Kelly Gets Deep in the Trenches

Deep as the deep Atlantic Ocean. That's how deep is my devotion. Meg, I wanna be yours! On the 11th August 2023, I had a second glorious date with the notorious big bitch of the sea, The Meg. Oddly enough, our first encounter was 5 years ago to the day. I've dated many horrors in my time but this broad certainly takes the top for most disgusting, recalling the Arnie quote from Predator when he gets his first proper look at his grotesque foe, "you are one ugly motherfucker". She eats with her mouth open. She flaunts her naked body in public. She has no concept of personal space. She leaves hickies that scar. To quote Teddy from the best black comedy about difficult friendships over time Memento, the average person would say, "You know, I've had more rewarding friendships than this". To me though, it's love. Meg, I wanna be your raincoat for those frequent rainy days. I wanna be your dreamboat, when you wanna sail away. Let me be your teddy bear, take me with you anywhere. I don't care. I wanna be yours!

I enclose my unedited review of the first Meg that hit our shores 5 years ago:

"Hello fellas it's been a while but I've just seen The Meg and I'm feeling inspired. We all know Kelly is a fan of films involving sharks. Is this one about a shark? This is a mind game between man and beast. Jason Statham wins the battle at every turn. What an absolute fucking machine he is. I thought Chief Brody was hard. Stathams in another league entirely. Never have I seen a man make more of an embarrassment of a shark. He wins it for sure, I believe I had 2-1 on my scorecard by the end of the film. Meg wins the first act looking absolutely brutal destroying ships with ease. Kills one fella making people question Stathams skills. Tbf to Statham he'd been the out the game for 5 years just bevving so our boy was a little rusty. Was hilarious seeing Statham just being a drunk sipping bevs in like Thailand. The way he waltzes round gaffs handing out beers to his visitors was almost too smooth. He literally tells them they are having a beer and that's that. Get yourself a man who can terror sharks and enjoy a chilled bev.

After his questionable first act performance Statham ups his game with the shark. The second act is definitely the best part of the film. I really felt the novelty of a 75 foot shark scrapping people in a rare big Budget film. Every time Statham straps up his wet suit. Oh my god you just know he means business. I was erect. If it wasn't the wet suit it was that bloody suave turtle neck. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. He was even diving in after the shark to save people and getting as close as possible to put a tracker on the shark. He's a mad man. You just knew from there the game was his. You can't outdo a fella willing to dive into the sea and go toe to toe with a 75 foot shark. You just can't.

The Meg gets her chance though in the third act when we get the much advertised beach attack. I was hoping this was our megs big moment, the reply to 2010s ultra gory Piranha remake. However when the big moment our Meg bottled it. The 12 rating didn't help that. I wanted to see some stupid spring break type teens get torn limb from limb. The reality is I have never seen a worse shark performance. Zero kills in this kind of environment is quite frankly pathetic. When it mattered, Statham made an absolute embarrassment of Meg. The only reason he lost the first scrap was because he was rusty. On his best day he was just too much for Meg. Put her right in the fucking ground. While Meg was too busy getting trapped in chains he was knifing the shit out of her with all the weapons at his arsenal. Statham deserved a better opponent. I've seen 8 foot sharks cause more chaos. The Meg was too well behaved. It was almost like she was avoiding killing people. Not on Kelly's watch! There was no anti-bourgeois morally questionable funny moments and sly wit. You need to be dirtier Meg if you want to impress me, much much dirtier!".

Either that was an alright review or more worryingly, I haven't honed my craft over the last 5 years cause I'm still perfectly happy with the outcome. A few things I'd change but it captures the essence and intensity of the Kelly reviewing style.

On a revisit, the only things I'd add would be that even though it's more Emmerich than Spielberg, I've warmed to it over the years as it fills a much needed slate. We have the Syfy movies delivering the trashy bottom of the barrel cheapies and quickies. We have the more serious technically wellhandled mid budget studio movies like The Shallows. It's kind of nice to have a big budget one this dumb. Even if it could be better. Statham drinking akimbo (that's why God gave us two hands) at all times and riding round on a motorbike with a silly hat on is still comedy gold. A real masterclass in acting.

