Sunday
Page 30
November 1 - 7 2004
captain_planet@he’s_a_hero.com
09.25 Movies Now 09.35 It's Good to Be... Posh and Becks Come on, let’s be honest, it’s not really is it? You’re either a stupid tawt or an anorexic stupid twat. I was trying to think of an amusing pun for this show but posh and becks are too fucking stupid to warrant jokes. Cunts. 10.05 The X Factor 11.20 The X Factor Result 12.05 The Xtra Factor Result 12.35 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 13.45 Emmerdale Omnibus 16.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.50 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 20.00 The X Factor 21.15 The Xtra Factor 22.15 The X Factor Result 23.00 The Xtra Factor Result 23.30 Coronation Street 00.00 The Frank Skinner Show 01.00 Undeclared I’m pretty sure this is a sting operation to catch out the gair rhydd editor because he’s embezzling funds to purchase high class hookers for his special parties. I never get invited so I’m bitter. 01.25 FIVB World Tour Beach Volleyball 2004 02.20 Orange Playlist 02.45 Jerry Springer 03.25 Teleshopping 05.25 ITV2 Nightscreen
06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Pokemon Advanced Challenge 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Waking the Dragons 09.30 Malcolm in the Middle 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: Heat 12.00 Futurama This far exceeds the Simpsons in every way. Homer and co. are becomming so random now it’s clear the writers just wait for the royalties to pour in. Cunts. 12.30 Futurama 13.00 Malcolm in the Middle 13.30 Sky Travel Shop 14.00 Gamezville 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Futurama 17.30 Futurama 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Oliver Beene 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 Hex 22.00 Mile High 23.00 The 1970s Office 00.00 Cold Case 01.00 Law and Order 01.50 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 02.40 World Wrestling Entertainment: Heat 03.30 Scrubs 03.55 Scrubs 04.20 Star Trek: Voyager 05.10 Star Trek: Voyager
14.00 Fool Around... with My Girlfriend No I couldn’t... 14.30 Fool Around... with My Girlfriend Well if you insist... 15.00 Faking It: The T4 Specials 16.05 The Next Joe Millionaire 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 18.30 The OC 19.30 One Tree Hill 20.30 Friends 21.00 The Joe Schmo Show 22.00 The Sopranos 23.10 Curb Your Enthusiasm 23.45 Same Bridget. Brand New Diary 00.15 The Simple Life 2: Road Trip 00.40 The OC 01.35 One Tree Hill 02.25 The Sopranos 03.20 Curb Your Enthusiasm I’m still fucking ranting about Clwb Ifor on wednesday night. Why have the ponces taken over my top floor? You can fuck off with you charty indie bollocks and go stand outside Virgin to discuss who can see the least from under their streaked blonde locks. I know you all aspire to be a part of Rooster but take your wank elsewhere and keep out of Clwb Ifor! Your fucking hair style means fuck all! Argh. Right...breathe...ok I’m calming down now...
