gair rhydd - Issue 745

gair CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

INSIDE

Go green gair rhydd’s guide to all things recycling

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

Freshers’ Ball misery

By Peter Bramwell News Editor

ANGRY PARTY-GOERS last week voiced their frustration at the Union, claiming their £12.50 Fresher’s Ball tickets only bought them a “glorified Lashtastic”.

Students had been under the impression they were the paying the over-the-odds ticket prices to see “Girls Aloud”, who were headlining the event.

But many were left feeling cheated on the night when they were refused access to The Great Hall after the venue for the chartcharmers had filled up.

One irate reveller said, "The Union must have known that there wasn’t enough space for everyone to see Girls Aloud, but they still sold us the tickets anyway.

"I had to spend the night in Solus, which was OK but not for £12.50!”

Another student said of her night, "That’s Lashtastic!"

FREE

CARDIFFSTUDENTS.COM

xpressradio Cardiff’s award winning student radio station returns this week. Media tune in to find out why they’re so successful

Centre pages

Students not allowed

ISSUE 745. OCTOBER 11

Media p10 - FM 107.2

HANGING IN THE BALANCE

Vote on merger future

By Anna Hodgekiss News Editor

pic: Gemma Griffiths

THE MERGER between Cardiff University and University of Wales College of Medicine hangs in the balance this week as final talks get underway.

Plans to dissolve the medical school and merge with Cardiff University will either be approved or scrapped at a meeting held by the Council of the UWCM. Cardiff University Council gave the go-ahead last week, with the merger planned for August 2004.

Despite being a new institution, the name “Cardiff University” will remain the same.

Both institutions have agreed that Cardiff University’s current vice-chancellor, Dr David Grant, will be the vice-

chancellor of the merged institution.

Cardiff is one of the few remaining Russell Group universities without a medical school and is eager to merge.

And as Wales’ largest university, the implications of a merger are far-reaching for all involved.

For students, the most noticeable dayto-day changes will be the wider range of undergraduate and postgraduate courses available. The merger will enable a variety of courses mixing medical and social sciences to be introduced.

Cardiff University Students’ Union will also be affected.

While the UWCM has its own - the Med Bar - many medics already enjoy nights in the Taf and Solus, along with Cardiff University students.

But some fear that funding for clubs and societies will be stretched if the merger is approved.

Story continued on Page 2

News

October 11 2003

Page 2

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

At

a glance

News Editorial Cobley Student Politics Letters Media Taf od Competitions TV listings Listings Sport

1-4 5 6 7 9 10-11 12 13 19 27 29

EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson NEWS Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss, POLITICS Andrew Caldicott EDITORIAL AND OPINION Rhys James SPORT Dave Williams, Riath AlSamarrai, GET THERE Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, John Widdop LETTERS & CROSSWORD James Anthony BIG WIN CIRCUS Leigh Debbage TAF-OD Rhys Iorwerth, Dewi Llyr, Angharrad George MEDIA Gary Andrews CONTRIBUTORS Ffion Atwell, Naomi Blight, Andrew Cullen, Will Dean, Si Green, Clare Hepple, Mark Jenkins, Ed Jones, Janine Jones, Anna MacTaggart, Polly March, Georgina Mavrakis, Rob Mounsey, Beca Murphy, Rachel Pegum, Simon Purcell, AJ Silvers, John Stanton, Lizzie Stenner, Becky Storey, Alison Wood, Claire Woods, Laura Wright, Rhys Iorwerth, Thomas Little, Amy Butterworth, TV Steve, Mark Cobley

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 08451 300667 EMAIL SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union

Moving in the right direction

By Lizzie Stenner Reporter A REPORT by international property experts has ranked Cardiff among the top three “transport friendly” cities in the UK. Detailed research has hailed Cardiff’s transport service as being hot on the heels of top cities Sheffield and Leeds.

Despite this, parking within the city centre still remains a problem.

Councillor Michael Michael, Deputy Leader for Enterprise and Transport stressed that despite “moving in the right direction”, positive results must not promote complacency.

He said, “Congestion is a reality in some parts of the city. However, with the right resources, Cardiff is on track to achieve a fully integrated transport system – a feat which remains a far off dream for other British cities.”

And with improvements to the city’s transport in the pipeline, things can only get better.

Dear Mr Blair...

CARDIFF STUDENTS have joined the army of protestors campaigning against top-up fees.

Over 1,000 have signed a postcard to Tony Blair, asking him to stop the introduction of the fees which could see many graduating with debts of £21,000.

The postcards were designed by NUS Wales and distributed by CUSU’s Communications and Community Officer Emma Bebington.

Any students yet to sign up should

visit Emma on the third floor of the Students’ Union. Alternatively, petition stalls will be visiting all departments in the near future.

But it doesn’t end there. The national demo protesting against topup fees is scheduled for October 26 in London. After a poor turnout from Cardiff University last year, the Students’ Union is urging as many people as possible to make a stand against the fees.

Tickets are now on sale in the Union box office priced at £3.

By Clare Hepple Reporter

Secretary, Charles Clarke, the elite universities would receive up to £3,000 a year in tuition fees from 2006.

The top UK universities – who would be the main beneficiaries - are known as the Russell Group and include Cardiff University.

The Russell Group recently pressed for annual tuition fees of up to £5,000, which many fear will lead to a widening gap between the top universities and their poorer counterparts.

Labour claims the additional fees would compensate for the spiralling costs of university education.

But opposition and Labour MPs

AS OPPOSITION continues to mount to Labour’s planned introduction of university top-up fees, rumours are rife that Labour is now trying to quietly drop the plans using a public consultation exercise.

It is currently unclear whether this would constitute the use of a “reverse gear” by Tony Blair, after recent polls showed 80 per cent of people are against the plans.

According to the Education

A Lidl bit late

Girls Aloud from front page

The Communications and Community Officer at the union, Emma Bebington, responded to these complaints by saying, “Ents were disappointed with the situation.

Everyone worked hard and wanted people to have a good time.

“We’ve done many all-building events before and have always found Solus to be more popular than the Great Hall.

“We basically underestimated the number wanting to see Girls Aloud by 50 people.

“We’re very sorry and ask anyone who feels aggrieved to come to the union and let us know."

Questions were also raised over

the standard of security at the event.

People on the door of the Great Hall have since come under fire for being heavy-handed and insensitive to students on the night.

One female student suffering from heat exhaustion allegedly asked the bouncers to leave the Great Hall to get a glass of water, but was then refused access back in, even though she had been there with her friends all night.

Emma added, “Ents sold 2,000 tickets for the Freshers’ Ball and the capacity of the Great Hall is 1,500.

Congestion between the Great Hall and Solus only lasted for about 30 minutes.

“Security deemed it unsafe to operate a one in one out policy due to large numbers queuing by the doors.”

Plans for next time include more rounded acts and different names in different venues.

“Fees would disappear in a haze of government spin”

NUS booklet Funding The Future

Cathays supermarket still not off ground

By Anna MacTaggart Reporter

Proposed new Lidl site

alike are highly critical of the White paper. Among the throng of protesters is Jon Owen Jones, Labour MP for Cardiff Central.

Mr. Jones, opposed to top-up fees from the outset, said, “I’m concerned that students from poorer backgrounds will be discouraged from applying to the better institutions.”

Most disturbingly of all, one NUS booklet on top-up fees, Funding The Future, claims that the £400 million raised so far from tuition fees has not gone on university funding. It adds that the government reduced the money going to universities by the amount received as tuition fees. Critics argue that a rise in tuition fees would not go directly to universities but would instead disappear “in a haze of government spin.”

THE LONG-AWAITED Lidl store in Cathays has yet to lay foundations, despite unveiling plans almost two years ago.

Building work on the site, located behind Kappucinos coffee shop on Cathays Terrace, has finally begun after a slow start.

The company itself refused to comment on the rumours, but Cardiff Strategic Planning has confirmed that a planning application made by Lidl has been approved subject to a separate legal agreement.

Merger

from front page

If sufficient monies and support are not secured, many may be forced to operate on existing budgets with several extra members.

Despite this, Finnbarr Graham, President of Cardiff University Students’ Union, was positive. He emphasised that were the merger to go ahead, more students potentially equalled more funding and a raising of standards throughout the university.

He said: "I’m very hopeful that the merger will go ahead. It’s a wonderful opportunity for the students of the University and Wales, and will benefit the country as a whole.

And with the nearest supermarkets for students living in Cathays being Co-op on Crwys Road or Tesco Metro on Albany Road, some are becoming impatient.

Roop Jones, third year journalism student and Xpress Radio presenter, said: “It would be ideal both in terms of the proximity to the student village and the fact that Lidl is so cheap.”

It is estimated that the new store will create approximately 20 to 25 new jobs.

The company’s PR policy not to talk to the press has left gair rhydd unsure as to when the store is due to open, but Kappucinos staff believe it to be in the region of three months.

"Our aim is to be a world class university, therefore my aim is to be a world class union."

Merging could potentially create over 3,000 new jobs - over half in academic and support posts and another 1,350 jobs outside of the University within six years.

Health services in Wales would also benefit in terms of research and attracting highly respected academic and NHS staff.

The vice-chancellors of both institutions have issued a joint statement, saying, "The merger will produce improvements in the student experience, from learning and teaching to support services, exciting new career prospects for staff, and enhanced service and returns for all our many stakeholders, including the NHS in Wales.”

News

October 11 2003

Page 3

grnews@cf.ac.uk

Keep Cardiff tidy!

Students slammed for filth on Cathays streets

Miskin Street - just one site of ‘Bin Bag’ crime

By Claire Woods Reporter CARDIFF STUDENTS have been blamed for the growing litter problem and untidiness across the capital.

Cardiff Mayor Russell Goodway has pledged to crack down on the large amount of litter in the Welsh capital.

The Council leader highlighted the growing problem of rubbish being put outside houses days before collection day - leading to the spread of more litter in the streets.

He said, "There seems to be an inability on the part of some to get their bin bags out on the right day with rubbish left rotting in the garden. That is not acceptable."

Cardiff students are being pointed out as culprits for this “bin-bag” crime.

Frank Spragg, a resident of Rhymney Street for 31 years, watches bin-bags put out up to six days before collection day.

"People ought to be more responsible," he said. “The council come around on Wednesday, but you can’t expect them to clean this stuff up."

The Council, in line with the Keep Cardiff Tidy campaign, are increasing the fine for putting rubbish out before the collection day from £25 to £50.

One Cardiff University business student said, "I think the £50 fine is

justifiable, as the streets of Cathays are constantly littered, making it unsightly and a potential health risk."

But another student added, "With the majority of student housing being terraced, they do not have gates, and rubbish has to be taken through the house. It’s not hygienic or convenient, so you can see why students do it."

But students aren’t the only people being blamed.

The mayor is also getting tough with people and businesses that fail to meet standards.

He said, “The council has to recapture the city in terms of setting standards. There must be acceptable standards in Cardiff. If you live here there is a standard we expect people to maintain."

Mr Goodway added, "If there are physical reasons which affect people

putting out their bin-bags, we will implement support arrangements to enable them to reach the necessary standard.”

£50 fine for leaving bin bags out early

Cardiff student I’ve got your number Xpress go 118 with ad campaign drink spiked

By Peter Bramwell News Editor

FEARS OF sexually motivated attacks are growing after a Cardiff student had her drink spiked in a Cathays pub last week.

The postgraduate student, who wishes to be left unnamed, told gair rhydd of how she was secretly drugged while having a quiet drink with friends in the Crwys pub last Thursday.

She said, “At 7pm we bought a couple of bottles of wine and sat down.

By about 9.30pm and three glasses of wine later, I knew something was wrong. I’ve been drunk before and I knew this was totally different.”

“The only time I left my drink was to go to the toilet” Victim

After intially passing out at 10pm, the female student was then taken home by a friend, suffering from hot sweats and sickness, and also collapsing on the floor.

She added, “No one else was affected so whatever was put in must have been in my glass. The only time I left my drink was to go to the toilet.”

An ambulance called by her housemate took her to casualty at the Heath Hospital.

Tests that night showed her drink had been spiked by opiates, but could not be more specific to the actual drug.

The victim said, “I’m still finding it hard to believe. Apart from taking my drink to the toilet there was nothing I could have done.

“I have no idea who did it. I keep thinking about it, but I’m not going to let it affect me too much.’

The manager of the Crwys has since expressed his sadness at the incident and has pledged to put posters up around the pub to increase awareness.

By Janine Jones Reporter

XPRESS RADIO last week launched a stylish advertising campaign to launch their fortnight on air, which began on Friday.

You may have already seen Radio Mike running around Cardiff, dressed as one of the 118 guys. Let’s face it - he’s pretty hard to miss!

And just in case you didn’t “get his number”, it is 107.2 FM. The Union’s award-winning radio station, Xpress Radio will be broadcasting on this frequency until midnight on October 24.

Mike has been running round town, stopping off at landmark sites including the Millennium Stadium, the castle and through pubs and clubs all week.

His escapades culminated in the launch party at Lashtastic on Friday, where other radio staff also donned their micro-shorts and vests, emblazoned with the number to remember (that’s 107.2, folks).

Radio Mike, also known as Mike McCarthy, Head of Finance for Xpress Radio hosts his own show from 10am-1pm on Saturday and 12pm-2pm on Tuesday.

He told gair rhydd, "We are hoping that as many first years can get familiar with what we do, and that we can remind the other years as well."

This two-week broadcast will feature returning DJs from last year’s broadcast and Woodville Road, the only student radio soap, billed as a cross between Hollyoaks and Neighbours.

The station was nominated for ten Radio 1 student media awards last year and won six, including Best Female Presenter and Best Specialist Show for Priority.

Xpress is also due to broadcast another month on air starting in March next year.

For more information on Xpress Radio turn to the gair rhydd media section on pages 10 and 11

Radio Mike

News

Page 4

October 11 2003

grnews@cf.ac.uk

News In Brief

Cut them up

Car surfer charged THE SWANSEA student caught surfing on a Cardiff student’s car has been ordered to pay £750 by Cardiff Magistrates.

The incident, reported in last week’s gair rhydd, occured on Senghenydd Road after a night out.

The majority of the fine will go towards repairing the car in question, and the defendant was given a conditional discharge.

Mobile phone thefts in city OVER 40 students have already had their mobile phone stolen this term, according to PC Bob Keohane of South Wales Police.

Mobile phone theft is an ongoing problem in the city, with most victims targeted in pubs and clubs.

Owners are being urged by the police to keep phones in their bag or pocket at all times.

Noting the phone’s IMEI number will also prevent thieves being able to use the phone. On reporting the IMEI number to the mobile phone company, the phone can be made inactive.

To access your phone’s IMEI number type in *#06#.

Street scam A SCAM to target unsuspecting shoppers has been uncovered in Cardiff.

Several shoppers have been approched by men in a vehicle, offering electrical equipment such as digital cameras at knocked down prices.

Upon buying the product and opening the box, customers discover items such as a brick or bag of flour instead of the item promised.

Police are urging students to steer clear of such offers, tempting as they may be, as many have fallen victim in the past.

Student volunteering

Barclays’ recruitment stand

By Mark Jenkins Reporter STUDENTS HAVE been warned of the dangers of being enticed into credit card agreements by the offer of free gifts.

The National Consumer Council (NCC) cautioned students in the

Bleak future

By John Collingridge News Editor

GRADUATES ARE increasingly being “forced into lower level jobs”, according to a recent report.

The Higher Education Policy Institute warned that graduates are being forced to take lower paid intermediate jobs that do not require a degree.

Professor Alison Wolfe, of the University of London, believes that the government’s policy of encouraging more young people to university is dangerous.

“Far from increasing opportunity and equalising opportunity, when you get to the levels of higher education that we’ve reached, you actually get a situation where the major beneficiaries are the middle class.

“It actually gets harder for people to make careers if they don’t do well in their early years of secondary school – it becomes much harder to come in by another route later.

“I think we have got ourselves into a very difficult situation.”

Margaret Dane, of the Association of Graduate Careers Advisory Services, said that at a time when competition is fiercer than ever, thinking ahead gives students a distinct edge.

Batmobile hits Cathays again

By Andrew Cullen Reporter A VIDEO surveillance vehicle that first came into use at the Students’ Union last year is now up and running again.

The vehicle is provided by Unisec, the company in charge of security in the union, and gives students added protection on their way home from nights out.

It travels the main routes that students take on their way back from the

union, which include the routes toward Talybont and along Salisbury Road.

Manned by security staff from Unisec, the vehicle is in direct contact with security at the Union as well as with Central Police Station.

The video surveillance on board has already come into use, with footage providing police with evidence to press for a pending vandalism charge.

The vehicle has proved its worth for the union by helping with its ongoing struggle to keep its late licence.

Quotes of the Week “Theresa May’s shoes say everything you need to know about the Tory party: flat, frumpish and most of us wouldn’t be seen dead in them”

THE STUDENT volunteering service is going from strength to strength.

The volunteering fair proved an overwhelming success as a steady flow of interested students poured into the Great Hall.

With over 20 projects on offer in the local community many students were spoilt for choice.

Telephone 02920 781510 for details on how to sign up.

NEWS is seeking your tales of dodgy landlords.

We’re hoping to name and shame some of the local landlords and letting agencies after a string of complaints from Cardiff students.

If you have a family of rats or a collapsing house, contact us at grnews@cf.ac.uk.

run-up to freshers’ week as part of a larger initiative to combat consumer credit debt.

Ed Mayo, the organisation’s chief executive, said, “Taking on credit card debt could push today’s already indebted students over the edge.

“The first lesson for students is that credit cards are not the answer.

These free gifts are nothing but seductive offers to be ignored.”

These comments rang true on Monday, when a Student Barclaycard stand was operating inside the Union.

It offered free popcorn makers and cameras to those who signed up for a card. gair rhydd contacted Mark Gonnella, Head of Public Relations at Barclaycard.

He said, “In our experience, students expect their custom to be rewarded but are very choosy and very sensible both in terms of which card they apply for and how they run their account.” He added that Barclaycard is meant as an “emergency wallet” for students, and the organisation views students as their most responsible customers.

But some believe that debts can get out of hand even when the cardholder has the best of intentions.

Natalie, a fourth year engineering student, agreed with the NCC’s advice.

“My student loans were not enough, so I took out a credit card. I had to miss lectures just so I could go to work to pay off debts,” she said. “My advice to any student thinking about a credit card is don’t go there unless you really have to.”

For advice on managing debt call in to the third floor of the Students’ Union.

Amanda Platell, former Tory spin doctor

“350 pounds, third party fire and theft, no claim bonus discount for careful drivers” Reese & Weston Insurance

“Robin, to the Batmobile...”

Local residents, who in the past have complained of anti-social behaviour from students coming out of the Union late at night, now believe that steps are being taken to curb the prob-

lems and have applauded the initiative.

Mranwhile, PC Bob Keohane described the scheme as an “all round success” for both students and residents alike.

Raging bull

By Alison Wood Reporter THE LAST thing you expect on a peaceful Saturday afternoon drive is a bull wandering around the motorway.

Road users encountered an escaped bull causing bedlam on the M4 in South Wales after the horsebox it was travelling in crashed. The horsebox had overturned, leaving the bull free to run riot on the M4.

The three car traffic accident happened at junction 34 near Llantrisant. Two lanes were closed while the bull was led to safety.

South Wales Fire Service officer John Davies commented: “As we were proceeding to the incident so the bull was heading up the sliproad.

“It was quite fortunate that the traffic had slowed because of what had happened, which meant that the bull wasn’t in any danger.”

Two people were taken to hospital with minor injuries following the incident. The bull is being looked after by a local farmer in a nearby field.

Editorial & Opinion

October 11 2003

Page 5

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

rhydd EST. 1972

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

Imperial pride lost

By Andrew Caldicott

By Tristan Thomas gair rhydd Editor

T

he gair rhydd letters page has always been notorious. Controversy has traditionally reigned unchecked as students have their say in the rawest of written forms. It makes for a bloody good read for us hacks up in gair rhydd towers.

For it’s easy to lose site of what students actually want when you’re typing till dawn, slaving over a battered Apple Mac. The letters we receive tell us what you like, and more often dislike, about gair rhydd and Quench.

This issue we’ve received an eruption of

responses to our handling of the pro-Christianity letter of last time. Some students even called for the resignation of several of our editorial staff. For a journalist that sort of reaction is gold dust – if you can elicit a backlash it proves people read and, more importantly, care about what you publish.

Tellingly, gair rhydd means free word in Welsh, and we like to think that the letters page embodies our commitment to freedom of speech and diversity of opinion. For this reason, we try to print anything – however potentially risky. This will inevitably cause upset, but we make no apologies.

Whenever the tedious question of student apathy is raised, I urge you to take your gair rhydd and point to our letters page. There is no better gauge of student opinion in Cardiff.

I

READ something in last week’s GR letters section which irritated the hell out of me. To cut a long story short, a contributor had stated that he didn’t see the point in there being a box labelled “Welsh" – you only need one saying “British". The reply from the letters editor bordered on fascist.

Why do I say this? Simply put, the liberal-communist types who are in positions of power in this country (Government office, running the BBC and other mass-media) are trying to brainwash "Britishness" out of us by on one hand trying to split the country up, while on the other they are attempting to steamroll us into the corrupt and inept EU. Our children are not taught anything of our true history.

I never learned about the British Empire at school. Anything to do with our great heritage is derided, and any of us who dare to have pride in what our nation has achieved over the last three millennia, from the days of the Celts to the end of WWII is labelled as a Nazi or BNP supporter. In fact, anyone who disagrees with them in any shape or form is called a racist, sexist, homophobic, Nazi, bigot, xenophobic, ad nauseam.

Well, I for one have had enough.

And I am not alone. Indeed, most people have had enough of the liberal agenda; you only have to look at opinion polls on issues like law and order, immigration and education to see that people are fed up.

So, to answer the Letters Editor’s point: no, the Union Jack isn’t drenched in other nations’ blood. In fact Europe, North Africa, India, the Baltics, and many other nations would be flying the swastika if it weren’t for the British and Americans (where the British played the major role). Not only did the bravery of the British troops give the Hun a licking (twice), we invented radar and the tank, captured an Enigma machine then cracked the code (contrary to the offensive Hollywood interpretation), came up with the Normandy landings plan and countless other acts of courage and ingenuity.

The Empire took civilisation to the world. We gave the third world the rule of law, an infrastructure, protection, and wealth. Name me just one third world Commonwealth country that has benefited from independence.

Generally, the reverse has been true.

Britain was once great, but is being destroyed by the cancer of libertarianism. It is time to cut that cancer out and go back to the values of our forebears.

Student Rant AJ Silvers

Seeking approval

T

HE “WAR on terror" took a dangerous turn this week as Israeli jets destroyed an alleged terrorist training camp in Syria. The camp was linked to Hamas and Islamic Jihad.

The attack brought condemnation from the Arab world, and expressions of regret from most members of the United Nations.

The American government, unsurprisingly, remained supportive of its Middle East ally, threatening to veto a UN resolution drafted by Syria condemning the attack.

