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ISSUE 148, MAY 2016

community news, issues, arts, people, events


directory The following advertisers support us and our community by making this publication possible. They deserve our support and gratitude. APPAREL

Proud to be a Westie t-shirts............................23

AUTOMOTIVE

Ken Turner Automotive and Auto Electrical.......5

BUILDING & PROPERTY MAINTENANCE

Ray Percival & Son, painters and decorators......2 Titirangi Fine Homes.........................................14 Turners Drainage and Contracting....................11 Walker Adolph Homes........................................9 Watkins Plumbing Services Ltd...........................2

BUSINESS, FINANCE, INSURANCE

Count it up and Do the taxes............................23 Itera, PC Repair.................................................23

COMMUNITY

Arataki Visitor Centre.......................................12 Forest & Bird, bequests....................................23 New Zealand Bird Rescue Charitable Trust.......22 Upstairs Art Gallery..........................................13 Waitemata Plunket car seats............................19

EDUCATION & CHILDCARE

Kip McGrath Education Centres.......................10 Korean Self-defence, martial arts.....................23 Pathway Studio and Gallery art classes............23

FOOD & WINE

GARDENS & LANDSCAPE

Arbor Vista, tree specialists................................5 Gordons Nurseries..............................................2 Oratia Native Plant Nursery................................2 Stihl Shop Glen Eden........................................18 Tree Culture......................................................22

HAIR & BEAUTY

BrigitteB, endermologie...................................17 Tonic, skin, body and spa..................................16

HEALTH & WELLNESS

Anne Maree Gardens, Rest Home & Hospital....6 Auckland Heart Group........................................9 Auckland Orthodontics.....................................12 Dental Care West..............................................21 HealthPost........................................................17 Hunt & Gaunt, optometrists...............................2 Talking Therapy, counselling and coaching.........2 Turner Lim Orthodontists.................................11

HOSPITALITY

Lai Thai Restaurant...........................................13 Bolliwood, Indian restaurant............................24

LEGAL & POLITICAL

Bill Korver, lawyer...............................................2 Presland & Co, barristers and solicitors............13 Ross Clow, councillor for Whau..........................2

PERSONAL SERVICES

Tilton, Opie & Pattinson, Simplicity Funerals...20

REAL ESTATE

Barfoot & Thompson..........................................4 Barfoot & Thompson (property management).19 Bayleys (Titirangi)...............................................7 Harcourts Glen Eden.........................................12 Tall Poppy Real Estate.........................................8

SHOPPING

Axent Audio......................................................22 Gecko, giftshop.................................................17

THEATRE & ENTERTAINMENT

Titirangi Folk Music Club..................................13 Titirangi RSA.....................................................10

TRAVEL

World Travellers, Titirangi.................................18

HOUSE & HOME

Goodwood, firewood supplies...........................2 Mitre 10 Mega, New Lynn................................15 Terry Neale furniture design.............................20

Clarks organic butchery....................................14 Fresh Choice Glen Eden......................................6

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contents Creating sustainable communities............................................................... 5 A special Village weekend............................................................................ 6 Death cafe all about living............................................................................7 Leading the world from Titirangi.................................................................. 8 New faces ... and welcome back.................................................................. 9

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Art and about with Naomi McCleary.......................................................... 10 How the Treasure House got its name....................................................... 11 Places to go: Events listing....................................................................12-13 Bandstanding: Ben Howe...........................................................................14 Feature: Mothers’ Day................................................................................16 Words on Wine with Lindsay Nash............................................................. 17

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Travel: Visit India with an open mind......................................................... 18 Showcase: Organic growth for organic butcher......................................... 19 Growing West: Geoff Davidson on Gloxina, a singular species.................. 20 Weather by the moon with Ken Ring......................................................... 22 Live @ the lounge......................................................................................23

On our cover: A different view of Titirangi Village, looking down from inside Lopdell House. Photo: Bevis England.

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www.fringemedia.co.nz 20,600 copies delivered free to letter boxes, post boxes, libraries and selected outlets throughout Titirangi, Glen Eden, Green Bay, New Lynn, Kelston, Konini, Wood Bay, French Bay, South Titirangi, Waima, Woodlands Park, Laingholm, Parau, Cornwallis, Huia and Oratia.

Published by: Fringe Media Ltd, PO Box 60-469, Titirangi, Auckland 0642

Editor: Bevis England 817 8024, 027 494 0700 bevis@fringemedia.co.nz An artist’s impression of a new bridge crossing the Whau River close to Olympic Park. The bridge will be part of Auckland Transport’s recently announced plans for a new shared walking and cycling path to improve local connectivity and create a continuous route into the city. The 2.9km path will be one of the most scenic routes in Auckland, following the rail line from New Lynn through green spaces to just east of Blockhouse Bay Road. It will give people living in the area better travel options and is likely to attract new people to cycling. Funding for the $17.7million project comes from local funding, the Whau Local Board and the Government through the Urban Cycleways Programme. Auckland Transport is seeking feedback on the plans and submissions close on May 15. For more go to: https://at.govt.nz/projects-roadworks/new-lynn-toavondale-shared-path/.

Every issue of The Fringe (and the Titirangi Tatler before it) since April 2011 is on-line at www,fringemedia.co.nz. Like us on Facebook (www.facebook.com/ FringeWest) to hear when each issue is available and get other updates. please support our advertisers – they support us

Advertising: Ed King

817 3627, 021 296 7703 ed@fringemedia.co.nz

Features: Moira Kennedy 817 2204, 021 723 153 moira@fringemedia.co.nz

Writers: Tony Waring, Jade Reidy, Sarah Sparks, George Shiers Contributors: Geoff Davidson, Ken Ring, David Thiele, Lindsay Nash, Janie Vaughan, Naomi McCleary, Susannah Bridges, Phoebe Falconer

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our place

Creating sustainable communities Local action group Glen Eden Transition Town has been involved in two local campaigns recently. One is the launch of a spray-free cycle way project, in partnership with Project Twin Streams, and the other aims to promote reusable shopping bags, in partnership with Glen Eden’s Fresh Choice supermarket. The cycleway, alongside a restored section of Waikumete Stream, is accessed from Savoy Road. Local residents are concerned about the scale of Auckland Council’s chemical weedLeft to right: Shannon Ferabend, Chrissie yates, control program and Alanah Mullin, Sarah James, Matt Procktor, have united to hold Marie Faalavaau, Savana Lorson (age 3) and regular working Reuben Ferabend (age 7) working on the weedfree cycle way bees along the cycle way during which the community manually weeds and line-trims the area, eliminating the need for any spray. The group also plans to plant low-maintenance bee-friendly flower verges and a community garden at one end of the cycleway. The ‘Gotcha Bag?’ campaign will run until May 8 and will feature free barbecues hosted by local celebrities and reusable bag giveaways outside the Glen Eden Fresh Choice supermarket.

