totalfilmonline @totalfilm
GIVEAWAYS OF THE APES bit.ly/2AFVQIj Glancing at our signed War For The Planet Of The Apes steelbook, we thought the ape (r)evolution had begun; then we realised it was Andy Serkis’ autograph. Or maybe Caesar wants us to think that… Run! He’s got a pen!
VALERIAN AND THE BOX OF NINE doughnuts bit.ly/2k9kkCX On the outside: a shade of blue that made them look like Ava-tarts. On the inside… well, we’re still figuring that out, but guesses ranged from parma violets to “some kind of pâté”.
Aquaman awaits his Wyld Stallyns audition.
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in the next Justice League film. His cape will be swapped for a duffel coat, a sandwich will be kept under his hood and he will be a lot more kind-hearted and polite – though if pushed, he’ll give a disapproving stare! ELLIE P-H, VIA EMAIL
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s I predicted, Justice League was totally rubbish. How can you put these superheroes together and not properly introduce them? The script didn’t attempt to hide its lack of respect for the characters. Another thing – what’s the point of having a film about Aquaman afterwards? SADIA HUSSAIN, SLOUGH
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o dudes, just wanted to say that Aquaman was totally bodacious in Justice League. I can’t wait for his next film Aquaman’s Excellent Adventure (or perhaps Bogus Journey)… and a game of Battleship with Ocean Master! WAVEY DAVEY, VIA EMAIL
Dialogue’s down with the thought of an MCU (Marmalade Cinematic Universe); it would certainly set an excellent example to have Pad-Man addressing criminals as ‘sir’ or ‘madam’ as he sears them with the Bat-brand. As for Aqua-Bro, just look at the cast! Momoa! Lundgren! Nicole Kidman as Aqua-mum! Dory! Ursula! SpongeBob! Some of those are still negotiating contracts, BTW.
JEDI SMITE
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applaud Mat Ingledew [TF266] for expressing his dislike and weariness of all things Jedi. Too often it feels as if it’s sacrilegious to criticise an outrageously popular cultural behemoth, but we should be able to say what we think without hordes of cos-playing fan-folk threatening to burn down our houses. While I don’t agree that the Star Wars movies are poorly made, I struggle to see the appeal of them to anyone other than
Office spaced
Chatter ‘gems’ overheard in the Total Film office this month...
“Had a dream where I put Paul Thomas Anderson on the table at the vet’s.” * “Why was Aquaman hungry? Because he only had ’arf a curry!” * “What’s the point of standing in a quarry?” * “The inspiration of Moana has got me through the whole day!” Total Film | winter 2018
MISSISSiPPI MUDBOUND PIE bit.ly/2AdJAxD We’ve been giving the geese a run for their money in the fatteningup stakes this Chrimbo; at least this package for Netflix’s ace Mudbound allowed us to balance the sugary yumness with some, um, hard liquor.
PADDINGTON VISIT bit.ly/2nbLTMT Total Film is based in Paddington, so imagine the thrill at meeting its most famous resident! Yeah, the bear was pretty starstruck. Sadly, we were too busy wolfing marmalade sarnies to sign any back issues.
Whisky Quite Literally Galore bit.ly/2AhkTyl The goodies sent out for the home-ent release of remake Whisky Galore were oh-so-predictable… and we were oh-so all over them. Turns out no one knows how to do a Scottish hamper like Scottish Hampers.
TWENTY MORE MCU FILMS: DISCUSS http://bit.ly/2nd41WF “That’s why Marvel is the best,” said Facebooker Sabbir Ahamed in response to Kevin Feige’s news. “They plan and always stick to the plan!” Craig Gilchrist was less convinced: “This needs to stop… kill me now.”
LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TV SHOW http://bit.ly/2Bw0upI “Don’t make it as whimsical as the movie series,” advised Chase Adams. “Make it more like the Vikings series, but with the fantasy element.” Meanwhile, Gary Caffrey had a message for Amazon: “Don’t.”
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