One Last Look at the Guilty Pleasures

16. Morbius (Daniel Espinosa)

Look, I know none of the films on this list are going to make any best of lists this year but they still made this boring life fun and that deserves some credit, right? An obvious one to start with but deep down we all loved it. Cannot recall a movie doing so badly that it crashes out of cinema early, only to get a re-release a few months later because of it gaining ironic following. On some level, I really respect that. The people know when it's morbin' time, it's morbin' time! No messing about on that shit. One glance at the directors track record and it's no wonder this turned out as bad as it did. He did the Alien rip off Life and one of my Dad's favourite movies, Safe House. The Denzel Washington banger with Ryan Reynold's before he got annoying and played the same character over and over. Morbius allows Jared Leto to do what he does best, being shite. He is dedicated to his craft though of being incredibly shite. His frenemy is played by Matt Smith, possibly my least favourite actor. We kick off with some really shaky flashbacks watching them grow up. Then in the middle there's the worst take on Dracula you ever seen. For the third act, these two friends now enemies clatter in to each other for a bit as they fly across the skies. It's as clueless as Man of Steel's finale battle, except they know now if they show too much out of character violence the nerds will kick off so they just give up. Morbius has one of the funniest endings of all time, they simply don't have one and give up. It was like the producers said "that's it, you're done, just throw in the towel, bring up the credits". Avant-garde cinema. 1/5.

15. Black Adam (Jaume Collet-Serra)

Weirdly, as may be clear from these last two, I do have a soft spot for God awful superhero movies. Majority of them bore me to death. The funny bad ones are at least tolerable. Been saying for years these all these Marvel/DC movies do is take the shell of characters, eject all the personality and slip them into the same narrative each time. Plus, the format, tone and style of storytelling has always been wrong. As a form, the first scene of X-Men 2 and the entirety of Sin City mastered what these could and should look like. They are art in using the medium of film to capture the panels from the comics. Could even top it with the fluidity of the motion achieving something the comic cannot. Now, I would not expect Hollywood to craft movies that actually push mediums but they could at least emulate the campy tone? We're talking '66 Batman and the Joel Schumacher ones. Black Adam is not intentionally camp but it feels so outdated and behind that it almost falls in to such categorisation. You know when you're putting in the world's safest actor in to the world's safest genre it's probably over. James Bond in there too just to keep the sinking ship afloat. Shots and plot stolen directly from early MCU film Iron Man. Typically uninspired soundtrack with the Ennio Morricone moment being the icing on the cake. That's why I have some time for Black Adam. There's the sense that this rubbish can't be far from over so we may as well celebrate its demise. The Rock wasn't wrong when he repeatedly said this would usher in a new era of the DCEU. Only because it's fucking shit and they're gonna have to consider a completely new direction. Hence, the arrival of trash legend James Gunn who will either destroy it from the seams or improve it. Eithers fine. As for Jaume Collet-Sera, what are you doing, son? From reliable journeyman Jaume making Liam Neeson vehicles to studio stolen Jaume. Is he like James Gunn, another of our boys undercover in the system ripping this shit to shreds? Only time will tell. These MCU/DCEU movies been shite since day one, they somehow just keep getting shitter. Get the beers in, sit back and just enjoy the superhero movies unfathomable decline. Victory will soon be ours. 2.5/5