The supermarket’s owner, Pranil Ranchhod says the Glen Eden store goes through thousands of plastic bags a week. “Each of those bags is only used for an average of 20 minutes. It's a big waste Left to right: Vivien van der Wal, Denise Roche, of resources and Stefanie O'Brien, Kristy Lorson and Savana Lorson at Glen Eden’s Fresh Choice. money.” “There's a real momentum around single-use plastic bags being phased out around the world,” says Kristy Lorson from Glen Eden Transition Town. “Recycling is a hugely energy-intensive process where plastics are downgraded into lower-quality products that often cannot be further recycled. We need to do more than just recycle. We need to reduce our waste at its source. It's time we transitioned away from wasteful practices and worked towards creating sustainable communities,” she says. The campaign is also supported by the Waitakere Ranges Local Board and Ecomatters. For more information about both these initiatives visit https:// www.facebook.com/glenedentransitiontown/ or www.facebook. com/gotchabag, email glenedentransitiontown@gmail.com or phone Davian Lorson 022 5444 405.

Waitakere Ranges Local Board has made funding available to support local projects. The grants are specifically for projects that help ensure the Waitakere Ranges Heritage area is protected, natural environments are healthy, communities can continue to thrive, town centres and villages are revitalised and the local arts and culture scene flourishes. Funding is also available for a variety of heritage preservation, protection and restoration projects. Applications for ‘local grants’ for amounts of $1500 and higher close on May 15. Visit http://www.aucklandcouncil.govt. nz/EN/newseventsculture/communityfundingsupport/Pages/  findagrant.aspx for more information.  

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A special Village weekend Now in its 11th year the annual Titirangi Festival of Music kicked off on the second Friday of last month and it didn’t take long for the Village Night to get into full swing. The streets were packed for the Village’s busiest night on the calendar, with music fans coming to enjoy performances ranging from DJ’s and fire jugglers in the ‘Jungle Zone’ to smooth jazz vibes just over the road. Opening night sessions also included the Te Uru Gallery concerts and The Black Seeds soldout concert at the War Memorial Hall. Saturday was the festival’s biggest day with Dave Dobbyn’s evening performance a sell-out and scores of people descending upon the Village to enjoy free music, good food and quality entertainment. The good weather was a blessing, allowing people to enjoy everything from the superhero marching band to the sounds of South African street music in the Village Square. High School bands also proved popular, attracting large crowds. Food was abundant, with real fruit ice-cream on offer in the square, a sausage sizzle and barbecue, and even free lollies and chocolates. Fine weather didn’t hold for Sunday but spirits couldn’t be dampened and the festival continued with free workshops and films at Arataki Visitor Centre.

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people

Death Cafe all about living "They're very gentle conversations, sometimes very funny, sometimes poignant. They're hugely privileging." Kerry-Ann Stanton, celebrant, community dance educator and resident of Wood Bay, is talking about topics of conversation at Titirangi's Death Cafe which she co-founded with psychotherapist Graham Southwell. Say the words 'Death Cafe' to the uninitiated and you will see a range of facial expressions ranging from shock through confusion to interest. So, just what goes on? A Death Cafe is a scheduled non-profit get-together that aims to break the secrecy surrounding the topic of death with conversations over food and drink, usually tea and cake. The first cafe was established in Switzerland in 2004, and there are now groups in more than 30 countries. The Titirangi cafe held its first monthly meeting in 2014 and after 'resting' during summer, has now restarted. It is not a therapy group. People taking part are from all walks of life, mostly mature women but with a sprinkling of men and younger people too. There may be 10 people in any group, maybe more, maybe less, and the tea and cake lends a gentle, yet social, ambience to the occasion. There is no requirement to talk and many of those attending are strangers to each other. "I did a course about soul midwifery in the UK some years ago," says Graham. "That was all about bringing people into the world and into a nice holistic environment, but there was nothing like that about people leaving the world." Graham says he's had a professional interest in death and dying for a number of years and has aligned his business with hospice. He's been a member of Hospice New Zealand since 2005 and is a volunteer at Dove Hospice. He met Kerry-Ann for coffee a couple of years ago, and the pair were discussing death and dying. Having read about Death Cafes overseas, they decided to introduce the concept here to "great response," says Graham. "It's been really well received and while some people have suggested we shouldn't call it Death Cafe, that's more about their response to it." "People seem to find our event a safe place to talk about their life and their experiences. We have birth plans and we're very excited

about people being born. The Death Cafe offers the opportunity to think about death in lots of different ways with people willing to share," says Kerry-Ann. "I've met people who are genuinely quite ready to embrace dying. It's a natural part of life. I'm intrigued by the mystery of that. It's like a journey Kerry-Ann Stanton and Graham Southwell. and for some people these conversations can be very healing," says Kerry-Ann. "For me, the cafe gives me the opportunity to contemplate living fully, to think about what death and dying means to me, what I am in my daily life and how I want to connect with the things I want to do," she says. "I tend to feel incredibly peaceful at the end of these evenings." For more information, contact Graham Southwell on 021 606 146 (graham@rangiwaihouse.co.nz) or Kerry-Ann Stanton on 027 474 5003. www.deathcafe.com – Moira Kennedy

Keeping Hospice on the road

Hospice West Auckland’s vehicles travel more than 190,000 km and rack up $22,800 in fuel bills every year. The organisation now needs to replace its worn out equipment van. The van is used to provide a responsive service to patients, delivering oxygen concentrators, wheel chairs and shower stools to patients’ homes and helping them remain in their chosen environment. Donations can be made through http://hwa.org.nz/ donations/donate-now and if you can help in other ways, email info@hwa.org.nz.

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people

Leading the world – from Titirangi After 20 years as founder, director and lead lecturer of The Celebrant School, Titirangi's Mary Hancock is taking a break to consider “all sorts of opportunities” that may include writing a book about celebrancy. After working as a celebrant in Auckland for 25 years, Mary established a celebrant training programme at AUT in 1996. It was the first in the world and was followed by The Celebrant School which has been operating in Lopdell House, Titirangi, for the past 18 years and which has been used as a template for training programmes internationally. "It's been incredibly exciting," says Mary. "Since those early days 650 people have graduated from this programme in Auckland Mary Hancock: ‘one size does not fit all’. and Christchurch and it's fantastic that it's taken off around the world as well." The latest census figures (2013) show more than 50 per cent of New Zealanders have no religious allegiance with more than 60 per cent of weddings and 70 per cent of funerals officiated by civil celebrants. But it's not just those activities: contemporary society is also seeking out celebrants for baby or house blessings, naming or eldership ceremonies, life transitions including birthdays, anniversaries, reunions, coming of age, graduations and career changes, and with transitions through crisis.

