What has Happened to All Tomorrow's Parties?: Withdrawal, Boredom and Over Compensation in the Age of Domestication

Want to start this by saying I have come up with a name for the kind of gonzo style writing I've tried to develop over the years. It needs a name. Just has to. So here it is. I have decided it is called Psycho-Schradism. Think of it like Psychobilly, you know what the cramps were doing back in the 80s fucking with the old rockabilly. Anyway PsychoSchradism. What does it mean? Who gives a fuck what it means. Just sounds funny doesn't it. So say it back to yourself a few times. Mock it. Deface it. Dig it through the mud. The dirtier it gets the better but I will not rest til this stupid term is in the grand lexicon and public consciousness. And feel free to refer to yourself as a Psycho-Schradist if you subscribe to this particular brand of nonsense and utter garbage that seems to find its way on to the page.

Right so for this weeks movie from the streaming services. Tried to get hold of Bonehead Bill to see if he wanted to have a few beers and get a movie on round mine. There was no getting this man to sit down for five minutes this week. Only had the odd sporadic message off him. Generally he's a hard man to get a hold of but this was even worse than his usual response time. You see Boneheads been on a bender ever since he heard the news of the queen's passing. That's actually the reason I knew she'd called it a day. Did check a few times on BBC news for an update on our majesty's health on the day in question. However, it wasn't until I got a message off Bonehead just saying, "Kelly, you got any coke numbers?" that I knew it was official, the old bird had stacked it.

Obviously that message was on Thursday night. On the Friday, I messaged him about coming round for a movie and didn't hear anything back from him. I woke up on Saturday morning to a video of him doing a line bigger than the stupidly long one snorted in the crazy opening five minutes of Takashii Mike's Dead or Alive. At the start of Boneheads video, before he puts his nose to work, he looks in to the camera and goes "The era of King Charles hath begun!". To get an impression of just how big it was, in the video he does it across no less than 6LPs of The Smiths The Queen is dead. So take that in for size. I was torn between calling the Guinness World Book of Records or an ambulance. Instead, I just went with reacting to his video with the laughing emoji.

Woke up to another similar eerie video on Sunday morning, which ruined any notion of resting on the good lord's day. Except this time he was in a boozer singing IRA songs with a bunch of people. Some God awful rendition of Celtic Symphony from someone who was not much of a singer to begin with. Came captioned with "Curtains for you Elizabeth, my dear!". I didn't even think they had boozers open that late on a Sunday. He says it's a secret Irish boozer. The type where you go down into a basement and its pitch black. Time doesn't matter when you're down there. They don't operate by the same rules as the rest of the country. They also wanted him to sign up for something or other. From what he described it seemed like he'd become a guest in some kind of exclusive lock in. A lock in with a cult or even potentially a few IRA members. It didn't seem to make much sense but it did seem like he was enjoying himself.

When he was still partying on with these guys in to Monday evening and mentioned that they had embraced him as one of their own and wanted to take him back to their home village called "Lettershandoney", I started to get a little worried for the fella. Belled him up to make sure he was alright and was just like, "Lettershandwhat?".

"Lettershandoney!" he kept shouting back at me like I was supposed to know this tiny Irish village that he definitely didn't know existed til 10 minutes ago. I was like Christ doesn't this fella have work to go to? Dropped in another message saying "go home Bonehead, go home!". Reminded him he had a job somewhere to keep (I have no idea as to Bonehead Bills place of employment). A good few hours later, I got a message back saying not to worry he'd gotten the time off work. "What the fuck how?" , I asked. He then proceeds to send me a screenshot of a message he'd sent to his boss. I'll share it here:

Couldn't tell you if "Barry" has taken this long winded excuse for an absence seriously or not but he has just replied with a single line, "Ok fine. Make sure you bring in a doctor's note". Not seen a screenshot for this one so we'll just have to take Bonehead's words for it. Wouldn't surprise me though if all they were arsed about was the formalities.

For the last week I have received a flurry of messages from Bonehead Bill keeping me up to date on his spontaneous Ireland getaway. He informs me that the Irish guys have really taken him in as one of their own and shown him around.

According to Bonehead Bill, Lettershandoney is a lovely little village with a population of about 500 people. Situated about 6 miles from Derry. His new friends inform him there is something of an unemployment problem out there but they are single-handedly working on fixing this issue. He tells me they're really nice people that he's staying with even though one of them's brother is currently serving some time in a correctional institution for trying to blow up a police officer.

