Looking Glass Self by Adrian Sandersfeld You watch Hairspray on a sick day, home from school, in the winter of 2007. You hold an ice pack on your belly (under your shirt) because you think it will soothe the pain of the stomach flu that has kept you awake for nights on end. You have to reconcile with your measurements every time you grope at your own girth. You ache. You hate being sick. You hate going to school (perceived, judged) just as much. You get over the stomach flu and go back to school. You wish you were like Tracy Turnblad. You have a complicated relationship with musicals (with performing, with enjoying) You try out for shows (and are rejected). You crave attention (spotlight, speaking role, significant). You crave validation and a stage whereupon you are important, you are valued (because of? in spite of?) your ability to fill a role. ( you certainly do fill space )
illustrations by Adrian Sandersfeld You wish your castmates invited you to the cast parties. You wish you could’ve filled the one role that was (for once) tailored to fit you. You wish your high school performed Hairspray. You see yourself, your fat body, in Tracy Turnblad unlike how you see yourself in a mirror.
“You wish your high school performed Hairspray.” She wakes up singing and you latch onto her charisma wondering how she does it; how she can so unabashedly love herself because of (not in spite of) all the things for which she is so viciously scrutinized. Big. Fat. Loud. Desired. Passionate. Driven. Optimistic. Confident. Proud, in a way you are not allowed to be (by your mother, by a fatphobic society whose standards have permeated your perception of your own body). You crave a proud fat existence.
You love to sing. You love singing. You fantasize about becoming a famous singer (complete with cliché talent-scouting trope). You do not hear music by Adele or Mary Lambert or Lizzo until after you have given up on (the idea of) becoming a singer. You try out for shows (at school and are cast as an extra). You think you would still be chasing such pursuits if only you had been encouraged. You think you would not have given up if you had gotten roles (speaking, singing).
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You see yourself in Tracy Turnblad but not herself in you when your mother makes you try on clothes that don’t fit (size, gender) because (you know) she wishes you were thinner. You look at yourself in fitting room mirrors in bathroom mirrors in window reflections. You see yourself, not Tracy Turnblad.