THE MEANING OF EXISTENCE... AND OTHER SHORT STORIES
Tips For How Melbourne Can Get Its Mojo Back By Stuart McCullough WHOOPS. After a seven-year reign, Melbourne has finally lost the title of ‘World’s Most Liveable City’ to Vienna. And, if I’m being honest, when I heard the news I couldn’t help but feel somewhat responsible. Last week, a brown hatchback cut me off without so much as indicating and in response to that provocation; I not only used my horn but also deployed the kind of language that should only ever be used at sea. It’s a small thing in the scheme of things but, I fear, it may well have been the difference between first and second. Frankly, I find hard to imagine that the sweet citizens of Vienna would ever say the type of things that came out of my mouth. Truth told, I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner. Frankly, I wouldn’t have been surprised if we’d been disqualified completely after Meat Loaf sang at the Grand Final a few years back. As a general rule, it’s hard to reconcile the idea that you’re in the world’s most liveable city and having to cover your ears with your hands while some dude tunelessly caterwauls as though he’s about to spontaneously combust. Perhaps news of this event has only now filtered its way back to the continent. It’s unfair if it counts against us - I feel we’ve made amends since then. That it’s Vienna that’s beaten us hurts somewhat. Last I saw of Vienna, it was a total mess and Orson Welles was hiding there. Things have improved since Harry Lime’s last visit. But it gets worse. According to the internet, Vienna is known for it’s love of coffee and devotion to the wiener
schnitzel which, to my eye, looks a lot like a parma save that it doesn’t come with chips. This stings. It’d be okay if we were relegated to second place by a city that was so completely different to ours that you could chalk the result up to personal preference. But no, Vienna is a lot like Melbourne. Except that – according to
the Economist - it’s just that little bit better. I demand a recount. If we can’t distinguish ourselves in terms of cuisine, there’s always culture. Melbourne has produced a slew of wonderful musical artists; from Nick Cave to Olivia Newton-John. Crowded House was formed in Melbourne. Ditto Men at
Work. AC/DC lived here for a time. Vienna, for its part, has produced Falco. Granted, ‘Rock Me Amadeus’ has a certain, albeit limited charm, but I can’t see him sustaining a Sunday afternoon residency at the Espie for any more than a couple of weeks. At best. It’s true that Mozart used to live in Vienna, but so too did Hitler and Stalin. To the best of my knowledge, neither of those losers ever set foot in Melbourne. For its part, Melbourne still has a couple of drive-in cinemas as well as a Blockbuster video store. This, I feel, ought to count for something. There’s the Boxing Day Test, the AFL Grand Final and a day off work for a horse race. Beat that, Vienna. I guess Vienna had Sigmund Freud, but Melbourne produced Barry Humphries, whose work would likely cause Siggie to have a total meltdown. It’s not just famous people, either. Melbourne is very much about nature. Even today, parts of the city are home to a number rare and fragile species like the fairy penguins of St Kilda and the hipsters of North Fitzroy. Both emerge at dusk to feed, although only one of them is silly enough to wear skinny jeans and use beard wax. Now that the unthinkable has happened, it’s time to reassess. Was it really my intemperance that has seen an entire city taken down a notch? Hopefully not. But a crown, once lost, is almost impossible to regain. It’s going to take cooperation if we want to ensure that this demotion is not the beginning of a downward slide into obscurity. Put simply, we
need to redouble our efforts. Luckily, there are plenty of things we can do to make the joint even more liveable than it already is. Moomba should be every weekend. I don’t mean some reduced circumstances, cut-price, discounted two-dollar-shop version of Moomba, either. I’m talking the Chinese Dragon, birdman rally and the parade that has no discernable theme and makes no real actual sense but we love it just the same – the whole shebang. The city is never better than it is during Moomba. It’s pretty much the same every year, making it weekly is something everyone could enjoy. We should start indicating when changing lanes. Granted, it’s currently a rule but the city would be even better if we all swallowed our pride and actually started doing it. The Yarra should be concreted (it’s doing us no favours) and Bourke Street completely carpeted from one end to the other. ‘You’re Going Home in the back of a Divvy Van’ should be given the full operatic treatment it so richly deserves. There are heaps of things we can do to win back the title that rightly belongs to us. There’s nothing so challenging as a change in status. The worst thing about being a champion is knowing that, someday, someone will replace you. It’s inevitable. Seven years is a pretty impressive reign. It’s at least worthy of a plaque of some kind. Or, in true Melbournian style, a public holiday. I’m sure we’ll reclaim our crown at some point. I, for one, will do my best not to let the side down. stuart@stuartmccullough.com
MICHAEL JACKSON – THE LEGACY TOUR DUE to popular demand across Australia, Abstract Entertainment is proud to announce Michael Jackson - The Legacy Tour will return in 2018 for a national tour. This world class production has toured the world to rave reviews and is the one and only Michael Jackson show that features actual Michael Jackson staff, singers and band members. The show is produced and directed by its star performer, William Hall. William Hall embodies the voice the dance character and persona of the legendary MJ to perfection. The Texan has been performing since he was three and is an accomplished dancer, choreographer and musician. His love of Michael Jackson started at a young age and is now recognized worldwide as one of the best Michael Jackson tribute artists. His sell out tours are a testament to his dedication to deliver the kind of perfect show that Michael was famous for. He has had the privilege of performing for Michael’s family – including his mother Katherine Jackson – in 2011 and will forever be one of his most special career moments. William has worked with some of Michael Jackson’s most trusted friends and colleagues and have toured with him at various times. These include guitarist Tommy Organ from Michael Jackson’s “This Is It” Tour, bassist Sam Sims, long-time work affiliate to MJ studio and stage and world renowned Bassist and choreographer LaVelle Smith Jr who featured in both the BAD and Dangerous Tours. William Hall performs with an exceptional cast of outstanding professionals who embody the soul and passion of MJ’s music - from the vocals, choreography, replica of costumes and so much more.... Michael Jackson - The Legacy Tour features all the King of Pop’s biggest hits - packed with authentic touches and flair. This is as close as it is ever going to be of experiencing a Michael Jackson concert! Michael Jackson - The Legacy Tour will be at Frankston Arts Centre on Thursday 4 October. Tickets on sale now at: www.abstractentertainment.net Frankston Times
27 August 2018
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