The Israeli attack is the most serious incursion in Syrian territory since the 1973 Yom Kippur war.

Damascus has vowed to defend against future attacks and insists the target of the Israeli jets was a refuge camp, not a terrorist base.

Syria’s stance on pro-Palestinian terrorist organisations remains openly supportive. Both Islamic Jihad and Hamas have long established offices in the Syrian capital.

Aside from the obvious escalation in terrorist reprisals, there is a bigger threat lurking behind this development.

The US had, where possible, sought the approval and sanction of the international community for it’s military actions, right up until the UN refused to back the recent war in Iraq.

Israel has never sought approval for its military campaigns and shows no sign of doing so in future.

So what role remains for the UN and its Security Council?

The US has assumed the role of International Policing, with George W Bush as its autocratic Sheriff and Tony Blair as the simple-minded Deputy Dawg.

While the US likes to host peace conferences, it is has the widest deployment of active troops on the planet. Many of these are still, or have recently been, involved in armed conflict.

Such military power makes the UN look impotent and defunct considering its founding premise "to save succeeding generations from the scourge of war, to unite our strength to maintain international peace and security".

Fancy a rant?

E-mail 300 words to gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Opinion

Page 6

October 11 2003

grcobley@cf.ac.uk

MARK

A VOICE YOU CAN TRUST IN A WORLD OF SPIN

Elsewhere...

NOT EVEN THE TORIES could compete with the Catholic Church for nastiness this week.

Papal underlings have been forced to defend their policy of - wait for this - telling believers that condoms don’t work against AIDS. According to crazy Cardinal Alfonso Lopez Trujillo, it is “scientific fact” that condoms have microscopic holes in them that the HIV/AIDS virus can pass through. What rubbish!

An array of groups including the UN, Christian Aid and the World Health Organisation have queued up to blast the Church’s medieval attitude.

But in some areas in the third world, the Church is the only source of education.

So their dogmatic hatred of the humble johnny has probably already sent hundreds of thousands to an early grave.

C H E RY L T W E E DY o f Girls Aloud fame is in court this week, charged with racially aggravated assault.

The court heard she hit a student nightclub employee and called her a “black bitch”.

Tweedy is a stupid little girl who let drink and fame go to her head, but let’s face it, this should have never gone to court.

You hear much worse on a typical night out in Cardiff.

I’m not defending her actions, but I can’t help think that if Tweedy wasn’t famous she wouldn’t have been charged.

Why don’t the police spend their time catching real racists like the scum who murdered Stephen Lawrence?

THOSE CRAZY GUYS at Oxford Students’ Union care very deeply about their students’ welfare.

They’ve generously laid on a coach to transport freshers 500 yards across campus.

The excuse for this shameless waste of students’ cash?

The poor dears might get lost.

The Nasty Party shows its true blue colours

T

ORY CONFERENCE started this week with party chair“man” Theresa May defending her comment that people think they are the “nasty party”.

May says she needed to ‘talk tough’ to get the Con-artists to modernise and bring the party up to date.

Now she reckons they’ve done it.

Sorry, love, but your party’s still about as modern as Queen Victoria.

Leader Iain Duncan Who managed to drown out the din of desperate calls for his resignation long enough to set out some “new” policies.

These include pouring NHS cash into profit-grabbing health firms, raiding schools’ budgets to pay for private education for the privileged few, and sending all asylum seekers to “an island far, far away”.

(When asked where exactly this mystery island was, the reply was “I haven’t the faintest idea”.)

Oh, and they also want to get us kicked out of Europe.

These don’t sound like new policies.

They sound like the same old Thatcherite crap that the Con-artists have been spouting for twenty years.

But the most revealing moment of the conference was when MPwannabe David Metcalfe stood up to speak.

He kicked off his speech by leading a cheer for convicted murderer Tony Martin, who shot a fleeing criminal in the back after police ignored his burglary worries for months.

“We should make prison a genuine p u n i s h m e n t ,” Metcalfe went on.

“Bring back solitary confinement!”

The assembled Tory MPs and delegates from up and down the country applauded enthusiastically.

But Metcalfe was just warming up.

“Bring back caning for young tearaways! Castrate paedophiles! Bring back hanging!”

The Tories went wild. Metcalfe got a standing ovation.

This guy has a good chance of becoming a Tory MP. The few remaining left-wing, sensible Conservatives must have listened to him and despaired.

Putting the moral arguments against

WMDs for sale? Ask the Pentagon!

PRESIDENT BUSH’s War of Errors continues to lurch from disaster to disaster.

The latest screw-up comes from the colossal military white elephant that is the Pentagon - which Bush has stoked with cash by the shovel-load since coming to office.

In a move that is beyond the death penalty aside, clearly Tories have forgotten the dismal parade of botched, unsafe murder convictions down the years.

The Birmingham Six, the Guildford Four, the Bridgwater Four, the M25 Three, the Cardiff Three, Stephen Downing - and these are just the tip of a vast iceberg of judicial gaffes.

And notice the exact words that the Con-artists cheered so loudly.

“Bring back hanging.”

Not “lethal injection”. Not “electric chair”. Not even a firing squad.

No - hanging. An MP candidate for Britain’s second party wants to bring back the barbaric practice of dangling a human being by his neck, twisting and jerking while he dies a slow, painful death.

And he was cheered to the rafters by the Tory conference.

Theresa May claims they’ve “modernised” and moved on.

Don’t believe it for a second.

Sure, their leader is useless and their policies are awful.

But the Con-artists’ biggest problem is that an awful lot of them are just nasty, selfish, intolerant old bastards, with a seriously vicious streak to boot.

incompetence, military chiefs have been flogging biological warfare agents to the general public over the internet.

Congress’ General Accounting Office set up a fake company to investigate, and spent “a little over $4,000” for terror agents worth around $46,000.

Thankfully the sales were stopped

at the end of September after the GAO blew the whistle.

But by then Osama could have kitted out his minions with enough gear for ten September 11s.

No one’s been sacked for this gaffe.

And these people are in charge of all of America’s nukes! Makes you feel real safe, doesn’t it?

Hey, it can talk too!

Thoughts from acting gorilla and “Governator” of California Arnold Schwarzenegger Hello efferybotti, I haff bin asked by meinen gut freund George Bush to write his column dis week.

George iss bussi trying to con de UN into giving him lots more cash to rebuild Iraq after he ignored dem before de war.

Guten luck to him!

Anyvay, I zought I vuld talk to you abouten me getting elected as Governator of California dis veek!

De press iss saying I haff no policies, no ideas and I can barely string a sentence togedder in Englisch.

Zis is rubbish!

Just look at de promises I haff bin making to de people of California during my campaign.

“I think that gay marriage shoult be between a man and a woman.”

“I vill be a champion of vomen, especially de blonde sexy ones.”

“De environment? Don’t vorry about dat.”

“Economics? The public don’t care about the figures...”

“This is really embarrassing. I just forgot de governor’s name. But I know you’ll help me beat him.”

“95 per cent of de people in de world neet to be told vhat to do and how to behave.”

As you can see from vhat I haff said, I vill make an excellent governator. And if you disagree, I vill shoot you in de head!

Hasta la vista, baby!

AGREE? DISAGREE? EMAIL ME AT GRCOBLEY@CF.AC.UK AND IF IT’S ANY GOOD, I MIGHT EVEN PRINT IT

Political Debate

October 11 2003

Page 7

ssugr1@cf.ac.uk

We’re all created equal

But some are more equal than the rest

By Laura Wright

F

rom 5pm last night there were nine soaps on the television. Nine! What is that about? Are we a nation obsessed with sofa side dramas?

I admit that I do enjoy a bit of EastEnders occasionally but I find it such a commitment to be tied to it four times a week and that’s not counting the umpteen other soaps and omnibus versions that are invading our screens. You try to seek solace on another channel, but are confronted with the likes of Changing Rooms, the endless DIY and home improvement channels. You know it’s bad when you lower your sights from unlimited Sky TV to long for the couple of extra joyous channels offered by NTL! It seems that our television sets are betraying us into watching “family television” which secretly feeds the whims of the female audience.

You may think as a girl myself I would be basking in the growing realm of feminism but to be honest I’m growing a little tired of it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good that I can stomp around in clompy trainers and

baggy jeans and drink beer with my lad mates. But I’m not making a statement by doing it, I am just being me.

On the other hand if I couldn’t have my girly moments I couldn’t cope. As pathetic as it sounds, sometimes I like being the feeble female to the masculine strengths of the opposite sex. I was sadly shocked at the news that the ladies rugby team social dictated that they were not allowed to wear short skirts or low cut tops. Fittingly, perhaps, having recently joined the cheerleaders I was a little taken aback when told the dress code was to dress up for the lads. I cannot deny that I loved it!

Long live the denim skirt, high heels and skimpy top! What is a night at the Union without parading around the dance floor, strutting up to the bar and sliding your way to the front of the queue with an innocent smile and revealed cleavage as a response to any querying eyes? (Half the time you’ll often get a drink bought for you in these circumstances!)

I believe in the natural roles that have developed from the past. The male was naturally the stronger partner who inevitably provided for and

protected the woman. Although the advancements in our world mean it may no longer be necessary for the man to provide or protect, why mess with the natural order of nature?

A woman can be as independent as she wishes in life and all respect to her, but fifty percent of her existence is due to the male. I’m all for equality in the majority of situations but I think some feminists take things too far and want to take power away from the male sex. Equal rights were what feminism was about in the past gaining the right to vote and so on but when I see women petitioning in the street for more rights I am inclined to wonder what else they want. Women shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that feminism is about equality, not power.

Agree? Disagree?

Tell us what you think!

Email ssugr1@cf.ac.uk Txt 07781 488311

Good grub Comment

By Naomi Blight

S

eriously, is it just me or is anyone else sick of sandwiches? These seem to be the only form of nourishment available from the Students’ Union these days, what with the three O'Brien's sandwich bars and the extensive range of sandwiches available from the union shop.

Gone are the good old days of curly fries, burgers and jacket potatoes that Seren Las used to serve. Instead, we have over-priced sandwiches with fancy fillings that you have to queue for half an hour to buy.

With the cold winter approaching, and a great deal students being culinarily challenged, I'm sure the option of hot, affordable meals would be attractive to many. It's true, there are places to have hot meals within the university, namely in the main building and Aberconway, but they cannot accommodate the sheer volume of students who use the union on a daily basis. The union is the centre of university life for many students, and should provide facilities for hot, affordable meals.

I'm not suggesting a return to school canteen meals, with Smash mash and a blob of cold semolina, just a standard of food service that is expected from a union of Cardiff's means and size. So some on, give us some decent grub!

Permit pleas

What you’re saying

By Georgina Mavrakis

Owen Griffiths says, “In my last uni (UCL) they had an Orange shop in the union, which I didn’t agree with. I think if companies are general service providers, like Image Express on the ground floor, then that’s OK but large chains shouldn’t be making profits out of students by giving them no

T

ime is up, according to a local traffic warden, for students who have not yet obtained and displayed a residential parking permit in their vehicle.

The warden, who did not want to be named, said that most cars parked without a permit were given a clear warning note containing instructions on how and where to get one.

Students parking their cars in residential areas around the university have been met with more than a few angry faces on their return to Cardiff this semester.

Not only does this hostility come from the usual suspects such as traffic wardens and police, but also from angry neighbours and residential committees.

Some students have experienced sharp notes left on their cars from aggrieved neighbours intending to “help” the council to do their jobs.

Hopefully now with a clearer sense of where and how to get a permit, students shouldn’t see such sharp notes from neighbours metamorphose into even sharper notes from traffic wardens.

You might think it would be a hassle to make the arduous journey to the Bay to request a permit from our friends at Cardiff County Council, but it seems they haven’t really made it that hard for us.

To obtain a free permit just take your vehicle documents and proof of residency (such as your contract) to the address above.

Cardiff County Council, Atlantic Wharf, The Docks, Cardiff Bay Or call 02920 872000 Remember - it’s free and will save you 30 quid!

By Polly March

choice.”

Ope Owoso says, “The union looks good to me. Plenty for fun-loving people to do but I do think O’Brien’s is too expensive. Students like to do quick emergency shopping and it’s not good for that.”

So although external franchises pay for clubs and societies, we don’t want to be taken advantage of.

Andrew Caldicott and Laura Wright

I’m smokin’ a faaaag!

Y

ou have just sat through a two hour lecture with only a ten minute break before your next one. What do you need to get you through?

A caffeine hit, a chocolate break and a quick fag are all necessary preparations to set your mind and body in gear. But now students are now deprived of one of these lifelines. Cast your minds back to before the days of the fire strikes when on a wet, chilly day you could sit and relax with your cigarette in the reassuring odours of the designated university smoking rooms. They were convenient and they were part of daily campus life for many students. Anyone who didn’t want to breathe these fumes didn’t have to enter.

What went wrong? Throughout the fire strike the ban on smoking in buildings was respected and understood but the university took advantage of smokers’ goodwill and maintained the ban. It is still in place to this very day.

Is this the university’s antismoking incentive? Maybe a punishment on those who have succumbed to the habitual temptation of nicotine? Who knows! But next time you walk into your department spare a thought for the poor souls outside who are forced not only to pollute their lungs with tar and nicotine but who are now also under the threat of colds, flu and even pneumonia as they shiver outside, their hands shaking with cold trying to light their wet cigarette with a lighter that is constantly blown out by the wind!

Could it not be considered discrimination against smokers? I grant you that some people may find smoking offensive, which is why separate areas have traditionally been made available to those of us who partake, quite legally, in some stress-reducing weed. So why force us to brave the elements?

Indeed, this endemic has spread to the Students’ Union. The graduate centre has introduced a ban on smoking before 5pm throughout the Cap’n’Gown, where before a corner was made available to the smokers.

Is this the nanny state gone mad?

What do YOU think?

Contact us at: ssugr@cf.ac.uk

Letters

October 11 2003

Page 9

grletters@cf.ac.uk The writer of letter of the week receives two free cinema ticketting ets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. So switch off your TV set and... go watch a bigger one instead. grletters@cf.ac.uk

Sincerely, the Hammer without a Nail

I’m Brian…

Dear gair rhydd, I noticed a couple of points in the reply to Rev J Williams which I have to pick up on, as it is a view I hear increasingly and one I disagree with intensely.

You say religion can bring out the worst in people. I have to say that this is not due to an inherent fault in religion itself, but to man twisting it to meet his own agenda or departing from it completely.

True Christianity (following the beliefs taught by the Bible, not men or the ruling church) does not bring out bad in people. If everyone adhered to the teaching of the Bible the world would be a much better and less dangerous place.

You give the example of a danger of religion as George Bush - a “fundamentalist Christian” making war. If he was a “fundamentalist Christian” he would NOT make wars. Killing and aggression of any kind is taught AGAINST as one of the fundamentals of Biblical teaching. You talk about killing people who don’t believe in the Trinity. Yes this happened - in the middle ages, people who didn't believe in this man-made doctrine were killed by the ruling Catholic Church. You are right to scorn the people who killed these so called ‘heretics’ as killing is a COMPLETE DEPARTURE FROM BIBLICAL TEACHING. God did not sanction this killing and I'm sure is not too fond of the people who did it.

The fundamental point is that there are people throughout history and in the present who call themselves Christians and do bad things.

But this is not a reflection of a weakness in Christianity. True Christianity (as taught by the Bible, not man) is about love, peace, mercy, self sacrifice and humility. People who do things contrary to this (like war and killing) are not following the teachings of Christ and are therefore not Christian.

Jamie Robson (Fourth year psychology) If Rev Williams letter had been like this one, then Pandora’s box might have been left closed. This is what it’s all about. Excellent points, eloquently raised.

…And so’s my wife Dear gair rhydd, The letter and response titled "Life of Brian" was rather imprecise.

First of all, to say that you agree with the basic precepts of the Christian religion is to believe in things like one God, a virgin birth, the resurrection of the dead, the deity of Jesus Christ, Hell, and that morality without God’s grace won't get you very far (if that’s you, more power to you).

But things like peace, love, joy, patience, kindness and Sundays off are not the “precepts” of Christianity. These things are characteristics of most religions (except Sundays off). So, please, let's not try to fit ourselves into some ecumenical box that claims to be “Christian-like” without all the miraculous stuff. Because, the miraculous stuff is the part that is Christian.

And for a good example of morality, I don't think the

is not an end in itself but the expression of belief. So the question I think is not how do we “moralise” the country (or make it a better place), but what do we believe. We can tell people all day long to “love your neighbour” or “be nice” or “work hard” or “pay your taxes” but without some sort of belief to support it the question remains: why should I?

Victorian era is the best place to start. Think Jack the Ripper. And while church attendance may have peaked in the 19th century, let's not assume that everyone suddenly became saintly because of it. Some of the most vindictive, egotistical, self-centred humans lounge in the pews on Sunday mornings. To answer our present ails with a history lesson void of present day application is not only teeth-grinding, it’s a waste of time.

Neither do I think that things like sex education (which is only another form, however liberalised, of institutional morality) will solve the problems like teen pregnancy. Do the warning labels on cigarette cartons stop us from smoking? I mean, how many of us went through sex education and still bonked around unprotected?

Rather, true morality is spawned from belief. Without belief, morality is only a rigid set of rules dictated to us. The Romans believed in strength, honour, and discipline; the Christians believed in Jesus; the Nazis believed in Hitler. Morality

"Precept" means “teaching”. So any one of those things you mention could be a precept (although granted, not necessarily solely Christian). Peace, love, joy, patience, and kindness are all groovy, baby. I meant that I agree with generally being really rather nice to everyone.

Unless they don’t believe the same things as me. Then I have them stoned to death.

Mirror, mirror Dear gair rhydd, I would like to rant about the new NUS cards, cos basically I think they're shite. I queued with the best of them today, to receive my brand spanking sparkly new card, to find that it really wasn't that sparkling at all. In fact it was truly a let down.

My main moan is that the photos are awful. I'm not being a vain girl that hates every photo unless it's professional and I'm stood in the right light, but my particular photo, apart from the fact that it is from the first year and resembles little of my current self, also makes me look 4'5'' and the size of a house! The thing is I just don't really get why they needed to change them at all.

What was wrong with the old swipe and sticker system - it worked, didn't it? Plus these new cards are dead boring, you'd think that if they were going to the effort of making new cards they would be a little more interesting, maybe even at bit more colourful.

Ah, I don't know, I’m moaning about not much really but it just seems to be a reflection of the whole union - making a fuss about changing things, for very little obvious gain. Couldn't the money spent on changing all the cards and the system go on something more useful like more books in the libraries?

Sarah, a fed up third year.

You could pay £10 for a new card and stop your face looking like a spade - everyone knows boys won’t fancy you if you look bad in your NUS photo. The old system was poo. I never once swiped my old card the right way up the first time, resulting in a turnstile in the nuts every time I entered the library, plus all my stickers fell off.

The gair rhydd letters page This page is an opportunity to vent your vitriolic spleen on any issue you like, so get typing, and have your views read by your peers, or at least subjected to jaded, cynical comment... Please email rather than post your letters in, there’s trees out there dying and shit - you’ll make the hippies cry.

As promised, here’s the thorny Christian debate. I realise it’s a contentious issue, and it seems to have ruffled a few feathers. That’s what we’re here for – if this page was maintained by Johnny Fence-Sitter, then you’d get bored easily. Fickle bunch, you guys, but you rock.

Quality stuff this week. Keep it up.

James Anthony

C+, must try harder

Letters is supported

by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff

I also agree with Narky Slut however unlike her I would attempt to write better on sex and have done so, my flatmates would agree. In fact I can write on all uni life.

Indignant first-year writer “Write on ALL uni life”?

You’ve only just got here. Plus that isn’t even a proper sentence, and your grammar is appalling. None of the other years like freshers, and the millisecond you become a second year, you’ll feel the same. All you first years protesting now... just you wait. We were all there once, but we all forget so easily.

Pretentious, moi?

Dear gair rhydd, The editorial comment on the first page of the last issue of Quench is the most offensive piece of writing I have ever had

the misfortune of reading. It's embarrassing to think that such a pathetic imbecile should be in such a position to be able to get an irrelevant rant such as was printed read by anyone. Please assure me that the Quench editor has been relieved of his position.

Yours, Hannah C (Second year maths) I’m guessing the “C" stands for “cliché" then? I dunno. We all like to think we’re different – maybe the piece was playing upon our fear that maybe we’re not each a beautiful unique snowflake...

Or maybe not. That Quench editorial caused quite a stir. I think we have a topic for next week...

Textual Healing Text us: 07791 165837

Is the entire union to be subsumed into o’brien’s reign of fear? u cant have sex with a ghost, thats just shit.

Im going to be a slut in porn idol. The biggest slut of them all! Great big hoare. Laura x Oi non-welsh alien: Cymru am byth u skank whore - Dai Rhys Jones from Ponty-fuckin-pridd I have discovered where the koalas were! There is a small colony of them living at talybont.

They frolic among the shopping trollies in the wee small hours...

David Blaine in a box with no food? Great! Leave him there.

today’s advice: be seen, be safe. regards, big al Timmy go get my industrial sized tub of nutmeg oil, my trouser press and a hammer.

That 12 inch space monkey that wanked in my cuppa soup is going to get it.

Funhouse its a whole lot of fun, prizes to be won, its a real wacky show where anything goes... Just for gavin from pat sharpe The burger queen is bak there grilling away while the burger king reaps all the rewards, shovanist bastard Was last week ltr of the week a joke. fuckin sexist pig.

E-mail your letters to grletters@cf.ac.uk - gair rhydd will attempt to print any letters that I think are good enough. Apologies for those that do not make it due to space restrictions, or are shit. The views expressed in these letters are not usually those of the newspaper or Letters Desk.

Media

Page 10

October 11 2003

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

Xpress yourself

Being Karen Sharp

Cardiff Uni’s student radio station launches on FM this week. gair rhydd Media tunes in

By Becky Storey and Will Dean Media correspondents

By Leigh Debbage Media correspondent

I

T’S TIME to tune your radio to 107.2 FM right now! Yes, it’s that time of year again when Cardiff University’s very own radio station, Xpress Radio, goes live on FM direct from the top floor of the Students’ Union.

Launching at Lashtastic on Friday, Xpress will be on air for the next two weeks, reaching a seven mile radius over Cardiff and broadcasting a fantastic line up of DJs, interviews and even its very own unmissable soap opera, Woodville Road.

In the series, six fictional students deal with the task of surviving university - and each other! Anyone who has shared a house will know that’s an achievement in itself. It’s one of only two soap operas on student radio in the UK, so show your support and tune in.

Head of Speech Based Programming, Justin Jeffries, promises the show to be "EastEnders grittiness meets Footballers’ Wives”. Anybody who tuned in last time Xpress broadcast will have been on the edge of their seats for the cliffhanger ending and with more of the same promised this year, gair rhydd Media guarantees you will be hooked.

Cardiff’s very own student station was founded in 1994 as part of the University Radio Society. However it wasn’t until 1996 that the station was granted a restricted FM license that originally allowed it to run for 28 days.

