How The Power of Self Talk Improves Self-Care

“Really, I said that?” is what clients often exclaim when I repeat back to them their negative self-talk and put downs. They don’t mean to be mean. They simply want to become the perfect image of who they think they should be. Unfortunately, negative self-talk is exactly what keeps them stuck in destructive self-care patterns. Here’s why.

Like the Genie in Aladdin who says, “Your wish is my command,” our brains await instruction to do something via our thoughts and self-talk. Primed for action, they hear them as commands. For example, you say, “I’m so overwhelmed”— or afraid, stressed or miserable—and the brain uptakes that thought and produces that feeling.

Tuning into self-talk

My first goal in improving clients’ selftalk is to make them aware that what they say to themselves, even unconsciously, may be generating or increasing distressing feelings and dysfunctional behaviors. Many clients don’t think much about self-talk if they even realize they engage in it. It’s either background noise or they’re so used to speaking negatively to or about themselves that they tune it out. Once clients accept that they engage in self-talk, the goal for them is to remain alert and listen for it, then listen to it and evaluate what they hear. When they’re tuned in, they can decide if what they’re saying to themselves encourages or discourages them from doing what is in their best interest. However, before they can make this assessment, they need to know what constitutes destructive and constructive self-talk.

Elements of destructive self-talk

·All or nothing: “If I don’t go to the gym five times a week, why bother going at all?” or “I’m going to diet and be perfect around food from now on.”

·Failure oriented: “I can’t control myself around sweets” or “I give up.”

·Comparative and competitive: “I want to eat as little as my roommate does” or “If my mom was a size 2 at my age, I can be too.”

·Moralistic: “I should go work out like a good girl/boy” or “I’m so bad that I bingewatched TV all weekend.”

·Negative: “I’m such a mess, how will I ever learn to be healthy?” or “What’s wrong with me that I take care of myself for a while then stop?”

·Short-sighted: “I’m full but I’ll just finish off this pie anyway” or “I’ll exercise really hard to lose weight so I’ll look good on next month’s cruise.”

Elements of constructive self-talk

·Empowering: “My passion is to nourish my body well” or “I’m getting better and better at self-care.”

·Hopeful: “I’m developing new habits to take care of myself” or “I can do it.”

·Loving: “I do my best and embrace my imperfections” or “I’m so proud of myself.”

·Challenging: “I’ll be brave and take baby steps to change” or “I can learn to do what’s best for me.”

·Inspiring: “Every time I take positive action, I want to do more of it” or “I’m a better cook than I thought I’d be!”

·Intentional: “I will eat mindfully and slowly” or “I’ll block out an hour a day to relax and do as little as possible.” ·Self-compassionate: “I love myself even when I make poor choices” or “When I overeat, I’ll be especially kind to myself.”

Therapists often think they must validate everything clients say they feel. Naturally, we don’t wish to invalidate them, but we also don’t want to encourage self- deprecation and untruths as when they say, “I’m a hopeless case. Even you can’t change that.” Rather than reinforce their hopelessness, we can respond with, “It sounds as if you’ve been having upsetting feelings. Let’s see what might be making you feel that way,” or “I get that you’ve been troubled by your feelings and want to feel more hopeful.”

We must teach clients that self-talk is foundational to their well-being and that they have the ability and power to talk themselves into becoming healthier, the same way they’ve talked themselves out of it. All it takes is tuning into self-talk and practicing speaking constructively to themselves. Forget willpower. Self-care grows from word-power.

Written By: Karen R. Koenig, LCSW

Karen R. Koenig, LCSW, M.Ed. is an eating psychology expert, 8-book award-winning, international author and popular blogger. Her books focus on improving our relationship with food and our bodies via enhancing self-talk, learning life skills, resolving internal conflicts, revamping personality traits, developing rational beliefs, and managing our feelings. In practice for over 30 years, she’s based in Sarasota, FL. Her latest book, "Words to Eat By," is about self-talk, eating, weight, and body image.