Sterling Kingfisher Does Shark Week

Well, I guess I best introduce myself. My name is Sterling Kingfisher. I'm told I have a very square face and not much of a neck. A superheroes chin but not the physique. Hands as big as rocks. Feet like a bear. I'm an American, hailing from Affton, Missouri with a love for tweed suits. Maybe it has something to do with my Irish heritage. I don't know, I just like the feel of the fabric. Never did like wearing shirts and I certainly never learnt how to fix a tie, so I tend to just wear the jacket with a plain tshirt underneath. It didn't take me long to discover in life that I didn't have much of a brain, we Kingfishers aren't so blessed in this department. No, like my father before me, I think with a camera and my cock. Luckily, so does half of America and so it has treated me well.

After seeing a job in the local paper advertising their need for a movie critic, I gave them a call, got the job on the spot and pretty much set up camp at the nearest drive in and never left. Traditionally, the Skyview Drive In in Belleville, Illinois has been my base of operations, yes the pink one, Bloomer pink for your information, but back in the '80s there was often these storms that would destroy the screens so in times of need the Starlite Drive In over in Cadet has treated me well. Creature features, they're my bread and butter. The Kingfishers have always had motion pictures in the blood. My father, Roland Kingfisher was a very contradictory and confusing man. He used to tell people that he was the 11th of the Hollywood Ten. A final name that was accidentally forgotten about when the original line up was announced. Either way, he went with the Red Channels list, which really embarrassed his uncle Herbert Kingfisher, who had a really high position at Republic Pictures (known for its westerns and serials).

To avoid the publicity, that's when he changed his name to Daniel Lafferty and for the first time he lived life outside of the industry. This did him no good at all, as he didn't have a clue how to do anything else. He wasn't a labourer, he couldn't drive trucks and he sure as hell wasn't a janitor (he was fired for going to the bar round the corner when asked to unblock a toilet). Some men were just made to have a typewriter at their fingertips.

Mostly, he just sat around the house drinking and driving my mother crazy. Ruth Kingfisher was a strong woman. She really whipped him in to shape. Belt and buckle. Literally, made him get a job. Oh, she put the fear of God in to him. B-Movie studios were always in need of good writers and didn't care about their backgrounds. Allied Artists (formerly known as Monogram Pictures) hired him primarily as a science fiction writer. They'd made tons of westerns but wanted to account for the increasing interest in science fiction. We'd conquered the plains and soon we'd conquer the skies. This is the American way. As Howard Hughes repeats over and over at the end of Marty Scorsese's The Aviator, "the way of the future". My father had some vague experience in this field having written a few superhero serials for Republic Pictures. He churned out scripts for Allied Artists at a rapid rate. Completing about 4 scripts a week, yet they only used about 1 a month. The rest were either dumped or recycled.

Ideas came to him by reading newspaper headlines and H.G. Wells. Some scripts were good, some scripts were terrible. The philosophy at Allied Artists was keep on writing, at all costs, we'll get there eventually. We were praised by some Frenchman called Jean-Luc Godard, made a couple of interesting noirs in L'Hexagone and then lost his mind a little. Never really cared much for any of them. Sadly, as my father was not meant to be working his contributions to Allied Artists were never credited and anything submitted was under various pseudonyms such as Clark Angel, Donald Booth and James Womack. I asked him once, "How does a pinko get to be writing science fiction creature features? Doesn't the anti-Soviet sentiment get in the way?" He would only laugh. I dabbled in communism myself for a time but I found I loved the money and the pussy too much. For that you have to be a well principled man, I am not a well principled man. It's sort of like religion. Great to have and I kind of believe in it, I'm just not very good at it. Once again, this is something where I feel the average American deep down feels the same way and so it has treated me well.

My life has been nowhere near as interesting as my father's. Mostly, crawled along on a steady wage and not let the debts get too high. Although, for a while I did develop a cocaine habit. I'm not too proud of that. But how else does one stick to deadlines and write about giant monsters attacking the states? The powder is what guides a man through the jungle. From Godzilla to King Kong. It is the through line. My wife told me it was the coke or the kids and I thought Mr Jesus might not take too kindly to me picking the powder so I made my decision. The cocaine packed his bags and I was grateful to stay in my family home.

I've been in this industry a lot of years and watched it change and not for the better. No more rubber suits. No more model cities. No more hosts. To name just a few things that have vanished from this once promising terrain. In the '70s and '80s, we had a whole generation of cinephiles that took motion pictures in to the next step but with a love for the past. Joe Dante and Steven Spielberg were wonderful directors who cherished all that came before them and tried to recreate their childhoods with new technology. Unfortunately, the filmmakers today don't seem to have the same appreciation for cinema's past. You're lucky if they've seen anything before Snakes on a Plane.