06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy Last’s week’s attempt at beating that fucking bear failed miserably. This week Noddy hatches a cunning plan to douse the bear in petrol and set light to him. Unfortunately, Big Ears, while getting down and dirty with Sally Skittle, knocks the flaming match out of Noddy’s hand burning the bear’s supply of charmin. The bear proceeds to beat seven shades of hell out of Noddy so he’s no longer the happiest boy in Toyland. What a dick. 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge This week, contestants have to see how many glass bottles of coke they can shove inside her. I had a go but I could only get four. 11.00 Wishbone Midday porn. Thankyou five. 11.30 A Different Life 12.05 FAQ 12.35 Big Art Challenge 13.05 five news update 13.15 The Chart 13.45 FILM: Columbo: A Friend in Deed *** 15.40 FILM: Hellfighters ** 17.55 five news and sport 18.15 FILM: Richie Rich With Macaulay Culkin and John Larroquette. (Comedy, 1994) *** 20.00 Britain's Worst Wife 21.00 FILM: Behind Enemy Lines With Gene Hackman and Owen Wilson. (Thriller, 2001) ** 23.05 World's Wildest Police Videos 00.00 Seniors Golf: ADT English Seniors Open 00.50 NFL Live: Baltimore Ravens v Cleveland Browns 04.45 Argentinian Football
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06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 ICC Cricket World 2004 07.25 The Volvo Urban Adventure Rat Race 07.55 Weird World of Sport 08.25 2004 Gatorade Iron Man Race 08.55 Chancers 09.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.00 Maniffesto 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 Stargate SG-1 13.50 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 14.45 Y Clwb Rygbi 17.00 Welsh in a Week 17.30 Newyddion News 17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 19.30 Y Sioe Gelf 20.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20.30 Cerdded y Llinell 21.00 Talcen Caled So, the American presidential elections are coming up and as you may have guessed, the TV desk have noticed the incredible similarity between John Kerry and Bruce Springsteen. If Bush gets another term I think we should rise up as a nation of vigilantes and storm the White House. To be honest, the American people would probably be glad of it. Well I would at least. 21.55 Newyddion News. 22.05 Musicality 23.10 UK Music Hall of Fame 01.15 Crazy Rulers of the World An insight into the world of Mr Bush, including his favourite pastimes: poor children bashing, hamster eating, anal fingering amongst other things. I reckon if I turn into a complete cunt I could become a ‘world leader’. 02.15 God Bless America: With God on Our Side Yeah ok, you’re going to need more than a fictitious old man with a beard to help you out of this one. Captain Planet could do it, apart from that stupid token with the ‘power’ heart. 04.05 Morgan and Platell
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06.00 GMTV 09.25 Art Attack 09.50 How II 10.05 Finger Tips 10.30 The Championship 11.15 My Favourite Hymns 12.15 St Jimmy's 12.45 Waterfront 13.15 Jonathan Dimbleby including News Headlines and Weather 14.10 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 14.15 FILM: The Indian in the Cupboard *** If there were fucking pixies in my cupboard I’d leave the house and get Rentokill in. Evidently, in the film, a girl befriends the Indian but doesn’t realise he’s after one thing. Quite intriguing if you think about it. 15.55 The Railway Children Don’t play on the railway because you’ll die. If you’re a Chav and you like your Burberry go right ahead. Please. 17.55 In Fine Voice 18.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat I was going to write something witty and amusing about this but I’ve just heard the beautiful sounds of Something Corporate drifting around the office. I’ve found another fan! Fantastic! 21.00 Foyle's War 23.00 ITV News 23.15 Hitler's Fixer I think he hangs around Cardiff trying to push anything he gets. Hitler: dope addict. 00.15 Not Just on Sundays A programme about, amongst other things, sex, ferret bashing, masturbation, penis licking, funhole finding, shaving and orifice stretching. 00.45 World Rally Championship 01.15 Motorsport UK 01.40 Bourne Is Back - Making The Bourne Supremacy 02.05 Building the Dream 02.30 Trisha has to deal with a horse who claims to be her secret lovechild. Whinny.
