Saturday
March 7 - 13 2005
Page 37
mark@awol.farm.er
E M I T E M
E M I T E M R
R P
I
6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 Transworld Sport 8:00 The Morning Line 8:55 T4: The Simple Life 9:25 T4: Freaky 9:45 T4: hit40uk 10:20 T4: One Tree Hill 11:20 T4: Friends 11:55 T4: Average Joe: Hawaii 12:55 T4: Fool Around With...My Boyfriend 14:00 Channel 4 Racing 16:20 FILM: The Count Of Monte Cristo (1975) 18:15 Morgan & Platell Gary’s idol, that twat from the Mirror, is back trying to claw his way from the gutter (re: The Mirror) into civilised society. Since no one with any sense of political persuasion watches this croc-oshit. 18:45 Channel 4 News 19:15 Immigration On Trial 20:15 The Queen’s Lost Uncle 21:15 Proof Of Life (2000) That film during which Meg and Russ got together. That’s the only positive thing TV Desk could come up regarding this film. It’s fucking awful and if you watch it, I’ll come over and personally see to it that your nails are ripped from your toes as you watch. 23:50 All I Want - A Portrait Of Rufus Wainwright As recommended by TV John and TV Willy. For all you O.C. fans out there, Rufus provided that version of Hallelujah at the end of the Series One finale.. Seriously, if you want to challenge me to the title of ‘O.C. Know-It-All 2005’ then step up now. The question for seeding in the championship is, ‘What is the name of the venue where the bands play on Newport Beach?’ 99.9% need not apply. 0:55 Nathan Barley 01:25 In The Company Of Men (1997) 03:05 The Luzhin Defence (2000)
P
PRIMETIME
06.00 GMTV2 09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.10 Coronation Street Omnibus 14.30 Holiday Airport - Orlando 15.35 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Mothers' Day Special 16.35 7's World Cup Legends One day there will be a show dedicated to the legends of the TV Desk Pool Tournament 17.05 cd:uk 18.10 18.35 Planet's Funniest Animals Sausage Dogs. 19.05 Nanny 911 20.05 Movies Now It’s good to see Keanu Reeves hasn’t been typecast in his new role in the film Constantine. The ‘Matrix goes medieval’ should be the slogan of the film. Looks an alright film even with Keanu’s wooden acting (the only acting he can do). 20.15 Celebrities Exposed: Big Spenders and Skinflints TV Desk falls into the second catagory. 21.15 FILM: Predator (1987) 23.20 Jordan and Peter - Laid Bare Peter was slowly suffocated by the cartoonesque body of Jordan. Haha, serves him right. 0.25 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 01.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 03.45 Teleshopping 05.45 ITV2 Nightscreen
6.00-9.25 Toonattik 9.25 MOM 11.30 cd:uk 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.40 Quincy, ME. Dead Stop 13.40 FILM: Doctor Zhivago (1965) 17.05 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.20 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.35 New You've Been Framed 18.05 Stars In Their Eyes 19.05 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 20.15 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 21.15 Acorn Antiques - the Musical Whatever happened to Acorns? I remember well that weird game with the badger crossing the road on the green screen. Ah, happy days. If anyone has any idea what I’m talking about, text the letters page (because we won’t read your mail unless it’s sexual). 22.15 Parkinson The definitive list of the person we would most like to interview: Hitler, Pinochet, Roland Rat, Editor Gary, Super-ted, Optimus Prime and the Pope. Notice the Thatcherist theme? We’re so Tory. 23.15 ITV News 23.30 FILM: Legal Eagles (1986) 01.35 Outrageous Las Vegas Weddings Including Britney and that loser. 02.30 cd:uk 03.20 Entertainment Now! 03.45 Dare to Believe TV Desk will finish before 3am, Doyle will stop spanking the News Monkey, Gary will stop watching said spanking, Talmage will stop his incessant posh phone voice and Electric Six will stop with the endless fucking repeats of Gay Bar. 04.10 Mixmasters 04.40 Cybernet 05.05 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News
