SHORT FUSE
Editorial.
With it being the last issue before we all disappear for Christmas, we, here at Fuse thought it would be a good time to write an editorial. Much has happened this year and we thought we would take a look back on some of the more memorable events of 2011. In February Colin Firth picked up an Oscar for his performance in the Kings Speech which incidently is an amazing film that everyone should check out. April saw Kate and Wills tie the not in the wedding of the decade, and Pippa Middelton’s bum got it’s own Facebook page and sprung a chain of ‘how to get a bum like Pippa’s’ books. August saw students take to the streets in their thousands and protest about the cuts and wide spread damage was inflicted upon London and other areas of the UK. The start of October saw Steve Jobs sadly pass away but no doubt his legacy will live on through the products he created. October also saw the England Rugby Team crash out of the World Cup in spectacular fashion, spending more time throwing dwarves than rugby balls and getting into trouble with hotel staff. And jumping off ferries. And now we are about to enter December and who knows what kinds of stuff will happen. Sadly Fuse won’t be here to report it until 2012. So thanks for reading and contributing throughout the year and we will see you all in 2012.
Have yourself a grumpy little Christmas The signs are unmistakable. Advent calendars are starting to leave the shelves; Starbucks have unveiled their red coffee cups once again, and Arthur Christmas has just been released in cinemas. All signs that we’re now well and truly in the month of… November. Oh, come on. I can’t be the only one who finds this insane. It seems like every year December gets a couple of days longer, to the point that we’ve only just put away the Halloween stuff before we have to order the turkey. Just to clarify; this is not an objection to the commercialisation
of Christmas. I love that bit of Christmas – I get lots of presents, there’s the Doctor Who special to look forward to, and I can stuff myself full of chocolate and cold meat without fear of reproach. No, what really gets my eggnog boiling is the fact that, year upon year, the shops and the city councils seem just a little bit more eager to deck the halls. As soon as the temperature begins to drop, and the nights begin to lengthen, they leap into action. You can’t move for tinsel, gaudy lights, and fat men in red suits who invariably smell like B.O., whisky and regret.
And then there are the songs. The rush of happiness that the sane among us feel when The X Factor ends for another year quickly turns into disappointment when this year’s plastic-faced, personality - deficient winner releases a crappy single that will inevitably get to number one. And the classic Christmas songs, the genuinely good ones, will be played repeatedly in every shop up and down the high street so that by the time December actually begins, even Mother Teresa would want to shoot Jona Lewie in the face. Once it gets to December, of course, it’s another story. We’re
Friday December 2 2011
The Womble Factor? Few things amuse me more than the Simon Cowell machine. By machine, I indeed mean the man himself; those lean, beefy muscles cascading beneath a sea of polo necks; but also refer to The X Factor brand and all its counterparts. Christmas in particular, is an amusing one. Not satisfied with bizarrely merging this years X factor contestants’ faces with M&S Christmas puddings (some stark similarities there), the Cowell machine still feels the need to embark on its annual coup d’état of all that we hold dear- The Christmas No.1. We used to care, my mum assures me we did, back in the days when Queen (1975), Slade (1974) and even the Spice Girls (‘96, ‘97 AND ‘98. Jesus. Really?) won the apparently impor-
tant number one slot. More recently however, and for five out of six of the previous Christmases, an X factor douche bag has taken the crown. The hole in this six year line of hell, was Rage Against the Machine’s internet campaign to overthrow Cowell’s dominance back in 2009, with “Killing in the Name”. I think we can all admit, it was a particularly festive one. This year, thank god, another more than worthy adversary has appeared to topple the X Factor winner of their presupposed top spot- The Wombles, with ‘Wombling Merry Christmas’ (yes again, don’t ruin this for me) from their new album The W Factor. Thankfully, with Irish conditionerdiscoverer Janet Devlin gone, The Wombles chances of winning
Fuse.
Fuse cover
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This fortnight’s Christmas themed Fuse cover has been lovingly created by Sam Bolton.
have risen significantly. Not because the girl was good, but because her wail was so similar to that of a Womble it would have been difficult to differentiate which song you were listening to. Most terrifyingly of all, it could have been Frankie Cocozza, who would evidently have used cocaine to drug and confuse said Wombles into a stupor, allowing him to infiltrate their Wimbledon lair and become their grubby Womble overlord.
supposed to get into the Christmas spirit then – it’s what makes the 25th feel extra special when we’re sat around the table with our family and friends. But we need the rest of the year to get on with our lives, and we won’t be able to do that if we allow Christmas to encroach so far into the year that we’re buying the tree while we’re still wearing shorts. So the next time you see that big red Coca-Cola truck, take a look at your calendar. And if it’s not yet December, shoot the damn tyres out. Phil Bayles
Competition That’s the kind of stuff the Simon Cowell machine will do to reach the number one spot, they’re even willing to butcher a brilliant Biffy Clyro song by letting a bloke in a hat wail it at us on TV. That was only last year, by the now-selling-used-cars Matt Cardle. Let’s not let it happen again; go Wombles go! Alisha Rouse
Brit-Rock group Kasabian are perfoming at Sheffield’s Motorpoint Arena of December 10th and you could be in with a chance with winning tickets. All you have to do is answer this simple question: What kind of dinosaur features on Kasabian’s new album. a. Carcharodontosaurus! b. Velociraptor! c. Oviraptor! d. Daspletosaurus! If you think you know the answer enter online at Forgetoday.com and click on the front page link. The winner will be announced on December 7 and will be contacted via email so make sure to keep checking them. Good luck!