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19.00 End of Story Claudia 20.00 Liquid Assets: Freddie Mercury's Millions I’ve never actually watched this but is it as bollocks as it sounds? TV desk opinion seems to be a resounding yes. 21.00 Conviction 22.00 Conviction 23.00 Little Britain Since I chose this last week as my ‘pick of the week’ I thought I’d better watch it. To be honest though, it was a bit of a disappointment. They seem to have run out of ideas. I’m guessing by the end of the series, to boost the ratings, there will be hardcore porn on our screens. Well it would appeal to me. Fnarr. 23.30 Nighty Night 00.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.00 Liquid Assets 01.55 Jerry Hall's Gurus I hope after last week some people have gone and bought some Ataris albums. My recommendation this week is Dashboard Confessional because they’re fucking superb. Buy the album A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar and you won’t be disappointed. Ah emo at its best and no screaming shit, just great songs. 02.55 End of Story
06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 The Story Makers 07.00 CBeebies: Looney Tunes 07.05 ScoobyDoo and Scrappy-Doo 07.30 Smile 10.30 Sunday Style 12.00 The Future Is Wild 12.25 Sunday Grandstand 12.30 Sport + 12.50 Squash: British Open 13.30 Rugby League: GB v New Zealand 14.10 Bowls: BUPA Care Homes Open 16.55 Songs of Praise 17.30 Scrum V Dear, dear. Look at what BBC sport has become. You know something’s going wrong when they’re covering squash and fucking bowls! What is that about? Next week its the world Cribbage championships. Personally, I can’t wait., 18.20 Dive Caribbean 19.00 Get a New Life 20.00 Top Gear 21.00 The Fight 22.00 QI 22.30 Match of the Day 2 23.30 Room 101 00.00 FILM: Mojo With Ian Hart and Ewen Bremner. (Drama, 1997) *** Feature film about an undisclosed member of Xpress radio who loses their mojo and has to hunt throughout the Union to reclaim it. The film ends with a superb orgy in the Xpress studio. The furry end of a microphone is put to a new and exciting use. Fnarr. 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills for Adult Learners: Reading Skills It’s a bit fucking harsh posting written TV listings for a programme on how to read. How are the people who need to see this show ever going to find out? Bastards. 03.00 IT for Work I’m still reading ‘It’ and it’s bloody scary. I certainly wouldn’t hire the demon clown even if he does have cool balloons and a painted face. 04.00 IT for Retirement 05.00 New Arrivals
Your Union
06.00 Breakfast 08.10 Match of the Day 09.30 Breakfast with Frost 10.30 The Heaven and Earth Show I hate this show. Religion is really pissing me off right now. 11.30 Countryfile 12.30 The Politics Show 13.30 EastEnders 14.25 Paula's Return: The New York City Marathon Live 17.00 EastEnders 17.55 Lifeline 18.05 Points of View 18.15 Last of the Summer Wine If you ever watch this you should be shot. I’ll do it personally. Funny story, today I was waiting at the bus stop with a big bag and this dithering old fool walked past and shouted at me, telling me to move the bag. He started mouthing off and actually used the words ‘the kids these days’. Haha, come on kids, we all know what he is don’t we? That’s right, an old cunt. 18.45 Antiques Roadshow 19.35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20.00 Monarch of the Glen 21.00 Himalaya with Michael Palin: Bhutan to Bay of Bengal 22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama: Winner Takes All Britain? Fuck. It started with an advert and now Michael Winner is taking over the country. I suppose anyone is better than Mr Blair who can’t tell his arse from his elbow. If the liberals ever got in though I’d leave for Ascension Island. So the answer is...ANARCHY! 22.55 On Show 23.25 FILM: Murder at 1600 With Wesley Snipes and Diane Lane. (Thriller, 1997) ** 01.05 New York City Marathon 01.45 The Sky at Night
Squash: British Open Not Just On Crazy Rulers Of The BBC2 12.50pm Sundays ITV 12.15am World S4C 1.15am
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Panorama: Winner BBC1 10.15pm
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As S4C except: 06.05 Animal Alphabet 08.55 T4: Popworld 09.50 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.25 T4: Fool Around... with My Girlfriend 13.00 T4: Britney's Greatest Bits 13.30 T4: Chancers 14.05 T4: The OC 15.10 T4: Friends 15.40 T4: Smallville: Superman the Early Years 16.35 T4: Stargate SG-1 17.30 The Simpsons And it begins...the Simpsons on C4! This is probably a part of history or something so you should prob take some time out to watch this. What else are you going to do on a Sunday evening? 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 Scrapheap Challenge 19.30 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 20.00 Crazy Rulers of the World: The Men Who Stare at Goats 21.00 UK Music Hall of Fame 23.10 FILM: Ghosts of Mars With Ice Cube and Natasha Henstridge. (2001) *** 00.55 FILM: Mani Ratnam Presents: Anjali With Revathi and Raghuvaran. (Drama, 1990) 03.30 The Dirty Race for the White House Bush = Cunt. 04.30 Morgan and Platell 05.00 Countdown 05.45 Party Animals 05.50 Pelswick
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