19.00 Europe: A Natural History 19.50 Europe: A Natural History From my historical knowledge I’ll give you the lowdown: shit happens, we’re suffering the consequences. See, I’m really that good. 21.30 Europe: A Natural History 22.20 FILM: The Cuckoo (2002) The first attempt by the creator of that knobbing frog to break into the ringtone market. Thankfully, this installment was a total failure but with the remix of the frog, a film following the descent to fame is sure to be in the pipleline. 0.00 The Late Edition And no, this isn’t porn. 0.30 Death on the Staircase If I had my way I’d push the director of BBC4 down the stairs. It’s the only punishment I can see fit for creating, and running, such a piss poor channel. Shame on you! 01.20 Radio 3 Awards for World Music Let’s be fair, it’s not going to be world music is it, because it’s a classical station. Safe to say, the winners are going to be dead composers or the nerdy looking people who make up choirs (yup, that’s me). 02.50 WOMAD Willy Only Makes Andy Desperate. 2004 03.50 Close
Kylie Up Close five 1.30pm
14:00 Switched 14:25 hit40uk 14:50 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17:00 hit40uk 17:30 Friends 18:00 The O.C. 19:00 The O.C. 20:00 The O.C. 21:00 Brat Camp: What Happened Next? 22:00 X Rated: The Top 20 Most Controversial TV Programmes 23:05 X_Rated: The TV They Tried To Ban 0:40 Ali G In Da USAiii 01:15 Ali G In Da USAiii 01:45 Line Of Fire 02:35 X Rated: The Top 20 Most Controversial TV Programmes 03:40 Close I’m pleased to say I’ve been expanding my musical tastes. After getting my grubby hands on two dvds of John Peel’s Festive Fifty 1976 - 2003 (yup, every track from every Festive Fifty - over 2000 songs!) and subsequently filling my computer with lovely (legal) mp3s, I’ve been listening to a whole host of old classics. My favourite of the week has to be Lazy Painter Jane by Belle and Sebastian. Well I find it interesting and it fills up space on damn E4. If you want a copy of the dvds, they’re five quid. Come ask TV Manners. I’m very friendly in real life. In these hallowed pages I’m an utter bastard.
6.00 Sunrise 6.55 Bear in the Big Blue House 7.20 Mio Mao 7.25 Milkshake! 7.30 Old Bear Stories 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 The SaveUms! 8.45 The Save-Ums! 9.00 Beyblade 9.25 Xcalibur 10.00 He rcules: The Legendary Journeys Films made by Cardiff’s School of Media have a bigger budget than this trash. You may think I’m simply being harsh today about TV, but no. I’m being harsh against five because it’s shit. 10.55 The Best of No Girls Allowed Wow, look at this, five taking a stand against that insufferable group who, like dogshit, are everywhere at the moment. I for one will be watching this just to view the slanderous and libel comments made. 11.25 Home and Away Omnibus 13.30 Kylie Up Close 14.40 FIL M: My Girl 2 (1994) 16.30 Perry Mason Right, I know five looks shit but it’s not our fault. Blame it on the weatherman like we do. Man, I love denim. 18.30 Charmed 19.20 five news 19.25 FILM: Dragonheart II: A New Beginning Slightly worse than the original, this is one of those films that should be relegated to a warehouse in the middle of Deep South America to be forgotten about or bombed by North Korea at an opportune moment. Avoid at all costs. 21.05 CSI:NY 22.00 Law and Order: Specia l Victims Unit 22.55 FILM: The Witches of Eastwick (1987) 01.10 Law and Order 02.00 FILM : Poodle Springs (1998 ) 03.40 Sh ort Story Cinema 04.15 Russell G rant's Postcards This week from Hanley Castle. I love that sleepy village nestled under the Malvern Hills.