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The Fringe MAY 2016

No matter the reason for a ceremony or celebration, there's a huge amount of work to do according to Mary. "To the outside observer it looks simple and straightforward. That's because a trained celebrant knows what they're doing and has put the time in to make it look simple, effortless and just right. "One size does not fit all and certainly that's the case for kiwis. We're a bi-cultural and multi-cultural nation with great ethnic and cultural diversity and there are so many things to be factored into a ceremony." Mary says when one has trained as a celebrant, there's an understanding of the nature of ceremony and ritual and why they're important in people's lives. "We don't do cookie cutter ceremonies, where you just drop the name in. We don't do cut-and-paste but customise the ceremony it to the person at the heart of the event. "Yes, there are lots of people out there who are officiating at events but they're not trained and they're like loose cannons. You have to bring skill to the work. "Take a funeral as an example. You have to find a way for the family to talk about the person who has died. How to develop the ceremony? How to honour the life in stories? Take time to acknowledge the grief, the love and the loss. You want to understand the connection of everyone there and they also want to say goodbye to the physical form of the person who has died. Those core things need to be in there and you can always find a way to fit the family, fit that person." Mary says there's increasing interest in ceremonies of eldership which were standard customs in years gone by. "Increasingly when people reach their 60s, they want to acknowledge there is a wisdom gained from living life. People are reclaiming old customs and want to honour what's happening now. It's immensely exciting," she says. The new director of The Celebrant School is Kathrine Fraser and Kerry-Ann Stanton is the lead lecturer and facilitator. – Moira Kennedy

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New faces .... and welcome back "We're open seven days and keen to meet the locals." That's the word from the new owner of Gecko in the Village, Amanda Li, who bought the gift shop recently and is setting about offering a wider range of products to suit locals. "In the past Gecko has been very well known for providing lovely products for tourists but since I've been here, I've realised many of our customers are locals who want more than the kiwiana which has such strong tourist appeal," she says. "I'm keen to offer a lot of different lines as nice gifts for themselves, friends and families." Originally from China, Amanda has lived in New Zealand with Amanda Li: keen to meet locals. her husband Davin Dong for six years and is a graphic designer. "This is my first experience with retail and it was quite scary at the beginning but it's really good to be here. It's lovely getting to know my customers and taking time to talk with them." Amanda and Davin presently live in South Auckland but aim to live locally within the next two years. "That's the plan," says Amanda. A popular chef at the former Barossa restaurant in the Village, who left the area in 2007, is now back in the 'hood, this time as supervisor and part-owner of Bolliwood restaurant.

Parvinder Singh and business partner Jassi Poonia are part of the Bolliwood group that has eight restaurants in the Auckland area, the closest to Titirangi being in Ponsonby. "A lot of people going to the Ponsonby restaurant are from West Auckland – New Lynn, Kelston and Titirangi – and we've been doing a lot of out-catering for people in those areas," says Parvinder. "When the space in the Village became available, we were keen to set up our business here. "We have absolutely no connection with the past two Indian restaurants on this site. We're not related in any way," he said. The pair have worked in hospitality for 12 years and have worked together for the past 10. The Bolliwood group was Parvinder Singh with business partner Jassi started in 2011 with its Poonia. first restaurant in Ponsonby. "We have a new team here and I'm very happy to be back and catching up with a lot of locals who know me from the Barossa days," says Parvinder. – Moira Kennedy

Build New • Extend • Renovate Local artist Ellen Kerssens painting some chickens onto the wall below Bolliwood restaurant recently. Ellen has also painted other murals in the area, including one opposite Green Bay High School, and is hoping to do a few more around Titirangi. Photo: George Shiers.

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art & about with naomi mccleary

Contemporary art and the dilemma of climate change There are two significant events coming up in May, one in the West and one in Central Auckland. Both engage and involve our local art scene. From May 25 to 29, New Zealand’s premier international showcase for contemporary art, the Auckland Art Fair, returns to The Cloud on Auckland’s Queen’s Wharf – after a three-year hiatus, The opportunity to view, and buy, contemporary art from 40 of the most prestigious galleries from Australia, New Zealand, South America and the Pacific is not to be missed. Galleries have been selected based on the merit of their proposals by an independent Selection Committee made up of Michael Lett, Director of Michael Lett Gallery (Auckland); Dayle Mace, longstanding supporter and patron of the Arts in New Zealand; Justin Paton, Head Curator of International Art at the Art Gallery of New South Wales; Simon Rees, Director of the Govett-Brewster Art Gallery / Len Lye Centre (New Plymouth) and Hamish Keith, cultural commentator. Along with the ‘business of art’, invited not-for-profit arts institutions have been given space to exhibit work and promote their programmes. Titirangi’s Te Uru Waitakere Contemporary Gallery and the McCahon House Trust are featured among these. Although this is primarily a show and sell event, there could

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not be a better way to get a once over lightly view of the world of contemporary art. Entry tickets are $25 and there are some glitterati events with matching ticket prices. Internationally acclaimed chef and art collector Peter Gordon is curating menus at four pop-up bars and eateries. Visit www.artfair.co.nz for further information. Closer to home is the next iteration of TEMP. The story behind TEMP was introduced in this column last month, along with a fun project involving local schools in the climate change conversation. To summarise, TEMP is a series of public art/science experiences taking place throughout 2016 and culminating in a large scale, outdoor symposium in early 2017 anchored at two hubs – the Corban Estate Art Centre and Te Uru Waitakere Contemporary Gallery. It is a unique, cross-organisational, multi-cultural and interdisciplinary venture that has ambitions to grow into a recurring regional event with international profile. The driving impetus behind TEMP is the dilemma of climate change and its longer-term aim is to inspire action at a personal level and to effect local, national and international change. TEMP is already bringing outstanding artists together with leading scientists and subject experts to examine the effect climate change will have on the world and, from that cross-fertilisation of disciplines, to create projects that will raise awareness and foster conversation and action, particularly at the local level. A series of one-day forums is part of the development programme and is bringing together key artists and scientists for a day of idea generation. The next of these will be at the theatre in Lopdell House on May 24. There will be some seats available at the door for a keynote session on current climate change science with Dr Jim Salinger and an air quality perception, arts/science, hands-on workshop. Dr Salinger has been involved in research and analysis of climate change and variability and its impacts for 40 years. He is a prolific communicator and has received several awards and other honours for his work. Contact Te Uru or go to www.tempauckland.org.nz for details.

