elevision
GRiP
22
gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com
Monday 3 March BBC1
BBC2
ITV1
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 Through the Keyhole 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Cramp Twins 4.20 The Make Shift 4.35 Jeopardy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Boyd and Daniel discover an entertaining way to pass the time. Presumably not mouldering away in an office waiting for the fucking pizza (where? when?) - but it’s Neighbours, so presumably not snorting amphetamines off lubed-up boy biceps either. 6.00 News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 X-Ray 7.30 Holiday 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Celebrity Driving School Gareth Gates gives his instructor an invitation. The same invitation as he gave Jordan? Poor driving instructor. 9.00 FILM: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory 10.00 News 10.35 FILM: Under Siege 2: Dark Territory 11.10 Hot Wax 11.55 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Burn It 12.25 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Body Hits 12.55 Liquid News 1.30 FILM: Circumstances Unknown 2.55 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 Open University: Open Advice - Study to Succeed 6.30 Babies' Minds 7.00 CBBC 12.10 Around Scotland 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Magic Key 1.15 Numbertime 1.30 The Witness 1.35 FILM: The Emperor Waltz 3.20 News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air On a trip to a cash dispenser, Will and Carlton are held up at gunpoint. By a ‘gang’ of ‘Africans’, no doubt! (This week, TV Desk hates: bigots writing in to Letters.) 6.45 Farscape 7.30 Wrong Car, Right Car A man in his fifties wants to regain his youth with a sporty vehicle. Point and laugh! 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 The Aristocracy: Born to Rule - 1875-1914 Born to rule? I’m the only one born to rule round here, and don’t you forget it, fuckerz. 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks Featuring Siobhan Fahey, Hugh Cornwell, Sean Rowley and Barry Cryer. Good lord, I’ve actually heard of the first two. 9.30 Shooting Stars 10.00 The Kumars at No 42 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 BBC Four on Two: A Year in the World of BBC4 12.30 BBC Learning Zone 1.30 Humanity and the Scaffold This sounds very existentialist. A good thing.
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 3.25 Eddy and the Bear 3.35 Hilltop Hospital 3.50 As Told by Ginger 4.10 Fingertips 4.30 Eliminator 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale Tricia's attempts to settle into married life cause ructions. A particularly painful ‘fnarr’ for her, then. 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street Martin comes through for Gail as she begins to crack. And another fnarr! ITV are truly on top form tonight. 9.00 A Touch of Frost 11.00 ITV News at Ten 11.30 The Premiership on Monday 12.30 Champions League Weekly 1.00 Football League Extra 1.35 Wish You Were Here...? 2.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.50 Antiques Trail 3.15 Entertainment Now! 3.40 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Fucking space. People, go and buy the Raveonettes LP - ‘tis awesome.
BBC1
BBC2
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Cash in the Attic 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 Through the Keyhole 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.45 Cavegirl 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 EastEnders Spencer tells Vicky about the significance of Pancake Day. Given that it’s the ‘Enders, expect grease and fat to figure heavily. 8.00 Holby City Tom Campbell-Gore returns to Holby and annoys Alex. Indeed he does. Grr. 9.00 In Deep 10.00 News 10.35 In Deep 11.35 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 12.05 FILM: Mr Majestyk 1.50 Sign Zone: HomeFront 2.50 Sign Zone: Horizon 3.40 Sign Zone: How to Be a Gardener 4.10 Sign Zone: See Hear 4.55 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 Open University 6.30 Open Advice 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Megamaths 1.15 Watch 1.30 Afoot Again in the Past 1.45 Living Famously 2.45 am.pm 3.20 News 3.30 Escape to the Country 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 With ABC, Crowded House, the Damned, Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg, and Paula Abdul. 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Meades Eats: The Alphabet Soup of the British Gastronomic Revolution An investigation into the so-called gastronomic revolution reveals that British food still has a long way to go to reach the standard of some of our European counterparts. Jamie cunting Oliver would be the living manifestation of this, then. 8.00 Country Parish 8.30 Escape to the Country 9.00 Living the Dream 9.50 Posh Nosh 10.00 Manchild 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 The Cuban Missile Crisis 12.25 Witness 12.30 BBC Learning Zone