14. Moonfall (Roland Emmerich)

Houston, we have MANY problems. Emmerich has always proudly gone by the title of 'the master of disaster', referring to his fascination with end of the world narratives. He's actually a huge environmentalist, which explains the reason for his films depicting catastrophic world disasters. It does not explain why his filmmaking abilities are also catastrophic and disastrous. Somehow, he always manages to make the themes of collapse slip in the style too. We're talking on such a level that we can consider him an auteur. An obnoxious and cinematically grotesque one like Michael Bay but an auteur nonetheless. He makes the kind of lousy films you'd have seen on TV back in the day when visiting a relative and having limited options viewing wise. After flicking through the channels, giving up and watching Jurassic Park 2: The Lost World, Armageddon or The Day After Tomorrow. Kids nowawdays used to On Demand may not understand this. It's a dying game. Mr Emmerich, like it or not, is ITV2Core. So much so that when I came back for my second viewing on TV, in my head I said to myself "and next on ITV2 we're on the brink of extinction and the moon is not behaving like it should in Roland Emmerich's Moonfall". Yeah my man's keeping the flame alive with a movie so stupid and quintessentially him that it falls into self-parody making it interesting. Join the gang of Patrick Wilson, Halle Berry and John Bradley as they go on a space adventure only David Icke could dream up. Not too sure who this John Bradley geezer is, think he was in Game of Thrones but to me he looks the spitting image of a maniac I know by the name of Garlic Mac. Just a warning, you will see things you've never seen in this movie. Best scene is the trio in a rocket taking off urgently as a 'gravity wave' heads for them. Imagine like the trash version of Interstellar's erotic docking sequence. Visuals like Inception but carved by a lunatic. Trust me, you'll get a headache trying to keep your bearings on the science of this one. Nothing can prepare you for the stupidity that awaits you in Moonfall. Probably wouldn't recommend it to scientists, they may lose their minds. The Emmerich charm marches on! 2.5/5

13. Firestarter (Keith Thomas)

Loathed by just about everyone but Mr J M Kelly. Sadly, neither the original wasn't all that popular either with some believing perhaps Stephen King's source material has some inherent flaws. Always approved of Firestarter's concept. Anyone that can just conjure fire like that has my attention. Pure Scanners/Spontaneous Combustion style thrills. Plus you had the highly underrated David Keith (check out White of the Eye, an Americana Giallo!) and the ever adorable young Drew Barrymore. Many cited the original as being poorly paced. Yeah but it had Tangerine Dream on the score so I was straight vibing! Did here too with John Carpenter's score. My problem with a lot of movies today is multiple lines for poor jokes and overly long narratives because there has to be some quest or pseudo complex multiverse. Firestarter then is somewhat refreshing in just being a tight 90 minute genre picture that behaves like it should. Sorry, that's just where we're at now. Need to praise the basics because so many don't get those parts right. On a purely emotional level this works. They sacrifice the originals mystery and brutality for exposition but the family drama still comes across. You get to finally witness Zac Efron's transformation into a papi too. The dudes become a dilf. Moreover, how can we hate a movie where the bad guy is introduced to Nitzer Ebb's Control I'm Here. That's an entrance. I've seen many talk about 'the closing credits of the year' with White Noise and Pearl. Both whack. Firestarter had the best closing credits of the year. Sorry nerds, that Johnny Carpenter score and 80s horror font gets me excited. 3/5

12. Texas Chainsaw Massacre (David Blue Garcia)

Hearing that chainsaw ROAR has lost none of its thrill. Sends me into a fucking frenzy. Garcia's film did not exactly get the warm reception of David Gordon Green's first Halloween movie but it's far from a bad movie. Fitting in with the current requel trend, it brings back final girl Sally from the OG and she's mad as hell. This girl on some Jamie Lee Curtis PTSD shit. Might not be the most original thing in the world but facing her off with Leatherface is pure box office. This is about the dumbest aged final girl though. She's out here wanting apologies from the big man or some form of acceptance of his crimes. Mr Leatherface just isn't going to go down like that. Kept screaming at my TV "Bird he doesn't fucking care! He doesn't give a shit! Shoot him! Shoot him you stupid fuck!". No match for the infamous mothers boy as it turns out. Respect to this for finally making the kids unlikeable shits again. They're on a mission of gentrification. Evicting old people from their homes wherever they go. I have never been more pro-Leatherface. Get 'em son! The bus scene already feels legendary. A slaughter as manic as the one from The Burning. Leatherface sticks it to cancel culture and the millennials. One guy genuinely gets his phone out and says, "try anything, you're cancelled bro". Leatherface 1-0 cancel culture. Of course, it's stupid and not done in a smart way but there's an appeal in the silliness of it. Considering how most new horror movies tend to want you to support so called woke characters, this Texas Chainsaw reboot was mocking them and I can get behind that. Stay for the credits when Leatherface comes home as though he's returning from a hard day's work. All I could think was Depeche Mode's Death's Door. Mother are you waiting? Father are you pacing? I'm coming home! Leatherface is coming home! 3/5