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Friday May 13 RECLINER ROCKERS: 7.30pm. The awesome Recliner Rockers...The Top Auckland based blues-rockabilly-roots-rock band!. Friday May 27 OPEN MIC NIGHT: 8pm. Awesome live music from some of the best local talent coupled with special guest appearances from in and around Auckland. Come and join Paul O’Brien, Sandy Henderson, Rod Redgrave and extended friends for an awesome night’s entertainment. Tuesday May 31 QUIZ NIGHT: 7.30pm. Teams of 4–6, No Entry Fee, Restaurant Open.

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on stage

How the Treasure House got its name “The Titirangi Treasure House, ‘a sweet building of chaste design’, appropriately lends itself to its mission. “It has a tiled roof, cream concrete walls, and a pillared portico, not unlike a Greek Temple. The fairy dell which it occupies is being rapidly transformed into a botanical garden, crammed with native flora. It is a most charming place for a day’s picnic. In the Treasure House is the rarest collection of kauri gum, Maori curios and handicraft, New Zealand birds and beautiful timbers; also an invaluable display of historic photos of Auckland and of wider interest. The whole setting is artistic and delightful, a rare rendezvous of pleasure and profit.” (Auckland Star, 1926) Frank Peat, a resident of Dargaville, devoted his whole life to collecting Maori artifacts. He also collected items of natural history interest (stuffed birds, bats, sea life) and accumulated a celebrated kauri gum collection. Part of this was exhibited in Auckland in July 1923 at the Winter Exhibition, then again at the Dominion Industrial Exhibition in June the following year. Eventually Mr Peat’s house became so overcrowded that he was forced to move. He bought land in Titirangi and built the Treasure House to house his kauri gum collection (consisting of several thousand specimens obtained from every gumfield north of Auckland and occupying four cases, each nearly 20ft long and 5ft wide) and his collection of Maori curios. Upon his death these two collections were rehoused in museums in Wellington and Rotorua. For more information visit http://timespanner.blogspot.co.nz/ search?q=Treasure+House Today the Treasure House is the repository for Titirangi Theatre’s vast costume store, so the name is still appropriate. The building is also used for meetings and extra rehearsal space as required, as the clothes racks can be moved to accommodate

this. Sewing machines can be set up for teaching and repairing and constructing costumes, under the watchful eye of wardrobe mistress Lynn Cottingham (pictured above, in her element). For details on the theatre’s 2016 programme, including the innovative Cushion Theatre (May 27, 7.30pm), visit www. titirangitheatre.co.nz – Phoebe Falconer. Photos: John McIver

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places to go

may w – 1, Faces of Jerusalem, photographic exhibition by

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Ilan Wittenberg; Te Uru, 420 Titirangi Road. Phone 817 8087. FacesOfJerusalem.co.nz. w – 8, Mr Heartbreak featuring work by ceramic artists Jo McLean and Zena Dawson; Upstairs Art Gallery, Lopdell House. Phone 817 4278. w – 15, Frankie goes to Bollywood, an exhibition of paintings by Bepen Bhana; Te Uru, 420 Titirangi Rd. w – 22, A study of a Samoan savage. Photos by Yuki Kihara; Te Uru, 420 Titirangi Road. Phone 817 8087. w – 29, Ocean Treasures, an exhibition by Jasmine Clark; West Coast Gallery, Seaview Rd. Piha; Wed – Sun, 10am-4.30pm. Phone 812 8029. w – May 31, Colour Rising, works by pioneer abstractionist Gretchen Albrecht; Te Uru. w – June 3, Gildered Stitches/Glass Fusion, an exhibition by Waiatarua glass artist Susan Brogan; Arataki Visitor Centre, Scenic Drive. Phone 817 0077. w – June 6, Plastic Mouthfeel III: exhibition by Dan Arps; Te Uru. Phone 817 8087. w 1, Mother’s day crafts and gift-making workshop for children; St Andrew’s Hall, 8 Clayburn Road; 9.30– 10.30am. Phone Debbie 818 4449.

w 4, Movie: People, Places, Things; Lopdell House Theatre; 6.15 and 8.15pm; Free. Phone 818 2489.

w 5, 12, 19 and 26, Dancefit classes for teens and

adults; St Andrew’s Hall, 8 Clayburn Road; 6–6.45pm Low-impact workout to music, 6.45–7.15pm Introduction to Jazz; Gold coin donation. Phone Debbie 818 4449 or Bronwyn 027 684 1401. w 5, Titirangi folk music session; Toolroom, Hardware Cafe; 7–10pm; Free. Phone Ian 813 2305. w 7, Mostly Craft, fun activities for children aged 5-11 years (accompanied); St Francis Anglican Church, Corner Park and Titirangi Beach Roads; 1.30-3.30pm. Phone Donna 817 5412, www.titirangianglican.org.nz. w 7, Annual Swiss Market Day, traditional food, music, crafts and products; 6 Rockridge Ave, Penrose; 8am-3pm. Phone Tanja 021 101 4432. w 7 – July 17, Uniform, a collective of female artists explore the relationship between Auckland and Dunedin; Te Uru. Phone 817 8087. w 8, Clothing Swap, update clothing wardrobes in a sustainable manner, drinks and nibbles included; Titirangi Community House; Childrens’ 11:00am - 1:00pm, Rags to Riches 1:30pm - 3:30pm. Phone 022 426 7250. w 10, Fashion stylist Lisa O'Neill in a comedy-filled fundraiser for Plunket; Salvation Army Auditorium: 532 Don Buck Road, Massey; 7.30pm; $25. Phone Gwenda Dowler 027 344 5953 or email Gwenda.Dowler@plunket.org.nz. w 10, Western District Women’s Dinner Club; Te Atatu RSA. Phone Margaret 827 1525 or Jeanette 626 6783. w 13, Flicks movie: Trumbo; Lopdell House Theatre; 8.15pm; $14 tickets from Titirangi Pharmacy or Upstairs Art Gallery. Phone 818 2489.

BC5439

WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN IN THE WEST...

Event organisers: Do you have an upcoming event you'd like listed in The Fringe? Send the details, including a contact person and number, to info@fringemedia.co.nz. Readers: While we take care to ensure listings are correct, errors may occur. Check with the contact person wherever possible.

Arataki Visitor Centre

itions apply.

Terms and Cond

Contact us: Harcourts Blue Fern Realty Licensed Agent REAA 2008

0800 080 303 or visit our website:

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Welcome to Arataki, the gateway to the Waitākere Ranges and the Hillary Trail Winter hours: 1 May - 31 August 9am – 5pm (weekends) 10am – 4pm (weekdays)

Early orthodontic assessment Dr Nitin Raniga a wise investment Orthodontist

Dr Nitin Raniga, local member of the New Zealand Association of BDSsays (Otago), (Otago), Orthodontists (NZAO), the best ageDCInDent for your child to see a specialist is as soonMOrth as you notice a problem. “If you’re concerned, RSCEd, MRACDS (Orth) you definitely shouldn’t wait until your child has all their adult teeth, and you don’t need6 a referral from a dentist Exminster St, or dental therapist.”