In fact, Bonehead Bill claims these Irish gentlemen rather took a shine to him because when asked his thoughts on incendiary devices, he replied that he'd "been blowing things up in the woods behind his school since before Beavis and Butthead made it cool". I believe that this, Bill's contempt for authority and his anti-royalist agenda made him strike up a perfect friendship with these people. He remains over there currently as of writing this. He's even formed a close bond with one of them's sister, whom he describes as a "corker of an Irish lass" named "Shauna" and thinks he could find a new life over there. Even went as far as to say he was thinking he could see himself going back and forth for the next few years and maybe marriage could be on the cards. I told him that's wonderful news but how does he plan on getting back? He does not know.

Since Bonehead clearly had his hands full I decided it was time to crack on and check out Who Invited Them. Another movie in a genre I like to refer to as Dinner Table. This splits off in to two sub genres Dinner Table Sci Fi and Dinner Table Horror, this film belongs to the latter. In order to qualify for this genre, there usually has to be a strong focus on the disturbance of the bourgeois household. Set pieces do as the name suggests tend to be centred around the dinner table as family members deal with outside forces. They are a kind of home Invasion thriller but instead more mainstream and designed specifically at couples to sit around and ponder their own fears from the comfort of their own home as they sip wine.

Invitations and unexpected guests tend to be common place as threats begin to emerge. Recent hits in the genre over the last few years have been Coherence, Game Night, Cheap Thrills, The Gift and The Invitation. They're an easy shot at some real return because you don't need too much money to make them just a living room and a decent script.

In this game the one to measure against remains Pasolini's Theorem. Obviously, that's a much artier effort and so what you're essentially is trying to tone it down and give it some commercial appeal whilst not losing the essence of that kind of movie. Although, at first many of these newer takes could be dismissed as silly trashy entertainment aimed at Caucasian couples, beneath their surface lurks an interesting form of terror. At its best this genre can reveal what the solid and supposedly unbreakable household fears most at any one time whether it be foreign influence, infidelity or homosexuality.

The outside guest breaks up the melancholy of the home exposing their inner most secrets and desires. What's most interesting about them is that a lot of the time, they literally cannot expel their guest for fear of further danger. Yes, the removal strategy becomes even more risky. Therefore, the home owners get in to this predicament in which they have to keep their guest for a longer duration. For example, in Death Game (which was recently remade by Eli Roth and titled Knock Knock), a married man let's two women in to his home, sleeps with them and then has to extend their stay as they threaten to tell his wife. Intriguingly, the character in that film never sees his actions as wrong but only reacts with hostility when it then threatens his stable life.

Usually, I like watching these kinds of films with a member of the opposite sex as they play better when there's two of you. These films often split up members of the household so you really want to be seeing someone else's reaction and how they respond to it, which is all part of the fun. Hence why I invited over Long Tall Sally. Long Tall Sally is a rare thing in my world. A truly platonic relationship. Trust me, you need at least one of these in your life at any one point in time. Problem is I'm a horny man and these things don't last long but me and Long Tall Sally have been doing a pretty good job all these years. So she ended up getting a call in Bonehead's absence.

Who Invited Them opens with a couple moving in to a new neighbourhood. The pair host a house warming party and get everyone round. Had to give it to Ryan Hansen, husband of the house. The dude establishes himself as a prick from the outset. Even the other guests comment on it and in just a few lines you know exactly the piece of shit you're dealing with. Low key loved him. He was going round the gaff berating his guests saying "don't touch the records!" and then goes on to make some speech where he genuinely says, "#NewCrib". Oh god what a loser. That kind of idiot with illusions of climbing the social ladder. Who'd forgotten his entire past for upper middle class integration. Bless him.

Before the party, he's getting over excited at the prospect of now having two sinks in the bathroom. His wife's unsure about the move to a richer neighbourhood and he's like "BABE TWO SINKS". Hes under the impression he's made it bless him. Think it was safe to say I loved this man from the outset. So dumb, he was constantly providing the entertainment. Long Tall Sally was saying she thought he was a dick and hated him already. Had to rush to my man's defence and be like, "na na this is a king".

Following the party, everyone leaves and the home owners are sat on the sofa discussing how the party was a great success. Both of them are baffled by a couple neither of them invited. Those who like their film titles said in the film will enjoy this moment. Before they can work out who these gatecrashers were, a noise is heard in the bathroom. Who comes out the door? The uninvited couple. Who are they? They dress in all black. They're young. The female is Hot with a capital H. The dude looks like the late Anton Yelchin and is dressed in a turtle neck with a blazer. What's most striking is they don't lack for confidence. Despite the awkwardness, these young gatecrashers handle themselves rather well. They explain that they're actually the neighbours who came over as one of the party goers crashed in to their car but got sidetracked by their own curiosity.

