Friday
Today in your Union
Page 26
February 9-15 2004
insanitypeppers@anus.com
LASHTASTIC
TEXT-TASTIC With Chris Kaye (vibe 101) Solus 10pm – 2am £3 All bottles £1.50 For one night only Lashtastic becomes TextTastic, your last chance to hitch up for Valentine’s Day! Don't be alone on the 14th, let modern technology help you find your match...and a date. Three House parties to be won – goodies to the value of £300! Plus, win your own pre-lash house party courtesy of the Students’ Union. Prize includes three crates of beer, lager or alcopops, sparkling wine, party food, balloons, music, six tickets to Lashtastic and much more!
THE TAF
Frantic Friday: Java and Castle £1
Mad About Alice BBC1 8.30pm
As If E4 5.30pm
Film: The Rock five 9pm
Magic Key BBC2 10.20pm
06.00 Breakfast 09.30 To Buy or Not to Buy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Cash in the Attic 12.15 Passport to the Sun 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.00 ChuckleVision 16.15 What's New Scooby-Doo? 16.35 Intergalactic Kitchen 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Taj tells Serena she's not old enough to date boys. Poor Taj, he always seems to get the rough end of everything. That’s what you get for being a moral crusader in the increasingly seedy Ramsay Street. He fancies Jack, too. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 A Question of Sport 19.30 Top of the Pops 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 Mad about Alice Fucking waste of my time. Unsurprisingly in the reliably humour-free Friday 8.30 slot on BBC1. 21.00 24 Carrott Gold Jasper Carrott in stand-up in front of a live audience of thousands. Or at least they were when he started. 21.30 They Think It's All Over . 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Just Up Your Street 23.10 Jim Davidson's Commercial Breakdown 23.40 Indoor Bowls Welsh Masters 00.30 BBC Three on BBC: Jordan - The Model Mum
06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Tom and Jerry Kids 07.25 Crush 07.50 ChuckleVision 08.10 Mona the Vampire 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Rubbadubbers 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.20 Magic Key I wonder if this bears any relation to the Biff, Chip and Kipper books I learned to read with, who had a magic key and a big yellow slobbery dog. 10.35 Watch 10.50 Science Clips 11.00 Let's Write Non-Fiction 11.20 BBC Primary History 11.40 BBC Primary History 12.00 Working Lunch 13.00 Indoor Bowls Welsh Masters 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Traitor 18.45 Scrum V Live: Cardiff Blues v Glasgow. Kicking off at 7.05. 21.00 Killing Hitler What happened to comedy on BBC2 on a Friday? I assume this isn’t a hilarious sitcom set in a concentration camp rabble. Starring Parky from On The Buses. 22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Malai Presents 00.05 The X Files 00.50 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 01.30 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Framing and Forming 02.30 Persisting Dreams Documentary about people who dream about being persistent, pestering and generally wanting a good, hard branding. 03.30 Taking Note 04.00 Siena Cathedral 04.50 Ever Wondered? 05.00 Simple Beginnings? 05.30 Music and Place: In Tune with America
06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Soap Week 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Tastes of Wales 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.25 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 15.35 What about Mimi? 16.00 As Told by Ginger 16.30 Teen Angel 17.00 You've Been Framed! 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street Three’s a crowd for Maria. Fnarr! 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Learner Drivers Yeah this isn’t a complete carbon copy of Driving School or anything 21.00 The Last Detective “The last gasp attempt at straw-clutching in the field of shoddy detectve drama” more like. 22.30 ITV News 23.00 At the Doctor's 23.30 FILM: Dangerous Minds Film about a teacher who goes to work at an inner city school with bad boys and hoodlumy types. Not worth a mention in normal circumstances, but this is the film that inspired Gangster’s Paradise which is perfectly OK with me. *** 01.25 The District 02.20 Entertainment Now! 02.45 CD:UK Hotshots 03.10 Today with Des and Mel 04.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 04.25 World Sport 04.50 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Space filling. Meow meow meow. Blah blah blah. Fucking fuck fuck fuck. Etc...
07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Bewitched 09.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Sali Mali 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Mamemo 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 13.15 A Place in the Sun 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Room for Improvement 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Rownd a Rownd: 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Gwyllt Ar Grwydr Wildlife series. 21.00 Jonathan Jonathan Davies chats with a variety of guests.One less letter and it could be the singer from Korn chatting with a variety of guests. Hilarious as that would be, the sheer sight of that ridiculous grumbing poodlefucker is enough to make you retch. 21.45 Friends 22.15 Sex and the City Make the most of this, guys, because it’ll be gone before you can find the hankies. And put the spoon back in the Ben’n’Jerry’s or whatever people do when they get together and watch this crock of shit. 22.50 NY Graham Norton 23.55 Banzai 00.25 Garth Marenghi's Darkplace 00.55 The Comedy Lab 01.20 South Park 01.50 King of the Hill 02.15 Futurama 02.40 The Channel 4 Political Awards 2004 Best comedy performance, best newcomer, biggest fucking idiot, most ludicrous lie, most fancied toupee. Well what then?