Blockhouse Bay Auckland 0600

An orthodontist is a registered dentist who has gone on to complete an additional 2-3 years of fulltime postgraduate university education in specialist orthodontics. All members of the NZAO are trained in the appropriate use of the full range of available orthodontic appliances, and undertake continual study and professional development to stay on top of the latest trends and improvements in orthodontic treatment.

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The Fringe MAY 2016

Phone (09) 627 3555 Find out more: phone 09 817 0077 or visit Dr Raniga says early treatment by a specialist can reduce or occasionally nitin@aucklandortho.co.nz Waitākere Ranges eliminate the need for more extensive treatment at a later age. “Orthodontists spend a great deal of their post graduate training studying facial growth and www.aucklandortho.co.nz Regional Park development,” says Dr Raniga. There is 300 Scenic Drive, much less stigma around wearing braces and orthodontic appliances, compared Titirangi with what parents may recall from their

own childhood. “Teenagers will actually nag Mum and Dad for an appointment. Our children know the value of a beautiful, functional smile that will last them a lifetime, and they’re willing to put the work in now. If that’s not a wise investment, I don’t know what is.” To ensure you’re receiving specialist advice, always look for the NZAO

logo.with For morethe information go to www.orthodontists.org.nz. advertise fringe & reach up to 60,000 people


places to go w 14, Titirangi Folk Music Club Concert with Brenda

There is so much happening in and around our community, including many weekly events, that we can’t fit everything into these listings. To find out more about whatever you are interested in, from Air Scouts to yoga and almost everything in between, visit:

www.fringemedia.co.nz/ourplace.

l WHERE IT’S AT: • Corban Estate Arts Centre, 426 Great North Road, Henderson, 10am–4.30pm daily. 838 4455. • Kelston Community Centre, corner of Awaroa and Great North Roads, Kelston. • McCahon House Museum, 67 Otitori Bay Rd; 1-4pm, Wednesday – Sunday, except public holidays. Outside these hours by appointment. 817 6148 or mccahon@mccahonhouse.org.nz. • Playhouse Theatre, 15 Glendale Road, Glen Eden. 818 5751. • Sustainable Living Centre, 4 Olympic Place, New Lynn, 10am–4pm Mon-Fri, 10am–1pm Sat, or by appointment. 826 4276; info@ecomatters.org.nz. • Te Uru Waitakere Contemporary Gallery, 420 Titirangi Road, Titirangi, 10am–4.30pm daily. 817 8087; email info@teuru.org. nz. • Titirangi Theatre, Lopdell House, Titirangi, 817 5812; infoline 817 5951; www. titirangitheatre.co.nz. • Upstairs Art Gallery, Level 1, Lopdell House, 418 Titirangi Road, 10am–4.30pm daily. 817 4278. www. upstairs.org.nz. • West Coast Gallery, Seaview Road, Piha, Wednesday – Sunday, 10am–4.30pm. 812 8029. www.westcoastgallery.co.nz.

Saturday May 14TH 8PM

MarkLaurent & BrendaLiddiard Passionate acoustic music

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WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN IN THE WEST...

Liddiard and Mark Laurent. Floor singers first half; Beach Hall, Titirangi Beach Road; 8pm; $8, members $5, under 18 free. Phone Ian 813 2305. w 18, Movie: Most likely to succeed; Lopdell House Theatre; 6 and 8pm; $12 tickets from Titirangi Pharmacy or Upstairs Art Gallery. Phone 818 2489. w 20, Flicks movie: 45 Years; Lopdell House Theatre; 8.15pm; $14 tickets from Titirangi Pharmacy or Upstairs Art Gallery. Phone 818 2489. w 21, Lions Club of New Lynn Book sale; 3063 Great North, New Lynn; 9am-4pm. w 27, Titirangi Folk Music Friends on Friday. Share your songs and music with a friendly group; Beach Hall, Titirangi Beach Rd; 8pm; $3, under 18 free. Phone Robin and Rosemary 814 8897 or Margaret 818 1434. w 28, In Between Nap Times, a friendly, intimate concert by Anika Moa; Glen Eden Intermediate School, Kaurilands Road; 3.30pm; Gold coin donation. w 29, Titirangi Village Market, art, craft, produce and music; Titirangi War Memorial Hall, 500 South Titirangi Road; 10am-2pm. Contact Tanya, tvm.manager@gmail. com or 814 1177.


bandstanding – music in the west with susannah bridges

‘Some of the most interesting music comes from here ...’ Music lovers won’t need to be reminded that May is New Zealand Music Month – so we thought we’d chat to Titirangi resident Ben Howe who has been involved in New Zealand music in various guises ever since he was a student at Green Bay High in the ’80s. “My first band terrorised the neighbours in Laingholm every Sunday afternoon (sorry!). After noise control moved us along, I joined a few other more serious bands and started working at Truetone Records in Newmarket.” In the ’90s Ben was in Auckland indie band Superette – which achieved some success with their album Tiger released on seminal New Zealand label Flying Nun Records. Ben also formed the band Fang in the late ’90s. Needing a vehicle to release Fang, and other bands who were not signed to a larger label, Ben set up Arch Hill Recordings which has been going for almost 16 years now. A natural progression of events saw Ben helping to establish Saint Jerome’s Laneway Festival and then joining Flying Nun where he is now one of a number of owners including founder Roger Shepherd, Neil Finn, former Netherworld Dancing Toys band member Graham Cockroft and music enthusiast Peter Rishworth. “They are all rather more behind-the-scenes owners and I run things on a day to day level,” says Ben. But wait, there’s more! “Right now I am involved in four different but interlinked music companies,” says Ben. The newest of these is Flying Out, an umbrella company that includes a vinyl store at 80 Pitt Street, an online vinyl store, and a distribution company. “And we put on a festival called The Others Way in September across seven venues in the K Rd area. I’m also involved in a company called Aeroplane

specialists in all aspects of renovation, additions & property maintenance David Kirk 021 589 735