The new teenagers that arrive with every new generation are ok, I guess. Kids are basically the same. Their words may change but they still like their sex and they still like their violence. Good on them. When digital effects came in, I heavily debated quitting the game, the times changed too much and I often worry that I am out my depth in this new modern world. I'm not against the CGI they use today, I just wish they'd go back and learn how these movies should be made. It's like they've forgotten how to make them. Or maybe I'm just an old ranting codger, that's what you say in England, right? Ah, the odd movie still surprises you now and then and when it does, it makes it all worth it. I'm very grateful that Kelly has asked me to be in charge of reviewing his set programme for Shark Week this year and want to do the best I can. Let's hope this old farts still got it!

Day One: Shark Babes (Jim Wynorski, 2015)

And he's off the blocks. Starting off strong with some Jim Wynorski. A B-Movie legend. He's had his fist in all the pie from cheerleader and sorority house exploitation to soft porn to swords and sandals. He's done it all. Including our beloved creature features. His Swamp Thing sequel, much like the first one, is generally underrated. Surely in a generation more eco-oriented than mine, these films should find a whole new audience. Perhaps, that is why James Gunn is deciding to bring the character back. Wouldn't that be something if Swamp Thing saved DC? Wynorski's other monster movies Piranhaconda and Sharkansas Women's Prison Massacre may be a little rough around the edges and let's face it tacky, but this guy knows the rules of the game and always brings the comedy. Under budget and under 90 minutes is the motto and he's a real professional. Shark Babes is no Swamp Thing 2 but it's not a bad little movie when the times right. The time being when you and your other half are a few glasses of wine in and feeling frisky. When a ridiculous idea turns in to a "Honey, what do we have to lose?". When you start something and they finish it. When you're teetering towards the adventurous and on the verge of either ejaculating or going in to a severe laughing fit. It could go either way. This is the mood you have to be in to appreciate a movie like Shark Babes.

My initial criticisms of this years ago was that there was too many babes and not enough sharks. However, on this occasion Kelly has drawn my attention to how well it works as a campy spy movie. James Bond did always have its obsession with sharks occupying the bad guys lair. You've basically just got a bunch of hot and sexy marine biologists working at the Shark Anomaly Center (SAC for short, yes they work in the SAC, great joke). Obviously, instead of doing shark research, as you may have guessed, they have an awful lot of sex. Every cast member gets their turn fucking each other. It's a team sport. So maybe if they're always blowing off some steam with their colleagues, they're not very good at their jobs (Kelly assures me they are ardent professionals). The more educated man will tell you that this is not enough to make for a plot but Jim Wynorski has been at this for over 40 years and has more than 150 successful movies to say otherwise. What do you have? The man's a vet. Make sure you stick around for the talking shark named Roobie Breastnut.

Shark! (Samuel Fuller, 1969)

Infamous picture from the late sixties. Gained a dark reputation for using footage of one its stunt men being killed by the ocean's predator. They even used the images to advertise in magazines. As with all these things, who knows how much is true? A bit of bullshit goes a long way in this industry. It's clear that the producers were going the exploitation route and wanting to make this a supreme shark spectacle by capitalising on the sensational aspects. Hence, the multiple name changes and editing room revisits. Whereas, poor Sam Fuller, legendary director of noir and Drive-in King, is wanting to make this throwback to The Treasure of Sierra Madre. A sort of noir piece with anti-hero smugglers working on foreign soil. Avoiding the double cross and trying to stay one step ahead of the competition.

You quickly get the impression that this had very little to do with sharks and was only re-shaped to fit that afterwards. They even re-released it with a new title after Jaws, re-enforcing how it features real death so you can tell what kind of unsavoury outfit was really running the show. This sleaze knows no bounds. Since it was never meant to be a proper shark movie, it only comes across as flat as though forced in a direction it was never meant to take. Making it neither a good addition to Shock Corridor and The Naked Kiss or a solid shark movie. So don't go expecting Shark Corridor. Perhaps, historically relevant for the media stunt like Snuff but it never has been a particularly good movie. Not even Burt Reynolds could save this one.

The Reef: Stalked (Andrew Traucki, 2022)

Traucki's budgets are increasing and yet his critical appreciation is decreasing. Somebody needs to explain that to me? Because it's not like his skills are getting any weaker. Where are his defenders in all of this? Show yourselves because these false accusations of poor quality craftmanship won't stand with the creature feature police. Since he emerged back in 2007, Aussie seachanger (basically an environmental Ho-Dad) Traucki's proved himself to be a reliable maker of water based monster movies. In terms of rankings, above master diver Johannes Roberts and below Frenchy Alexandre Andre. On Black Water, Traucki had this wonderful idea of how to mix in camera with digital. He filmed his cataclysmic crocs and his actors separately, then he'd fire up the old computer and splice the two over each other digitally. Quite a novel idea. Have we forgotten this?

