Cooking and Fucking

Lasse Braun was an Italian born in France, making him the ultimate horny doggy. I watched one of his films a while back titled Body Love, a little banger with orgies scored by headmaster of Berlin School, Klaus Schulze. One could consider it proto-Gaspar Noe with the soundscapes being somewhere between Climax and Enter the Void. Lasse's own son is now a famous porn director in his own right, going by the name Axel Braun. You may know him from all his parodies from Batman to She-Hulk. Don't worry he's got all your favourite tight bearing cape crusaders covered. If the hell that is Hollywood gave us an abundance of superhero flicks, then what abomination gave us those superhero porn parodies? Is it an insane reaction to an insane world or the sane reaction to an insane world? Who can say?

Did he have any Lasse Braun then? From Tropical to VIP. Lance was armed with his entire filmography in his basement. From '69 to '75. Every big series Braun did until he hung up his boots bringing a tear to every porn fans eye. You couldn't even find some of these titles online. Any real film lovers fear is the stamp declaring the art which they seek to be "lost". Truth is these films aren't lost, there's just people like Lance jacking off 'til the end of days without a single thought for the rest of us. We've been doomed ever since they shut the porn houses down and sent everyone underground, losing their minds in bunkers and wanking themselves in to oblivion. Come the end of days, when your city lies in dust, a new civilisation will form and thousands of years later, they'll dig up the plastercast body of Lance Wormstrong and he'll be immortalised in the act of lone rangering like the masturbating man of Pompeii.

Naturally, Depraved, Bondage, Perversion and Shocking caught my attention but I went through all of his seminal works for strictly educational purposes. In particular, there were 2 titles that stood out. The Maniac (from the Depraved series) and Cake Orgy (from the Shocking series). These were most definitely stuff to write home about.

2 Classics of the underworld of hardcore pornography viewed live from Lance Wormstrong's basement. We'll start with The Maniac. Not to be confused with Bill Lustig's grimy mannequin freak out. This is easily Braun's 15 minute loop masterpiece and should be sought out immediately if you have not seen it. Those accustomed to the digital age looking for it online, there's 2 copies out there doing the rounds. One's a really bad copy where you can't see anything and the others a really bad copy where everything looks brown. You want the one where everything looks brown.

We open ominously with a high priced vehicle being driven through the quiet streets. Inside this car is a rich masochist who must keep his appointment with 2 stunning sadists, a couple of mean brunettes. Upon arrival, mere seconds after the chauffer opens his door, he is greeted by a series of spitting. The kind that had been well prepared beforehand. Brewing in the throat and mixing with nearby phlegm ready to be hurled out at our wealthy guest. They unload on him before he can do it to them. These girls know how this story usually ends and they're reversing it from the start piece by piece, load by load.

Next, the affluent gentlemen is forced to strip to the skin, exposing his bare body. He is made to masturbate before them. Whilst he's left to his own devices for a moment, the girls decide now is the time for a change of clothes. Out comes the latex suits. In a wellrehearsed routine, they slip in to their torture costumes. They've done this before. Their outfits only make them meaner. Down goes the money man as they ride him round the room like a donkey. Decency disregarded. Degraded to the point of no return. Watch him writhe. Watch him scream. The girls are in control now. They slice open their outfits, exposing nipples and anuses to suck. More he demands. More. More. More. He gets more than he bargained for when one of them urinates straight in to his mouth taking us right in to piss play. But he loves it. How he loves it.

And what is his chauffer doing through all of this? Innocently standing in the corner waiting to take his client home? There's only so long a man can take watching events such as this before he says enough is enough and can no longer be a passive spectator. He wants to involve himself. One of the females happily obliges him, dragging him in to the scene as they go straight to anal. The chauffer is treated with a little more respect as he is allowed to gracefully ejaculate all over his female companion. The wealthy man is not given the same treatment, he has to finish himself off. The end. I clap like the plane has landed. It's cinema. It's breathtaking cinema and it needs to be seen on the big screen in front of the largest audience possible. Dudu-dddu-ddu-dddddd. Pearl and Dean.

By the way, if you've never come across an 8mm porn loop, I'd recommend you treat them like silent films. They're similar in that they don't usually have synchronised sounds but they're not completely silent. They occasionally come with a soundtrack and little sound effects but fuck all that you don't need it. It's artificial anyway and usually sounds crap. What you want to do is mute the fucker and play your own music. Personally, I find Electric Wizard tends to work best. When she was doing the rodeo on the rich man's back to the Wizard was an absolute treat. Anything lo-fi and horrible does the job but you may be different. Couple of sleazy synths here and there may also do the trick.