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Music, licensing and placing local music in films, TV and commercials.” Arch Hill and Flying Nun have a busy schedule of releases at present – from new artists like Doprah and Tiny Ruins to reissues from classic Flying Nun artists like Chris Knox. Many of the original Flying Nun artists (e.g. Ben Howe outside the Flying Out store, holding a The Bats and The Flying Nun Chris Heazlewood seven-inch single. Verlaines) are still with the label and releasing new material alongside their reissues. Ben says he’s trying to strike a good balance between new material and reissuing older back catalogue material. “There is a really strong resurgence now in vinyl so we are reissuing a lot of the records in that format – recently Tall Dwarfs, David Kilgour, The Abel Tasmans, Sneaky Feelings and many more.” Up and coming new artists across both labels include Lawrence Arabia, Aldous Harding, avoid!avoid and Street Chant. While these might not be household names yet, Ben says they have potential overseas. “For example Aldous Harding is currently touring Europe and just did a live session with the BBC’s Marc Riley, and many of the others get a lot of coverage on blogs, or college radio in the US. We now have a full-time staff member and office in New York and a strong offshore distribution, marketing, and promotion network. “There’s nothing more satisfying than getting a finished album from one of our bands, taking it home and turning it up loud! I actually think some of the best and most interesting music comes from here – it is more unique and less moulded by industry expectations.” When he’s not working from dawn till dusk on one his music projects Ben says “I do like to take my Enfield motorcycle for a spin in the Waitakere’s or add some nice natives to our bush section, whilst trying to subtract a few weeds too!” www.flyingout.co.nz.

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feature: mothers’ day

Mum’s the Word While ancient versions of Mothers’ Day are thought to have been recognised in Middle Eastern countries more than 6,000 years ago, in modern times it's said to have become popular around 1870 as a day dedicated to peace. And indeed, according to many readers of The Fringe, that's what a lot of mothers would like on Mother's Day: peace and quiet, well behaved 'nice' children and perhaps a lie-in with a cup of tea in bed. "That would be bliss," says one mother of three littlies under the age of five. "I can only wish." The Fringe found that the most Michelle Rocard – time is one of the best gifts of all. mothers spoken to didn't want their children to buy expensive gifts although a card was always welcomed and hand-made cards always go down a treat, no matter the age of the giver.

"It means a bit of thought has gone into it," says one mum. "I always love a card and perhaps a few flowers from the garden or a chocolate or two would be fabulous too. But nothing expensive!" Michelle Rocard agrees she wouldn't be comfortable with expensive gifts from her children and it's a subject close to her heart. Titirangi local, Michelle is a daughter and a mother, always spending time with her mother on the day and hoping her children will do the same with her. She's also the manager of Hospice West Auckland's Delta Avenue store in New Lynn. "I'd be so happy to receive something from an op shop. These places are full of treats and treasures and there are plenty of gift ideas to suit everyone's budget. "Shopping at a hospice store is also a lovely way to remember mothers who've passed on. By supporting organisations like hospice you're supporting a great cause, finding wonderful gifts and getting bargains as well," she says. While many might agree with Michelle when she says that the best gift of all – to give or receive – is the gift of time, others believe Mothers’ Day is an ideal time to shower your mother with flowers, chocolates, meals out or special treats that she may be reluctant to buy for herself. Perfumes and pampering, spa visits, a scented massage, manicure or facial that may involve sugar crystals or seasonal fruits to feed your skin. Vouchers, so mum can choose which delight she'd like, are a godsend for times like this and can save you a lot of worry. – Moira Kennedy

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words on wine with lindsay nash In the past Mothers’ Day may have seen us opening a sweet sherry or maybe an after dinner Muscat. Not so now. If my three daughters are any guide, the modern mum is more likely to fancy a full-bodied Pinot Noir, a bold Chardonnay or a well-matured Riesling. Think too about an unusual Sauvignon Blanc. Seresin’s organic Marlborough version (about $28) has all the intense fruit you could wish for, plus subtle oak and a sustained silky finish that moves Sauvignon Blanc into a new dimension, subtle, complex, and charming, like many a mother. It’s a while since I visited Dog Point winery, a special birthday treat, but memories of their Section 94 Sauvignon Blanc (about $35) linger. It’s surprisingly weighty but perfectly balanced with layers of fruity flavour and restrained oak, perfect to accompany a celebratory meal. Purely in the interests of research you’ll understand, I recently opened three bottles of Chardonnay together, all outstanding value. Church Road (2015) is often on a special at $15. Its aroma increases in the glass, slightly grainy and oatmealy. This follows through in its flavour, toasty and mouth filling with acid and oak providing pleasant undertones. Villa Maria Cellar selection Marlborough 2015 is also often about $15, another bargain. It has a lovely golden hue, similar biscuity tones and a touch of citrus in its aftertaste. The pick of the bunch for me was Saints Gisborne Chardonnay (on special at $9.99) a little more buttery and equally mouth filling. Like the others it takes a little swirling in the glass to release its pleasing characteristics, held together with unobtrusive acid giving a gentle finish. For big, bold Pinot Noir, Central Otago must be the choice, though Martinborough runs it close. If your wallet is flexible, go for Felton Road, perhaps their “standard” Bannockburn label at about $60. It’s a big, rich, totally beguiling wine, weighty yet elegant, mature yet full of youthful vigour. Sounds like many a modern mum. I recently happened upon a mystery Central Otago special on the Internet for about $15. It turned out to be Archangel 2012 Pinot Noir (usually $30). It’s a deep, dark red colour with a funky mushroom aroma that gives little hint of the full-bodied pleasures to follow. There’s a tinge of sweet fruit at the start, then a surge of earthy plum flavour leading to a finish of silky tannins with a spine of gentle acid. Finding a mature Riesling on the shelves is rare but both Framingham and Palliser Estate (about $25) have recent vintages that are full bodied, with citrus and mineral flavours, and appropriate acid to balance their off-dry quality. But if your fail-safe position for Mothers’ Day is still sherry, take a trip out to Pleasant Valley. They have a lovely range from sweet to dry, all with a mature, nutty character. Even Dad might be won over.