After that, the rest of the first act takes a bit of a nose dive as they introduce you to the rest of the cast and set up the story. This could have been snappier, all we needed was Statham back in BAU (Business As Usual) mode emphasised through the conversion to turtle neck attire and cracking down on his amateur work colleague's incompetence. There was no need to go in to that much detail and kill the pacing. Only a solid third act would have allowed people to forget how sloppy the set-up is but that doesn't fully deliver either due to lack of adequate gore. A victim of settling for a 12 rating in its aims of being a big blockbuster with a wide audience. What you may find though on a rewatch of the first Meg is that second act really holds up, particularly when Statham is diving in to the sea willy nilly needing no excuse to put his body on the line and save everyone. The people's champion. God bless the star system.

Turteltaub is such a lousy director but his films do age extremely well. The Meg is another one to add to his collection along with the National Treasure series that aren't particularly good but they do have undisclosed hangover cure abilities. Crappy Saturday matinee material that excites the children and if you're an adult re-vitalises the body from all harmful substances taken the night before. Works of unstudied science that will take you from head in hands to cheering with the children. They are Turteltaub's gift to the world. Know them and get to love them.

In a rematch more shocking than Rocky and Apollo stepping back in the ring, The Meg chose to fight Statham once more in a last shot to regain her respectability. Turteltaub's a gonner and he's been replaced by the finest British filmmaker of the last 20 years, Ben Wheatley. First of all, great to see one of your own in the chair. Pleasant fellow too, met him in Sheffield's Showroom back in 2016 when he was premiering Free Fire and doing a talk afterwards. He filled us in on how Scorsese got to producing the project and his inspirations for it. Apparently, Scorsese travelled to England a few years prior and asked an unknown source to get him back up to speed with British films from the last few years. Among the titles shown to him, Kill List was a favourite and based off its brilliance he decided to support Wheatley on his next endeavour.

Wheatley began his career as crime filmmaker with Down Terrace. Don't make the mistake of lumping this in with your lads and geezers Guy Ritchie and Danny Dyer British crime output. Instead, it has more in common with your provocative European directors like Nicolas Winding Refn when he was doing the Pusher trilogy. This nastiness soon developed into horror which combined with a British tradition of social realism to produce the unique Kill List. Shot in about 3 days and it's become a classic. Wheatley's vision of a corrupted and deteriorating post-Tony Blair England has only grown more disturbing with time.

Some dismiss it as being too encrypted, symbolic and even derivative but once you engage with it as a Straw Dogs, 8MM and even post-Watergate type of thriller as much as you do The Wicker Man, Witchfinder General and Blood on Satan's Claw then you will begin to see its genius. Since then he's had a few more folk horror hits with Sightseers and A Field in England . The latter being the closest he's come to matching the high standard of Kill List. Whether High Rise is decent remains contentious. I'd go with way off the book but a solid and respectable effort nonetheless. Free Fire was his attempt at some Reservoir Dogs commercial action fun and it is exactly that.

Pictured: a meeting of minds, your least favourite film critic and Ben Wheatley circa 2016

General consensus is that Wheatley's Rebecca remake was a step down. Wouldn't know I haven't seen it. Despite being a huge Hitchcock fan, I don't really rate the original because the camera work, set design and lighting are immaculate in creating the gothic atmosphere and Franz Waxman's overused schmaltzy score acts in contrast ruining the picture. Not even a dig at Waxman, literally all the other films I've seen where he provides a score are also horror based (Rear Window, Sunset Boulevard, Bride of Frankenstein and Dark Passage) and it doesn't ruin them. Bad day at the office from him. Based on this, I may end up preferring Wheatley's version but we'll have to find out.

Wheatley's comeback was 2021's In the Earth. Mentioned this back in a previous issue but this is the best film made under Covid regulations that's also about Covid regulations. Finally, that has caught us up with all things Ben Wheatley. At this stage, you may be wondering what has attracted Wheatley to a big dumb Hollywood spectacle such as this? Craving some commercial fun again like Free Fire or a take the money and run after some weaker efforts and his last being firmly arthouse? You'd have to take that up with him. Hollywood is a chessboard and sometimes you have to make strange moves to stay in the game. Everybody needs a commercial hit now and then to stay bankrolled. "Keeping the lights on", as they say. As a creature feature fan, I can't complain, only the elitist nerds will moan and turn their noses up at the prospect of summer fun. Honestly, what puzzled me more was not why he would do this but how he would do this.