11. Orphan: First Kill (William Brent Bell)

The ultimate 'it' girl is back. No-one knows of her chequered past. She rocks up when she feels like it. Stopping just short of being the Malignant of the year. A surprise mainstream horror you come out thinking, wait that wasn't all that bad. The girl with daddy issues is still making us uncomfortable. Reminding us why she's a maniac on the floor. Could well be that she's dancing like never before. Hard to hate this when the plot is pretending Julia Stiles is your mummy for 99 minutes. Loved watching the 10 Things I Hate About You stars progression in to an absolute milf. As a sequel, where you know the twist from the first, this actually plays out well. Uses the now familiar situation to become a satire on the rich and wealthy. Infiltrating all their bourgeois activities such as fencing and upper class parties. Essentially becomes like a modern update of those 70s home invasion movies. The kind Umberto Lenzi used to make like Paranoia and Oasis of Fear. Instead of the usual watering down process of the classics which happens with too many Blumhouse and studio packaged horror these days, this expanded on them in a modern manner. The Psycho reference in the final shot is great. 3/5

10. Day Shift (J. J Perry)

Appearances may be deceiving but this is not quite the rushed and generic Netflix rubbish you're expecting. Watching it build its own world before your very eyes is something of a thrill. To the point the background stories are a lot more interesting than the main one and you'd happily watch a few sequels. We're playing in territory somewhere between Carpenter's Vampires and Sonnenfeld's Men in Black Mr Perry channels some Stephen Sommers if you're in to that sort of trash. Jamie Foxx and Snoop Dogg as a buddy cop duo gives a blaxploitiation throwback to the proceedings. The Dogg is definitely the stand out here. He's genuinely called Big John Elliot. Worth watching just to see the respect he has in this world of vampire killers. Everyone knows his name. Every receptionist at the office wants to fuck him. Soundtrack wise this is very 90s, so grab hold of your seat and be prepared to hear some Body Count. On top of everything mentioned, Scott Adkins has a role and Chad Stahelski works with him on the fight scenes putting this firmly in John Wick land. Conventionally speaking not a great movie but it knows how to have a good time. 3/5

9. The Lair (Neil Marshall)

"The entire Russian invasion of Afghanistan was a smokescreen??", utters a character in Neil Marshall's latest piece of wacky silliness. The Lair aspires to be Alien and The Thing. Unfortunately, turns out more like The Hills Have Eyes 2 . No, not even Dog Soldiers. The Hills Have Eyes 2 from 2007. Marshall and his wife are clearly trying to be this Mila Jovovich and Paul W S Anderson power couple but this is honestly so terrible it makes Resident Evil look like The Matrix. No doubt you could give me a million reasons why this is appalling but I can't see sense. I enjoyed it and that's that. Reminded me of the low quality Italian rip off exploitation affairs back in the '70s and '80s. Somehow it doesn't even manage to meet their standards but it's made with undeniable love. Adored everything this wanted to be and found it funny everything it wasn't. Goddammit, why I got to be such a Neil Marshall Apologist? Really gets me in to trouble. Stupidly, went and liked his Hellboy remake too back in 2019 for which I should probably still seek help for. I didn't choose the NMA life, the NMA life chose me. 3/5

8. Clerks 3 (Kevin Smith)

Kevin Smith's earned a lot of good will credit with me over the years so I'll watch anything he chooses to put out. Therefore, I'm probably not the best person to ask here but generally I thought Clerks 3 was pretty sweet! My fellow Askewniverse fans need not worry it's no Yoga Hosers. If Cop Out and Yoga are the bottom tier, this is probably on the same level as Jay and Silent Bob Reboot and Jersey Girl. But I think Tusk is a great midnight movie so maybe you shouldn't listen to me. Our trilogy closer doesn't quite match that raw guerrilla like blast of the original. A Miramax gem (the company owned by that bastard who is still holding Dogma hostage!) with its dialogue oriented style gets compared to Tarantino but I've always thought is very Linklater in many ways. You know like Slacker if you remember that. The original remains a contender for best low budget indie of the '90s. Smith would master the comic book world further with Mallrats. Although not the best film in his catalogue, could well be the best Kevin Smith movie. He was putting in Stan Lee cameos before the MCU. Clerks 2 holds a special place in my heart, mainly for the rooftop musical dance sequence to Jackson 5's ABC. Oh and when Randal and Dante are going full midlife crisis rant in the cells and decide to buy the shop gets to me. Clerks 3 doesn't reach the heights of the second film but it has its moments. Instead of discussing Lord of the Rings and Star Wars, the conversation has shifted to The Departed. Not too sure why Scorsese's on the menu but I'll take it. Some will take issue with Smith writing in his heart attack and going unbearably meta but it's all worth it for the funeral scene. Almost brought tears out of this man when the iconic line came out. Stay alive and keep making movies Mr Smith! 3/5