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Endermologie, Lipomassage, Regen and Formostar body wrap Brigitte Bourgogne now has private consulting rooms in Titirangi. Specialising in Cellulite reduction, reshaping, and firming the skin. Brigitte who trained as a nurse will consult with you to provide a professional and realistic solution to your personal concerns. She will work with you to help you to achieve your goals and regain your confidence. Phone 09 817 1002 0274 748 658 www.brigitteb.co.nz

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17


travel

Visit India with an open mind "India just doesn't promote itself well enough." Titirangi woman Louise Nicholson is adamant one of her favourite destinations undersells itself yet has so much to offer tourists. Louise and her husband Christopher first got the travel bug in 1971 and haven't found a cure – except to keep on travelling whenever they can. They have been to 36 countries – India four times – and Louise happily extols the virtues of one of her favourite places. "It's unique. You can't compare it with anywhere else. Everyone thinks India is crowded, which it is, and dirty, which it can be, but look beyond that and you'll see the people are an absolute delight and that makes up for what other people see as shortcomings," she says. Having travelled in most parts of the vast subcontinent, Louise recommends heading for the state of Rajasthan if you want to see the country at its most colourful and exotic best. "It has everything you've ever imagined India to be – maharajahs' palaces, camels, elephants, old forts and deserts. It's so colourful and with so many contrasts and different cultures. Get yourself a 24/7 local driver – it will cost very little and you'll have a wonderful time." Louise concedes India has its challenges and "can be hard work. Everything is in your face and all your senses are assailed. It can become overpowering but the secret is to just go with the flow. Don't allow yourself to get upset. Draw on your inner reserves and calm yourself down a bit," she says. And forget about all the stories about dirty toilets. "They're a myth. I never came cross one whether in bus or railway stations, restaurants or anywhere else. We stay in small Indian hotels (think Marigold Hotel) and have never been disappointed. They recognised

many years ago that Europeans need en suites. "And I've never been afraid there. You can go out at night without any worries." Louise admits she's no shrinking violet when travelling in India and has even travelled on the Mumbai Railways. "It seems like the whole population of Auckland is on the one train, so yes, that can be challenging. You don't want to do it if you're tired. But the people are lovely and tourists are always such a novelty that they want to talk to you. "Go to India with an open mind. If you take your prejudices with you, you won't Louise Nicholson. No cure for the travel bug enjoy it." Louise says that apart from doing travel bookings domestically or to Australia online, she always works with a travel agent. "That's so important. If anything goes wrong when you're overseas, you just get on the phone and your agent fixes it. "I am perfectly capable of making bookings online, and won't diss others who do, but I choose not to.” Louise hasn't set a date for her next India adventure – there's a trip to Japan soon, and a visit to Nashville in the United States for Christopher to pursue musical interests. But the memories of India are never far away. – Moira Kennedy

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Organic growth for organic butcher who've become aware of what's Glen Eden's organic meat retailer, Clarks going into their bodies and want Organic Meat, has a fresh new look with to choose healthier options. new display cabinets and an open-plan They understand you get what design where the customers can see the you pay for," Ivan says. whole 'back-of-house' activity. "There are cheaper meat "Whether it's cutting the meat, products out there and visually making gourmet lines or sausage-making, you'll get more bang for your customers can see the whole process," buck but it's false economy. says owner Ivan Mansell. "It's all done Sausages which cost $5 or with transparency. We have nothing to $6 a kilo might have 15 per hide and thought it was time for the look cent protein in them. Organic of our shop to match our product range." sausages will cost considerably A butcher for 17 years, Ivan has been in more but they'll contain 90-95 the West Coast Road store more than four years and has seen the business attract The Clarks team: Ivan Mansell, Phill Pirie, Christina Haturani and per cent protein with no fillers," customers from all over Auckland. An Kevin Bratton. Apprentice butcher Nyssa Carter was away when he says. "It's a fact you don't have to on-line delivery service sees the company this photo was taken. shipping south as well, to Hamilton, Wellington, Christchurch and eat so much to feel fuller if you're eating quality. Your body knows even Fox Glacier. They're also working with some local food businesses what it wants, what it needs, and it can tell you when it's got the such as pie-makers and cafes. "It's about putting back into the local nutritional value it's after. You'll eat less if you're eating quality food." Ivan's recently taken on first year apprentice Nyssa Carter which community and supporting each other. "Understanding of organic food continues to grow and in our has doubled the female component of his team, working alongside business, it's definitely slanted more to the sustainability of animal 'counter star' Christina Haturani. "Chris loves talking to the customers and sharing ideas. The whole welfare, as well as being aware of the contents of the products we're team is passionate about quality food and cooking at home, coming feeding ourselves and our families," he says. "It's a good way to be. If the animals are healthy, we're going to be up with new ideas and recipes we're happy to share." healthy. It's about the environment too, sustaining the land the meat – Moira Kennedy is grown on, rather than dumping chemicals on it." That may mean fewer head of cattle per acre and growing different animals on different grasses or vegetables. "They all have their part to play in the eco system so it all fits together to put nutrition back into the soil." Ivan says he's very fussy about the products he buys. "Our customers believe in our product so we have to believe in our farmers to make sure there's a traceability through the whole cycle, from land to table." He's personally checked 90 per cent of the farms he works with, ensuring all beef and lamb farms are certified organic, and that the free range pork farm follows that same cycle. "It's our belief in our farmers' animals and farming practices." Lorraine Haslam A recent trend in the store is the number of younger people shopping for organic products. "They may be first-child families

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The Fringe MAY 2016

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growing west with geoff davidson

New Zealand Gloxinia – a singular species Gloxina, also known as Taurepo, Matata, Waiuatua or Rhabdothamnus solandri, is the only member of the genus Rhabdothamnus and is part of the tropical family called Gesneriaceae. That makes it a monotypic genus, endemic to New Zealand, and a special plant, but sadly, also one that is little known. Although relatively common, particularly in the Waitakere Ranges, it is rarely referred to in reference books. It is not a tree so is not mentioned in books on New Zealand trees. Being a single species with no near relatives it does not feature prominently in books about shrubs, and having a particular niche habitat it is missing from large areas of our forests. Furthermore it is not so threatened that it gets mentioned in articles and books on endangered plants. If you have it growing on the steep rocky slope behind the house,

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or down the slope to the stream, do learn to love it, not just for its interesting look and beautiful flowers, but also for its singularity. The Gesneriaceae are a widespread family throughout the world and the largest genus is the Cyrtandra which occurs throughout Asia and the Pacific but Rhabdothamnus is the only member to grow in New Zealand. Taurepo got off to a good start in the history of New Zealand botany having been first recorded by Banks and Solander in 1769 on Captain Cook’s first voyage when they arrived at Mercury Bay. But it was another 57 years before being noted again, by Allan Cunningham in the Bay of Islands. Today the Auckland region appears to be its stronghold although it does occur less frequently throughout the North Island. Taurepo prefers free draining, rocky yet fertile sites particularly on limestone karst formations. It is a two-metre shrub with harshly hairy leaves arranged in opposite pairs and a conspicuous red/orange tubular flower. It is the structure of the flower that is critical to the future of the plant. While it seems to be capable of self-pollination, it is reliant on birds to provide the crosspollination necessary for successful fertilisation. And therein lies the problem as the main pollinating birds are only now starting to recover with all the pest control we have put in place in recent years. There are extensive areas of the North Island where one or more of the bellbird, tui, and stitchbird are absent, and even worse the huia is of course extinct. So the natural niche that each bird fills is vacant and plant species reliant on them for pollination and seed dispersal suffer accordingly. In the millennium that Rhabothamnus has been isolated in New Zealand it has started to evolve and the hint of new species can be seen where the conditions are such that a degree of adaptation is necessary. On Maunganui Bluff in Northland, Rhabdothamnus has evolved into a densely bushy form with quite scabrid hairs on the smaller leaves which provide extra protection against the salt spray and wind. At North Cape some plants exhibit small leaves but have chosen to grow as a vine or groundcover that can escape the winds by merging into surrounding vegetation. It is not the easiest plant to establish but, in the right place, it will flourish with very little attention for many years. Geoff and Bev Davidson established the family-owned Oratia Native Plant Nursery at 625 West Coast Road, Oratia, in the early 1970s. Since then it has become arguably New Zealand’s best native plant nursery, an achievement confirmed in 2005 when it won the New Zealand Plant Conservation Network’s inaugural award. www.oratianatives.co.nz