This is what I had to find out. Could Wheatley battle the studios, come out on top and leave his stamp on this stupid franchise? Let's see. One person who enjoyed my review of the first Meg was Ricardo Carvalho. So much so it led him to watch it in the cinema with his girlfriend at the time whilst 10 beers in. When you go that far, you can really feel the primal battle of man and beast. It blocks out the bullshit and you're left believing that The Meg is a masterpiece in fight or flight. Jason Statham, he fights.

Naturally, Mr Carvalho wanted in on this second wind of action from the start and so when the trailer dropped, we had that straight on. Let's go through this, in that trailer, we had Heart's Barracuda (incredible track selection), a Jason Statham 80s training montage and then closed up with a sneak peek of Jason Statham and his nemesis up close (Statham literally throws kicks at The Meg repeatedly). Trailers have a habit these days of revealing too much information but it was undoubtedly clear from these ingredients that we were on track for a summer blockbuster banger.

Plans were set. Meet at Kelly's apartment at 6pm and then roll on out to the boozer for 7pm and cinema for 7.50, ready to pick up the undefeated cinematic scran of nachos, jalapenos and cheese before the screening.

Ricardo Carvalho doesn't understand the concept of time so he decided to show up at mine at about half 7. Somebody teach that man how to tell the time please. My own son, Weng Weng, is 5 and he knows how to do it. In the meantime, Danger Mouse and I ended up watching some old Star Trek episodes on the telly to fill the time. He was greeted at the door by a Hawaii shirt wearing Kelly and the sounds of Italian synthpop duo Righeira's Tanzen mit Righeira. Not a regular rig out but when the dress code is beach, I'm not letting the side down. Asked Danger Mouse where his beach gear was and his only words were, "can't be making myself a tasty meal to The Meg like that". Our Star Trek episode was ruined/made better due to a dodgy viewing experience that bordered on psychedelic. Captain Kirk was constantly dissolving in to Mr Spock in truly disturbing fashion. Suddenly, it occurred to me next time, I'm looking for some acid, I'll just heavily decompress a downloaded file and save my money.

Carvalho's late arrival set the plans back and so we didn't get to the boozer until 7.40pm. No beach gear from him either. Although, this meant a speedy pint it allowed me to see less of that bastard Haaland dominating the prem again from the outset. Someone just take one for the team, get the suspension and take his legs out like Roy Keane did his da back in the day.

The minutes are ticking away here. Missed the adverts. Missing the trailers. Posing the serious dilemma of can The Meg 2 be watched without the ultimate cinematic scran and a beverage in hand? Absolutely not, so we rushed and rushed through the queue, making it just in the nick of time. When we reached the front of the queue, Ricardo and I conferred with each other and came to conclusion that The Meg 2: The Trench was strictly a suit and tie with a bottle of wine affair. We'd failed on the suits but the wine was not optional. At the Odeon in Liverpool, for some odd reason they don't give you a bottle, they pour it in to a plastic container. So if you saw a funny looking man dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, holding a plastic container of Malbec, a whole box of nachos, cheese and Jalapenos and a cheeky grin on his face that read: here to cause trouble. That was quite possibly and most likely, myself.

Having located our seats, Danger Mouse decides now is the time to add, "wait, I've never even seen the first one. Am I going to be able to follow this?". "Tough one to call, I think what we should all be worried about is that there are 7 books of this series that neither of us have read", I weigh in. "Fucking hell, that's it, we're becoming connoisseurs of The Meg", states Ricardo Carvalho. "The REAL MCU", declares Danger Mouse. Ricardo begins doing the maths and complains that, "we can't be leaving any more 5 year gaps between movies, otherwise a crippled Jason Statham isn't making it out the retirement home for The Meg 6" "Lad, that's ex-Olympic diver Jason Statham you're talking about there, show some respect", I demand.

How act one of The Meg 2 turned out to just as sloppy as the first one, we shall never know. Personally, I assumed it would go a lot smoother, considering we know who all these characters are this time and so introductions are not really necessary. Statham's reintroduction is the strongest part. We get to see him doing some James Bond spy work, splitting his time between Meg research and exposing environmental criminals at sea. Statham is still the bastard we know and love but he's now raising Meiying (a role he takes very seriously).