06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Oswald 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 A House That's Just like Yours 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Elmo's World 09.20 Why? 09.25 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: No Higher Love ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away . 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Germ Warfare: Dr Kelly's Last Interview 20.30 Dream Holiday 21.00 21.00 The Rock *** Hilarious action thriller with Elton John-themed death sequence near the end. Not to be confused with School Of Rock, which looks shit. 23.35 FILM: Eternal Revenge ** 01.25 The Shield 02.15 FILM: Abroad with Two Yanks ** 03.30 The Love Boat 04.20 Russell Grant's Postcards 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters Tiptop music time, lucky readers! This week I’ve indulged my deepest Lambchop fantasies and extended my back catelogue to five, all of which are immense. The self titled Stellastarr* album is everything Franz Ferdinand wish they were. The Postal Service ARE the musical equivalent of Douglas Coupland. And the new Liars album is out soon, and it’s apparently a concept album about witches and wizards. More of that, please.
19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Match of the Day: African Cup of Nations The third place play-off. 21.30 Football Magic 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The Bachelor 23.30 Little Britain 00.00 Sort-It-Out Man 00.30 Sex Warts and All USA 01.00 Body Hits 01.30 Little Britain 02.00 Sort-It-Out Man 02.30 Sex Warts and All USA 03.00 Tower Block Dreams Oh, the many tower block dreams of youth. Tower blocks, block party. What party? Pizza party? I just spilt pizza topping all over my inner leg so I let Andy play his CDs instead. I feel sick. BBC Three’s general lack of interest isn’t helping. See, in normal listings pages, the space for shit peddling rubbish like BBC Three is about two centimetres big with no space to write witty japes about the relevant programs. But no, we have this void every week to try and fill. For example, me struggling extensively to write about graffiti. Oh dear readers, the pain we suffer.
09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 Ask a Silly Question 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.50 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Clea and Emma Bunton... In the Studio 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 American Idol 3 21.20 American Idol 3 21.45 It's Good to Be... Michael Jackson Are you sure? It can’t be that good to be accused of laundering wine to children under the guise of ‘Jesus Juice’ and generally being a bit of a big joke to more or less the entire world. 22.15 Clea and Emma Bunton... In the Studio 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Club Reps 00.00 Jerry Springer 00.50 Late Show with David Letterman 01.40 The John Walsh Show 02.20 Teleshopping 03.20 ITV Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha
06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 11.00 Angel 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.10 The Russell Grant Show 14.10 FILM: Silver Wolf 16.00 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 Max Magic 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 EuroMillions Live Draw Shitty money-grabbing Camelot bigknobs in European con merchant festivities. King Arf’ wouldn’t be happy at lending his kingdom to this tragic set of events, fo’ sho’. 21.05 FILM: Clear and Present Danger *** 23.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 00.45 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 01.45 Angel 02.40 The Sharon Osbourne Show 03.30 Dharma and Greg 03.55 Dharma and Greg 04.20 The X Files 05.10 Guilty!
10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 As If 18.00 Your Face or Mine? 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Maybe It's Me 19.30 The Salon Live 20.00 As If Just imagine if they got rid of the space between the words, and this was just an EastEnders spin-off starring Martin Fowler’s japey-mouthed and under-used friend Asif? And why’s he being left out of the whole new “EastEnders Brat Pack” thing that’s going on at the moment? I couldn’t care less that Ronnie’s only got one freaking kidney. 20.30 Friends 21.00 Return to Jamie's Kitchen 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 The Secret Life of Us 00.05 The Bronx Bunny Show 00.30 Oz 01.40 Hollyoaks 02.10 Without a Trace 02.55 The Secret Life of Us Phew! Last bit of column time for me, and I can trundle home. A book recommendation to finish with. It’s called Ella Minnow Pea, which is a crap title, and I can’t remember who it’s by, but it’s still a damn sight better than every TV programme on this week.
09.30 4Learning 9.30 Working Week: Businesswoman. 9.55 This Teen Life. 10.45 Rewind Stage and Screen. 11.05 The A-Z of Love and Sex. 11.30 Teen Big Brother. 12.30 Grudge Match 12.50 FILM: I Was Monty's Double *** 16.00 Perfect Getaway 16.30 Room for Improvement 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 19.30 The Channel 4 Political Awards 2004 Jon Snow presents the awards in a political year indelibly marked by war in Iraq and the death of David Kelly. And what award will that win? Biggest fucking farce? 20.30 Friends . 21.00 Friends 21.30 Will and Grace 22.00 Sex and the City 22.35 NY Graham Norton 23.40 Banzai 00.15 South Park 00.45 The Grill 01.10 King of the Hill 01.35 Futurama . 02.00 The Michael Essany . 02.25 Skiing on 4: Alpine 04.15 Plane Crazy 05.10 Countdown 05.55 Animated Tales of the World Cartoon about John Henry, a hammer-wielding lifesaver, apparently.