Due to radio authority licensing laws, Xpress is only allowed to broadcast for a maximum of two months over a twelve month period, hence the occasionally idiosyncratic broadcasts. The advantage of this is those involved get time to hone their skills meaning the actual broadcast output is easily on a par with some of the professional commercial stations.

Since its inception Xpress has gone from strength to strength and is one of the most successful stations of its kind.

It consistently wins awards, most notably at the Radio 1 sponsored Student Radio Awards. Last year the station was nominated in a record breaking 10 different areas, including the coveted Best Station Award. Xpress eventually won three gongs - Best Show, Best Female and Best

W

From its humble headquarters on the fourth floor the ladies of Xpress plot world domination Newcomer - as well as scooping the runner up award for best station.

Several of the station’s DJs, such as Vicki Blight and Nick Simon, have have used Xpress as a springboard to a

“Since its inception Xpress Radio has gone from strength to strength” career in broadcasting, landing highprofile posts at Wales’ foremost independent radio broadcaster Red

Dragon FM, whilst Jamie Dunbar has achieved recognition working for BBC Radio Wales.

When Xpress isn’t gracing the airwaves don’t despair. You can catch it live 24/7 on the internet and around the Union. You need never miss the Xpress Chart again. Xpress Radio is run by students for students, who know exactly what we at Cardiff University want to hear. There are 15 teams all with their own head of department that work together to make this happen, ranging from finance to media relations meaning it’s not all about presenting. The station always welcomes new members so if you fancy getting involved and having your opinions heard, pop into the union and you’ll find Xpress on the fourth floor.

This year will also see the muchdelayed launch of the Xpress internet cafés. The idea of having a constant

Xpress presence in some of the computer rooms around the university was originally mooted a couple of years ago. Last year’s station manager, Hiten Vaghmaria, devoted much of his time to ensuring Xpress had a presence in the university all year round and this year, current incumbent Karen Sharp looks set to finish off the scheme.

“It’s going to benefit everybody to have Xpress in the internet cafés,” she enthuses. “Students will be able to listen to their university’s radio station, whilst Xpress can raise its profile.

People need to realise we’re around all year.”

In addition to the FM broadcast, Xpress now have their own night in the union, Climax, when the events team take over Solus and make it their own.

Next one is October 23; write it in your diaries and remember to tune in from this Saturday!

“Most new members know nothing...”

An Xpress member on organising the broadcast

By Rachel Pegum SO YOU THOUGHT that student radio was easy. Just some bloke sitting behind a mic? Well, think again. You won’t believe how much goes into putting a broadcast together.

Media gets noholds barred access to the Xpress Radio head honcho

For any society or group to be successful, it needs people. Every year Xpress Radio recruits countless eager and talented budding radio enthusiasts for the year’s upcoming broadcasts. Whether these new members become directly involved with the actual broadcast on the station or whether they join one of our

many other departments their contribution is essential to the success of the station.

Executive members of the station then give all the new members training in their respective sections. This includes written handbooks, practical demonstrations and weekly departmental meetings where the

new members can learn more about the radio and develop their own role within the working of it. Most new members join the station with no previous experience in radio so it’s the exec’s job to get them up to scratch.

Rachel Pegum is Head of Producers at Xpress Radio

hen she wasn’t running around like Arnie at a grope and tell convention, you might have caught Karen having a boogie at the Xpress launch in Lash on Friday. “I was the one practising my own brand of semi-break-dancing,” she says over a hot chocolate in Bute café. “Damn right it was sexy.”

Friday was a busy day for Miss Sharp, who’s enjoying the challenges of her new role as Xpress Station Manager. Around making plans for the Global Village and discussing ways to get all of Cardiff’s students to Climax (Xpress’s exclusive union night on Thursdays), she was setting up for another successful Xpress launch party, putting up posters and organising her team, while sporting the dashing 107.2 jogging vest (“Got our frequency”).

Those of you who made it to Lash would have heard the Xpress preview at midnight, giving you a taster of what to listen out for over the next few weeks. From then on it was all a bit of a blur for KS and the Xpress crew, though if you heard strange noises coming from the steakhouse at four in the morning, look no further.

On the forthcoming weeks on air, Karen says: “It’ll be hard work, but it’ll be great to have Xpress ruling the waves once again. As long as I get my daily Neighbours break and swivel chair race then I’m in for the long haul."

Media muddle Funniest error of the week must go to Newcastle’s Pulp magazine. The lead article was an interview with ex-Take That moppet Mark Owen. However, due to computer or human stupidity none of the questions were printed, leaving readers to wonder what had prompted the deep and insightful answers from young Mark. Particularly puzzling was the one word answer, “DEAD”. We can only presume he was asked about Gary Barlow’s solo career.

Not that we at gair rhydd Media are above making mistakes. No less than four have been pointed our from last week’s section, so we feel it’s only fair that we name and shame ourselves.

Hopefully our punishment will be to be whipped by the writers for the fashion section, who will be wearing tight PVC catsuits.

Exeter University’s Exeposé has improved greatly since it graced our offices last summer. However there is absolutely no excuse for covering the front page in a headache-inducing yellow for the Freshers’edition. Hopefully it didn’t give the new arrivals the wrong impression as a nice grey would more accurately reflect the spirit of the city.

GA

Media

October 11, 2003

Page 11

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

The new Noel Edmonds?

Media profiles the DJs and behind the scenes teams aiming to become the new radio stars of the future DJ PROFILE

Roop Jones Fancying a lie in, Roop has moved from breakfast to the drivetime slot as he continues on his quest to become a slimmer, funnier version of Chris Moyles. Along with sidekick Tom Bowker, Roop’s shows have become renowned for on-air anarchy, a slightly dubious Countdown take-off and relentless harrying of long put-upon producer Karen. Roop is also currently head of daytime programming at the station, so is responsible for all the other mainstream shows.

DJ PROFILE

Manners From humble origins playing heavy metal rock opera late at night in his first year at Cardiff, the award winning Manners has risen through the ranks of Xpress Radio to become one of the leading specialist DJs. That Punk Show does exactly what it says on the tin, mixing the latest punk tunes with his own irreverent brand of humor. Like punk, love Manners.

SHOW PROFILE

Woodville Road Woodville Road is the student soap for Cardiff. Following the lives of six housemates as they struggle to get through uni, the show promises tension, drama, sex and more. Going out weekly at 6.45, with a special omnibus on Sunday, it’ll soon have you addicted.

SHOW PROFILE

The Pulse Every hour during the day, The Pulse brings you up to the minute student news with live reports and in-depth interviews.

The dedicated team of journalists that make up The Pulse ensure that if anything’s going on in Cardiff, they’ll be first two it. With many of the newsreaders going on to illustrious careers in broadcast journalism, The Pulse is the byword for student news.

DJ PROFILE

Mike McCarthy Students may have seen a fair bit of Mike around the union over the last couple of weeks. Bearing an unfortunate resemblence to the runners from the 118 adverts, Mike was chosen to be the face of Xpress Radio’s publicity campaign, “We’ve got your frequency”. For his sins the boy has been dressed up in a running top and gurning all over Cardiff.

Mike is unusual (no, not in that sense - we know that already) in that he’s the only maths student to have his own show on Xpress.

Along with producer Anna and her guitar, Mike waxes lyrical between 3 and 5 o’clock every weekday.

SHOW PROFILE

Priority Priority is Xpress Radio’s weekly new music show and winner of “Best Student Show” at the Radio 1 Student Media Awards.

Priority is the place where interviews with bands like the Foo Fighters and Supergrass are broadcast. Coming up this Monday are exclusive chats with Ed Harcourt, Clearlake and DJ Format with Bell x1 in session.

DJ PROFILE

Suzanne Carter Breakfast show presenter Suzanne Carter is not new to radio. She started her career at hospital radio but then developed her talents on Xpress Radio gaining her name as the Second Best Newcomer in the Radio 1 Student radio Awards, Radio 1 Super Summer Clubber 2003 and the new Saturday night presenter on Swansea’s very own The Wave Radio station. But she still has the time to squeeze in a show or to between her studying for Xpress Radio.

This year, Suzanne’s spot has been changed from mid morning presenting which included the notorious Battle of the Sheep and the Get Gary Fat Campaign, to the new time of 8-10am with Suzi C and the Breakfast Crew, with a host of new features including the Pop Idol Competition, Morning Post and Friday’s Film Review, The Cut. As well as the usual antics of Tricky Dicky Dares and some unplanned features.

“There’s loads going on for this year’s broadcast as well as off air activities, with our night in the union Climax and the roadshows.”

She may be small in stature but this girl is more than a mouthful to handle in the mornings.

DJ PROFILE

Adam Brooks Since Adam’s been at Xpress, firstwith his own show, The Infirmary, and then onto the prestigious position of hosting Priority last year, the boy’s done well, grabbing awards a plenty in addition to hobnobbing with the rich and famous in order to bring you as many exclusives as possible. It’s a hard life for some.

When he’s not bringing you the best in alternative and rare music, Adam studies Communications and fronts the band Easily Led, who promise to play a few gigs in Cardiff in the near future. You can also catch him on most music channels in his side project Subb.

He claims it’s not him, but unless he’s got an evil twin, it couldn’t be anybody else.

Despite nearly sharing a surname with with former Big Breakfast presenter and model Kelly Brook, Adam’s breasts are real.

Xpress Radio: music for the masses, week one

Taf-Od

Tud 12

4 Hydref 2003

tafod@cf.ac.uk

Yn geiban ond yn gwibio Owain a Cai yn barod i lenwi’r gwacter Gan Rhys Iorwerth FONEDDIGION A foneddigesau, fyfyrwyr o bob lliw a llun … fe hoffai Taf-Od gyhoeddi gyda phleser pur y bydd gan Radio Xpress sioe Gymraeg yn gwibio ar hyd ei thonfeddi eleni.

Owain Roberts a Cai Jones ydi’r ddau gyflwynydd newydd sy’n barod i lansio Radio Gwib, a hynny gan ddilyn ôl mawrion yn y maes fel Ian Cottrell a John o John ac Alun.

Mae’r cyfan yn rhan o ymgyrch Anna Gruffydd, y Swyddog Materion Cymreig, i hybu’r iaith yn yr Undeb a gyda lwc mi fydd Radio Gwib yn chwarae rhan allweddol yn yr ymdrech honno.

Meddai Anna ei hun: “Rwy’n edrych ymlân shwd gymaint at glywed sioe gynta Radio Gwib. Mae’n beth ffantastic bod Owain a Cai mor awyddus i gyfrannu ac all pethau ond fynd o nerth i nerth!”

Mae’r manylion wrthi’n cael eu cadarnhau o ran slot ac amser ond mi fydd Radio Gwib yn taro’r tonfeddi o fewn yr wythnosau nesa. Cadwch olwg yn Taf-Od ac ar dudalennau Radio Xpress yn Gair Rhydd i gael gwybod pryd yn union.

Cyn hynny, ac fel rhagflas o’r hyn sydd i ddod, mi fachodd Taf-Od ar y cyfle i holi Owain a Cai am Radio Gwib, am y dyfodol, ac am fywyd yn gyffredinol yn y byd sydd ohoni.

Reit ta, hogia. Fedrwch chi ddeud gair neu ddau am Radio Gwib, gan gofio nad oes yna neb wedi clywed amdano fo (na chithau chwaith) erioed o’r blaen?

CJ: Wel sioe radio Gymraeg ar Radio Xpress, yn chwarae cerddoriaeth Gymraeg ac yn hybu heddwch, cyfalafiaeth, yr enaid ddynol a’r ddynol natur.

OR: A masnach deg hefyd, ac Ian Cottrell.

Ydi Ian Cottrell yn dipyn o arwr i chi?

CJ: Ian Cottrell ydi’r dyn!

OR: Dwi’n ei edmygu am ei fod o’n foi golygus a hudolus sy’n byrlymu efo animal instinct naturiol.

CJ: Ac mi ddylai ei frwdfrydedd o at fywyd fod yn ysbrydoliaeth i ni i gyd.

Felly efelychu Ian Cottrell ydi’ch gobaith chi wrth lansio Radio Gwib?

OR: Wel mi fuasai hynny yn amhosibl i fod yn onest. Yn anffodus dwi’m yn ein gweld ni byth yn cyrraedd y fath uchelfannau.

CJ: Rhowch hi fel hyn, tydi offeiriaid yr efengyl ddim yn breuddwydio am fod yn Iesu Grist!

I fod yn fwy difri, sut math o gerddoriaeth allwn ni ddisgwyl ei glywed?

OR: Miwsig Cymraeg o safon, ond gwahanol o bosib i be sy’n cael ei glywed ar bethau fel Radio Cymru. Mae’r sîn yn gyffrous ar y funud efo bands fel Jakokoyak, Kentucky AFC, MC Mabon a Mozz. Gobeithio y gallwn ni fanteisio ar hynny.

CJ: Cyfuniad o’r newydd a’r hen – efallai bydd y bandiau’n gyfarwydd ond y caneuon yn fwy gwahanol ac

annisgwyl.

OR: Dydan ni ddim yn anelu at blesio neb yn benodol – mi wnawn ni chwarae beth bynnag ydan ni isio!

CJ: Heblaw am Caban. Maen nhw allan ohoni.

Radio Gwib ... Cyflwyno’r Cyflwynwyr

Ydach chi’n gobeithio y bydd Radio Gwib yn arwain at bethau mwy?

CJ: Ddim yn gobeithio – dan ni’n gwybod!

OR: Mi alla i weld mewn blynyddoedd y bydd yna Deledu Gwib, Sianel Ddigidol Gwib, plaid Wleidyddol Gwib...

CJ: Er na fydd Radio Gwib yn wleidyddol o gwbl, neu oleia ddim yn fwriadol.

Allan o’r ddeuawd fyd-enwog, John ac Alun, pa un ydi’r ffefryn a pham?

OR: John heb os nac oni bai. Mae yna rywbeth i’w glodfori ym mhawb sy’n tyfu barf.

CJ: Wel mi fuaswn i’n anghytuno ac yn deud Alun. Mae gan bawb sy’n tyfu barf rywbeth i’w guddio!

Ian ydi dy enw iawn di, Cai. Ond dwyt ti ddim yn ei ddefnyddio! Be sy’n bod ar Ian? CJ: Does yna ddim byd yn bod ar Ian, ond fyddai hi ddim yn weddus i’w ddefnyddio fo pan mae yna rywun fel Ian Cottrell yn rhannu’r un enw.

OR: Mi fyddai hynny’n dangos amharch at y dyn ei hun.

“Mae gan bawb sy’n tyfu barf rywbeth i’w guddio” Be ydi prif anghyfiawnderau mawr y byd heddiw?

OR: Bod Starsailor yn cynhyrchu albyms.

CJ: Bod Bill Hicks wedi marw a bod sioe Jim Davidson yn gallu gwerthu allan yn Neuadd Dewi Sant. A bod y bastards yna yn Pobl y Cwm wedi troi cefn ar Huw Ceredig er gwaetha blynyddoedd o wasanaeth ffyddlon i’r rhaglen.

OR: Bod Stuart Cable wedi ei ddiswyddo hefyd – mae hynny’n warth a chywilydd. Mi fydd Radio Gwib yn sefydlu Cable Inquiry!

CJ: Ac un arall ydi bod Ian Cottrell ddim yn Frenin gwlad.

Oes gan Radio Gwib unrhyw sloganau eto?

CJ: Oes, sawl slogan.

OR: Radio Gwib, Gogyrniad Hud...

Radio Gwib, Wancio ar Speed... Radio Gwib, Cadw Masnach yn Deg...

CJ: Radio Gwib, Watsia dy Dîn...

Radio Gwib, Keeping it Real... Radio Gwib, Yn Llenwi’r Gwacter I orffen, oes yna unrhyw beth arall pwysig i’w ddweud?

CJ: Yn amlwg dydan ni erioed wedi gwneud peth fel hyn o’r blaen ac mi gymerith hi amser i ni ffeindio’n ffordd.

Os fydd pethau ddim yn gweithio, oleia mi fyddwn ni wedi trio!

OR: Dipyn o hwyl ydi o yn y pendraw. Dim byd rhy serious. Os gawn ni unrhyw un i wrando arna ni a mwynhau, dwi’n meddwl bydd hynny’n llwyddiant.

Owain a Cai yn y cnawd (uchod) ac Owain a Cai ar bapur (isod) OWAIN [HUW] ROBERTS Enw: Owain [Huw] Roberts Cwrs: 3ydd Blwyddyn Hanes Modern a Gwleidyddiaeth Cartref: Yr Wyddgrug Hoff Gyflwynwyr: John Peel, Huw Stephens, Steve Lamacq, Idris Charles Hoff Dafarn yng Nghaerdydd: Y Pen-Gafr (Goat Major) Hoff fand: The Frames Hoff liw carped: Porffor neu Biws Hoff berson yn y byd i gyd: Henry Kissinger

[IAN] CAI JONES Enw: [Ian] Cai Jones Cwrs: 3ydd Blwyddyn Hanes Modern a Gwleidyddiaeth Cartref: Caernarfon Hoff Gyflwynwyr: Eddie Temple Morris, Jonsi, Alun (o John ac Alun) Hoff Dafarn yng Nghaerdydd: Bar yr Hilton neu yfed cans yn Bute Park Hoff fand: Beck Hoff liw carped: Melyn Hoff berson yn y byd i gyd: Donald Rumsfeld

Mim Twm Llai yn agor ei big yn y Toucan MIM TWM LLAI, SWEET BABOO Clwb y Toucan, 25 Medi

Gan Thomas Little HON OEDD yr ail noson i Gymdeithas yr Iaith ei chynnal yn y Toucan ar nos Iau ola’r mis ac os bydd pethau’n para fel hyn mi fydd y cyfan yn dod yn llwyddiant ysgubol.

Roedd y clwb yn ymylu ar fod yn orlawn, a’r mwyafrif llethol o’r rheini oedd yno yn Gymry Cymraeg wedi dod i wylio Mim Twm Llai.

Mi fuodd yna ychydig o stwr yn ddiweddar ynghylch penderfyniad y Gymdeithas i roi artistiaid sy’n canu setiau Saesneg i chwarae ochr yn ochr â’r actiau Cymraeg.

Dadl y Gymdeithas oedd fod hynny’n anorfod er mwyn denu digon o gynulleidfa i wneud y noson yn llwyddiant – ar ôl y noson hon efallai y bydd yn rhaid iddyn nhw ail-feddwl neu ddod o hyd i ddadl arall.

Digon teg fod y sylw a’r gymeradwyaeth a gafodd Sweet Baboo , yr act oedd yn cefnogi, yn sylweddol.

Digon teg hefyd nad pawb oedd yn meddwl fod y canwr, er gwaetha’r harmonïo swynol, yn taro deuddeg a fyntau’n agor ei set efo gitâr pedwar llinyn a fuasai wedi ffitio i mewn i’w boced.

Ta waeth, talu i ddod i weld Mim Twm Llai wnaeth y rhan fwyaf a’r hyn oedd yn apelio yn fwy na dim oedd yr awyrgylch a naws gyffredinol y lle. Gigiau

Mim Twm Llai: noson awcwstig i’w chofio yn y Toucan awcwstig ydi’r rhain ac mae modd i rywun fwynhau heb deimlo rheidrwydd i wylio pob munud o bob cân.

Nid na fuasai neb wedi cwyno o orfod gwneud hynny – mi oedd Mim Twm Llai mewn hwyliau a’r gynulleidfa yn ymateb ac yn rhannu’r un ysbryd.

Doedd yna ddim byd yn crynhoi hynny’n fwy na phan dorrodd Gai Toms ddau linyn mewn un strymiad a fyntau’n gorfod rhoi’r gorau iddi am y tro heb gitâr sbâr.

Mi aeth yn ei flaen ar ôl rheg neu ddwy – yn ei flaen ormod, mi glywais i rai yn gwarafun – ond roedd y noson ar y cyfan yn un i’w chofio.

Brychan Llyr sy’n chwarae mis nesaf – mi fydd yna edrych ymlaen a’i ymddangosiadau yng Nghymru mor brin.

Dim ond bod rhaid gofyn, os bydd pob gig cystal â hon, pam na all yr achlysur fod yn uniaith Gymraeg o hyd.

COLOFN Y COFI ALLTUD (II) WEL, DYMA FI, y Cofi Alltud, wedi dychwelyd efo fy ail golofn ond petai gofyn bod yn onest tydw i ddim mymryn callach sut i fwrw ati efo hon mwy nag oeddwn i efo’r gynta. Mae gofyn i rywun fel fi sy’n newydd i’r gamp o sgwennu droedio llwybr llithrig a charegog ar y naw a phob ymddiheuriadau os digwydd i mi faglu ar fy ffordd.

A baglu, yn wir, y gwnes i yn bendrawmwnwgl rhyw ddiwrnod wythnos dwytha hwnnw’n un annifyr ei naws a dweud y lleia. Wyddwn i ddim o gwbl fod y ddinas yma yn lle mor fawr, yn enwedig pan mai’r unig beth o’n i ei angen oedd peint distaw allan o dwrw’r holl fyfyrwyr blwyddyn gynta sydd fel pla o forgrug o gwmpas Cathays.

Ond dim Caernarfon ydi Caerdydd, a dim hogyn hapus ydi Cofi Alltud sy’n mynd ar goll. Mi ffeindiais i fy hun draw yng nghyffiniau Ninian Park mewn tafarn heb ffenestri a honno’n llawn o ddynion heb ddim dannadd a byrddau’n sownd i’r llawr. Tydw i dal heb benderfynu ai fanno ynteu Cathays a’i forgrug oedd y lle saffa i fod.

Ta waeth am hynny, mi ddois i drwy’r drin a hynny mewn un darn, ac allith Cofi Alltud fel fi ond diolch i’r Duw holldrugarog am ei ofal a’i nerth wrth fy nhywys ar fy ffordd.

A dipyn bach o ofal a nerth yn wir y gallwn i fod wedi ei fagu y bora hwnnw ar ôl crôl Mab a Tad y Gym Gym a finna fel rhyw gadach golchi llestri yn trio sgwennu fy ngholofn a fy mhen i’n trybowndian fel tasai’r Brython neu Rhys Teifi ei hun wedi mynd i overdrive ar wyth gram o gocên rhwng fy nghlustiau.

Mewn sefyllfa o’r fath allith rhywun neud dim byd ond cofio am Percy Galore yn ymosod ar deulu o eirth y tu allan i’r Prince of Wales efo digon o angerdd ac ymroddiad i dynnu cachu o din y dewraf ... dim ond biti am y genod diniwed y tu ôl i’r siwts.

A biti hefyd bod y gaeaf du a’i dywydd yn anadlu lawr ein cefnau a’r glaw ar fin dychwelyd i’n socian yn ddyddiol drachefn. Mi fuodd hi’n ha i’w gofio ac mi fydd yr atgofion yn llifo’n felys hir-felyn braf hyd y bydda i byw.