Meiying's uncle is also established as the hot head of the group. In a display of cocky arrogance, he decides to play chicken with The Meg to illustrate he can control her like a dog. You're not Statham, grow up lad. After what seems like an age, they eventually descend in to the titular trench. Aspiring scientist Meiying plays stowaway on the submersible, leaving one angry Statham. Naturally, this is the moment a routine trip to the trenches goes very wrong with there being multiple Megs looking for food and an illegal mining operation taking place at the same time. With their submersibles destroyed, (a seemingly recurring problem in 2023), the gang have no other option but to walk across the ocean floor to safety.

Back up top in the control room, Cliff Curtis has his first lover's tiff with Statham over the comms. Cliff states the obvious and points out the idea of walking 27km across the bottom of the ocean is utterly preposterous. Don't question my methods basically screams now fully fuming Statham. As always with these movies, the oxygen tanks last forever and the bends do not exist. Oh yeah, and supposedly smart scientists always do dumb shit like playing with unknown animals. Why Cliff couldn't offer Statham and crew a lift to the surface in another submersible, I'm not too sure. If you think this is bad, you should have been around in my younger days living on the Wirral and trying to get taxis home from Liverpool after a night out. Finally, someone has captured that surreal experience from my youth on screen.

As this second act progresses, it just gets weirder and weirder, I turned to Ricardo and asked, "why have they all got guns now? They're fucking scientists doing routine missions". He did not have the answer. Then it dawned on me, all this repeated usage of the plural, "Megs" (the funniest example being when Statham at one point asks, "is it Megs?"), crewmembers now going in armed and a dodgy corporation literally acting shady beneath the surface, I knew where Wheatley was going with this. I'm on to you. Go on say it, Kelly. He's hijacked a Meg movie to make his own shoddy Aliens. Nothing but respect, my brother.

Armed with this discovery, you now have to drink every time someone says, "Megs". This will get you through this tough period where Wheatley is attempting to seize control from the studio and actually direct this movie. Towards the end of this act we get a scene of true hilarity. To save the scientists, Statham has to hold his breath and traverse across the ocean to another side in order to release a hatch so they don't all drown. The experts give him about 30 seconds before he will pass out. So he starts holding his breath and we get one of the funniest shots of the movie, which is just Jason Statham staring straight in to the camera intensely, as the water rises and his nose bleeds from the pressure. Of course, he survives the stunt, leading one of the team to cry out, "It's The Deviated Septum!".

After some slow plodding across the bottom of the ocean and slowly finding the movie, once they reach the surface, Wheatley takes over and this becomes, and I say with no hesitation the best dumb modern American creature feature since Piranha 3D. Cliff Curtis and Page Kennedy find each other and the movie finds itself. The buddy cop comes out and it’s a real blast watching those fellas work together. Page Kennedy pulls out a massive weapon and comments that he has silver tipped bullets "Like Jaws 2". Danger Mouse chuckles and chimes in that, "That's a line for Jacob Kelly. They know their audience with that one". Could not agree more. Curtis and Kennedy pull a routine I've never seen before. One of them has the gun and the other pepper spray. Their technique is to open a door, pepper spray the other side first to blind any bad guys and then walk through. They end up pepper spraying the air and walking straight in to it injuring themselves. That's a new one.

Right there needs to be a word for this but I've definitely seen this one a few times. M. Night Shyamalan did it on Glass, when he introduced a mass group of anti-superheroes with no warning in any previous acts. A general rule in film is most third act reveals are first set up subtly in act one but not doing so can be equally hilarious as new information literally comes from nowhere.

The Meg 2 does something similar in revealing Fun Island. No early introduction as to what this is or indication of where this is. All you need to know is that there's this place called Fun Island and that is where people go to party. Clear my calendar, pack my bags and take me there. Has just about the dumbest name but I'm so behind it, it's unreal. Now this is a big shout but this could be my favourite island since Scooby Doo's Spooky Island. Not quite Godzilla Island but it's up there. Take me back. This location is so good it sort of substitutes in for the movie. I'm sure in years to come I'll be thinking about that one night I drank 3 pints and a bottle of Malbec and went to Fun Island. Catch me sat singing in the corner of the room in times of stress, "There, there is a place, where I can go, when I feel low, when I feel blue, and it's Fun Island!".