Formally, he's a force to be reckoned with and this time he's got a few ideas he came to play with. Remember how the Jaws franchise slipped in to slasher mode? Literally from the second film when the focus changed to a bunch of teenagers out boating with no adults in sight. But remember when they started embodying the metaphysical nature of slashers by incorporating predator/prey Halloween tactics? When the Brody's became the target of Bruce's children. Following them across the country and not stopping 'til they got their revenge in Jaws 4. Traucki has returned to this material and brought it back for a post-metoo audience with sharks substituting in for misogynistic males. His women do have that Tarantino style feminist warrior energy about them. They could easily be those girls from Death Proof who once beat the living shit out of Kurt Russell. How seriously you want to take any of these ideas is up to you, it is as it should be: tense and economical. His 2020 sequel to Black Water, subtitled 'Abyss', features the radical idea of putting crocodiles in caves and demonstrates Traucki's obsession with The Descent This appreciation continues in to The Reef: Stalked. Maybe one day soon this dependable dude may make a movie of that level himself.

Sharksploitation (Stephen Scarlata, 2023)

What do you know, some new merchandise? Now this is a documentary they should have made years and years ago. A guide for all the shark fanatics out there. To make sense of all this chaos and make you aware just what the fuck is going on with this genre. Even in literature, there is very little that has been published on shark movies. This documentary takes you through the good, the bad and the ugly that is shark movie history. Opening where this began with 1971s Blue Water White Death, which went on to inspire the greatest of them all, Jaws. Before Peter Gimbel no-one had filmed a great white in the ocean, making that documentary monumental in shark studies. Those divers involved openly admit they had a really limited knowledge of the animals behaviour back then, whereas now we generally have a decent idea of what irritates them and what would be regarded as friendly actions. It's thanks to their bravery that they accomplished their mission and presented their findings to future generations.

Scarlata struggles with trying to suggest the proto-shark movies, skating over the subject without managing to find some clear examples. However, once Jaws comes in it's all uphill. Despite being the peak of the genre, Jaws has had a terrible impact on shark life around the globe. Trivia time, sharks claim less than 10 people a year. Do you know how many sharks we claim in a year? You'll have to google it, the numbers will only bring tears to my eyes and I weep for all of them. Hollywood always invites the rabbis and the priests to comment on their representation but sharks never get in on the meeting. Invite lost in the post maybe. No doubt, one day we'll be hearing from their lawyer. Sharksploitation belongs to a new wave of shark theory along with Eli Roth's Fin (which will forever be remembered for putting the Cannibal Holocaust theme over the massacring of sharks), that target the misrepresentation of sharks as violent monsters. They make great attempts to acknowledge how these creatures do not view us as 'food' and their 'attacks' are normally accidental. I'm all convinced on that, what I'm less convinced about is the enjoyment gained from the endless Syfy movies brought our way in the wake of Sharknado. This party wave of shambolic filmmaking that favours crappy digital effects. Ah well, at least it pays its respects to Roger Corman.

Jaws vs The Meg (2023)

Oh boy, now this is box office. A gladiator match like this is more exciting than a league game. A great tie in, possibly supported by Warner Brothers, to get you excited for the new movie, The Meg 2: The Trench. This would be a light warm up for The Meg, before she takes on Statham in The Rematch of the Century. Our first Shark Week show rather than a shark themed monster movie. This was serious business. So serious, I made sure my wife was out of town for the evening. There was no way I was going to put up with her constant questions the whole evening. "Were sharks really that big?", "If the Meg bit my arm off would I die" or "Is there any actual real evidence to suggest these sharks existed?". Who wants the hassle? So I gave her a few subtle hints to organise a book club meeting over at the Courtesy Diner on South Laclede Station Road just passed the Walmart. Actually made a stop on my return journey at the very same Walmart having dropped her off to get a couple of sixers. But before that I turned up the volume on Canned Heat's On The Road Again, whistled along and called Ronnie Wilson (not the singer from The Gap Band) to see if he wanted in on these male only shenanigans. Of course, he did.

I pour him a bowl of Cheetos, pull up a chair, quickly check out the window that the wife's not coming back early, crack open a few beers and switch on the Discovery Channel. As Kelly would say, "the boys were positively up to no good". Tonight the two competitors will be judged under 4 chosen criteria. Speed, agility, bite and I forgot the last one cause I was a few beers in by then despite only being about an hour long. Didn't help that Ronnie got drunk and kept calling my dog a "mook" again. His favourite insult when dealing with those he believes to be inferior to himself. Next time, he comes round he's relegated to the floor and the dog bowl. The dog can have his chair. Back to the battle, the opening rounds turn out to be quite the surprise with the great white coming out on top. Both Ronnie and I, had our money on the Meg winning this one. "We've called this wrong, I'm switching sides!", yells Ronnie. Someone had to tell this imbecile that Jaws, being the lighter and nimble of the pair, was always going to win on speed and agility. I backed my shark all the way and what do you know? He came out on top. Perhaps, the most intelligent thing of worth to come from this episode of Shark Week was the scientists proposing that it could have been the great whites that caused the extinction of Megalodon. How you ask, considering The Meg just beat Jaws in a 1 on 1? Lost the battle but won the war. Strength in numbers my friend. Comradery and organisation. Perhaps, like our alien invaders, our great whites are also communists...