7. The Munsters (Rob Zombie)

Rob Zombie's triumph in filmmaking was discussed in great length back in issue #7. So if you haven't read it, head on back for a catch up on why this trashy kids film went down a treat with myself. 3.5/5

6. Beavis and Butt-Head Do the Universe (John Rice, Albert Calleros)

Mike Judge's devious duo are back for more mischief. Sorry, if you don't like Beavis and Butt-Head get the fuck out of town. There's no hope for you. Literally all those boys do is sit on sofas, headbang and cause trouble. Legends of the game. In fact, it was their antics that got me in to metal. Those two young boys showed me the funny side. They're a bloody pair those two. A creation so dumb and dangerous, they could have only come from the '90s and MTV culture. A parents greatest fear, a generation of brain rotted kids spawning from too much time spent watching Jackass. The setup was always simple and this film is no different offering nothing more than a one joke movie. But a funny joke at that! The dastardly delinquents get launched in to space but before that they're scheduled for some rocket training, which means endless cock jokes. Think juvenile trash version of Apollo 10 ½. The boys haven't lost their charm, especially when they're getting in car chases to Black Sabbath's Children of the Grave. 3.5/5

5. Star Wars: Tales of the Jedi (Nathaniel Vilanueva, Saul Ruiz, Charles Murray)

Splits off in to two separate stories. One focusing on Count Dooku and the other Ahsoka. Always believed we needed more Dooku. In Attack of the Clones, before the hilariously silly bike came in, they were doing some interesting things with the character. Finally, suggesting the jedi weren't all that and making you understand why someone would want to form a separatist group. Ends up underwritten in that movie with his motives becoming unclear. Tales of the Jedi doesn't do too much to rectify the mistakes but there are a few scenes of him diving deep in to jedi history that are along the right lines. Seeing him training Qui Gon Jin was a pleasure. Maybe they need to bring back Rian Johnson. He seemed like the only guy wanting to expose the Jedis flaws further. I'm not one of these weirdos who thinks the empire are the good guys or anything like that (they're literally modelled after nazis!) but I do think I'd be forming a side group. At the end of the day, the Republic is corrupt and the jedi are like their police picking and choosing their battles. They'd piss me off too much. In this world, I'd probably be one of your Andor or Han Solo types. Lose me faith and go on a few solo missions now and then but ultimately tied to the Rebel alliance. Right, who's this Yoda imposter? Got well happy when Dooku vollied that little Yaddle fuck about the gaff. Turns out she's voiced by the Queen of Star Wars, Bryce Dallas Howard. Keep Star Wars in the Howard family. Funny thing about Yaddle is she speaks normally, exposing Yoda for the fucking freak that he is. Wasn't too in to the second part of this with Ahsoka. She remains a fan favourite. There is an argument that I need to catch up on the animated Clone Wars series but I've never really approved of this Ahsoka. Not only does she get in the way of my Obi Wan/Anakin buddy cop dynamic but I just can't comprehend it. Which dumb fuck would give Anakin a padawan? I hear it's Yoda of course. That small green bastard thought it would calm him down. Oh yeah that worked perfectly. 3.5/5

