relationships
I had already suffered from depression, and my mom’s diagnosis made things worse. When I went through mental health struggles as a teen and self-harmed, my mother walked in on me in the act, cutting my thigh. Some might have responded by closing the door and walking out, or having their own emotional breakdown, but my mother reacted with the instincts of fierce love that she always has, channeling it into a rage as she grabbed the knife from me, telling me that she gave birth to me, and she wouldn’t stand by and watch me hurt myself. And although that might seem like a tense moment between us, what came through was the same quality that demonstrated her strength as a mother—that the priority was to love me and make sure I felt loved. This priority was essential to her, as my grandmother and mother have always had a rocky relationship. My grandma experienced her own mother’s trauma, which caused her to devalue love, ultimately affecting my mom and her childhood. My mother recently found her peace and closure after a discussion with my grandma, who lives in a nursing home. At the time, she was 68 years old, and my grandmother was 100. I’m so grateful that my mother and I never let resentment or pettiness settle in our own relationship and that we were always able to break things down in conversation. Mom is a goddess of optimism, which is another major reason that she’s my person. Through all her tumultuous life experiences, she never stopped believing in love and relationships, and she passed that value on to me.
I mentioned that the two of us can be a mirror image of each other at times. In her words, we are each other’s “reflection, but it’s all flipped—a 2.0 version.” She sees and understands my struggles, and I see hers. Sometimes they’re very different, and sometimes not at all. Last year, I got married. I live in Toronto now, and the toughest part of leaving New York City behind hasn’t been losing the city, but not being able to see Mom on a daily basis. After my wedding, she felt a new sense of security that she could finally pass the baton, and I had another guardian angel in my husband. With COVID-19, I haven’t seen her since last year, and it kind of feels like a vital organ is missing. My friends and husband are an incredible support system, but there’s nothing that feels better than just sitting next to her, having her play with my hair as we sip lattes together, our unspoken collage of shared experiences laid out around us.
Our love is still growing today, and I’m eternally grateful for that. Nowadays, we lift each other up in moments of weaknesses and cheerlead each other on to our own self-confidence and positivity. Our trust has grown tenfold, as has our ability to listen and actually hear one another. Rather than fumbling with loose ends that require closure, we hold hands and walk side by side as we learn life together.
FAREWELL ISSUE / FALL 2020 FUTUREFEMALEMAG.COM 29
