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Instilling Self-Discipline Parents Share Thoughts on How to Get It Right By Heather Green
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aising children who are self-sufficient, responsible and resilient are major goals to most parents. But we can’t be around our kids all of the time, so how do we know if the self-discipline and other values we’re trying to instill are being practiced outside the home? How do we know that we are raising children who are problem solvers, critical thinkers and responsible beings?
Basically, the best we can do is try. I enlisted the help of some Columbia parents to talk about how they try to instill self-discipline.
Parents’ Perspectives Will and Beki Gettys have two sons, Eli (7) and Hugh (4) Jennifer Bailey Bergen has two children, CJ (15) and Meredith (12) Beth McAlhany has one child, CeCe (7) Studies suggest that kids who manage self-discipline do better in school, are more resilient and are better equipped with successful life skills. How do you instill selfdiscipline into your children?
Will: We try to have a reasonable framework of common sense values, rules and guidelines. When we are present, we try to consistently explain them, apply them and appropriately discipline, even when it is inconvenient. Jennifer: When I was a new mom, I was very focused on creating and supporting attachment — the idea that a strong relationship between parent and child helps create a selfassured and confident kid. As they got older and I matured as a parent, it became important to me to teach CJ and Meredith to be critical thinkers; to grow into individuals who ask questions and express opinions. Beth: I try to model my own self-discipline by vocalizing my thought process when I am faced with a decision. Then I ask my daughter’s opinion as to what she thinks I should choose. It is always easy to give advice, even when you’re a seven year-old. Do you instill such values “on the fly” or do you and your partner think about what skills should be modeled during specific development stages?
Jennifer: Both. Now that we’re raising teenagers, my husband (the kids’ stepfather) and I find ourselves having more frequent conversations with the children about theory more than specific situations. They’re old enough now to work out and work on the hows and whys of values and life skills … this means they are needing to rely on us for the bottom-line type rules less often as they navigate situations where they need to apply skills on their own. Will: It would be nice if we had a recipe for properly handling each stage and challenge, but for us in practice everything is studied improvisation. I think we have evolved over the years and come to understand what values are most important to our family, but as new issues or situations arise, there is room to adapt. When we blow it or handle something badly, my wife and I will often talk it out — debriefing the situation, making plans for similar situations. What benefits do you see as a result of instilling self-discipline? For example, during a difficult homework night or tantrum?*
Will: It’s nice when we can see that they have internalized those values and interactions with friends, peers, and family. We have seen evidence of self-discipline already in both boys. For example, on a full day of air travel, when both kids were visibly frayed, exhausted and frustrated, they were able to keep themselves together, carry on and not collapse in a whiny heap. Have you had to approach self-discipline methods differently with each child?
Will: Our (almost) 4-year-old can take verbal direction pretty well for his age. Our oldest responds pretty well to big-picture values like honesty and fairness but needs guidance in understanding the nuance in complex social situations. The oldest has always responded very immediately to real-world consequences like time-outs and losing of privileges, while the youngest is somewhat more savvy and will sometimes test his — and our — limits. Jennifer: When my second child was born, it somehow came as a huge shock to me how utterly separate and distinct she was from her older brother. What worked with the elder did not and does not always work with the child younger. One of my children often needs practical experience, sometimes the hard way, before life lessons will stick, while the other is
Tips for teaching self-discipline • Start early: Preschool kids are like sponges. • Help kids learn to manage their emotions. Showing empathy for the child’s feelings is important. Come with a menu of choices the child could use to cope with feelings. • Provide a consistent structure and routine. As they get older, these routines become more flexible. • Have a behavior management system and stick to it. Self-control is a core component of self-discipline. • Younger children can learn about self-discipline from activities such as dance, music, and sports. Part-time jobs strengthen self-discipline in teens. • Encourage kids to set goals. • Praise kids when you see them demonstrating self-control, effort and perseverance. • Process failures and mistakes with your children. Acknowledge the effort they made and encourage problemsolving about what choices or strategies could work in the future. Source: Michelle Trask, a clinical social worker with over 20 years of professional counseling experience.
much more willing to apply “crowd-sourced” or theoretical information to decision-making processes. As you look into the future, what challenges do you see facing your children and their journey to self-control and self-discipline?
Will: I am a little concerned about peer pressure with our oldest. He likes to run with the pack, and I worry about him in the future impulsively making bad decisions to fit in. I try to remind him to plan and consider what happens “after” as well as talking through situations when he has gotten in trouble, why it’s important to follow our rules and the potential consequences of his actions. Jennifer: Looking into the future makes me miss the days of the past. My son, now a sophomore in high school, faces challenges which can significantly impact the rest of his adult life; that absolutely boggles my mind. My partner and I still occasionally find ourselves locked in a battle of wills with a resident teen but more often than not we’re just continuing to have – or trying to have – rational conversations with them. We’re listening to them, hoping they listen to us, and trying to keep a sense of humor. When these young people grow up and head out into the world as adults, which isn’t all that far off in the future, that’s what I hope that they’ll carry with them.