Ond dyna ddigon o sentimentaleiddio - mae gen y Cofi Alltud beint i’w yfed ac mae’r syched yn tagu’i lwnc. Wela i chi wythnos nesa.

Learn and Live Dysgu Byw Some vital phrases to get the Welsh language virgin started!

Gair neu ddau i helpu’r rhai ansicr eu taf-od yn y Gymraeg!

I am fond of ice-cream Rwyf yn hoff o hufen iâ I am not particularly fond of sticky toffee pudding Nid ydwyf yn rhy hoff o bwdin toffi gludiog I shall eat the cake if it does not contain nuts Fe fwytaf y deisen os nad oes ynddi gnau

Free Stuff

October 11 2003

Page 13

grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk

Win a pizza party!

Freshers’ Week is just a distant and rather patchy memory. The honeymoon period’s over. The work’s beginning, the food shelves are empty and the nightly house parties have all but dried up.

Which is why we’ve teamed up with our good friends at Domino’s Pizza to give one

lucky reader and a load of mates the chance to keep the flame burning for one more night (and maybe even the next morning if there are any leftovers), as we combine the favourite two ‘p’ words of all students: pizza and party.

It’s simple – you provide the venue and the starving students and we’ll provide the ammo. Not only will you get five large pizzas of your choice, but Domino’s will also throw in five garlic pizza breads, five por-

tions of potato wedges and five bottles of Coke to wash it all down. It’ll be a party that’ll take some topping!

All you have to do to get your hands on the loot is answer the following question: How many slices are there on a large Domino’s Pepperoni Passion (pictured right)?

Pot luck!

Mr Nice has since moved on from bookshop readings, to pub debates and culminating in this fascinating stage show which combines debates on legalisation with compelling recollections of his dealings with such organisations as the Mafia, MI6 and the CIA. What makes it such a classic though is the man’s charisma, wit and imagery that is up there with any modern day stand-up.

We at gair rhydd can be nice too, and we’re offering you the chance to get your hands on the new DVD, which not only includes a live recording from his sell-out tour, but bundles of extras, including interviews and backstage footage. Just send us your answer to this simple question: Howard Marks has become somewhat of a hero to our generation in his undying cause to legalise cannabis ever since his release from a decade behind bars. His engrossing bestselling book Mr Nice will undoubtedly grace many of your bookshelves – Marks himself expressed surprise at how popular his work, whch was originally written to jog the memories of fellow elderly hippies, has been among young people.

Win Mr Nice DVD Which Welsh band wrote a song about Howard Marks?

A: Manic Street Preachers B: Super Furry Animals C: Mull Historical Society

To enter any of the competitions on this page drop your answers - and pigeons - into the competitions pigeon hole in the gair rhydd office on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union. Or post them to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff, CF10 3QN Or ‘electromail’ them to: grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk

Win a meal for two at the Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant, two meals with rice (excluding King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlick).

Open Sunday - Thursday 6pm till 1am. Friday and Saturday 6pm - 2am.

10 Mackintosh Place, 02920 481805

Livefree4aweek.net Name:________________________ E-mail:_______________________

This week’s winner, Charlotte Wicks, studies at Swansea Uni, and does Business Studies

Tiebreaker: If Alan Partridge and David Brent mated, what would be the catchphrase of the offspring? ___________________________________________________________________________ Last week’s winner: Richard Caldicott, English Literature

Television

October 11 2003

Page 19

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Your essential guide to this week’s TV 11 October to 17 October

Mikey the pikey

Portillo becomes scouse dole scum for a week

HOT

Derren Brown Did he? Didn’t he? The debate rages.

Well, actually it doesn’t now that copper’s blabbed, but still Live Russian Roulette last Sunday was one of the most riveting pieces of TV I’ve seen in a good while. Makes Blaine look like a twat in a box.

SOAPS Hello soapy fans! This week’s soap advice is girl-tastic. But not in a bimbo-whack kinda way (you have Hollyoaks for that, perverts) but in a high velocity kick-in-theass YES kind of way. On one hand, there’s Sky Mangell, Neighbours’ (weekdays, 5.35pm) best EVER character. Anyone who actively tells Max and Summer she doesn’t want any pancakes so she can go and listen to music on her own is fine by me. And she dissed Silverchair, which in Erinsbrough is like telling Russell Crowe you don’t like his face. And over in Family Affairs (weekdays, 6.30pm) there is now officially a reason to watch it. No, seriously. Her name’s Lucy and the actress used to play Kate in Night and Day. Expect both to cause a lot of hassle, particularly to Harold and the ever-slappable Roy. Meow.

OK chaps, get your lips round this...

Complete and utter TV highlight of the week has to go to When Michael Portillo Became A Single Mum (BBC2, Wednesday, 9pm).

Quite how the BBC convinced old rubberlips himself to bring himself down to the level of a single mother from Merseyside I’ll never know, but I do know riveting TV when I see it. Childless, rich politician Mike has to look after four scouse brats and hold down mum Jenny’s two jobs as a shelf stacker and classroom assistant. With a limited budget and a karoke party for 12 year olds to organise, it’s hardly surprising the MP from Kensington and Chelsea is out of his depth.

What we can all learn from this I’m not sure, but I’ll never pass up the opportunity to have a good old laugh at a politician whose head is usually way up his own arse.

“The time is nigh”, quoth TV John. And so it is, because after two whole weeks of putting it off, Pobol Y Cwm (S4C, Tuesday, 8pm) is officially pick of the week, number one! I’m already being lambasted for choosing this by my fellow writers but given that I sat through the entire omnibus on Sunday and didn’t at any point think anything beneath the level of “amazing!”, I can’t hold back the desire to urge everyone else to get on board. The soap world’s most consistently stressed and incapable man, Brendon, is a car crash in motion he can’t control his feelings for former partner Cassie, whilst trying (for some reason) to

DIGITAL WATCH The big cheese this week is the start of and, well, pretty much the entirety of a so-called “experiment” into the psychological profiles of our future generations to discover an inner depth to the adolescent psyche.

Actually, nah, it’s Teen Big Brother (E4, most days, 11.05pm) and ohmygodohmygod oh. my. god. - two of them actually do the do. Yes, rumpy-pumpy, hanky-panky, fish-gutting, kebab-boning SEX occurs in the house between two people. More proof that the kids of Britain do EVERYTHING before their supposedly more mature and experienced elders, the lowest of all low acts is now hung, drawn and quartered by the youth of today. Excellent. At this point you’re wondering how I, a lowly television hack, know this but that’s because unlike Big Brother for people who don’t have to ask permission to use the house phone, this series, despite being on E4, C4 and S4C, isn’t live in any way whatsoever so there’s no phone vote, no soul destroying popularity contest, no Big Brother’s Little Brother, no alcohol, no nothing. It’s just eight precocious little shites sucking balls and already negotiating the rights to that Heat magazine cover. And as a result, impeccable television.

keep order as chief entrepreneur of a Christmas cracker making company. You honestly don’t need the return of Dirty Den; Brendon is the most captivating character in television right now. Just have a pinch of salt ready for the rest of the show.

Elsewhere, finally ...Forever has returned to late night ITV1 (Saturday 2am). The premise is so cheap it’s almost unbelievable, in that it is literally just a collection of music video clips strung together under some sort of “theme” (this week’s being “families”), while a moderately sarcastic narrator talks over the top and attempts to fit at least four or five no-name early 90s indie bands in, regardless of their relevance, surely do to with some seriously not-so-hidden agenda. It requires minimal effort to watch and probably took even less to produce but

sometimes that’s all you want, isn’t it?

TV John has seriously avoided the smut this week, so I think I’ll settle the score because I know that in busy term time we all get seriously deprived (or should that be depraved?). So, wax strips at the ready and baby oil a-go-go, it’s Who Wants to Be a Centrefold?

(Five, 11.05pm, Monday) I’m not actually sure that this programme will be a den of dirty delights as it rightly should be - but I think it is important to know exactly how to spread your legs when the right moment comes along. So for educational purposes this is essential viewing. Find out who the Playmate of the Year is and get a nocturnal emission for free! Genius.

After a mindbendingly good opening episode last Sunday, Magick (C4, 11.10pm) promises to deliver more twisted entertainment in spades as Barry Jones and Stuart MacLeod perform more dark and dirty magic on the public and each other whilst Aphex Twin and Two Lone Swordsmen burble along in the background.

Finally Friday leads us to the new series of Later... with Jools Holland (BBC2, 11.35pm) with the usual array of legends, losers and world musicians you’ve never heard of.

This week the wonderful REM, British Sea Power and Jamelia lead the way whilst the pointless Yoko Ono and legendary (apparently) Buddy Guy complete the line up.

There’s nothing else like it on TV so enjoy it while it lasts folks.

Nightnight!

VIDEOS TO RENT:BUY You remember those old science videos you used to get shown in primary school? Well, some clever chap’s had the idea of turning them into a rather spiffing comedy series.

Originally shown after the last series of The League Of Gentlemen Look Around You showcased the fine comic talents of Peter Serfinowitz (Spaced, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace) and Robert Popper (erm, Look Around You) and brought happy smiles to all those who remembered waiting for the blue clock to tick round and the school’s programming to begin. Finally the whole series, plus the award winning short film on Calcium, has been collected together to form a rather lovely DVD. This can be purchased from shops on Monday for the exchange of pounds or sexual favours. As well as all the episodes, commentaries, pop video and extra bits the DVD also comes packed with page after page of fake Ceefax - essential for all fans of late night teletext.

As a sampler, here’s a question from their text book!

Q: If one Greek drachma (Gk Dr) is worth 1 1⁄2 Greek drachmas, how many lamps can be bought from the market, if each lamp is four times the cost of each other lamp, the cost being the same as it was the year before last?

A: The market does not sell lamps

NOT

Tigers Par ticularly those being kept as pets. After the mauling of magician Roy Horn and “Ming” who went nuts in his owner’s flat in New York, it looks like a bleak time for the ginger killers. Shame as there’s nothing better than a nice big pussy.

SPORT Another week of “guess the Premiership rapist” in the tabloids whilst the minor matter of Euro 2004 Qualifiers (Saturday, various times) and the Rugby World Cup (ITV1, all week) should keep the rest of us entertained. Expect England to slaughter Georgia in Oz and get slaughtered on and off the pitch in Istanbul...

FILMS Get ready to get angry, disturbed and thoughtful, because American History X is on (C4, Saturday, 10.55pm). Ed Norton and Ed Furlong star as brother Nazis in Los Angeles. Prison is the release that Derek needs to open his eyes... Never that easy though, is it?

RADIO TV Desk regulars know that we have something of a penchant for Björk and her fantastic music.

So if you’re of a similar inkling, then you’ll be pleased to know that Stuart Maconie’s Critical List (Radio 2, Saturday, 8pm) will be featuring her Post album.

Brimming with talent, ingenuity and great pop tunes, Björk’s second album is a firm fan favourite and deserves more public attention than her dire cover of It’s Oh So Quiet. Maconie pops up again on Tuesday in Double Trouble (Radio 4, 11:30am) talking about Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson and their roots, from the Dangerous Brothers to the cultural abomination that was Guest House Paradiso. And finally, musos can revel in REM live on Mark and Lard on Wednesday (Radio 1, 1pm).

Television

Page 20

October 11 2003

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Saturday 11 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Bill and Ben 06.30 CBBC: Enchanted Lands 06.40 Moomin 07.05 UBOS 07.30 Mona the Vampire 07.40 Tom and Jerry Kids 08.05 Looney Tunes 08.35 What's New Scooby Doo? 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Grandstand 13.05 Grandstand 45th Anniversary Feature 13.10 Racing from Ascot 13.25 Rugby World Cup Feature 13.40 Racing from Ascot 13.55 Valentino Rossi Feature 14.10 Racing from Ascot 14.30 Snooker 14.45 Racing from Ascot 15.00 Snooker 15.45 Football Half-Times 15.55 Snooker 16.30 Wales on Saturday 17.15 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 17.40 Born to Win 18.40 Only Fools and Horses 19.30 The National Lottery: Winning Lines 20.15 Casualty 21.05 Silent Witness 22.05 BBC News; Weather 22.25 Parkinson Guests: Clint “typecast actor personified” Eastwood, Sheryl “one song regurgitated” Crow, Ben “dangerously un-hilarious” Elton, and Jennifer “crap Dawn French” Saunders. All with books to promote, mindwarping crap humorous anecdotes, and a plethora of nonexistent information to reveal to Parky.

23.25 FILM: Narrow Margin *** 01.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 01.50 They Think It's All Over 02.25 A Question of Sport 02.55 Top of the Pops Stop buying that Black Eyed Peas single, yeah.

It’s all YOUR fault, not mine.

06.00 Weekend 24 09.15 The Sharp End with Clive Anderson 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Ever Wondered about Food? All the time, yeah? Right now, a baguette with brie, devoured like Ben Horne in Twin Peaks would be more than perfect.

12.00 See Hear 13.00 The Sky at Night 13.25 The Middle Classes: Their Rise and Sprawl 13.55 What the Victorians Did for Us 14.05 My Greatest Hits 14.30 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 15.00 FILM: The Flame and the Arrow **** 16.25 FILM: Trapeze *** Hopefully a hardhitting drama about the life of a trapeze artist, as opposed to a tedious metaphor, which is more likely.

18.10 Steptoe and Son 18.40 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em And some mothers do the right thing and don’t.

Unfortunately not the writers, filmers and stars of this shockwave of shag.

19.10 International Football Live: Wales v Serbia and Montenegro. Wales should win, but don’t count your chickens.

22.00 Snooker 22.35 FILM: The French Connection II *** Err... two Gene Hackman films clashing on the same night on the BBC. Shurely some mishtake, co-ordinators? Anyway, he’s not worth investing in a video for. Or even using the one you’ve got. 00.30 Celebdaq 01.00 Snooker Extra Note how they never pot the white, and then forget to chalk the cue and knock the balls off the table. Which is why “Union Pool” would blatantly make more edge-of-the-seat viewing. 03.00 BBC Learning Zone: Curriculum Development: AS Guru: Biology 2

06.00 GMTV 10.15 Rugby World Cup 2003: France v Fiji 12.25 Rugby World Cup 2003 12.55 ITV News; Weather 13.00 HTV News and Weather 13.05 F1: Japanese Grand Prix Qualifying 14.20 SMTV Gold 15.20 CD:UK 16.05 Rugby World Cup 2003 17.05 HTV News and Weather 17.20 ITV News 17.35 You've Been Framed!

18.05 Celebrities under Pressure With Tony “What exactly did Reborn in the USA do to my career apart from lumber me with jobs like this?” Hadley, doing something crap like plate spinning or crocodile fishing.

19.05 Pop Idol 20.05 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

21.05 Pop Idol Results 21.35 Euro 2004 Qualifying: Turkey v England The big one. Given how every England match these days is hyped to within an inch of its life, they’ve seriously pulled out all the stops this time. Strikes!

Rio missing a drugs test because he can’t read his own diary! The fact it’s in Turkey! The fact nobody’s going to get out of this with an ounce of dignity. Hyperrific!

Unless we win, of couse, in which case the world’s biggest and suspiciously overused carpet will once again have the majority of the English game swept under it.

23.15 ITV Weekend News 23.30 The Frank Skinner Show 00.20 FILM: Logan's War: Bound by Honor. ** 02.00 Families Forever See Pick of the Week. 02.55 Turn On Terry 03.20 ITV at the Festivals 2002 Bet it’s that Nickelback footage again.

04.15 Entertainment Now!

BBC3

ITV2

E4

19.00 EastEnders: Den Shot by Daff 19.30 EastEnders: The Return of Dirty Den 20.00 Meeting Dirty Den Give it a rest for god’s sake. What is this, Easter? Look, there’s Good Friday, Easter Sunday and some kind of “Meet Jesus” feature as an afterthought. Starring Lesley Grantham as Jesus.

Apparently the Last Supper took place in Phil’s cafe, given that The Queen Vic doesn’t ever appear to sell any food. “Ere Angie, Duchess, take this ‘ere fried bread yeah, It’s my body. This piss poor tea, my blood. I shall returneth on the Sabbath Day, or some day fifteenplus years down the line when the scriptwriters need another excuse to shoot Phil.”

21.00 Little Britain 21.30 3 NonBlondes 22.00 FILM: Nighthawks ** 23.35 Monkey Dust 00.05 Diners After Nighthawks with Sly Stallone, this continues the theme of programs that either are, or sound like they’re based on Edward Hopper paintings 00.35 The Third Degree 01.05 The Third Degree 02.05 The Third Degree 03.00 Leaving You

08.00 Rugby World Cup 2003: Ireland v Romania 10.10 Coronation Street Omnibus 12.45 Rugby World Cup 2003: South Africa v Uruguay 15.00 Survival Special 16.05 Pop Idol Extra 19.05 Rugby World Cup Highlights of: New Zealand v Italy, Ireland v Romania, France v Fiji, and South Africa v Uruguay.

20.05 Pop Idol Extra 20.35 Celebrities Exposed 21.35 Pop Idol Extra 22.35 FILM: Grease Hmmm OK, is this the most overrated film of all time? Other office suggestions include Top Gun, Dances With Wolves, Casablanca, Star Wars, Terminator 2, Titanic, Moulin Rouge.

Come on you know they’re all crap.

Especially the musicals.

00.40 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

01.40 Pop Idol Extra 02.10 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 03.10 Teleshopping

14.00 The Salon: Reappointment 15.05 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 18.30 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Top Ten - Pop Princesses Britney Spears, Kate Bush, Kim Wilde, Lulu, Sade, Sheena Easton, Suzi Quatro, Tiffany and Kylie Minogue.

So in short: tart, genius, gardener, plastic, boring, worst ever Bond theme, guitarist, shopping mall trash, overrated antipodean personality-free ass.

Literally. 22.35 Joe Millionaire 23.35 Porn Star - The Legend of Ron Jeremy Twat. See also: 01.05 Cockstars No juicy pre-packaged information about this, sadly, but I’m sure the more imaginative among you can make an educated guess as to what this will be about i.e. probably the TV equivalent of the Union’s “Porn Idol” nights only without Dirty Sanchez, rank cider corroding your stomach lining, and the fact you can leave and go home, because if you’re stuck at home watching this... there’s nowhere to go.

Aha! 02.05 Star Trek 02.50 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment 03.20 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment Hands up who’s going to watch FOUR episodes of Jamie “I’m cute but still a wanker” Kennedy today? No, me neither.

American History X C4 22.55

Euro 2004 Qualifying: Turkey vs England ITV1 21.35

S4C

five

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Pirelli British Rally Championship 07.30 GT on 4 08.00 Trans World Sport 08.30 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd: New Zealand v Italy.

10.30 Scrapheap Challenge 11.30 Andromeda 12.20 Encounters 12.30 Smash Hits Chart 13.00 T4: Fashion House 13.30 Channel 4 15.45 The First World War 16.45 Grand Designs Revisited 17.45 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 18.00 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd Highlights.

19.30 Y Clwb Pel-Droed Rhyngwladol 21.45 Llafur Gwlad 22.45 Pen Tennyn Elis is at the end of his tether and pleads with Linda to come home at lunchtime to work things out. Fnarr.

23.15 FILM: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly With TV Desk. You decide. **** 02.10 World Rally Shakedown: Corsica 02.40 Doves in Profile Strangely sandwiched between World Rally and Brazilian football, but hey, they’re a good band, and there’s nothing like yet another excuse for TV Desk to talk about music because none of us actually watch any TV. 03.10 Brazilian Football Championship 2003 04.55 KOTV Actually, that’s not entirely true, I have got access to a TV now that doesn’t involve me wasting someone else’s bedroom floor space. But I don’t think I’ll watch it just yet.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Shake! 08.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 08.25 Beast Wars 08.55 Beyblade 09.25 Beyblade 09.55 Dan Dare 10.25 Xcalibur 11.00 Max Steel 11.30 The Adventures of Sinbad 12.25 RAD 12.55 Popular 13.50 Our Hero 14.20 USA High 15.10 Flaunt Chart Show 15.40 Home and Away Omnibus 17.45 FILM: Scooby-Doo and the Alien Invaders Ack! Feature length cartoon, not to be confused with last year’s “film” about the not especially amazing canine. A friend of mine once said “Scooby Doo can bite my ass”.

19.05 five news and sport 19.25 Charmed 20.15 Alias 21.05 CSI: 22.00 Law and Order: 22.55 Law and Order 23.55 FILM: Eyes of Laura Mars 01.40 Boxing Classic: Chris Eubank v Tony Thornton It’s amazing how often people forget Eubank actually did something constructive with his life, before he became a professional celebrity with a speech impediment. Unless he lost this fight, in which case I take it back. 02.20 Boxing: Fight of the Week: Richard Hall v Eric Harding 03.30 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat Kick Boxing 04.20 That 70s Show With Ashton “Jeremy Beadle for the MTV Generation” Kutcher.

SKY 1 06.00 Star Trek: Voyager 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Malo Korrigan 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 09.30 Futurama 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: Voyager 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Stargate SG-1 Anubis finds out about Naquadria, and heads straight for Kelownia. Teal'c convinces Lord Yu's First Prime to lead a revolt against Anubis. Yeah, went over my head as well. Lord Yu’s First Prime sounds like an imported dog food anyway.

18.00 Stargate SG-1 Samantha Carter must access Jolinar's memories, buried within her, in order to save her father from a hellish prison moon.

Captivating!

19.00 Stargate SG-1 20.00 Fear Factor 21.00 Scare Tactics 21.30 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.30 Spend It Like...

23.30 Meet the Marks Today: Mark Morrison, Mark Viduka and Mark Curry.

00.00 Football Years 01.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 02.50 Spend It Like...

Prickenstein

C4 06.05 The Magic Roundabout 09.00 The Morning Line 10.00 T4: Smallville: Superman the Early Years 10.55 T4: Friends 11.25 T4: The Salon: Reappointment. 12.30 T4: Smash Hits Chart 15.45 FILM: How the West Was Won **** 18.30 Channel 4 News 19.00 The First World War: Jihad 20.00 Tony Robinson's Romans: Nero 21.05 Hitler: The Rise of Evil 22.55 FILM: American History X **** Office Review: “Haven’t seen it, but it sounds f*cking amazing”, “Haven’t seen it but it’s supposed to be good”, “Yeah, it’s great”. Now where’s Barry Norman’s number? With Ed “yeah obviously he’s Tyler Durden as well” Norton. 01.05 World Rally Shakedown 01.40 Brazilian Football Championship 03.30 Football Stories: The Tony Adams Story 04.30 For Your Love 04.55 Norm Sitcom about a former professional hockey player doing community service. Norm tries to discourage Taylor from being attracted to him but it doesn't work. Anyone’s who’s ever stayed up until the ungodly hour of five to five to watch this ridiculous sounding US comedy series, please let me know. I for one, seriously can’t work out how you can make even a pilot episode about this, let alone a whole series.

