By Lisa Grant Relationship Counsellor & Sex Therapist
I LIKE YOU... A LOT! NO MATTER OUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION OR GENDER, IT IS SOCIAL MEDIA, MOVIES, ANECDOTES AND URBAN MYTHOLOGY TELLING US THAT ONE DAY WE’LL MEET THAT PERFECT PERSON WE’RE MEANT TO BE WITH AND WE’LL FALL MADLY IN LOVE. The emphasis is on fortunate happenstance and the mysterious fairytale meeting of two people who are destined to be each other’s life partner is often something that, although beautifully romantic, is not often based on reality. Often there is little space and thought in this narrative given to alternative and less heteronormative relationships; the meeting and matching, and extra layers of complexity that might need to be navigated. Likewise these ‘love stories’ don’t give much airplay to those who prefer their solitude, or only occasional forays into companionship and connection. In spite of the non-inclusive shortcomings of the messaging, it’s still easy to get caught up in pursuing this magical meeting and connection, and to think that there must be something wrong with us when — and if — it doesn’t happen. Given this, it’s a bit of an oversight that the popular mythology doesn’t also embrace the thought that there will be others we meet, who may, if given a chance, be just the person we’re looking for.
So what is this thing called attraction? What makes us gravitate to a particular physical type, to favour a look, a style, broad shoulders, blue eyes? What makes us insistent that we need a particular type of person in our lives, and makes us not notice others who vie for our interest, and who, as they approach us, get in return the dull stare of disinterest or the blank look of distraction. We buzz around each other in a dance of connection. We are hardwired to connect with one another socially and sexually in the way that social species do. Woven through the dance is the internal chatter and dialogue about the acceptable and the not so thrilling; the prospective others we let through into our view, and those who are filtered out. As author and philosophical observer Alain de Botton says, love is more about the skill of connection and maintaining that connection, than it is about the warm feeling of having found someone whose interest in us matches ours in them.
I believe it’s important that we are able to look beyond the search for ‘perfection’ and see what might well be right in front of us.
The ART of
Attraction
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