After an 8 minute standing ovation, I turn my attention to Cake Orgy. Described as "pornography in a new style by Lasse Braun". Perhaps in every sense of the word, this is pornographic. This time there's more than just genitals as pieces of cake cover the bodies becoming indistinguishable. They are placed in little crevasses, slid along thighs and every last crumb is eaten putting a new spin on intercoursing. Cake meets flesh. Flesh meets cake. They become one in an act of utter grotesquery. It could well be a John Waters movie. There isn't much to this one but it sure is a likably horrifying and filthy feast for the eyes.

It takes me back to my own ventures in to risqué food play. Let me take you to 2017 or maybe even 2016. It's second year of university. Me and this girl hook up, for anonymity purposes let's call her, "Sandra Lee Fern". Sorry, that was just the first name that came to mind that sounded exotic and exciting. After a night of drinking, we get back to mine and go straight at it. Now, the place I had back then wasn't very big at all. It was sold as a studio, putting me off the entire concept of studios for years. This was no studio. We're talking storage cupboard at best. Harry Potter had more fucking space than me. That didn't stop me having gaffs and cramming over 30 people in to that tight space at one time. I will not be defeated by space. I refuse. I dubbed that place Souvlaki Space Station. I'm not sure if this was an ironic gesture because of the lack of space or to do with the shoegazey mood lights. Maybe both.

Anyway, back to the story. I'm going at it, Black Little No.1 by Type O Negative is in full swing on the nearby TV, I've got my groove on and every time I'm thrusting my hips are hitting knob. How's that possible, you ask? I am not referring to my Rodney. I'm referring to the kitchen oven. Yes that's how tight things were back then. There was a thin slither between bed and kitchen appliances. Suddenly, I get this great idea. Why don't I put some garlic bread in the oven? If perfectly timed, this could be ready for when I've unloaded and put my Smith and Wesson back in its holster. Get that fookin' cooker on, Kelly! Careful not to draw attention to myself, I slowly slide open the freezer, unpackage the garlic bread and wack it in the oven. So far so good, Sandra Lee Fern is none the wiser.

For the next 20 minutes, I have to play Gordon Ramsey and Johnny Wadd but here's the catch: i have to play them at the same time. A tough balancing act. Not even Edward Norton could do this. This is acting of the highest calibre. True funny business. Quick checks on the burning bread whilst keeping this vagina under close watch on its path to planet satisfaction. Putting a bun in one oven and hoping to God I don't put a bun in the other oven.

A delicate operation. The type they only give to Ethan Hunt, should he choose to accept it. The smell of the garlic hits my nostrils. It's almost ready. How am I going to explain to miss Fern how a garlic bread just happened to make itself and appear cooked straight after fucking? We'll get to that when we get to that. Oh no, she almost spotted me peering at the garlic. I flip her over and re-enter from behind. Perfect, now I can continue cooking and fucking. This is how the pros be doing it.

I grow sloppy and carless in my work, lost in the bread, she turns her head over and catches me hand on the handle, peeping at the garlic. She stops all sexual activity and shouts, "Jacob are you making garlic bread while we're fucking?". Jesus, she got me feeling like that blue cunt in Watchmen. Can't a man multi-task in the sack no more? She caught me red handed. I was cooking and fucking. I solemnly swear that I was up to no good. What could I say? There's no point denying the situation. She got me fair and square. Only Shaggy could deny this one. How ever much I wanted to be, I was not Mr Boombastic Unsure as what to say to alleviate the situation, I simply say, "Want a slice?". Struggling to stay angry at her certified chef and pussy pleaser, she throws out a, "why not?". I grab two slices off the tray and resume squat thrusts in the cucumber patch.

The Maniac

Director: Lasse Braun

Starring: 2 sexy sadists, 1 rich aristocrat and Alfred Pennyworth

Country: Unknown, possibly US or Denmark

Run Time: 11 Mins

Plot synopsis: A rich aristocrat has a meeting with a couple of sexy sadists. When lines become crossed, can his chauffer intervene and put a stop to this madness?

Cake Orgy

Director: Lasse Braun

Starring: Claudine Beccarie, Sylvia Bourdon and Bent Rohweder

Country: Filmed on the Dutch island of Terschelling

Run Time: 7 Mins

Plot Synopsis: 3 female and 2 male food and sex enthusiasts meet up on the sand dunes of Terschelling beach. United by their love of cakes and orgies, they engage in both at the same time and a 5some commences

The Maniac Bonus Points:

-Those girls going to town on the rich masochist

-Bringing out the latex

-Riding the rich guy round the room

-The chauffer getting in on the action

-Leaving the masochist to finish himself off

Overall Score: 4/5

Cake Orgy Bonus Points:

-The idyllic location on the sand dunes

-One for the 'foodies'

-Being a John Waters style gross out

Overall Score: 4/5