Saturday 11 October

Television

October 11 2003

Page 21

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Sunday 12 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 13.00 FILM: Summer Magic ** 14.50 EastEnders 16.40 Points of View 17.00 BBC News 17.25 Songs of Praise 18.05 Rolf on Art 18.35 Antiques Roadshow 19.20 Holiday 10 Best 20.00 Monarch of the Glen 21.00 Silent Witness 22.00 BBC News 22.15 Panorama: Sex and the Holy City Apparently the Vatican is telling Catholics that condoms don’t prevent AIDS and therefore shouldn’t use them. This in fact goes against nearly all of the research conducted on the subject. Now I’m a Christian myself and try to be as tolerant as possible but this is the most indefensible tosh I’ve ever heard. With millions of Catholic Africans already suffering from the disease, how is this meant to help stop the spread of the virus? And will the Vatican accept the blame if their “advice” helps infect thousands more people. After enquiring in the office, our resident Catholic Desk suggests “Why not wear two?”

Watch this and make your own mind up...

23.05 FILM: Death Train With Pierce Brosnan and Patrick Stewart. * Sounds exactly like the plot from The Peacemaker or any of the 80s Bond films. Avoid like a Big Issue seller.

24.45 Joins BBC News 24 “It’s 5am. Do you know where your children are? They come for the after hours clubs, drugs and pounding, pounding techno music.” asks the CD. “I’ll have some of that.” offers Cobley the little raver.

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Bill and Ben 06.30 CBBC: Arthur 06.55 TazMania 07.15 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 To the Manor Born 11.00 Sunday Home and Garden 12.40 Sunday Grandstand 12.45 Football Focus 13.15 Moto GP 13.45 World Cycling: Men's Time Trial 14.00 Snooker 17.00 Scrum V Live: Llanelli v Newport 18.00 Wild West Country 18.10 Search for Polar Bears 18.40 Natural World 19.30 The Good Life 20.00 Snooker 22.30 FILM: A Fistful of Dynamite With Rod Steiger and James Coburn. *** A bandit who's planning a bank robbery recruits an IRA explosives expert on the run from the English, but the IRA man is more interested in helping the revolutionaries. Ooh, a little bit political methinks.

02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Youth Creativity: Blast 04.00 Languages: The French Experience 1-4 05.00 Working in Construction: Customer Care and Communication Skills Once again I’ve got a big fat load of space to fill for the Sunday listings as BBC2 decides to give up even trying to entertain us. Let’s try making some programmes up instead that would be worth seeing: Cooking in Prisons with Chris Eubank and Gary Glitter Monkey Tennis Jim Davidson’s Infectious Diseases (Jim is exposed to bubonic plague, ebola and leprosy and we see which he dies from first) David Blaine - Ripped Apart (using wild horses) 101 Uses for Michael Portillo (no. 77. bike pump)

06.00 F1: Japanese Grand Prix Live 08.35 Rugby World Cup 2003 15.35 F1: Japanese Grand Prix 17.20 HTV News 17.35 Waterfront 18.05 ITV News 18.20 I'm the Answer 18.50 Emmerdale Andy faces a tough decision over the future of his unwanted guest.

It’s a real bastard getting rid of these tapeworms I’ll tell you.

19.20 Creature Comforts 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat 21.00 Henry VIII 23.00 ITV Weekend News 23.15 Rugby World Cup 2003 Wales v Canada, Scotland v Japan, and England v Georgia. Scotland and England romp home to crushing victories whilst Wales forget their boots and Canada win 126-0 by breaking all their toes.

24.15 F1: Japanese Grand Prix 01.25 Trisha 02.25 FILM: The Card With Alec Guinness and Glynis Johns. ** Rags-to-riches story of an impecunious student who uses his wits to advance himself. After forging documents to earn a scholarship, he goes on to become a highly successful businessman and eventually mayor of his home town. Set in the time when students weren’t crippled by debt and more interested in where their next pint was coming from more than who’s running the country. I’ll put my handbag away now.

03.55 World Sport 04.20 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Old school indie scenes about as I stick Weezer’s Blue Album on the stereo and we all get out our air geeetars.

Magick Ch4 11.10pm

S4C

five

06.40 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 07.30 Hollyoaks 08.00 Hollyoaks 08.30 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd: Wales v Canada 11.00 Hollyoaks 11.30 Hollyoaks 12.00 Welsh in a Week 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 Ni Tipis a Nhw 13.30 G Girls 13.55 Stargate SG-1 14.40 Enterprise 15.25 Conversations with Rowan Williams 15.55 Maniffesto 16.25 Xtra Omnibws 17.25 Newyddion 17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws As recommended by TV John the nutcase.

19.30 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 20.30 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 21.30 Fondue, Rhyw a Deinosors 22.05 Newyddion 22.20 Hitler: The Rise of Evil The first part traces his formative years as his young mind developed, motivated by a combination of anger and ego. Not a patch on the film Max that was out earlier this year. Rent that instead.

24.10 Magick The best thing on telly by far tonight. A bewildering mixture of comedy and heavily stylised magic with a fantastic soundtrack. If Chris Morris ever attempted to join the Magic Circle the results might look like this. Perfect wasted viewing with a bottle of vino.

24.40 RIBA Stirling Prize 2003 01.40 Fashion House 02.10 Coming Up: Loveless 02.40 Coming Up: Bedbugs 03.10 Brazilian Football Championship www.warprecords.com - you know it makes sense...

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Milkshake!

07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 Babar 09.25 George Shrinks 09.55 Snobs 10.25 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Maurice 2274 11.30 Braceface 12.00 Stepping Up 12.35 Flaunt Chart Show 13.05 five news update 13.15 Divine Designs 13.45 FILM: Hatari! *** 16.35 At Home with the Eubanks 17.05 Britain's Worst Driver Quentin Willson heads a panel of experts helping dire drivers nominated by friends and family to improve their driving skills. Scary, scary TV. Remember kids, these people are all licensed to drive in the UK. 17.35 five news and sport 17.55 FILM: Jack * ‘Comedy’ drama about a ten-year-old boy with a disease that causes him to age at four times the normal rate.

Robin Williams at his worst.

Directed by Francis Ford Coppola. Talk about the mighty having fallen...

20.00 The Greatest Magic Tricks in the Universe... Ever 21.00 FILM: Assassins With Sylvester Stallone and Antonio Banderas. ** 23.35 World's Wildest Police 24.30 The Great South Run 01.00 Major League Baseball 04.00 NHL Ice Hockey

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 Dale's Wedding 20.00 Fame Academy: The Winner's Story 21.00 What Not to Wear 21.30 Little Britain 22.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Gaz and Donna are up all night for the wrong reasons.

Someone’s stuck burning hot pokers up their rectums.

22.30 Burn It 23.00 They Think It's All Over 23.30 Love for Sale: The Birthday Party Series following the highs and lows of two brothels near Carson City, Nevada, the only area in the US where prostitution is legal.

Watch out for dangerous whores, you never know when they might strike, often in pairs... 24.00 Fame Academy: The Winner's Story 24.55 Liquid Assets: Robbie's Millions 01.55 Art in the City 02.25 Dale's Wedding 03.25 Celebdaq

09.25 Planet's Funniest Animals 09.45 Pop Idol 10.45 Pop Idol Extra 11.15 Pop Idol Results 11.45 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 12.45 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.00 Coronation Street Secrets 19.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 20.00 Pop Idol 21.00 Pop Idol Extra 21.30 Pop Idol Results 22.00 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 Cold Feet The three couples spend the millennium on Holy Island. David is upset to find that no-one likes him. Adam and Rachel plan their future.

24.30 The Frank Skinner Show 01.20 Beggars and Choosers 02.20 Teleshopping 03.20 Ant and Dec's Banged Up with Beadle 03.45 Ant and Dec's Banged Up with Beadle 04.10 Trisha Double Bill

10.00 The Salon Live 19.00 The Salon: Reappointment 20.00 The West Wing Josh works hard to get a foreign aid bill passed, without much hope of success. Charlie tries to impress Zoey's new boyfriend. 21.00 Dawson's Creek 22.00 Six Feet Under David invites some of his friends to a paintball game that Keith has planned. Lisa gets even more paranoid about Brenda. 23.05 Joe Millionaire His name’s not Joe, and he’s not a millionaire apparently. If that’s the case then this show should be done under the Trade Description Act. 24.05 The Pilot Show 24.35 The West Wing 01.25 Dawson's Creek 02.15 Six Feet Under 03.20 The Pilot Show As dawn steadily approaches and TV Desk staggers off into the sunset, we bid you a happy week’s TV and hope that by this time next week we’ll finally be able to use that lovely little four letter word beginning with c again.... Cnutalicious.

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Malo Korrigan 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 09.30 Futurama 10.00 WWE Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 King of the Hill 12.30 Malcolm in the Middle 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Little Monsters 14.30 Futurama 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Futurama When the Planet Express ship travels through time to 1947 in Roswell, Fry becomes his own progeny. Classic episode of the much missed series.

17.30 Futurama 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.00 The Big Sex Fantasy 23.00 The Villa Cardiff bouncer Sam and fireman Mike experience love at first sight.

It’s the big gay dream folks.

24.00 Six Degrees of Penetration

CH4. As S4C except: 06.00 Animal Alphabet Features the letter M for mongoose and Mogwai. 06.05 The Clangers 06.10 The Hoobs 06.40 The Hoobs 07.05 Insektors 07.20 Bug Alert! 07.45 The Kids from Room 402 08.10 Totally Spies! 08.30 SpiderMan 09.00 T4 10.25 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.30 T4: G Girls 13.00 T4: Fashion House 13.35 T4: Finding Nemo Special 14.10 T4: Friends 14.45 T4: Will and Grace 15.15 Scrubs 15.50 T4: Andromeda 16.40 T4: Stargate SG-1 17.35 Scrapheap Challenge 18.40 Enterprise 19.30 Channel 4 News 20.00 RIBA Stirling Prize 2003 21.00 David Blaine's Vertigo Twat on a pole. 22.00 David Blaine: Frozen in Time Twat in ice.

23.10 Magick 23.40 South Park Animated twat. 24.10 David Blaine - Magic Man Twat on the street. 01.00 Cockstars 01.50 FILM: Senseless * 03.25 FILM: Even Cowgirls Get the Blues * 05.00 Men, Women and Dogs 05.20 Countdown

Futurama SKY 1 7.00pm

Sunday 12 October

Television

Page 22

October 11 2003

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Monday 13 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Bill Oddie's History Hunters 11.00 To Buy or Not to Buy 11.30 Trading Up 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Metalheads 16.25 Eureka TV 16.40 Jackie Chan Adventures 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Lyn is intent on giving birth to her baby the natural way. I would fnarr, but am actually too disgusted to.

18.00 BBC News News.

18.30 Wales Today; Weather Regional news.

19.00 Holiday: You Call the Shots 19.30 The Biz 20.00 EastEnders What the fuck is up with Lisa’s new hair? It looks like she goes to Lynn Scully’s Good Hair Day. 20.30 Changing Rooms 21.00 Colosseum: Rome's Arena of Death 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 The Biz 22.50 Behind the Laughter The life and career of Bob Monkhouse. The fact that I always get Bob and Des O’Connor mixed up should be a warning.

23.50 FILM: Carry On Behind*** What the hell is this title about? Far too obvious for a fnarr, and grammatically incomplete. Stupid front bottoms.

01.25 Sign Zone: The Blue Planet 02.40 Sign Zone: Auction Man 03.10 Sign Zone: Science Shack 03.40 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Spot 06.10 Noddy 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Rotten Ralph 07.30 I Love Mummy 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Serious Jungle 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Binka 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Wide Eye 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Andy Pandy 10.25 Stingray 10.50 English Express 11.20 English Express 11.50 English Express 12.20 BBC Primary Geography 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Come Outside 13.15 Words and Pictures 13.30 FILM: Escapade in Japan ** 15.00 Country House 15.30 Flog It! 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Would Like to Meet 19.00 TOTP 2 19.30 What the Romans Did for Us: Edge of Empire 20.00 Mastermind 20.30 University Challenge “But he asks the questions so quickly I forget what he asked by the end,” sob students throughout the kingdom 21.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 21.30 The Kumars at No 42 With satellite-head Sophie Ellis Bextor.

22.00 Early Doors 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Alistair Cooke: Postcards from America 00.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: The Trouble with Love 01.00 Ever Wondered 01.30 What Workers Want 02.00 Secondary Schools Science: Curriculum Bites: Wan2Tlk Science 04.00 Languages: The French Experience: 5-8 05.00 Working in Construction: Computer Skills

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Tiny Planets 15.20 Hilltop Hospital 15.30 The Flintstones 16.00 All Grown Up! 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I'm the Answer 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale It’s Paul's birthday, but it is he who is serving up the surprises.

Hopefully nudity will ensue, but knowing the ‘Dale it’s more likely to be a bomb or some such shit.

19.30 Coronation Street Roy and Hayley decide the truth must come out. As chunky white love-piss. Maybe.

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street As Ken and Deirdre come to terms with Tracy's latest revelation, they're unprepared for yet another shock from her.

That this shit is on twice tonight, perhaps?

21.00 Family Drama 22.00 ITV News at Ten 22.30 The Frank Skinner Show 23.25 FILM: Happy Gilmore * Evil Adam Sandler, the hairy purse.

01.05 Champions League Weekly 01.30 Football League Extra 02.10 Today with Des and Mel 02.55 Now and Again 03.45 Entertainment Now! 04.10 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 04.35 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC 3

ITV 2

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Liberty X Re:covered Liberty X’s unnecessary cover of Radiohead’s High and Dry a bizarre attempt to be ‘indie’.

19.30 Fightbox 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 Burn It 21.30 Terri McIntyre 22.00 EastEnders Pauline discovers what Martin has been up to. Shagging Big Mo on the floor of the Caff, rolling around in egg yolks and lard.

Apparently.

22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Grass 23.30 3 Non-Blondes 00.00 Liquid News 00.30 Fightbox 01.00 CCTV 01.30 Stupid Punts 02.00 Swiss Toni 02.30 Dreamspaces 03.00 Liquid News

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Confessions 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 F1: Japanese Grand Prix 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 Champions League 21.00 18-30 Stoners 22.00 The Making of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen 22.30 Coronation Street 23.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 00.00 Jerry Springer 00.45 David Letterman 01.35 Felicity 02.25 Teleshopping 03.25 Trisha 04.50 Judge Judy

What Not to Wear BBC 3 8.30pm

Carry On Behind BBC 1 11.35pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Caleb 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Mr Men and Little Miss 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Bibi 13.15 Tony Robinson's Romans 14.15 Home from Home 14.45 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Troeon Tristan 16.25 Planed Plant: Dennis a Dannedd 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Xtra Why is Siwan visiting Karl at the hospital so often? They’ve got the clap, you muppets.

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.30 Ffermio Weekly 21.00 C'mon Cymru: Taith Y Cefnogwyr 22.00 Sgorio 22.45 Teen Big Brother - The Experiment 18-year-olds who spent ten days in the Big Brother house in August. And they shag! TV John seems to think that without alcohol, this will be “loving, crap sex”.

What? I made an 18-year-old cry after I’d finished wih him, and I was sober...

23.50 Teachers 00.50 SAS: The Real Story 01.50 Will and Grace 02.20 Speed Machines 03.20 Far and Near 04.00 Ysgolion/Schools

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 Barney 09.25 Floyd around the Med 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.40 FILM: The Return of Sam McCloud 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away The investigations threaten to tear Nick and Irene apart. Get that speculum away from them!

18.30 Family Affairs Cameron is in for a shock when he plans to reopen the sandwich shop. Someone’s got open flaps waiting to be buttered, perhaps.

19.00 five news 19.30 Deadliest Sharks 20.30 Fifth Gear 21.00 FILM: The Chaos Factor * 23.05 Who Wants to Be a Centrefold? I do! Get me in a cold shower and I’ll show you nipples...

00.05 Real Sex Never lives up to your expectations. Get a Rampant Rabbit instead, girls. Or find a man hung like a stallion. 00.50 NFL Update 01.30 Seniors Golf 02.20 NASCAR Busch Series Motor Racing 03.10 2003 X Games 03.40 Ironman Triathlon: St Croix

E4

SKY 1

C4

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.00 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 20.00 The Salon: Reappointment 20.30 Friends 21.00 Dawson's Creek 22.00 Sex and the City 22.30 The Pilot Show 23.05 Teen Big Brother - The Experiment It's day three, and tensions continue to mount. Shaneen and Tracey decide to let bygones be bygones, but the truce does not last long. And when the second task proves to be a struggle for some, a monumental screaming match ensues between Paul and Jade. Probably post-coital; teenage boys never have any idea what they’re doing.

00.05 Hollyoaks 24.35 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 01.30 Dawson's Creek 02.20 Teen Big Brother - The Experiment 03.20 The Pilot Show

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Stargate Infinity 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 10.00 Stargate SG-1 11.00 Angel 12.00 The X Files 13.00 Pop Years: 1980 14.00 Temptation Island 15.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 FILM: Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit ** No! 23.00 Uncut! Kirsty's Home Videos 23.30 South Park 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 The X Files 01.50 Titans 02.40 Pop Years: 1980 03.30 Shipmates 03.55 Hotter Sex Part 46: wear thermal crotchless knickers in bed.

04.45 Family Guy 05.10 Guilty!

09.30 4Learning 9.30 The Business. 9.55 Holiday Maker. 10.20 Real Science.

10.45 Animated Tales of the World. 11.00 The Hoobs.

11.25 Contes et Legendes.

11.40 Rewind: Classical.

12.30 Water Stories 12.40 In Your Face: Painting the Family 12.55 FILM: The Golden Salamander ** 14.45 Fifteen to One 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 16.30 Home from Home 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Neighbourh 20.00 Speed Machines: The Speed Boat 21.00 Seven Days That Shook EastEnders Sonia took seven large steps.

22.00 Teen Big Brother - The Experiment 23.10 FILM: Gossip ** 00.45 Carling Homecomings: Beautiful South 01.45 The Day I Will Never Forget 03.15 Conversations with Rowan Williams 03.45 Four Steps to Heaven 04.00 4Learning 4.00 Maths Mansion 1. 5.40 Home Front through the Movies.

Monday 13 October

Television

October 11 2003

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grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Tuesday 14 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Bill Oddie's History Hunters 11.00 To Buy or Not to Buy 11.30 Trading Up 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Metalheads 16.25 Watch My Chops This week’s “if only TV Desk were given information on ALL the programmes rather than just the soaps” choice. Watch whose chops?

What the meat chops? Or “chops” meaning face? Or meaning sideburns? Aaargh!

16.35 The Queen's Nose 17.00 Byker Grove T17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Lyn’s seemingly three-year pregnancy comes to an end with the birth of baby Oscar. Who is green and lives in a bin.

18.00 BBC News News.

18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders Yolande 20.00 Holby City 21.00 A Life of Grime 21.30 They Think It's All Over 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 The Crouches .

23.35 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 24.10 FILM: Barbarella *** Watch for Duran Duran related pranks. and a giant vibrator that takes over the world.

“Extremely rude” - TV Andy 01.45 Sign Zone: The Human Mind 02.45 Sign Zone: Garden SOS 03.15 Sign Zone: See Hear Surely See Hear has sign language anyway, thus making this pointless?

06.00 CBeebies: Spot 06.10 Noddy 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Snailsbury Tales 07.30 Chuck Finn 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Serious Jungle 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Binka 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Bob the Builder 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Andy Pandy 10.25 Stingray 10.50 English Express 11.10 BBC Primary Geography 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Come Outside 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 homeground 14.00 am.pm 15.00 Delia's How to Cook 15.30 Flog It! 16.30 Ready Steady Cook Nice to see easily the worst pun on television consistently propping up BBC2’s late afternoon schedule.

17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Would Like to Meet 19.00 Gardeners' World 19.30 This Land: Black Isle 20.00 What the Industrial Revolution Did for Us: 20.30 Hidden Treasure.

21.00 Mind of a Millionaire 21.50 Space: Flying Visits: 22.00 The Booker Prize Given nobody here has the foggiest who’s nominated here, Andy recommends Carter Beats The Devil by Chris Gold, and TV John recommends This Is Craig Brown by er... Craig Brown. Not the football manager.

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Profile: Edward Said 23.55 BBC Four on BBC Two: Profile: Donald Rumsfeld 24.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Ever Wondered about Food? 01.00 Food Whose Choice Is It Anyway?

Answer: Muckrakers.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Tiny Planets 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 What about Mimi?

16.00 Jungle Run 16.30 Pirate Islands Suspiciously riding on that Pirates of the Caribbean wave, no doubt. A wonderful yarn, but surely Monkey Island - the Movie?

17.00 I'm the Answer Dale Winton 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News 18.30 ITV Evening News; 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Infested: Is Nowhere Sacred? Obviously riding on that Life Of Grime wave.

20.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

21.00 Real Crime: Lady Jane The story of Lady Jane, surprisingly enough, who murdered her millionaire boyfriend because she’s a filthy gold digging tart with no morals. Next week, TV John “My days as a thirteen year old shoplifter”, a filthy pennychew digging tart with no morals.

22.30 ITV News at Ten 23.00 Tarrant on TV “Outrageous” clips show. Why is Tarrant simultaneously holding one of the most prestigeous presenting roles on ITV, and easily the most lowbrow on the entire channel?

How does he sleep at night?

23.30 Rugby World Cup 2003 With Angus “monopolising EVERY rugby highlights” Scott.

24.30 FILM: Murder in My Mind ** 02.05 Today with Des and Mel 02.55 World Sport 03.20 Football League Extra

Neighbours BBC 1 5.35pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 Ysgolion/Schools 11.30 Yr Allwedd Hud 11.45 Bobinogi 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Wil Cwac Cwac 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Dic a Dei a Delyth 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Tales from River Cottage 14.15 Home from Home 14.45 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Wali Wags 16.10 Planed Plant: Popty Bach 16.25 Planed Plant: 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm See pick of the week.

20.25 Byd Pws: 21.00 Welsh in a Week 21.30 Wife Swap 22.30 Teen Big Brother 23.30 Fondue, Rhyw a Deinosors Listed as “S4C’s darkest drama” and set in hell. Sounds very, very promising.

24.35 FILM: The Usual Suspects ***** As seen on TV on rotation about sixteen times a year, but since this is S4C and is a film, this is probably the premiere of the Bryan Singer modern classic. I’ve been denied permission to print the twist. So I apologise for not ruining your enjoyment of this film. 02.35 Goths Make Better Lovers I’m still dying to know what evidence they have for this.

06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 Barney 09.25 Floyd around the Med 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.40 FILM: Danielle Steel's Mixed Blessings ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Rhys is incensed by photos of Jade. Fnarr!

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 The Glory of Gothic It’s because they’re better lovers.

20.00 At Home with the Eubanks .

20.30 Britain's Worst Driver 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.50 Family Killers: Beyond Evil - the Trial of Jeffrey MacDonald 23.45 The Others No I’m not just doing this because I didn’t get to be Music Editor, but this week’s musical yearnings include: Something Corporate, The 90 Day Men, the new Six By Seven single and Appleseed Cast album, Sigur Rós, Jesse Malin, The Pogues, that Hot Hot Heat single that’s not Bandages because that’s crap, Morrissey on Top of the Pops 2 dancing to The Boy With The Thorn In His Side and er... Andrew WK.