Need to tell Sterling Kingfisher about this one, he's gonna love it. Makes sitting through all that Syfy crap worth it. They even have the dog from the first movie! He gets around more than Brian Wilson. Fun Island will forever be the place where Ben Wheatley made it happen. This is the place where he created the most trashy big budget creature feature in recent memory go off the rails and in the right way. Think Jurassic Park but way dumber. Around the time they re-surface, this gets dumber at an alarming rate of about every 10 minutes, which is about how fast I was going through each glass of wine so it fit perfectly. We went down this road together Meg and I. Where others failed to deliver on the monster mayhem, Wheatley did it and for that he has my undying respect.

Another bizarre act 3 introduction with pretty much no set up is the giant octopus. A late attempt at a kaiju box office grudge match? Where did he come from? Why was he about these parts? Must have missed something there under the effects of the Malbec but don't recall anything being mentioned as to why there's a giant octopus just looming the coast of Fun Island. Some things are better left unexplained.

We need to talk about the shot from inside The Meg's mouth where he's just straight up chomping on people. Thankfully, Wheatley has already addressed this saying they held meetings on funny ways for a Meg to kill a person. Where was my invite, Ben? I'd have been there in full suit and briefcase for that. Think of the studio resources we could have abused? The money wasted on mischief? Anyway, hang a frame of that shot in The Louvre, it's a work of art. Those who love a good one liner will be satisfied when Jason Statham kicks a guy in to The Meg's mouth and says, "See ya later, chum". Action fans too will be happy to see Harry GregsonWilliams providing the score for this maelstrom. He'll always be a legend for his work with Tony Scott (RIP the King).

Kennedy gets his chance to use those silver tipped bullets and he absolutely nails it. He dives through the air, firing off shots as he screams about how the haters are wrong about the usefulness of silver tipper bullets. In the process, proving all the haters wrong. It takes longer than it should but Statham finds his place once more on a jet ski with those spears again. This time he's come prepared and has a little holder on his back for the spears. Don't you just love it when a man knows he's going to get on horseback and fight another battle? This image and his character is already so iconic in cinema that Ricardo Carvalho sat up in his chair and began rubbing his hands together the minute this happened and let out a, "this is what I came to see". Unfortunately, I was a lot more incomprehensible and could only chant repeatedly, "Get 'em Jason!", from the back of the cinema. Breaking cinema etiquette or aiding the cinema experience?

I think for a movie like The Meg 2, audience participation is as welcomed as it was in the times of the glorious grindhouse. As Shia Labeouf once said, "this ain't the opera, Jackass!"

Things to take away from The Meg 2. Wheatley takes on the studio and eventually comes out top in act 3, channelling the genres heyday in the '50s. Jason Statham is back in fine form with a new nickname of "The Deviated Septum". The Meg puts in a better performance too. Whereas, last time she was on the razzies, this year the oscars could be calling. This might be the Malbec talking but I think The Meg 2: The Trench is a minor masterpiece in the genre.

Director: Ben Wheatley

Screenplay: Jon Hoeber, Erich Hoeber, Dean Georgaris, Steve Alten

Cinematography: Haris Zambarloukos

Music: Harry Gregson-Williams

Production Company: CMC Pictures, Di Bonaventura

Distribution: Warner Bros

Country: USA

Run Time: 116 mins

Budget: 130 mil

Plot Synopsis: Splitting his time between James Bond eco-missions, Meg research and being a single father, Jason Statham is now off the alcohol and a restored respectable name in Science. When multiple Megs breakout from the titular Trench, he must stock up on spears and ride the jet ski once more.

Bonus Points:

-Statham's re-introduction with having him doing ecomissions and taking down pirates

-Ben Wheatley's attempts to make this his Aliens, the repeated use of the word "Megs" and that shot from inside the sharks mouth as it chomps away

-Statham deciding its perfectly fine to walk 27km across the ocean floor

-Statham for that shot where he intenely holds his breath and earns the nickname, "The Deviated Septum"

-Cliff Curtis and Page Kennedy buddy cop routines with the pepper spray and Jaws 2 silver tipped bullets

-Bringing back the dog from the first film

-The Giant Octopus allowing us to have a box office kaiju grudge match

-Fun Island

Overall Score: 4/5