FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT
The curse of the corporate love rat By Stuart McCullough HOW dare they toy with my emotions in such a cold, calculating fashion. Despite all appearances to the contrary, I have real feelings that are not to be trifled with for sport or kicked around like an emotional hackey-sack. My emotions are not to be played with or taken for granted. They ought not be subject to trickery or slight of hand. I’ll admit that – as I write – my senses are somewhat heightened, but believe me when I say that I very much doubt that I will ever be able to look Ticketmaster in the eye again and believe a single word it says. It was Tuesday two weeks ago when it happened. I was sitting at my computer whilst at work (something I do quite a bit) when I received an email from Ticketmaster. The subject line conveyed both excitement and a masterful sense of restraint. It said, ‘Hi Stuart, Congratulations you’ve been selected for 2 special offers.’ How my heart leapt with joy. They had chosen me! Of all the people in all the world, they had selected me. Had they produced a bouquet of flowers from behind their back, I could not have been more flattered. But then a second email arrived. ‘Hi John, Congratulations you’ve been selected for 2 special offers.’ Years ago, I’d had the emails of a work colleague diverted to me when he left. Thus, a minor administrative task had accidentally managed to uncover a major emotional rouse by Ticketmaster. It was suddenly clear that I was not special, unique or
important. Whilst I may have been ‘selected’, the process was, in no way, selective. I felt used. In fact, I hadn’t felt this violated since the time I realized that whenever I jumped over the forecourt fence at high school that other students could see straight up my shorts. Revenge is a dish best served cold, preferably with some kind of salad and a crusty bread roll. Probably a Kummelweck. Or maybe, if push comes to shove, a Lancastrian Oven Bottom. However, sometimes revenge
Joke!!!
is something best served in t-shirt form. It was quite a sizeable irony – I would estimate between XXL and XXXL – that the offer for which I had apparently been ‘selected’ came in the form of a free t-shirt. Blinded by my sense of betrayal, tears stinging my eyes, I immediately logged on. The basic premise was that you could design your own t-shirt for free and get it shipped to you with the kind of speed that normally requires the use of lycra. They used to say there were five stages
of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Or, as they are colloquially known; sporty, scary, baby, posh and ginger. Then, like an ever-expanding home and away football season, they decided to add a further two stages of grief. It is widely accepted that the additional stages are confusion and, most importantly, sarcasm. Luckily, I had been chosen for accelerated advancement through the five (plus the two extra) stages of grief and by the time I’d logged on to design my t-shirt, I was at ‘sarcasm’. Frankly, sarcasm is something I wear remarkably well. It is a slim-fit state of mind for me, and I eagerly set about designing a t-shirt that would be so witheringly incisive that it would cause Ticketmaster to fall, helpless to its knees and beg my forgiveness. But what message could possibly be so powerful? ‘Ticketmaster sux’? Too crass. ‘Ticketmaster made me feel more special than I am’? Accurate, but not so good on a t-shirt. The answer was obvious and the message as simple as it was inevitable: ‘I have been selected’. I have never before designed so much as a sock much less an entire t-shirt. I would have to say that I took to it not necessarily like a duck to water but at least an egret. The results, if I do say myself (and, for lack of alternatives, I certainly do), were most impressive. Having sent off my order, I sat back and waited for the world as Ticketmaster knew it to crumble to dust. It arrived after only five or six days, despite my choice of ‘standard’
postage. As I pulled out my t-shirt, I marveled at the genius of my blistering retort. From this moment on, all of corporate Australia would surely be on notice. Here was one person who would no longer tolerate their shenanigans. Things were bound to change. All I had to do was put on my t-shirt and wait for Ticketmaster to see the error of its ways. I have now been wearing my ‘I have been selected’ t-shirt for the best part of two weeks without a result. Maybe they’re embarrassed. But perhaps the real lesson here is not to take things at face value, or even body value despite the fact it is wrapped in a complimentary t-shirt. For now, let me simply say that I curse the day that I ever stared across a crowded room at Ticketmaster. Like the Mata Hari of ticket service providers, I had been seduced into thinking that I was something special when nothing could be further that the truth. It occurs to me now that such declarations of affection are all too common in the business world. These corporate trollops think they can get away with treating us like the gullible fools we most certainly are. No more. From now on, I’ll not believe a single word they say. My capacity to be sucked in like a marble up a vacuum pipe has now come to end. I am not a valued customer. They do not value my feedback. This offer is not limited and, in spite of my t-shirt’s sarcastic protestations to the contrary, I have not been selected. www.stuartmccullough.com
RIddle Solution
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk looks back and says, “Yes,Preacher. I sure am.” The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked. “No, I didn’t!” said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?” “No, I did not Reverend.” The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God, have you found Jesus YET?” The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher...”Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
ANSWER: A river
Sudoku Solution
Everyday is Mothers Day at Topez For frequent Topez customers, you will be pleased to know that renovations have now been completed and the all new look Topez is in full flight. For new comers to Topez, you will be amazed at the unique collection of indoor and outdoor décor products. Find that extra special gift that your mother most certainly will not have. Whether you are shopping for an occasion or just want that special gift for a friend or loved one the Topez is the place to visit. No where else in Australia will you find such a diverse collection of outdoor and indoor décor enhancement products and international fine art. The entire display area has just been refurbished and is now home to an even greater range of pots, water features and home décor products. It is a fact that Topez now boasts one of Australia’s largest collections of elite planters, pots, statues and outdoor garden enhancement products. TOPEZ – “Inspiration for the Imagination¤” and a shopping connoisseurs paradise
The most ridiculous and strange, fresh for you...
Stay tuned: June will see the launch of the exciting Topez VIP member program launch MAY SPECIAL: For the month of May, for every $150.00 you spend you will receive a $10.00 voucher to use on your next visit to Topez. You must bring this advertisement with you to be eligible. Conditions apply
16 Mornington – Tyabb Rd Tyabb Phone 03 9397 6644 Email: enquiries@topez.com.au Open Thurs –Sat 9.30am – 4.00pm Sun 9.30am – 2.00pm www.topez.com.au
Frankston Times May 2011
PAGE 17