Couples In Crises During Covid

Over the past 12 months Covid-19 has created a lot of confusion and a firestorm of adjustments impacting couples and marriages at an unprecedented level. Anxiety and depression problems have skyrocketed due to job losses, losing friends and family to the disease, social isolation and the fear of contracting the virus. Anxiety and depression searches on Google since March of 2020 are at all time highs. For those searching for solutions and answers to a situation we never saw coming has stretched their ability to adjust to their mental limits. There is a mountain of stress that comes with a pandemic of this magnitude.

Personal stress combined with pre-existing relationship issues are creating complex problems on the homefront. Working from home while trying to school children virtually creates competition for time and resources. Parents are being pulled in different directions and looking for some personal time has become nearly impossible. This potentially puts one or both partners in a marriage in jeopardy as “couple time” has become abandoned for the sake of finding personal time. The question is how do we sort all of this out and still have some sense of a decent marriage or relationship left?

The answers are not easy. Counselors are faced with new dynamics and having to reach outside the traditional therapy box to try and help those who are desperate for solutions. As the pandemic goes on, the pressure builds and the problems seem to be getting worse. Feeling trapped and stuck, partners are finding creative ways to get out of the home and seek some “me” time any way they can get it. Unfortunately this time spent outside the family and home can lead to even bigger problems such as substance use. In addition to anxiety and depression there appears to be an upturn in affairs as well. An increase in marital affairs during a pandemic may seem contradictory, but it’s happening. There seems to be an increase of high risk behaviors on top of high risk behaviors.

Relationship problems are becoming more severe with domestic violence and a feeling of despair that client’s lives are completely unravelling. For example, infidelity has increased as relationships break down. Partners are seeking connection with someone who may be sympathetic to emotional disconnection from their primary partners. Additional stressors such as financial pressures puts strain on living conditions aggravating an already volatile situation. Counselors are conferring with each other looking for answers and coming up empty. We are in uncharted waters and some sessions are quickly becoming learning lessons for counselors and clients alike.

Couples spending more time at home together is magnifying undesired behaviors. Irritating partner habits that were once overlooked are now building in intensity and boiling over. The emotional space needed to clear out their heads after having a conflict has been significantly reduced. Anyone who has done couples counseling can testify how the presence of a partner in the room can trigger explosive arguments. The confined space of a counselor’s office demonstrates how not being able to get away from each other can lead to ongoing conflict. In session counselors can act as a conflict mediator reducing argument intensity. The same is happening during the pandemic. There isn’t enough space to allow for emotional regulation. The places that once provided familiar healthy outings have closed or require strict adherence to Covid protocol which has effectively eliminated the enjoyment one would get from a routine coping mechanism. Activities such as playing sports, a gym, shopping or a simple restaurant outing with friends and family have become tricky. Couples feel stuck and stressed out.

Limited coping strategies for these problems can only go on for so long. Things such as going for a walk, reading a book, exercising or listening to music usually work just fine in usual circumstances. But these aren’t usual times and these self soothing practices are much less effective, especially when the source of irritation is living and working next to you.

Couples can feel like they are being forced to like the displeasure of being stuck together too much. They feel trapped with no way out caught in some kind of existential intrapersonal experiment. The result is that arguments increase in intensity and frequency. The character of each person becomes more apparent to the other until finally someone decides they don’t want to be married to the other and files for divorce or starts an affair. One or the other starts looking for excuses to get out of the house. They are meeting people online and then meeting at the local coffee cafe or some other venue trying to find a sense of connection to someone. In some cases it can sound like pure acts of desperation. The survival part of the brain is in full swing.

So what is the answer? How do we get out of this locked down, feeling trapped and disliking the other person’s habits way of life that went unnoticed before? For counselors, it can be useful to borrow a play from the Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) playbook. It’s important for couples to recognize their relationship is getting really stressed. When they can learn to go low and slow they can observe and learn triggers that lead to negative feelings. Part of this is behavioral chain analysis. A mindfulness approach can also be helpful in identifying future pitfalls. Using DBT techniques help the couple to emotionally regulate as well identify and heal broken parts of the relationship.

Couples also need to understand where each other is coming from in terms of how they react to the pandemic. One might be fearful while the other thinks it’s no big deal. Just like other couples counseling different worldviews and biases need to be taken into consideration. To get through any difficult time it requires teamwork, sharing of responsibilities and a meeting of executive level thinking in order to make the relationship run smoothly. There needs to be a negotiation process to discuss things such as expectations of how to run the home with new changes happening. Decide who cooks, cleans certain assigned areas of the home and who grocery shops, sharing time taking care of the children and who is going to pay the bills. And don’t be afraid to mix it up and change out the areas of responsibility as needed. And if at all possible, get creative and find a way to make it fun.

Covid has created a crisis for couples with a lot of dichotomous thinking. It’s important for the couple to not forget how to love each other. It can be something as simple as date night. This doesn’t mean running out and risking exposure at a restaurant, but ordering food delivered, watching a movie and relaxing together. If you have kids perhaps set them up in another part of the house while you have date time for a few hours. Let the kids know what you are doing, they will probably love you for it. Nothing says stable home like two parents who love each other and want to be together. Parents who demonstrate love for each other give children a sense of safety and stability in the home.

Written By: Brian Murray, LMHC

Brian Murray is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at The LifeWorks Group in Winter Park FL. He specializes in Relationship Issues involving Codependency, Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders.