starters | humor
Dining A Trends
nd now it is time for my predictions for prevailing culinary trends of 2017. This one was tricky. Traditionally the pendulum tends to swing
back the other way in a manner which makes this easy. If, for example, molecular gastronomy is popular in one year, then the next will feature foods cooked over a burning tumbleweed in a yurt. But I predict 2017 will be different; the zigs will not necessarily require commensurate zags. Part of the reason is that lots of the zags have been done before, and the Theorem of
for 2017
Retro dictates that the acceptable time frame for the return of a preexisting trend is equal to two thirds the sum of its other two sides. Or something. So 2017 will be rudderless, the Magic 8 Ball is uncertain, You-Know-Who is in the
BY JAY FORMAN
White House, and the only constant will be change. Here are my thoughts:
OUT: Annoyingly Precise Oyster Menus – Remember when you could just order oysters at an oyster bar? Times have changed. Nowadays it can be a nightmarish combination of geography and trivia when you sidle up to the counter at that new seafood joint in the boutique hotel. Kumamoto from Humbolt Bay, Howland’s Landing from Duxbury Massachusetts, and Ice-9 from Vonnegut, Indiana… How’s a guy to make sense of this? A quick look at the prices explains it all $3.00 each and you order one at a time. You see what’s happened? It’s the Tapas Effect, repurposed for driving up oyster margins. Armor yourself with this knowledge and be prepared to spend accordingly. IN: Hydrothermal Clams – Are you still eating oysters from the gauche, shallow waters of your local continental shelf? What a rube. Get ready for the real deal. Plucked by the titanium claws of research submersibles from 2 kilometers down along the Juan de Fuca ridge off Washington State, these ghost-white clams astounded science when it was learned that they evolved around a chemotropic source for life. They are part of the biome found exclusively around hydrothermal vents. And they don’t just redefine the prerequisites for life – they also taste delicious. Well, they don’t, really. They feast on hydrogen sulfide and bacteria, after all. But still, they are exclusive. And unlike Fannie Bay Oysters, you can’t find them along the Cheez-Its at a truck stop in Boise these days.
OUT: Locally Sourced Produce – Diners are finally coming around to the fact that a) strawberries grown in an urban lot three blocks away in June don’t actually taste as good as normal strawberries and b) chefs are lyin’. Sure, it probably started innocently enough, but over time it just metastasized into an industry catch phrase and now if you don’t claim it, you are assumed to be serving up Big Ag Mechanized Produce, aka “pesticide on a plate.” But the emperor has no clothes, people. There is no way supply is keeping up with demand, lest there are vast invisible fairy fields plowed by unicorns and distributed by Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Anyway, where’s the accountability here? Who runs background checks on a carrot? Call 60 Minutes. IN: Microbiotically Sourced Produce – You want locally sourced? How about a 10-course prix fixe menu composed around microfauna harvested from your own body? In 2016 microbiome health was the tip of the health food spear, with products like probiotics aimed at nurturing a healthy inner life. And when I say inner life, I’m not talking about your spirituality. I’m talking about little buddies like Lactobacillus plantarum that call your insides home. 2016 was all 12 Spring 2017 www.foodanddine.com
about nurturing that garden. 2017 is gonna be all about reaping the harvest. Disgusting? Oh, yeah. But great food, like great art, should challenge the diner. Or so the Chinese would have us believe.
OUT: Blue Apron – Supply chain questions have cast a pall over popular prepped meal kits like Blue Apron. Also, the paint-by-numbers approach takes the visceral thrill out of cooking for the true aficionado, who hungers for a more immersive experience. Enter the following: IN: Farm to Table Meal Kits – This year, get your favorite foodie a subscription to Last Stop, which seamlessly blends humanely raised livestock with a hands-on approach that puts home chefs in touch with their food. Namely, you get a live chicken in a sack with a hammer. Have fun.
OUT: Whole Wheat Folks – As I forced my way through a serving of whole wheat pasta recently, it occurred to me how to best describe the experience. “This is like eating two bowls of dirt,” I announced aloud to nobody in particular. Italians are a hot-blooded, passionate people – whole wheat pasta can’t be something they came up with. You have to have six stomachs like a cow to digest this stuff. Whole wheat pasta must be stopped. But what would replace it? IN: Normal Pasta but in Thrilling Shapes – Non-GMO single-source semolina flour will appease the produce police, while ruffled edges will assuage the cognoscenti. Hey, it worked for potato