Day Two: Megalodon: The Monster Shark Lives (Doug Glover, 2013)

Forever known as the one where Discovery Channel lied to us. Back in 2013, this really angered some of our scientists, making them turn against Shark Week, blasting them as shallow entertainers rather than providers of factual information. Most of us dismissed it and really questioned Discovery Channel's journalistic credibility to be making mockumentaries pretending prehistoric sharks such as the megalodon still exist today. 10 years later Kelly has me returning to this infamous piece to shine some new light on it. In his eyes, this episode should be viewed as a work of prankster art on the same level as Orson Welles's radio show of The War of the Worlds and Ghostwatch. Can see why it would appeal to Funeralopolis, as it satirises the modes of television and is very Gonzo. Undeniably, it expands on Open Water, the first shark movie to really tap in to the Blair Witch found footage craze. A slow burner that arrived a little dead in the water. There is some of Troll Hunter in this with how it suggests the government were fully aware of the creatures existence and are withholding all information on The Meg. Perhaps it's still too early to champion this as art but it did get 5 million views to hear some (questionable) facts on a shark. Kelly says Wallace and Gromit: A Grand Day Out once convinced him as a child that the moon was made of cheese and he's got over it. Shark Week rightly got under heavy fire this and their response? Not apologise, come back with Megalodon: The New Evidence (which had no new evidence). Kelly says don't back down, double down.

Sharktopus (Declan O'Brien, 2010)

Kelly's put me back on the shitty Syfy shark movies. This must be a wind up. That man knows I hate them like Anakin Skywalker hates Tusken Raiders. He tells me he wants to explore Syfy Channel's comments in that Sharksploitation documentary where the producers admit to loving Toho Godzilla movies and being inspired by those. He wants to know if armed with this information, they're any easier to love. I tell him they aren't but he's got me doing this anyway. So crack on, shall we? Sharktopus is a reasonably early effort in their catalogue and is produced by Roger Corman, who can make even the most disgusting shit taste like a fine wine, so whilst still far from good isn't the worst of them. It's no Dinoshark but it can and does get worse. Much worse. Fire off Eric Roberts some back pills cause he must be under a terrific strain after this. Set pieces are terrible and the CGI will have you wondering why these people don't just employ Yoshihiro Nishimura. For those who don't know, Tom Savini in the digital age. You get some people who really defend this stuff like Annalee Newitz of io9. Although I don't agree, I get the argument for calling it a disposable cinematic junk food guilty pleasure. What I don't understand is the part when she says it's the Inception of giant monster movies. With all due respect mam, how long have you been in this game?

Malibu Shark Attack (David Lister, 2009)

There are bottoms of barrels and this goes beyond that. This is the bottom of the ocean and that is unmistakably deep. You all remember The Titanic, right? She lies about 12,5000 feet, that's 2,100 fathoms if you're a sea man or 370 miles if you're more of a road user. Malibu Shark Attack puts that boat to shame by going well beyond that. Low production values in this arena is a given. It is unfair to judge with someone above their weight class but you have to at least bring the humour or violent thrills. This does neither suffering from its own terrible writing. A common issue in low budget where scenes go on and on with no real purpose to the point of psychedelic boredom (to put it nicely). Exactly where you need a producer to say, "we get it, give me the scissors!". Normally, Roger Corman's role but he'd do it in pre-production, tearing out worthless pages from the script and operating to the strict and respectable philosophy of a set piece or nudity every 15 minutes on the dot in accordance with the human attention span. Here's the part I can't fathom (forgive me, we're in the sea after all), Malibu Shark Attack has an absolute professional by the name of Brian Trenchard-Smith. Either you know him from his ossiesploitation movies or you're a follower of the Leprechaun series. Where was he to rescue the sinking ship on this one? He's caught napping. Goblin sharks were a welcomed alternative though. Don't see too many of them round here.

Super Shark (Fred Olen Ray, 2011)

"Bikinis, bullets & big bites" is the tagline and in a rare case, it delivers the goods. Of course it would be the director of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers who would make one of the finest Syfy movies imaginable. Issues with the design of the shark and the cheapness of digital remain but every shark attack is accompanied by an appropriate one liner so it does at least attempt to maintain a moderate level of comedy. Upon having her crush get off with her best mate, a young female cries out to the night, "I don't want to live anymore!". In a cruel twist of irony, getting her wish sooner than anticipated, this is the moment our super shark decides to dive out the water and scoop this lady up for his next meal. Unlike, Syfy's other go to directors, Fred Olen Ray knows how to make the non-shark moments engaging too. We're blessed with some vague plot elements to keep us interested and there's a good ratio kept up with a flash of boobs or blood at regular 15 minute intervals. Until now, I don't think I realised how much I missed some simple detective work. It's the glue that binds this rubbish together. So expect some satire of rich dodgy oil corrupt oil companies thrown in for good measure.