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 The 7 O'Clock 19.15 Travis Re:covered Predictable fodder which is old news anyway, given that Flowers In The Window came out almost two years ago, and given The Darkness are the Queen covers band du jour, you don’t really need Travis bumming their way through Killer Queen.

19.30 Fightbox Robot Wars jazzed up with Trevor Nelson and Lisa “I used to advertise deoderant and go out with George Clooney, NOW look at me” Snowdon.20.00 EastEnders Revealed 20.30 Liquid News 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 3 NonBlondes 3 non-comedians more like. 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 EastEnders Revealed 23.00 Burn It 23.30 Vinnie: Safe as Houses 24.00 Liquid News 24.30 Fightbox 01.00 CCTV 01.30 Stupid Punts 02.00 Swiss Toni “Humour-free piss poor situation comedy built-torot ‘sitcom’ proving BBC3 are about as cutting edge as a sponge” more like. 02.30 Vinnie Following Vinnie “Crap at everything” Jones. 03.00 Liquid News

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Movies Now 10.10 Rugby World Cup 2003: Argentina v Namibia 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Ask a Silly Question 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 highlights of the Argentina and Namibia game shown only nine hours previously. No need to watch this.

20.00 Marry Me. Featuring Maurice, who plans to propose to his girlfriend Maureen in a tank full of sharks. Say no more.

20.30 Marry Me 21.00 FILM: Sneakers **** 23.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 24.15 Jerry Springer 01.00 Late Show with David Letterman 01.50 Felicity 02.40 Teleshopping 03.40 Trisha 04.30 Trisha Extra 05.00 Movies Now 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Celebrity Five Go Dating. 18.00 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 20.00 The Salon: Reappointment 20.30 Friends 21.00 The West Wing 22.00 Father Ted 22.30 Father Ted Entertaining Father Stone.

23.05 Teen Big Brother - The Experiment Tracey and Shaneen are at each other's throats again. Fnarr.

24.10 Kingpin 01.00 Hollyoaks 01.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 02.20 Teen Big Brother - The Experiment 03.15 Celebrity Five Go Dating I’m a sucker for Five Go Dating. Not only for its incestuous Blyton-baiting title, but the format is so simple yet effective. None of your Dial-a-Date phone voting, or your Lovematch sex-a-text here, oh no. Five boys in one house, five girls in another, everybody dates everybody, they go on cheap dates in London like fishing in the Thames Estuary, or waxwork cleaning at Tussaud’s, all pull each other with no care for their immoralistic ways, and then don’t speak to each other again because none of them are “the right type.” Were it not for June “nasality personified” Sarpong, it’d be Christmas every day on E4.

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Stargate Infinity 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 10.00 Stargate SG-1 11.00 Angel 12.00 The X-Files 13.00 Pop Years: 1989 Another void in my memory. Someone help me out? 14.00 Temptation Island 15.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 The Simpsons Three great episodes in a row. The one where Homer gives up alcohol, followed by the one where Apu pretends to be American, and then the one where Homer eats a rancid baguette they go to Duff Gardens and Lia hallucinates after drinking the mysterious liquid on the water ride. 20.30 The Posh and Becks Years: 1996-98 Thoroughly unnecessary television, charting the years where everyone knew what they were doing anyway.

Crap.

21.30 FILM: Clear and Present Danger *** 24.10 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.10 The X-Files 02.05 Titans 02.55 Cops 03.20 Cribs 03.30 Shipmates 03.55 Dead Like Me 04.45 Family Guy

06.00 The Magic Roundabout 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Design Solutions.

9.45 Romans: Wales. 10.00 A-Z Drugs. 10.25 A-Z Love. 10.50 Number Crew 2. 11.00 Hoobs. 11.25 Citizen Power. 11.50 National Gallery.

11.55 Tate Modern. 12.30 Self Portrait 12.35 Cheers . 13.05 FILM: The Man in Grey *** 14.45 Fifteen to One 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Neighbourhood Tales: Classically British 20.00 Property Ladder 21.00 Wife Swap 22.00 Teen Big Brother The Experiment How dare they try and convince us this has any scientific value whatsoever. 23.10 Brookside 24.40 The Secret Life of Us 01.30 The Secret Life of Us 03.10 Stargate SG-1 Sci-fi drama series. 03.55 Last Train Intriguing short film in which a nervous rail passenger imagines his drunken fellow passengers turning into terrifying beasts. What do you mean “turn into?” That’s pretty much all you get on late night trains these days.

That’s if you can actually get them.

Take note, the entire city of Bristol.

04.00 4Learning 4.00 Maths Mansion 4 “Not to be confused with Maniac Mansion” - Nostalgic Video Games writer. 5.40 The Home Front through Home Movies.

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

ITV2 23.10pm

Tuesday 14 October

Television

October 11 2003

Page 24

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Wednesday 15 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Bill Oddie's History Hunters 11.00 To Buy or Not to Buy 11.30 Trading Up 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News 15.25 CBeebies: Balamory 15.45 CBBC 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Sky and Boyd's attraction continues to simmer. Ramsey street seems obsessed with sex these days - soon Lou, Harold and Joe will display their true affections and shower the road with man-love.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Animal Hospital Jamie Darling follows what happens to two 35 year old donkeys whose owners can no longer cope. A life in the Turkish porn industry awaits. 19.30 Kenyon Confronts: Secrets and Confessions Paul Kenyon investigates allegations of sexual abuse by priests in Britain. Watch for Riath appearing in full robes surrounded by his tiny flock.

19.55 The National Lottery 20.00 Auction Man 20.30 Airport 21.00 The Human Mind Robert Winston looks at why parties are among the most demanding and complex situations the human mind ever has to deal with. Duh! It’s because you’re pissed up on booze and gak you crazy old coot. Give me his doctorate - I know more than he does blatantly.

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 ONE Life: Rat Attack 23.15 FILM: Cherry Falls With Brittany Murphy. ** 24.45 Sign Zone: Wild Down Under 01.35 Sign Zone: Bargain Hunt 02.05 Sign

06.00 CBeebies: Spot 06.10 Noddy 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC 08.30 CBeebies 10.35 Stingray 11.00 What the Victorians Did For Us 11.30 am.pm 13.00 Wildlife on Two 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 FILM: Son of Sinbad * 15.30 Flog It! 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Would Like to Meet 19.00 TOTP 2 With Adam and the Ants, Martika, Snoop Doggy Dogg, BA Robertson and Maggie Bell, Clannad, Kylie Minogue, Monty Python and Dean Friedman.

Respectively: Legend, bint, pimp, who?, Irish wasters, nice undies, legends and “Radio 2-sponsored country singer” suggests TV John.

19.30 Smoking under Siege Too right - ban the evil weed, those cancer sticks will be the death of you. Unlike those lovely “jazz” cigarettes.

Nothing wrong with those...

20.00 The Life Laundry 20.30 Rick Stein's Food Heroes 21.00 When Michael Portillo Became a Single Mum The childless Conservative MP Michael Portillo is thrown into the frontline of parenting for seven days. Left on his own in a terraced Merseyside house with four children, the former Defence Secretary does battle with eight-year-old Ellie, hosts a karaoke party for eight 12 year old girls and has to hold down two low paid jobs. Awesome politician looking like a total flange scenes. See pick of the week for more related amusement.

22.00 The Office 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Life and Debt in Jamaica - Storyville 24.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! Under the Hammer 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Tiny Planets 15.20 Meg and Mog 15.35 The Flintstones 16.05 Art Attack 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I'm the Answer Dale Winton heads to the West Bank to sort out the Arabs and Israelis with a few dressing tips and a bunch of flowers. 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale A cashstrapped Andy is forced to dig deep to make Daz look presentable. I hope I don’t have to - I’m rubbish at fashion, I’ve got a beard for fuck’s sake.

19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 The Bill 21.00 FILM: Coyote Ugly ** Awful, awful chick-flick dross of the highest order. Avoid like the plague-ridden Riath.

22.55 ITV News at Ten 23.25 Rugby World Cup 2003 Fiji v USA, Italy v Tonga and Samoa v Uruguay.

24.25 Redcoats 24.50 CD:UK Hotshots 01.15 Nash Bridges 02.05 Today with Des and Mel 02.55 FILM: The Gentle Trap * 03.50 Get Stuffed! 03.55 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News TV Desk quakes in its oversized commando boots this week as the news that The Governator has set up in residence in California, thus proving that American politics is the huge joke we Brits make it out to be. What next? Van Damme as European President? Be afraid my friends...

FILM: Coyote Ugly ITV 9.00pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion/Schools 10.15 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd: Italy v Tonga 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Teletubbies 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Slot Syniadau Sali 13.05 Planed Plant Bach: Miffi 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 French Leave 14.15 Home from Home 14.45 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 16.15 Planed Plant: Paaw 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Xtra 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Taro 21.00 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd 22.00 Teen Big Brother - The Experiment It's days five and six, and the eight teens have reached the half-way mark.

James has a dispute with Big Brother while Tracey and Shaneen are at each other's throats again. And a new task looms. Excellent - I’m sure the nonces will be having a field day over this, particularly since one couple get making the beast with two backs during this “experiment”.

23.10 Other People's Houses 24.10 Brookside 01.40 The Secret Life of Us 02.30 The Secret Life of Us 03.20 The English Teacher 04.00 Ysgolion/Schools Once again my musical taste takes a battering as Brent accuses Mr Scruff of sounding like “the music from Lemmings”. Suppose he has a point...

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 Barney 09.25 Floyd around the Med 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 FILM: Sparks: the Price of Passion ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Heroes of World War II: The Man Who Saved Britain's Cities 19.45 UEFA Cup Football: Liverpool v Olimpija Ljubljana Plus highlights of NAC Breda v Newcastle. More lackluster performances from English teams in Europe? I’ll bet my bottom dollar on it. Owen’s out and the Toon Army couldn’t keep a clean sheet if they tried, especially if a young lady is involved.

22.30 FILM: Blind Fury * 24.15 Real Sex Beats watching this filth any day of the week. Go out and get laid people! Spread the love.

01.00 Major League Baseball 03.55 Indy Racing League 04.45 Motorsport Mundial 05.10 European Drag Racing Lily Savage faces off against Dana International. 05.35 Fastrax Peace descends on the office as media monkey Alex M has a night off.

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

C4

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Blue Re:covered Hopefully in cement.

19.30 Fightbox 20.00 Match of the Day: Lokeren v Manchester City.

Look if they can lose to Wolves, they can lose to these muppets. City’s European dream falls at the first hurdle.

22.00 The Third Degree: Gangland Manchester 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Little Britain 23.30 Liquid News 24.00 Match of the Day: Lokeren v Manchester City 02.00 Swiss Toni 02.30 Little Britain 03.00 Liquid News 03.30 Fightbox In a devastating blow to my social life I’ve just heard the Model Inn’s brewers have pulled all of the nights that go on there including the rather excellent Emerge...

07.45 Rugby World Cup 2003 15.10 Movies Now 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Chart Choice 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 20.00 Holidays from Hell 2003 21.00 Coronation Street Secrets 22.00 Airline 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Killers on Camera This week Harold “trust me I’m a doctor” Shipman performs his renowned magic show including sawing an old lady in half and making 4 sets of grandparents disappear, 24.05 Jerry Springer 24.50 Late Show with David Letterman 01.40 Felicity 02.25 Teleshopping 03.25 Trisha 04.20 Trisha Extra 04.50 Judge Judy 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.00 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville 20.00 The Salon: Reappointment 20.30 Friends 21.00 Perfect Match USA 22.00 Faking It USA 23.05 Teen Big Brother - The Experiment It's days seven and eight, and the morning after the night before where there is only one topic of conversation - what exactly did Tommy and Jade get up to?

Well blatantly they’ve been having nookie till the early hours of the morning. Paedo scenes for all those shrub rocketeers amongst you.

24.05 Peep Show 24.40 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 01.30 Perfect Match USA 02.25 Teen Big Brother - The Experiment 03.15 Peep Show ...In the words of Bernard Manning, “it’s a fucking disgrace”. Write to your local MP immediately - or just stop buying Brains. Gutted.

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Stargate Infinity 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 10.00 Stargate SG-1 11.00 Angel 12.00 The X Files 13.00 Pop Years: 1986 14.00 Temptation Island 15.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 For Love or Money 21.00 A-List Behaving Badly Would be recommended if instead it was “A-Team Behaving Badly”. This week Mr T uses Murdoch as a battering ram to raid H Samuels in Queens Arcade.

22.00 The Villa 23.00 Six Degrees of Penetration 23.30 Uncut!

Kirsty's Home Videos 24.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 The X Files 01.50 Titans 02.40 Pop Years: 1989 03.30 Shipmates 03.55 Fear Factor UK 04.45 Family Guy

As S4C except: 06.00 The Magic Roundabout 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Rat-a-Tat-Tat. 9.50 Maths Mansion 1.

10.10 Extra 2. 11.00 The Hoobs 11.25 Teaching Citizens. 11.50 Self Portrait UK. 11.55 Making It. 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Exposed: The Photo Booth 12.40 Cheers 13.05 FILM: Sailor of the King *** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Friends 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Neighbourhood Tales: The Horseman 20.00 Grand Designs Revisited 21.00 Teachers 23.10 Sex and the City 23.45 Sex and the City 24.30 Headliners: Dido 01.05 4 Play 01.15 FILM: The Mission With Robert De Niro and Jeremy Irons. **** Film classic about missonaries in the Amazon. Long, but worth it apparently. Like the euphoria experienced after an hours vomiting... 03.30 Truel 03.45 Cutting Edge: The Child Sex Trade 04.45 Countdown 05.30 Arion and the Dolphin

A-List Behaving Badly Sky One 9.00pm

Wednesday 15 October

Television

October 11 2003

Page 25

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Thursday 16 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Bill Oddie's History Hunters 11.00 To Buy or Not to Buy 11.30 Trading Up 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 Fairly Odd Parents are preferable to really odd ones.

17.00 Byker Grove Bradley ends up in hot water when he is seen buying jewellery with Sarah. Since when did that earn you a scalding? Maybe he was looking at solid fake gold sovereign rings.

17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Boyd enjoys a pretend date. What with? His hand?

18.00 BBC News News.

18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Bargain Hunt 19.30 EastEnders Gavin makes it hard for Shirley as she tries to sell her flat.

Woohoo, somebody boning Shirley at last! That’ll put a smile on her piss-flap face.

20.00 Superstars 21.00 Canterbury Tales 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Question Time 23.35 Dragon's Eye 00.05 This Week 00.55 Men Behaving Badly 01.25 Sign Zone: A Life of Grime 01.55 As BBC1 02.45 Sign Zone: Holiday 10 Best: Cities 03.25 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 04.10 Sign Zone: Watchdog 04.40 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Spot 06.10 Noddy 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Fix and Foxi 07.30 Super Rupert 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Serious Jungle 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Binka 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Sergeant Stripes 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Aiming for Excellence 10.50 Pod's Mission 11.05 Bobinogs 11.20 Postcards from Kenya 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 World Matchplay Golf 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Would Like to Meet somebody who will bone me all night with a salami-esque love truncheon, simultaneously buying my many gifts, doing all my work for me and generally being my bitch.

19.00 TOTP 2 With Cliff Richard. Jesus, please fuck off, you botoxed beast! You said you were going to retire.

And it’s very unchristian of you to lie...

19.30 Iolo's Special Reserves 20.00 Time Commanders 21.00 Seven Wonders of the Industrial World: The Hoover Dam 21.50 Industrial Nation 22.00 QI 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Chavez, Inside the Coup: Storyville 00.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open Science: Science Shack 01.00 The Next Big Thing 01.30 The Lapedo Child 02.20 Ever Wondered?

02.30 Hubbard Brook: The Chemistry of a Forest 03.00 The Challenge 03.30 Youth Creativity: Blast: Sk8 Fest 04.00 Languages 05.00 Working in Construction: The Future

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha: “We’re being governed by an Austrian meathead! Help us, Trish!”

10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! Under the Hammer 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Tiny Planets 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 SpongeBob SquarePants 16.00 Globo Loco 16.30 Star 17.00 I'm the Answer 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale As Chris Tate is finally laid to rest an uninvited mourner puts the cat amongst the pigeons.

Woohoo, is it a necrophiliac on the loose? Dawn is forced to make a sharp exit from the funeral as she goes into labour. Sharp exit? Let’s hope her waters haven’t broken or it could get messy... yeuch.

19.30 Fishlock's Wild Tracks 20.00 The Bill 21.00 Sweet Medicine 22.00 ITV News at Ten 22.30 Family 00.05 Love Match 00.30 Turn On Terry Why does this programme exist and why exactly is Terry Christian’s voice like a dog’s whine coming out of its arse?

00.55 The District 01.40 CD:UK 02.20 Ashanti: In Profile 02.45 The Machine 03.10 Cybernet 03.35 Motorsport UK 04.05 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News “Somebody fell asleep, somebody is wanking...”

BBC3

ITV2

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Stereophonics Re:covered Phonics ‘doing’ the Beatles' Don't Let Me Down and their own Vegas Two Times. Why, I just couldn’t say. Hopefully Kelly will not have his Lego hair on this one. Muffheads.

19.30 Fightbox 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 The Third Degree: Gangland Manchester 21.30 Art in the City 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 New Tycoons 23.30 3 Non-Blondes 00.00 Liquid News 00.30 Fightbox 01.00 CCTV 01.30 Stupid Punts 02.00 Swiss Toni 02.30 3 Non-Blondes 03.00 Liquid News

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Dancing in the Street Members of the public dancing to their favourite tracks.

God help us all if it involves any of the 30+ tits-falling-outand-devil-horns-on ladies from Friday’s St Mary’s Street.

18.00 Pop Idol Extra 21.00 FILM: Dante's Peak *** Shit, with Linda Hamilton doing her ‘pensive’ voice.

22.55 The Frank Skinner Show 23.45 Pop Idol Extra 02.45 David Letterman 03.35 Teleshopping 04.35 Trisha Extra 05.00 Movies Now 05.10 David Letterman

Bargain Hunt BBC 1 7pm

Byker Grove BBC 1 5pm

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion/Schools 11.30 Bitesize Cemeg 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Lisabeth 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Joshua Jones 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Supercities UK 14.15 Home from Home 14.45 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Byd Bach Bedwyr 16.15 Planed Plant: Y Consuriwr 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm For once, Hywel and Mark agree to work together. Euphemism!

20.25 Hwyl y Noson Lawen 21.00 Pen Tennyn 21.30 Llafur Gwlad 22.30 Teen Big Brother - The Experiment What exactly did Tommy and Jade get up to?

With a name like Jade, I would imagine she scoffed his dick like it was a Cornetto. Tommy and Jade have some serious talking to do (if her mouth has revived).

23.35 Y Sesiwn Hwyr 00.35 Scrubs 01.05 The Salon: After Hours 01.35 Monkey 02.25 Freesports on 4: Red Bull Local Hero 02.50 Morcheeba: From Brixton to Beijing 03.20 FILM: Deterrence ***

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 Barney 09.25 Floyd around the Med 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.40 FILM: Canyon Passage *** Not to be confused with the muddy passage...

17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Nick becomes a willing accomplice for Angie. Hehe.

18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Great Artists 2 20.00 House Doctor 20.30 House Doctor: Design for Living 21.00 FILM: The Specialist ** 23.10 The Moors Murders: The Investigation 23.40 Arrest and Trial: Frat Rats Not a typo. Apparently a student dies after a football initiation ceremony goes wrong. Those Yanks...

00.05 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 00.45 UEFA Cup Football: NAC Breda v Newcastle United 02.20 UEFA Cup Football: Liverpool v Olimpija Ljubljana 03.50 Argentinian Football Highlights 04.40 Dutch Football: FC Groningen v Ajax

E4

SKY 1

C4

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Celebrity Five Go Dating TV John came in his pants, this is that good.

18.00 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville: Superman the Early 20.00 The Salon: Reappointment 20.30 Friends 21.00 Joe Millionaire 22.00 Six Feet Under Nate and Federico find themselves affected by a suicide victim.

Keith expresses the desire to invite other men into his and David's bed. Threesomes!

Wicked. I wonder if they’d consider adding a female, for a bit of purse rifling?

23.05 Teen Big Brother - The Experiment One nymphette or one pixie faced Blazin’ Squadalike will be disqualified.

00.10 Hollyoaks 00.40 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 01.30 The Michael Essany Show 02.05 Joe Millionaire 02.40 Teen Big Brother - The Experiment

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Stargate Infinity 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 10.00 Stargate SG-1 11.00 Angel 12.00 The X Files 13.00 TV Years - 1981 14.00 Temptation Island 15.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Little Monsters 21.00 Fear Factor UK 22.00 Scare Tactics 22.30 Football Years 23.30 The Big Sex Fantasy The top ten men we fantasise about. I doubt Richard Madeley will figure, but may be worth watching just in case someone gets really excited and comes all over the camera. 00.30 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.25 The X Files 02.15 Titans 03.05 TV Years 1981 03.55 Mile High 04.45 Family Guy 05.10 Guilty!

06.00 Tales of a Wise King 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Life and Living Processes 3 9.50 Maths Mansion 1 10.10 Extra 2 11.00 The Hoobs.

11.25 The Nature of Scientific Enquiry 11.45 Living and Growing 2 12.30 Water Stories 12.40 Let It Rain 12.45 FILM: The Way to the Stars *** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 16.30 Home from Home 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 News 19.55 Neighbourhood Tales 20.00 Tales from River Cottage 20.30 French Leave 21.00 Cutting Edge 22.00 Teen Big Brother - The Experiment 23.10 Wife Swap 00.10 The Salon: After Hours 00.45 Freesports on 4 01.15 KOTV. 01.45 KOTV 02.15 Days of Thunder 02.45 GT on 4 03.10 Pirelli British Rally Championship 03.40 World Rally Shakedown 04.10 Trans World Sport 05.05 Postmodern Pastimes

Thursday 16 October

Television

Page 26

October 11 2003

grtelevision@cf.ac.uk

Friday 17 October BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Bill Oddie's History Hunters 11.00 To Buy or Not to Buy 11.30 Trading Up 12.15 Bargain Hunt 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC 17.35 Neighbours Jack succumbs to Edwina's temptation. Joe accuses Karl of being a snob. That’s worthy of a fnarr surely and Joe - get with the times...

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 A Question of Sport 19.30 Top of the Pops 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 All about Me 21.00 Absolutely Fabulous 21.30 Have I Got News for You Surely this will be the last series. With Angus gone, Merton’s missus having carked it and Hislop getting angrier by the episode perhaps the death knells have already sounded for this once great institution. Still they’ll probably have good presenters each week.

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross His guests include Alan Davies and 50 Cent. Another bizarre line up for the Wossmeister. Can’t see 50 being too chuffed with Davies’ sense of humour personally.