4. Obi-Wan Kenobi (Deborah Chow)

Whoever edited the prequel trilogy recap deserves an academy award. They turned dog shit in to The Godfather trilogy. Take a bow son. There's always been greatness in that weaker trilogy and you found all the best bits! This opens eerily with a very different Obi Wan than we've seen before. Gone is that charm and we're left with this disgraced Ronin type hiding out. His Lightsaber is buried and his voice has gone. The empire has won this round. Darth Vader is hunting down the remaining jedis and comes up with a plan to draw out his main enemy. He kidnaps a princess (obviously doesn't know it's his daughter at this point) and Obi wan is tasked with finding her resulting in a very noir inspired second episode. Thought bringing in Leia was potentially lazy but what else would bring back the real Obi Wan from his slumber? All that can be said is they've played this hand now and shouldn't put her in any more storylines involving Obi Wan between now and Hope. Episode 2 features the most badass ending ever. Anakin in a tank, staring at the camera. I shit you not. Shivers down the spine. A taste of things to come. This series peaked on episode 3. The gay Anakin and Obi Wan relationship gets so unbearably horny that Anakin decides to get some fire based revenge and reclaim the higher ground. What is it with these two? This whole fire kink they've got going. Might have to get really in to fire play business. Pyrophilia. Anyone want to just fucking burn me to a crisp? Fair play to this for making Vader scary again. Gave me feelings I've not had in years. Main criticism here seems to be that the climax is ruined by the fact you know neither Obi Wan or Vader is dying. Is that all you watch battles for? Clearly you haven't seen Ridley Scott's The Duellists. I'm a tactician, I like learning about those involved through the way engage in physical confrontation. What I got from this was Vaders hard as fuck but he still can't match Obi Wan. So narratively speaking, there is a lot to fill between now and A New Hope. Stay for the Liam Qui Gon Jeans Neeson cameo. Still no Elan Sleazebaggano though. Don't think I didn't notice this. Disney's erasure of this character will not go unpunished. 3.5/5

3. Jurassic World: Dominion (Colin Trevorrow)

Send Jeff Goldblum the doctors, he's been carrying this series on his back. Truth be told, this is the best of the recent trilogy. Only got the worst reviews because people have given up by this point. First one was flavourless ending in a CGI overload and other than Chris Pratt's velociraptor control had little to offer. Always gets me going when he brings those hand gestures out. Proper Doctor Strange shit. Who is training these Hollywood actors to do these things? Do they come up with it themselves or do they have to bring a professional hand gesture guy in? Either way keep it going. Love it. Second film decided to turn it in to a haunted house thing. A bunch of big boy dinosaurs and you put them in a mansion? Talk about claustrophobic in a bad way. Maybe it could have worked but simple fact is it didn't. Now this absolute masterpiece ranks alongside Joe Johnston's contribution. Throughout, I was thinking have they really turned this in to a spy thriller? This was confirmed when they shot for shot remade the Jason Bourne free running window smashing jump in Malta with a dinosaur. That alone deserves full appreciation. They should have had Goldblum constantly saying, "Malcolm, Dr Ian Malcolm" multiple times just to re-enforce the James Bond angle this is clearly playing for. How can you hate a spy film with dinosaurs? Such an act is beyond me. I can understand the point that there isn't much in the way of threat to the characters but how many films are we in now for Jurassic Park? Wasn't really expecting the originals T. Rex set piece. Came here for the interaction between the cast both old (Wine maker Neill, Dr Sex Appeal Goldblum and Deadly Dern) with the newbies (Baby Howard and Raptor tamer Pratt) as is custom with these requels. A family comedy with silly nostalgia. The spectacle. John Williams theme song. Imagine getting upset over dinos? Can make these good or bad just show me dinos and my heart is content. They even brought back Dodgson! Him and Dennis are my boys. Wherever they go, mischief follows. Long live the mischief. No need to read in to those sloppy co-existence messages. It's about the mischief.