Day Three: Jersey Shore Shark Attack (John Shepphird, 2012)

Ok, so this almost genius. Almost being the key word in this scenario. Considering you had the success of a trashy television show like MTVs Jersey Shore, the popular emergence of Syfy's Shark movies and the existence of Jaws being owed due to an actual Jersey Shore shark attack this movie was then inevitable from an exploitation stand point. When writing Jaws, Peter Benchley's inspiration was in fact the Jersey Shore shark attacks that occurred between July 1st and 12th back in 1916. Heat waves drove thousands to the beaches for a summer they'd never forget. This was still when we had little information on sharks but this definitely changed our public perception of them into being vicious predators that represented danger. Peaceful fishermen turned into shark hunters and gathered in packs like the end of Night of the Living Dead. This only makes a few passing references to the story but it's respectable to see filmmakers tapping in to the legends that created Jaws and expanding the original myths rather than being simple rip off.

Had this been directed by John Waters or Gregg Araki, we'd be looking at a masterpiece but it nearly captures the campy tone you're looking for. Muscular teens defend their turf and party hard with their shirts off embracing each other in this over the top closet homosexual manner. Tensing each other's muscles and pouting constantly. Their mentors are half the gangsters from The Sopranos like Tony Sirico, Joey Fatone, Paul Sorvino and Al Sapienza. Even Rabbit from the Evil Bong series makes an appearance. Not too far off being a tolerable American Pie movie that's location specific. On the shark front, the CGI effects are still to a poor standard but it does have some respectable practical gore on the reverse shots where they pull back from the bites. Halfway there.

2-Headed Shark Attack (Christopher Ray, 2012)

And we're back in the garbage dump. Despite a catchy attention grabbing title and Fred Olen Ray's son in the director's chair it never really delivers the goods. There's some promise early on with the old distraction via boob, a proven technique to get through the set up gimmickry of act 1 when you have little skills to establish story and your audience has less patience. There's a scene in this that brought great disappointment upon me. A two party boat race and a two headed shark getting in on the action from behind that, get this, doesn't eat both boats at the same time. In my book, that is unforgivable. Totally unacceptable, who let them get away this? Maybe they would say this would kill too many cast members but I would say The Burning has a massacre and that's a pretty good fucking movie. Even if you had to roll the credits straight after killing everyone off in this set piece, would that be such a bad thing? It was a shit movie anyway, you could have wasted less of my time and gone out on a real high. If anything, 2-Headed Shark Attack is a real study in the absurdity of electricity. As Kelly rightfully pointed out, this doesn't even have Pirahna's coked up Jerry O'Connell, it has his brother the lesser known Chris O'Connell. I believe that should serve to adequately explain the situation here.

Shark Week: Off the Hook (2023)

Hardly a new episode but a recap of the shows greatest hits. If you've been here since the start like me, a somewhat useless but nostalgic exercise, if you're a Shark Week rookie/virgin then there's a serious benefit to an episode dedicated to laying out the timeline of the shows history. Getting emotional writing this now but since plenty of the run time is spent on 5 time Emmy winner, the man who loves sharks, Stan Waterman, who died last week, this now makes this episode essential to celebrate his life. Taken before his time at 100 years of age, he made his last dive in 2013 aged 90. This was the man behind the Blue Water, White Death documentary that kicked this all off. Tears are coming to my eyes and talking of eyes, in his later life, he was required to wear an eye patch. When questioned about the incident, he kept the mystery going by refusing to give any answers about how it happened. All Kelly would say was, "definitely got that eating pussy".

Day Four: Shark Attack (Bob Misiorowski, 1999)

In a shocking turn of events, the film with the most simple title is the best one in a while. Misiorowski is best known for Derailed, his action flick with Jean Claude Van Damme and he directs this in the exact same way. Good news if you want a touch more plot, bad news if you came just for sharks. Casper Van Dien of Starship Troopers fame returns to his duty of fighting animals for our entertainment. Sharks aren't his only enemy in this one and so he must face fellow bug hunter from Aliens, Ernie Hudson. When these two compete head to head it is serious fun.

This could well be one of the last shark movies I can wholly support before the modern problems seep in. Shark Attack is essentially DTV style silliness with sharks. You can really feel like it's geared at a more general so called bad movie audience and it will keep them interested due to a plot that gives it momentum. The moments without sharks still have their camp value. Whereas, the shark movies today are all centred around the set pieces, which are dreadful anyway so there's very little to hang on to and stick around. '50s creature features didn't have great effects either but they achieve a real surreal quality. They were highly imaginative with utter devotion to craft. Now, they're just hammered out in seconds on a laptop with no thought put in to them. How many have genuinely absurd images? Other than the now classic megashark taking down that plane in Megashark Vs Giant Octopus, not too many at all considering they're highly obvious in their intent. Who said you should never set out to make a cult classic? Also, why do they no longer aim at general trash admirers? They're so isolated when only meme lovers are targeted. Some of us are craving the old Shark Attack model with crafty B movie directors in charge who know to work to the television slots.