Instantly, my man the husband of the house is giving it the don't worry about it, we've all gatecrashed a party before. His wife responds by saying, "when have you literally ever gatecrashed a party?". Long Tall Sally had a good chuckle at that one. The husband quickly comes back in with oh "Before we were together of course!". Hahaha he's such a loser, you gotta love him! You do.

Had to say to LTS, "Come on now, if my guy says he's a serial gatecrasher, he's a serial gatecrasher". I'm backing my horse all the way, he can do no wrong. Forgetting the awkward first encounter, the foursome now decide to restart over and have some drinks. Now the party really begins! These parts got me so excited. Had that magic of the mystery involved in partying with strangers. A world of possibilities, all you have to say is let's do this, let's see where this goes. The good old days! The newly moved are a couple in their thirties or so and they're really taken by their new "neighbours" youthful energy. It's a chance for them to return to their past lives and they take it without hesitation. These two are entering a new stage in their lives with a new home, 6 year old kid, dad on the ladder, mother switching from dreams of being a musician to housewife. Clearly, they may not be ready to make the switch so soon.

The party goes on and the husband turns the music down saying, "we don't want to wake up the neighbours". Anton Yelchin clone just goes, "we are the neighbours!" and turns it back up. LTS and I poured each other another glass of wine and cheers'd to that one. The show goes on! Finally, after a bit of dancing and unsolicited eye fucking from the husband (LTS wouldn't stop saying "ew gross" over and over), the foursome split off. Yep, it's guy talk and girl talk. I could have watched a whole 90 minutes of this satire before the "threat" came in. Anton Yelchin clone claims to be a wealthy man so of course husband brings out the brown nosing. I could watch those two back and forth for ages. Was killing me. Obviously, husband sees the opportunity for "networking" and what finished me was Anton Yelchin clone being like "that talks for the golf course!". Goes on to propose that the husband of the house become his new golf partner and work on his swing. Aw look at these two new best friends. Reminded me of Peep Show when Mark meets his dates father and just suddenly starts talking shop hahaha.

We move away from business and in to real guy talk. Anton Yelchin clone discussing the local "husband tax" finished me. He adds that he would like the husband of the house to fuck his wife and that he would watch. Husband can't even hide his excitement at the idea.

Throughout the whole interaction I was in hysterics, whereas LTS just said "I hate them both". She demanded, "show me the girls!". LTS got her wish. The girls are discussing former flames and the given up career of being a musician. This becomes equally naughty as the wife calls up an ex-boyfriend band member for a reunion. All is not well in this home. "Dirty cheat!" I yelled. LTS had to remind me of the previous interaction between the two men. "Na na, that's just guy talk. That doesn't count as serious. Just dudes being dudes". She shook her head and I could only snigger. Rattled.

Later the "neighbour" wife explains what the couple were doing in the toilets. Not sex but coke. Both the girls are in agreeance nodding at each other quickly saying "gross gross". The wife of the house then says, "I dabbled a bit back in college but gross gross. Actually do you have any more?". Hahahaha nailed on that one. Had me wondering what our good friend Bonehead Bill was up at that exact moment. Probably burning through more grams than he could pay for and having the time of his life.

I had to give it to Who Invited

Them, it was an ode to all yesterday's parties. It gave me a much needed youthful kick. A reminder of a time when you were allowed to get away with a few things. How to deal with all that in the next stage of your life. Begged the question are you ready to move on from it and put it in its place? Was this a good couple? Would their relationship survive this step? Also who are these mysterious guests exposing their insecurities and threatening to divide them? Can't be ruining those. Wack the movie on, find out for yourself.

After it finished, it left me a little depressed as though coming off a kind of high. Those were the days when anything could happen. Can't even remember the last time I gatecrashed a party. They were the best cause there was no saying where those nights would go. These days Jacob Kelly is unfortunately something of a domesticated beast. Those days are kind of gone. But now the drinks go down even quicker and the small feeling of satisfaction lasts even less. Somewhere along the line you wonder when did all the doors close and when did we grow so cold? We know where the late nights go and what is there left to gain? So we hit the hay to spare the next day's hangover. Pro plus and the black coffee powder replaces the white powder. We grow wise but at the expense of something deep within. What has happened to that mystery which the night do behold? Where have all tomorrows parties gone? Fuck sake maybe I should have just gone Lettershandoney with Bonehead Bill.

Bonus Points:

-Husband of the house being a total dick and getting really excited when his little curated playlist with DJ Shadow remixes get complimented

-The suave Anton Yelchin clone in the turtle neck being a voyeur and discussing golf

-The wife giving up her cocaine sabbatical punching her husband cause he's a little shit and her tolerance runs out

-A pleasant youthful party energy, critique of the corporate ladder and guide for new couples to handling domestication in parenthood

Overall Score: 3.5/5