dinos march on. 3.5/5

2. Avatar 2 (James Cameron)

Responded in a very mixed manner to the Way of the Water. Overly long but does feature one of Cameron's greatest ever set pieces towards the end. Whenever the vibe was playing with toys, I was on board. This sort of Small Soldiers imperialist Commandos against the natives thing and I was having a good time. Basically, a dumb futuristic western. However, there was so much I did hate in this. Who was it who said, sometimes a bad review of a movie you actually quite like can tell you more than a good one? Christopher Machell wrote that, "as Cameron has become more fascinated with the technology of storytelling, it seems he’s become less so by the actual storytelling". Interestingly, it recalls David Foster Wallace's essay criticising Terminator 2 for being "FX Porn". That was 30 years ago. Made me think why is it that I think Terminator 2 is a classic action movie and Avatar 2 is a mess? All I can suggest is as Wallace says, Terminator 2 is FX Porn and as for Avatar 2, well that's everything in between. Terminator 2 is well orchestrated cum shots. Avatar 2 is the boring dialogue in between where you fall asleep or fast forward. Also, I'll defend Terminators 2s unexpectedly wholesome observations on fatherhood. We've come full circle on this technology business. Used to be good story and characters were guaranteed, the hard part was pushing the technology to capture the vision. Now we can do pretty much everything with technology, we need to go back to the basics of storytelling. You can hide this to a degree in jaw dropping action sequences but when you become as still as Avatar 2, you're in hot water. Simplified: scenes with the colonel, good. Scenes staring at the fish for 20 minutes, bad. 3.5/5

1. Deep Water (Adrian Lyne)

We've been waiting 20 years for this, baby! Adrian Lyne stans been dying of patience whilst our leader lies dormant. How dare he go MIA. We need one every year from this man. Finally, he returns for his masterpiece. Or not. Lyne is an auteur though and there's no-one quite like him. Truly, he is a master of his craft. His craft? Making deliciously depraved trash involving married couples. He deals in boobs and betrayal. Imagine the Michael Bay of Rom Coms. Think that best seller you can't put down because you're low key so absorbed by it even though you're fully aware it's a shitshow. If the word hack could be a director it would Adrian Lyne. As the years go by, I've done nothing but be able to respect him. He so is what he is that it makes for thoroughly engaging nonsense. His work delves in to what I call Dinner Table Trash and there is no-one who does it quite like Mr Lyne. Oh without a doubt, this is his most preposterous in a long time. Rom Coms have a tendency to become formulaic and boring. Not in this man's hands. Lyne's films operate on a different level of dirty. The relationships way more interesting than your usual output. Here we have Ben Affleck in full cuck mode and Ana De Armas as the hot and horrible woman. Mrs Dangerous and Desirable. Both so well cast. Ben Affleck is sleazy alcoholic dodgy Dad, like if that could be a person, it's him. All he has to do is stand by a window coldly watching his wife and I get the joke. Mr Affleck perfectly embodies the look of despair, waking up each morning hungover, strung up over some unobtainable woman. He's proved this with those classic pictures of him stood smoking over the years. With each new one I hear the words of Fine Young Cannibals's Good Thing bouncing round in my head. "The Good thing in my life has gone away, I don't know why. Shes gone away, I don't know where. somewhere I can't follow her". Nothing made me happier than those photos of him cheekily driving out JLO's gaff one morning. Alexa play, "Return of the Mack" by the Mack Morrison. Get your sunnies on, shadow box the air and start Crip Walking. You could smell it on him. My man. Wish him all the best. He's earned it! Ana is constantly surprising us. More than just a hottie, the girl can act. The greatest actress of her generation? Too soon to say but the catalogue of proof is building. These two are firing back and forth with the mind games like it's Gone Girl part 2. Shocked me having the battlefield for the games being at all these social gatherings. War in the open. The more he kills, she's aroused. I like this logic. Ups the kill count and the horniness. Two for the price of one! Deep Water has successfully divided people in to three camps. The uninitiated Amazon Prime subscriber who saw two big stars, hit play and wondered "what the fuck is this shit?". The older figure who experienced the wave of '90s erotic thrillers, supported a few but understands why the genre died through oversaturation and wonders what the hell they were thinking bringing out another in 2022. Further proof that the genre is finished. Then, there's the horny fools like me who worship Adrian Lyne, know it's not his best work but are just so happy to see him doing another erotic thriller in 2022. Originally, this was actually a Disney product but they freaked out, didn't know what to do about the family unfriendly product and dumped it on Amazon's door step. Odd because Disney have had two uncharacteristically violent movies in Prey and Barbarian on their streaming platform this year. Evidently, America remains as ever more uncomfortable with sex than violence. Consequently, this never even got a cinema release but then again it does reek of straight to DVD. So get your beverage of choice poured, sit back on the sofa with your partner, get the Amazon Prime loaded up and hit play. I am a man who loves Adrian Lyne cinema seeking women who love Adrian Lyne cinema. 3.5/5