Film 2003 BBC1 11.35pm
Hot Wax BBC1 11.10pm
S4C
five
6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 River Cottage Forever 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Time Team 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Cefn Gwlad Dai Jones meets the interesting Welsh character, Gwyn Williams, a caretaker at Ysgol Twm o'r Nant whose many interests include slate carving. Bless, that blurb makes him (or her? Hard to tell with Welsh people) sound so gnome-like. 8.30 Ffermio Weekly 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 V Graham Norton 11.05 Buried Shiel is top dog but when he attempts to sexually harass a first-timer, Lee intervenes. Ooh, this sounds like a very promising programme. 12.05 Empire 1.05 Boys Alone Update 2.00 Operatunity Popstars for opera singers? Methinks this means a mustn’t-miss programme. 4.00 Schools
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 California Bay 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: McMillan - All Bets Off 3.40 FILM: The Iron Maiden 5.30 War in Iraq 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Live with... Christian O'Connell 7.30 five news 8.00 Arrest and Trial: Die Hard Dad 8.30 Weapons of World War II: Heavy Bombers 9.00 The Michael Jackson Interview: The Footage You Were Never Meant to See 10.40 Ali G: Before He Was Massiv... he was littl. 11.15 The Honey Trap 11.50 Out There! 12.20 US PGA Golf: Chrysler Classic 1.10 NASCAR Busch Series Motor Racing 2.00 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix 3.30 Ironman Triathlon: Wisconsin 4.20 Dutch Football: FC Utrecht v Ajax
ITV1
S4C
five
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Family Fortunes 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 News 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 3.25 Eddy and the Bear 3.35 Hilltop Hospital 3.50 The Foxbusters 4.00 Hey Arnold! 4.30 Dangerville 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale Emily's attachment to Debbie gives cause for concern. A fnarr? Hmm, ‘tis rather weak but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Go on then. 7.30 Wish You Were Here...? A Liverpool couple explain why they love Majorca so much. Well, duh; they’re from Liverpool. 8.00 The Daily Mirror's Pride of Britain Awards 2003 9.30 Oblivious Popstars 10.15 ITV News at Ten 10.45 Tarrant on TV 11.15 Soccer Special 12.15 FILM: The Russia House Espionage drama in which a dissolute British publisher is drawn into a web of intrigue when he becomes involved with a mysterious Russian woman. Oooooh, mysterious Russian women are the best things ever. 2.25 Trisha 3.20 World Sport 3.45 Football League Extra 4.25 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Salvage Squad 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Slaymaker 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Pacio 9.00 Brad yn y Bae 10.00 Relocation, Relocation Tom and Carol are expecting their first child and have decided on a spacious family home in Dorset. They also want a Georgian town flat in Bath. Well, as every Victorian child used to know, you don’t always get what you want. In the case of these yuppie cnuts, it’ll be because TV Desk has hunted them down and shot them. Muahahahaha. 11.05 Girls Alone Following hot on the heels of paedo-pop, it’s the advent of paedo-TV! Mr T will be pleased. 12.05 V Graham Norton 12.35 NYPD Blue 1.30 The Richard Taylor Interviews 2.00 FILM: Move Over, Darling 4.00 Schools This week, TV Desk loves: pissing off Sports Desk with Nick Cave; stripy hair à la TV Amy; the new Cat Power album. TV Desk hates: the god-awful Datsuns (widdle-widdle-wank); worlds of computer-related pain; you all.
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 California Bay 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Starsky and Hutch 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Brain Teaser 2.25 FILM: McMillan Coffee, Tea or Cyanide Coffee (strong, black) for me; cyanide for Robbie ‘Fool’ Williams. 3.40 FILM: For Love Alone 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs Eileen tries to prove to Pete she is management material. Ha no one on these half-witted soaps even approaches management level. 7.00 War in Iraq 7.30 five news 8.00 Crime and Punishment: People v Kayser/ Palomino The US legal documentary series following real-life courtroom cases. Good lord, the Yanks seem determined to take the word ‘exploitative’ to new levels. 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.55 Boomtown 10.50 Murder Trail: Angel of Death 11.50 God Almighty 12.20 Kick Boxing 1.15 Boxing: Fight of the Week 2.05 Indy Racing League 2.55 Sunshine Tour Golf 3.45 2003 Winter X Games 4.30 Argentinian Football
Tuesday 4 March