Shark Attack 2 (David Worth, 2001)

Generally considered to be the stronger follow up. David Worth is a much better director technically speaking. Only Kelly would prefer the first one but for everyone else, this is a tighter story, the shark attacks are better done and there's less distractions. Although, Kelly did make a good point when he said to me, "Casper Van Dien and Ernie Hudson squaring off is like the ultimate battle of the bug hunters". Another Shark Babes incident, when he's too hooked on the spy and detective elements. All well and good but aren't we here for a shark movie? Shark Attack 2 offers one of the greatest parodies of your Bear Grylls/Steve Irwin nutcases with Roy Bishop. Being an American, I'm not too good with accents. I asked Kelly if he was meant to be British or Australian and he just said, "his accent was slipping like Bambi". A google search informs me the actor is British so I can only assume he's just not very good at putting the Australian accent on. Considering this guy was more of a phony than Gildroy Lockhart, it only added to the character. A performance for lovers of so called bad movies to cherish. Leaving this on a bad note, Kelly says his cards been rejected for the Discovery Channel subscription and so there will be no more Shark Week episodes on the programme for the remainder of the week. This put a serious downer on my evening. Maybe I will have to actually talk to the wife.

Day Five: Sharknado (Anthony C. Ferrante, 2018)

This morning was not a good morning. I woke up in cold sweats after laying eyes on the Shark Week programme and seeing I had to rewatch Sharknado. No way Jose, I'd seen that 10 years ago and been so irked by it, I quit reviewing entirely. How dare Kelly put me up against the monster that killed my career once more. My wife had barely even opened her eyes and I was repeatedly screaming, "Roberta, I don't think I can do this today". She threw the sheets off the bed and yelled back, "look, Sterling, if you're that set against doing this, I'm sure if you asked Kelly nicely he'd let you skip this one". Kelly would not let me skip this one. He's torturing me, I swear. The average man was not meant to see Jersey Shore Shark Attack, 2Headed Shark Attack, Sharktopus and Malibu Shark Attack within such a short space of time. It's bad for the health. Why is he making me do this? There's no recovery time with this young man. I'm an old man, I can't stay this sharp. However, as Kelly had been grateful and rather kind enough to give me this gig then I thought it best to persevere. I'm sure there's method to the madness and his reasons will reveal themselves. Eventually.

Out of professional courtesy, Kelly allowed me to watch The Last Drive In version. If there's one man who could get me to support Sharknado and be down with the kids its Mr Joe Bob Briggs. Even he couldn't convince me. As much as I respect Darcy, this is the kind of modern rubbish she would be showing every week if she was to take over from the master. In the mad maze of Syfy movies, this was the one to blow up and become the new model for creature features and trash filmmaking. Syfy had these movies airing on a nearly weekly basis and for some reason this was the one that caught the internet's eye. For the love of God, I couldn't tell you why they picked this one, there's absolutely nothing interesting about it to warrant the cultural impact it had. It doesn't reveal anything about our society. There's nothing to be gained from it. That's the biggest shame. You'll see it compared to Ed Wood and Tommy Wiseau but in going towards trash, I don't think it reveals anything interesting about its director. His subconscious doesn't bleed on to the canvas. You probably don't even know who Anthony C. Ferrante is and there's a reason for that because there's absolutely nothing that separates him from those other Syfy Channel hacks. Apparently, the main star only took the job to afford health care, so out of the few things to talk about with this movie, that could be the most important, it is like Saw 6, a shocking indictment of America's health care system that a man must lower himself to making Sharknado just to receive basic medical support.

It seems odd to turn on my own kind here or to even declare what good trash is, when being a fan of these movies has always been an anti-elitist stance but there's very little that I can say amuses me about Sharknado. About the only defence Sharknado has is that the digital effects on creature features are a new direction and this is the film that represents that shift in technology. There may even be some age bias involved here and an unwillingness to accept the change but let's say we have to support fresh updates in the genre, is this the best example for it? Can we not just champion when the digital effects have been well used in other similar films that aren't as soulless and shit? The Japanese, as usual, are well ahead of us in this department on the monster movie. So next time you think about sitting down to watch this humourless crap and then forming a whole boring personality around it of haha I love bad movies, why not just watch another digital age silly monster movie like Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All Out Attack? That came out 10 years before Sharknado too. Suck on that, Syfy.

Day Six: Jackass Shark Week 2.0 (Jeff Tremaine, 2022)

After the extreme depression that hit with watching Sharknado for the second time in my life, I said to Kelly, "I can't take this anymore. I think if you were wanting to have someone review the modern shark movies it shouldn't have been me. I'm out my depth". Unexpectedly, he cleared the schedule and gave me the rest of the afternoon off. He said he was happy with the review I'd done for Sharknado and tomorrow he would have something lovely lined up. Jackass Shark Week 2.0 was exactly that. This had to be viewed via a YouTube link as he still hadn't paid his Discovery Channel subscription fees. I'm not sure what you make of the Jackass gang, I know some find them obnoxious and repulsive but ever since my son first showed me these guys, I just thought, "they found a way to bring back Buster Keaton for the nihilistic nineties". Who couldn't be grateful for that?