23.25 Meet My Folks 24.15 FILM: Smokey and the Bandit III * I didn’t even know they dragged this awful concept out again. Avoid.

Avoid. Avoid. Even Lash is better than this. 01.40 FILM: Widow's Kiss ** 03.15 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Spot 06.10 Noddy 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC 10.20 Watch 10.35 Watch 10.50 Science Clips 11.00 Speak for Yourself 11.20 BBC Primary History 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 Working Lunch 13.00 World Matchplay Golf 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 Scrum V Live: Newport Gwent Dragons v Munster 21.00 Wild Down Under 21.50 Grumpy Old Men: Stuff Series giving a voice to 35 to 54-year-old men, very probably the grumpiest sector of our society. The grumps reflect on the impact of technology on our lives, with topics covered including built-in obsolescence and people who talk loudly on mobile phones. Contributors include John Peel, Simon Hoggart, Will Self, John O'Farrell and Richard Madeley. Awesome moaning scenes.

22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Later with Jools Holland Artists performing include the legendary REM, blues guitarist Buddy Guy and indie band British Sea Power. Set the video, kids for the skeletal form of Michael Stipe and the fantastic, tree covered British Sea Power.

24.35 The X Files 01.20 The X Files 02.00 Joins BBC News 24 03.00 BBC Learning Zone: Youth Creativity: Blast 2 Whoever decided that Peter from Fame Academy deserves the title of Legend in last week’s Quench should be hung, drawn and quartered.

Get your hearing tested, or just buy the Libertines album and get over it. GAH! Fucknut.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.10 Rugby World Cup 2003: New Zealand v Canada 12.40 Rugby World Cup 2003 Preview 13.10 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.40 Today with Des and Mel 14.30 Moving Day 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Tiny Planets 15.20 Hilltop Hospital 15.30 The Flintstones 16.00 You Can Do Magic 16.15 All Grown Up! 16.50 You Can Do Magic 17.00 I'm the Answer 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Airline A businessman arrives at Bristol to catch a flight to Nice, only to find it has been cancelled. Shock horror. Next week - man misses bus. See the whole gripping drama here on ITV1 the home of shite TV. 21.00 POW ZAP! BIFF! SOCK! THWACK! Don’t you just love Batman re-runs? 22.00 Incredible Stories 22.30 ITV Weekend News 23.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 New Zealand and Canada. Expect a whole bucketload of tries and Kees Meeuws to rip off the head of a Canadian. With his toes.

24.05 FILM: Crimson Tide *** Denzel Washington fights back the a huge tidal wave as Vanessa Feltz runs out of Tampax. Blood-soaked scenes ahoy. 02.10 Entertainment Now! 02.40 Mixmasters 03.10 World Football 03.35 Today with Des and Mel 04.25 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 04.50 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Film:Crimson Tide ITV1 12.05am

S4C

five

06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion/Schools 10.15 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd: Canada v New Zealand 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Sali Mali 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Twm 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Fifteen to One 14.15 Home from Home 14.45 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Popcorn 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Da 'Di Dil 'De 20.30 Pobol y Cwm 21.00 Cwpan Rygbi'r Byd: Canada v New Zealand 22.00 Teen Big Brother - The Experiment 23.05 Peep Show Mark finds the ideal venue for a first date with Sophie - a funeral. The mind boggles. Considering last week’s bowling episode was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen I’m sure this will follow suit. Roll a fat one and enjoy.

23.40 A Very British UFO Hoax I saw this last week and it was great. Watch it if you missed it first time round.

24.40 Fashion House 01.10 World Rally: Corsica 01.40 Days of Thunder Racing 02.05 FILM: Devil in a Blue Dress *** Is this Denzel Washington night or what?

You’ve got better things to do at 2am surely...

04.00 Ysgolion/Schools For insomniac children.

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 Barney 09.25 Floyd around the Med 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 FILM: Trial by Fire ** 16.25 five news update 16.30 Open House with Gloria Hunniford: Celebrity Special 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Has Alf been misdiagnosed? Yep, it’s bubonic plague rather than leprosy.

Shame they packed him off to Hawaii already. 18.30 Family Affairs Chrissy and Gary are devastated to learn that Chloe may have a serious illness. Bloody hell - everyone’s got the plague.

19.00 five news 19.30 Mission to the Deep: Mystery of the Marie Celeste 20.00 Ancient Murder Mystery: Headless Warriors 20.30 Psychic Secrets Revealed 21.00 FILM: Unforgiven ***** Bit of a classic by all accounts. Get your shotgun and stetson and ride off into the sunset.

23.35 Boomtown 24.25 FILM: Dillinger *** 02.10 FILM: Eight Men Out With John Cusack and Charlie Sheen. *** 04.05 Starting from Scratch 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

BBC3

ITV2

E4

SKY 1

CH 4

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Miss Dynamite Re:covered 19.30 Fightbox 20.00 Celebdaq 20.30 EastEnders Revealed 21.00 Grease Monkeys Two gorillas fight over a can of WD40 - with hilarious consequences.

21.30 Absolutely Fabulous 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 What Not to Wear 23.00 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 23.30 Liquid Assets: P Diddy's Millions 24.25 Celebdaq 24.55 Fightbox 01.25 Stupid Punts 01.55 Liquid Assets: George Michael's Millions 02.55 Celebdaq 03.25 Fightbox Finally some contentment settles in the office as the pizza has been consumed and I’ve stuck 2 Many DJs on at full blast. Altogether now: “Salt’N’Pepa’s here and we’re in effect...”

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.00 Pop Idol Extra 19.00 Rugby World Cup 2003 20.00 Coronation Street Secrets 21.00 Real Life: Heroes for Six Minutes Yet another showing of the “real life Fight Club”. Great entertainment if you enjoy grown men beating each other off.

Set that video, Alex.

22.05 The Making of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen 22.35 Coronation Street 23.05 Coronation Street Secrets 24.05 Pop Idol Extra 02.25 Late Show with David Letterman 03.40 Teleshopping 04.40 Judge Judy 05.00 Movies Now

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Celebrity Five Go Dating 18.00 The Salon Live 19.00 Smallville 20.00 The Salon: Reappointment 20.30 Friends 21.00 Teachers 22.00 Wife Swap 23.00 Kill Bill Special Exclusive behind-the-scenes look at the new film from Quentin Tarantino, presented

by Colin Murray. Featuring clips from the film and interviews with the cast and director. Possibly great TV ruined by the presence of Colin “Goblin Boy” Murray. I came THAT close to punching the little shite when he gave me my tickets for One Big Weekend. Still at least he isn’t Chris Moyles.

23.35 The Pilot Show 24.05 Hollyoaks 24.35 The Secret Life of Us 01.30 The Secret Life of Us 02.25 Kill Bill Special 03.00 Smallville A big thank you to Maria for the Buck 65 CD - it’s chuffing great - I promise I’ll do the Four Tet album soon! Toasty.

06.00 Star Trek: Deep Space Nine 07.00 Stargate Infinity 07.30 Transformers: Armada 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 10.00 Stargate SG-1 11.00 Angel 12.00 The X Files 13.00 TV Years - 1982 14.00 Temptation Island 15.00 Beverly Hills, 90210 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Malcolm in the Middle 20.30 Scrubs 21.00 Dead Like Me New series featuring the zombies of the victims of mass murderers who go round to their killers homes and eviscerate them. Hosted by Kirsty Gallacher, with the comedy stylings of Richard Blackwood. 21.55 Mile High 22.55 Back to the Beach 23.55 Star Trek: The Next Generation 24.55 The X Files 01.50 Surviving the Moment of Impact 02.40 TV Years 1982 03.30 Shipmates 03.55 Cream 04.45 Family Guy 05.10 Guilty!

As S4C except: 06.00 The Magic Roundabout 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Twelfth Night Documentary. 9.55 Book Box. 10.10 Spanish. 10.35 Spanish. 11.00 The Hoobs.

11.25 Design Challenge.

11.40 Design and Make it.

11.55 Life Stuff. 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 In Your Face 12.45 Cheers 13.15 FILM: Buchanan Rides Alone *** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 16.30 Home from Home 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 Conversations with Rowan Williams 20.00 ALT-TV: Clowns in the Hood Featuring a new underground dance movement in the depths of the ghetto streets of LA. Known as clowning, it combines African tribal dance and stripper moves speeded up to an amazing degree.

20.30 Friends 21.00 Will and Grace 21.30 Scrubs 23.40 The Osbournes 24.10 Fashion House 24.40 World Rally: Corsica 01.10 Monkey 02.10 The Anatomists: The Body Snatchers

ALT-TV: Clowns in the Hood CH4 9.00pm

Friday 17 October

Listings

October 11 2003

Page 27

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy

Welcome to gair rhydd’s all new day by day listings. If it’s on it’s in. Hannah Muddiman

Saturday11/10 Sunday12/10 New Exhibition: Graham Sutherland OM (1903-1980) @ The National Museum and Gallery A Centenary celebration of Sutherland’s work. Until the 14th December Free (See Wednesday for introductory talk) Pre-performance talk: Parsival, Wagner @ The New Theatre Free to ticket holders.

Parsival, Wagner @ The new Theatre 4:30pm-10:15pm Two intervals and a ‘supperbreak’ of 50 mins included! £6.50 standby ticket on the night. (NUS) Splott on the Landscape, Nofit State Circus @ The Sherman Theatre 7:30pm start. £6 Pep le pew, Ashokan, Winabedo @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm £7 advance Come Play @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am £3 Franz Ferdinand, Ludes, Transposser @ Barfly Doors:8pm £5 advance Superfly @ Barfly Classic soul, funk, disco 10:30pm-2am £3 Blueprint @ Moloko Vocal house/disco roots till 2am Okiihyoshi @ Metros Chunky Indie and Baggy Beats World Party @ The Toucan Latin and world music till 2am Saturday Night Comedy @ Jongleurs Comedy Club Alex Boardman, Johnny Candon, Mark Maier, Milton Jones, 7:15pm-2am £13 Including Bar Risa entry Resident DJs @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Moxie Pleanty. Two rooms of cool hip-hop, house, dark pop 11:30pm £3 (NUS) Party Night @ Bar Med Resident DJs 9pm-2am Resident DJs @ Berlins Garage, RnB, urban sounds 9pm-2am DJ Martin Griffith @ Walkabout 60s-present rock, pop, commercial dance 8pm-11pm Duelling Pianos @ Jumpin’ Jack’s music, comedy, meaningless banter Bulletproof @ The Coal Exchange Andy Hague Quintet @ Jazz Cafe

Thursday16/10

Pre performance talk: The Marriage of Figarro, Mozart @ New Theatre 6:15pm Free to ticket holders The Marriage of Figgaro, Mozart @ The New Theatre 7:15pm £6.50 standby ticket on night (NUS) Telestars perform Communicating Doors

by Alan Ayckbourne @ Chapter Arts Centre A comic thriller set in the year 2014 Until Saturday 18th 7:30pm Damien Rice @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Upstairs) Doors:8pm £10 advance Uprising @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Downstairs) Reggae, dub, ska 10pm £3 (NUS) Fabio+Grooverider, Andy Smith and DJ Kentaro @ SU 9pm £10 advance Climax @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am £3 (NUS) Spellbound Thursdays @ Metros Metal and indie 9pm-3am Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, DnB Till 2am Reuben, Engerica @ Barfly Doors: 8pm £6 advance Thursday Night Fever @ Barfly Put on your dancing shoes for extreme cheese 10:30pm-2am £2 (NUS) Groove Check @ Stylus Classic soul, boogie, funk and RnB 9pm-2am £2 (NUS) Homegrown @ The Toucan Till 2am Speed Dating @ Crispyduck Cafe, Millenium Plaza 7:30. Prebook on 02920252545. £15 gets you speed dating, snacks and drink, Jumpin’ Jack’s entry and £5 drinks voucher!

Rugby @ Pubs Everywhere!!

Wales Vs Canada 9am (if you think you’re hard enough!)

Monday13/10 Killing Joke @ The Coal Exchange Doors: 7:30pm £12.50 Advance

Sunday Lunch @ Jazz Cafe Julian Martin, jazz piano 1pm-3pm

Freq Nasty @ The Great Hall, SU 9pm Free before 11, £2 after.

Come Quietly @ Seren Las, SU The Live music Society’s acoustic night From 8pm

Free food platter with every cocktail jug @ The Slug and Lettuce From 7pm

Inside Out @ Council Room, 4th Floor, SU Speakers: ‘A Just War in the Twentieth Century?’

Food afterwards (Vegans and Veggies catered for) 7pm

Pooh yer pants @ Liquid With special guest Pat Sharp (Fun House, as if we needed reminding!)

Selected drinks £1 £2 (NUS)

Who Wants To Be A Clever Dick @ The Taf Win a £300 bar tab!!

7:30 start (get there early) £3 per team Acoustic Speakeasy @ The Toucan Chilled jam sessions Till Midnight The Real Party @ Jumpin’ Jack’s Resident DJs DJ Joe Gulis @ Walkabout Funky Jazz @ Bar Med Taboo @ Moloko World music Till Midnight

Fun Factory @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am Free before 11, £2 after Juniper, Eastern Lane, Lone pine @ Barfly Doors: 8pm £4 advance Smell the Glove @ Barfly Good time rock and Roll 11pm-2am £2 Something Anything @ Moloko Laid back, Chilled tunes Till 2am Rob Balducci Band @ The Toucan 7:30pm £4 Salsa Night @ Bar Med Jim Davidson @ St. David’s Hall 7:30pm From £18.50 (NUS) Monday Jam Night @ Jazz Cafe £2

Friday17/10

Il Trovatore, Verdi @ The New Theatre 7:15pm £6.50 Standby on the night (NUS) LL Files @ The Sherman Threatre BBC Radio Wales 6:15pm Free Comedy @ The Sherman Theatre Rhona Cameron (remember I’m a celebrity get me out of here…)

7:30pm £10 Kosheen @ The Great Hall, SU Doors:7:30pm £12.50 Silent Running, Bad Company @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Upstairs) 10pm £8 Advance The Dudes Abide @ Clwb ifor Bach (Downstairs) Psych, folk, mod, punk, 60s garage 10pm £3 Advance Lashtastic @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am £3 (NUS) Erase Errata, Kaito, Martini Henry Rifles @ Barfly Doors: 8pm £6 Advance Mad4it @ Barfly Indie classics, baggy beats and party tunes 10:30pm-2am £3 Chaos @ Metros Indie alternative 9pm-3am £2.50 before 10pm Forward Motion @ Moloko Funk, Disco, hiphop, partybreaks Till 2am Mothership Convention @ The Toucan Rare groove and funk Till 2am Sabina Turvet 3 @ Cafe Jazz Piano Trio £3

Tuesday14/10

New Exhibition: ‘Sian: Time Traveler’ @ Butetown History & Arts Centre A new addition to the museum charting the history of Cardiff Bay, drawing on the experiences of local people.

Tuesday-Friday 10am-5pm, Weekends 11am-4:30pm Free Bernard Roberts, piano @ St David’s Hall Playing Beethoven and Brahms 1pm £4 (NUS) Sorrel Quartet @ Cardiff University Music Department Concert Hall Playing Haydn, Shostakovich and Mendlessohn Doors: 7pm, Concert: 7:30pm £3 (NUS) The Comedy Network @ Seren Las, SU Al Pitcher plus Ed Petrie and Dan Thomas Doors: 8pm Show: 9pm £2 (NUS) The Thrills @ The Great Hall, SU Doors 7:30pm £9 advance Jetplane landing, Span, Omni @ Barfly Doors:8pm £5 advance Bounce @ Barfly DnB 11pm-2am £2 OffYaFace @ Metros Metal, Rap, Punk, Ska and DnB £1 bottles and shots No dress code 9pm-2am Free before 11, £1.50 after Funky Town @ Stylus Commercial disco and RnB flavas 9pm-2am £2 (NUS) Superstition @ Moloko Motown, soul, nujazz, disco, funk Shots £1 cocktails £2.95, pitchers 9.95 Till 2am Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Upstairs) Rock, goth, metal 9pm £2.50 Cheese Nation @ Jumpin’ Jack’s

CinemaWeek Where?

Ster Century Cinema Millenium Plaza Wood Street 0870 7672676 10/10-16/10 American Pie 3: The Wedding (15) Fri-Wed: 1430, 1645, 1900 (not wed), 2115 (not wed).

Bad Boys 2 (15) 1155, 1410, 1510, 1720, 1820, 2000, 2130.

Cabin Fever (15) 1320, 1535, 1750, 2005, 2220.

Calendar Girls (12a) 1340, 1610, 1840, 2125.

Daddy Daycare (PG) Sun 1215.

Donnie Darco (15) Wed 2015.

Down With Love (12a) 1150, 1415, 1630, 1850, 2110.

Finding Nemo (U) 1200, 1300 etc.......... last showing 2200 Sat+Sun only 1130.

Iris (15) Wed 1130 LXG (12a) Thu only 1220, 1440, 1710, 1925, 2140.

Matchstick Men (12a) 1430, 1705, 1940, 2215.

Once Upon A Time In Mexico (15) 1250, 1515, 1730, 1950, 2210.

Piglet’s Big Movie (U) Sat+Sun only 1210.

Pirated Of The Caribbean (12a) 1205, 1505, 1805, 2105.

Rug Rats Go Wild (U) Sat+Sun only 1215.

The Italian Job (12a) 1350, 1620, 1845, 2120.

Underworld (15) 1405, 1640, 1925, 2205.

UGC Cinema Mary Ann Street 0870 9070739 UCI Cinema Atlantic Warf 0870 0102030

Theatres, Concert Halls and Galleries Uni Music Dept Concert Hall Corbett Road The New Theatre Park Place, 02920 878889.

The Sherman Theatre Senghennydd Road 02920646900 Butetown History&Arts Centre 5 Dock Chambers,Bute Street,Cardiff Bay, 02920 256757 National Museum and Gallery Cathys Park, 02920 397951.

Chapter Arts Centre Canton 02920 304400 Cardiff Indoor Arena Mary Ann Street Enq: 12920 224488 St Davids Hall The Hayes Enq. 02920 878420 Box Office: 02920 878444 Live Music Barfly Kingsway Info: 02920 396589 Tickets: 08709 070999 Clwb Ifor Bach Womanby Street 02920 232199 The Coal Exchange Mount Stuart Street Cardiff Bay 02920 462311 Toucan Bar and Café 95 St Mary Street 02920 372212 Jazz Cafe St Mary Street 02920 387026 Clubs Stylus

Wednesday15/10

Wednesday Social @ Barfly Relax with coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu acoustic set…? 12noon-2:30pm Free Talk @ The National Museum and Gallery Introduction to the Graham Sutherland exhibition 1:05pm Free Il Trovatore, Verdi @ The New Theatre 7:15pm £6.50 standby ticket on the night (NUS) Hannah&Hanna @ The Sherman Theatre Written by John Retallack, this is a play about friendship and the issues surrounding immigration. 8pm £8 (NUS) Talk @ The Reardon Smith Lecture Theatre: The National Museum and Gallery Martin Bell OBE (BBC Reporter and Independent MP): ‘Through the Gates of Fire: A Journey into World Disorder’ 7pm Tickets: Free, supplied in advance by Penny Smith, Cardiff Law School, 02920875364 or smithp1@cardiff.ac.uk 2 for 1 cocktails @ The Slug and Lettuce From 7pm Rubber Duck (Club Night) @ Solus, SU Double Vodka and Red Bull £2.50 9pm-2am £3 (NUS) Cheapskates @ Metros Alternative and cheese Double shot and mixer 80p, no dress code 9pm-2am Tokyo-yo @ Moloko Rare groove, clash of the tunes Till 2am The Preferred Method of Movement, The 9ine, Six Month Plan @ Barfly Doors:8pm £4 advance Express @ Barfly Party hip hop 10:30pm-2am £2 Relax @ Stylus Sounds of the 80s 9pm-2am £2 (NUS) All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesey club: mowtown, funk, disco.

Popscene: indie. Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations! 9:30pm £2.50 (NUS) Boomshanka @ The Toucan Late 60s-70s Hippy funk & acoustic soul Till 2am

Golate (Off St Mary Street) 02920 669901 Liquid St Mary Street 02920 645464 Metros (club Metropolitan) Baker’s Row 02920 399939 Moloko 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Flares St Mary Street Reflex (80s music) St Mary Street Emporium 8-10 High Street 02920 664577 Berlins 5-9 Church Street Creation Park Place 02920 377014 Jumpin’ Jack’s Millenium Plaza Wood Street Pubs and Bars Bar Cuba Unit 5, The Friary 02920 397967 Bar Risa Millenium Plaza Wood Road The George Mackintosh Place The Mackintosh Mundy Place The Woodville Woodville Road The End Wyverne Road Gassy Jacks Salisbury Road The Social Salisbury Road Inncognito Park Place Tut&Shive City Road Earnest Willows (Wetherspoon) City Road Ha! Ha! The Friary

Bar Med The Friary Henry’s Park Place Scrum Park Place BSB Windsor Place Central Bar (Wetherspoon) Windsor Place Dempseys Castle Street Rummer Tavern Duke Street RSVP St John Sreet Slug and Lettuce Working Street Gatekeeper (wetherspoon) Womanby Street Old Orleans, Church Street O’Neils Trinity Street Toad Trinity Street Yates’s Westgate Street Queen’s Vaults Westgate Street Oz Bar St Mary Street Is It? Wharton Street O’Neils St Mary Street Prince of Wales (Wetherspoon) Wood Street The Square St Mary Street Philharmonic St Mary Street Kitty Flynn’s St Mary Street Kings Cross (Gay pub) Mill Lane Walkabout St Mary Street Jongleurs Comedy Club St Mary Street Glee Comedy Club Bute Street Cardiff Bay Blah Blahs St Mary Street

“

The ability is there and we just need to pull it all together . . .

Tom Brown says ‘Get Your Kit On’

”

Back page COMMENT. Below

Glamorgan captain, Robert Croft September 2003 Team focus American Football

page 31

Issue 745 11 October 2003 Sport Editors: Riath Al-Samarrai and David Williams Email: grsport@cf.ac.uk Website: www.gairrhydd.co.uk

University Sport. Page 31 Page 29

Fan warfare could lead to Turkish delight GR Sport feature: John Stanton examines the media influence on hooliganism

W

hen the Turkish football captain claims that the threat of violence looming in Istanbul is simply “speculation written by the English press”, it begs the question as to whether this is the beginning of another apparently mandatory mind game, or whether the English media really is guilty of creating a problem which doesn’t exist.

“I don’t understand why they behave this way,” continues Bulent Korkmaz, before claiming journalists in his own country would never act in such a way.

So, are the tabloid headline writers acting responsibly in highlighting a potential evil? Or are they inciting violence when no such threat exists?

There is plenty to feed the media frenzy. In recent years, there has been a history of violence and hooliganism surrounding encounters between English and Turkish clubs in European competition.

The FA has withheld its ticket allocation for this fixture in an attempt to avoid a repeat of the ugly scenes of April 2000 when two Leeds fans were stabbed to death in Taksim Square as hooligans ravaged the usually tranquil city.