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weather by the moon

Ken Ring’s predictions for May

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May is possibly the driest month for 2016. Good rain is anticipated for only two days, with maybe seven other days of light passing showers. Despite overcast skies in the first week and odd showers in the second week, the 1st-16th is mostly warm and dry and most rain is expected to fall between the 17th and 23rd. The last week is mostly dry. Sunshine hours may be close to average but temperatures are above normal. Maximums average 19-20°C and minimums 11-13°C. Hotter days will be between the 2nd and 10th, with possible maximums of 24°C on the 3rd and 8th. Autumn cooling begins in the last week. The barometer will drop quickly on the mornings of the 4th and 17th and the evening of the 31st. Lowest air pressures may be 1006mbs on the 20th and highest 1033mbs on the 29th. Overall the month may average 1020mbs. Humidity averages around 87%. The highest tidal variations at Cornwallis are the 7th-8th and will be second highest for the year. The best fishing bite chances are an hour either side of midday on the 6th-8th and 20th-23rd. Next best bite times are around dusk on the 1st, 12th-15th and 28th-31st. For gardeners, best days for pruning are the 1st-6th and 25th-June 4th and better sowing days are the 11th-21st. The best days for harvesting crops are the 1st and 16th. Titirangi Market Day on the 29th may be dry but overcast.. Allow 24 hour leeway for all forecasts. Ken Ring’s “Weather Almanac for New Zealand for 2016” (Random House), is available from Titirangi Post Shop. © Ken Ring 2016. www.predictweather.com.

help us help them … We help thousands of birds each year We are community focused Every bird in New Zealand is a NZ bird to us A gift of a bequest would ensure that New Zealand Bird Rescue Charitable Trust in Green Bay can continue to do the work that we have been doing for over 30 years. Please remember the work of New Zealand Bird Rescue Charitable Trust when you are updating your will. Contact us for more information

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Year Four students at Titirangi Primary School received nine new Chrome Books at the end of last term, thanks to the support of the team at Barfoot & Thompson Titirangi. “We’ve developed a close relationship with their team and it offers very real benefits to our learners,” says school principal, Alan Jackson. “We have a strong focus on maintaining basic skills, but it is also important that children can explore 21st century tools.” Titirangi branch manager, LeAnne Robinson says family-owned Barfoot & Thompson has a reputation for giving back to the community. “To offer support for our local children at Titirangi Primary School is more than just a business decision for us, it’s an opportunity to get involved with local families.” The Barfoot and Thompson team is soon to move into new premises in the Village in the old ASB building next to the Hardware Café. advertise with the fringe & reach up to 60,000 people


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Lizard goes shopping for a new car Yeah gidday. Lizard here. The family has decided it's high time we replaced 'Whitevan'. Once upon a 1950s street, this was easy. Dad went off to the races, drank a half-g of beer and drove back home with a car made in Luton he'd got from a mate down at the wharf who knew a bloke at the yards who was a stock agent. It was always cream or grey and ponged of shoe polish. If the gee gees were nags it would be a Morris 8, that's 8hp, a Minor or, if the triple came in, a Velox. The entire family had to fit in so we either squeezed into the back under Nana’s floral hat and Papa’s walking sticks or piled into the Oxford with our cousins across the back seat. Those on the outside occasionally fell onto the road because the build quality was so poor that the back doors would fly open on the corners. A trip always started with Dad saying, “Are the doors all locked? Open the quarter-light window to let out the cigarette smoke.” There was only ever one car per family, and no more than 10 cars per street, including that bloke, two doors down, who would tuck his pants into his socks before spluttering loudly off on his very smoky motor cycle at 5am. Sharp. Now though, we want a sporty soft top, with four doors, a rear hatch and fold-down seats that gets from 0-100 in three seconds using no fuel but sounding like a V8. It must have 18 air bags, 20-inch rims and a cambelt replaced by a bloke’s cousin who writes a number less than 100,000 in white paint somewhere under the hood, if you can find the lever to open it. The AA must stick a large paper cut-out of a speedometer on the windscreen guaranteeing that the previous

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owner, a Japanese Emperor, had only driven it on the streets of Tokyo twice before selling it for a dollar to the largest auction house in the world, ensuring the leather seats in the back had never been sat on. Armed with a bank supplied budget of 10 grand, we went searching for a car with a stereo that only picks up people speaking Polynesian and memory seats comfortable for anyone under five feet tall with a spine shaped like the letter 'S'. The gearbox must randomly self-select any of the six gears available at any time, including when in reverse. At no time should we be able to see the front, out the back or from the side mirrors. The head-lining should drape over our heads in a cool Persian tent sort of way and the carpets must exude that 'new car, used runners, cat pee aroma'. It must have sensors that sniff fumes to inform the computer to replace the flashing dash light for 600 euros, plus shipping, but not including purchasing the special tool needed so we can't do this at home. We were so exhausted we bought the first car we saw. While waiting for the car to be registered in New Zealand and the arrival of the sniffing bulb, a very reliable courtesy car was lent to us for a couple of weeks, which turned out to be our trade-in, 'Whitevan'. We would have been happy going by train but it turns out the $400 million fleet is plagued by computer software and braking problems but a team of Spanish engineers are looking into it. Probably a sensor. On the way home we were overtaken by Poppa Lizard in his Trekka. Later, Lizard.

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Opinions expressed in the The Fringe are solely those of the writers and are not necessarily endorsed by the publication or its publisher. Fringe Media Ltd is not responsible in any way for the contents of any advertisement, article, photograph or illustration contained in this publication. While every reasonable care will be taken by the Editor, no responsibility is assumed for the return of unsolicited material. © Copyright 2016 by Fringe Media Ltd. All content in this issue is the property of Fringe Media Ltd and may not be reproduced in any way or form whatsoever without permission from the publisher. All rights reserved. The Fringe MAY 2016

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