Now on their second trip to the seas, the chemistry between them all is stronger than ever. As an audience, we were still getting used to the new members on their first outing but by now we've had Jackass Forever and we understand the dynamics between them. Dark Shark with a name like that was made for Shark Week. They make him sit on a glass sheet with sharks swimming visibly below. As this is meant to be educational, his objective is to test how sharks respond to electrical currents in the water by pressing on a button. They have these electroreceptors that can detect electric fields. Dark Shark is going to observe how much draws them in and how much repels them. Here comes the typical twist from those mischievous Jackass boys, Wee Man holds a second button, which is going to send electric shocks to Dark Shark too. Let the fun commence. Original members like Chris Pontius shine in their lack of fear towards the sea's creatures. Most of the cast have to build up their courage using cages. Leaves you to wonder how many extreme sports and dangerous hobbies do the Jackass originals excel in? Skateboarding, surfing and now sharks too. Pontius has to entice sharks in with a baited sword and win a tug of war. His safety assistant saying, "they're now in full predator mode and they associate you with the food", is a line almost too good to be able to write.

By the end, the brave newbie Poopies has to go back in to water and conquer his fears. For those not up to speed, in the previous episode they did for Discovery Channel, he did a stunt where he had to jump over a school of sharks but in a terrifying moment failed the landing and was bitten by a confused Caribbean reef shark. This incident left his hand mangled and he developed a phobia of the water, which was always like a second home for him. He sets out to prove both to himself and us that shark attacks are rare and usually occur by mistake or when goaded. Our heroic Poopies gets in close and personal with no cage at the end, emerges victorious, recognises his prior foolish mistakes and makes his peace with all sharks. The deeper plan is beginning to be revealed. Starting to see the method in the madness now and why Kelly forced me in to watching Sharknado and all those other modern terrible shark movies. He's like Jigsaw, he just wants to help, albeit in the most difficult manner possible. You want to make an omelette, you gotta break some eggs. Change isn't easy but sometimes the results are worth it. Did I have to be pushed to breaking point? Probably not but I no longer fear writing and would like to return to reviewing. My demons have been faced and in the words of Elton John, I'm Still Standing. He's not the evil torturing sadist I thought he was, he's a maverick and he's welcome in my home any time. The Jackass gang sign out by doing an underwater disco party set to Leo Delibes Lakme opera. Knowing how to dress up a stunt, this is what has always elevated them above other obnoxious outfits, they have such an undeniable cinematic appeal and awareness. Jackass is indeed forever.

Day Seven: Jaws (Steven Spielberg, 1975)

There is a time in cinema before Jaws and a time after Jaws. Before it was released, summer was considered graveyard season. Spielberg's man eater put a stop to that and now this release period is a gold mine for blockbusters. Until Star Wars a few years later, it was the highest grossing film of all time, scaring an entire generation of people from going in to the water and forever tainting the name of the great white. Modelled after the documentary Blue Water White Death and capitalising on our limited knowledge of sharks, it managed to create a cultural revolution that shark lovers have been trying to correct ever since. Both Spielberg and writer Benchley have stated they would never make Jaws now knowing what they know about the animal and the way they presented it on screen. Shark deaths have risen astronomically since the film, about the only negative thing you could have to say about any of it.

Regardless, the film launched Steven Spielberg's career and he followed up with hit after hit during the late 70s and 80s. By this point, he'd mainly worked on TV movies and low budget affairs, although Duel is considered potentially the peak of TV movies and The Sugarland Express is not so bad either as a Bonnie and Clyde rip off. His inspiration for Jaws was (if you couldn't tell) Hitchcock and with that John Williams creepy score, it's hard to think of anything other than Psycho.

Originally, the shoot was not an easy one, Spielberg did not get all the shots he wanted with the mechanical shark and so it rarely features in the movie. This is actually what makes it better than your typical monster movie because its mostly P.O.V shots with the score suggesting a presence. What is it we always say about the imagination being a way scarier place? Wasn't that why Blair Witch was so successful? If Jaws had the classic suspense of Psycho, the sequels have the later cheaper thrills of the slasher cycle such as an adultless world of teens ready for the slaughter and the predator/prey relationships even verging on the metaphysical in the despised Jaws 4: The Revenge, forever known as the time it got personal.

