PUZZLE ZONE
ACROSS 1. Regular 7. Abandoned 8. N African nation 10. Protects 12. US Midwest state 14. Trim 16. Front of jaw 17. Imported illegally
20. Carnival site 23. Youthful 24. Levelled (series) 25. Encore!
DOWN 1. Invisible 2. Woe! 3. Eyelid inflammation 4. Dutch city, The ... 5. Lovingly 6. Tots up (4,2) 9. Of the nose 11. Unaware
13. Actress, ... Basinger 15. Great pain 16. Cappuccino or latte 18. Fire-breathing monster 19. Nimble 21. Stove 22. Deep bell sound
Puzzles supplied by Lovatts Publications Pty Ltd www.lovattspuzzles.com See page 21 for solutions.
THE MEANING OF EXISTENCE... AND OTHER SHORT STORIES
Flex and flexibility - resisting change By Stuart McCullough ITâS been said before. I am, it would seem, a very inflexible human being. Not just around the edges but right to the very core of my soul. Reluctant to change and slow to adapt, by comparison I make glaciers look like the very model of agility. In evolutionary terms, Charles Darwin would not hesitate to point his long, bony finger in my direction to describe me as clear evidence of survival of the un-fittest. More than a mere characteristic, my inflexibility is a super power. Were I to rip open my shirt, it would surely reveal a giant letter âIâ. This kind of paranormal rigidity has its downsides and, as a result, Iâve been slow to embrace every technological advance of the past thirty years. I have only just warmed to microwaves, having earlier treated them with suspicion, although I suspect the time might soon arrive for me to get rid of my Commodore 64 personal computing system, as it may not now come back into vogue as Iâd first hoped. For crying out loud, Iâve even kept all my videotapes, just in case. Whoâs to say that I wonât one day need that episode of âA Country Practiceâ I taped in 1986 or the first âPolice Academyâ film in which I attempted to edit out the advertisements but lost interest and forgot to un-pause the video recorder, thereby missing about twenty minutes of the movie? I set harder than concrete. I am a veritable whisker away from being Amish. Itâs just as well and Iâm handy with a horse and am fond of buttons. For the most part, I get by. My spectacularly inflexible nature remains
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Frankston Times 23 May 2016
hidden from view; passersby wouldnât suspect a thing. Fellow commuters will never realize that they have sat in the presence of someone so unyielding. But, from time to time, itâs impossible to maintain the charade, when your flexibility (or lack thereof) must inevitably take centre stage. Be it an unexpected sporting event, an impromptu dance routine or simply the
need to fish out a two dollar coin thatâs worked free of your pocket and fallen behind the couch; thereâs a moment when your flaws are well and truly exposed. In my case, this occurred during an activity known as âremedial pilatesâ. Many people fear the unknown. And yet, itâs also true that we often donât know enough about some things to be
afraid of them. When I was told that I ought to start attending pilates classes, I was nonplussed. After all, Iâd attended about a dozen yoga classes over the course of my life and this, I assumed, rendered me something of an expert. Probably not a black belt, but well beyond a novice. My previous yoga experience had taught me a couple of useful things. First and foremost, donât wear shorts. (Truly, I cannot emphasize the importance of this enough. Avoiding shorts when attending yoga class is best for everyone. People will thank you.) The second thing I learned is that even during the bits in which youâre supposed to be relaxing and communing with the universe, always keep one eye open. This is because I once attended a class with a friend who, upon seeing that I had my eyes closed, saw this as an opportunity to hurl a beanbag at the back of my head. Pilates, I was assured, would be a step up from the yoga classes I had previously undertaken. Pulling on my full-legged exercise trousers, I arrived for my seven oâclock Saturday morning assessment. This, ostensibly, was to see where I was at and determine whether I should train with the amateurs or join the professional ranks right away. Things, however, did not go as planned. I ought to have known I was in trouble when the instructor took one look at me and cancelled all her other appointments. There was something about my appearance that inspired a degree of alarm, despite the fact I wasnât wearing shorts. My posture, so I was informed, left a lot to be de-
sired. This was a considerable disappointment to me â I would have been fine had my posture left a lot to the imagination as opposed to a lot to be desired, but it wasnât the right time to quibble. Within moments of sitting me on the floor, I had been turned into a human pretzel by the instructor. As I sat, my limbs tangled, I feared that the wind might change and Iâd end up stuck like this forever. I began to wonder whether the first test of pilates was to see whether I could unknot myself. I tried to retrieve my arms but it was no use. The instructor had left the room, briefly, and I felt like a bowling pin after itâs just been grazed by a ball, teetering and ready to tumble. Should I call out to the instructor for help? That would be humiliating. I reasoned it would be better to fall onto my side and use my nose to dial triple zero. Within moments, the jaws of life would be freeing me from myself. Using a crowbar, string and a can of WD40, the instructor unpicked my arms and legs. I would need several one on one sessions, she told me sternly. Then, if I made satisfactory progress, Iâd be allowed to join the beginnersâ class. I was shocked. To be told that Iâd need to improve in order to be considered a beginner was too much to take. I contemplated demanding a recount but took a big breath and smiled. âBut of courseâ, I said. It is, after all, important to be flexible about such things. stuart@stuartmccullough.com