029 229977
P R I M E T I M E
PRIMETIME
19.00 Liquid Assets: Duran Duran 20.00 Michael Jackson and the Boy He Paid Off Every day, Sky One shows a recreation of the Jacko trial from the previous day. Thankfully I haven’t seen it, and I intend not to. The only way Jacko is going to get out of this one is to a) give the Judge the best head of his life (including ball sucking), b) plead insanity and spend the rest of his days stuck in a looney bin with Pete Dogherty, or c) Bring in Cochran to use the Chewbacca defence. It worked for Chef in South Park so it’ll work in Jacko strange little world too. 21.00 FILM: Under Siege (1992) The plight of News Desk from the aggressive Sports Desk. TV Desk has been made neutral. 22.40 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman 23.10 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.40 Grass 0.10 The Mighty Boosh 0.40 Vote for Laurence 01.40 Liquid Assets: Duran Duran 02.35 High Spirits with Shirley Ghostman 03.05 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.35 Grass Cows eat it; why shouldn’t there be a show about it, I ask you? 04.05 Close
6:00 Breakfast 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Gary Rhodes: The Cookery Year 10:30 The Best The Ataris, Built To Spill, My Bloody Valentine, Belle and Sebastian, Placebo, Stiff Little Fingers, Swervedriver, Tsunami Bomb, Me First And The Gimme Gimmes, Along Came Man and Synopsis. 11:00 The Nation's Favourite Food 11:30 Bill's Food 12:00 See Hear 12:45 The Sky at Night 13:05 Six Nations Grandstand: Ireland v France 14:20 FILM: The Inn of the Sixth Happiness (1958) I’m proud to say I’ve actually seen this film. My dad likes it; that’s the type of film it is. 16:50 Six Nations Grandstand: England v Italy 17:55 What the Papers Say 17:00 Digital Creativity Across the Curriculum 18:05 Flog It! 19:05 Around the World in 80 Treasures 20:05 Crufts 2005 21:15 The Heart of Me Is red, pumps blood, is very strong, breaks easily and I wear it on my sleeve. 22:50 The Apprentice 23:50 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 0:20 FILM: Tumbleweeds (1999) 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Something in the Air 02:30 The Census 03:00 Bloodlines: A Family Legacy 03:30 How We Study Children Doyle prefers the ‘hands on’ approach, I teach them shit which they don’t remember and everyone else ignores them. 04:00 CyberTalk 04:30 Modem Monks Those crafty monks can always find a way of getting some kinky action. In this case by inserting a modem cable up their arse and waiting for Nun Crystal to phone them. Wait until they get broadband - sparks will fly.
Morgan & Platell C4 6.15pm
Your Union
6:00 CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Fimbles 6:40 The Story Makers 7:00 CBBC: Arthur 7:25 Astro Boy 7:45 Tom and Jerry Kids 8:10 Taz-Mania 8:35 The Scooby-Doo Show 9:00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow I wonder which Z-List celeb they’ve got on the show this week. Of course it’s all in the name of Comic Relief, which would normally be shite, but these pair are a cult classic in the making. Like Bastion Springs. 11:00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12:00 BBC News; Weather 12:10 Match of the Day Live: FA Cup Quarter-Final: Bolton v Arsenal 14:20 Six Nations Grandstand 14:25 Rugby Union: Six Nations Championship 15:30 Rugby Union Build-Up 16:00 Rugby Union: Six Nations Championship: England v Italy Well I’m sure this will be a fun match. England will lose, Wales will rejoice and plentiful racism will ensue. I love nationalism. 16:50 Final Score 17:10 Match of the Day Live: FA Cup Quarter-Final: Southampton v Manchester Utd Sports Desk are positively creaming themselves over the though of the amount of sport this weekend. Well done BBC, aside from the Tiddlywinks Championship, you actually have some decent sport. It’ll all go downhill next week with Comic Relief, don’t worry. 19:20 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 19:40 The National Lottery Jet Set 20:15 Test the Nation: the Big Entertainment Test 21:40 BBC News; Weather 22:05 Test the Nation: the Big Entertainment Test 23:15 FILM: Cliffhanger (1993) He falls off at the end. Sorry. 01:00 Top of the Pops 01:30 Joins BBC News 24
M o d e m Monks BBC2 4.30am
I
Predator ITV2 9.15pm
BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!
6.00 Survival 6.55 Survival 7.50 Campion 8.55 The Royal 10.00 Survival 11.00 Noah's Ark 12.05 The Royal 13.05 Surgical Spirit 13.40 Surgical Spirit 14.10 The Grimleys 14.40 The Grimleys 15.15 Rising Damp 15.50 Campion 17.00 Noah's Ark Here’s my claim to fame. I starred in this show as an extra when I was about 14 and I was paid 30 quid for the privilage. So there you are. A reason to watch ITV3. That’s the only reason though. 18.00 Jeeves and Wooster 19.05 Film File 19.15 Hornblower 21.15 Midsomer Murders 23.20 Hammer House of Horror 0.20 The Bill Omnibus Is there anything worse than two hours of The Bill back to back? Possibly being forced to watch an entire day of ITV3 comes in a close second. Why did they bother creating this utter pile of wank? ITV3 has been entered into the TV Guide ‘Worst Channel In The World Ever’ award featuring soon in Q magazine. Haha, only joking, we wouldn’t want our material being printed in that joke of a mag. 02.20 Teleshopping
STUDENT SAVER ANY PIZZA ANY SIZE ONLY £9.89 DELIVERED! 029 229977