In fact, Jaws was so good that it nearly killed the careers of independent kings like Roger Corman and his company New World Pictures. He was hurt nearly as bad as the great white itself. Corman's advantage was always that he would touch material that the studios considered below them. Quality wasn't an issue because no-one else was offering it. However, when Universal stepped in with more money, better effects and a director of exceptional talent to make these typically considered B pictures, Corman's place in the industry was nearly lost and his output redundant as it could now be considered inferior. Despite this, Corman has always respected how good Jaws is but his close friend and ally Jack Nicholson has always held a grudge and utterly despises it. The pair need not worry, the independents will always keep their place, for it is in attitude the studios cannot match. With big money comes big responsibility in the public eye, therefore the studios will always play it too safe and this is where the independents step in, being less concerned with having a reputation to keep. Most of the time, it actually works in the independents favour to have a dirtier reputation, this is where they can pick up the business and cover ground the studio can't. There is also the argument that the studios are soulless with money to spare and the real magic comes from those without the resources pulling off incredible feats.

Fidel Castro and Slavoj Zizek have both referred to Jaws as a Marxist piece. After all, it is about a government more interested in profits than the safety of its people with the closing of the beaches being a central issue discussed. British film critic Mark Kermode has an essay on the classic, famously opening with, "First things first, Jaws is not about a shark". According to Kermode, Jaws bypasses the simple primitive fears of being eaten alive into being a morality tale about extramarital sex, masculinity in crisis and post-Watergate paranoia. The cheating coming from the decision to allow a character to live in the film that dies in the book after having an affair. The masculinity depicted through all these macho men trying to satisfy women by aggressively shark hunting and there's definitely a battle of class and masculinity on the Orca between the three men. Hooper being a rich play boy softy and Quint being a poorer physically stronger man. Brody serving as the middle class or referee.

Moreover, Jaws becomes America's answer to Godzilla in creating a monster to address national trauma and fears. It is our response to the Watergate scandal and you can see this through the questioning of authority with the way in which it presents that battle between community and government over profits and protection. This strong subtext deep within mixed with the well-handled primal scares makes it easy to position as the best creature feature of all time and therefore a favourite of mine. The ultimate goal of any creature feature should be to deliver the basic suspense and if possible write in an allegory that substitutes for a countries darkest of times. If done properly it can be the most therapeutic and enjoyable means of tackling the woes.

All of this information is now public knowledge and somehow barely even covers what this film means to me. Only the last paragraph even begins to touch on it. On rewatches, two things become clear. When, Alex's mum arrives in all black on the pier and Brody's look changes from excitement to being gobsmacked is a rare scene in cinema where you can feel the death and disappointment in the air. Roy Scheider's look on his face perfectly captures the mood. No attempt to detract the blame, when he could look for excuses. Only silence. Never does one witness so much humility and defeat in a man to give in to total subservience. Later in the movie, the mood changes to one of outright adventure unexpectedly as the trio sail off in to the distance. There's that long shot through the shark's teeth of the Orca drifting away in to the sea. By having the teeth in the shot too, it almost gives the impression of a shot disconnected from time. As though the mission is already accomplished, their victory already sealed and this is the kind of generational story of success passed down from father to son over and over.

Jaws is now over 47 years old and somehow in that time has transcended beyond being a mere movie. It is so familiar that every time you watch it is like catching up with old friends. A hangout movie emerges amongst the tension making it timeless. My favourite scene being the last night Brody, Quint and Hooper spend on the Orca. Dialogue for this was re-written over a drunken night shared between them and that's why it feels exactly as it should. Women be warned, this is what a boys night looks like. Drinking cans, singing old songs, showing off scars and revealing our deep seated trauma. That's a good evening with the guys alright. Somehow, Quint's retelling of being on the USS Indianapolis sends more shivers down the spine on every occasion. It's more chilling than having to hear a looped video of the fingers scratching down the chalkboard for 10 hours straight. When the scars come out only adds to that parody of masculinity with each men trying to outdo the other in a Good, The Bad and The Ugly style duel. There is no explaining or avoiding the fact this is how men bond with each other. It's an underwritten aspect of Jaws actually with how it treats male friendship and comradery. All in a manner which is way more powerful than your standard movie. No scene will ever match when they all start drunkenly singing Show me the Way to Go Home in unison. That's just life right there and as good as it gets.

Well, that wraps up the most intense shark week I can recall in a long time. True to form though, a week of pleasure, pain and discovery. Wouldn't have it any other way and what a way to close it with the king of all shark movies. These are the first words I've written about movies in 10 years and in the words of John Wick, "I'm thinking I'm back". Kelly put me in the water with the shark that killed my career, pushed me to the edge of my sanity and against all odds the fear has subsided. My family will be forever grateful. Fuck it, I'm considering calling up the local newspaper and asking for my old job back. Thank you for giving this old dog a second chance. Please have me back next year, Kelly. For everyone else I hope you enjoyed the show and this old timer established that he was still capable in the face of all the changes in the industry. Goodbye and good night. All together now, show me the way to go. I'm tired and I wanna go to bed. I had a little drink about an hour ago. And it's gone straight to my head! Wherever I may roam on land or sea or foam. You can always hear me singing a song. Show me the way to go home!