with stilton and find out why artisan cheese has become so popular. Yum, yum, yum this is gonna be yum. I love cheese I do. 12:00pm: World Snooker Championship. 12:50 See Hear. 1:35 Talking Movies. 2:00 FILM: The Nun's Story. (1959) 4:30 Escape to the Country. 5:30 Newsnight Saturday. 6:00 Flog It! 7:00 Private Life of a Masterpiece. 7:50 The Nazis: A Warning from History. 8:40 World Snooker Championship. 10:20 Have I Got News for You. 10:50 The Apprentice. 11:40 FILM: The Real Blonde. (1997) Underrated film starring TV Katie and TV Grace in a satirical insight into the life of the modern day whore. 1:20am: Joins BBC News 24. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Blue Haven. 2:30 The Information Society. 3:00 Risk. 3:30 The Nature of Impacts and Their Impacts on Nature. 4:00 The Challenge. 4:30 The Next Big Thing. Defying Death. 5:00 Truth Will Out. 5:15 Hollywood Science. 5:30 Ever Wondered? Constantly my friend.
M a k e Way For Noddy five 7.40am
Your Union
6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles. 6:20 Tikkabilla.6:50 Boo! 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes. 7:05 Tom and Jerry Kids. 7:30 Dennis the Menace. 7:55 Watch My Chops. 8:15 The Mummy. 8:35 The Fairly Odd Parents. 9:00 The Saturday Show. 10:30 Dance Factory. 11:00 Top of the Pops Saturday. 12:00pm: BBC News; Weather. 12:10 Football Focus. 1:00 Grandstand. 1:05 World Snooker Championship. 2:45 Around the Grounds. 2:50 World Snooker Championship. 3:45 Football Half-Times. 3:50 World Snooker Championship. 4:30 Final Score. 5:10 BBC News; Regional News; Weather. 5:30 Just for Laughs. My Thursday evenings up at gair rhdd towers. Purely for shits and giggles, honestly. 6:00 Strictly Dance Fever. 7:00 Doctor Who. Only watchable for its Cardiff street spotting joy, and to spot my mate as an extra. 7:45 The National Lottery 8:35 Casualty. 9:25 Strictly Dance Fever. 9:55 BBC News; Weather. 10:20 Match of the Day. 11:40 FILM: Critters. (1986) Hilarity and horror ensue when toothy, carnivorous aliens escape from their space prison, pursued by two merciless bounty hunters. When they reach the Kansas farmhouse of an allAmerican family, the humans do everything they can to fend off the critters, but they cannot free themselves of the ferocious outsiders. Professional TV Editor’s words and not mine. Humph. 1:05am: A Question of Sport. 1:35 Top of the Pops. TV John is officially TOTP following TV Katie’s definitive music quiz last week. I predict a top career at a successful record store. 2:05 Joins BBC News 24.
Funniest Animals ITV1 12.40am
PRIMETIME
Criminal Intent five 10.20pm
BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!
06:10 The Hoobs: Hoozleberry Blues 06:35 The Hoobs: Sir Iverlot 07:00 Transworld Sport 08:00 Morning Line 08:55 Time Team: Castleford 09:50 Scrapheap Challenge USA Special 11:20 Nokia Urban Music Festival With Prince’s Trust 12:20 Point Pleasant 13:10 The O.C. 14:00 Channel 4 Racing 15:55 Robinson Crusoe 16:55 Party Election Broadcast: The Conservative Party 17:00 Newyddian 17:10 Y Clwb Rygbi 19:25 Darllediad Etholiadol: Y Blaid Geidwadol 19:30 Newyddion A Chwaraeon “Oh my god I can’t believe it, I’ve never been in this office so long.” Ricky Kaiser Chiefs has re-penned his smash hit, just for gair rhydd’s hard sloggers still in the office at 3am. 19:45 Tipyn O Stad 20:15 Noson Lawen 21:15 The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring 00:30 Quest For The Ring 00:55 The 100 Greatest Kids TV Shows 04:25 Empire Square 04:30 KOTV 05:00 Close
STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 229977