English football has long been tainted by the image of thugs rampaging

through the streets of European cities.

Sadly English football has become synonymous throughout the world with hooliganism.

In Istanbul this weekend, there will be up to four security cordons preventing England fans “infiltrating” Fenerbahce’s Sukru Saracoglu stadium. It is a worrying state of affairs when the language of armed combat is used in reference to what is, after all, only a game of football.

Robert Pires claimed after

Arsenal’s Premiership victory over Liverpool that football culture in England is tantamount to “war”. Such comments emblazoned across the back pages of national newspapers can hardly be considered constructive, given the already strained nature of the relationships between officials, coaches and players of both countries.

The role of the media in ensuring that the encounter passes peacefully cannot be overstated.

It is important that the jingoistic

Hooliganism: A media myth or something real?

Championships next year.

And, after scoring the winning goal in the Old Firm match at Ibrox, the former Arsenal and Luton player could see his growing reputation increase even further.

One player who will surely pick up the main award in the future, Cardiff’s Robert Earnshaw, is also celebrating after picking up the Welsh club player of the year.

Those who doubted the Welsh international’s ability before the start of the season have been instantly qui-

etened. With nearly 15 goals already this term, the future of Welsh strikers looks to be a healthy one.

Hartson equals Hughes’ record

Those who do not heed the warnings and choose to travel must ensure their behaviour is exemplary. Fans, players and the media have a duty to behave responsibly and remember they are representing their country on foreign soil. The eyes of the world, and more importantly, UEFA, will be upon them.

Dragon’s run out of puff

By David Williams, Sport Editor

Hartson and Earnie claim top awards FOR THE THIRD year in his career, Celtic striker John Hartson has won the Welsh Player of the year award.

The Swansea-born front man has now equalled the feat of his current international manager Mark Hughes.

The award couldn’t have come at a better time. With Wales in with a chance of qualifying for Euro 2004 and his club back at the top of the Scottish Premier league, this will boost his confidence ahead of the play-off for the European

fervour that can create an excess of passion leading to violence is avoided. UEFA has threatened England with expulsion from the finals next summer if they are found to be responsible for any disorder in Istanbul, following the scenes that accompanied England’s trip to Skopje, last month.

DESPITE SHARING the Player of the Season award with Australian Mike Kasprowicz, Robert Croft knows that, had it not been for some inconsistent displays, the Welsh county could have got rewards in both forms of the game.

“The ability is there and we just need to pull it all together next season.

It was a so-nearly season but we can’t use the words potential and development as an excuse.

“We’ve had a couple of people who have got well over a thousand runs and three with over 50 wickets, yet we were still fifth in both competitions.

“I thoroughly believe we’ve got the potential in the team to not only compete in the First Division, but to do very well in it.”

At several points in the season, those two fifth placed finishes would have been laughed at due to the speed at which the Dragons started the oneday First Division.

A record breaking five wins out of five at the start of the competition gave the impression that the team from Sophia Gardens would be retaining the trophy they won so dramatically in 2002.

But though they were left to rue their luck as Surrey took the title in the Dragons’ back yard, they could reflect on some outstanding performances throughout the season. None

more so than the incredible climax at Colwyn Bay against Yorkshire, where Kasprowicz managed to get a run-out off the last ball of the match.

Affectionately known as Kasper in the dressing room, the tall Aussie fast bowler finished with 77 championship wickets, including 9-36 and 945 against Durham, and 105 overall, the Queenslander must surely be one the best foreign acquisitions in the county game.

However, the phrase to sum up the county championship has to be ‘what if’. With a couple of matches left, Glamorgan had appeared to be in the box seat. However, narrow defeats to Worcestershire (14 runs) and Northamptonshire (20 runs) put paid to what looked a real chance of promotion.

The future, though, looks bright for Glamorgan, with players who could be at the club for a long time. Club man of the Year, Mark Wallace, must feel that an England call-up is close.

And Young Player of the Year, David Harrison, is improving all the time which can only be good news for the county.

Kasprowicz: player of the year

Red mist causes anarchy at the Palace

By Rob Mounsey A STORMY AFFAIR at Selhurst Park saw Cardiff reduced to nine men before crashing to a disappointing 2-1 defeat against struggling Crystal Palace.

Willie Boland and Andy Campbell were both dismissed for violent conduct in a second half packed with incident, but it was Cardiff ’s lacklustre defending which caused most concern for the travelling fans.

A remarkably philosophical Lennie Lawrence refused to criticise referee

Clive Penton for the dismissals, preferring to pin the blame for the result on his team’s poor performance.

“I think these two major decisions were right. We never looked dangerous. There was not enough penetration going forward and there was not enough quality defending. I can’t remember another game where Neil had to make so many saves.”

Palace, without a league win since the second week of the season, looked much the stronger team. Their pace and movement was, at times, too much for a somewhat jaded Cardiff side, the

only surprise being that the Bluebirds were only one down at half time.

Neil Alexander in the City goal had to pull off a string of fine saves before Wayne Routledge finally broke the deadlock just before the interval.

Almost immediately after the restart though, the lead was doubled. The impressive Routledge finding room on the right to pick out Neil Shipperley who had the simplest of tasks in beating Alexander from five yards.

It was at this stage that ill discipline started to descend in the Cardiff ranks.

Boland’s late challenge saw him dis-

missed on the hour, with few complaints from a clearly frustrated Cardiff bench.

Next to go was sub Andy Campbell who had only been on the pitch for ten minutes before getting involved in a clash with Palace’s Sean Derry. The City player foolishly raised his arms, and this was enough to see him ejected.

City did manage to force a fine consolation goal through Graham Kavanagh. Good work between Kavanagh and Wales’ young player of the year Robert Earnshaw led to the

Irishman rifling home a first time effort into the roof of the Palace net from just outside the area.

The goal was not enough to inspire a comeback though as Palace easily saw out the final stages, Neil Shipperley coming closest to bagging a second for the Eagles as he rattled the crossbar.

The result leaves the Bluebirds 11th in the first division but only six points from a play-off spot. Despite the poor result at the weekend, Lawrence can still be proud of his newly promoted side.

Sport

Page 30

October 11 2003

grsport@cf.ac.uk

Calm before storm as Cardiff get winning start

By Si Green 1sts Cardiff 1 Bristol 0 Reading 0 Cardiff 1 2nds Cardiff 2 Bristol 1 Reading 0 Cardiff 2 AFTER A LENGTHY period of trials and training, the men’s football club played their two pre-season friendlies against tough opposition in the form of Bristol and Reading Universities.

The 1st team started positively against an organised Bristol side and Si Green’s crisp finish from the edge of the box after good work from Captain Matt Kay and Marine Thomas was richly deserved.

Chance after chance followed and both Si Lewis and Will Thompson had goals ruled out for dubious off sides.

Andy Miles and Ross Herrick were a joy to watch down the right flank and the Cardiff defence was rarely called into much action.

Keeper Rich Warwick had a couple of comfortable saves in the second half but it was an impressive display for the first game of the season.

The second friendly against

Reading was an altogether feistier affair. Indeed, a sour note for the team came after 12 minutes when striker Thompson limped off with an ankle injury.

After a competitive first half, Green opened the scoring on 54 minutes after beating two defenders in the box. Cardiff now started to play with an elegance that befitted the talent of all the players.

Ian Platt and Lewis Wray stood firm at the back, and with the engine room of Yates and Thomas battling hard.

So, it’s two wins from two before Cardiff enter the first set of BUSA fixtures, full of confidence and determination.

Group A

Group B

Carbs A FC Real AFCHistory Irish FC Xpresston North End Christian Union English Society Uni Allstars

Momed Accountancy FC Cathays FC Myg Myg Economics Optometry Law B Earth Soc

Group D

Law A Lokomotiv Engin Gym Gym Pharm AC Chemsoc FC Athletico Roy The George FC Japsoc

Group C

Jomec Carbs B John Jenkins FC Planderlecht Mathletico Madrid Accountington Stanley Bute Park United FC Afro-Carribean Society

Group A

Life after Chris Trout isn’t all bad

Problems, what problems?

IMG Chair refutes claims WELL, I never thought that my year as IMG Chair would start the way it has, and the season hasn’t even kicked off yet!

Up until the sports fair I was pretty confident that the next year would run smoothly, without any incidents, or too much hassle to deal with.

Well, one thing’s for sure, netball girls have great determination! The passion that’s been shown towards the sports concerned has bowled me over.

It just goes to show that the weekly netball/footie match on a Wednesday afternoon with your mates is so much more than “jumpers as goal posts”. Granted, it’s not more important than say, your family, but it is obviously a huge part of our university life here at Cardiff.

I am delighted to announce that the IMG netball problems have been solved. We were fortunate enough to have been able to book an extra netball court at Sophia Gardens allowing us to have six more teams taking part this year.

Sadly, extra facilities have not been available for IMG football but needless to say, if the same opportunity had been available to the footballers I would have jumped at it.

The IMG netball league this year is now set to be the most competitive one to date with the six extra teams all fighting to lift the crown that is currently held by Carbs A. The league has all the old favourite teams of last year but I look forward to seeing what the new teams such as Xpress Radio and The Marines can bring to the court. Football has a few

IMG Draw 2003-2004

new teams too, John Jenkins FC being my favourite team name.

No one was booted out of the league; it was first come first served at the sports fair, and the IMG has worked using this policy for years.

The void that has been left by these teams on the football pitch will be missed, but the new teams will, I’m sure, leave their own mark on the playing field.

I am sorry to those teams who narrowly missed out at registration this year, but I suggest that you run to the sports fair next year to secure your place in the IMG, because after all places are like gold dust!

Finally I would like to wish all IMG players the best of luck, both on the pitch and in Rubber Duck.

Group B

Pharmacy Cardiff Uni A Chemsoc The Marines Optometry B Socsi

Cardiff Uni B Law B Optometry A Cardiff Uni C English Society Medics

Group D

Carbs A Psychology Christian Union Comsoc C Plan Xpress Radio

Group C

Economics Law A Gym Gym Carbs B Sawsa Pharmacy B

Careers Fair 10am-4pm Thursday 23rd October Great Hall (Students Union) To pre-register for quick entry and for a list of employers who want to recruit YOU visit

www.careersfairs.org Beca Murphy: biting back

October 11 2003

University Sport

Page 31

grsport@cardiff.ac.uk

CLUB FOCUS HISTORY AMERICAN FOOTBALL

By Simon Purcell, Cardiff Cobras CARDIFF HAS had one of the country’s most successful programmes since it was founded in 1987. The Cobras have had four undefeated regular seasons and have been to the College Bowl three times, most recently in 1995-96, when they lost to Leeds 14-8 in College Bowl X. Last year we went 7-1 in the regular season but lost in the second round of the playoffs to the Southampton Stags. We are hoping to build on last season and make it to the National College Bowl for the fourth time in our history!!

PLAYERS Cardiff Representation on Great Britain tour of ItalyChris Davies- post-graduate mechanical engineering student at Cardiff University who also played for the Welsh National team.

Mike Noakes- Graduated from Cardiff University summer 2003.

Simon Purcell-3rd year Pharmacy student at Cardiff University and President of Cardiff University Cobras American Football team who also played for GB Youth.

Jake Box- Defensive Co-Ordinator of GB Bulldogs. Head Coach of Cardiff University Cobras.

The GB Bulldogs returned home after completing a successful tour of Italy.

They returned undefeated having won both their tour games. They won 21 - 0 over Titans Romagna and 27 - 6 over the Italian National U-25 Team.

The Cardiff Cobras, had the distinction of having four of its members represent the team in the British student AllStar team, the Great Britain Bulldogs, on their recent tour to Italy.

The squad was made up of students from universities throughout England, Scotland and Wales, who also played two friendly games in the UK over the summer.

The all-star team was led by postgraduate engineering student Chris Davies, who has played on the Cardiff University team for the past five years.

Chris was chosen by the other Bulldogs team members as Offensive Captain for the tour. He has also played for the Welsh national team, the Welsh Dragons.

Davies started both games at fullback for the Bulldogs, earning hard yards against the Italians.

Mike Noakes, who graduated from Cardiff University in the spring of 2003, has also spent several years with the Cobras, and played defensive tackle for the all-stars.

Simon Purcell, a 3rd-year Pharmacy student and the university club’s current President, played safety for the tourists and has also had the honour of represent-

Cobras players rise to success

ing Great Britain at youth (U-19) level.

The university’s compliment was completed by the Bulldogs’ Defensive Co-Ordinator Jake Box, who has been the Cobras’ head coach for the past five years, leading them to numerous winning seasons and national playoff spots.

Under the guidance of Coach Box, the Cobras have continued to build upon their reputation as one of the toughest and most successful teams in the history of the British Collegiate Football League (BCAFL).

COMPETITION University teams from all over the British mainland comprise the 32 teams of BCAFL who compete each year for

the coveted College Bowl national championship.

Cardiff has contested three of these national championships, the most recent being a narrow loss to the Leeds Celtics in 1996.

Over the past 15 years, the Cobras have an impressive overall record of 8529-12, placing them third in the all-time league standings.

After finishing as the top-rated team in the country last year, and losing a close game to Southampton in the playoffs, the team is hoping to build on that long tradition of success this upcoming season.

The season kicks off on November 2nd, with a home re-match against Southampton at the University Sport Pavilion in Llanrumney.

CONTACTS Anyone wishing to join this years’ squad can find more information on www.eteamz.com/cardiffcobras, by emailing cardiffcobras@hotmail.com or by phoning Simon on 07734 452060.

Cobras aiming for the top

Bar-bados bowls cricketers over Ed Jones relives the cricket team’s summer tour CARDIFF UNIVERSITY’S Cricket Club returned recently from its hugely successful tour of the West Indies. Fifteen members left for Barbados on August 25th where they enjoyed a terrific ten nights, before a final four nights in Tobago.

Bizarrely, the weather proved disruptive and accounted for the abandonment of three of the seven fixtures. Monsoon season meant that the island’s climate was less hospitable than its inhabitants.

The matches completed were a real treat however. Although they may now deny it, many of the party were approaching the cricket with a good deal of trepidation.

In fact, the opposition was poor at times, while in other matches where it was of a slightly superior quality, challenging and competitive matches were ensured The team certainly did not let themselves down, winning two and losing two. Ian Jack’s batting performance in the first game was the only point at which the entire team was genuinely humiliated.

The encounter with West Indies University at their campus ground, was unforgettable. At a venue recently graced by Australia,

Cardiff performed at their impressive best to dismiss their hosts for only 124 .

Ben Warwick, Joe Robinson and Ed Jones all took wickets. The pace and accuracy of the opposing bowlers then provided a severe examination of the Cardiff batting.

Andy Diggles, Will Muse, Ian Jack and Ed Jones all made good contributions but captain Steve Clarke was awarded the task of smashing the opening bowler for nine runs off the last four deliveries to win the game.

The captain failed, but the narrow defeat could not spoil what had been a tremendous occasion.

A shambolic defeat to Combermere School was the team’s only other loss. An embarassing low occurred when, during the Combermere innings, the batsman decided that having hit Alex Tucker’s first two balls for six, continuing to bat right-handed was an unnecessary bore.

The team recovered by crushing another of the local schools, Alma Parris, soon after. Lloyd Ebdon, Muse, Jones and Tucker again made runs while the tour’s leading wicket takers, Jack and Robinson, ripped through the opposition bat-

ting.

Many of the off-the-field antics will also live long in the hearts and minds of the club’s players.

Having paid their entrance fees, heavyweights Muse and Sam Shepherd were inspiring in their destruction of the free bar.

In their case, Barbados reluctantly witnessed binge drinking on a scale almost unheard of on the island.

Days without matches were filled with an excellent programme of activities. Perhaps most memorable was the Catamaran trip along the coast.

Stopping twice to snorkle over a ship-wreck and then with turtles, before being treated to a fine lunch and a free bar.

Ben Warwick’s demolition of the vessel’s beer supply was as astonishing as his behaviour later that day. In central Bridgetown, a 6ft 7” ranting Englishman is a little hard to hide and it took several teammembers some hours to nurse him back to physical and mental health.

Even so, Warwick earned the sincere gratitude of everyone on tour for the work that he put in to ensure the trip was such a success.

Thank you Ben. Now, where to in 2005?

GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS-GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SP

GR SPORT FOLIO

Gavin Ramjaun University football team

By Riath Al-Samarrai

Combining the show-biz glamour and outrageous dress-sense of Little Richard with the eccentric mystery of David Blaine, Gavin Ramjaun is both entertaining and wildly unpredictable.

Perched on the edge of his backto-front chair and making little effort to hide behind the dreadlocks

that have shaped one of the most recognisable faces in university sport, the outspoken goalkeeper and idol of the football team is never one to shun the attention.

“I am a showman. I love jumping around, pulling off saves and making the crowd happy,” and furthering this point with an air of David Brent-

style modesty, “some people may think of me as an entertainer. The hair, colourful boots and face-paints mean I get recognised around uni, but that and the social side are just two of the great things about being in this team.”

Accompanying each point with a gaping grin and array of spontaneous body movements, Ramjaun’s energy and passion for football is obvious for anyone to see, and through a confidence not corrupted by arrogance, the “eccentric showman” eagerly assesses his worth to the side.

“I’m a passionate player, and will always give 100 per cent to the game. I am more than just a showman to the club, and I definitely class myself as one of the first names on the team-sheet. I have been a second team regular and done well on my cameo appearances for the firsts, but I would say I was important to the team whenever I play.”

Ironically, such success and fame has come within a short space of time for the Kidderminster born star.

“I was a late starter, and didn’t really begin playing until I was 13, and by the time I was 17 I had played semi-professionally for Kidderminster Harriers and missed out on trials for England Schools, and later on the Mauritius national side.”

But as quickly as he glazes over his experience with international football, Gavin swiftly switches his attention to the recent rise and fall of his political career, “I was gutted when I lost the elections to become Union President, but it was reassuring that the whole football team came together to vote for me. I was very proud.

“Again though, that is one of the great things about playing for this team, because you form so many friendships, and have such a wide circle of friends. I live with six of my team-mates, and with the excep-

tion of one fat player, who carries a resemblance to a pig, and he knows who he is, I like the whole group of boys.”

Gavin, on the surface projects a man of confidence and complete impenetrability, yet below the luminous glasses and outrageous outfits are several deep concerns.

“Admittedly I’m in the public eye to an extent and rumours will happen, but I need to put people right on a few things,” and with a painful and well practised sigh concludes the interview, “I am not a womaniser, and the common claims of homosexuality are equally absurd. I don’t like being judged by these malicious lies.”

Upcoming gair rhydd interviews will include Hampshire cricketing sensation James Tomlinson and footie ace Gaz Nettleton. Make sure you pick up the next issue to learn more about the legion of sporting superstars scattered around Cardiff University.

“I’m a passionate player and I always give 100 percent”

IMG draw Find out who your team will be playing in the new season Page 30

Gavin Ramjaun Page 31

Are hooligans still a problem?

Of course they are, but does the media hinder the fight against them? Page 29 email gsport@cf.ac.uk

11 October 2003 - Issue 745

Get your kit on !

AU President Brown urges students to get involved

AROUND THIS TIME last year the 2002/03 Athletic Union President Polly Hills and her staff may have stopped you in your tracks to get you to sign up to a campaign to Keep Wednesday Afternoons Free.

This year’s A.U. President Tom Brown has decided on a slightly different approach towards this campaign.

It is called Get Your Kit ‘ON’ and yes, it is just as it sounds. The aim is to get as many students wearing their sports kit into lectures on the morning of We d n e s d a y October 22 2003 and lecturers a r e

also invited to take part.

“I hope this new campaign will provide a much more effective and visual method of promoting the importance of sport on Wednesday afternoons within Cardiff University,” said Tom Brown.

Thousands of students participate in some form of A.U. sport or activity every We d n e s d a y, whether it i s

for the University, within IMG or just for fun.

“Maybe this year the campaign is more necessary than ever with the merger with the Medics being a potential threat to the A.U. budget.

This campaign is a pilot in Cardiff this year and it is set to go national next year with the backing of N.U.S and B.U.S.A. and could

be the largest campaign of its sort in student history,” Brown added.

Another purpose of the Get Your Kit ‘ON’ campaign is to support the Global Football Challenge, which aims to raise £500,000 for the Red Cross Disaster Fund.

The Challenge, led by Cardiff University s t u d e n t s , attempts to set a world record

by playing seven official games of football on seven different continents in ten days.

This will also involve another new world record for the first Official football match ever to be held on Antarctica. The Red Cross Disaster Fund ensures that lives will be saved the next time disaster strikes.

Everybody, not just the members of the Athletics Union, is encouraged to buy a £1 raffle ticket and wear their kit. The raffle will be drawn on Get Your Kit ‘ON’ Day at the Sports Kit/Uniform Rubber Duck night in Solus and there are individual and team prizes to be won including your weight in Brains, team shirts, gig tickets, meals, days out and lots more.

The more tickets bought by a sports club the more chance they have of winning a team prize. Raffle tickets are available from various locations including the A.U. Tom Brown urges, “Please take part in this campaign and not only help save A.U. sport but help save lives.

Anyone requiring a ‘Get Your Kit On’ raffle form can pick one up from the AU office on the third floor of the Student’s Union.

Blues shot down by gunners

By Ffion Atwell

Edinburgh 33 - 16 Cardiff Blues THE CARDIFF BLUES’ season went from bad to worse after they were dumped out of the Celtic Cup by the Edinburgh Gunners.

Despite being 10-0 up after 15 minutes, the Blues threw away the lead and the match, eventually losing 33-16.

Prop Ken Fourie scored an early try with the help of the pack, which Nick Robinson duly converted after an initial penalty.

The Scots replied half way through the first period with a superb team effort, starting inside their own 22 and awarding Marcus Di Rollo with a try in the corner.

However, the centre found himself in the sin bin in the 34th minute after repeatedly failing to release the ball

in the tackle.

The Blues failed to capitalise on the one-man advantage and managed to concede two tries, scored by prop Allen Jacobsen and centre Tom Philip, leaving the home side 19-13 in front at the interval.

Although the Blues scored first after the break, with a Nick Robinson penalty, the team failed to ask any serious questions of the Edinburgh defence, kicking away

large amounts of possession to the Scottish three-quarter line.

Indeed, Edinburgh stretched their lead to 10 points with a try from replacement prop Joel Brannigan after two superb hand-offs by full back Derrick Lee, and which was duly converted by Brendan Laney.

Matters got worse for the Blues when hooker Gareth Williams received a yellow card in the last ten minutes.

He was joined in the bin only minutes later by winger Craig Morgan, who was unluckily carded in the

aftermath of a front row scuffle for collapsing a maul, something a winger doesn’t normally do.

Edinburgh scrum half Rory Lawson put the final nail in the coffin with a late try leaving the Blues with another disappointing loss and their coach, Dai Young, under mounting pressure.

Numerous critics have commented that the coach is in need of assistance and it seems to be only a matter of time before a more experienced hand is brought in to offer guidance.

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